Author Topic: How to help a friend in need  (Read 2675 times)

aceyou

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How to help a friend in need
« on: November 16, 2019, 07:47:21 PM »
Alright MMMer's,

I've got a tough one.  A friend of mine has made horrible life choices, and current situation is:

- divorcing abusive husband
- has 1 and 3 year old
- zero money
- living on friends couch
- no job
- got a loan for a mobile home so she can show courts she has a place for her children (no idea how she got loan)
- some family/friends able to help, but not with childcare or money in any significant way. 
- a background check would show a history of drug and alcohol issues on her record, and driving without a license.  She just got the license back. 
- no college degree
- is 34

Some positives:
- is intelligent
- is kind
- loves her kids
- has connected family/friends

My wife and I would definitely not give her any money, but we are probably one of the more privileged people in her life, so we want to find resources to help her. 

My goal is to help her make money, given her many constraints.  So here's my question for you all:

What are some ways she can earn money.  My first thought is teaching english online.  Keeps her in the house near the children, doesn't require a car, she would be good at it.

Any ideas would be amazingly helpful! 

Zikoris

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2019, 08:10:45 PM »
Two things are sort of vague/uncertain from the OP.

First - previous drug and alcohol issues on record. Is she still using? A lot of jobs require drug tests, so that's something to be aware of. If she's not, do you think she's likely to start again? Would she need to avoid certain environments/situations in order to stay clean? For example, basic bartending is pretty quick to learn and I know multiple people who do side gigs here and there at weddings and corporate functions and make very good money, but it's not worth it if it's going to lead to a relapse and ruin your life.

Second, the housing situation. She has a loan for a mobile home, but is she going to be living in it soon/ever, or is it just on paper? If she has a home set up, could she run an in-home daycare? Would people trust her with their kids? Again, whether the substance abuse is still ongoing is a factor here, or if clean, then for how long.

Sibley

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #2 on: November 17, 2019, 08:04:37 AM »
Honestly, the non-monetary help you could provide might be the most important. Big barriers for her: affordable, good childcare; transportation; lack of understanding/sophistication with the paperwork and resources available to her. You could help lower those barriers. Plus, having someone in your corner who wants you to do well and fully believes that you CAN is huge, just emotionally. And you don't really have to do anything specific, just the general attitude of "yeah, its tough but I know you'll get through this" will come though everything you say and do.

Cranky

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2019, 08:47:10 AM »
Help her make the necessary contacts with social services. Can she get subsidized child care and help finding a job that way? She should be able to get WIC, and probably food stamps. She'll need transportation above all.

You might help out with toiletries or diapers sometimes, because y'know... "You found this stuff on such a good sale..."

Polaria

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2019, 09:02:27 AM »
I am just going to say that divorcing the abusive husband is probably one of the best decisions long-term for her and her children.
I am so glad you are rooting for this family.

SunnyDays

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2019, 10:02:56 AM »
There is nothing more dangerous for a woman than leaving an abusive man, so make sure she has a restraining order, he doesn't know where to find her and she's given support in not returning to him because the leaving is so difficult. 

Villanelle

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2019, 10:19:54 AM »
There is nothing more dangerous for a woman than leaving an abusive man, so make sure she has a restraining order, he doesn't know where to find her and she's given support in not returning to him because the leaving is so difficult.
 

A restraining order isn't always a safety net, and in fact in many situations can make things worse.  It's a decision to consider carefully and be very thoughtful about.  Sometimes, it is the right move.  Unfortunately, other times, it can be provoking and to someone likely to plan an attack of some kind, they are clearly already willing to break the law so one more legal barrier is unlikely to matter.

As for how the friend can make money, the questions about whether she is clean and sober make a huge difference.  She can try to teach English online, but programs with which I am familiar require a college degree.

If she's interested in working toward that, you could help her find scholarships and/or online programs. 

