Beating the Wedding Dead Horse

[boy_bye]

WE also bought all the tuxes and dresses because I refused to put anyone else out for *my* wedding.  Which we were able to do because we had kept most the costs down. 

we took the same approach -- any other way of doing it feels wrong to me. i made the bridesmaids dresses , and the men in the wedding party wore whatever they wanted.

[Use it up, wear it out...]

WE also bought all the tuxes and dresses because I refused to put anyone else out for *my* wedding.  Which we were able to do because we had kept most the costs down. 

we took the same approach -- any other way of doing it feels wrong to me. i made the bridesmaids dresses , and the men in the wedding party wore whatever they wanted.

We dispensed with Tuxes & bridesmaid dresses entirely. Men wore suits, women dresses.

[boy_bye]

WE also bought all the tuxes and dresses because I refused to put anyone else out for *my* wedding.  Which we were able to do because we had kept most the costs down. 

we took the same approach -- any other way of doing it feels wrong to me. i made the bridesmaids dresses , and the men in the wedding party wore whatever they wanted.

We dispensed with Tuxes & bridesmaid dresses entirely. Men wore suits, women dresses.

also a great option. i made the bridesmaids dresses because i was running a dress company at the time and had A Vision :)

[KatieSSS]

WE also bought all the tuxes and dresses because I refused to put anyone else out for *my* wedding.  Which we were able to do because we had kept most the costs down. 

we took the same approach -- any other way of doing it feels wrong to me. i made the bridesmaids dresses , and the men in the wedding party wore whatever they wanted.

We dispensed with Tuxes & bridesmaid dresses entirely. Men wore suits, women dresses.

also a great option. i made the bridesmaids dresses because i was running a dress company at the time and had A Vision :)

If I ever get married, I'm doing things completely different than all of my friends whose weddings I've been in.

Number one - I'm letting my bridesmaid pick out their dresses. I'll just give them a few color swatches or a theme to choose from and say "go for it." I'll give them a maximum that I'll pay for their dress and then if they want one more expensive than that they can pay the rest.

Number two - I'm never having a destination wedding, ever. The "destination" for some will probably be my hometown because there might be people who have to travel to the middle of nowhere farm country for it. I've been in a destination wedding and let me tell you, it was the biggest PITA ever to get there. I was delayed an entire day due to a hurricane and the whole trip cost me $2k. I doubt MY entire wedding will cost that much.

Number three - I have several photographer friends that I will hire for the wedding. Totally saving a bunch of money on that.

Number four - I'm limiting the guests to family and extremely close friends ONLY. I imagine this will not go over well with my mother who is very anti-mustachian and would gladly go into more debt for my future wedding just so she can invite everyone she knows.

Number five - I might actually host the reception on the family farm in the machine shed. For free. It would be a kick-ass outdoor party with no need for an expensive caterer. Potluck style! My dad once joked that we'd roast a pig for my wedding...not a bad idea, after all!

I don't have the groom yet for this...so it is all a moot point for now :)

[boy_bye]

I don't have the groom yet for this...so it is all a moot point for now :)

your ideas all sound great, though. seriously. i think that how crazy a wedding is going to make you can be expressed in this simple equation:

number of guests x complexity of your plans = craziness level

the fewer people, venues, details, favors, seating charts, flowers, etc. etc. etc., the more relaxed and fun the whole thing will be. my wedding was 50 people x not that complex (catering/venue/bar/furniture rentals/etc all handled by the same company) and we had a blast. everything was perfect and i was not stressed at all. :)

[AJ]

Number one - I'm letting my bridesmaid pick out their dresses. I'll just give them a few color swatches or a theme to choose from and say "go for it."

My bridesmaids wore black dresses ($12 each at the teen discount clothes store in the mall, but if I did it again I'd let them bring their own). The black matched the groomsmen's tuxes, and highlighted the flowers they carried. I still have my sister's dress in my closet (it is my "skinny" dress that I keep around for when I get to my goal weight).

