Author Topic: Share your kitchen disasters...  (Read 60386 times)

mm1970

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #50 on: February 08, 2016, 02:22:38 PM »
ask my husband about the carrot souffle.  I'd had some and decided to try making it.  I didn't know how to cook, and didn't understand the whole point in separating eggs if you are just going to mix them back together again...

And this red lentil pasta.  I saw it on TV, from a cookbook by Mollie Katzen (who I normally love).  Bought the cookbook.  Made that recipe years later - now, it's the only reason I bought the book.

It. Was. Awful.  Pasty and boring and bland and gross.


Also back when I didn't cook, I decided to make a veggie burger for dinner.  Two were stuck together.  I used a knife to separate...whoops, sliced open my hand.  Went to the army base for stitches...and for a tetanus...and did I mention that it was the night before my 8 hour Professional Engineer's exam??  (Yes I passed)

mm1970

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #51 on: February 08, 2016, 02:26:42 PM »
I had some success using zucchini in cookies (kind of like zucchini bread). Inspired by that, I thought surely I could do the same with okra from the garden. Cookies went into the oven. Cookies came out of the oven, warm. Cookies cooled down, and tasted - ummm, a bit okra-y. Then, inexplicably, the cookies began warming up again. By the next morning, the okrosity had intensified and the tupperware they were in was hot to the touch. My husband still refers to them as the thermonuclear cookies. My mother suggested okra cookies were such a bad idea that they decided on their own to just begin the composting process immediately.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying

RWD

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #52 on: February 08, 2016, 02:44:02 PM »
I'm not usually this bad, but yesterday my boyfriend referred to me as "The Burninator."

Trogdor?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gz1DIIxmEE

Reynold

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #53 on: February 08, 2016, 02:47:13 PM »
Had a friend in college who tried to make blueberry pancakes, but didn't realize you were supposed to wait to add the blueberries until after using the mixer to mix the other ingredients.  We called them "blue-green algae pancakes". 

But the hardest I laughed was at another friend who tried making peanut brittle.  Being students, we didn't have fancy candy thermometers so he just guessed at when it was the right temperature to pour onto the baking sheet.  Apparently it was still too low, or too high, or something because it flowed across the sheet.  And counter.  And stove.  And floor. 

And finally, carrot daiquiris; not as good an idea as they may sound late at night when you have run out of other daiquiri ingredients because, well, you have been making and drinking daiquiris. . .

BFGirl

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #54 on: February 08, 2016, 02:47:37 PM »
I learned that some spices can be toasted, but trying that with dried hot peppers is more akin to some sort of volatilized weapon than food.

OMG...almost busted a gut at this one...

freezerburn

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #55 on: February 08, 2016, 02:58:13 PM »
I'm not usually this bad, but yesterday my boyfriend referred to me as "The Burninator."

Trogdor?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gz1DIIxmEE

The very same.
"Burninating the brussels sprouts, burninating the baconnnn...."

BFGirl

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #56 on: February 08, 2016, 03:01:37 PM »
best thread ever!!!

When I was a teenager, sometimes I would try different stuff.  I'm 48 and still teased about the cloves I put in the peas...

Sylly

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #57 on: February 08, 2016, 08:43:49 PM »
Was steaming broccoli in a sauce pan, using a metallic steamer 'tray' that's intended for a rice cooker. Left it on the stove to heat the water and promptly forgot about it. Remembered it when I smelled burning smells. All the water has long evaporated by then, the broccolis burnt and stuck to the steamer tray, which in turn is stuck to the non-stick pan. The whole thing went into the trash.

Was given an individual quiche / tart pan, with removeable bottoms. I had the brilliant idea of using it to bake brownies so I get more edges! Poured the batter into the pan just fine, but once heated in the oven, it started leaking from the bottom and made a pile of burned mess at the bottom of the oven. And whatever's left in the pan turned rock hard due to the absence of most of the liquid...

seanc0x0

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #58 on: February 09, 2016, 07:30:24 AM »
Only yesterday I started a grease fire in my kitchen. I turned on a burner under a skillet with congealed bacon grease in it intending to melt it enough to pour it out before scrubbing the pan. Then I left the room and got distracted... I noticed the smoke and ran into the kitchen just in time to see the whole pan catch fire (it made a FWOOMPF! sound). Three-foot flames. Tried smothering it, didn't work and just spewed hot grease everywhere, spent frantic seconds hunting for the baking soda, and put it out. My little house was filled with smoke. Nary a peep from the smoke alarm, which it turns out is in a spot weirdly shielded from the stove. I had to open all the windows and doors and turn on the fans for over an hour and it still smelled. We had a rack full of laundry drying in another room that now smells like burned grease.


You've just reminded me I need to put my smoke detector back up. We got a new one not too long ago, and the so-called hush button does nothing. I can say that while 10 year internal batteries sound like a great idea, all the battery in the world is useless if it just results in the smoke detector getting shoved in the linen closet so it will shut up!

I wish I'd I remembered I needed to clean my oven before using it again after a spill a couple days ago. At least it's unusually warm for February, so we could open the windows.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #59 on: February 09, 2016, 09:03:47 AM »
Only yesterday I started a grease fire in my kitchen. I turned on a burner under a skillet with congealed bacon grease in it intending to melt it enough to pour it out before scrubbing the pan. Then I left the room and got distracted... I noticed the smoke and ran into the kitchen just in time to see the whole pan catch fire (it made a FWOOMPF! sound). Three-foot flames. Tried smothering it, didn't work and just spewed hot grease everywhere, spent frantic seconds hunting for the baking soda, and put it out. My little house was filled with smoke. Nary a peep from the smoke alarm, which it turns out is in a spot weirdly shielded from the stove. I had to open all the windows and doors and turn on the fans for over an hour and it still smelled. We had a rack full of laundry drying in another room that now smells like burned grease.


