Author Topic: Share your kitchen disasters...  (Read 57880 times)

EngineerYogi

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #100 on: February 12, 2016, 04:33:16 PM »
Great thread!

My DH and I are both pretty tolerant to kitchen mistakes, we don't like to waste food but we're also quite adventurous and try new recipes weekly, if not daily, so we'll do what we can to choke things down when we have mishaps. The first time(and currently only time) we ever had one that had to go in the trash: we decided to make homemade mayo (thank you Paleo adventures) and accidentally used extra virgin olive oil instead of extra light tasting olive oil. Huge difference in flavor, completely gag-worthy and we just couldn't do it. We cried over the $5 wasted. I have had problems since with my mayo not emulsifying properly, but it's been recoverable each time thanks to youtube.

One time my DH was making a favorite recipe of ours out of Mark Bittman's Kitchen Express, which doesn't give clear cut ingredient portions and instead expects you to use your judgment for you personal tastes. Well this particular recipe called for adding chipotle peppers in adobo sauce and my DH misinterpreted that to mean a full can of them. They were the spiciest chicken tacos we've ever eaten, we were literally crying with noses running and our faces turning red as we ate those. We still laugh about this one.

Inaya

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #101 on: February 12, 2016, 04:42:41 PM »
A lot of my disasters have been covered like pre-heating an oven that was not quite empty (that's where you store the empty pizza boxes!) or the pasta box a little too close to stove caught fire while pasta was cooking.


The vast majority of my issues are like these. We stored our leftover wedding cake in the oven because tiny studio apartment. Forgot it was in there, and had twice-baked devils food cake. I was able to save most of it because it started to smell like chocolate pretty quickly, and I know that wasn't right. My sense of smell is incredibly good, so most burning issues get at least partially salvaged. (Admittedly having a hard time lately with my new cast iron skillet. That thing takes food from not-even-browned to charcoal in about 7 seconds, before the burned-food smell has a chance to diffuse.)

My favorite wooden spoon is actually my favorite because I left it on the burner and burnt a small hole in it (about 1.5 cm) that is just perfect for stirring sauces.

I spent hours making handmade truffles for friends and family for Xmas. Went to make something in the oven. After dinner when I was cleaning up the range, I realized I'd placed the Tupperwares with my truffles on the oven. Most of them melted. It was heartbreaking.

My knife skills are deplorable, so I get nicks all the time. I also once mandolined the tip of my finger off (not much, there wasn't even blood, but it did feel weird for a few days). The finger was unprotected because I'd already mandolined my fingernail off earlier that week. Also burns because I'm not a learner.

I made sourdough starter and knew it would expand and compensated for it. I don't know if it was the altitude or the warm weather, but it went gang busters... all over my counter and half my kitchen floor.

One Xmas I was canning things for family gifts (apple butter, mango salsa, jellies, etc.). I had the bright idea to make jalapeno jelly. I made it and nothing seemed amiss at first. Then I woke up the next morning with my lungs and esophagus in pain--minor chemical burns from breathing the jalapeno steam.

So pretty much idiot mistakes and not caused by my experimentation. Experimentation fails usually just end up bland and/or mushy, rather than bad. They get covered in whatever sauce seems suitable, eaten, and never spoken of again.

Then again there was this time I made fried tilapia. Took a bite, and holy ammonia, Batman. I blame the supermarket for selling bad fish--I'd just bought it that day. The weird thing was, it didn't smell off before, during, or after cooking. But it was clear from the first bite that that fish was death wrapped in panko.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2016, 04:45:30 PM by Inaya »
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RosieTR

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #102 on: February 12, 2016, 05:31:30 PM »
We had a CSA, and it was one of those slightly more experimental ones. One share included about a pound (0.5kg) of stinging nettles. The farmer explained that they were edible after cooking and chopping, so that's what I did. Then put the whole batch into one largish quesadilla, shared between just DH and me.. And although it tasted ok, the effect was similar to the old SNL sketch about a cereal called "Colon Blow". At least we won't be getting colon cancer, I suppose!

