Wedding registry: how to receive money not stuff

[bacchi]

Wait, so "no gifts please," means that you should give cash? Oops. I thought that meant don't give anything.

Yeah, there's some hand-waving going on here. "No gifts" really means "cash is preferred" but we're going to pretend that it's only about sharing the moment with you, our family and friends.

I've had people jump on me in the past for this, but I stand by my opinion that you should never not give a gift to a wedding you attend. It's rude. My only caveat is that I consider a card with a nice note on it a gift. But to not even take the time to write something kind on a piece of cardstock? For shame.

Given that what is said is not what is meant (see this entire thread), maybe no gift (in the truest sense) can be excused. Imagine giving (only!) a card with some thoughtful words and the couple saying disdainfully, "Look, justajane is too cheap to even give a $50."

As a caveman lawyer, I don't understand these modern customs. If I read "No gifts; your attendance is enough," I accept that as fact.

[charis]

Actually, it is poor etiquette to make ANY mention of gifts, in any way, on an invitation.  Don't do it - not even to say "no gifts please." 

If you want to quietly encourage cash gifts, make up a small registry of stuff you actually need or want (not stuff you are planning to return for cash) - even a couple who has been living together can probably use some new towels or sheets and a nice new pan or two - and mention it only when someone asks where you are registered.

[justajane]

As a society, IMO we've moved beyond the idea that saying "no gifts" is tacky. The reason for this rule originally was that it's assuming you would give a gift in the first place, which was considered tacky. Well, guess what. We all know you're supposed to bring a gift to a wedding or a kid's birthday party. The only way to let people off the hook is to explicitly say "No gifts." I guess older aunts or grannies will still find it rude, but most younger folk breath a sigh of relief and enjoy the party even more.

But, yeah, explicitly asking for money -- still tacky, IMO. I don't think that has changed yet.

But "no gifts" or "your presence is your present." Hell, yeah!

I stopped doing it for kids' birthdays, mainly because I realized it made some of the other parents uncomfortable, like they were getting something for free. (Um, yeah, that's the nature of a party). My solution? Stop having birthday parties altogether. A few weeks before our kids' birthdays we have a "Just Because" party instead. No one brings a gift and they also think we're the greatest parents ever for throwing a party for "no" reason. Win-win!

[neo von retorch]

Off Topic: House-warming gifts

When we had our housewarming, we said "No gifts please - just want to see your faces!" Most people listened. Some people brought beverages or food. A few bought gifts like flowers that are nice and don't clutter up our kitchen. We didn't have the party to "get free stuff to fill our empty rooms." We did it because it's a nice excuse to get people to come from (potentially) far away places and let them feel like a part of our lives. Also, for those that had helped us move, it was yet a little bit more free food and drink for them as a thank you!

[Philociraptor]

I'll agree with what several others have said: make no mention of gifts on the invitation, inform your parents and close friends that cash is preferred, only let others know when asked. Most of my relatives asked my parents about a registry and they let them know that we did not register at any department store, that we would prefer cash since we already had a house and plenty of stuff to fill it. My wife's family is Vietnamese and so cash gifts are the norm. When we attend weddings we typically give $100 for friends, $200 for close friends or family, and $500 for brothers/sisters. It's our way of helping the newly-married couple start their lives together off right. The sum total of wedding gifts we received covered nearly all our spending on the wedding itself.

[KickingRocks]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

[pachnik]

 I am an Australian married to a Filipina, and at Filipino weddings in Australia, at the reception, the newly married couple dance - slowly - while guests pin paper money to the wife's wedding dress.

That sounds kinda fun!

I was just thinking the same thing! 

[CNM]

We had our registry at Bed Bath and Beyond.  We could return the gifts for cash.  As in, they opened the till and gave us money out of it.  This was 10 years ago so YMMV.

