Wife won't grow a mustache but we have compromised

[Bigjones]

Hi everyone,

Have really enjoyed this website and lately cant sleep as its all ive been thinking about.  Over the course of the last few months I have re-taken over the bills of the house as things have come to light.  Ive spent every waking moment paying off bills left and right with a grin on my face as im finally able to breath a bit again.  All of this really without involving my wife.  With one last really big CC bill to pay off ($9600) I approached her to discuss it and my plans to wipe this last real bill out (except mortgage).  Needless to say Mrs Jones didnt really play ball the way I wanted.  Now keep in mind, we have two boys at home that are taking money to raise and I understand this, however we have come to a semi type of agreement.

I will still handle all of the bills but all i need to do is hand her $300 weekly to take care of how she sees fit, the gas for her car, food for everyone and anything else that pops up for kids activities, food at the kids games etc.  Some of you will frown at this arrangement but this may work out for this growing mustache.

We have roughly $4900 take home to work with (she brings a bit more home than I do).  So i feel this is a win win for me.  Im able to do my work and continue to grow out this fine 'stache while I pay her off each week :)  And to top it off i still get fed at supper time.

So the adventure continues.......

More coming soon!

[davisgang90]

My wife and I each get an allowance to spend however we see fit.  Makes the process of paying off bills and investing easier.

[LibrarIan]

Coming from a relationship in which my wife and I have always managed our own funds (although we help each other when need be), I find this arrangement to be a poor way of doing things - especially if she is making more than you. Is she blowing through her own money to the point where she needs $300 from you to do things? That $300 sounds an awful lot like a child support arrangement.

Here's my advice: Lead by example. My wife didn't initially embrace Mustachianism either. When I first brought it up she basically thought I was talking pyramid schemes and sucking all the fun out of life. But I soldiered on. I sold off or donated a lot of my belongings, started saving my money or investing it, stopped buying stupid things and altered a lot of other aspects of my life such as physical fitness or diet. Eventually it got to the point where she realized that most of the physical objects in our place belonged to her and that I was happier with less than she was with more. She has come on board to an extent.

Another thing my wife was opposed to was that she didn't want to just stop working really early and "do nothing." But after discussing it more I think she finally realized that the ultimate goal isn't "doing nothing," it's having the option to retire or quit at any time without negative financial consequences. And also making time for more important things in life like travel, family, hobbies, etc.

[Bigjones]

No I get both checks to help pull us out of the whole, out of both checks, all I give her is the $300.

[Bigjones]

I really believe I can get that CC paid off before spring with hard hard work.  After that im going to only pay a few hundred extra to the mortgage per month while maxing my 401k and HSA.  I simply may not be able to sleep untill I get to the point I can start dumping REAL dollars into these tax deferred accounts.

[Apples]

I've seen other threads on this forum where an OP is "giving" their spouse and "allowance" for household expenses, and a lot of people don't think that is a good way to handle money. However, I have extended family members who would do very well on this system, as one spouse can't help but spend money that's in their hands, and I really don't think they're going to change.  I think this is an excellent way to handle it, and it's good solution.  The only potential problems would be mistrust over spending that "allowance".  ex. A car needs a small repair and you think it's perfectly reasonable for it to come out of the $300, but she got her nails done on Monday (or whatever...I'm thinking of random scheduled frivolous expenses) and doesn't have the cash to cover it, so it has to come from the other money you're handling.  Be sure to keep plenty of open communication, and I think this can totally work, and could be the best solution for your situation at the moment.

[innkeeper77]

My wife and I (roughly) "give" each other an equal allowance, and joint expenses don't factor in. As we have gotten better at a mustachian lifestyle, we both find ourselves using a bulk of even that allowance investing and paying off student loans!

An allowance type system is only bad if both parties don't agree on it, and if it is unfairly structured.

[Gin1984]

I've seen other threads on this forum where an OP is "giving" their spouse and "allowance" for household expenses, and a lot of people don't think that is a good way to handle money. However, I have extended family members who would do very well on this system, as one spouse can't help but spend money that's in their hands, and I really don't think they're going to change.  I think this is an excellent way to handle it, and it's good solution.  The only potential problems would be mistrust over spending that "allowance".  ex. A car needs a small repair and you think it's perfectly reasonable for it to come out of the $300, but she got her nails done on Monday (or whatever...I'm thinking of random scheduled frivolous expenses) and doesn't have the cash to cover it, so it has to come from the other money you're handling.  Be sure to keep plenty of open communication, and I think this can totally work, and could be the best solution for your situation at the moment.

I have to agree.  My husband and I each have allowances and we did have to discuss what comes out of them.  Also, you gave her $300 which includes grocery shopping.  What was your average cost for that?  I would not consider grocery bills any less of a bill than any other.

[janiesuper]

Woah, so your wife only gets $300 to run the household? kids, food, gas.. That doesn't sound like much at all.  I'm sure there is much more to your story than this, but I urge you and other husbands to realize that the total marriage/family budget should be designed around the total family lifestyle. You really aren't "in charge" of the finances unless you understand how much is needed for gas and food, and from what you wrote, sounds like you don't know, and you left it up to your wife to decide, except with a limit of $300. Too round of a number I think. Surely more thought has gone into it since then.

[odput]

Woah, so your wife only gets $300 to run the household? kids, food, gas.. That doesn't sound like much at all.

