I like Jalopnik, there are some humorous writers there, however I did find it interesting as you pointed out, that the majority of comments suggested the reasonable answers.
"You don’t need an SUV to handle snow. Somewhat echoing Ballaban, just get literally ANY car and proper snow tires for the winter."
"Yeah. My “adult” car is a Honda Fit. It isn’t fun or cool, but it is reliable, functional, and most importantly, paid off."
"Just keep the Nitro and drive the wheels off of it and pay down your student loans."
and finally,
"He doesn’t want to act like an adult. He wants to feel like an adult. There is a subtle, but clear difference."