[mveill1]

There is certain wedding etiquette related to gifts that most people these days just ignore. To me, it's sad and appalling, but oh well! I guess I am a traditionalist in some aspects and I'm okay with that. I will share this traditional etiquette:

1) It's in very poor taste to print the registry info. on the wedding invitation, even though it is commonly done in more recent years. It's in less poor taste to put in on a wedding website, but traditionally, you would find out where someone was registered by asking someone close to the family (if you weren't part of the family), or it was expected that the couple would register at a department store where they live. These days, you can search registries online (Bed, Bath & Beyond, Target, Amazon, etc.) to find out if the couple is registered there. If you don't want to search out a registry, then you give money! :)

2) It's also in poor taste to directly ask for money. Period. No matter how you do this (HoneyFund, PayPal, etc.), it's tacky. You might be fine with being tacky. :)

3) The bride & groom are not sherpas. They should not be tasked with bringing their many gifts from their wedding home with them on their wedding night! Gifts should be MAILED or otherwise delivered either before or after the wedding. Usually couples have to figure out who is going to get all the gifts from their venue to wherever they will be opening them, and it's a hassle. How rude of some guests to expect the bride & groom to do this! Etiquette says to mail your gift. So if you can't mail a physical gift, the most polite thing to do is to bring something very small (in effect, a card with money in it) as your gift, or better yet, MAIL that card with money in it!

I second the recommendation to create a small wedding registry of only items the couple would be happy to have, perhaps on Amazon where many types of items can be had, and this makes it easier for guests to have items delivered (keep in mind the image of bride & groom as sherpas!). Many guests will likely give cash/checks, or more personal gifts (like my godmother who gave us a handmade quilt), as they see fit.

None of those traditions make any sense to me, and it seems I'm in the minority. And what confuses me a bit is that Mustachianism is supposed to be about challenging common and traditional ways of thinking is it not? Though I accept that it's silly to challenge traditions that work well.

For instance, expecting me to find out from word of mouth what people want for gifts, to me THAT is rude. I know I want to give something; why make it unnecessarily hard? In this more connected, modern world friends are farther apart; we may have meet in different countries, or parts of the country, so we may not know the immediate family. Also, these days the mother of the bride may very well have a busy career - do they really want to respond to 200 emails asking for the damn registry address? I can see how this would work if it's a wedding where everyone knows each other, and are from the same town. From the 20 or so wedding I've attended in the last 10 years, I can count 2 or 3 that fit that description.

I'm just a bit shocked by the strength of reaction. It's always such a relief to know what the couple prefers - it's their business what they like. I really prefer to be told. But as it stands I'm planning my own wedding, and now I have to worry about people being offended?

I guess I'll put nothing and create an email address for any and all questions related to the wedding, which I'll manage myself. Actually that'll work.

I'm OK now.
 

[UKMustache]

We put on our invitations that we would prefer to receive no gifts but if people really want to give us something we would accept money towards experiences while honeymooning. 
We then posted appropriate pictures of what we used the money we did receive on, sea kayaking in Capri, 5 course sunset meal at a clifftop restaurant etc with the thank you cards.

I don't care if people think it's tacky or in bad taste the options were clear, no gift or cash.  We had been together nearly a decade and lived together for 6 years before we got married so we had no interest in receiving the traditional wedding gifts.

We're trying to live a life built on doing things over owning stuff; so we would have been contradicting our values to conform to outdated 'etiquette' otherwise.

[mveill1]

We put on our invitations that we would prefer to receive no gifts but if people really want to give us something we would accept money towards experiences while honeymooning. 
We then posted appropriate pictures of what we used the money we did receive on, sea kayaking in Capri, 5 course sunset meal at a clifftop restaurant etc with the thank you cards.

I don't care if people think it's tacky or in bad taste the options were clear, no gift or cash.  We had been together nearly a decade and lived together for 6 years before we got married so we had no interest in receiving the traditional wedding gifts.

We're trying to live a life built on doing things over owning stuff; so we would have been contradicting our values to conform to outdated 'etiquette' otherwise.

...and crucially, people had the option to come or stay home. Once they accepted the invite, then it's YOUR tradition and YOUR etiquette and values that apply. They need to leave their at home. You can't bring your own idea of a wedding to someone else's, unless you're incredibly self-centred or arrogant.

I wouldn't have been offended in your case, and it would have been a pleasure to look through the photos.

[justajane]

I guess I'll put nothing and create an email address for any and all questions related to the wedding, which I'll manage myself. Actually that'll work.

