very sad and frustrated - inheritance money

[LindseyS]

My mom passed away quickly and unexpectedly a few months ago and I received an inheritance, which I have invested.  I have been tossing around a few ideas for the money and have a fairly good grasp on what I would like to do with it sometime in the future.  My mom had a difficult life.  Her parents were both alcoholics and her father was very abusive, in every way you can imagine.  She married my father on the day she turned 18, not realizing that he would turn out to be incredibly abusive as well.  I feel that she only stayed with him for financial reasons.  He eventually left her after taking *most* of their money and she lived the last 8 years of her life in a deep depression.

I never factored the money that my mom was living off of into my own future because I thought it would run out before she died.  I've always thought that I would work to save money to help my kids with their college educations and for travel when they are all out of the house and that is what I still plan to do.  Myself and my husband also have retirement plans.  I am not comfortable even thinking about spending her money on myself, so what I would like to do is either start some type of scholarship fund for women looking to further their education to escape abusive situations or maybe for children from economically disadvantaged backgrounds - something along these lines OR I would like to bring my kids together once a year to decide on a different charity benefiting women/children to donate to each year in my moms name.  The idea is to get my kids involved, keep my mom "alive" and use her savings for a greater good.  I don't NEED this money now and I am hoping and planning to NEVER need it.

I am sad and frustrated because I have tried to talk to 3 people about my ideas - hoping to brainstorm and possibly come up with a more solid plan, but each time I have been sorely disappointed by the responses.  I've been told I should use the money on therapy (probably true, ha, I have been struggling with her death more than is probably "normal"), that I should buy something along the lines of a memorial bench to put somewhere and use the rest of the money on myself and the kids and I have been told that she wanted the money to be used by me and that is why she left it to me and saving more money than you need is a form of mental illness so I basically need to think long and hard about what I'm doing with it. When I try to steer the conversation back around to scholarship funds or charity donations all I get is crickets and confusion on why I would want to "waste" the money that way. 

I don't feel as though donating the money will be a waste. I do plan to wait several years before I do anything at all with it to make sure that my own financial situation works out in the way I'm hoping and I feel that using it in these ways will be a sort of redemption for the situations she has been in in her life.  I will not suffer just because I don't use the money on myself - and my kids won't either.  It just really bothers me that people won't listen to my heart on this matter and be supportive of what I am wanting to do.  It makes me feel that I would get more support if I chose to blow her money on vacations, new clothes or a car or something!  It also makes me feel that most people just aren't capable of "thinking big" or thinking outside the box and that they think I am dumb for wanting to do something different.

I guess I just needed to vent.  Thanks for listening.

EDITED TO ADD: I don't plan on making any final decisions on what this money will be used for for at least 5 years. Until then it will stay parked in my Vanguard account. I was lucky that the money became available right as Brexit was taking place.

[WSUCoug1994]

I completely understand how you feel.  I am sorry that you have not received more "local" support for your idea.  I personally believe you are doing the right thing - TRUST YOUR GUT - your mother gave you this money because she trusted you - not the people giving you alternative advice.  I think engaging your children in this process is an amazing idea and maybe it could be an annual event helping others in similar situations in celebration of your mothers generosity.

[oldladystache]

I agree with what you are feeling. I just suggest you put the money in a safe place for at least a year before making any decisions.

[iris lily]

You can do whatever you like with the money, so relax about it, you don't need to rush out and get rid of it right this minute.

And that may be what people are cautioning you about, you making decisions in a haze of confusion/shock/sadness.

By your decisin to wait, it sounds as though you are realistic about making a decision after you have had time to ruminate on it.

How much are we talking about,  enough to fund a lot of ongoing Gifts? or enough only for a few grants?
 

[caracarn]

I think your ideas have great merit.  To start a scholarship fund you would need to have a good chunk of money, and I'm no expert in exactly how much, but to be ongoing and self funding it would obviously need to be something that spit of the scholarship amount off the growth of the investment and not eat into the principal.  I'd say to even throw off $1,000 scholarship in a year you'd have to have at least $25,000 to work with. 

