Author Topic: Stress Busters – Advice Please!  (Read 3992 times)

TabbyCat

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Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« on: August 21, 2018, 10:39:29 AM »
Looking for stress advice on behalf of my husband. He is feeling defeated and like life is one big miserable slog. I have suggested getting some daily exercise or at least a few times a week, taking time to read or play video games to relax, and trying to talk to people in addition to me (friends, family, counseling, anyone). He does eat well because I make all the meals, pack lunch, etc. I already do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare so there isn’t really anything I can offload from him.

We can’t really address the root cause right now (work) - without going into an abundance of detail, work is stressful (high pressure, long hours, weekend work, etc), he can’t change jobs right now (contract), but he may get reassigned on short notice (would be a big pay cut and an ego blow so he's worried). Vacation time is not an option for the next few months. Ideas?

BrightFIRE

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2018, 11:38:17 AM »
Taking stuff off his plate actually might not help - what does he do with that freed up time? Sit around feeling stressed? Zone out like a lump? My SO generally get satisfaction/a sense of accomplishment and a little ego boost from completing chores around the house. It sounds like your husband's ego might be too tied up with his work, so how can he focus on getting satisfaction from not-work things?

Also, practice daily gratitude - we each list 3 things out loud to each other every night that we are grateful for, and it has made a big difference in my outlook on life, including work. Work isn't everything.

MrsDinero

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2018, 11:43:21 AM »
It sounds like he might need to see a doctor.  He should make an appt with his physician for a checkup and have him talk about what is going on. 

mozar

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2018, 12:31:02 PM »
If he's not actively trying to un-stress his own life there's nothing you can do. It's up to him if he wants to change things. If he posts here people can give advice on how he can make work less stressful.

wageslave23

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2018, 12:39:29 PM »
There are a few books that might help him keep things in perspective.  I just read Meditations by Marcus Aerelius and it is composed of one or two line life philosophies that really help me.  Some of them are about not stressing about things that no one will care about in when you're dead and gone.  Or embracing hardship because its good for the soul.  Reading a few pages and thinking about them each night might help him.

Spoonsor

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2018, 12:46:01 PM »
I've found that going for a walk in the evening with my wife is therapeutic. 2-3 miles seems to do the trick for us. Fresh air, exercise, and the opportunity to have a nice chat with no distractions, if he's feeling up to it.

Erica

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2018, 01:21:56 PM »
Looking for stress advice on behalf of my husband. He is feeling defeated and like life is one big miserable slog. I have suggested getting some daily exercise or at least a few times a week, taking time to read or play video games to relax, and trying to talk to people in addition to me (friends, family, counseling, anyone). He does eat well because I make all the meals, pack lunch, etc. I already do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare so there isn’t really anything I can offload from him.

We can’t really address the root cause right now (work) - without going into an abundance of detail, work is stressful (high pressure, long hours, weekend work, etc), he can’t change jobs right now (contract), but he may get reassigned on short notice (would be a big pay cut and an ego blow so he's worried). Vacation time is not an option for the next few months. Ideas?
Kava Kava root & Tai Chi. Go completely paleo if you haven't already, ensure everything he eats is organic whole food. Meat is free-range, no drugs. Besides that and counseling, not sure. They should have support groups for folks who are stressed in their jobs but I am unaware of any

GuitarStv

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2018, 02:32:52 PM »
Exercise is crucial and vital.  Your body does a lot of weird stuff to you when you ignore this.

Hula Hoop

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2018, 02:34:43 PM »
I have a very stressful job and am by nature very anxious.  What has helped me a lot is pilates a few times a week, walking to and from work. 

lollylegs

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #9 on: August 21, 2018, 02:39:23 PM »
the exercise is really helpful, even just short walks help.  I have been really struggling at work this year and stress really high. Best decision I made was to stop going to as many meetings as possible - it has really helped. I know not everyone can get out of meetings ( I just don't turn up or tell them something urgent turned up unexpectedly) but is there anything he finds stressful at work that he can get out of.