Better yet, create a website. That's what we did. Of course, some people on here consider is still somewhat rude, but I'll take somewhat rude. Apparently people are quick to get offended when it comes to wedding; that's the lesson here. Bringing an actual wrapped gift to a wedding....how gauche and embarrassing! There are certain parts of the country where this is still absolutely fine.

But I hope when you say "no gifts" or cash you don't hold a grudge when someone holds you to your word and doesn't give a gift or cash.

[UKMustache]

But I hope when you say "no gifts" or cash you don't hold a grudge when someone holds you to your word and doesn't give a gift or cash.

Not at all, in fact a couple of people did exactly that and I can't even remember who (and we only got married last year).

[MayDay]

I HATE the hand-waving magic that no gifts means give cash.

You say no gifts, I won't bring one.  I say no gifts (which I do for kids birthdays) I will be pissed at you if you bring one.

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents. 

[MrsDinero]

I HATE the hand-waving magic that no gifts means give cash.

You say no gifts, I won't bring one.  I say no gifts (which I do for kids birthdays) I will be pissed at you if you bring one.

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

Agreed!  Until this thread I thought "no gifts" meant NO GIFTS!

[charis]

I HATE the hand-waving magic that no gifts means give cash.

You say no gifts, I won't bring one.  I say no gifts (which I do for kids birthdays) I will be pissed at you if you bring one.

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

Agreed!  Until this thread I thought "no gifts" meant NO GIFTS!

That is what it should mean.  Another reason not to make any mention gifts on a wedding invitation.   There should be no expectation of gifts - I don't care if this is passe, you shouldn't expect a gift from your guests, period. 

I was a flat broke grad student living on angel hair and fumes when all of my good friends got married and I was expected to buy bridesmaid dresses and shoes to boot.   When I got married several years later, most of my friends and family were part of dual income households and I was shocked at the number of gifts and checks we received, but several guests didn't give a gift (I don't know who because I didn't keep track of that).   It was a little disappointing to not receive a card from my in-laws, but that's how it goes, I guess.   I just wanted people to have fun and wish us well in our marriage.

[iris lily]

I HATE the hand-waving magic that no gifts means give cash.

You say no gifts, I won't bring one.  I say no gifts (which I do for kids birthdays) I will be pissed at you if you bring one.

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

Agreed!  Until this thread I thought "no gifts" meant NO GIFTS!

I will continue to interpret No Gifts as meaning nothing, nada.

[sis]

Yeah I take "no gifts" to mean no gifts.  My older brother put that on his wedding website and I just gave him a card (no cash).  He's relatively wealthy (NW probably in excess of 2 million at that point) so that's what I went with.

We generally give $200 cash to close friends/family.  Cash is definitely the norm in the NYC area.

[Playing with Fire UK]

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

You are entitled to dislike this.

I hate it when there isn't the gift preference on the invite. I want to get the couple something that they want but I'm not psychic and sure as shit not going to hunt around looking for gift registries if they haven't given me a clue.

If I'm inviting people to a wedding and expect them to all be asking the same information, it's more efficient to put that on the piece of paper that I'm sending to everyone rather than expect everyone to send a text and then reply to all said texts.

If people who I've invited to my wedding get offended by the invite that is great news! They probably won't like the wedding either so will do us both a favour by declining.

[iris lily]

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

You are entitled to dislike this.

I hate it when there isn't the gift preference on the invite. I want to get the couple something that they want but I'm not psychic...

Then give money.

If I'm inviting people to a wedding and expect them to all be asking the same information, it's more efficient to put that on the piece of paper that I'm sending to everyone rather than expect everyone to send a text and then reply to all said texts.

See, that's  the problem, it is not about being efficient. You ( the generic you) are holding a social event where personal relationships are paramount. The focus here is on the comfort of your guests.

Barking out directives to your guests to save yourself time is declasse. It doesnt provide a gracious environment for your guests.

Yes, each gifting event from each one of your guests might Call for you to talk to them. That is what you get when you invite many many people to your wedding receptin extravaganzas. I am sorry that it is a pain for you to do that.

Stay ay Home mothers used to manage these wedding events for their daughters and the moms had the social skills and time to field questions about gifts.