With regards to people not supporting the idea, I think you get from being here in MMM that not focusing only on consumption runs against the grain of the vast majority of people, so you are right, you will usually get more support for spending it on vacations etc. from most people.  We here, however, understand that your money is a bunch of little green employees that can WORK for you, and in this case work for your idea of a scholarship fund.  I'd say if you feel the amount is large enough, start doing the research and go for it. 

[Warlord1986]

I think donating the money to charity is a lovely idea and a great way to honor your mother. A big thing would be to make sure the charity is reputable. Maybe research what charities help women when they leave abusive partners is the way to start. I'm not sure if you would be able to see their financial records, but volunteering would give you a worker bee's view of what goes on and help you decide if it's a reputable organization. Some non-profits put their financial statements online.

If you want to start a scholarship, I would think the best way to go about that would be contacting a school. I suggest the local community college.

Donating the money isn't a waste. It's a lovely way to honor someone who cared for you.

[iris lily]

When it comes to setting up a scholarship,  keep in mind that small pots of money  may not be very effective. It may be best to contribute you pot of momey to,a larger pot, say, a scholarshi already established for woe,n coming from an abused situation.

But I also like the idea of getting your kids together each uear and deciding on a monetary gift to a charitable organization.

[Ricksun]

I never like rash decisions, and sometimes wait so long as to make any decision OBE...  But my take would be to throw it in Vanguard in a segregated fund and let it sit.  Give yourself as much time as you need.  The longer you wait, the more impactful the donation would be and the more options you will have at that point.

In the mean time, it's still there in case you have an emergency or your priorities change.

Rick

[Mongoose]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom and the lack of support for your plans for the inheritance. I'm just another Internet stranger but I also think your plan is a kind and beautiful way of honoring your mom. It acknowledges her struggles in a way that could help others where they need it most. Since you're not planning on doing anything with it for at least 5 years, are you planning on investing it in its own Vanguard or similar account? It'll grow while you wait and research how to gift the money. I just want to say that, whether you end up needing the money for you or your family or gift it to help others, your kind and loving heart is already a wonderful tribute to her memory.

[Choices]

I'm sorry for your loss and for the way people seem to be blowing off your ideas.
Your heart is beautiful and you've done a great job by putting your family in the position where you don't need the inheritance. Well done.

You've mentioned waiting a while before making any big decisions, which is an excellent idea. Others have had great advice about scholarships, and since you don't have to decide right now, you have plenty of time to read up and talk with some non-profits as well as advisors. You'll figure this out and we're here to support you in your decisions.

[FIREandMONEY]

Ooo oo!  I think I can help, or at least point you in a good direction.  You can use the the Vanguard Charitable Endowment Program to set up your charitable giving.  That way you can establish a charitable fund in your mom's name, if you wish.  Link is here:  https://www.vanguardcharitable.org/home/

JL Collins talks all about how he did it in a blog post here:  http://jlcollinsnh.com/2012/02/08/how-to-give-like-a-billionaire/

Good luck!

oh, and sorry bout your mom.  :(

[SilveradoBojangles]

I think this is a lovely idea, and such a beautiful way to honor your mom's legacy. It is my dream to have enough money to one day start a scholarship fund, because the scholarship I got in college (which wasn't much - 3500 a year!) made school so, so much more attainable for me, and allowed me to graduate with minimal debt. I think waiting a while is smart, but when you're ready I say go for it!

[letired]

I think your ideas are really lovely. It is also a fantastic testament to your mother that you don't need the money for yourself.  I think you have a lot of great options, and you can use the next (few) year(s) to research your options. If you are considering giving to an existing charity, something like http://www.charitynavigator.org/ can help you research different charities. I love the idea of involving your children in picking causes to support in your mother's name.

Best wishes for your family.

[RobFIRE]

Your plans sound pretty sensible to me. Your starting point of investing the money and not rushing any significant decisions is wise.

In terms of using the money, certainly making charitable donations to relevant causes sounds like a very good use. If you have a potential need to use the money for other purposes, you could start off by donating the investment interest/profits, and only later start to donate out of the original amount when you're sure not to need it.

It is a shame that friends or other relatives might find it easier if you had stated plans to spend the money on e.g. a new car or a home upsizing. Perhaps though there is an option to do something else in the memory of your mother, such as using some of the money to fund e.g. an annual long weekend family get together?