$300/wk=$1200/mo=$14.4k/yr

How much food and gas do you need?  Surely $1200/mo is enough to feed a family, get around town, and provide a good deal of entertainment along the way

[Bigjones]

To some it doesnt sound like much , to others it sounds like more than enough.  Its an amount my wife was happy with and if she is happy than......well you know the rest.

Yes I believe our weekly grocerys run between $100-$125. Tank of gas is roughly $45 and the rest goes to what she wants.  Like i said, i feel this is a great tradeoff for me as Mrs Jones wants nothing to do with what im trying to do.  I feel like this is a small price to pay to enable me to really embrace the mustach and get things squared away.  Is it perfect no?  there have been a few weeks where the $300 wasnt enough when we had back to school shopping to do etc.

Overall, its been working more than great from where i sit.  Its enabled me to really begin paying off a ton of bills.

[SunshineGirl]

All that matters is it works for you!

[RetiredAt63]

Maybe define the $300 a bit better?  I can see it covering expenses that don't change a lot week to week or month to month.  But every-so-often expenses (like school supplies, winter clothes, etc.) should probably be in a different category.  It could simply be "variable expenses" with a list of possible inclusions.

[MsSindy]

I think the reason it probably works for you guys is that she gets to feel like she has some control over how to spend the money and that she doesn't have to account to you for everything she spends - so if she wants to indulge and has the money to do so, then she's free to do it without hubby criticizing her and looking over her shoulder.  And, on the flip side, hubby gets to use the remaining money to pay down debt and is also happy.  Hey, if it works for you guys, then it's great!

Ideally what will happen is that she'll see your debt disappear and your savings go up and will want to "get in on the game" to help move things along.  And, if it doesn't happen that way, you're still making progress and moving in the right direction, all the while keeping things happy at home.  total win-win.

[Bigjones]

MsSindy,

I think you nailed it and I certainly hope and pray that she 'gets in the game' when those things start to come true.

[CommonCents]

Woah, so your wife only gets $300 to run the household? kids, food, gas.. That doesn't sound like much at all.

$300/wk=$1200/mo=$14.4k/yr

How much food and gas do you need?  Surely $1200/mo is enough to feed a family, get around town, and provide a good deal of entertainment along the way

And actually, as it's weekly and not monthly it's $15,600 ($1300 a month).

Agree with others - define what is in and not in the $300 budget clearly.  Go through your bills for the past year to figure out the right bucket for recurring variable bills (dentist?  school supplies?  school trips?...)

[golden1]

I give myself a weekly allowance.  It is the best trick I know (besides auto-depositing savings) to minimize daily expenditures which is my Achilles heel.  My week to week spending really varies depending on a lot of factors, so specific line item budgets just set me up to fail.  I set aside a specific amount every week for all my non-fixed spending purchases.  I use an app called My Weekly Budget (it's free) to keep track of it.  The best thing about it is that if there is any left over, I keep track of that and roll it over to the next week.  It encourages me to save on groceries and other non-necessities because I like seeing that amount roll over every week.  These expenses are gas for the car, groceries and small household items, also kids related items and any shopping I do for myself. 

[dude]

Sounds like a good arrangement to me.  If she can truly handle things on $300/week (i.e., without racking up credit card debt behind your back), then I think it's a win-win, too.  She will likely be intrigued as your account balances (and net worth) grow.  I know it worked for my wife; when she started seeing the dollars adding up (and kept hearing from friends about their money issues/credit debt, etc ), I noticed a total change in her approach to this stuff.  Now she's pretty much kicking ass in the savings department, with the side benefit that she has curbed her spending accordingly.

[bonjourliz]

I know a lot of families that do this, successfully. 

But yes, agree that you and she should define what is included and what's not. 

[Metta]

MsSindy,

I think you nailed it and I certainly hope and pray that she 'gets in the game' when those things start to come true.

I think she is already in the game if she's sticking to a budgeted amount for weekly spending while you handle the investing portion. No reason everyone has to be pulling the exact same oar. The boat goes just as far if the oars being pulled are all moving the boat in the right direction.

[Gone Fishing]

Sounds good to me.  Since going hardcore around a year ago, I spend practically nothing other than gas, beer and a few repair items for things around the place.  In an effort not to micromanage my slightly less mustachian wife, we have a monthly budget we try to stick to.  Around week three I project out the rest of the month and let her know if there is room in the budget for decretionary things she appreciates like lunches out, craft supplies, ect.     

[socaso]

Sounds like you guys are just managing different parts of the budget. We handle all our expenses on credit cards then pay off each month. I get about $20 frivolous money each paycheck. I often have $10 or more that rolls over when the next check comes around. I never would have thought I could be ok with such a small amount but it turns out I've adjusted and don't want that much.

[Kansas Beachbum]

No I get both checks...

This approach works for us.  Although we both have separate checking accounts we consider all money to be "our" money...not my money/her money...it all goes in to one big pot.  We have a reasonably detailed budget that accounts for all bills, groceries, weekend fun money, etc., and a healthy contribution to the FIRE fund (working with take home pay here, post maxed out 401K contributions).  I always leave a bit of a surplus in the budget as unexpected things come up.  Different things work for different couples, but I/We find that treating it all as "our" money eliminates a lot of back and forth and helps us get to our longer term goals more quickly.  Of course, it helps that we are both on the same page when it comes to priorities & goals.

[Cassie]

I think that you have found a great solution that works for the both of you!   Just keep up the good work.