Women in office jobs - let your hair go grey?

[Heather in Ottawa]

I ask because image at work has a great deal to do with how seriously you are taken, which in turn (at least in my environment) is going to have an influence on your career path. Work ethic and talent, are important, of course, but image still matters far too much. In my case, I'm 40, but look much younger than I am. I tend to get about age 25-30 as guesses, and a few times have even been asked in all sincerity if I'm "the new student". Groan.

While in many ways it's great to look and feel young, I suspect my apparent youth contributes to, for example,  getting interrupted and talked-over in meetings, or being the last person in the room a new arrival will tend to turn to for an introduction (if they even get around to me before getting into conversation with someone who appears more senior). So, I'm starting to wonder if I should start trying to give that subliminal cue that I'm "mature and experienced", instead, by letting the grey come in. I have dark brown hair, just touching my shoulders, and about 5% grey. Much easier for men, but for women, maybe this can just be perceived as unkempt, even if you're otherwise well-groomed.

Anyone done it? Notice a positive or negative reaction? Did you notice whether people treat you differently?

[Goldielocks]

I opt for highlights only about once every 18 month so the grey sort of  blends in.  I do my own occasionally.

I am an engineer, and more than half the people I work with don't worry about their clothes, let alone the hair...see the male clothes threads.

It is interesting as the first 15 years of my career, I deliberately dressed older to get the attention/ respect that you mention.  Now that grey hair is coming in, I am dressing younger and have long hair.  Eg I actually wore jeans and a pony tail last Friday, with casual blazer.

[parkette]

I like the look of gray hair, though mine is not particularly attractive in its early stages. Likely under 5% but I have a ton of hair. I'm 31 and a coworker suggested last year (when I asked) that she thought it looked less professional. I still haven't coloured it because I'm on mat leave and my husband could care less.

I also look quite young and sometimes have difficulty being taken seriously. I have thought that the gray would help me look a bit older but lately I wonder if it just looks like I don't take care of myself. Even the guys at work started mentioning it- does that mean something?

I just know that I'll be lazy with it and I don't want to pay for it either. I'm losing a crazy amount of hair post pregnancy so now I have all these little baby hairs popping up that seem to be mostly gray. I'll have to colour it often to avoid the gray line.

[KMMK]

I never dyed my hair, it started greying in my early thirties and I have maybe 10%-15% grey at this point, at 38. I don't think it affected my career one way or the other. I think gradual grey is good. To me, obvious grey roots is way more distracting than partial grey. People just get used to it. I do think there can be benefits to looking a bit older. I like that aspect, I feel I will be taken more seriously in a consulting industry, and less people will question my semi-retirement.

However if I was starting over and trying to get a job, I'd consider dying it, if I wasn't haven't any success.

[Rezdent]

I did it because I started having reactions to the dye.  I had been dyeing for many years, as I went gray in my twenties.
I am about 60% gray at the moment, and I believe it makes me look about 15 years older than my real age.
If you are brunette you may find that you'll want to change your outfits.  Going gray really changed the colors that look good on me

I don't believe it has hindered my current job.
I do think it would hinder prospects if I need to go searching for a new job.  If that is needed, I would absolutely wear a wig.

If you want to stop suddenly and don't want the skunk effect, do check out the nicer wig shops. Go in, and find one with a real assistant.    Try on a few. They've gone high-tech, they are easy to care for, easy to wear, and come in about a billion styles, from edgy to professional.  Spend the money for a good one.

It's a cheap way to look fabulous, and you'll recoup the cost within a few months by not needing dye or cuts.

[Bracken_Joy]

I don't know if going grey will help with the age thing right now. At least where I am, it's currently "on trend". Lots of early 20s gals dying their hair silver.

[FIRE Artist]

Yes, at your age, with as little grey as you have, now is the time to just let the grey grow in naturally.  It will be so much easier and less expensive than what I am going through right now to transition to grey.  I think Grey hair can support, not discredit you professionally.


I am 42 this year and started going grey when I was 16, so my natural hair is now about 60% grey.  I have been dying it since about 30, I am brunette.  I decided last month to finally give up the insanity of root maintenance every 6-8 weeks, and dealing with the unprofessional looking roots from 2 weeks after a haircut and dye job.  There is no way I can just let my roots grow out naturally as I have a very obvious roots that will look unkempt.  So this week, I went in and had the most expensive fancy pants hair dye job of my life.  Three hours in the chair $240 later, I walked out with really nice streaky ash blond hair that blends really well with the grey roots.  A big change for me, I have never been blond.  In 8 weeks, the hairdresser will evaluate again to see if we need to do more blending.  Some women need to do blending until their grey fully grows out, a year or more.

[La Bibliotecaria Feroz]

It sounds like the thing to do in your own case. Highly individual, of course.

Basically, one wants to look tidy, well-kempt, and put together, which is a complex algorithm. Gray in the hair may mean keeping a neater hairstyle, for instance. I try not to wear sandals to work if my toenail polish is looking unusually terrible, as another example.

[Loretta]

I've let my hair go gray.  I would suggest no inches-long roots though, if you can avoid that look.  Gray around the temples/center against a brunette base can look very cool. 