All of this said, I thi k it would be wise for WASPs to adopt the culture, of immigrants and just give cash, lots of cash, cash cash cash. Thats is what I give because I have zero interest buying a physical object and I do not care how cheap I may appear with my $50 check.

[Miss Piggy]

Stay at Home mothers used to manage these wedding events for their daughters and had the social skills and time to field questions about gifts.

I think this is key. Times have changed. The younger generation doesn't care about this kind of etiquette because yesterday's rules have no good place in today's reality. In 20 years, nobody will be having this conversation because the die-hard etiquetters (yes, I believe I just made up a word) will no longer be involved in the planning of events.

[iris lily]

Stay at Home mothers used to manage these wedding events for their daughters and had the social skills and time to field questions about gifts.

I think this is key. Times have changed. The younger generation doesn't care about this kind of etiquette because yesterday's rules have no good place in today's reality. In 20 years, nobody will be having this conversation because the die-hard etiquetters (yes, I believe I just made up a word) will no longer be involved in the planning of events.

I thonk you are right, cultural norms change.

[MrsDinero]

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

You are entitled to dislike this.

I hate it when there isn't the gift preference on the invite. I want to get the couple something that they want but I'm not psychic and sure as shit not going to hunt around looking for gift registries if they haven't given me a clue.

If I'm inviting people to a wedding and expect them to all be asking the same information, it's more efficient to put that on the piece of paper that I'm sending to everyone rather than expect everyone to send a text and then reply to all said texts.

If people who I've invited to my wedding get offended by the invite that is great news! They probably won't like the wedding either so will do us both a favour by declining.

You can probably skirt the etiquette issue, by creating a free wedding website at either The Knot or Wedding Wire.  The websites allow you to put wedding details like venue, hotels nearby, things to do, and even registry.  On the invite (or as an insert) you can add a card that directs them keep up-to-date on wedding news at your website.

[Playing with Fire UK]

The focus here is on the comfort of your guests.

Barking out directives to your guests to save yourself time is declasse.

The point I was aiming for is that different guests will have different opinions on what they find most comfortable.

Iris Lily and MayDay think that it is déclassé [great word] to mention gifts on an invite.

PwF thinks it is a courtesy to receive an invite with a link to the registry or saying if the couple would prefer cash/cheques/offers for babysitting, because it makes it easier to gift the couple what they want and prevents waffle irons going to landfill.

If you are inviting Iris Lily, MayDay and PwF to the same wedding, at least one of us is going to feel uncomfortable about the invite.

[Philociraptor]

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

You are entitled to dislike this.

I hate it when there isn't the gift preference on the invite. I want to get the couple something that they want but I'm not psychic and sure as shit not going to hunt around looking for gift registries if they haven't given me a clue.

If I'm inviting people to a wedding and expect them to all be asking the same information, it's more efficient to put that on the piece of paper that I'm sending to everyone rather than expect everyone to send a text and then reply to all said texts.

If people who I've invited to my wedding get offended by the invite that is great news! They probably won't like the wedding either so will do us both a favour by declining.

You can probably skirt the etiquette issue, by creating a free wedding website at either The Knot or Wedding Wire.  The websites allow you to put wedding details like venue, hotels nearby, things to do, and even registry.  On the invite (or as an insert) you can add a card that directs them keep up-to-date on wedding news at your website.

All the info people need should be on the invitation card that is sent. Many people may not be computer-savvy and so a website would be useless for them.

[MrsDinero]

I also hate when people put registry info on invites.  It is not that fucking hard to go to the 3 main websites for registries (Target, BBB, Amazon) and check or send a 2 second text to the bride, groom or one of their parents.

You are entitled to dislike this.

I hate it when there isn't the gift preference on the invite. I want to get the couple something that they want but I'm not psychic and sure as shit not going to hunt around looking for gift registries if they haven't given me a clue.

If I'm inviting people to a wedding and expect them to all be asking the same information, it's more efficient to put that on the piece of paper that I'm sending to everyone rather than expect everyone to send a text and then reply to all said texts.

If people who I've invited to my wedding get offended by the invite that is great news! They probably won't like the wedding either so will do us both a favour by declining.

