She has help all the time. I am here helping her all the time. I had 3 weeks paternity leave after the birth, and my office shuts down for the week of xmas so I've been off all week and I'm not going back to work until Jan 2nd. I also had 2.5 days off for Thanksgiving. Her mother comes over at least 1 day per week (like all day, and has spent the night 4-5 times since the birth). She also has a good friend that is a nurse and was her doula who comes over about once a week to help. Plus some other family and friends that come over to help.
Even with all that help it is stressful. And even when it's not stressful because of the help, it quickly becomes stressful once the help leaves and we (or she) is on our own again. It only take a few hours of shitty diapers and a screeching baby before you are stressed out.
I don't now how any of you were able to take such a young baby on a vacation. How do you actually get anywhere when they are cluster feeding, sometimes only an hour apart for 4-5 feedings in a row, and constantly shitting themselves? When she's taking care of him by herself she can't even get enough time to get a shower in.
It is not harmful to take 10 minutes to yourself to shower. If your kid only naps for 25 minutes, you go immediately. If the baby wakes up, they fuss til you come back. For me, a shower often meant the difference between feeling human or not.
Babies poop a lot. People talk about babies pooping and fussing a lot. The fussing is definitely on the higher end of the spectrum, but the poop is to be expected.
Your level of stress sounds very high too and I have to wonder whether you are effective in giving your wife an actual break. With you working and coming home to immediately help out, are you also giving yourself the breaks you need?
A previous poster has given you some good advice about breastfed babies and the fat content of milk. I would recommend your wife read up on that, and see if any changes need to be made. With his level of unhappiness, it's also worth her reading up about the big triggers of infant discomfort in mom's diet (broccoli, garlic, onions, dairy etc).
It's also worth noting that breast milk is very easily digested within 45 minutes. So it's completely expected and normal for a breastfed baby to be hungry every hour. A lot of the advice you may have heard comes from parents of formula fed babies and their lives are very different. Formula takes about 3 hours to digest and people have a much easier time sleep training and meal training their infant. Please do not do this to a breastfed baby. If your wife is choosing to breastfeed, she needs to come to the realization that unfortunately this is the schedule your kid is going to keep until he's a bit older. My kids were like that at first. My oldest in particular had a bewitching hour from about 7 - 10 pm. I would go to bed at 8 pm, leave the baby with my husband and he would basically rock the baby, hold a paci in his mouth, and watch tv or play the Wii one handed (lots of bowling) until the bewitching hours passed. I'd nurse him and DH wouldn't bother me unless it was clear the baby was starving and it wasn'tt just crazy time. Having that time where I could sleep uninterrupted (no baby monitor!) went a long ways towards me having some sanity.
What are you doing at night btw? With a high needs baby it's much easier to have him sleep near or with you and just do diaper changes right then and there. If she isn't nursing laying down she should really consider it.
If your MIL is coming over, you both should leave the house. Going to target by yourselves, sharing a coffee and maybe buying 1 item will also do wonders for your mental health.