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #103 on: February 12, 2016, 09:31:06 PM »
The first time I baked, my mom pointed out the recipe in a cookbook. She then gave me a measuring cup and told me to measure out the flour. Thus emboldened I then measured out the sugar. I guess she was distracted because next came the salt. The same day I learned about measuring spoons, but that came later.

The first time I tried to put together my own Thanksgiving meal was also the first time I ever tried cooking a turkey. Somehow the whole bird was overcooked except for one leg which was still raw.

I decided to make these stuffed jalapeņos for a party. I have sensitive skin and wasn't using gloves. My hands turned red and blotchy while cutting up the peppers and I was both in pain and too stubborn to stop. Thankfully my roommate intervened in my personal torture experience and helped me finish them.

I have a lot of kitchen failures. But I think I have finally more or less gotten the hang of frying an egg. So there's that.

nazar

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #104 on: February 13, 2016, 07:18:36 AM »
I had some success using zucchini in cookies (kind of like zucchini bread). Inspired by that, I thought surely I could do the same with okra from the garden. Cookies went into the oven. Cookies came out of the oven, warm. Cookies cooled down, and tasted - ummm, a bit okra-y. Then, inexplicably, the cookies began warming up again. By the next morning, the okrosity had intensified and the tupperware they were in was hot to the touch. My husband still refers to them as the thermonuclear cookies. My mother suggested okra cookies were such a bad idea that they decided on their own to just begin the composting process immediately.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying

+1

But worse, when telling my SO why I'm laughing so much, the gears start turning in his head and he says "we have to make okra cookies!". But it turns out that he thinks that with chocolate chips, you would have toll house cookies that have fresh our of the oven warmth for an extended period.  Which makes me laugh again as he protests how serious he is.  Apparently he's willing to overlook the okra taste for melted chocolate, or at least he thinks so...



Bracken_Joy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #105 on: February 13, 2016, 08:50:15 AM »
I had some success using zucchini in cookies (kind of like zucchini bread). Inspired by that, I thought surely I could do the same with okra from the garden. Cookies went into the oven. Cookies came out of the oven, warm. Cookies cooled down, and tasted - ummm, a bit okra-y. Then, inexplicably, the cookies began warming up again. By the next morning, the okrosity had intensified and the tupperware they were in was hot to the touch. My husband still refers to them as the thermonuclear cookies. My mother suggested okra cookies were such a bad idea that they decided on their own to just begin the composting process immediately.
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying

+1

But worse, when telling my SO why I'm laughing so much, the gears start turning in his head and he says "we have to make okra cookies!". But it turns out that he thinks that with chocolate chips, you would have toll house cookies that have fresh our of the oven warmth for an extended period.  Which makes me laugh again as he protests how serious he is.  Apparently he's willing to overlook the okra taste for melted chocolate, or at least he thinks so...

We need to crowd-source science here: we need to try and recreate the thermonuclear okra cookies!
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ambimammular

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #106 on: February 13, 2016, 02:24:12 PM »
When DH was a teen his family moved, and in efforts to clear out the pantry before packing they made soup for 6 by mixing all the different soup cans on the shelf. Cream of chicken, chowder, black bean, vegetable, whatever. The soup was black and inedible.

There's also a story in his family's lore of the hairy chicken, which his dad got cheap because it was not so well plucked. All the bites had hollow splinters from the feather shafts that you had to pull out. I don't think they ate that meal either.

dilinger

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #107 on: February 13, 2016, 02:25:04 PM »
I love this thread.

A lot of my disasters have been covered like pre-heating an oven that was not quite empty (that's where you store the empty pizza boxes!) or the pasta box a little too close to stove caught fire while pasta was cooking.

Oh yeah.  We had the bright idea of putting our bananas in a milk crate in the oven to keep fruit flies from overwhelming our small apartment.  It worked great!

And then one time I preheated the oven without checking it.  The result was a melted plastic milk crate all over the bottom burner.  "Hey, uh, don't bother coming home.  We're eating out tonight.  I don't want to talk about it."

