This is a tough position. I remember clearly that those first years were tough; I also remember when the second one turned two, things got easier. Things I recommend:
- Try very hard not to take it personally. She's reacting to the situation, not to you.
- She won't talk about babysitters ... would she consider a mother's helper? That's a person -- usually someone young, perhaps a teenager after school -- who'd come in to "help" ... but Mom is still at home. This person would play with the baby, perhaps take a stroll through the neighborhood, or sit and play blocks or read in the bedroom ... which allows Mom to take a shower or a nap, or start dinner, or whatever ... yet Mom can feel secure in knowing that if anything bad should happen, she's only steps away. OR, the mother's helper could start dinner or run a load of laundry. If you have the right person, this could work well, and you don't pay a mother's helper as much as you would pay a babysitter.
- You're traveling a fair amount. I wonder if those days/weeks are the real source of the issue. When our kids were small, my husband and I had a routine that worked well ... except when he went out of town. On those days, those days when I did double-duty, I was always extremely tired and cranky, and often the (unfair) idea came into my head: He's sleeping in a clean, quiet hotel room ... he went out to dinner ... he's not staying awake another 20 minutes for the washer to end so he can transfer things to the dryer ... I know he had time to work out and then sat and watched TV. Perhaps the above-mentioned mother's helper could come just on the days you're traveling?
- Sounds like chores are taking up too much of your time. How could you cut down that drudgery? Hire someone to come in once a week to do the heavy stuff (clean the bathrooms, wash the bedsheets)? Move to a smaller place with less work? Keeping up with the housework was the #2 issue for me when my kids were small (#1 being those bad days when my husband traveled).
- Perhaps she should go back to work. I know, I know, you're thinking "How could she handle more?" But I know that I did better when my kids were small because I worked. That time away gave me a break from the constant demands of the baby; oh, my life was still very busy, but it was a different kind of busy. I handled the balance well, and -- given the same set of circumstances -- I'd do the same thing again.
- Several people have suggested that you not consider a second child ... ever. Put that entire thought process on the back burner. Just because things are rough now doesn't mean things have to be rough six months from now, nor does it mean things would be rough with a second child. You don't need to make this decision now, and if you do discuss NO MORE, it might actually make things worse. Wait and see. You're in a crisis, and you don't make long-term decisions during a crisis.
- I agree that your wife may have some depression or post-partum issues going on. The thing about not trusting anyone is a really big red flag. I also agree that exercise can help with this type of thing. How to make that a priority?
- I also agree that she could benefit by getting out of the house and into some type of a mom's group ... but some of those are rather negative; you have to be careful that she doesn't get into one of those groups that's all about trashing working moms and bragging over who reads to the baby the most /has the smartest or cutest baby. That type of situation could make things worse.