Stash Engineer

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2018, 02:41:40 PM »
Exercise is crucial and vital.  Your body does a lot of weird stuff to you when you ignore this.

x2.  Have been in similar slumps and exercise is the ticket.  He might have to set aside some current goal or project to make time, but it's worth doing.  This will also help sleep, which will help everything else as well.

o2bfree

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2018, 05:05:22 PM »
^^^ Yes, exercise. Boosts feel-good chemicals such as serotonin. Meditation is helpful, too.

You didn't say how old your husband is. If he's 40+ or so he may be having male hormone issues. Or maybe he just needs some time off to play feel care-free (unfortunately not possible now you say).

doneby35

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2018, 05:15:38 PM »
Meditation, yoga, weight lifting and a technology free setting outside of work are all good stress relievers.

DocMcStuffins

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2018, 08:01:54 PM »
Where he is in life is important. Sometimes even if making good money you look around and say “is this it?” I suspect he is in his late 30s to early 40s.

Only things that I know statistically that make you happy
1. Gratitude (think of one daily)
2. Relationships (have people over 1x per week for diner or a coffe break with a friend weekly)
3. Giving (time or money)

I agree with exercise or even a walk. This effects me greatly.

A great little book that helped me was “the 5 minutes journal” and I am not a journaling kind of guy.
Loss of freedom from his work / responsibilities can mess with your head.

mspym

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2018, 08:40:24 PM »
In terms of low-spoons stress relief, walking punches above its weight. It has really helped me to book in a walk at lunchtime in my calendar. Just to get out of the office, get some fresh air and change my brain patterns up so I can tackle the afternoon. Similarly, even a walk around the block with my partner in the evening helps get us out of the house and moving as well as providing a space to talk about whatever is on our minds.

h82goslw

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #15 on: August 22, 2018, 05:56:00 AM »
Exercise and sex. Not in that order.

MDfive21

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #16 on: August 22, 2018, 08:25:35 AM »
make major changes to his intake.  the following is a recipe for reduction of inflammation and to get his insulin response in check.

is he eating bread, pasta, rice, cookies and cake?  stop eating all of those things and ramp up the steak, bacon and chocolate bars.  maintain a healthy intake of green leafy and cruciferous veg and drop legumes.

eat no more than 25g carb at a time and no more than 75g carb per day.

make a small, attainable goal of running around the neighborhood 3 times a week, or as needed for stress reduction.  as little as half a mile will do wonders for his physical and mental state.

Laserjet3051

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #17 on: August 22, 2018, 09:43:31 AM »
Dont have much to add over others advice but will throw my 2 cents on the pile:

More: Sex, exercise, meditation, gratitude, human relationships, & staying focused/present in the moment.

Less: work, thinking about the future, & stuff on the "to do" list

What are his passions? Does he regularly pursue/engage in them? Can he pursue them more vigorously? I try to and it makes a big difference. I'm a fanatical mountain biker. One day, while daydreaming about epic singletrack through uber-green temperate mountain rain forest, in an impulsive spontaneous & uncharacteristic fashion, I went and purchased a plane ticket to MTB the Olympic Peninsula the following week for a glorious 4 day weekend. It was EPIC and pure ecstasy. I transformed a mediocre day into a back to back white-knuckling 4 day adventure.

May2030

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2018, 09:59:14 AM »
I found mindfulness really helped at the peak of my work induced stress. Took a while but I ultimately realised stress and my response to it largely came from within.

TabbyCat

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #19 on: August 22, 2018, 01:42:55 PM »
Taking stuff off his plate actually might not help - what does he do with that freed up time? Sit around feeling stressed? Zone out like a lump? My SO generally get satisfaction/a sense of accomplishment and a little ego boost from completing chores around the house. It sounds like your husband's ego might be too tied up with his work, so how can he focus on getting satisfaction from not-work things?

Also, practice daily gratitude - we each list 3 things out loud to each other every night that we are grateful for, and it has made a big difference in my outlook on life, including work. Work isn't everything.