[KatieSSS]

I don't have the groom yet for this...so it is all a moot point for now :)

your ideas all sound great, though. seriously. i think that how crazy a wedding is going to make you can be expressed in this simple equation:

number of guests x complexity of your plans = craziness level

the fewer people, venues, details, favors, seating charts, flowers, etc. etc. etc., the more relaxed and fun the whole thing will be. my wedding was 50 people x not that complex (catering/venue/bar/furniture rentals/etc all handled by the same company) and we had a blast. everything was perfect and i was not stressed at all. :)

That's a great point. I have a large family, so I know I can never have a 10-people-only wedding, but at least I can cap it around 50-60. That is, if they all can come. Let's hope some can't :)

[ace1224]

WE also bought all the tuxes and dresses because I refused to put anyone else out for *my* wedding.  Which we were able to do because we had kept most the costs down. 

we took the same approach -- any other way of doing it feels wrong to me. i made the bridesmaids dresses , and the men in the wedding party wore whatever they wanted.

We dispensed with Tuxes & bridesmaid dresses entirely. Men wore suits, women dresses.

also a great option. i made the bridesmaids dresses because i was running a dress company at the time and had A Vision :)

If I ever get married, I'm doing things completely different than all of my friends whose weddings I've been in.

Number one - I'm letting my bridesmaid pick out their dresses. I'll just give them a few color swatches or a theme to choose from and say "go for it." I'll give them a maximum that I'll pay for their dress and then if they want one more expensive than that they can pay the rest.

Number two - I'm never having a destination wedding, ever. The "destination" for some will probably be my hometown because there might be people who have to travel to the middle of nowhere farm country for it. I've been in a destination wedding and let me tell you, it was the biggest PITA ever to get there. I was delayed an entire day due to a hurricane and the whole trip cost me $2k. I doubt MY entire wedding will cost that much.

Number three - I have several photographer friends that I will hire for the wedding. Totally saving a bunch of money on that.

Number four - I'm limiting the guests to family and extremely close friends ONLY. I imagine this will not go over well with my mother who is very anti-mustachian and would gladly go into more debt for my future wedding just so she can invite everyone she knows.

Number five - I might actually host the reception on the family farm in the machine shed. For free. It would be a kick-ass outdoor party with no need for an expensive caterer. Potluck style! My dad once joked that we'd roast a pig for my wedding...not a bad idea, after all!

I don't have the groom yet for this...so it is all a moot point for now :)

i went to a pig pickin wedding and honestly it has been one of my favorite to date!

[Sparky]

Well when it come down to getting hitched at some point with my GF, it's going to either a big wedding, a nice ring or a great big long honeymoon. Her choice, give her a budget, and stick to it 100%.

How in the hell one can spend more than a few thousand bucks beats me.

[KatieSSS]

i went to a pig pickin wedding and honestly it has been one of my favorite to date!
[/quote]

I know, right? Just supply a few kegs and cheap wine and everyone will have a good time.

One couple I am friends with also had a really good idea for gifts - they set up a "honeyfund" and asked people to buy experiences for their honeymoon. It was an online registry and they had items you could choose from such as "romantic dinner for two" or "bottle of champagne" etc....Apparently, I was the ONLY guest to buy something on there for them. It appears everyone else really wanted to get them stuff and not experiences. The bride personally thanked me later and said she wished more would have done that for them. I know the couple pretty well and they are fairly mustachian (they had me take pics of their reception - bonus points!), although I don't know if they read MMM or are aiming for FIRE. But I totally applaud them for trying something different and asking for experiences and not stuff for their wedding.

[Angelfishtitan]

I 100% agree with the registry thing. If you get brow beat into a registry (we did), then just make it at a store you normally shop at and return anything you didn't actually need. Instead of more "stuff" my family bought our groceries for a while from the returns!

[avonlea]

I 100% agree with the registry thing. If you get brow beat into a registry (we did), then just make it at a store you normally shop at and return anything you didn't actually need. Instead of more "stuff" my family bought our groceries for a while from the returns!

