What is your most petty reason for seeking FIRE?

[johndoe]

Director of Engineering in the row in front of me, clipping his nails...It was a room full of national leaders having a rather heated discussion

I am no fan of nail-clipping on the clock, but I also "speak engineer".  Is it possible this was his way of showing the conversation was a waste of time, or going the wrong way?

Also, the reason I hate it is not "it's disgusting"...think how many things in public involve at least this many germs (of course maybe that all changes post-covid).  The reason I hate it is that people think it's perfectly acceptable to do it on company time.  Doing it routinely is an audible middle finger to those of us working hard.  Just my opinion, probably in the vast minority.

[Metalcat]

Director of Engineering in the row in front of me, clipping his nails...It was a room full of national leaders having a rather heated discussion

I am no fan of nail-clipping on the clock, but I also "speak engineer".  Is it possible this was his way of showing the conversation was a waste of time, or going the wrong way?

Also, the reason I hate it is not "it's disgusting"...think how many things in public involve at least this many germs (of course maybe that all changes post-covid).  The reason I hate it is that people think it's perfectly acceptable to do it on company time.  Doing it routinely is an audible middle finger to those of us working hard.  Just my opinion, probably in the vast minority.

??? I frequently do mindless stuff like that while I'm working, it doesn't in any way take away from my productivity. I often have to find busy-work tasks to do while on work-type calls because I can't focus sitting still and doing nothing.
Unless the person has an assembly line job where their hands need to be working every minute they're being paid, then taking a minute here and there for a mindless task can actually be beneficial to productivity. So I don't understand this notion of wasting company time. For anyone whose job requires any degree of thinking or information processing, it's not necessarily wasting any time.

That's part of why I can't work traditional office jobs, I could never stand the policing of my time and behaviour. I get my shit done and I do it efficiently and effectively and everyone, including my bosses, can fuck off with their assumptions as to how my time should be spent, lol. But that's why I never worked an office job ;)

[mwulff]

I've been thinking about my reason and I've concluded : "Cause fuck'em, that's why..."

That being said I've seen so many people die only a few months into retirement. If that happened to me then I would be rather bitter about having spent so much of my life in an office, so FIRE it is.

BTW. For the lols if you are at a high school reunion and there is the usual "round of what people are doing these days" I can highly recommend saying "I'm winding down my career over the next 4-5 years and then I'm retiring since I've made enough money to last a lifetime"... The reaction is priceless.

[Plina]

The sound of someone clipping their nails (in public) is so repulsive. I once found a neat little pile of fingernail clippings on the table of some casual food dining place. So sick. WTH are people thinking?????

Do you react the same to all those hairs and dead cells people constantly lose everywhere? At least nails you see and they are compact enough to move them away easily, not like the rest.

Have you actually experienced cleaning up a pile of nail clippings from a complete stranger?

And the nail clipping is done intentionally. You can't call someone rude for accidentally shedding a hair or some skin cells.

I ate breakfast in a coffee shop and the man in the table next to me clipped his nails. I honestly don’t understand why they can’t do it at home.

[MudPuppy]

When it’s cold in the morning I want to just not get out of bed until I’m ready to

[LennStar]

Director of Engineering in the row in front of me, clipping his nails...It was a room full of national leaders having a rather heated discussion

I am no fan of nail-clipping on the clock, but I also "speak engineer".  Is it possible this was his way of showing the conversation was a waste of time, or going the wrong way?

Also, the reason I hate it is not "it's disgusting"...think how many things in public involve at least this many germs (of course maybe that all changes post-covid).  The reason I hate it is that people think it's perfectly acceptable to do it on company time.  Doing it routinely is an audible middle finger to those of us working hard.  Just my opinion, probably in the vast minority.

??? I frequently do mindless stuff like that while I'm working, it doesn't in any way take away from my productivity. I often have to find busy-work tasks to do while on work-type calls because I can't focus sitting still and doing nothing.
Unless the person has an assembly line job where their hands need to be working every minute they're being paid, then taking a minute here and there for a mindless task can actually be beneficial to productivity.

Yeah, look up the pomodoro technique.
Way too strict for me, but there are a lot of people claiming it has increased their productivity by 2 or even 3 times though they actually put in less "work time" with it.