You've just reminded me I need to put my smoke detector back up. We got a new one not too long ago, and the so-called hush button does nothing. I can say that while 10 year internal batteries sound like a great idea, all the battery in the world is useless if it just results in the smoke detector getting shoved in the linen closet so it will shut up!

I wish I'd I remembered I needed to clean my oven before using it again after a spill a couple days ago. At least it's unusually warm for February, so we could open the windows.

!!!! We've had this problem too, with the 10 year battery ones. 2 different units in our rental, go off at the SLIGHTEST provocation (hi, openening bathroom door after a shower), and the hush button doesn't work.

What finally did it is when one went off in our bedroom in the middle of the night. DH had a panic attack, and the dog had a seizure. NOT OKAY. We finally asked for a Nest smoke alarm as a gift. The 10 year detectors are in paper towels, in plastic bags, under towels, at the back of the linen closet, and will go back up when we move out.

seanc0x0

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #60 on: February 09, 2016, 09:52:39 AM »
You've just reminded me I need to put my smoke detector back up. We got a new one not too long ago, and the so-called hush button does nothing. I can say that while 10 year internal batteries sound like a great idea, all the battery in the world is useless if it just results in the smoke detector getting shoved in the linen closet so it will shut up!

I wish I'd I remembered I needed to clean my oven before using it again after a spill a couple days ago. At least it's unusually warm for February, so we could open the windows.

!!!! We've had this problem too, with the 10 year battery ones. 2 different units in our rental, go off at the SLIGHTEST provocation (hi, openening bathroom door after a shower), and the hush button doesn't work.

What finally did it is when one went off in our bedroom in the middle of the night. DH had a panic attack, and the dog had a seizure. NOT OKAY. We finally asked for a Nest smoke alarm as a gift. The 10 year detectors are in paper towels, in plastic bags, under towels, at the back of the linen closet, and will go back up when we move out.

Are they Kidde? Seems to be a common problem I wish I'd known about before buying. I'm planning to replace it, since un-hushable false alarms that result in me taking the thing down then forgetting to put it back up are a great way to die horribly in a fire.  Time to do some research I guess.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #61 on: February 09, 2016, 09:59:29 AM »
You've just reminded me I need to put my smoke detector back up. We got a new one not too long ago, and the so-called hush button does nothing. I can say that while 10 year internal batteries sound like a great idea, all the battery in the world is useless if it just results in the smoke detector getting shoved in the linen closet so it will shut up!

I wish I'd I remembered I needed to clean my oven before using it again after a spill a couple days ago. At least it's unusually warm for February, so we could open the windows.

!!!! We've had this problem too, with the 10 year battery ones. 2 different units in our rental, go off at the SLIGHTEST provocation (hi, openening bathroom door after a shower), and the hush button doesn't work.

What finally did it is when one went off in our bedroom in the middle of the night. DH had a panic attack, and the dog had a seizure. NOT OKAY. We finally asked for a Nest smoke alarm as a gift. The 10 year detectors are in paper towels, in plastic bags, under towels, at the back of the linen closet, and will go back up when we move out.

Are they Kidde? Seems to be a common problem I wish I'd known about before buying. I'm planning to replace it, since un-hushable false alarms that result in me taking the thing down then forgetting to put it back up are a great way to die horribly in a fire.  Time to do some research I guess.

Yep, Kidde! I just checked.

How on earth did those get on the market?

Lis

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #62 on: February 09, 2016, 10:43:14 AM »
Oh my god this thread is amazing.

The first time I made chicken thighs in my (new to me) cast iron skillet, they turned out amazing. I mean, seriously, I felt like a five star chef. I followed a recipe to the t and it was incredible. A few weeks later, I want to make it again, but I can't find the recipe! Oh well, I remember it well enough... it was just chicken broth, wine, and a bit of butter, right? Something like that... oops, no broth, so more wine and butter! What seasonings did I put on it? Um... let's just try some of this, this seems right. Did I cook it skin side down or up first before flipping? Erm...

The result was butter chicken with chewy skin. Not terrible, but it was so much better when I knew what I was doing.

I tried to make mocha chocolate cake for my mom once. I was a young teen and I'm fairly certain it was the first time she let me use the kitchen without her supervision. There's a reason she still doesn't let me use her appliances anymore.

I did have a strange success story the other night. A while ago I made some sort of cheddar broccoli rice bake with bacon that was delicious, and yet again, I lost the recipe. I'm going to figure it out anyway! I make a list of what I think I need that are pantry staples, and... well, let's just say I made some substitutions. Here's what could have gone wrong:
- Frozen farm bacon had been defrosted in the fridge for... a while. Not entirely sure how long. I cut open the bag and it smells fine, though the color might not be 100% right. I let my cats smell it and they're itching to take a bite, so I figure if they still want to eat it, it can't be that bad.
- No cheddar soup! I could totally use cream of chicken, right?
- No broccoli! I could totally use brussell sprouts, right?
- Only a little bit of cheddar cheese left... and it has some green spots. Just cut those right off and used the rest. Added a ton of parm cheese too.
- Let's add an onion because I only have one left.
- No white wine! I have half a cup of red wine left... does red wine and cheddar/parm go together? It does now!

