Author Topic: Stay at home or push on?  (Read 3810 times)

backandforth

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Stay at home or push on?
« on: March 20, 2015, 02:56:37 PM »
We are expecting, and we know raising a child is not cheap.

Although the initial investment is not huge with Ikea furniture + hand-me-downs, the ongoing cost is likely to be high, day care, college savings, and might need to start hiring help with some house work like cleaning and yard work for a few years.
We have crunched the numbers, including tax implications, no change on house or car situation, and here is the dilemma:
A.   If we both work and pay for FT daycare and some help around the house, we will be FI in 4 years (baby turns 4)
B.   If I quit and stay at home, we will be FI in 6 years, while DH takes on all the money making pressure and I take on all the housework and majority of child raising
 
On the surface 4 vs. 6 years is not a big deal, but I am struggling with the following:

With option A, we will miss out some of the “most significant” early development years in our child’s life (according to some studies that’s 0-2 year old), we are first time parents so not a clue on how big a deal it really is, but we both work long hours today. We can have one year with baby FT before school starts and still in that really cute stage. I have not factored in any of the emotional stuff. I’ve heard some people can’t bear the thought of having “strangers” look after their child, not there yet so we don't know how to feel. I was “raised by strangers” until school age but turned out OK, but I do feel my relationship with my parents are not as close as other people, but that might have nothing to do with the “early years” lack of attention. Deep down another selfish reason is that I hate my job and can't wait to get out!

With option B, there are risks associated with one income family. If something goes wrong with his job or economy in general, the whole FI plan can fall apart. I would have to re-enter the workforce likely at the much lower pay. Plus I can’t fathom the huge change from working professional to full time SAHM on duty 24/7 without defined monetary contribution.

The other option is to work part time, but part time daycare is more like 70% of full time daycare cost where I live, we still do a little better money wise compared to one income, and it gives the option to return work FT down the road if needed. I would have gone this route without hesitation, did I mention I hate my current job? Finding a new professional level job but on part time basis is easier said than done in my line of work.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Please tell me kids don’t remember anything before they turn 3! LOL
Perhaps that way I can get a new FT job hopefully I like more, establish in a year or 2 then have the option to switch between PT and FT down the road if desired.

WESTOFTHEHUDSON

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2015, 03:36:29 PM »
Would you be happy at home? It's not always what one expects. I have worked and been at home. I prefer to work but in terms of childcare its easier for me to be at home (plus I am back in school taking a few classes to enter a new career field).

Without knowing what your husband's line of work is or the possibility of him losing employment. I would base the decision on the more solid variables of daycare costs and what would make you happy. The difference of two years seems small to me in order to be at home. It sounds like it might be easier to get a full time daycare spot and if you feel you are missing a lot of at home stuff then lose the job. But since you already don't like the job, my vote is to stay home. I supplement our one income household with some part time waitressing. I love it! I get out of the house, chat with people, skip bedtime on occasion and there is no childcare cose as my spouse is home weekends/evenings. I only work when it's convenient for me and it's a nice way to pad up our accounts for certain goals we have while not being a big commitmtent.

Not sure if this helps but it's my two cents.

Retire-Canada

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2015, 03:50:12 PM »

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Based on what you have written I'd stay home with the kid. 2 extra years is not a big deal.

I would not worry about all the "what if's?" they are endless and can keep you working forever [almost] as there is an infinite supply of potential problems that you can "solve" by continuing to work.

Stay home with the kid. Don't worry about your FI plan.

If and when something needs to change worry about the specific problem you are facing and solve it.

You'll be fine.!

-- Vik

TheOldestYoungMan

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2015, 03:58:58 PM »
Both of my sisters stopped working with their first child.  One of them went back to work, because it turns out she didn't like taking care of a baby.

It was personally devastating to her to realize that she just couldn't be happy staying home with a baby.  Culturally, the possibility of being miserable with a small child at home just wasn't on her radar.  She felt like it made her a bad mother.  She still has guilt over this, more than 16 years later. 

I know this phenomenon is widespread among the general population, as every coworker I've ever had who had a newborn at home suddenly found that 5:00 was too early to head home.  They "needed" to catch up at work for a couple of extra hours.

So taking care of kids is work.  If you do it well, it won't cost that much.  This is like people who figure out how to look presentable at work without buying expensive "work clothes," and manage to stay well fed at work without eating at restaurants.  If you don't do it well, it will be expensive.

By the time you're having your fifth or sixth child, you'll be totally fine leaving the youngsters velcro-d to the wall while you run errands.  Conning some stranger into looking after the little demons in exchange for some measley dollars will be as nothing.

mm1970

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2015, 04:05:53 PM »
We are expecting, and we know raising a child is not cheap.

Although the initial investment is not huge with Ikea furniture + hand-me-downs, the ongoing cost is likely to be high, day care, college savings, and might need to start hiring help with some house work like cleaning and yard work for a few years.
We have crunched the numbers, including tax implications, no change on house or car situation, and here is the dilemma:
A.   If we both work and pay for FT daycare and some help around the house, we will be FI in 4 years (baby turns 4)
B.   If I quit and stay at home, we will be FI in 6 years, while DH takes on all the money making pressure and I take on all the housework and majority of child raising
 
On the surface 4 vs. 6 years is not a big deal, but I am struggling with the following:

With option A, we will miss out some of the “most significant” early development years in our child’s life (according to some studies that’s 0-2 year old), we are first time parents so not a clue on how big a deal it really is, but we both work long hours today. We can have one year with baby FT before school starts and still in that really cute stage. I have not factored in any of the emotional stuff. I’ve heard some people can’t bear the thought of having “strangers” look after their child, not there yet so we don't know how to feel. I was “raised by strangers” until school age but turned out OK, but I do feel my relationship with my parents are not as close as other people, but that might have nothing to do with the “early years” lack of attention. Deep down another selfish reason is that I hate my job and can't wait to get out!