You can probably skirt the etiquette issue, by creating a free wedding website at either The Knot or Wedding Wire.  The websites allow you to put wedding details like venue, hotels nearby, things to do, and even registry.  On the invite (or as an insert) you can add a card that directs them keep up-to-date on wedding news at your website.

All the info people need should be on the invitation card that is sent. Many people may not be computer-savvy and so a website would be useless for them.

All the other stuff (except registry) can still be included with the invite.  I think a large number of people know how to look up a website or have someone nearby that can help them look it up.  Having a website will reduce the number of people contacting the couple directly to ask about registry items.  Those who do not or cannot lookup a website, can personally (phone/email/in person/letters/semaphore) ask the couple if/where they are registered.  It doesn't solve the problem completely, however it greatly streamlines the process and the number of questions the couple has to answer.

[Philociraptor]

All the other stuff (except registry) can still be included with the invite.  I think a large number of people know how to look up a website or have someone nearby that can help them look it up.  Having a website will reduce the number of people contacting the couple directly to ask about registry items.  Those who do not or cannot lookup a website, can personally (phone/email/in person/letters/semaphore) ask the couple if/where they are registered.  It doesn't solve the problem completely, however it greatly streamlines the process and the number of questions the couple has to answer.

Wouldn't a note about the registry/cash preference on the invitation streamline the process even more though?

[MrsDinero]

All the other stuff (except registry) can still be included with the invite.  I think a large number of people know how to look up a website or have someone nearby that can help them look it up.  Having a website will reduce the number of people contacting the couple directly to ask about registry items.  Those who do not or cannot lookup a website, can personally (phone/email/in person/letters/semaphore) ask the couple if/where they are registered.  It doesn't solve the problem completely, however it greatly streamlines the process and the number of questions the couple has to answer.

Wouldn't a note about the registry/cash preference on the invitation streamline the process even more though?

And the argument goes on and on :)

[Philociraptor]

All the other stuff (except registry) can still be included with the invite.  I think a large number of people know how to look up a website or have someone nearby that can help them look it up.  Having a website will reduce the number of people contacting the couple directly to ask about registry items.  Those who do not or cannot lookup a website, can personally (phone/email/in person/letters/semaphore) ask the couple if/where they are registered.  It doesn't solve the problem completely, however it greatly streamlines the process and the number of questions the couple has to answer.

Wouldn't a note about the registry/cash preference on the invitation streamline the process even more though?

And the argument goes on and on :)

Indeed =D

Etiquette changes over time. I think it's more rude to purposely exclude pertinent information and thus give your GUESTS homework in order to find out what your preferred gift preference would be. Many of our friends getting married recently feel the same way.

[Edubb20]

I might be in the minority here, but I don't think asking for money in lieu of gifts is all that rude/tacky. Well, I mean, it isn't any more rude than expecting gifts and creating a registry. That being said,  the wife and I eloped and didn't accept gifts of any sort (although we still received a couple).

It'd be cool to see more: 

"We will not a have a gift registry for the wedding.   If you would like to gift some money to the Bride and Groom please visit  www.________.com. Although monetary gifts are appreciated, they are in no way expected. All donations will be processed anonymously (the bride and groom will not see who donates)."

[Goldielocks]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

You forgot one.

My mom was mortified when her uncle took her shoe, on the wedding day, and passed it around to have guests fill it for good luck.  This was after many had given wedding presents already.

I had the (not) joy of having a cash bar (cousin's wedding) and the "shots" for "money for the bridal couple", at a backyard barn wedding.   The family and friends had contributed all the set up labour , decorations, and the food, someone was "DJ", etc...   The cost of drinks charged was the same as that at a downtown hotel, and this after we had traveled over 700 miles to be there, AND had given a $200 cash gift and small personal gift.     It definitely felt like a shakedown.  I would have been happier if it had been "bring a bottle to contribute" type of potluck reception.

[MrsDinero]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

You forgot one.

My mom was mortified when her uncle took her shoe, on the wedding day, and passed it around to have guests fill it for good luck.  This was after many had given wedding presents already.