[SJS]

I'm very sorry for your loss.  I agree with the others - give yourself time to grieve the loss of your mom.  You've got the money set aside where it can hopefully grow a bit while you are taking care of yourself.  I love the idea of helping others in honor of your mother.  Involving your children is a great idea, too (assuming they are old enough to know some of your reasoning for doing what you are doing).  Don't rush yourself, everyone grieves in different ways, in different times.  Take care of YOU, Be good to yourself.  Your mom would want that.  Peace to you.

[anotherAlias]

I'm sorry for your loss and that your friends aren't supportive of the charity/scholarship ideas.  I love the idea of having your kids help pick a charity each year to give in memory of your mom.  I think your ideas would make your mother proud.

[tonysemail]

I'm truly enamored with the idea of a scholarship as a form of charitable giving.
If folks have good or bad experiences with it, I'd love to hear more.

I looked into private foundation vs DAF for charitable giving.
It seemed to me that DAF is much easier to start and has fewer annual costs.
But if you use a DAF, then you cannot be the person responsible for picking the winner of the scholarship.
So a private foundation would be the way to go if you care about that.

[PtboEliz]

Just want to add that I also think your ideas are a lovely way to honour your Mom's life and memory. I'm sorry you lost her, and that she had so many challenges in her life. And I'm sorry some people around you don't understand your desire to do something very good.

You are smart to wait on the big idea, but in the meanwhile you might find it healing and a balm to your grief to do small acts of kindness / charity in honour of your Mom. Something as simple as buying coffee for someone or giving away potted plants to strangers. Something that would make your Mom smile.

Not sure if you have any hospice programming in your community, but grief groups can be very helpful. Being with others who have had a loss can be comforting and it's nice to have a judgment-free place where you can talk about your loss without feeling the cultural pressure to be "over it."

Please keep us updated on what you decide with your charitable project :) 

ETA: Be gentle with yourself about feeling like your grief isn't "normal." It's normal for grief to be overwhelming and consuming. It's pretty shitty all around. You lost your Mom suddenly, it was just a short period ago, and she was your Mom.

[Frankies Girl]

I lost my dad a few years back and received a substantial, life changing inheritance. I also am left with feelings of regret, sorrow and frustration because my father was a very flawed person and we had a very complicated relationship, but I loved him very much. He was a full-blown "as seen on TV" hoarder, had grown up extremely poor (which I think had a hand in him turning into a hoarder - he obsessed over food and clothing), and also had some undiagnosed mental issues (OCD? OCPD?) that made it hard to even try to talk to him about certain things.

That being said, I basically did nothing for about a year after inheriting. I'd advise you to do the same. The money isn't going to be hurt sitting around for a while on auto-pilot while you grieve and come to terms with your loss. But I think that your idea of setting up a scholarship fund or donating to a charity (or even creating a charitable trust) in your mother's memory would be a wonderful idea if you don't need the money and your children are well set in life.

And I wouldn't worry about what your friends or other family members would do if it was them or their advice on the matter. You do what you feel you need to do - and what you think will make you happy. That is all that matters. 

I have no kids, so I decided that the funds would be used for supporting myself and my husband for our lifetimes, after our death, the money is going half to to charity, and the other half will be to create a scholarship in my father's name at the college he received his degree, to benefit children from underprivileged families. There may be more details to work out (need to contact the college and do some more research), but that's what sounds good to me and I love the idea that my dad's name will be around forever because of a scholarship.


I am so very sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and your family about all of this. Please don't feel like you have to satisfy any other person's ideas of what your grief process should look like, or how you need to be using the inheritance she left you. Please be assured that most people really think what you're planning is a beautiful, amazing thing - and no one in their right mind is going to judge you as doing the wrong thing if you go forward with your plans, and if they do, they are 100% in the wrong and you shouldn't worry a second about even keeping that type of person in your life anyway. ;)

[RosieTR]

Sorry for your loss. Lots of folks have given great ideas, and I wanted to add that I have been reading The Power of Half and thought you might find it helpful. It's about a family's journey to donate literally half their assets to a charitable cause. The book kind of goes though their journey, including struggles about including their kids, the wtf sentiment they got from friends and family and how they dealt with it, and how they came up with how to use the money.
I think your mom would be proud to have raised such a considerate person.