[Dicey]

I didn't start discovering grey hairs until after I FIRED. I worked for large corporations but never in an office per se*, so I'm just following along to see how mustachian women are coping with the whole grey hair issue.

*I was in outside sales, so home office or customer's place of business. Visits to corporate HQ were avoided like the plague.

[Catbert]

I also have (well, had) very dark brown hair.  When I started to go grey I didn't mind the grey except that it made my hair look mousey.  So I started coloring it.  That put me on the coloring treadmill for the next 20 years.  By the time it looked (at the roots) grey enough to look good it would have been too unattractive while growing it out.  So I colored it until 2 weeks before I retired and not since.  It probably too 6 months for it to grow out - and I have pretty short hair.

I don't have any particular recommendation for you other than to realize that once you start coloring dark hair it is very hard to stop.

[NZBubble]

I am nearly 50, and went grey very early, and so have been colouring my hair since my late 20s.

However my hair grows so fast, the roots need doing at 2 weeks, and look awful by 3 weeks.

I decided to change from a permanent dye to a semi permanent dye after discussing with my hairdresser. She suggested changing the colour I buy from a dark brown to a light brown/ dark blonde, and the plan is to colour it until all of it has grown out, using a lighter colour gradually, until in about a year I should be able to just keep washing the semi perm colour out.

It will end up looking lighter at the top than the bottom I guess but will hopefully do away with the solid grey growth line. That's the plan anyway. Though she looked a bit skeptical about the semi permanent colour being actually only semi permanent.

Many thanks to Diverging Artist; that is a good solution too, going streaky ash blonde. Because the semi perm colour I buy is about $18, and lasts 4 weeks, using half a box on the roots every 2 weeks, so is a cost of around $500 a year anyway.
2 expensive streaking colouring sessions leading to a grow out would be the same cost and a damn sight less effort since I colour my hair myself - thanks.

[gaja]

I colored it once or twice when I started noticing the white hairs, then I decided I liked the look. Now, in my mid thirties, I would guess I'm something like 30 % grey. As long as you are well groomed and dress according to the office codes, grey hair shouldn't be an issue. Especially now that "silver" is fashionable.

[MrsPotts]

I am 54, and have longish, reddish blonde hair.  The grey looks like blonde streaks.  The goatee, on the other hand...

[pachnik]

I started going very grey in my late 20's and have been colouring my hair since then to a dark brown.  The grey hasn't come in evenly.  It is basically right at the top of my head - so about a third grey right on top.  Between hair cuts/colours I use a spray called "Hair Powder" made by Bumble & Bumble.  It is kind of like a mousse and it comes in several colours.  I have the dark brown one and it helps with the demarcation line.  Not perfectly, but good enough for me. 

Sometimes I do wish I had let it go gray naturally but I suspect it would look like a skunk.  :(    Stopping the colouring would give me a pretty horrid re-growth line.  I have thought about going into a fancier salon and trying some blending in.  My current hairdresser is not up to the task.   

I work in an office as an assistant so not a professional job.  When I retire, I will stop with the dying.  I may stop sooner and this thread has given me some good ideas.  I'd never thought of the wig idea.

[esq]

I'm 57 and have been dyeing my (very long, thick) hair back to it's natural black every 6 - 8 weeks for about 20 years.  I'm a teacher, and plan on leaving my current position next summer, which means I will be interviewing, so plans on letting my natural 100% silver out need to be put on hold.  Yes, dyeing's a pain, but one must take into account society's value of youth.  First impressions and all that.  Once I get settled into a new position, assuming I'll want to stay, I'll be looking into the wig thing and going natural.

My friend is an engineer for Exxon-Mobil and travels all over the world.  She always keeps up with her blond hair and highlights.

I have researched and called around about dyeing my hair, and am truly puzzled, (and when I say puzzled, I mean vexed), that no one seems to acknowledge they can do anything but dye my black hair a platinum or some other light blonde to let my silver grow in.  How on earth does Kelly Osbourne, et al, get their gray hair at their young age???  That color is NOT blonde, it's GRAY.  So gray dye must exist somewhere.

It will end up looking lighter at the top than the bottom

Hey, that's called ombre and it's totally in style! :)

[MayDay]

My mom has dark brown hair and initially dyed it and highlighted it.  The cost, time, and general fake-ness of it eventually caught up to her.  Most people with died dark colored hair look pretty fake, IMO.  If you are 20 and have dark brown/black hair, it is believable.  If you are 40-50-60, everyone knows its fake.

Anyway she has gorgeous salt and pepper hair now.  It looks good, and real.  I am just starting to get a few greys, and I won't dye mine.  I'm 32. 

I think the least professional thing women can do is have long hair that they wear down.  Either get it cut shorter, or keep it pulled back in a tidy way, if it is longer than shoulder length.  And even at shoulder length if you hair is frizzy and wavy like mine, it probably doesn't look too professional worn down.  Maybe I am alone in that assessment? 

[esq]

I think the least professional thing women can do is have long hair that they wear down.  Either get it cut shorter, or keep it pulled back in a tidy way, if it is longer than shoulder length.  And even at shoulder length if you hair is frizzy and wavy like mine, it probably doesn't look too professional worn down.  Maybe I am alone in that assessment? 