And don't even look at creative people. There are lots of people saying they "wrote" their first book sitting in the train/bus on route to work, and just typed it down at home.
Only if your mind is open it can catch the ideas flying around ;)

[MrTurtle]

I'm not going through 17 pages to see if it's been posted already, but my MOST petty reason would be wagie memes.  Look how smug that frog is.  I want to be that frog.

https://i.redd.it/hxozeyv9unp21.jpg

[Evgenia]

I never wanted to have another job interview.

[Plina]

Disorganized clients and bosses. If you have both, sigh.

[GreenToTheCore]

"Leaders" who implement changes without understanding how the users actually interact with the process. At least try to reach out for feedback before you impact 100s of people. When the top level reviewers react with "they changed what?!" then you know there was a communication gap.

[Model96]

I always suspected I was lazy.....

[Aegishjalmur]

"Leaders" who implement changes without understanding how the users actually interact with the process. At least try to reach out for feedback before you impact 100s of people. When the top level reviewers react with "they changed what?!" then you know there was a communication gap.

This was standard at my work. They rolled out system updated roughly every quarter. We knew, without a doubt that this meant two to three days of trying to find work around for the things their 'fixes' broke. Sometimes they got fixed, sometimes they didn't..... ever.....

[Blindsquirrel]

tbh, I really like getting high with my cats. That is pretty petty but I pet pretty cats so it kinda evens out.

[markbike528CBX]

tbh, I really like getting high with my cats. That is pretty petty but I pet pretty cats so it kinda evens out.

My cats don't get high, so I have to do it myself and hope they get a contact buzz.
Edit: DW reminded me that sometimes we give the cats catnip simultaneously with us getting high. So I guess the above is incorrect.

[Blindsquirrel]

 Yes, my cats get the catnip and a session with Da Bird, which is the best cat toy ever made.  Everybody is happy and it beats working by a tremendous amount.  It is good to find a fellow man of culture and refinement in the wild but MMM forums is a really good place to find them. :)
 

[hounton]

To never have to grade a pile of lab reports.

[Zhiantara]

Having a stash means that in the future I can refuse to participate in ridiculous team-building-day activities. I don't mind doing something I don't like, as long as it is genuinely team building. Going shopping at Costco doesn't qualify, and we've been there 2 years in a row already.

Heading into 2020 I was preparing for a showdown. I could see the conversation in my head - the managers laughing about how going to Costco is now our tradition, me saying I'd rather not, the managers saying that I need to be more of a team player, me calmly replying that if they actually asked the team about it they'd know no-one wants to go to a glorified supermarket, and that if it remained on the itinerary I would not be attending as I would prefer to work instead, them saying they would take it to higher management, me saying thats fine as I'm sure they'll agree with me that whatever we do should actually build relationships, them realising that I'm right and higher management will side with me... (probably. maybe. that's where the stash comes in)

The 2020 team-building day was cancelled long before we got to the planning meeting. I had been looking forward to seeing the look in their eyes when they realised I'd won. Stupid pandemic.

[Metalcat]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

[LennStar]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

[Monocle Money Mouth]

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

This is the type of language my company's upper management has been using more frequently over the last couple of years. Not to the comical extreme of LennStar's example, but not too far off.

Part of the reason I want to retire early is so I never have to hear another sentence composed of corporate gibberish delivered with a straight face by some clown that has no idea what he is doing.

[Metalcat]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

I'm just so confused. Like, do they take everyone to Costco and each staff member just kind of walks around and looks at Costco crap and tries samples? Or are staff doing their own grocery shopping? Or does everyone get a voucher for a giant tub of mayo, and corporate expects staff members to leave Costco beaming with company pride? Or is it a Costco scavenger hunt???

I seriously need to know.

[Just Joe]

"Leaders" who implement changes without understanding how the users actually interact with the process. At least try to reach out for feedback before you impact 100s of people. When the top level reviewers react with "they changed what?!" then you know there was a communication gap.

This was standard at my work. They rolled out system updated roughly every quarter. We knew, without a doubt that this meant two to three days of trying to find work around for the things their 'fixes' broke. Sometimes they got fixed, sometimes they didn't..... ever.....

That's tomorrow's meeting. Its gonna suck. On the flip side my paychecks will continue. While my coworkers complain and cuss about this, I figure there is a fair chance that when productivity goes into the toilet, some months into the future, things will just return to what has been proven to work. Meanwhile I plan to be as useful as ever to this next manager.