I had the (not) joy of having a cash bar and the "shots" for "money for the bridal couple", at a backyard barn wedding.   The family and friends had contributed all the set up labour , decorations, and the food, someone was "DJ", etc...   The cost of drinks charged was the same as that at a downtown hotel, and this after we had traveled over 700 miles to be there, AND had given a $200 cash gift and small personal gift.     It definitely felt like a shakedown.  I would have been happier if it had been "bring a bottle to contribute" type of potluck reception.

One custom I hate, is the "pay to dance with the bride".  Basically someone sits with a cash box near the dance floor and if you want to dance with the bride you have to pay up.

[sis]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

You forgot one.

My mom was mortified when her uncle took her shoe, on the wedding day, and passed it around to have guests fill it for good luck.  This was after many had given wedding presents already.

I had the (not) joy of having a cash bar and the "shots" for "money for the bridal couple", at a backyard barn wedding.   The family and friends had contributed all the set up labour , decorations, and the food, someone was "DJ", etc...   The cost of drinks charged was the same as that at a downtown hotel, and this after we had traveled over 700 miles to be there, AND had given a $200 cash gift and small personal gift.     It definitely felt like a shakedown.  I would have been happier if it had been "bring a bottle to contribute" type of potluck reception.

One custom I hate, is the "pay to dance with the bride".  Basically someone sits with a cash box near the dance floor and if you want to dance with the bride you have to pay up.

I have never seen this.  Where are you located?  Is this common where you live?

[rubybeth]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

You forgot one.

My mom was mortified when her uncle took her shoe, on the wedding day, and passed it around to have guests fill it for good luck.  This was after many had given wedding presents already.

I had the (not) joy of having a cash bar and the "shots" for "money for the bridal couple", at a backyard barn wedding.   The family and friends had contributed all the set up labour , decorations, and the food, someone was "DJ", etc...   The cost of drinks charged was the same as that at a downtown hotel, and this after we had traveled over 700 miles to be there, AND had given a $200 cash gift and small personal gift.     It definitely felt like a shakedown.  I would have been happier if it had been "bring a bottle to contribute" type of potluck reception.

One custom I hate, is the "pay to dance with the bride".  Basically someone sits with a cash box near the dance floor and if you want to dance with the bride you have to pay up.

I have never seen this.  Where are you located?  Is this common where you live?

It might be midwestern US custom to have a "dollar dance." It's entirely optional, and only lasts for a few songs, generally. If you want to dance with the bride or groom at any other point, just cut in! :)

[sis]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

You forgot one.

My mom was mortified when her uncle took her shoe, on the wedding day, and passed it around to have guests fill it for good luck.  This was after many had given wedding presents already.

I had the (not) joy of having a cash bar and the "shots" for "money for the bridal couple", at a backyard barn wedding.   The family and friends had contributed all the set up labour , decorations, and the food, someone was "DJ", etc...   The cost of drinks charged was the same as that at a downtown hotel, and this after we had traveled over 700 miles to be there, AND had given a $200 cash gift and small personal gift.     It definitely felt like a shakedown.  I would have been happier if it had been "bring a bottle to contribute" type of potluck reception.

One custom I hate, is the "pay to dance with the bride".  Basically someone sits with a cash box near the dance floor and if you want to dance with the bride you have to pay up.

I have never seen this.  Where are you located?  Is this common where you live?

It might be midwestern US custom to have a "dollar dance." It's entirely optional, and only lasts for a few songs, generally. If you want to dance with the bride or groom at any other point, just cut in! :)

Fascinating.  I googled it afterwards.  In the 20 or 30 weddings I've been to I've never seen one.  I live in NYC.

[RangerOne]

Technically there should be nothing tacky about simply asking people who want to give a gift to bring cash. It really isn't much different from telling people to buy only from a preset list of stuff you need. Some cultures like Russian and Chinese simply do cash as a rule.

Cash and checks are nice because it lets people give you a nice card with it so they don't show up to the wedding empty handed. Russian weddings just have a gift collection box, instead of a table, witch a slot only big enough for cards. Most guest, even if they don't read, will ask if you have a registry. At that point you can also say you prefer a cash gift.