I'm 57, and I often wear my hair up, but am not afraid to wear it down, either.  I make sure it's curled and not too unkempt.  I'm very interested in what I'm going to look like once I find a gray wig to try on.

[esq]

P.S.  Looks like I was overdue for a dye job in this pic, LOL.

[rubybeth]

I'm only 34 and starting to get some serious gray streaks (a la Mrs. Money Mustache), and I'm going to leave it. My face looks "young" (I still get carded and some disbelief that I'm in my mid-30s), so I think it may help to have some grey going to balance out the young look. Really hoping I end up 80% silver like my mom, but she didn't start greying until her late 40s.

[justajane]

My mom is in her 70s and still dyes her hair this unnatural looking reddish brown. I'm always wondering when she is going to embrace the grey. I personally like older women with grey hair. I think it looks better than fake colors, especially as you age.

Having said that, if I had gone grey in my twenties or thirties I probably would have dyed it. I'm pushing forty, and at this point, I will probably just let it be. I haven't dyed or put highlights in my hair for over a decade. I don't know why I would start now.

[FIRE Artist]

I asked my hairdresser about the silver dye that young girls are doing, the issue she had with it is that it doesn't last more than a few weeks, so needs lots of maintenance, and it requires very harsh platinum blond bleaching if the entire head of hair, sometimes taking more than one session if the hair is really dark.  And , it doesn't necessarily transition to your grey hair if you hair isn't 100% platinum, which most women are not until their 70's.

For those interested in the details, here is the route I am taking on the advice of my hair dresser.

Before the treatment, my hair was coloured a warm red-brown.  The red typically fades out between colours so I always get the colour pulled through for the last 5 minutes of the treatment to refresh to the ends.

After my last dye job. I waited 10 weeks so had over an inch of growth to allow for blending a soft line into the grey.  My natural hair had that mousy silver look that someone else mentioned.

The hairdresser did my full head in foils to bleach out the colour on 50% of my hair.  I had never had this done before, found the technique fascinating.  She took a split of my hair, about 2.5 inches wide, and maybe 1/8 of an inch thick.  She then split this section into little divisions about 1/4" wide, like weaving fabric with the end of the comb, she would drop the bottom plates, put the top strands in the foil and then apply the bleach (which had a blue tinge, to make the hair as white as possible without yellow).  When she applied the bleach, she blended up into the grey, but not down to the scalp to give the soft transition.  Once this process was done and rinsed out, she applied an ash tint to my whole head.  She explained that ash is blue-green and it gives the bleached blond a cool look instead of warm, which you absolutely do not want for growing out grey.  So currently my regrowth doesn't have streaks in it, but it does have the ash tint.  For maintenance, if I am super lucky, I will have to do nothing, or I may want to do another ash tint to ease the transition, or worst case, get some more streaks in a few months. 

Let me try to attach a photo. 

Here is my hair under fluorescent lights. 

[nazar]

I am nearly 50, and went grey very early, and so have been colouring my hair since my late 20s.

However my hair grows so fast, the roots need doing at 2 weeks, and look awful by 3 weeks.

+1

I decided I was going gray about a year ago when I had a horrific reaction to a dye job.  I simply was not willing to experience that again so I went cold turkey.  I cut eight inches of length and got a short choppy bob, a hair mascara for occasions when I needed to touch up the roots, and got regular trims until the fake color was gone.   Now the fake color is gone and it is a thousand times healthier I am growing out the length again.  I think I used that hair mascara twice.  Most of the time it just wasn't that important. 

To the positive, I have a nice savings boost now that I am not coloring every 3-4 weeks.  I can also go a bit longer between cuts because the condition of my hair is so much better.

[NZBubble]

@esq - hard to believe you are 67. That must be some fancy-ass face cream you're using made out of unicorn's tears.

My hair colour is very dark brown, nearly black. So just stopping cold turkey is not an option, particularly not in the industry I now find myself working in.

@diverging artist - thanks for the photo. Your hair looks great. I would have to bleach out all my hair I guess to a light brown to have streaks work. Might look a bit like Morticia otherwise.

[Dexterous]

I'd say go with what makes you most attractive... as long as that doesn't mean destroying your hair like some of the processes mentioned above.  :)  Aside from that, I've always thought people should focus on their physical condition (for health + looks) and wear well-fitted professional clothing.  Usually if people are in shape and dressed well, then they feel better as a result... and that portrays outward.

[teen persuasion]

Interesting discussion.

I have never dyed my hair, despite starting to grey early.  I always hated the way my mom's hair looked fake, way too dark for her.  Yes we were brunettes, but your coloring changes and you need to go lighter gradually.

I have always looked younger than my age, but now that my hair is more grey than not, I've been asked a few times if my youngest son is my grandson (I'm 48).  I think that since most women do dye to cover grey hair, everyone thinks those who wear it grey MUST be even older, if you KWIM?  It feels like there is a border I've crossed over - when my hair overall "read" as dark (even if a bit salt & pepper) I was still judged young based on overall appearance.  Now that my hair is more of that mousey grey (lighter), I must be older, period, a grandma, regardless of what the rest of me looks like.