Giving groceries, toiletries, and cleaning supplies to newly married couples makes a lot of sense. (Unfortunately, many modern Americans consider such gifts uncouth.)  I lived in a small rural community a few years ago. While there I had the pleasure of attending a "pounding".  I thought it was brilliant.  http://www.ehow.com/info_8383168_ideas-pounding-gift.html

[anastrophe]

i went to a pig pickin wedding and honestly it has been one of my favorite to date!

I know, right? Just supply a few kegs and cheap wine and everyone will have a good time.

One couple I am friends with also had a really good idea for gifts - they set up a "honeyfund" and asked people to buy experiences for their honeymoon. It was an online registry and they had items you could choose from such as "romantic dinner for two" or "bottle of champagne" etc....Apparently, I was the ONLY guest to buy something on there for them. It appears everyone else really wanted to get them stuff and not experiences. The bride personally thanked me later and said she wished more would have done that for them. I know the couple pretty well and they are fairly mustachian (they had me take pics of their reception - bonus points!), although I don't know if they read MMM or are aiming for FIRE. But I totally applaud them for trying something different and asking for experiences and not stuff for their wedding.
[/quote]

I am going with simpleregistry.com, which is also a cash registry, but we are putting "stuff" on it and hoping that will help people use it. It will be stuff we can sell easily or might actually use, though. Might not work, people are stubborn--but I'll tell you how it works out;)

[MtnGal]

i went to a pig pickin wedding and honestly it has been one of my favorite to date!

I know, right? Just supply a few kegs and cheap wine and everyone will have a good time.

One couple I am friends with also had a really good idea for gifts - they set up a "honeyfund" and asked people to buy experiences for their honeymoon. It was an online registry and they had items you could choose from such as "romantic dinner for two" or "bottle of champagne" etc....Apparently, I was the ONLY guest to buy something on there for them. It appears everyone else really wanted to get them stuff and not experiences. The bride personally thanked me later and said she wished more would have done that for them. I know the couple pretty well and they are fairly mustachian (they had me take pics of their reception - bonus points!), although I don't know if they read MMM or are aiming for FIRE. But I totally applaud them for trying something different and asking for experiences and not stuff for their wedding.


I am going with simpleregistry.com, which is also a cash registry, but we are putting "stuff" on it and hoping that will help people use it. It will be stuff we can sell easily or might actually use, though. Might not work, people are stubborn--but I'll tell you how it works out;)

Depending on your family, be careful with these ideas. Maybe not careful, perhaps aware is the right word. I have many family members (most who are older) who believe asking for cash or for money for a honeymoon is horribly rude and selfish.

[anastrophe]

Depending on your family, be careful with these ideas. Maybe not careful, perhaps aware is the right word. I have many family members (most who are older) who believe asking for cash or for money for a honeymoon is horribly rude and selfish.

I'm aware of that possibility, but I've decided I don't give a f*ck. They will also think it bizarre and rude that we won't have drinking, dancing, matchy-matchy bridesmaids, and we probably won't kiss on command either. People who want to give us objects are free to do so, and we're free to turn around and sell them on CL to pay off our debt.

[aclarridge]

I'm aware of that possibility, but I've decided I don't give a f*ck. They will also think it bizarre and rude that we won't have drinking, dancing, matchy-matchy bridesmaids, and we probably won't kiss on command either.

I'm all for a frugal wedding, and doing away with most of the "norms", but you won't have drinking or dancing? You must realize that a lot of people enjoy these things. If you care about them enough to invite them to your wedding, wouldn't you bend to their wishes for things like this, so that they can enjoy themselves and celebrate with you?
If you don't want to drink, of course that's fine, but at least provide it or at the very least provide them with the ability to drink at a cash bar.
People also like to see you dance together. You might hate dancing. If you're able, my advice is to get over whatever is stopping you from doing it and appease your guests. Don't take yourself too seriously, and let your guests know by your actions that you appreciate their presence and care about them. It's part of being a good host to the party.