I've been watching a lot of Chopped lately, so it got my creative juices flowing. It turned out... surprisingly not too terrible. I'd give it a 6.5/10.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #63 on: February 09, 2016, 10:53:10 AM »
My first attempt at rum cake basically can be explained by this:

https://youtu.be/qTyotI3IHFQ?t=2m30s

"Cream together the butter and sugar? I really don't know what that means... it must be a typo. They must mean 'cram together'"

PS- if you haven't watched My Drunk Kitchen, you're missing out!

MandalayVA

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #64 on: February 09, 2016, 11:54:47 AM »
My first attempt at rum cake basically can be explained by this:

https://youtu.be/qTyotI3IHFQ?t=2m30s

"Cream together the butter and sugar? I really don't know what that means... it must be a typo. They must mean 'cram together'"

PS- if you haven't watched My Drunk Kitchen, you're missing out!

I love My Drunk Kitchen, even if sometimes it hits a little too close to home, LOL.

shadesofgreen

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #65 on: February 09, 2016, 12:14:11 PM »
I don't like the texture of oatmeal at all it just feels gross in my mouth but I wanted to attempt to eat better so I thought I would make my own in the crockpot using Alton Brown's recipe....Nope. It was still gross and mushy so I attempted to "firm it up" by putting it in a baking dish and sticking it in the oven. Even after baking it on 425 for over 45 minutes it still was a sloopy, gloopy mess. Plus attempting to transfer and move the product I managed to get splatters all over the kitchen. I was finding clumps of dry hardened oatmeal for days.

The only good oatmeal is in a baked product like cookies or bars.

Lizzy B.

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #66 on: February 09, 2016, 12:26:26 PM »
These are fantastic!  Thank you so much for sharing these.  Iím laughing so hard Iím crying.  To contribute to the general hilarity (not that I can come anywhere near to topping the thermonuclear okra cookies or the duck flambe gone awry) I can share some of my own kitchen disasters.

For a 4th of July party in college, Iíd planned to grill burgers on an outdoor communal grill.  Unfortunately, it rained all day.  I didnít feel like standing over a damp grill getting soaked while my friends partied in my apartment, so I had the bright idea to cook them in the oven under the broiler instead.  Since we were in college these were cheap (read fatty) burgers.  I also hadnít yet used the oven in this apartment and didnít know it hadnít been properly cleaned in a while.  Not long after putting the burgers in, they ignited and started burning.  Being trained in the ways of science, I figured turning off the oven and keeping the oven door shut would eventually kill the flames as the oxygen was consumed.  While I still donít think that this was a terrible idea, college apartment ovens apparently arenít well sealed, so the flames showed no signs of letting up.  We all then had the bright idea to take the tray of burning burgers outside where the rain could put them out.  Thankfully, this worked and nobody got bad grease burns and no clothing or furniture was set on fire.  Oddly enough, the smoke alarm didnít go off during thisÖ

As a previous poster has mentioned, care must be taken while handling hot peppers with bare hands.  As a child, Iíd played with a beautiful chile ristra, gotten hot oils all over my hands, and promptly rubbed my eyes.  That experience was enough to ensure that Iím always careful not to touch my eyes with hands that may have handled something spicy.  That experience alone wasnít enough, however, to protect me from jalapeno hangnail.  A friend and I cut up nearly a gallon of jalapenos she got from her CSA.  I thought nothing of it until about 30 minutes later when our cuticles and under our fingernails began to burn.  Badly.  Cue frantic soapy hand washing:  No help.  Try dilution with other oils like olive or canola: no improvement. Immersion in milk:  no relief.  Finally, soaking our fingertips in vodka seemed to help a little.  Alcohol to the rescue!

Also, it turns out that spices donít need to by capsaicin-based to be lethal when volatilized.  Ask me how I knowÖ  Most Indian recipes Iíve used call for the spices to be added to the hot oil, stirred briefly to toast the spices and release the yummy stuff into the cooking oil, and then other ingredients are added for their cooking time and to cool down the spices.  Turns out, you canít let that oil get too hot before adding the spices, and you need to add the other food pretty quickly to stop the spices from cooking.  Otherwise, itíll just keep releasing increasingly pungentóthen painfulófumes.  Iíd always considered turmeric to be pretty benign, but one or two teaspoons was enough to cause intense coughing and force an evacuation and intense ventilation of my kitchen.  Of course, this happened during preparations for my first dinner party with my boss and his wife.  They seemed a little confused when we were chilling on the front porch, coughing and gasping, when they arrived.

Lis

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #67 on: February 09, 2016, 12:55:10 PM »
This is when I learned about the magic of dryer sheets for removing burnt crud from crockpots.

What is this magic which you speak of??

NYCWife

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #68 on: February 09, 2016, 01:16:28 PM »
I don't like the texture of oatmeal at all it just feels gross in my mouth but I wanted to attempt to eat better so I thought I would make my own in the crockpot using Alton Brown's recipe....Nope. It was still gross and mushy so I attempted to "firm it up" by putting it in a baking dish and sticking it in the oven. Even after baking it on 425 for over 45 minutes it still was a sloopy, gloopy mess. Plus attempting to transfer and move the product I managed to get splatters all over the kitchen. I was finding clumps of dry hardened oatmeal for days.

The only good oatmeal is in a baked product like cookies or bars.

Oh, I might actually have a recipe for you. This is from my favorite food blogger (not the weird website with bland ramen). I've cooked it before and can vouch for its tastiness.