I also agree that the colors that flatter you will change as your hair changes.  I used to favor strong contrasts with my fair skin: black, charcoal grey, red, bright blues.  Someone recently complimented me on a teal sweater, not something I would have worn previously, but it worked with my hair now.

Every so often I think about coloring my hair back to the brunette it is in my mind, but I'm lazy.  It's way too much work to maintain. 

[FIRE Artist]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way Heather.

[FIRE Artist]

Back when I was a new manager, I had an wonderful HR manager who told me (in her Scotish brogue), that the best thing about being a professional woman over 40 was finally being "old enough and ugly enough" to speak your mind with impunity, as opposed to a younger woman's pressure to maintain and live up to the "bright young thing" image.  Now that I am on the right side of 40, I am happily embracing being old enough and ugly enough too.

[esq]

@esq - hard to believe you are 67. That must be some fancy-ass face cream you're using made out of unicorn's tears.

*hands NZ bubble her glasses*  I'm a young spring chicken of 57!  Don't rush me, girl! :D  Judicious use of quality sunscreen helps, esp here in Texas. 

Best of luck to you, Heather.  You can do this. 

[Sibley]

I'm 29, and so far I haven't seen any grays. My hair is a little lighter in color though so it wouldn't stick out so horribly. Never dyed my hair - just too lazy! My mom started going gray in her early-mid 30s, so I'm expecting to start in a few years. Currently, I plan to just let it do its thing.

Professionally, I'm in a fairly secure career. Never going to end the need for accountants! There's enough people who've gone gray where I work that it's a nonissue, at least for now.

[Workingmomsaves]

I am naturally brunette and I have been highlighting my hair blonde for 10 years or so.  If there was a good way to go back to my natural color I would.  It's a pain to maintain and I am thinking about cutting it shorter to get rid of a lot of the blonde.  I also have a little grey at 34, but who really knows how much as I am getting the highlights done every 10 weeks or so.  Ugh!  I say do what makes you feel comfortable.

[NZBubble]

@esq - hard to believe you are 67. That must be some fancy-ass face cream you're using made out of unicorn's tears.

*hands NZ bubble her glasses*  I'm a young spring chicken of 57!  Don't rush me, girl! :D  Judicious use of quality sunscreen helps, esp here in Texas. 

Yes, thanks, that's better esq. *cleans smears off glasses*
 Still look like you're using unicorns tears m'dear as 57 is just as unbelievable.

Heather - hope today was better.

[Playing with Fire UK]

Loving this discussion. I'm 32, people sometimes tell me I look 24.

When I'm meeting new clients I sometimes use dry shampoo to give me a few grey streaks. I get taken seriously more quickly this way (other times I will get taken seriously eventually, but only after I've dropped into conversation that I'm an Oxford graduate, air force veteran, worked in my field for seven years, etc).

Another thing I found useful was experimenting with different coloured suits/work wear. For me a mid charcoal colour ages my face somehow, some shades of pale blue and pink make my skin look great - but make me look even younger, so are avoided. I also avoid blue/green/red checks and strips that are similar to the summer uniforms the schools near us have.

And although it won't work for all industries I always wear a suit jacket to meetings.

For the OP, I'd look around the office, is there a difference between how the successful women dress and other women dress? [If there are no sucessful women you may be asking the wrong question]

I support the sentiment that all of this SHOULD be totally unnecesary, and apologise in advance to anyone who finds this offensive.

[BlueHouse]

Well, I think I'm leaning towards buying yet another package of hair dye. Grumble, grumble... superficial double standard. At least I'm happy with the look of my dyed hair, if not for all the sexist reasons behind doing it (even on my own part, for preferring the look).

And I think I'll be redoubling my efforts to (sometimes) interrupt people, talk louder, and, speak before I've fully thought something out. None of which comes naturally to me, especially the interrupting, and all of which seems to be seen as the kind of assertive, confident, go-getter approach that's rewarded. And that bothers me, too, since it's just taking on a more stereotypically male persona. Somehow, I think it's a no-win... nice polite girl meaningless girl if you meekly follow your gender role, and a pain-in-the-ass troublemaker if you speak up. I'd rather be a troublemaker, but damn am I ever feeling invisible today.

It's not about the hair.  So do what you want with your hair.  I had the same trouble of feeling invisible when I was younger.  I promise you, I do not get treated that way anymore.  Here are a few things that worked for me:

1.  I took out a library book on how to sound more professional -- it worked on speech patterns specifically for women.  I didn't think I got that much out of it at the time, but I was able to use some of the techniques later when people started really listening to what I had to say.  There are many ways that women sabotage themselves by sounding like schoolgirls.  Tape record yourself and get rid of terrible speech patterns.
2.  For the part where  no one notices when you walk in a door or doesn't respect your entrance enough to acknowledge you:  check your shoes.  You need shoes that click when you walk.  Not the small staccato click of stilletto heels.  serious clicks like a chunky heel of  any height.  Whether in flats or heels, everyone should hear you coming from the click of your heels.  Wedges are for days when you don't want anyone to look at you.  It's not at all about fashion, but the sound your shoes make is a part of my strategy. 
3.  Walk quickly and with purpose.  You should be walking fast enough to create a slight breeze.  When you open a door to a meeting, if someone is in your way, they need to be bowled over.  When you walk through a crowd, that crowd should part for you because you are looking straight ahead and you know you are going to get there even if you have to walk through people.  No one can ignore that.  It sounds weird, but it works and no one knows why they notice you, but they do and you can make a grand entrance without being dramatic.
4.  I wish I had this years earlier, but I'm glad I found it now.  Google Amy Cuddy power pose and watch the 15 minute TED talk.  It will change your professional life.  Use the power pose.  Don't be shy about taking up more space at meetings. 
5.  Forget the hair -- it doesn't matter one way or the other (as long as you look neat and tidy). 