[Dreamer40]

My most-petty reason to FIRE: my work-issued iphone doesn't unlock properly with a thumbprint no matter how many fingerprints I save to it. They have the settings fixed so it's super duper fussy. And there's no handy 4-digit unlock code either. So every time I want to check my email (if I'm not logged in to my virtual desktop, which is also a huge pain to get connected), I have to type in a long password with upper and lower case letters, numbers, and special characters. There is no way to check work email on personal devices.

[markbike528CBX]

My most-petty reason to FIRE: my work-issued iphone doesn't unlock properly with a thumbprint no matter how many fingerprints I save to it. They have the settings fixed so it's super duper fussy. And there's no handy 4-digit unlock code either. So every time I want to check my email (if I'm not logged in to my virtual desktop, which is also a huge pain to get connected), I have to type in a long password with upper and lower case letters, numbers, and special characters. There is no way to check work email on personal devices.

Sorry, not petty enough for this thread /s :-)
Nope, total rage and it didn't even happen to me.

[Model96]

Having a stash means that in the future I can refuse to participate in ridiculous team-building-day activities. I don't mind doing something I don't like, as long as it is genuinely team building. Going shopping at Costco doesn't qualify, and we've been there 2 years in a row already.

Heading into 2020 I was preparing for a showdown. I could see the conversation in my head - the managers laughing about how going to Costco is now our tradition, me saying I'd rather not, the managers saying that I need to be more of a team player, me calmly replying that if they actually asked the team about it they'd know no-one wants to go to a glorified supermarket, and that if it remained on the itinerary I would not be attending as I would prefer to work instead, them saying they would take it to higher management, me saying thats fine as I'm sure they'll agree with me that whatever we do should actually build relationships, them realising that I'm right and higher management will side with me... (probably. maybe. that's where the stash comes in)

The 2020 team-building day was cancelled long before we got to the planning meeting. I had been looking forward to seeing the look in their eyes when they realised I'd won. Stupid pandemic.

You have reminded me of a couple of instances at work that brought me into conflict with 'managers' that were never 'leaders'!
Fact is, if management can get you to perform like a monkey on a leash for the flippant sake of their idea of 'team building', they will know you will do anything unethical, immoral or just plain wrong they ask of you when your job is put on the line.....

[Zhiantara]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

I'm just so confused. Like, do they take everyone to Costco and each staff member just kind of walks around and looks at Costco crap and tries samples? Or are staff doing their own grocery shopping? Or does everyone get a voucher for a giant tub of mayo, and corporate expects staff members to leave Costco beaming with company pride? Or is it a Costco scavenger hunt???

I seriously need to know.

This is organised at the team level, and there are only six of us. The managers are one person officially in charge and one person who has been around long enough to be unofficially in charge. We put together the itinerary and then send it up the chain to be approved. So our day would look something like 10am Costco, 12pm lunch, 1:30 mini-golf. Costco gets approved because it's free. It goes on the list because they think the giant american sizes are both hilarious and awesome, and also the fact they sell coffins.

A Costco scavenger hunt I could probably tolerate. But no, we wander around for 60-90 minutes, and one or two people do their grocery shopping. I did talk someone out of buying 8kg of mince beef as it was a stinking hot day and it would have to sit in the car for 6+ hours, coz, you know, they annoy me but I don't want them to die...

I found out today that my direct manager has been singing my praises to higher managers and Outcome Monitoring, and they actually are a genuinely nice person, so now I feel bad about my petty desire to crush their soul...

[LennStar]

and also the fact they sell coffins.

Really? Also in Bulk? Like "buy 5 now for the price of 3, because you never known when your whole sister's family will die in an car accident"?

I found out today that my direct manager has been singing my praises to higher managers and Outcome Monitoring, and they actually are a genuinely nice person, so now I feel bad about my petty desire to crush their soul...

Isn't it strange that we find people who praise us to be good people, and those who don't to be bad, instead of thinking if the difference might be in us?

That person also has good opinions. He always agrees with me.

[Metalcat]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

I'm just so confused. Like, do they take everyone to Costco and each staff member just kind of walks around and looks at Costco crap and tries samples? Or are staff doing their own grocery shopping? Or does everyone get a voucher for a giant tub of mayo, and corporate expects staff members to leave Costco beaming with company pride? Or is it a Costco scavenger hunt???

I seriously need to know.