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #108 on: February 13, 2016, 08:06:26 PM »
I'm really enjoying these stories.  DD is 19 and still remembers her 4th birthday as the year I blew up her birthday cake.  I lovingly baked, cooled, and decorated her cake and set it on the stovetop (still in the glass pan it was baked in).  Later, I turned on one of the free burners to cook something.  Except that I had accidentally turned on one of the burners under the glass cake pan.  Heating unevenly, it exploded like a bomb, sending glass shards and cake bits everywhere.


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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #109 on: February 13, 2016, 08:32:10 PM »
I make a great potato soup that is very similar to what Panera Bread sells. What makes it special is it is made with chicken broth and cream cheese.

The trouble is that the cream cheese is hard to dissolve and takes a lot of stirring.

One day I had the bright idea to take a hand powered egg beater to the pot to stir in the cream cheese. It crushed so many of the potatoes that eating the soup was like trying to drink watery mashed potatoes. It was so bad, I had to throw it out.
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Sibley

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #110 on: February 13, 2016, 08:52:55 PM »
Well, there was the time my sister tried to make a cheesecake. Except she somehow mixed up the sugar and salt. That was removed from the oven and thrown out when my mom figured out what had happened.

My mom made a duck one year. The duck came out fine, and she froze a ton of duck grease. No problems here, until some time later when my sister and I decided to clean the kitchen for her while she was out. The oven was dirty, so we started the self-cleaning function and proceeded to work on cleaning the rest of the kitchen. Then the oven caught fire. I had the composure to turn it off, but couldn't open the door. So I stood in front of the oven, with the phone in one hand and the fire extinguisher in the other, hoping the fire would go out on its own. It did after a minute or two. I was about 12 I think.

I've chipped out the batch of rice krispy treats from the pan. No idea what I did wrong, but I don't make those anymore. I've also poured several batches of jello down the drain because they wouldn't solidify.

Rice is a problem with me. I have a tendency to either burn it or to have it come out sloppy. One time the rice was fully cooked, but had so much water it was like soup. I dumped it into the strainer, which helped but it was still really wet. So I decided to put it in the microwave and maybe the excess water would boil out. It actually worked, except that the rice got everywhere. EVERYWHERE. I did a deep clean of the microwave and the entire kitchen to get all the rice off.

Dollar Slice

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #111 on: February 13, 2016, 10:06:27 PM »
So I stood in front of the oven, with the phone in one hand and the fire extinguisher in the other, hoping the fire would go out

This reminded me of someone else's kitchen disaster that I witnessed.

Background: I was living in my first apartment after college. The only windows I had in the livingroom and kitchen were facing a small alleyway, across which were the windows of someone living in a similar apartment to mine. We both kept the blinds open because it was the only natural light for half our apartments. My neighbor was a single guy and he was... a nudist? An exhibitionist? Whatever. He walked around completely naked all the time. Never looked out the windows. Never saw his face or other, eh, forward-facing body parts. Didn't really care anyway.

So one day I'm watching TV or something and there is a sudden flash of orange light from my window. That... is weird. Considering there's just an alleyway out there. So I get up and look and there is Mr. Naked, freaking out because he has somehow started a grease fire in a pan on the stove. Huge flames, I see the plastic paper towel holder melt and the paper towels catch fire. I grab the phone and stand there watching for a second wondering if I should call the fire department or if he'll get it under control. He came up with a fire extinguisher right about then so I didn't have to call.

I never met him, but if I did I would have asked if he wears pants while cooking now ;-)
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Lindy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #112 on: February 13, 2016, 10:14:31 PM »
The first time I tried to make pesto I mixed up the terms head of garlic and cloves of garlic. The recipe called for 2 cloves so I put 2 whole heads of garlic in the food processor. I figured it looked like too much, but went for it anyways. The heart breaking thing is that it was the sauce on a pizza with artichoke hearts and sundried tomatoes so I didn't find out the error of my ways until the entire pizza was done. 2 lessons learned that day: 1) taste as you cook 2) a head and a clove of garlic are two very different things.