That's a really good point about getting satisfaction from a job completed, and at work a job is so rarely completed unless you're working a specific project or goal. He comes home tired and stressed and uninterested in doing chores, and right now I'm ok with taking that load instead of having a more equal balance, but there are some tasks I was planning to do myself (hang shelves, build a small Ikea furniture thing) that he might get satisfaction from doing on the weekend. I'll wait on those and ask if he could help out.

TabbyCat

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #20 on: August 22, 2018, 01:48:20 PM »
If he's not actively trying to un-stress his own life there's nothing you can do. It's up to him if he wants to change things. If he posts here people can give advice on how he can make work less stressful.

I agree that you ultimately are the only one responsible for yourself, but as a spouse I do want to provide support and suggestions to try to help. His stress also affects our kid, so I feel a parental obligation to try to nudge this in a better direction. I certainly can't make him do anything, but if I can help inspire him to take better care of his own needs, that's a win.

TabbyCat

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2018, 02:00:49 PM »
Thank you to everyone who responded! He agreed last night to pull the trigger on joining a gym - turns out his reluctance there was in giving up family time (I had no idea). He's feeling better about taking some time that's just about taking care of himself (not at work, not at home) and I think that's really good.

I've been meaning to start a family gratitude habit in the evening for awhile, for the toddler. We'll start doing that now, for everyone. Also looking forward to doing family walks again when the weather improves as we get closer to fall.

Will see if there is anything hobby related going on this weekend that he could check out, he has recently had a general check up (and is in his early 30s, so it's probably not aging related yet). I'm sure he'd pick more sex as the #1 best suggestion off the list also, haha.

swampwiz

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2018, 04:06:58 PM »
Looking for stress advice on behalf of my husband. He is feeling defeated and like life is one big miserable slog.

We can’t really address the root cause right now (work) - without going into an abundance of detail, work is stressful (high pressure, long hours, weekend work, etc), he can’t change jobs right now (contract), but he may get reassigned on short notice (would be a big pay cut and an ego blow so he's worried). Vacation time is not an option for the next few months. Ideas?

Wage slavery is so brutish.

I suggest you keep him supplied with readily available sex; it really is the overwhelming motivation for men.

MOD EDIT: Keep the sexism off the forums, please.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2018, 08:35:14 PM by arebelspy »

sanderh

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #23 on: August 30, 2018, 11:24:48 PM »
I have suggested getting some daily exercise
Exercise has proven benefits for stress, anxiety, depression etc. Brain chemistry changes in a measurable way. Ask if he is happy with his current mental state, and if not, ask *him* to do some research on how to change it. Solutions on a platter seem not to have worked for you so far.
"Your work is not your worth" is a quote I have found helpful.

chemistk

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #24 on: August 31, 2018, 05:56:21 AM »
I feel like your husband at times. About 2 years ago, I started going on daily walks - that was a good first step to relieving some stress so I'm glad to see he's getting exercise.

Some of the other comments on here are also good.

There's a book (well, audio book - walks and car rides are the best time for me to "read") I just read and then re-read that started to really take my stress down a notch. Of the number of books I've read, this one is the that actually got me to care about dealing with my own stress: "The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F**k".

You want a summary?: You're going to die one day, so why spend the incredibly short time you have caring and worrying about things that make you unhappy?

It's a fun, easy read (or listen - I actually recommend the audio book version over the print one). Even better, it's currently available on Scribd - sign up for a free trial, read it, and then cancel if you want.

lilsaver

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #25 on: August 31, 2018, 12:37:51 PM »
If he's willing, I would encourage seeing a therapist once a week. It could develop into something larger like depression or anxiety, and therapists are great listeners and are excellent at providing different perspectives. I also suggest:

-deep breathing
-keeping a journal, write down at least one thing you're grateful for everyday
-reading 2 books a month, with one of them being a fiction book
-less mindless interneting (if he does this)
-learning a new hobby (if can help take his mind elsewhere)
-recognizing when he's thinking negative thoughts (like i feel like my life is a miserable slog) and stopping it right there
-reinforce positive thinking.