[happy]

I'm in my mid 50s, with my natural hair colour a very dark brown. I started dying in my 40s, mainly to look professionally groomed. 2 or 3 years ago I decided I wanted to go grey. I think I might have about 50% grey hair. I'm using semi-permanents that I do myself every 4 weeks, and am progressively lightening the shade. I started with darkest brown and am now at light brown. The semipermanent is cumulative, in that if you keep dying the ends, each time a little more sticks and they do get darker, so I try to only colour the roots.  Around the 3 week mark, I am starting to get some silvery glints show through. When it gets too bad, mainly the last week, I use a hair crayon on the grey roots in a dark brown.  I hope to just keep getting lighter year by year.

My only issue with this, is that the colour at the moment is quite a nondescript mousy brown.  The only time I tried a colour with warmer tones the greys went a bright orange that was quite alarming. Fortunately it  settled down after a few washes. I'm thinking about getting some high/low lights just to add some interest.

As far as grey in the workplace goes, I think it should be OK, but suspect it often is not. It might depend on your industry. I'm down to my last 3 years of working and hopefully my last job, so I'm not too worried.

[boy_bye]

I agree with BlueHouse that it really isn't about the hair.

And, Heather, interrupting dudes is super fun! Especially when you notice how much they interrupt women. Like ALL THE TIME. I consider it my daily contribution toward dismantling the patriarchy.

Forgive me for a minute while I put on my ranting dress -- I feel like women are socialized to want to be well-liked more than basically anything else, and this works to our detriment in many ways but especially in the workplace. The thing that is worthwhile is not being well-liked, it's being well-respected.

My boss is the one who clued me into this. I was on a call with some of our (older, less flexible) team members (dudes) and they were giving me guff about a decision I made, and I basically smacked them down like "No, you are doing it the way I said, unless you can convince me otherwise and so far your arguments have not convinced me." After the call I said to my boss, "Man, I guess I was a kind of a dick." And he replied, "Yeah, you were, but who cares?"

Immediately I got the point that powerful dudes at work don't give a shit about everyone liking them all the time. They interrupt, they argue, they get their point across at any cost, and precious little of it is taken personally. And honesty? I think it's healthy ... because it's not personal, it's work, and the best idea should win. If I think I have the best idea, or if I see something terribly wrong with the idea on the table, I need to advocate for my point of view and not worry if others think I'm too aggressive.

Not to say that I'm a big old meanie all the time -- I try to make lots of jokes and I'm as helpful as I can be and in general I have good relationships with co-workers -- but I also have no qualms about taking up space and making sure my POV is well represented. If the decision goes the other way, I will work with it, but up into that point, I am straight-up arguing my POV, even if it gets heated.

I have no idea how you act at work so I'm just throwing this out there in case it might apply.

I should also say that I am fat, I am a weirdo, I wear strange clothes and make stupid jokes and I am not what anyone would picture in their mind when they imagine "a powerful woman at work." And yet, everyone listens when I speak. I think it's because I am firmly seated in the power of my own convictions, and I have a lot of confidence in my ability to think things through clearly, and I don't give a shit if the other people at the table don't like me in that moment.

All that being said, I fully intend to let my hair go gray whenever it wants to. I may overdye it hot pink or teal when I get enough gray for it to matter. At 42 I've got maybe 2-3% so we'll see how it goes ...

ETA: I think a lot of this is down to the industry, too. I'm in tech (albeit an old and moldy corner of tech) which I'm sure is different from finance, law, etc. Also I'm a physically large person -- 5'10" -- so that doesn't hurt either (though I am often seen as / treated like I'm much younger than my colleagues).

Basically, I don't mean to say "be like me and things will be great!" More that niceness is way over-emphasized as a life goal for women. I see it all the time at work -- the woman has a great idea but doesn't want to be seen as rude or aggressive so she backs down and we end up making a worse decision than we may have if she had spoken up. This leads to her feeling less valued and even less interested in / invested in work, and it becomes a vicious circle of disengagement and disempowerment.

[KMMK]

Great post, miss madge. I completely agree and acted similarly to you back when I worked for someone else. Being liked at work just isn't that important. When we'd talk negatively about our bosses, the undertone was always about respect. It didn't really matter if we liked them or they liked us. They weren't a good boss if no one respected them.

And speaking up is the best way to get noticed and respected IMO.

[plainjane]

All that being said, I fully intend to let my hair go gray whenever it wants to. I may overdye it hot pink or teal when I get enough gray for it to matter. At 42 I've got maybe 2-3% so we'll see how it goes ...