My boyfriend did this when he first started cooking.  He was making an Indian dish and it called for 2 cloves of garlic.  He thought a clove was a head of garlic, so he put in the whole head, thinking he didn't have enough garlic since he only had one "clove".  It was extremely garlicky, but I did help him eat it.  Thank God he only had one head of garlic!  We still laugh about it almost three years later. 
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shelivesthedream

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #113 on: February 14, 2016, 02:26:27 AM »
My husband, last night: "Darling, you know you can't eat chestnuts raw, don't you?"
Me: "What, really?"

Cue forty minutes of roasting, peeling and swearing.
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Shropskr

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #114 on: February 14, 2016, 09:51:44 AM »
When we had our first child things did not go well.  Cue extreme sleep detrivation.  I was reminded that the cook time on rice is not somewhere around two to three hours.  Found it with smoke starting to roll out.  Bottom two inches were black and starting to smolder.  Oops.

My husband learned that when cooking cup of noodles in the microwave that the water really is required.  It caught fire and had really nice flames.  He was aware enough not to open the microwave. Yea.  That microwave never was white again but still worked for anouther 8ish years.

Sleep o glorious sleep.  Without it simple things are HARD.

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #115 on: February 14, 2016, 08:53:44 PM »
Early in my cooking days, I made rhubarb pie.  I followed the recipe EXACTLY, and it told me to fill the lower crust with rhubarb, then to pour sugar over the rhubarb before covering with the lower crust.  When the pie was served, we discovered a half-inch of solid sugar on the lower crust.  Everyone joked that I had used sugar cubes.  The rest of the pie tasted fine, though.

The first time I tried to make pesto I mixed up the terms head of garlic and cloves of garlic. The recipe called for 2 cloves so I put 2 whole heads of garlic in the food processor. I figured it looked like too much, but went for it anyways. The heart breaking thing is that it was the sauce on a pizza with artichoke hearts and sundried tomatoes so I didn't find out the error of my ways until the entire pizza was done. 2 lessons learned that day: 1) taste as you cook 2) a head and a clove of garlic are two very different things.

My boyfriend did this when he first started cooking.  He was making an Indian dish and it called for 2 cloves of garlic.  He thought a clove was a head of garlic, so he put in the whole head, thinking he didn't have enough garlic since he only had one "clove".  It was extremely garlicky, but I did help him eat it.  Thank God he only had one head of garlic!  We still laugh about it almost three years later.

     When vegetarian DBF lived in State 1, we often went to an Asian restaurant that served vegetarian gyoza (a sort of Japanese dumpling/potsticker), which is a rarity; they are normally only made with pork.  We really loved these gyoza.  When he moved to State 2, I decided to find a replicate and these gyoza for his birthday when I went to visit. 
     I went to the grocery store to get ingredients, one of which was garlic.  The recipe called for four cloves of garlic in the gyoza themselves and two in the sauce.  At the grocery store I was unhappy to find out how expensive these cloves of garlic were, but I bought them anyway, as it was a special treat for him.  I started preparing the gyoza that night at around 10, after my family went to bed.  I had never worked with fresh garlic before, so peeling each little segment of the cloves took a long time.  I spent at least an hour getting the garlic peeled.
     I went to visit and cooked up the gyoza for him.  He mentioned that they smelled very strong...  He was only able to eat two.  I, too, was ignorant of "cloves" versus "bulbs."  The dish had 10 to 15 times the amount of garlic the recipe required.
     I have since made the recipe correctly, and we eat it to this day. :)

I'm really enjoying these stories.  DD is 19 and still remembers her 4th birthday as the year I blew up her birthday cake.  I lovingly baked, cooled, and decorated her cake and set it on the stovetop (still in the glass pan it was baked in).  Later, I turned on one of the free burners to cook something.  Except that I had accidentally turned on one of the burners under the glass cake pan.  Heating unevenly, it exploded like a bomb, sending glass shards and cake bits everywhere.

