Lots of thoughts from a mom whose children are grown:
- I am 100% sure that you can get quality daycare for less than $36,000/year in most parts of the US.
- Keep in mind that what's true for a newborn isn't true for a 4-year old. Newborn daycare is always the most expensive because they need more intensive care, whereas older children are considerably less work. In general terms -- all things being equal -- newborns tend to be expensive ... 1-2 year olds are a little cheaper ... 3-4 year olds are about as cheap as it's going to get -- and the options for them explode ... your costs go up a little while the child's in elementary school ... a little more during middle school ... teenagers are, indeed, the most expensive. And, of course, at every stage you can economize within the realm of common sense.
- You don't have to make a decision at birth and stick with it until the child's old enough for school -- yet new parents don't seem to realize this. For example, an average earner might decide that it's sensible for mom to stay home for the child's first year -- that allows her to avoid the highest cost day care AND to breastfeed exclusively, which is a savings in multiple ways ... but then go with an at-home daycare for a while ... and then move on to a Montessori school later. My recommendation: Make daycare a year-by-year decision. Same for school choice. Every year look at it and ask yourself, "What options are available to us? Is this still our best choice?"
- Daycare doesn't seem to treat everyone equally. When my kids were small, I seemed to "fall into" good situations. I had a relative who kept my first child for a short time, then we moved to a daycare center when she became too much for the elderly relative. My favorite daycare lady decided to start an at-home daycare, and we moved with her. When our oldest was ready for kindergarten and we wanted to move our youngest to avoid the major drive we were making to use her, I was dreading telling her we were leaving ... but before I could tell her, she told me she was moving out of state. At every turn, I just "fell into" good situations. I knew other people who had just the opposite experience -- and I have a few friends whose children have special needs; thus, their decisions were made for them.
- Most parents seem to think that daycare costs will suddenly disappear when their children start school. For most working parents, that isn't true: Daycare morphs into before/after school care. This tends to be 40-50% the cost of daycare. Less money? Oh, yes! Free? No.
- It's absolutely true that you need to consider "the big picture" when you're making your home-or-work decision. How hard would it be for mom to get back into the work force? Is it worthwhile to work for little money during the daycare years, or are the increases in pay enough to put up with the difficult times? At the same time, a parent at home can be a money saver -- homemade meals, watching for sales, etc. These numbers'll be different for every family.
- The specifics of each family's work makes a difference too. When our kids were small, we were great most of the time -- he did the mornings, and I did the afternoons, and then we had evenings together as a family -- but when my husband traveled, it was too much for me. We ended up moving and making some other changes so things could work better, but it made me wonder how single parents do it. Anyway, personal circumstances make a difference: Having family nearby vs. being on your own, living close to work vs. a long commute, the number of children in the family, the children's health ... so many variables. That's why we don't all agree upon "the right answer" -- we're all different.
- Paying for daycare took a big chunk of our paycheck, but it wasn't "a struggle". I mean, we didn't have cable, didn't go out to eat often, etc. -- but we were never really worried about how to pay our mortgage payment. College has been the same. We've paid attention to our pennies, but it has in no way been "a struggle" -- and we are not high earners.