This is organised at the team level, and there are only six of us. The managers are one person officially in charge and one person who has been around long enough to be unofficially in charge. We put together the itinerary and then send it up the chain to be approved. So our day would look something like 10am Costco, 12pm lunch, 1:30 mini-golf. Costco gets approved because it's free. It goes on the list because they think the giant american sizes are both hilarious and awesome, and also the fact they sell coffins.

A Costco scavenger hunt I could probably tolerate. But no, we wander around for 60-90 minutes, and one or two people do their grocery shopping. I did talk someone out of buying 8kg of mince beef as it was a stinking hot day and it would have to sit in the car for 6+ hours, coz, you know, they annoy me but I don't want them to die...

I found out today that my direct manager has been singing my praises to higher managers and Outcome Monitoring, and they actually are a genuinely nice person, so now I feel bad about my petty desire to crush their soul...

So 6 of you just...go to Costco...

Wow. That is dreadful.

[AlanStache]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

I'm just so confused. Like, do they take everyone to Costco and each staff member just kind of walks around and looks at Costco crap and tries samples? Or are staff doing their own grocery shopping? Or does everyone get a voucher for a giant tub of mayo, and corporate expects staff members to leave Costco beaming with company pride? Or is it a Costco scavenger hunt???

I seriously need to know.

This is organised at the team level, and there are only six of us. The managers are one person officially in charge and one person who has been around long enough to be unofficially in charge. We put together the itinerary and then send it up the chain to be approved. So our day would look something like 10am Costco, 12pm lunch, 1:30 mini-golf. Costco gets approved because it's free. It goes on the list because they think the giant american sizes are both hilarious and awesome, and also the fact they sell coffins.

A Costco scavenger hunt I could probably tolerate. But no, we wander around for 60-90 minutes, and one or two people do their grocery shopping. I did talk someone out of buying 8kg of mince beef as it was a stinking hot day and it would have to sit in the car for 6+ hours, coz, you know, they annoy me but I don't want them to die...

I found out today that my direct manager has been singing my praises to higher managers and Outcome Monitoring, and they actually are a genuinely nice person, so now I feel bad about my petty desire to crush their soul...

See if you can negotiate lunch at Costco, management might go for 1$ pizza.  /sarcasm.

[Dreamer40]

My most-petty reason to FIRE: my work-issued iphone doesn't unlock properly with a thumbprint no matter how many fingerprints I save to it. They have the settings fixed so it's super duper fussy. And there's no handy 4-digit unlock code either. So every time I want to check my email (if I'm not logged in to my virtual desktop, which is also a huge pain to get connected), I have to type in a long password with upper and lower case letters, numbers, and special characters. There is no way to check work email on personal devices.

Sorry, not petty enough for this thread /s :-)
Nope, total rage and it didn't even happen to me.

lol. thank you. It's so minor in the grand scheme of all the massive tech failures in my office that I don't think I've even mentioned this to anyone else. It's better than the non-functioning Samsung I had previously and better still than the Blackberry before that. Many people in the office still refer to their work device as a "Blackberry" because it wasn't that long ago that we really were using Blackberries.

The Costco trip stuff is super weird.

[Aelias]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively heightened synergized resource acquisition.

My most petty reason for FIRE is . . . I think I actually understand this.  ::shudder::

[Plina]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

I'm just so confused. Like, do they take everyone to Costco and each staff member just kind of walks around and looks at Costco crap and tries samples? Or are staff doing their own grocery shopping? Or does everyone get a voucher for a giant tub of mayo, and corporate expects staff members to leave Costco beaming with company pride? Or is it a Costco scavenger hunt???

I seriously need to know.

This is organised at the team level, and there are only six of us. The managers are one person officially in charge and one person who has been around long enough to be unofficially in charge. We put together the itinerary and then send it up the chain to be approved. So our day would look something like 10am Costco, 12pm lunch, 1:30 mini-golf. Costco gets approved because it's free. It goes on the list because they think the giant american sizes are both hilarious and awesome, and also the fact they sell coffins.

A Costco scavenger hunt I could probably tolerate. But no, we wander around for 60-90 minutes, and one or two people do their grocery shopping. I did talk someone out of buying 8kg of mince beef as it was a stinking hot day and it would have to sit in the car for 6+ hours, coz, you know, they annoy me but I don't want them to die...

I found out today that my direct manager has been singing my praises to higher managers and Outcome Monitoring, and they actually are a genuinely nice person, so now I feel bad about my petty desire to crush their soul...

So 6 of you just...go to Costco...

Wow. That is dreadful.