Ah, yes.  In my household, this was Taco Night.  I had made a delicious apple crisp, taken it out of the oven, and put it on a burner to cool.  A minute later, I turned on (what I thought was) another burner to cook up the taco filling.  Minutes after that, BOOM!  No more glass casserole dish.  I picked a few large glass pieces out of the taco filling and salvaged two scoops of the apple crisp.  In retrospect, we probably shouldn't have eaten any of it, but we live!

One Thanksgiving, my mother brought a pie with us to the house of the cousin hosting.  When the pie was cut, we had to ask what kind it was.  The inside was very dark brown, and an odd texture.  Mom said it was apple pie, and she didn't know why it was so dark.  It tasted somewhat like mincemeat, but not good.  Eventually we found out that she didn't have enough flour to thicken the apples, so she used baking powder or soda instead...
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dilinger

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #116 on: February 15, 2016, 12:30:30 AM »
My mom made a duck one year.

Ah, duck.

We had Muscovy ducks for a while (google them).  Most are pretty gentle, but we had one male that kept attacking me.  So I turned him into dinner for my wife and housemates.

Except, I'm a vegetarian, and I don't know how to cook meat.  I googled for duck recipes, and it seemed pretty easy.  Duck is fatty, so it just needed to be baked a long time.

What I didn't realize was that those duck recipes all assume a Mallard breed.  Muscovies are completely unrelated to Mallards, and they're not at all fatty - they're very lean.  So I baked the heck out of it, and it came out super dry and tough.  They all ate it, though, so it couldn't have been that bad.  I think I had tofu..

ambimammular

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #117 on: February 15, 2016, 06:39:29 AM »
There was the time my mom made pie crust, but it was really hard to roll out. She had to keep adding water.

It baked up like a hard noodle, filled with applesauce. And no one in my family has forgotten to add the lard since.

Noodle

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #118 on: June 27, 2016, 07:23:01 PM »
I was thinking of this thread yesterday evening when I decided it would be clever to mix the sriracha mayonnaise for my sushi bowl directly in the squeeze bottle. One minute I was shaking happily away. I was even smart enough to cover the squeeze tip with my finger. Those of you who guessed that the story ends with me wearing the entire batch as I discover the lid isn't on tightly...would be correct! I was actually grateful that it landed on a shirt and person that could easily be washed instead of ending up with me scrubbing sriracha off all the cupboards, floor, etc.

There was also the batch of blondies where I mixed up baking soda and baking powder, even though I haven't done that for many, many years and specifically checked the recipe. Thank goodness for the emergency brownie mix in the cupboard. Other than that, it's mostly been new recipes that ended up on the meh side.

Any good disasters from y'all lately?

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #119 on: June 27, 2016, 07:26:55 PM »
I was thinking of this thread yesterday evening when I decided it would be clever to mix the sriracha mayonnaise for my sushi bowl directly in the squeeze bottle. One minute I was shaking happily away. I was even smart enough to cover the squeeze tip with my finger. Those of you who guessed that the story ends with me wearing the entire batch as I discover the lid isn't on tightly...would be correct! I was actually grateful that it landed on a shirt and person that could easily be washed instead of ending up with me scrubbing sriracha off all the cupboards, floor, etc.

There was also the batch of blondies where I mixed up baking soda and baking powder, even though I haven't done that for many, many years and specifically checked the recipe. Thank goodness for the emergency brownie mix in the cupboard. Other than that, it's mostly been new recipes that ended up on the meh side.

Any good disasters from y'all lately?

Ha! I had totally forgotten about this thread. I still LOVE it. No major disasters from me lately, except for accidentally undercooking a chicken then asking my husband to shred it... my colorblind husband... who couldn't see that it was still pink. And I didn't notice (dressing) until part way through dinner. Luckily neither of us got sick!
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Inaya

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #120 on: June 27, 2016, 08:01:11 PM »
i was making a quick Instant Pot soup last night using frozen bone broth. I freeze my bone broth in leftover containers from sour cream, cottage cheese, etc. Well I dropped the frozen block of broth atop the dried beans and thought all was well. Until I got a whiff of pineapple. Turns out I grabbed the frozen pineapple juice instead of the broth. Oops! Fortunately I was able to rescue it and rinse it off, refreeze it, and put the real broth in the IP. Not quite a disaster, but almost!
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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #121 on: June 27, 2016, 08:11:43 PM »
My niece tried to make Hershey's Black Magic cake.  It calls for a cup of coffee in the batter. 