I'm likewise planning on a blue or purple overdye.  Based on my mom and sisters I probably have about 7 years, which co-incidentally is around my date to not care about my hair at work _anyways_ :)

[ZiziPB]

I am 47, work in a professional setting (in-house counsel at a Fortune 500 co) and decided to stop coloring my hair when I was 42 or so.  I am over 50 percent gray.  It was a great decision!  I love my hair and feel very comfortable with it. I have received many complements on it.  I don't think it made any difference one way or the other at work.  I work in a male dominated business area where it is hard for any woman to do well because of the "good old boys club" mentality that dominates this area.  However, my clients do recognize, appreciate and respect my abilities, experience and no-nonsense personality. They couldn't care less about my looks. 

[Milizard]

Well, I think I'm leaning towards buying yet another package of hair dye. Grumble, grumble... superficial double standard. At least I'm happy with the look of my dyed hair, if not for all the sexist reasons behind doing it (even on my own part, for preferring the look).

And I think I'll be redoubling my efforts to (sometimes) interrupt people, talk louder, and, speak before I've fully thought something out. None of which comes naturally to me, especially the interrupting, and all of which seems to be seen as the kind of assertive, confident, go-getter approach that's rewarded. And that bothers me, too, since it's just taking on a more stereotypically male persona. Somehow, I think it's a no-win... nice polite girl meaningless girl if you meekly follow your gender role, and a pain-in-the-ass troublemaker if you speak up. I'd rather be a troublemaker, but damn am I ever feeling invisible today.

It's not about the hair.  So do what you want with your hair.  I had the same trouble of feeling invisible when I was younger.  I promise you, I do not get treated that way anymore.  Here are a few things that worked for me:

1.  I took out a library book on how to sound more professional -- it worked on speech patterns specifically for women.  I didn't think I got that much out of it at the time, but I was able to use some of the techniques later when people started really listening to what I had to say.  There are many ways that women sabotage themselves by sounding like schoolgirls.  Tape record yourself and get rid of terrible speech patterns.
2.  For the part where  no one notices when you walk in a door or doesn't respect your entrance enough to acknowledge you:  check your shoes.  You need shoes that click when you walk.  Not the small staccato click of stilletto heels.  serious clicks like a chunky heel of  any height.  Whether in flats or heels, everyone should hear you coming from the click of your heels.  Wedges are for days when you don't want anyone to look at you.  It's not at all about fashion, but the sound your shoes make is a part of my strategy. 
3.  Walk quickly and with purpose.  You should be walking fast enough to create a slight breeze.  When you open a door to a meeting, if someone is in your way, they need to be bowled over.  When you walk through a crowd, that crowd should part for you because you are looking straight ahead and you know you are going to get there even if you have to walk through people.  No one can ignore that.  It sounds weird, but it works and no one knows why they notice you, but they do and you can make a grand entrance without being dramatic.
4.  I wish I had this years earlier, but I'm glad I found it now.  Google Amy Cuddy power pose and watch the 15 minute TED talk.  It will change your professional life.  Use the power pose.  Don't be shy about taking up more space at meetings. 
5.  Forget the hair -- it doesn't matter one way or the other (as long as you look neat and tidy).

Fascinating.  It makes intuitive sense, but not anything I've come across before.  I've definitely got to work on this sort of thing.  Do you remember the name of the book?

[Carolina on My Mind]

Reading this thread with interest.  I'm 45, at least 50% gray, and increasingly sick of the expense and hassle of coloring my hair.  I'm trying to work up the nerve to let it go gray.

[Money Mouse]

I'm 39 and have grey hair at my temples for the most part, and as a dark brunette you can tell! I use root touch up about every 8 weeks or so. I clip coupons and wait for sales and probably average about $3 a box or so. I just buy the color that matches my natural color and it's super easy to apply, you can't tell I dye my hair at all!  At some point I'll have to dye all of my head or decide to let it go, but for the meantime this is a cheap and easy "fix".

If you aren't mentally ready to go grey yet but can't stomach salon prices, try the DIY kits, you may be pleasantly surprised!

[Lis]

Mid 20s here with a decent number of gray/silver hairs. Got my first few "super platinums" when I was 18 or so, plus a ton extra when my mom was diagnosed and being treated for breast cancer. I'm a dark brunette otherwise and I rock them. I've never permanently dyed my hair (the woman who cuts my hair LOVES my virgin hair) and I'm not interested in starting. Some coworkers brought them up and I laughed it off, saying work was stressing me out too much. When one (female) coworker was insisting I should get it dyed and that I would LOVE her stylist, I started naming male coworkers who are going gray and asking if they would love her too. She took the hint.

Women in the professional world definitely are at a disadvantage when it comes to dress appropriately, specifically when it comes to hair and make up. I like playing around with make up and will get all 'professional' with that, but there are certainly days I throw on eyeliner and lipgloss and call it a day. If I don't feel like straightening my hair, it gets pulled back into a bun and my grays look like sparkly highlights. Ask me again how I feel about grays in 10 years, but I think my answer will be the same.

I'm with miss madge, if I'm ever going to fully dye my hair, I'm going bubblegum pink!