[kt]

People may enjoy drinking but it's not actually necessary for a celebration. We have held a few large (~40 people) 'open house' style birthday celebrations at our house which have been much enjoyed by everyone, with no alcohol in sight bar a glass of wine each for toasting.
One friend was organising a similar party recently and asked how we calculated how much alcohol to get. We had to point out that we don't have 'alcohol' as she was referring to it (free flowing, rather than specifically for the toast). She hadn't even noticed.
Obviously some/many/most people will notice a wedding without alcohol. But that shouldn't stop it being a good occasion.

[Russ]

If you care about them enough to invite them to your wedding, wouldn't you bend to their wishes for things like this, so that they can enjoy themselves and celebrate with you?

This sounds so horribly convoluted...must be one of those awful manners things. If, as a host, a guest required me to "bend to their wishes" in order to have a good time they may as well leave. Thank goodness I don't know anybody so closed-minded as to not appreciate a wedding simply because there might not be dancing/booze

[KatieSSS]

I'm aware of that possibility, but I've decided I don't give a f*ck. They will also think it bizarre and rude that we won't have drinking, dancing, matchy-matchy bridesmaids, and we probably won't kiss on command either.

I'm all for a frugal wedding, and doing away with most of the "norms", but you won't have drinking or dancing? You must realize that a lot of people enjoy these things. If you care about them enough to invite them to your wedding, wouldn't you bend to their wishes for things like this, so that they can enjoy themselves and celebrate with you?
If you don't want to drink, of course that's fine, but at least provide it or at the very least provide them with the ability to drink at a cash bar.
People also like to see you dance together. You might hate dancing. If you're able, my advice is to get over whatever is stopping you from doing it and appease your guests. Don't take yourself too seriously, and let your guests know by your actions that you appreciate their presence and care about them. It's part of being a good host to the party.

This sounds to me like you are of the camp that a wedding is for the guests and not for the bride and groom. I know many people who feel that way, including the mother of one of my friends who ended up doing a destination wedding. The mother was furious because my friend wasn't having the traditional wedding at home. She said "the wedding is for your family and friends, not you!" Needless to say, that did not go over well with my friend and her fiance. It really took a while to smooth that over. If you are paying for your own wedding, it can be however you want it to be. And the day should be about you and your spouse, not pleasing other people.

[Angelfishtitan]

I'm with everyone else that the wedding is about the bride and the groom, but I would never have a wedding without dancing. Not from a norms standpoint, but because it is just too damn fun! I think I ate maybe a few bites of food at my wedding, but I definately found hours of time to dance with my wife. Plus weddings seem to be a great time to get people to dance who normally won't (protip to those people: the ones who you think are good dancers are just the people who stopped caring what others thought about their dancing).

Though it wouldn't bother me to go to a wedding without dancing. The thread just made me think back to my wedding, other's weddings and...every once and a while in my living room ; )

[anastrophe]

I'm with everyone else that the wedding is about the bride and the groom, but I would never have a wedding without dancing. Not from a norms standpoint, but because it is just too damn fun! I think I ate maybe a few bites of food at my wedding, but I definately found hours of time to dance with my wife. Plus weddings seem to be a great time to get people to dance who normally won't (protip to those people: the ones who you think are good dancers are just the people who stopped caring what others thought about their dancing).

Though it wouldn't bother me to go to a wedding without dancing. The thread just made me think back to my wedding, other's weddings and...every once and a while in my living room ; )

Does it make you all feel better if I say we're having our wedding at 11 am?

I've been to a million evening weddings with dancing and it bores me to death. I'm a terrible dancer, my partner is worse, and I would burst into tears if anyone tried to get me dance in front of them--nevermind in front of a huge crowd wearing a fancy dress. Not happening.

We might have board games, though, and I know my family and friends will like that just as much.

[Angelfishtitan]

Does it make you all feel better if I say we're having our wedding at 11 am?

You can only dance at night? That would certainly make cooking breakfast more boring.

I've been to a million evening weddings with dancing and it bores me to death. I'm a terrible dancer, my partner is worse, and I would burst into tears if anyone tried to get me dance in front of them--nevermind in front of a huge crowd wearing a fancy dress. Not happening.

We might have board games, though, and I know my family and friends will like that just as much.