Yep, she put a cup of coffee grounds into the mix instead of brewed coffee. 

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #122 on: June 27, 2016, 08:16:14 PM »
But I have had my issues, too.  Made pumpkin pie and completely forgot the sugar.  I didn't have a slice but my relatives choked it down and didn't say a word at that evening's get together.  When I realized what I had done I called them to apologize, they were all so nice about it and never let on while eating.  I think my BIL had seconds.

JetBlast

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #123 on: June 27, 2016, 10:54:38 PM »
I was making chicken wings using Alton Brown's method where you steam them to remove most of the fat, then bake them until they are crispy. For some reason I forgot the steaming part this time and realized my mistake when smoke started pouring out of the oven.  Next the smoke detectors went off and naturally the people in nearby apartments started looking toward the sound.  To get the smoke out of the house I took the tray of wings onto the balcony of our apartment, where our neighbors got to see the smoldering spectacle of my cooking expertise.

My grandfather's cheesecake was legendary, especially the one where he forgot to put in the sugar. That was so bitter and nasty. Just inedible.

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #124 on: June 27, 2016, 11:37:58 PM »
But I have had my issues, too.  Made pumpkin pie and completely forgot the sugar.  I didn't have a slice but my relatives choked it down and didn't say a word at that evening's get together.  When I realized what I had done I called them to apologize, they were all so nice about it and never let on while eating.  I think my BIL had seconds.

I did this last Thanksgiving!   Figured it out before serving and made caramel syrup to drizzle over it, and all was fine.

pbkmaine

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #125 on: June 27, 2016, 11:55:27 PM »
There was the tofu lasagna that even the dog wouldn't eat. And he ate everything.

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #126 on: June 28, 2016, 08:24:58 AM »
But I have had my issues, too.  Made pumpkin pie and completely forgot the sugar.  I didn't have a slice but my relatives choked it down and didn't say a word at that evening's get together.  When I realized what I had done I called them to apologize, they were all so nice about it and never let on while eating.  I think my BIL had seconds.

I laughed out loud at your BIL having seconds! My husband does stuff like that. "I don't know, I was hungry. It tasted fine. I thought it might be a new recipe" etc.
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Cpa Cat

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #127 on: June 28, 2016, 08:41:17 AM »
Back in the old days, when I first got married, I made a lasagna. I was putting it all together and I threw in a bunch of peas and carrots. I don't know why... it was like my brain lines got crossed and I was making shepherd's pie. It happened one time, over a decade ago. ONE TIME. My husband still mentions it every single time we have lasagna.

One day, I dropped a cup of olive oil on the floor. It was horrible to clean up, but after getting it all wiped up and soaped up, I picked up the bottle of olive oil to continue with the recipe... and dropped the bottle on the floor. So I clean it all up, pick up the bottle to start over, and my hand slips on it and I drop it on the floor a third time. I swear it took a month before the floor stopped feeling olive-oiled, even after washing it several times. I just gave up that night.

Speaking of olive oil... just the other week I tried to make a vegan olive-oil crumble for my apple crumble. No matter how many comments claim it's delicious, it is not. It's horrifying.

Bracken_Joy

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #128 on: June 28, 2016, 09:33:04 AM »
Back in the old days, when I first got married, I made a lasagna. I was putting it all together and I threw in a bunch of peas and carrots. I don't know why... it was like my brain lines got crossed and I was making shepherd's pie. It happened one time, over a decade ago. ONE TIME. My husband still mentions it every single time we have lasagna.