Behold, I present: baked oatmeal Yumminess of dessert; healthiness of breakfast, no weird gloop . . . .
http://www.howsweeteats.com/2012/03/strawberry-banana-cream-baked-oatmeal-squares/

celticmyst08

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #69 on: February 09, 2016, 01:25:28 PM »
I grew up learning to cook alongside my mom so I learned from most of her mistakes. Stove fires, exploding crockpots, swapping baking soda for powder, etc... I have yet to have any of these disasters! (Thanks Mom <3)

My worst disaster was actually at a friend's house. She had just gotten back from a trip to the Middle East and brought back a bunch of delicious spices, including these tiny little dried hot peppers that you could crumble up and sprinkle on falafels. We made our falafels, pita, etc, and they were delicious. Then I touched my eye. OOPS. Good lord, the pain was like nothing I've ever experienced. It felt like red hot pokers were being jabbed into my eyes.

It took me several hours of sobbing and rinsing my eyes out with water before they stopped burning. Never again.

Now I wear gloves whenever I touch any remotely hot substance.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2016, 01:29:50 PM by celticmyst08 »

gt7152b

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #70 on: February 09, 2016, 01:28:25 PM »
Let's see... the first time I worked with chocolate, I tried to melt it in a double boiler and I think it seized from getting steam into it or something. At any rate, it was lumpy and I assumed it just wasn't melting, so I then proceeded to heat it for so long it burned. Yes, I seized AND burned the same 8 ounces of chocolate. Finally we just said "well, it's not melting, let's just put it in the recipe anyway," and it came out pretty well aside from tasting like burned chocolate. :-/



I was going to make some homemade chocolate ice cream and needed to melt some baker's chocolate. The microwave seemed like the perfect way to get it done fast. Big mistake. It didn't melt, just burned. Hated throwing out that expensive chocolate but at least we had extra to melt in a pot on the stove instead.

The_path_less_taken

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #71 on: February 09, 2016, 01:35:17 PM »
While dating a Marine who really liked "spicy" food, I made my biggest soup pot of bouillabaisse---shrimp/crab/oysters/even a lobster. At the end he wanted it spiced up more so we threw an entire heaping tablespoon of Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce in it.

Neither one of us could eat it. Broke my heart, all that expensive seafood down the drain.

As a teen made my first curry so hot the family wouldn't eat it, so added honey to it and they could then get it down: adding sweet to hot sometimes helps. 

Now that I have chickens though, they'll eat anything.

Lanthiriel

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #72 on: February 09, 2016, 01:55:28 PM »
I recently decided to make a crock pot chicken and dumpling recipe that had so few ingredients, it looked too good to be true. It was. After throwing the biscuit dough in, the "dumplings" wouldn't cook, so I cranked up the heat and an hour later wound up with a structurally unsound chicken loaf.

SunshineAZ

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #73 on: February 09, 2016, 02:01:00 PM »
I love this thread!  My mom worked a lot so was not much of a cook so I only decided that I really needed to learn how to cook about 7 years ago. I know I have several, but I can only think of 2 recent ones. 

I had my DHs family over for a BBQ and decided after dinner to whip up some brownies.  Well I was a bit distracted while I was mixing them up, but I finished mixing and put them in the oven.  About 15 minutes later, I was like, why are these eggs sitting on the counter...OOOPS.. those were supposed to go in the brownie batter!!!  LOL  So, out of curiosity, I just let them finish cooking to see what the results would be like.  Basically it was like "brownie crumble", it didn't taste bad, but the texture was dry and crumbly.  I ended up saving it and using it as an ice cream topping, which wasn't too bad. 

The other one was this weekend, I had never made german potato salad before, and it sounded good, so I looked up an online recipe.  I doubled the recipe, and added the vinegar, sugar, etc., but it seemed like a lot of sugar, so I only put in the original amount of sugar.  I should have listened to my gut, for some reason even with just the original amount, it was waaaay too much sugar, and it completely overpowered the vinegar.  I tried adding more vinegar, but you could still mostly taste the sugar.    They weren't horrible, but they weren't the flavor I was hoping for. 

Oh and I will add one from my childhood.  My mom made swiss steak, which was one of my favorites, so I took a great big bite expecting my favorite dish, instead I got a mouth full of very hot sauce.  I about choked and I think I even spit it out saying "mom, this is really hot" and she told me I was being a picky eater or something like that, and then my dad took a bite and said, "ummmm, she is right!"  It turns out that my mom was shopping at the local mexican grocery store and bought cans of, what she thought was tomato sauce, but was really hot sauce.  My mom:  "Well it had pictures of tomatoes on the can".  Needless to say, we did not eat it, I think it was even too hot for the dog. 

Hopefully I can think of some more later.  :)
« Last Edit: February 09, 2016, 02:03:22 PM by SunshineAZ »

galliver

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #74 on: February 09, 2016, 02:41:56 PM »
I learned that some spices can be toasted, but trying that with dried hot peppers is more akin to some sort of volatilized weapon than food.

I found good looking tuna on sale in college and was excited to make seared tuna. But it would be better with a garlic-jalapeno crust, right? >_< I feel ya on the weapon thing.

On a sort of related note, a year ago over the holidays, my mom made a vegetable casserole with whatever was in the fridge (green beans, squashes, etc). I take a bite, absentmindedly, and my mouth *explodes*. I don't remember if I yelled unintelligibly or if my eyes teared up or if I jumped up for water first, but everyone stared at me for like 3 minutes before I could talk. Apparently found a small green pepper in the fridge while clearing it out. Asked my sister if she should put it in. Sister said yes. So my mom put it in. Whole. I was the "lucky" one. My bf was kind of jealous because he actually *likes* the spicy stuff.

I added fiber powder to tomato soup. Don't...do that. Unless you like slime.

Of course, nothing can beat "thermonuclear cookies" or cough-syrup baked beans...

Miss Prim

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #75 on: February 09, 2016, 03:37:29 PM »
Well, the running joke in our family about my cooking was "When the smoke alarm goes off, we don't know whether to sit down for dinner or run out of the house!"