Watching people dance is definately boring, doing it not so much. Just have to not care if you are a terrible dancer, I never took any classes, just do what I feel like. If you don't care what people think about you for most things, why that in particular?

I would love board games (and they tend to be the center of most enjoyable parties I go to), but I did that all night before my wedding with my side of the wedding party. Day of before we took the pictures was fun too. Went to the supermarket and picked up some melons and a melon baller in our tuxes and ate them under a gazebo in my town park. Suprisingly easy to eat them with only that tool. Then proceeded to go to a wine tasting down the road from the B&B we were staying at. Watched my friends play some Go at the B&B while waiting for my future wife to get ready. All before the wedding, that was a pretty fun day.

[anastrophe]

Watching people dance is definately boring, doing it not so much. Just have to not care if you are a terrible dancer, I never took any classes, just do what I feel like. If you don't care what people think about you for most things, why that in particular?

The point is that I don't enjoy it, and I don't appreciate being forced to do things I don't enjoy. And I would like to enjoy my own wedding, not just hold an event that meets some arbitrary criteria of what other people enjoy.

I would love board games (and they tend to be the center of most enjoyable parties I go to) [...] All before the wedding, that was a pretty fun day.

Since we're trying to make each other feel bad, your wedding was thus not enjoyable?

To each their own. I'm glad you liked your event. And I'm sure the people who spend $25,000 on liquor and DJs and all-night dancing like theirs. I'm also sure I'll like mine, and that my guests will also, even if it doesn't have the elements that you seem to think are so unequivocally necessary.

[Russ]

Since we're trying to make each other feel bad, your wedding was thus not enjoyable?

I don't think AFT is trying to make you feel bad, they're just maybe being a little over-encouraging the way enthusiastic people can be sometimes.

I'm with everyone else that the wedding is about the bride and the groom

I think this is the important part, everyone respects everyone else's choices. Just sometimes when you love _____ so much (dancing in this case) it's hard not to encourage other people to try it.

Congratulations on the upcoming wedding :)

[AJ]

If you don't want to drink, of course that's fine, but at least provide it or at the very least provide them with the ability to drink at a cash bar.

Huh? I've been to a couple dozen weddings and a grand total of one had alcohol. Granted, the majority of our friends and family are of modest means, or conservative Christian, or both. I have never heard anyone complain there wasn't booze. I know it is common, and it would certainly make a wedding more fun for me personally, but it can't possibly be expected. I find that suggestion odd.

Weddings are for the happy couple AND the guests, it's true, but they are also a reflection of the couple. If the couple doesn't like alcohol or dancing, I would find it odd that their wedding would include it. In the same way I wouldn't expect a wedding of two atheists to include any religious elements or symbols, even though those things are very common in ceremonies. Or the same way my vegan friends hired a special vegan caterer - it would have been odd for them to serve meat even though most people eat it.

[Reepekg]

I'm with everyone else that the wedding is about the bride and the groom

I'm going to take the other side. People are (usually) traveling from all over to come watch you get married, give you gifts, and catch up with the rest of the family, etc. You don't have to bend to your guests' every whim, but being a good host is taking into consideration that they'll enjoy themselves. At the very least, working with the assumption that the event is for the guests is a precautionary measure against getting too self-centered, since most of the day is already structured all around the bride and groom.

[Angelfishtitan]

The point is that I don't enjoy it, and I don't appreciate being forced to do things I don't enjoy. And I would like to enjoy my own wedding, not just hold an event that meets some arbitrary criteria of what other people enjoy.

I assumed, but you didn't really ever say you didn't enjoy it, just that you were bad at it and didn't want to follow norms. Hence my gentle prodding.

Since we're trying to make each other feel bad, your wedding was thus not enjoyable?

My wedding was way more than a "party" to me! That gets straight upgraded to "kick-ass life milestone" on par with buying a house and early retirment when you're the bride or groom. Trying to make you feel bad? I think Russ has it right, sometimes it is hard not to be overly enthusiastic when life is so awesome. Hell, I even stated that you were clearly throwing a good party with the inclusion of board games and my first post clearly stated I had to have dancing at my wedding, but would happily go to one that didn't.