[BlueHouse]

It's not about the hair.  So do what you want with your hair.  I had the same trouble of feeling invisible when I was younger.  I promise you, I do not get treated that way anymore.  Here are a few things that worked for me:

1.  I took out a library book on how to sound more professional -- it worked on speech patterns specifically for women.  I didn't think I got that much out of it at the time, but I was able to use some of the techniques later when people started really listening to what I had to say.  There are many ways that women sabotage themselves by sounding like schoolgirls.  Tape record yourself and get rid of terrible speech patterns.
2.  For the part where  no one notices when you walk in a door or doesn't respect your entrance enough to acknowledge you:  check your shoes.  You need shoes that click when you walk.  Not the small staccato click of stilletto heels.  serious clicks like a chunky heel of  any height.  Whether in flats or heels, everyone should hear you coming from the click of your heels.  Wedges are for days when you don't want anyone to look at you.  It's not at all about fashion, but the sound your shoes make is a part of my strategy. 
3.  Walk quickly and with purpose.  You should be walking fast enough to create a slight breeze.  When you open a door to a meeting, if someone is in your way, they need to be bowled over.  When you walk through a crowd, that crowd should part for you because you are looking straight ahead and you know you are going to get there even if you have to walk through people.  No one can ignore that.  It sounds weird, but it works and no one knows why they notice you, but they do and you can make a grand entrance without being dramatic.
4.  I wish I had this years earlier, but I'm glad I found it now.  Google Amy Cuddy power pose and watch the 15 minute TED talk.  It will change your professional life.  Use the power pose.  Don't be shy about taking up more space at meetings. 
5.  Forget the hair -- it doesn't matter one way or the other (as long as you look neat and tidy).

Fascinating.  It makes intuitive sense, but not anything I've come across before.  I've definitely got to work on this sort of thing.  Do you remember the name of the book?

It was years ago, so unfortunately, I can't remember.  It was actually an audio book though, so you could listen to the poor examples and the better examples and practice.  I don't remember any of the names of speech patterns, but there are some that are very common with women:

• ending sentences with 'upward inflection' like a question or approval-seeking
• valley girl speak
• speaking with too high a pitch -- speak from the belly and use the air in the lungs to make your sound travel farther
• too tight facial muscles -- in the morning in the car, practice making vowel/monkey sounds (ee, ii, oo, uu) with exaggerated facial movements.  There's something about loosening up those muscles that makes speaking clearly easier for the rest of the day.

My career started moving upward almost instantly after I started to pay attention to these small things.   I recently was introduced to someone that I have seen around my client site, so we knew each other by face, but not by name.  When introduced, his comment to me was "Oh yes, you always seem so competent".  He has never seen my work, so it's not based on anything other than how I walk around the halls.  And that really is simply believing that I have just as much right to be there as anyone else does. 
 



[/list]

[Candace]

Well, I think I'm leaning towards buying yet another package of hair dye. Grumble, grumble... superficial double standard. At least I'm happy with the look of my dyed hair, if not for all the sexist reasons behind doing it (even on my own part, for preferring the look).

And I think I'll be redoubling my efforts to (sometimes) interrupt people, talk louder, and, speak before I've fully thought something out. None of which comes naturally to me, especially the interrupting, and all of which seems to be seen as the kind of assertive, confident, go-getter approach that's rewarded. And that bothers me, too, since it's just taking on a more stereotypically male persona. Somehow, I think it's a no-win... nice polite girl meaningless girl if you meekly follow your gender role, and a pain-in-the-ass troublemaker if you speak up. I'd rather be a troublemaker, but damn am I ever feeling invisible today.

It's not about the hair.  So do what you want with your hair.  I had the same trouble of feeling invisible when I was younger.  I promise you, I do not get treated that way anymore.  Here are a few things that worked for me:

1.  I took out a library book on how to sound more professional -- it worked on speech patterns specifically for women.  I didn't think I got that much out of it at the time, but I was able to use some of the techniques later when people started really listening to what I had to say.  There are many ways that women sabotage themselves by sounding like schoolgirls.  Tape record yourself and get rid of terrible speech patterns.
2.  For the part where  no one notices when you walk in a door or doesn't respect your entrance enough to acknowledge you:  check your shoes.  You need shoes that click when you walk.  Not the small staccato click of stilletto heels.  serious clicks like a chunky heel of  any height.  Whether in flats or heels, everyone should hear you coming from the click of your heels.  Wedges are for days when you don't want anyone to look at you.  It's not at all about fashion, but the sound your shoes make is a part of my strategy. 
3.  Walk quickly and with purpose.  You should be walking fast enough to create a slight breeze.  When you open a door to a meeting, if someone is in your way, they need to be bowled over.  When you walk through a crowd, that crowd should part for you because you are looking straight ahead and you know you are going to get there even if you have to walk through people.  No one can ignore that.  It sounds weird, but it works and no one knows why they notice you, but they do and you can make a grand entrance without being dramatic.
4.  I wish I had this years earlier, but I'm glad I found it now.  Google Amy Cuddy power pose and watch the 15 minute TED talk.  It will change your professional life.  Use the power pose.  Don't be shy about taking up more space at meetings. 
5.  Forget the hair -- it doesn't matter one way or the other (as long as you look neat and tidy).

Well put, and so so true.