Caring for children is seems like a fairly obvious choice, but finding business might take a while.  This could either be an actual licenses business or just watching a child or two for a few hours between the end of school and parents getting home from work, plus evenings and weekends to cover for date nights.

She could also sign up for Rover or other dogwalking services.  I don't know their rules, but it seems like she could take her kids along while she earns a few bucks walking someone's dog. 

You can also help her find social programs for which she and her children might qualify.  WIC, SNAP, housing assistance, local food banks, etc.  All these things can help her get her feet back under her. 




BicycleB

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2019, 11:41:17 AM »
Get a copy of the book below for each of you, and work through it to apply all the strategies that pertain to her life. It includes many details and examples about things like the excellent "get social services" suggestion.

https://www.amazon.com/Rising-Strategies-Broke-At-Risk-Those-ebook/dp/B01EXOK814

+1 to the logistical support, and to making sure she has a safe place to life that is hidden from the abuser.





MsPeacock

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2019, 01:16:15 PM »
There is nothing more dangerous for a woman than leaving an abusive man, so make sure she has a restraining order, he doesn't know where to find her and she's given support in not returning to him because the leaving is so difficult.


Domestic violence resources can help her with housing, legal advice, a restraining order, childcare, etc. This should be her first stop.

parkerk

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2019, 02:59:19 PM »
Definitely buying diapers and other kiddo needs would be hugely helpful.  Dropping off some freezer-friendly, kid-friendly meals when her housing situation is stabilized is also a good one, or gift cards to restaurants that deliver.

As someone who works from home I can categorically say DO NOT work from home on anything that you can't start and stop at your leisure if you have small kids.  If the teaching English online stuff, for example, is done by video chat or live chat, that absolutely does not work when you're being interrupted by toddlers.  Ditto for work from home customer service jobs.  The excuse of "sorry I hung up on a customer, my kid took off her poopy diaper and created a Jackson Pollock work in her bedroom" will unfortunately not be accepted as an excuse from an employer.  If she does work from home she'd still want to get a babysitter to come over so she can guarantee she won't be interrupted, so maybe that's still an option of it's cheaper than daycare.

Helping to provide/find affordable childcare really is a huge one.  It's important for work, but it can also be important if she has to do all the logistical crap involved with leaving an abusive partner and trying to get them to pay child support. 

Giving her some "adult support time" probably wouldn't go amiss either.  Visit her with your wife - one watches the kids while the other buys her a coffee and gives her a chance to just talk about whatever she needs to. 

aceyou

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2019, 05:52:02 PM »
So much good advise here.  Thank you all so much. 

Yeah, I would feel better about providing some level of financial support if it was by directly buying diapers, meals, stuff that will directly be helpful.  DW and I would not provide much, because we are hyper focused on our savings rate, but we aren't religious, so this could be a good place to send some charitable giving. 

Also a +1 to maybe giving her some support time.  Maybe DW and I can bring both our kids her way.  I could hang at her place and supervise our kids all playing together, and DW can treat her to a dinner and let her talk about anything she needs to hash out:) 

Take care MMMers

Villanelle

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #11 on: November 18, 2019, 05:56:08 PM »
So much good advise here.  Thank you all so much. 

Yeah, I would feel better about providing some level of financial support if it was by directly buying diapers, meals, stuff that will directly be helpful.  DW and I would not provide much, because we are hyper focused on our savings rate, but we aren't religious, so this could be a good place to send some charitable giving. 

Also a +1 to maybe giving her some support time.  Maybe DW and I can bring both our kids her way.  I could hang at her place and supervise our kids all playing together, and DW can treat her to a dinner and let her talk about anything she needs to hash out:) 

Take care MMMers

Also offering to watch her kids for a day or evening so she can have some alone time to decompress and process. 

skiersailor

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Re: How to help a friend in need
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2019, 09:46:49 AM »
Is there a Dress for Success chapter in her area?  This is exactly the demographic they are targeting with their services.  They help clients create resumes and apply for jobs in addition to providing clothes for interviewing.