That about sums up my cooking!

                                                                                    Miss Prim

SweetTPie

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #76 on: February 09, 2016, 07:41:29 PM »
The summer I turned 13, my Mom went out to be with my Grandma as she passed.  Seeing as Dad was working, my older brother and I made dinner when he was on his way home, so it would be ready when he got in.  One night we were making sloppy joes, and when we opened the can of tomato paste, it exploded.  I don't mean got a little on the counter, or tipped over.  I mean, the walls, the ceiling... my Mom was finding tomato paste for more than 10 years afterwards.  When they remodeled the kitchen, there was tomato paste behind the fridge that was on the other side of the kitchen.  So, being a good kid, I put the paste into the sloppy joes, and my brother and I proceed to start cleaning the kitchen before Dad got home.

Dad gets home, and we settle down at the kitchen table.  The routine was that plates would get dished up, prayers said, and then we would start eating.  Well, Dad's setting out the food, and I'm telling him all about how the paste !exploded!  He just stops, reaches over, picks up our plates, and says "We're going out for dinner.  Get your shoes."

And this is how I learned about botulism.

So now it's often referred to in one of two ways:
The Great Exploding Tomato Paste Episode!.... or, How I Almost Made Grandma's Funeral a Family Affair.

rockstache

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #77 on: February 09, 2016, 08:04:53 PM »
Awesome thread!

I'm a strict recipe follower, so for the most part my kitchen disasters aren't related to taste. They are related to clumsiness, which is my specialty. You name it, I have dropped it. Gallons of milk, large sized Greek yogurt (the watery kind that separates), dozen eggs...and so on. When I drop things they are almost always liquid, and they spread into the far corners of the house to be wiped up for months to come. We should probably get a dog, he would live the BEST life.

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #78 on: February 09, 2016, 11:23:42 PM »
The summer I turned 13, my Mom went out to be with my Grandma as she passed.  Seeing as Dad was working, my older brother and I made dinner when he was on his way home, so it would be ready when he got in.  One night we were making sloppy joes, and when we opened the can of tomato paste, it exploded.  I don't mean got a little on the counter, or tipped over.  I mean, the walls, the ceiling... my Mom was finding tomato paste for more than 10 years afterwards.  When they remodeled the kitchen, there was tomato paste behind the fridge that was on the other side of the kitchen.  So, being a good kid, I put the paste into the sloppy joes, and my brother and I proceed to start cleaning the kitchen before Dad got home.

Dad gets home, and we settle down at the kitchen table.  The routine was that plates would get dished up, prayers said, and then we would start eating.  Well, Dad's setting out the food, and I'm telling him all about how the paste !exploded!  He just stops, reaches over, picks up our plates, and says "We're going out for dinner.  Get your shoes."

And this is how I learned about botulism.

So now it's often referred to in one of two ways:
The Great Exploding Tomato Paste Episode!.... or, How I Almost Made Grandma's Funeral a Family Affair.

Such nice kids you were. Thrify and honest to a fault... :D Your story is one of my favorites in this thread.

JJNL

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #79 on: February 10, 2016, 12:27:30 AM »
God, this thread is hilarious! I've been laughing out loud all the way through :)... Sadly, I don't have anything to share on par with thermonuclear cookies or a Duckferno - I am either a very lucky or a rather intuitive cook. However, I do have these:

- store was out of regular red peppers, so I bought Mme Jeanette peppers and used the same amount in my pumpkin soup. BIG mistake - they're a LOT stronger. Tried everything to tone it down, as it was a huge batch and utterly inedible (and I normally like spicy food), but to no avail. Adding sugar, adding yogurt, adding alcohol, adding coconut milk - nothing I tried got it down from nuclear to edible. So in the end I gave up, flushed it down the toilet and had frozen pizza instead.

- I'm big on making soup. This often requires using one of those hand-held mixer thingies in order to puree / blend it. If you don't do that carefully, you get a mini-soup-explosion. I am quite clumsy, and have managed to get soup all over me, the stove, the wall and the ceiling on rather more than one occasion. Thank god the ceiling's covered with plastic siding, so at least it's easy to clean...

- wanted to soften op Nutella for crepes in the microwave. Apparently left an infinitesmal bit of the metally papery stuff that covers the paste when the pot is still new on it. Cue explosion in microwave and burnt-tasting Nutella.

Lis

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #80 on: February 10, 2016, 07:40:05 AM »
So now it's often referred to in one of two ways:
The Great Exploding Tomato Paste Episode!.... or, How I Almost Made Grandma's Funeral a Family Affair.

Oh no... this made me snort coffee through my nose. It shouldn't be funny, but...

- wanted to soften op Nutella for crepes in the microwave. Apparently left an infinitesmal bit of the metally papery stuff that covers the paste when the pot is still new on it. Cue explosion in microwave and burnt-tasting Nutella.

I once left a fork in a bowl I was using to reheat food. I remember staring at it, fascinated by the sparks (I was maybe 8 or so). Didn't understand why my mom threw open the door and kicked me out of the kitchen. Probably another reason I'm still not allowed to cook for her.

onehair

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #81 on: February 10, 2016, 09:51:30 AM »
Tried to make a ginger ale cake when I was a teen and decided to be thrifty and use the flour that my mom had left over from another dish.  Unfortunately the dish in question used flour that was seasoned for chicken...sweet but spicy and not in a good way.

Also attempted a peach cake that turned out tasteless and rubbery when I was little I still don't remember what I did wrong.
Granola that stuck to the piepan which had to be thrown out that was quite recent.  Irony was that the bits I dug out were good...

