Getting SO on board

[sixkids]

I searched, but I don't see it discussed. Anyone else have a wife (or husband) who's not on board with the plan? 

[shuffler]

https://www.google.com/search?q=Getting+SO+on+board+site%3Aforum.mrmoneymustache.com

[soccerluvof4]

My DW wasn't on board. I took the approach instead of shoving it down or throat I was going to set the example and eventually she got it. In a lot of ways now she leads the way and gets excited. Some people just don't like change and or don't get it so my recommendation is don't try to sell it but instead introduce a couple ideas at a time and let her/him notice on their own. Better to get them to make the decision on their own.

[MasterStache]

My SO is still a bit on the fence. I give her props for agreeing to downsize the house, ditch the SUV, get rid of cable, downsize our cell phone plans etc. But, she still has a bit of a spending mindset. For example when I have some extra cash leftover out of my paycheck I think savings. She thinks spending.

You really have to pick and choose your battles. She lets me handle the financial side and just kind of goes with it. I have a set savings goal I think we should reach every year. As long as we reach that goal, I don't put much effort into controlling anything outside of that. She can spend how she pleases.

 

[chemistk]

My wife has never "not been on board," but she has not really shown much interest in reading through the posts, learning the details, etc.

She grew up with her dad handling the family budget and everyone else just not really aware of how it all worked. Dad made a financial decision and everyone else was on board. (Her parents' system isn't necessarily a bad one, but it has not done the best job in preparing my wife and her siblings for dealing with finances.

I started reading MMM a year and a half ago, and got really into it. I showed her the site, gave her the cliffnotes version of a few posts, and she was receptive to it but I could tell she wasn't going to read it. I have handled our finances since before we were even married (something she willingly and gleefully deferred to me) and she has agreed with most all the financial decisions I have made pre- and post-MMM. She has been on board with us saving for FI, as well as some of the approaches to doing so. She tries to help wherever she can (thrift stores, shopping with coupons, eating at home instead of eating out, etc.) but doesn't really make too many big financial decisions. Whenever I make a financial move (new credit card, new bank account, moving money between accounts, etc.), I always inform her of what I am doing it and why it will benefit us.

Slowly she has drifted towards a more frugal lifestyle without even knowing it.

[Laura33]

My SO is still a bit on the fence. I give her props for agreeing to downsize the house, ditch the SUV, get rid of cable, downsize our cell phone plans etc. But, she still has a bit of a spending mindset. For example when I have some extra cash leftover out of my paycheck I think savings. She thinks spending.

You really have to pick and choose your battles. She lets me handle the financial side and just kind of goes with it. I have a set savings goal I think we should reach every year. As long as we reach that goal, I don't put much effort into controlling anything outside of that. She can spend how she pleases.

 

This is my DH to a T -- he has this silly idea that as long as we are saving as planned, it is ok to spend the rest.  I got unreasonably mad one day when he came home with a new pair of $120 Oakleys.  He did need new sunglasses, we could "afford" it, but it struck me as ridiculous when the drug store has perfectly good pairs for $10 (and the Oakleys weren't even polarized like the drugstore ones!).

So we ultimately had to agree to disagree on this -- I love the guy to death, but he has the classic "I work hard, I can afford nice things, therefore I should buy whatever nice things I want" view.  I have made some inroads (e.g., he paid off his CCs before we married because he had just never done the math [is this where I mention he has a Ph.D in EE?], we cook at home a lot because I'm the one who shops/cooks, I just automatically up our Vanguard myself whenever we get raises, etc.), but there are some really fundamental differences that I'm never going to bridge. 

So our "fix" was an allowance system:  we each get $200/mo. in our own accounts to do whatever we want with.  He can fritter his away on stupid stuff, and I can't nag, because it's his money.  And I can sock mine away in savings/investments, which meets my need to come in under budget and save more.  Still married and FI after 20 years, so hard to complain too much.  :-)

[nereo]

lifejoy wrote a very detailed thread on this very topic - it's even a sticky!

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/ask-a-mustachian/how-to-convert-your-so-to-mmm-in-50-awesome-steps/

FWIW I've seen quite a few success stories - members here who struggled to get their spouse on board, but after a short while their spouse was as enthusiastic as they were.  Others (like Laura33) haven't had as much luck, but that can be ok too.

Personal anacdote - my SO was always frugal but had never learned about compound interest, tax-deferred accounts or the "4% rule".  Despite always saving 30%+ of her paycheck she assumed that we'd never be able to retire early because, well, basically it was a completely foreign concept, like taking a vacation to Mars. Now she's fully on board, and my main 'strategy' was slowly introducing these concepts to her. I had to be careful because I tend to geek out over this stuff, and I could see her eyes glaze after a while, but a little at a time over a couple of years moved us closer together.

[Mezzie]

My husband trusts me with the finances. He does worry that I'm stressing myself out (since my early retirement plans are prompted by health concerns), but I actually feel much more calm with a plan in place, even a somewhat incomplete one.

I haven't touched his weekly spending allowance, though, so he hasn't felt any of the changes even though he's aware of them. If it turns out we do have to limit that, that's when the real negotiating will begin. That would be an emergency last resort, though. He's generous with his friends and family, and I'd hate to take that from him.

[Reynold]

That would be an emergency last resort, though. He's generous with his friends and family, and I'd hate to take that from him.

As is my DW, and even aside from any "inherent goodness" of being generous like that, I think there are pragmatic benefits to helping out family and friends, providing it doesn't become a parasitic relationship.  A lot of friendship is built on shared experiences and favors, e.g. "I'll help you move, you help me move next time.", and there are things friends and family can supply that money can not.  Backup guardianship of children, health care proxy, executors of wills, to give a few examples.  Even MMM makes trips to get together with friends or family where he is going out to eat, staying in hotels, and so on because that is part of what you have to do if you want to build and maintain relationships.