Plus, don't assume it is ludicrously expensive to do a "traditional" (what does this even mean?) wedding with a DJ (or speakers + MP3 player) and alcohol. I've been to weddings in fancy halls on top on a hill to ones in their back yard. They had wedding dresses, cake, flowers, food, rings, music, dancing, alcohol...and vastly different price tags. Mine was in a nice hall, had all these things and was under $10K including rings and honeymoon. Probably appalling to some people reading this right now, but it was what my wife and I wanted and was easily in our budget. Judging people's expenses on the low or high (to an extent) side for something like a wedding is pointless, because it isn't a normal purchase.

I'm going to take the other side. People are (usually) traveling from all over to come watch you get married, give you gifts, and catch up with the rest of the family, etc. You don't have to bend to your guests' every whim, but being a good host is taking into consideration that they'll enjoy themselves. At the very least, working with the assumption that the event is for the guests is a precautionary measure against getting too self-centered, since most of the day is already structured all around the bride and groom.

But really when you invite someone who isn't your close friend/family to a wedding you are saying: "Hey, I happen to be getting married at this date and are going to celebrate afterwards. If you want to come you can." People should be there to celebrate the couple's marriage, not get a few dollars worth of food and drink. People feeling obligated to go because they were invited shouldn't have to be accomadated specifically by the couple. There is a deeper societal issue with obligation in general for this that I think would take a lot more discussion.

[anastrophe]

Trying to make you feel bad? I think Russ has it right, sometimes it is hard not to be overly enthusiastic when life is so awesome. Hell, I even stated that you were clearly throwing a good party with the inclusion of board games and my first post clearly stated I had to have dancing at my wedding, but would happily go to one that didn't.

It's, ah, possible I'm a tad oversensitive about it at the moment. Apparently once you tell people you'll be getting married, they suddenly have a lot of opinions they want to share with you about how you should act, what you should buy, whether or not you're going to have children (or rather, WHEN), what you should wear, etc etc--because now you're a BRIDE and THIS IS HOW BRIDES ARE. Rather overnight, my coworkers, aunts, random acquaintances, and pretty much everyone else has seemed to start planning my life for me--no other life decision has ever seemed engineered so well to make me second-guess myself. My apologies.

I do want my guests to have fun, and I hope they will despite our nontraditional choices.

(Dead horse, indeed.)

[MooreBonds]

I'm going to take the other side. People are (usually) traveling from all over to come watch you get married, give you gifts, and catch up with the rest of the family, etc. You don't have to bend to your guests' every whim, but being a good host is taking into consideration that they'll enjoy themselves. At the very least, working with the assumption that the event is for the guests is a precautionary measure against getting too self-centered, since most of the day is already structured all around the bride and groom.

I agree that a couple's wedding is about the couple...but would tend to side with Reepekg's thoughts.

If you had a dinner party at your house, and invited guests over, I personally would think about what would be good to serve in terms of food and beverages and entertainment choices. Would I go out of my way to ask each and every person what they would want to eat, and make a special different dish for each person? Of course not, since I wouldn't have the time.

However, as a host (whether it's a house party or a wedding), I would want my guests to feel welcome. I would want them to have a good time. Is it necessary to have alcohol or a band to 'have a good time'? Of course not. But I personally would not want to throw a party that completely ignores what my guests might enjoy to help share in that good time.

Would you have a house party with guests over, then turn out the lights, and ask everyone to sit in the dark and listen to the rain falling on the roof in silence because it's something you really enjoy? It could be interesting for a minute - but you probably wouldn't force your guests to do that for 3 hours since they probably wouldn't really enjoy it, even though you might love to do it with your spouse when alone. So there's obviously some consideration given to what your guests might enjoy in a certain situation, given the budget, time, and location constraints.

A wedding reception is about the couple sharing their moment with guests. I suppose it boils down to some people wanting to go out of their way to make guests feel welcome at any event (house party or a wedding reception), versus focusing just solely on what the couple wants to have at their party.