BFGirl

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #82 on: February 10, 2016, 10:18:44 AM »
Let's see... the first time I worked with chocolate, I tried to melt it in a double boiler and I think it seized from getting steam into it or something. At any rate, it was lumpy and I assumed it just wasn't melting, so I then proceeded to heat it for so long it burned. Yes, I seized AND burned the same 8 ounces of chocolate. Finally we just said "well, it's not melting, let's just put it in the recipe anyway," and it came out pretty well aside from tasting like burned chocolate. :-/



I was going to make some homemade chocolate ice cream and needed to melt some baker's chocolate. The microwave seemed like the perfect way to get it done fast. Big mistake. It didn't melt, just burned. Hated throwing out that expensive chocolate but at least we had extra to melt in a pot on the stove instead.

You can melt it in the microwave, but you have to do it in increments.  I usually start with 20-30 seconds.  Then you stir.  Then melt and stir in 10 second increments after that until it is completely melted.  Make sure everything is completely dry.  If you get water into it, the chocolate will clump.

mm1970

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #83 on: February 10, 2016, 10:36:43 AM »
The summer I turned 13, my Mom went out to be with my Grandma as she passed.  Seeing as Dad was working, my older brother and I made dinner when he was on his way home, so it would be ready when he got in.  One night we were making sloppy joes, and when we opened the can of tomato paste, it exploded.  I don't mean got a little on the counter, or tipped over.  I mean, the walls, the ceiling... my Mom was finding tomato paste for more than 10 years afterwards.  When they remodeled the kitchen, there was tomato paste behind the fridge that was on the other side of the kitchen.  So, being a good kid, I put the paste into the sloppy joes, and my brother and I proceed to start cleaning the kitchen before Dad got home.

Dad gets home, and we settle down at the kitchen table.  The routine was that plates would get dished up, prayers said, and then we would start eating.  Well, Dad's setting out the food, and I'm telling him all about how the paste !exploded!  He just stops, reaches over, picks up our plates, and says "We're going out for dinner.  Get your shoes."

And this is how I learned about botulism.

So now it's often referred to in one of two ways:
The Great Exploding Tomato Paste Episode!.... or, How I Almost Made Grandma's Funeral a Family Affair.
Gosh I'm glad this had a happy ending.

rockstache

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #84 on: February 10, 2016, 12:20:56 PM »
Our kitchen has no counter - none (see other thread about terrible apartment layouts), so we keep our microwave on top of the refrigerator. It is a bit high, but there is a small stepstool that I use. I can reach things, but I can't actually see in. I saw a youtube video about putting dried out makeup (Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner - which was an expensive but rarely used gift) in the microwave to soften it. The video said 30 seconds, but I was a bit wary so I went for 15. When I reached up for the small pot, it was approximately 1000įF and I immediately dropped it, causing the boiling hot black makeup to run down my arm and all over the kitchen/refrigerator/microwave. It dried within seconds, and would not come off without nail polish remover. I had a pretty bad burn but didn't go to the hospital, so not sure of the degree. Our house smelled like polish remover for days.

Shropskr

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #85 on: February 10, 2016, 06:39:23 PM »
I had a lot of homemade plum jelly.  And I was using it up in smoothies.  I made my kids a morning smoothie and put in a bunch of jelly.  Oops not jelly last nights leftover teriyaki sauce.   Um totally inedible.  My daughter still brings this up often.

Curbside Prophet

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #86 on: February 10, 2016, 07:22:43 PM »
Not cooking related but in college I ran out of dishwasher soap but we did have some regular dish soap.  I figure what's the difference, both soap, both used to clean dishes, should work in the dishwasher.  Nope.  Bubbles streaming out the side, on the floor, bubbles everywhere...

aperture

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #87 on: February 10, 2016, 07:35:23 PM »
Left a can of cooking spray on a glass surface burner then turned it on and walked away.  It exploded, blew a hole in the ceiling and destroyed the burner and the fluorescent light box over the island.  Also, the floor had burns in it and the entire kitchen was covered in a fine mist of oil.  My wife was angry as someone could have been injured, but since then has decided this is her favorite story to tell about me.  (We frequently argue over which one of us the kids inherited the ADHD genes from). 

I managed to turn lemons into lemonade: I DIY - remodeled everything.  I hated the fluorescent light box, and replaced it with an LED box with a hanging pot holder. I installed 4" can lighting (4" way classier than 6") and put in a new wider island with gas burners. The island and the light box look great.  I am waiting for the next disaster to replace the rest of the cabinets and the half-working wall oven. 

Thanks for the fun topic. -Ap

SunshineAZ

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #88 on: February 10, 2016, 07:41:59 PM »
Let's see... the first time I worked with chocolate, I tried to melt it in a double boiler and I think it seized from getting steam into it or something. At any rate, it was lumpy and I assumed it just wasn't melting, so I then proceeded to heat it for so long it burned. Yes, I seized AND burned the same 8 ounces of chocolate. Finally we just said "well, it's not melting, let's just put it in the recipe anyway," and it came out pretty well aside from tasting like burned chocolate. :-/



I was going to make some homemade chocolate ice cream and needed to melt some baker's chocolate. The microwave seemed like the perfect way to get it done fast. Big mistake. It didn't melt, just burned. Hated throwing out that expensive chocolate but at least we had extra to melt in a pot on the stove instead.

You can melt it in the microwave, but you have to do it in increments.  I usually start with 20-30 seconds.  Then you stir.  Then melt and stir in 10 second increments after that until it is completely melted.  Make sure everything is completely dry.  If you get water into it, the chocolate will clump.