With option B, there are risks associated with one income family. If something goes wrong with his job or economy in general, the whole FI plan can fall apart. I would have to re-enter the workforce likely at the much lower pay. Plus I can’t fathom the huge change from working professional to full time SAHM on duty 24/7 without defined monetary contribution.

The other option is to work part time, but part time daycare is more like 70% of full time daycare cost where I live, we still do a little better money wise compared to one income, and it gives the option to return work FT down the road if needed. I would have gone this route without hesitation, did I mention I hate my current job? Finding a new professional level job but on part time basis is easier said than done in my line of work.

What would you do if you were in my shoes? Please tell me kids don’t remember anything before they turn 3! LOL
Perhaps that way I can get a new FT job hopefully I like more, establish in a year or 2 then have the option to switch between PT and FT down the road if desired.
Well, kids don't remember anything before 3, LOL!

It depends on your personality.

First: 4 vs 6 is no big deal.

"With option A, we will miss out some of the “most significant” early development years in our child’s life (according to some studies that’s 0-2 year old), we are first time parents so not a clue on how big a deal it really is, but we both work long hours today. " - You aren't missing out.  The child isn't in a foster home, or on a different planet.  You see him (or her) every. single. day.  For hours a day (and night).  And all the time on weekends, sick days, holidays, vacation days.  Really, it's >50% of the time when you think of that.

Also, rethink the long hours.  Trust me, you probably won't be able to maintain that schedule in the beginning (nor will you want to, you'll be too tired!)

"I’ve heard some people can’t bear the thought of having “strangers” look after their child, not there yet so we don't know how to feel. " - Childcare providers are strangers for about a week (even less, sometimes - my current childcare provider is a very good friend).

With option B, there are risks associated with one income family. If something goes wrong with his job or economy in general, the whole FI plan can fall apart. I would have to re-enter the workforce likely at the much lower pay. Plus I can’t fathom the huge change from working professional to full time SAHM on duty 24/7 without defined monetary contribution. - Yep, this is a risk.  Only you can decide how much of a risk, based on your own situation.  Why do you think you would re-enter the work force at a *much* lower pay?  That may be true if you are out of work for 3-4 years, but is unlikely if it is 1-2 years.  How many contacts do you have in your industry?

The other option is to work part time, but part time daycare is more like 70% of full time daycare cost where I live, we still do a little better money wise compared to one income, and it gives the option to return work FT down the road if needed. - This would be my choice, and was, for a few years (I have two children).  I am risk averse, and I enjoy working.  But I found trying to work full time was exhausting (still is).  When I was working 80%, I was paying 100% child care.  BUT the family as a whole was a lot more sane - you can do a LOT at home in 8 hours a week.

did I mention I hate my current job? - This is the crux of it right here.  I think this will affect your decision.  And in my experience, almost any industry it's hard to GET a part time job - much easier to cut hours in a current job.

Good luck.

fartface

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2015, 04:18:28 PM »
I stayed home with my babies for six years which will delay my FIRE date by 3 years. No regrets whatsoever! Being on one income for six years changed my mindset about spending (this was wayyy before MMM). Once I returned to work full-time, we continued to live on just one salary while saving the other.

firewalker

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2015, 04:40:47 PM »
Whatever course you choose, make your child's well being top priority and your personal goals secondary. Choosing to be a parent is easy. Caring for a child is all about unselfishness.

backandforth

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2015, 05:07:22 PM »
Thanks all for the input and sharing your personal experience. I think I am going to milk my paid maternity leave as much as possible, maybe demand several more months of unpaid leave, to a point where I can see if I am stay at home material or not (6 month enough to tell?) If I do a good job and love it, quit that is. If I am stressed and turn out making everybody suffers with me, a new job is probably in order!

MikeBear

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2015, 05:17:21 PM »
Check with your company. Maybe after paid maternity leave, they'll let you work from home if you think you can handle both that and a baby.

PharmaStache

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2015, 05:24:48 PM »
Thanks all for the input and sharing your personal experience. I think I am going to milk my paid maternity leave as much as possible, maybe demand several more months of unpaid leave, to a point where I can see if I am stay at home material or not (6 month enough to tell?) If I do a good job and love it, quit that is. If I am stressed and turn out making everybody suffers with me, a new job is probably in order!

Good plan!  I could certainly tell after 6 months that I was not cut out to be a SAHM (I had a 1 year mat leave in Canada).

MayDay

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Re: Stay at home or push on?
« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2015, 08:15:26 PM »
My advice would be to negotiate a part time schedule now, and plan to go back part time (get on childcare wait lists!). Then, take the longest possible maternity leave, and commit to going back to work for at least a month.  If you hate it after a month, quit.  But you may find that you love the chance to have adult interaction and a break from a baby who is either a blob or constantly screaming. 

I went back part time and it was insanely hard- but then it got easier, and I got to have adult time and be not just a mommy.  I got to do amazing things like send the baby to daycare when I was sick, and be ALONE IN MY HOUSE.  However, I could never have hacked it full time!  I was working 3 days a week.  Then I stayed home completely after kid 2.  So I've done both.  Staying home full time is really hard for some people.