[neo von retorch]

It might be midwestern US custom to have a "dollar dance." It's entirely optional, and only lasts for a few songs, generally. If you want to dance with the bride or groom at any other point, just cut in! :)

Fascinating.  I googled it afterwards.  In the 20 or 30 weddings I've been to I've never seen one.  I live in NYC.

FYI, in Central PA, I've been to several weddings with a dollar dance.

[iris lily]

I was under the i pression that the dollar dance is a. yC ethnic sort of thing. Hmm, maybe not.

[Chris22]

My responsibility is to send a gift, show up on time and not get drunk at the reception.

Whoa, slow down.  Maybe it's just my Irish roots, but unless I'm specifically driving, my job is to send a gift or bring a check, show up on time, and not get SLOPPY at the wedding, but it's rude not to be at least a little drunk!

[sis]

I was under the i pression that the dollar dance is a. yC ethnic sort of thing. Hmm, maybe not.

Which ethnicities?

I guess most of the weddings I have been to are for white or Asian people.

[iris lily]

I was under the i pression that the dollar dance is a. yC ethnic sort of thing. Hmm, maybe not.

Which ethnicities?

I guess most of the weddings I have been to are for white or Asian people.

i was thinking Italian. Hey, i could be wrong.

[KickingRocks]

When we got married 8 years ago my wife found a travel agency (didn't even realize those still existed) that would take cash/check/credit card gifts and apply it to the honey moon we picked out.  Anything over the price of the honeymoon they cut us a check.  It worked out great.  I think you are over thinking this as most people know to give cash as wedding presents.  If you want cash there are several tricks you can do to shake down wedding guest.  Don't forget the dollar dance with bride and groom.  Have the grooms men walk around and serve shot's for donations.  Also be sure to have a money tree.  A tree with clips that people can put money on.  We did all the above plus more.  It's safe to say that if someone showed up with cash at our wedding they went home with an empty wallet LOL.  Just make it fun so it doesn't seem like a total shake down.

You forgot one.

My mom was mortified when her uncle took her shoe, on the wedding day, and passed it around to have guests fill it for good luck.  This was after many had given wedding presents already.

I had the (not) joy of having a cash bar and the "shots" for "money for the bridal couple", at a backyard barn wedding.   The family and friends had contributed all the set up labour , decorations, and the food, someone was "DJ", etc...   The cost of drinks charged was the same as that at a downtown hotel, and this after we had traveled over 700 miles to be there, AND had given a $200 cash gift and small personal gift.     It definitely felt like a shakedown.  I would have been happier if it had been "bring a bottle to contribute" type of potluck reception.

One custom I hate, is the "pay to dance with the bride".  Basically someone sits with a cash box near the dance floor and if you want to dance with the bride you have to pay up.

I have never seen this.  Where are you located?  Is this common where you live?

I come from German Heritage living in South/Central Texas.  You can count on 3 things at any German or Polish wedding around these parts.  The dollar dance, the chicken dance, and the Grand March.

[mm1970]

It might be midwestern US custom to have a "dollar dance." It's entirely optional, and only lasts for a few songs, generally. If you want to dance with the bride or groom at any other point, just cut in! :)

Fascinating.  I googled it afterwards.  In the 20 or 30 weddings I've been to I've never seen one.  I live in NYC.

FYI, in Central PA, I've been to several weddings with a dollar dance.

Grew up in NW PA, and yes, every wedding I went to there.

[MrsDinero]

Most of the dollar dances were in the Mid-West.  And yes there was always a chicken dance.

[mountains_o_mustaches]

There's a lot of posting back and forth about etiquette, but that wasn't the OP's question.  If you want to ask for money - go for it.  It's becoming a lot more common and etiquette "rules" always lag behind what's actually going on.  There's a lot of shaming about weddings - don't let that get you down or cause you to make decisions that just plain aren't in line with what you value.  A lot of social norms are based on our cultural obsession with materialism.  As a mustachian you're denouncing that social norm to a certain extent, so don't let something like wedding "etiquette" bully you into making consumerist decisions.

Good luck with the wedding planning!

[katsiki]

Check out zola.com.  They let you setup various gifts to be funded.  It worked well for a wedding I attended recently.  They setup different options: honeymoon, home, etc.