I have a similar method and I always melt mine in the microwave, although usually I am making ganache, so I add in some heavy whipping cream and I've never had a problem.  Depending on what you are melting it for, adding a little cream might help. 

Also, I usually melt it in a heavy ceramic bowl for about 45 seconds and then let it sit in the microwave for another 30 seconds to make sure everything is melted enough to stir.  In the event it is not completely melted, another 30 seconds of nuking and then try again.  It does usually take over a minute of stirring with a whisk to start looking satiny and delicious.  :)
« Last Edit: February 11, 2016, 06:39:52 PM by SunshineAZ »

dilinger

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #89 on: February 10, 2016, 07:51:47 PM »
Shortly after my son was born, my wife tried to boil water in a pot on the stove (I forget what she was making - pasta or beans or something).  She added water, turned the heat up to high, and kept an eye on it.

After a few minutes, my son woke up.  She went in to nurse him, closed the door and lay down with him, and promptly fell asleep.

She woke up an hour later.  The house was filled with acrid blue/gray smoke.  This is what the bottom of the pot and part of the stove under the burner looked like.  The aluminum melted right off the bottom.

We washed the walls with vinegar, but it still took months for that smell to leave the house.  Shortly after that, we invested in an InstantPot and have never looked back. :)

You may be asking yourself, "wait, shouldn't your smoke detector have gone off?"  Funny thing about that - we lived in a crappy rental where the landlord bought the cheapest shit imaginable.  These were the smoke detectors he'd installed:
http://www.amazon.com/Universal-Security-Instruments-USI-5204-Ionization/dp/B0026T76AU

Note the 2.5 star rating.  Note the reviews like,
"This has to the worst smoke alarm ever made, if you want to drive someone completely bat s*** crazy buy them these alarms. If you value your sanity stay away even if there free."

After a few times of getting woken up at 4am because of low batteries, I disabled them all and complained to the landlord.  He added a *1* new one:
http://www.amazon.com/Universal-Security-Instruments-SS-770-24CC-Ionization/dp/B001AMML0E/
Better rating, but also reviews that say things like the alarm not going off despite the house being filled with smoke.





gardeningandgreen

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #90 on: February 11, 2016, 09:21:31 AM »
Let's see... the first time I worked with chocolate, I tried to melt it in a double boiler and I think it seized from getting steam into it or something. At any rate, it was lumpy and I assumed it just wasn't melting, so I then proceeded to heat it for so long it burned. Yes, I seized AND burned the same 8 ounces of chocolate. Finally we just said "well, it's not melting, let's just put it in the recipe anyway," and it came out pretty well aside from tasting like burned chocolate. :-/



I was going to make some homemade chocolate ice cream and needed to melt some baker's chocolate. The microwave seemed like the perfect way to get it done fast. Big mistake. It didn't melt, just burned. Hated throwing out that expensive chocolate but at least we had extra to melt in a pot on the stove instead.

You can melt it in the microwave, but you have to do it in increments.  I usually start with 20-30 seconds.  Then you stir.  Then melt and stir in 10 second increments after that until it is completely melted.  Make sure everything is completely dry.  If you get water into it, the chocolate will clump.

I have a similar method and I always melt mine in the microwave, although usually I am making ganache, so I add in some heavy whipping cream and I've never had a problem.  Depending on what you are melting it for, adding a little cream might help. 

Also, I usually melt it in a heavy ceramic bowl for about 45 minutes and then let it sit in the microwave for another 30 seconds to make sure everything is melted enough to stir.  In the event it is not completely melted, another 30 seconds of nuking and then try again.  It does usually take over a minute of stirring with a whisk to start looking satiny and delicious.  :)


I hope not for 45 MINUTES! ;) I'm assuming 45 seconds!

tetlee

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #91 on: February 11, 2016, 04:14:53 PM »
I'm pretty adept with the bread machine but this week I really screwed it up.

I forgot to add the yeast but remembered halfway through just as it was reseting.
By this point it was a ball of dough in the bottom which the yeast wouldn't mix into. I added so more water to it hoping it'd break apart so the yeast could mix with it then restarted the cycle.

It worked great, though a little to well. The bread made it over the top of the pan and into ran down the side of the machine where it burnt solid all around the insides.

I spent about 45 minutes cleaning it earlier but it's still not there, I found the best technique was chipping at it with a screws driver. Surprisingly the loaf came out really good though.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2016, 04:28:46 PM by tetlee »

iwasjustwondering

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #92 on: February 11, 2016, 05:20:36 PM »
I was just out of college, and I was making lasagna.  I was out of eggs, but my mom had taught me that if you're out of something, just replace it with something with a similar consistency.  So I thought, what has the consistency of eggs?  My answer?  Olive oil.  I guess I forgot the part where the lasagna you serve actually has cooked eggs mixed in, not raw ones.  It was a soupy, greasy mess. 

iwasjustwondering

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #93 on: February 11, 2016, 05:24:08 PM »
Oh, I just remembered my first married Christmas, gosh, 21 years ago.  I made pheasant with roasted chestnuts and vegetables, followed by croquembouche (a little creampuff tree, wrapped with glistening strands of spun sugar).

The whole thing was a disaster.  Peeling and roasting the chestnuts took forever.  The pheasant has not been drained correctly.  The bullet was still in it, and it was bleeding all over the place.  The melted sugar melted the creampuffs and then formed a glass-like hard shell all over the puffs and the plate.  I actually had to throw the plate away.  Nothing, not boiling water, not chipping away at it with a knife, would get the sugar off.

