I love what I do, have the job I’ve always wanted, get paid very well, and it’s draining me. I used to work out all the time, barely get to the gym. Used to cook all the time, now I order out constantly because I can’t be bothered. When I come home, all I want to do is veg and let my mind take a break. I spend my day solving a billion problems coming left and right and don’t want to do anything when I’m home. I keep lying to myself that I will do all the things I’m supposed to do myself, but I only seem to stick with it for a day. So now, I feel like I’m going to do the weak, entitled things to get back on track:
—hire a personal trainer ($100/week)
—get one of those healthy food delivery services to drop off meals ($100/week)
I’m thinking of doing this for 3 months, lose the 40lbs I’ve put on and reset my body. I hope it works, just have no idea how/why I’ve lost my once strong willpower.
Because shame isn’t enough, let the facepunching begin!
The bolded, red part is your problem. It's normal. Fix the problem and the rest will start to improve.
First, definitely get a physical to rule out thyroid problems, etc. And look into depression as well. Apart from those obvious triggers, I have some thoughts.
So, there's been some interesting experimental work on what we Americans think of as 'self-discipline' or 'willpower'. Turns out, it isn't as much of an inborn or even learned 'character trait' or 'moral strength' as American mythology would have us believe. Instead, self-regulation works quite similarly to a muscle, in that it relies on several factors all operating optimally:
1) 'fuel' (healthy nutrition, proper blood sugar levels, and a rested brain and body) to function at all (e.g., one of the reasons that PMS can result is such unusual temper, or emotions, in some women..i.e., less self regulation...is probably because blood sugar regulation is not as good in many women at the end of the menstrual cycle. That's physiological, not emotional, in origin).
2) 'training/exercise'...just like a muscle, self-regulation can be gradually trained 'up' so that we can regulate ourselves in more and more demanding situations....but also like a muscle, it has a point of fatigue and collapse. Why is it that when you look around you see example after example of people who are incredibly successful and seem disciplined in one area of life, who will then inexplicably fail terribly at regulating their behavior in another? The reason usually is that the 'muscle of self regulation', when constantly exercised in one area of life, will fail from exhaustion when confronted with another. Successful politicians who have long disciplined themselves to listen to voters they don't like, suck up to donors, deal with frustrating gridlock in their gov't, give speeches, cultivate their images to a faretheewell, etc. then shoot their entire life's work in the foot because of seemingly inexplicable sexual misbehavior. Or what about high level performers at work who smoke or drink to excess? Or what about the times you have found yourself in a stupid screaming match with your spouse about which restaurant to stop at after you are physically tired from driving all day, are hungry, and have been nobly refraining from reaching back and trying to strangle your bored kids who have squabbled in the back seat for the last 4 hours? Or what about MOST of the population who sincerely want to lose weight and be healthier? Do we really think the majority of overweight Americans have a fundamental moral or character flaw? If so, how is that one of them might have been successfully resisting candy machines/coworker-brought treats all day at work? If they were flawed, why didn't they just eat it? Or another might have been stoically taking disrespect from boss or colleagues for years, with mounting frustration, but still never exploded in rage? They obviously have some willpower, but these same people often get home with will power muscle exhausted and then collapse and eat some pizza and ice cream.
3) Too many decisions / un-supportive contexts for self regulation (in a 'muscle' metaphor, this would be figuring out the right training environment/regime/or exercise). Decision fatigue is real, which is why we are so drawn to habitual behavior as an energy saving 'shortcut' through life. and modern life is full of millions of choices that sap energy. Personally, I find the toothpaste aisle extremely tiring and will almost close my eyes and grab rather than trying decide among a ton of choices that mostly have no bearing on my life. Who needs that energy suck? Also, context is important in decision making. If I habitually expose myself to e.g., the mall, with its tons of stimulating clothes, even a not-very-clothes-interested person like me will be far more tempted to buy something that wasn't in my budget (Ooh, Colors! Lights! SO MANY NEW THINGS! brain overwhelmed...guess I will buy something).
Anyway, what it sounds like is you have a a stress level at work (and possibly elsewhere that you haven't stated or haven't id'd) that started to use up some of your self-regulatory 'muscle' at a high rate, and that left you less for self disciplining your eating. So you slipped into eating more/worse food. Then you probably had less energy b/c of worse food, which sapped your 'muscles' even more, which caused you to give up exercise as well, and so the spiral starts.
If I were you, I would first figure out how to take as much unhealthy decision making out of my life as possible. Create as many healthy routines as possible that require the least amount of willpower to accomplish. There was a reason that Obama insisted on wearing very similar clothes, and eating routinized meals, etc., during his stint in the White House: He had determined that he had no mental energy to devote to 'what do I want for dinner? what tie should I wear today?' type decisions. Every one of those takes some energy, and a president has to be able to marshal as much self-regulatory ability as possible at all times to avoid such disasters as getting crabby and rising to an insult from say North Korea. Note that for all his iron self control in a lot of areas, he was never quite able to stop smoking.
Then try to identify all areas of work and relationships that require self regulation. Do you have to bite your tongue around an annoying co-worker all day? It saps willpower. Are things tense with a spouse? Saps willpower. Etc. Try to modify your routine and home and work life to reduce that stress, if possible.
I think you might have generally the right idea about trying to tackle your food situation first, because that is probably leading to you having less physical energy available to fuel self-regulation. Regardless of how you do it, you want to change your context to expose yourself to as much routinized healthy options as possible, with as few bad options as possible.
As you gradually exercise self-discipline at low levels, hypothetically you will probably find your 'muscle' becomes stronger, and can tackle more throughout the day. But remember, there is always a fatigue point out there, so try to identify yours and structure your routine to avoid hitting it.
Here's an interesting book on the subject:
https://www.amazon.com/Willpower-Rediscovering-Greatest-Human-Strength/dp/0143122231/ref=la_B001H6IAJY_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1523628049&sr=1-1