[Goldielocks]

There's a lot of posting back and forth about etiquette, but that wasn't the OP's question.  If you want to ask for money - go for it.  It's becoming a lot more common and etiquette "rules" always lag behind what's actually going on.  There's a lot of shaming about weddings - don't let that get you down or cause you to make decisions that just plain aren't in line with what you value.  A lot of social norms are based on our cultural obsession with materialism.  As a mustachian you're denouncing that social norm to a certain extent, so don't let something like wedding "etiquette" bully you into making consumerist decisions.

Good luck with the wedding planning!

Mountains ---   do you like it when friends ask you directly to give them a gift?  Or ask you to give them a gift of money?
How often does it happen to you?

[GreenQueen]

Update...

Thanks for all the great ideas and advice. My friend is putting up a free, very nice website with theknot.com, going for word of mouth via her family, and thinking of using zola registry as well, so thanks for that rec as well.

[rockstache]

There is certain wedding etiquette related to gifts that most people these days just ignore. To me, it's sad and appalling, but oh well! I guess I am a traditionalist in some aspects and I'm okay with that. I will share this traditional etiquette:

1) It's in very poor taste to print the registry info. on the wedding invitation, even though it is commonly done in more recent years. It's in less poor taste to put in on a wedding website, but traditionally, you would find out where someone was registered by asking someone close to the family (if you weren't part of the family), or it was expected that the couple would register at a department store where they live. These days, you can search registries online (Bed, Bath & Beyond, Target, Amazon, etc.) to find out if the couple is registered there. If you don't want to search out a registry, then you give money! :)

2) It's also in poor taste to directly ask for money. Period. No matter how you do this (HoneyFund, PayPal, etc.), it's tacky. You might be fine with being tacky. :)

3) The bride & groom are not sherpas. They should not be tasked with bringing their many gifts from their wedding home with them on their wedding night! Gifts should be MAILED or otherwise delivered either before or after the wedding. Usually couples have to figure out who is going to get all the gifts from their venue to wherever they will be opening them, and it's a hassle. How rude of some guests to expect the bride & groom to do this! Etiquette says to mail your gift. So if you can't mail a physical gift, the most polite thing to do is to bring something very small (in effect, a card with money in it) as your gift, or better yet, MAIL that card with money in it!

I second the recommendation to create a small wedding registry of only items the couple would be happy to have, perhaps on Amazon where many types of items can be had, and this makes it easier for guests to have items delivered (keep in mind the image of bride & groom as sherpas!). Many guests will likely give cash/checks, or more personal gifts (like my godmother who gave us a handmade quilt), as they see fit.

None of those traditions make any sense to me, and it seems I'm in the minority. And what confuses me a bit is that Mustachianism is supposed to be about challenging common and traditional ways of thinking is it not? Though I accept that it's silly to challenge traditions that work well.

For instance, expecting me to find out from word of mouth what people want for gifts, to me THAT is rude. I know I want to give something; why make it unnecessarily hard? In this more connected, modern world friends are farther apart; we may have meet in different countries, or parts of the country, so we may not know the immediate family. Also, these days the mother of the bride may very well have a busy career - do they really want to respond to 200 emails asking for the damn registry address? I can see how this would work if it's a wedding where everyone knows each other, and are from the same town. From the 20 or so wedding I've attended in the last 10 years, I can count 2 or 3 that fit that description.

I'm just a bit shocked by the strength of reaction. It's always such a relief to know what the couple prefers - it's their business what they like. I really prefer to be told. But as it stands I'm planning my own wedding, and now I have to worry about people being offended?

I guess I'll put nothing and create an email address for any and all questions related to the wedding, which I'll manage myself. Actually that'll work.

I'm OK now.

+1

Lol @ the bride and groom not being sherpas. If you want presents and you're not having a shower, you can carry them home. If I buy your gift in store and they don't offer free shipping - you're getting your gift at the wedding. Every wedding I have ever been to has a gift table set up for just this purpose, so apparently it isn't that rude.

[Bakari]

We just requested "no gifts" on our invites.


A few people gave gifts anyway (mostly not particularly expensive, and also quite practical), and a slightly larger number of people hid checks or cash inside their cards.
Most people did neither, which was just fine, we were just happy to have them there!