I find it interesting that you can shop a coffin for grandpa while buying milk. Do you put it in the back of your trucks and deliver it to the funeral parlor? Or how does it work? Please enlighten me.

You have to feel like a really valued employee to get a free trip to costco.

[zolotiyeruki]

My most-petty reason to FIRE: my work-issued iphone doesn't unlock properly with a thumbprint no matter how many fingerprints I save to it. They have the settings fixed so it's super duper fussy. And there's no handy 4-digit unlock code either. So every time I want to check my email (if I'm not logged in to my virtual desktop, which is also a huge pain to get connected), I have to type in a long password with upper and lower case letters, numbers, and special characters. There is no way to check work email on personal devices.

Sorry, not petty enough for this thread /s :-)
Nope, total rage and it didn't even happen to me.

About ten years ago, I quit my job at MegaCorp and went to a startup. The IT policy at MegaCorp was awful. Our email system limited us to 100mb of storage, and the officially sanctioned methods of sharing files (Lotus Notes) was very difficult to use. The engineers, who needed to exchange lots of drawings, resorted to using USB drives. That is, until some time after I left, when the IT department disabled that functionality. In 2011 when I left they were just starting to roll out Windows 7. You could only use Internet Explorer 6. I ran PortableFirefox off a USB drive until they started blacklisting executable filenames. And they had this awful Office Athlete software that interrupted you every 15 minutes...until I took out the hard drive, plugged it into another computer, and disabled it.

I discovered that because of all the extra layers of security and remote maintenance, it took my laptop six and a half minutes to boot. If, however, you were connected to the network, it took over ten.

[Metalcat]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

I'm just so confused. Like, do they take everyone to Costco and each staff member just kind of walks around and looks at Costco crap and tries samples? Or are staff doing their own grocery shopping? Or does everyone get a voucher for a giant tub of mayo, and corporate expects staff members to leave Costco beaming with company pride? Or is it a Costco scavenger hunt???

I seriously need to know.

This is organised at the team level, and there are only six of us. The managers are one person officially in charge and one person who has been around long enough to be unofficially in charge. We put together the itinerary and then send it up the chain to be approved. So our day would look something like 10am Costco, 12pm lunch, 1:30 mini-golf. Costco gets approved because it's free. It goes on the list because they think the giant american sizes are both hilarious and awesome, and also the fact they sell coffins.

A Costco scavenger hunt I could probably tolerate. But no, we wander around for 60-90 minutes, and one or two people do their grocery shopping. I did talk someone out of buying 8kg of mince beef as it was a stinking hot day and it would have to sit in the car for 6+ hours, coz, you know, they annoy me but I don't want them to die...

I found out today that my direct manager has been singing my praises to higher managers and Outcome Monitoring, and they actually are a genuinely nice person, so now I feel bad about my petty desire to crush their soul...

So 6 of you just...go to Costco...

Wow. That is dreadful.

I find it interesting that you can shop a coffin for grandpa while buying milk. Do you put it in the back of your trucks and deliver it to the funeral parlor? Or how does it work? Please enlighten me.

You have to feel like a really valued employee to get a free trip to costco.

You can also plan a vacation, get home insulation, buy an engagement ring, get a new cell phone, a designer purse, prescription glasses, a bed, a toilet, large appliances, car tires, an exercise bike, a gazebo, a box set of The Sopranos, ski passes, and a whole new wardrobe.

FWIW, my Costco doesn't have caskets in store, and I've never checked online.

[LennStar]

Wait...what?

Your company took its staff to Costco as a team building activity? What were the staff supposed to do there? I don't understand...

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively heightened synergized resource acquisition.

My most petty reason for FIRE is . . . I think I actually understand this.  ::shudder::

What I meant was: Using an app to compare prices and getting fired up on the way that you can buy in bulk and share.

Got it right?

[Plina]

Watching you lawyer boss saying that she is an artist and need artistic freedom in billing. To be able to take fun cases were she can’t bill the customer everything. This was after presented with the numbers that showed that neither she or the other lawyers were billing the numbers she thought they should and she planned to use in the new salary policy.  I was basically the only one having a change to reach it because I am not artistic or in other words work for free. IT was decided that I make another deep five in to the numbers to analyze a bit were the problem is. It is pretty obvious. I am looking forward to see if she presents the salary policy tomorrow at our conference.