[texastumbleweed]

I worked with this charity and your description immediately made think of it as a wonderful place for a possible donation.  These women have really been through it and their stories can be difficult to hear....  http://thistlefarms.org/pages/our-model

I think your plan is lovely.  Good luck.

[Secretly Saving]

Ooo oo!  I think I can help, or at least point you in a good direction.  You can use the the Vanguard Charitable Endowment Program to set up your charitable giving.  That way you can establish a charitable fund in your mom's name, if you wish.  Link is here:  https://www.vanguardcharitable.org/home/

JL Collins talks all about how he did it in a blog post here:  http://jlcollinsnh.com/2012/02/08/how-to-give-like-a-billionaire/

Good luck!

oh, and sorry bout your mom.  :(

+1 This ^^^ was exactly what I was going to suggest!  You have a beautiful idea that will honor your Mom and do some good in the world.  It'll be great. 

[Secretly Saving]

I worked with this charity and your description immediately made think of it as a wonderful place for a possible donation.  These women have really been through it and their stories can be difficult to hear....  http://thistlefarms.org/pages/our-model

I think your plan is lovely.  Good luck.

Thistle Farms sounds incredible.  Next time I'm in Nashville I'll be sure to check out their cafe!

[BrendanJ45]

I've volunteered at the Ronald McDonald house when I was in university. They do great work for battered women, giving them a place to stay and helping them to get on their feet after leaving the abuser.

[kite]

I understand your frustration.  The bright side is that people you are talking to feel comfortable enough around you to offer a contradictory opinion.  This is a good thing, because it does help you think.
At the end of the day, it's your money.  We had planned to endow a scholarship in a similar manner when we were old and had a large chunk.  We imagined a genuine legacy.  What happened was that we became aware of two single moms in our community who needed help immediately, not 20 or 50 years from now when we're long gone. We decided to help them.  We funded things like tuition, books, cars, diapers, housing etc over the years. They are each now self sufficient homeowners whose children (now teens) are like honorary grandkids to us.  It was relatively small amounts over a period of several years.  But it closed gaps left by Pell Grants, scholarships & student loans, and added up to a good sized chunk.
We have a friend who provides a scholarship of $2500 per year to a young person studying a specific field.  It's in honor of his father, and they enjoy reading application essays, etc and getting to know the recipient.  We're looking to do something at the same level through our local community college, specifically for single mothers ie.. funding childcare.  I've decided NOT to put our names on it, but to simply give this amount annually to the school's onsite childcare center and let them administer.  A similar amount already goes annually towards scholarshps for kids aging out of foster care.  These are worthy causes we want to fund while alive.  Also, we don't want our names publicized for this, so we remain anonymous.
Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing and your Mom would have every reason to be proud.  Your success is already her great legacy. 

[Secretly Saving]

I understand your frustration.  The bright side is that people you are talking to feel comfortable enough around you to offer a contradictory opinion.  This is a good thing, because it does help you think.
At the end of the day, it's your money.  We had planned to endow a scholarship in a similar manner when we were old and had a large chunk.  We imagined a genuine legacy.  What happened was that we became aware of two single moms in our community who needed help immediately, not 20 or 50 years from now when we're long gone. We decided to help them.  We funded things like tuition, books, cars, diapers, housing etc over the years. They are each now self sufficient homeowners whose children (now teens) are like honorary grandkids to us.  It was relatively small amounts over a period of several years.  But it closed gaps left by Pell Grants, scholarships & student loans, and added up to a good sized chunk.
We have a friend who provides a scholarship of $2500 per year to a young person studying a specific field.  It's in honor of his father, and they enjoy reading application essays, etc and getting to know the recipient.  We're looking to do something at the same level through our local community college, specifically for single mothers ie.. funding childcare.  I've decided NOT to put our names on it, but to simply give this amount annually to the school's onsite childcare center and let them administer.  A similar amount already goes annually towards scholarshps for kids aging out of foster care.  These are worthy causes we want to fund while alive.  Also, we don't want our names publicized for this, so we remain anonymous.
Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing and your Mom would have every reason to be proud.  Your success is already her great legacy.