As a woman, your appearance is always under scrutiny and people always judge. In some ways, we can't win. We're either attractive, or we're taken seriously in the workplace, but to be both at the same time requires the techniques above. Do what you want to with your hair, but do look professional and well-put-together in the workplace, whether casual or more formal.

Stand up straight.

Act confident even when you don't feel that way. Acting meek is asking not to be taken seriously.

Smile.

Don't say "just" when talking about something you're doing or your assessment of something at work.

When someone interrupts you, you can talk over them. Many times, because you are a woman, you will be thought rude for doing this. Oh well! Once someone does this, you're in a lose-lose situation. You can either lose by letting them walk on you, or lose by being a bit forward and perhaps talking over someone else. You might as well stick up for yourself in that case.

[Heather in Ottawa]

Great advice on here... thanks to all for your perspectives.

Oh man, that talking-over-you/interrupting thing could be a whole other thread. There was one guy at a past job who did this to me so often, out of annoyance I finally decided "next time, I'm not stopping until I'm done"... so he jumps in, I keep talking, and then louder, and he gets louder, and dammit I kept going until I finished what I wanted to say... it was seriously about 30 seconds of us BOTH talking about MY (not his) project. So uncomfortable, I couldn't believe it that he just kept going. Worse yet, quite a lot of the room did turn their attention his way, which I suspect was an issue of sheer volume. So, it seems my homework is: practice interrupting when appropriate, and be LOUD about it.

This reminded me of this recent article about a Princeton study of the patterns of interruptions, in the context of how they relate to the only leader's debate that will include Elizabeth May (we're having a federal election right now, and she's the only woman, but not invited to most debates, since her party is small). Worth a read - the article is much more about a voice for women in politics, than about our particular election. http://ottawacitizen.com/news/politics/edana-beauvais-elizabeth-may-won-by-just-being-in-the-room

[BlueHouse]

Try, in as deep and loud a voice as you can muster, "I am NOT finished, wait your turn"

If you won't feel silly doing it, band your fist down one time on a table. I had to do that ONCE and only once. And it felt kind of empowering actually.

If you do that, you must be able to return to your thoughts immediately. Do not let it throw your train of thought. And get your voice back in order quickly too. Then continue like nothing happened. If someone talks about it later, confirm that yes, that is what happens when rude people interrupt you.   

Most women are at a disadvantage because we're taught to keep our voices down, don't make a fuss, be demure, respect authority. Damnit, WE ARE the authority! 
Good luck to you!

[Bracken_Joy]

Try, in as deep and loud a voice as you can muster, "I am NOT finished, wait your turn"

If you won't feel silly doing it, band your fist down one time on a table. I had to do that ONCE and only once. And it felt kind of empowering actually.

If you do that, you must be able to return to your thoughts immediately. Do not let it throw your train of thought. And get your voice back in order quickly too. Then continue like nothing happened. If someone talks about it later, confirm that yes, that is what happens when rude people interrupt you.   

Most women are at a disadvantage because we're taught to keep our voices down, don't make a fuss, be demure, respect authority. Damnit, WE ARE the authority! 
Good luck to you!

Oh god you just gave me flashbacks. My first full time, "I'm a grown-up" type job, I was 21 and looked about 16. And I was auditing work of 50+ year old male managers, who were not inclined to listen to me, even if the feedback was "stop right now or one of your employees is going to lose an arm". I grew up with older brothers and learned early on that sometimes... you just have to get loud. I got fed up with one manager in particular who, depending on the day would be saccharine and condescending and then ignore me, and other days would interrupt me and be extremely rude. Well, it finally came to a head one day in which I, um... clearly informed him, "I have been hired to do a job, and if you disagree with my job, you are welcome to appeal to my manager. In the meantime, I am responsible for the safety of our employees and our consumers, and you WILL listen to what I have to say and you WILL follow through when I tell you something is not to standard." A veteran employer later told me it was the most articulate take down he'd ever seen, and described me as "ice cold". But damn if people weren't respectful after that.

That manager was later fired for sexually harassing a young female employee, incidentally...

Sorry for side tracking the thread, just hadn't thought of that in a while!

[Aussiegirl]

Uhgggg!  All this positive talk has inspired me to give the "natural" hair colour a go, which will be at least 50% grey.  For me it's the time that it sucks out of my life having to spend half a weekend day every 3 weeks at the hairdresser.  And the stress if I can't get there and look untidy.    I work in a large company, in a very male dominated profession where lots of socialising / marketing is involved, so I will be interested to see what the reaction is.  For me it's the messy in between stage that I'm worried about - looking unprofessional and unkept.   I spent a good few hours googling on the weekend and am off to the hairdresser on Sat for a much, much shorter cut (phase 1) and then perhaps some highlights to try to break the starkness of the old dried hair to the new natural colour.  By Christmas I hope to be dye free!! 

[Rural]

I'm well over 50% gray (okay, 75%), and I definitely noticed a marked difference with college freshmen when the gray got noticeable - I don't have to spend any time playing a dominance game with some of them like I did when I looked younger. They now think I'm hopelessly out of touch, of course....


In higher education, I think it's only an advantage. I didn't have any trouble with colleagues or admin even before the gray, but it makes a world of difference with students.


But yes, the body language, speech patterns, and similar assertive behaviors are more important.