Combine that with some time later how it is nice to brag about the Nice after works for people you are planning to hire. I kept my mouth shut that I would prefer to skip after works. Work is work, my private life is my private life and an after work with colleagues is work.

[Sydney9]

To never have to attend awful professional development ever again. Oh, and also to avoid mindless office small talk.

[zolotiyeruki]

No more having to sign birthday cards for people I haven't even met, or barely know. Our get a birthday cards signed by people I barely know or have barely met.

[Plina]

No more having to sign birthday cards for people I haven't even met, or barely know. Our get a birthday cards signed by people I barely know or have barely met.

I don’t mind signing but when you are supposed to pay for birthday gifts and gift to babies to colleagues you haven’t met or almost never meet, it is a different story.

[Dicey]

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

This is the type of language my company's upper management has been using more frequently over the last couple of years. Not to the comical extreme of LennStar's example, but not too far off.

Part of the reason I want to retire early is so I never have to hear another sentence composed of corporate gibberish delivered with a straight face by some clown that has no idea what he is doing.

That is a totally worthwhile goal. I can assure you the satisfaction is long lasting.

[ducky19]

Consensus meetings and performance reviews. I was a manager until recently and had to sit through quarterly consensus meetings to rank people in our organization (~90 people). These were extremely tedious, lasted HOURS, and could be contentious as everyone fought for the members on their team to have a better ranking. Ratings had to meet a distribution, which meant that it didn't matter how well someone performed at their core job, if they didn't have "extras" that helped to bump them up in the rankings, they would just get a mediocre rating. I had 14 people on my team, and it sucked having to tell someone who was a rock star that they were just average because they didn't do X,Y, or Z. Then I would have to sit through my own performance review, and hear the same spiel from my boss.

Now that I am no longer a manager, I still just don't want to ever have to sit through another performance review. My new manager just put a meeting on my calendar last night to go through my 2020 performance and I could feel my blood pressure rise.

[markbike528CBX]

Optimizing blockchain based distributed information gathering techniques and proactively highened synergized resource aquisition.

This is the type of language my company's upper management has been using more frequently over the last couple of years. Not to the comical extreme of LennStar's example, but not too far off.

Part of the reason I want to retire early is so I never have to hear another sentence composed of corporate gibberish delivered with a straight face by some clown that has no idea what he is doing.

That is a totally worthwhile goal. I can assure you the satisfaction is long lasting.

And if you ever forget how bad it was, try: https://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html 
That should stop cold any nostalgia you might have had for your former job.

[ixtap]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

[markbike528CBX]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

Be careful. I managed to get my wife to use 3-way communications before I retired.

3-way communication   

Statement by person A
Repeat of same statement by person B
Person A confirms that person B got it right.

http://freefall.purrsia.com/ff3600/fc03554.htm    Edit to add freefall

[ixtap]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

Be careful. I managed to get my wife to use 3-way communications before I retired.

3-way communication   

Statement by person A
Repeat of same statement by person B
Person A confirms that person B got it right.

Well, we sometimes use something similar for safety on the boat. It is the only way to make sure he has listened to what I said, rather than just acknowledging that I made sounds while his brain was spinning at full tilt.

[markbike528CBX]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

Be careful. I managed to get my wife to use 3-way communications before I retired.

3-way communication   

Statement by person A
Repeat of same statement by person B
Person A confirms that person B got it right.

http://freefall.purrsia.com/ff3600/fc03554.htm

Well, we sometimes use something similar for safety on the boat. It is the only way to make sure he has listened to what I said, rather than just acknowledging that I made sounds while his brain was spinning at full tilt.

You have paraphrased my statement correctly :-).
The freefall comic link also notes that it provides bystanders a clue about what operation is ongoing.

[zolotiyeruki]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

Be careful. I managed to get my wife to use 3-way communications before I retired.
...

There's a real term for that:  The Two Generals Problem (youtube video)

[AlanStache]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

Be careful. I managed to get my wife to use 3-way communications before I retired.
...

There's a real term for that:  The Two Generals Problem (youtube video)

I was hoping that link would take me to a video of a brit in a red shirt.

[simmias]

To never have to hear and react to the chime of an incoming work email.

[zolotiyeruki]

My husband is starting to use corporate speak.

Be careful. I managed to get my wife to use 3-way communications before I retired.
...

There's a real term for that:  The Two Generals Problem (youtube video)

I was hoping that link would take me to a video of a brit in a red shirt.

I see you have good taste in youtube channels!