SunshineAZ

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #94 on: February 11, 2016, 06:39:03 PM »
Let's see... the first time I worked with chocolate, I tried to melt it in a double boiler and I think it seized from getting steam into it or something. At any rate, it was lumpy and I assumed it just wasn't melting, so I then proceeded to heat it for so long it burned. Yes, I seized AND burned the same 8 ounces of chocolate. Finally we just said "well, it's not melting, let's just put it in the recipe anyway," and it came out pretty well aside from tasting like burned chocolate. :-/



I was going to make some homemade chocolate ice cream and needed to melt some baker's chocolate. The microwave seemed like the perfect way to get it done fast. Big mistake. It didn't melt, just burned. Hated throwing out that expensive chocolate but at least we had extra to melt in a pot on the stove instead.

You can melt it in the microwave, but you have to do it in increments.  I usually start with 20-30 seconds.  Then you stir.  Then melt and stir in 10 second increments after that until it is completely melted.  Make sure everything is completely dry.  If you get water into it, the chocolate will clump.

I have a similar method and I always melt mine in the microwave, although usually I am making ganache, so I add in some heavy whipping cream and I've never had a problem.  Depending on what you are melting it for, adding a little cream might help. 

Also, I usually melt it in a heavy ceramic bowl for about 45 minutes and then let it sit in the microwave for another 30 seconds to make sure everything is melted enough to stir.  In the event it is not completely melted, another 30 seconds of nuking and then try again.  It does usually take over a minute of stirring with a whisk to start looking satiny and delicious.  :)


I hope not for 45 MINUTES! ;) I'm assuming 45 seconds!

LOL good catch, yes 45 seconds!!  I will fixed the original post!

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #95 on: February 12, 2016, 08:55:29 AM »
Oh, I just remembered my first married Christmas, gosh, 21 years ago.  I made pheasant with roasted chestnuts and vegetables, followed by croquembouche (a little creampuff tree, wrapped with glistening strands of spun sugar).

The whole thing was a disaster.  Peeling and roasting the chestnuts took forever.  The pheasant has not been drained correctly.  The bullet was still in it, and it was bleeding all over the place.  The melted sugar melted the creampuffs and then formed a glass-like hard shell all over the puffs and the plate.  I actually had to throw the plate away.  Nothing, not boiling water, not chipping away at it with a knife, would get the sugar off.

Please tell me there are pictures!

Kaydedid

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #96 on: February 12, 2016, 12:33:43 PM »
I once tried to make a healthy chocolate pudding or ice cream(I never want to make it again.) It had avocados and baking powder and I have no idea what else but avocados and chocolate is a terrible idea. NEVER put them together. Anyone who says its a good idea lies to you.

We make this.  The trick is to get very firm avocados and use them right away-the taste gets much stronger as they ripen.

nancyjnelson

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #97 on: February 12, 2016, 03:37:43 PM »
Most of my cooking disasters have not been too serious (except for that time I poisoned my boyfriend, but the samonella in the chocolate chips was NOT MY FAULT!).  But one year when I was still living at home I was tasked with making my sister's birthday cake.  I decided to try a new recipe - "Delicate Cake #2" from a cookbook I had found in my grandmother's house, "Cooking Recipes for the German-American Housewife."  The recipes themselves were half in German, half in English.  I went slowly translating and mixing up the ingredients.  My mother was in the kitchen at the same time, and was sure that I had mixed up the German words for baking powder and cream of tartar because the amounts required by the recipe were so different than modern recipes - I made the changes as she thought appropriate.  The cake baked up fine, it smelled heavenly, and I frosted it with pink icing.  That evening we sat around the table and sang Happy Birthday.  My sister then started to cut the cake.  Funny, the knife wouldn't go in.  My sister tried again with our sharpest steak knife, but it barely scratched the cake, which turned out to be solid as a brick.  We licked the pink icing off then threw the cake to the dogs.  They couldn't eat it either. 

Astatine

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #98 on: February 12, 2016, 03:48:11 PM »
Most of my cooking disasters have not been too serious (except for that time I poisoned my boyfriend, but the samonella in the chocolate chips was NOT MY FAULT!).  But one year when I was still living at home I was tasked with making my sister's birthday cake.  I decided to try a new recipe - "Delicate Cake #2" from a cookbook I had found in my grandmother's house, "Cooking Recipes for the German-American Housewife."  The recipes themselves were half in German, half in English.  I went slowly translating and mixing up the ingredients.  My mother was in the kitchen at the same time, and was sure that I had mixed up the German words for baking powder and cream of tartar because the amounts required by the recipe were so different than modern recipes - I made the changes as she thought appropriate.  The cake baked up fine, it smelled heavenly, and I frosted it with pink icing.  That evening we sat around the table and sang Happy Birthday.  My sister then started to cut the cake.  Funny, the knife wouldn't go in.  My sister tried again with our sharpest steak knife, but it barely scratched the cake, which turned out to be solid as a brick.  We licked the pink icing off then threw the cake to the dogs.  They couldn't eat it either. 

Oh the irony.

And I laughed. As did DH when I read this out to him.

SeanMC

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #99 on: February 12, 2016, 04:16:18 PM »
I love this thread.

A lot of my disasters have been covered like pre-heating an oven that was not quite empty (that's where you store the empty pizza boxes!) or the pasta box a little too close to stove caught fire while pasta was cooking.

Various cooking experiments didn't quite work out, usually involving substitutions. Orange chicken does not come out the "same" as grapefruit chicken (ew).

One of my favorite stories was less a disaster and more about me being a college-age dumb-ass. Friend and I were both going to make pasta. We had different shapes to use up. Decided to cook it together and then...after we strained it, we spent the time separating back out each of our "own" pasta for our meal. Yeah, we laughed about it after.