I also recommend reading The Power of Now - great book.

deek

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #26 on: August 31, 2018, 12:43:54 PM »
I'm 26 and find the best things that control my anxiety/stress are organizing my life (planning, decluttering, meal prepping, etc) and physical activity (I belong to a gym, but this can include a walk, jog, stretching routine, anything that gets your heart pumping and mind off everything else. Works wonders over time. Make it a routine and after a couple weeks it becomes an obligation.

mm1970

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #27 on: August 31, 2018, 01:36:34 PM »
Looking for stress advice on behalf of my husband. He is feeling defeated and like life is one big miserable slog. I have suggested getting some daily exercise or at least a few times a week, taking time to read or play video games to relax, and trying to talk to people in addition to me (friends, family, counseling, anyone). He does eat well because I make all the meals, pack lunch, etc. I already do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare so there isn’t really anything I can offload from him.

We can’t really address the root cause right now (work) - without going into an abundance of detail, work is stressful (high pressure, long hours, weekend work, etc), he can’t change jobs right now (contract), but he may get reassigned on short notice (would be a big pay cut and an ego blow so he's worried). Vacation time is not an option for the next few months. Ideas?
1. Sleep
2. Exercise

I've been up and down in the last year.  My workplace is very stressful.  And about 9 months ago, I got "promoted" to a job that I didn't want, that was even more stressful.  And I didn't know what I was doing for a LONG time.  Still am learning things.  That is incredibly stressful.

The two things that are essential for managing my stress (I already eat well) are sleep and exercise.
I aim to get 8 hours a night, at least.  It means that I am often in bed, asleep, before the kids.

The other is exercise.  I have been signing up for half marathons, races, and running programs - because these days, I find that I'm much more likely to show up if I paid for it.  I'm making it a priority.  It really burns off a lot of the stress.  My schedule is such that I wake up at 5 am 4x a week.  I run 3 days, and go to a workout class on the fourth day (to help with running).  On Sundays, I meet my friend at the gym for an hour on the elliptical (gab fest) and some weight training.

On the non-alarm days, I often wake up naturally at 6 or 6:30, meaning I get 9 hours of sleep.


My husband is also super stressed at work.  Very busy.  About 1.5 years ago, it came to a head - and he was not getting enough sleep.  He's a night owl.  He likes his down time.  After the kids are in bed (9 or 9:30), he likes to watch TV and chill, so often is not in bed until 11 pm or later.  I just said "you need sleep".  He decided to stop setting the alarm for 5:30 am to go to the gym.  Well, that means he does not exercise anymore.  And he hasn't for 1.5 years.  I cannot make him do it.  He's an adult.  It's his decision.  HE has to decide to go to bed earlier AND get up to work out.  He doesn't.  He'd rather have the down time (which I do not get, unless you count running as down time).


SAR

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Re: Stress Busters – Advice Please!
« Reply #28 on: August 31, 2018, 09:51:44 PM »
In no particular order:

1. Cognitive behavioral therapy works, and you can do it yourself simply through reading and following advice for changing the way you think about events in your life;

2. Diet--eat as many whole plant foods as possible, and if you must eat animal products, get stuff that is pasturized/grass-fed--you want to avoid omega 6 fatty acids in favor of omega 3s;

3. Exercise--no need to join gyms, lift weights, run etc. Simply go outside and walk. The more the better (the vitamin D from sunlight is important);

4. Sleep--look into some recommendations for sleep hygiene and getting that as consistent as possible. There are a lists of recommendations, and they are easy to find;

5. Find a relaxing hobby. Astronomy, hiking, cycling all work to reduce my stress;

6. Schedule time off, and plan things to do with that time off so that you don't spend it thinking about tasks you should be doing at work.

7. Meditation--check for free apps. Again, good evidence that this works.

Failing all that, I strongly recommend Scotch.