I LOVE your ideas, Kite.  I'm going to look into helping the kids who are aging out of the foster system.  That's a great one!  Do you have specific charitable organization that you donate to for that?

[kite]

^
We give here
https://www.fafsonline.org/private-scholarships-grants-foster-care-youth-nj/
Because it's the kids in our own area who benefit.

[MrsPete]

First, you're clearly still reeling from your mother's death.  You don't get over these things in a couple weeks or even months.  Don't push yourself to make a decision now-now-now.  Put the money into a savings account and let it sit until your emotions are more stable. 

I completely understand why you're hesitant to use the money for yourself -- even if it isn't exactly a rational idea.  Personally, I'd put it away for your kids' education.  What better way to honor your mother than by educating her grandchildren?  I can't imagine any grandmother not wanting to help her grandchildren.  It sounds like a "best of all worlds" possibility to me.

Finally, you don't have to use all the money in one place.  Did you say you have three children?  You could divide the money into four portions:  One portion for each child's education and one portion to be donated to women's charities.  I like the idea of dividing it up and allowing the children to choose a charity every year; doing the research will give them an understanding of what their grandmother went through and will make them more sensitive people. 

[LeRainDrop]

I LOVE your ideas, Kite.  I'm going to look into helping the kids who are aging out of the foster system.  That's a great one!  Do you have specific charitable organization that you donate to for that?

^
We give here
https://www.fafsonline.org/private-scholarships-grants-foster-care-youth-nj/
Because it's the kids in our own area who benefit.

I don't know where you're located, but the one that does fantastic work in Georgia is called CHRIS Kids.  http://www.chriskids.org/

[Blonde Lawyer]

I think your idea sounds great.  Other people are saying donate a bit and keep the rest.  What if you flipped that and donate / scholarship fund most of but still buy yourself something with it.  I think part of what people are trying to say is that your mom wanted you to have it or to have something nice.  Maybe come up with one thing that you wouldn't normally spend money on, one thing for you and one for each kid and then do what you will with the rest.  Then you can still think of her each time you guys use/look at the that thing.  It doesn't have to be a mustachian thing but it also shouldn't cost you a ton of money in the future for repairs and stuff.  So maybe kayaks instead of a boat.  Or a necklace. 

[chasesfish]

I agree with most of the posts...

Take some time, then look at setting up a fund with Vanguard ($25,000 min), Fidelity ($5,000 min), or a local community foundation in your mom's honor.  Fund it with whatever you think is appropriate and let it give perpetually to charitable causes that would help others get help

[SwordGuy]

Sorry for your loss, my own mom passed away last fall.   

I noticed that JL Collin's article about how to give away money was already listed.
It's good advice.

So is waiting for awhile before doing anything substantial about it.

Or, alternatively, you could just give it to people you know could really use it.   You probably won't get a tax deduction for it, but unless you're itemizing your deductions, you wouldn't get one anyway.

The good part about just helping people you know need help is that there isn't any overhead.  You just have to be careful you do it in a way that doesn't set you up as a mark to be hit on for money.
Anonymous donations are one way to do that.

[Erica]

Since life is unpredictable, it's no guarantee your own loved ones won't need to use it.

You may have a granddaughter in the same situation who could use that money to get out.

The world is getting worse, not better. I think you should do what your heart is telling you, but that doesn't = "redemption" with your mothers $$

It seems she loved you very much and wanted you to have the $$. Maybe to make up for what she felt she did wrong, like your Dads behavior.

She sounds like a wonderful lady.

If you feel the need to go that direction, there are many ways. But to use the full amount of the money to help strangers when you

never know if your mothers own grandchildren might need it, well just keep that in mind. Good Luck to you
.

[Erica]

in the meantime as you make up your mind, you could volunteer at a battered women's shelter for example.

[Genevieve]

What wonderful responses in this thread!

Depending on how much you have (and plan to have) as well as how much the inheritance is, different levels of charity become possible.

A Donor Advised Fund (the Jim Collin article) means you can give appreciated stock and save on taxes.

If your NW will be in 10 mil+ range, gifting strategies can be a big part of saving on taxes and being able to give even more.