One day, I dropped a cup of olive oil on the floor. It was horrible to clean up, but after getting it all wiped up and soaped up, I picked up the bottle of olive oil to continue with the recipe... and dropped the bottle on the floor. So I clean it all up, pick up the bottle to start over, and my hand slips on it and I drop it on the floor a third time. I swear it took a month before the floor stopped feeling olive-oiled, even after washing it several times. I just gave up that night.

Speaking of olive oil... just the other week I tried to make a vegan olive-oil crumble for my apple crumble. No matter how many comments claim it's delicious, it is not. It's horrifying.

I made an olive oil mayonnaise once. Despite comments of, "if you use a light oil, you'll only have a faint flavor!" and having a new bottle, it was AWFUL. Literally just tasted like spreading olive oil on a sandwich, super over powering. Walnut oil is the way to go IMO.
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going2ER

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #129 on: June 28, 2016, 10:14:23 AM »
I am loving these stories.

Not long ago I was making sweet and sour pineapple chicken. Reading the recipe 1 cup of chili sauce sounded like a lot so I just used 1/2 cup. We like things spicy, but even with 1/2 a cup it was too much to even be able to eat it! We tried, as it tasted good other than being too spicy. I didn't realize that the recipe was calling for an american chili sauce which really isn't that spicy vs a chinese chili sauce that we normally use, oops!

rockstache

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #130 on: June 28, 2016, 10:43:04 AM »
My sense of smell is incredibly good,

So is mine. This is hardly ever a blessing.

Digital Dogma

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #131 on: June 28, 2016, 11:13:14 AM »
I destroyed some good pork on Monday, I put pork picnic cuts in the instant pot while they were still frozen and forgot to submerge them, instead I used the grate to lift it above the broth. They came out dry, tough, stringy, absolutely messed them up. That will be the last time I elevate my meat above the broth.

Alenzia

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #132 on: June 28, 2016, 12:37:39 PM »
Love this thread! I made a slow cooker balsamic pulled pork once, and the sauce was too vinegary (in retrospect, it did seem like a lot of balsamic vinegar to add), so I thought I'd negate the vinegar with a bit of baking soda. We didn't get the "erupting volcano", but the flavor of baking soda was so nasty that we had to throw the whole thing out!

DirtDiva

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #133 on: June 28, 2016, 05:09:53 PM »
I'm the house dishwasher for a reason.  Hubs (the one who cooks) was off enjoying Father's Day bow-shooting with the son when I got the bright idea to make Butter Chicken for lunch.  I googled a recipe (hey, everyone gave this 4.5 stars!) and started cooking.

First the yogurt got all curdled up in the lemon juice/ sauce mixture.   Then I tasted it thinking oh well, lumps!  But for some reason the sauce tasted kind of yucky and bland at the same time.  I thought..not enough delicious Indian spices!  and added more.  Then it tasted like ass.  Lumpy ass.

At least I saved the chicken- I realized the level of sauce disgustingness before I dumped in the chicken.

We ate chicken and rice.
« Last Edit: June 28, 2016, 05:12:22 PM by DirtDiva »
Serenity now!

mustachepungoeshere

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #134 on: July 03, 2016, 09:00:33 PM »
Back in the old days, when I first got married, I made a lasagna. I was putting it all together and I threw in a bunch of peas and carrots. I don't know why... it was like my brain lines got crossed and I was making shepherd's pie. It happened one time, over a decade ago. ONE TIME. My husband still mentions it every single time we have lasagna.

A couple of years ago a friend of mine was preparing to go away with her husband, leaving four of their (teen to adult) kids at home.

She wrote lists, planned schedules, left a list of emergency contacts a mile long, and filled the freezer with meals. She was a busy girl.

Her kids still sass her about the shepherd's pie (mashed potato and all) that became lasagne halfway down.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #135 on: July 04, 2016, 08:41:40 AM »
Ha!  Thought of another one while visiting my daughter this weekend. 

We canned peaches in light syrup, it called for something like 2 c sugar to 5 c water.  She reversed it so we had 5 c sugar to 2 c water-  when the sugar began to crystallize on the jar edges like candy we knew we had a problem! 

Ceridwen

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #136 on: July 04, 2016, 10:19:54 AM »
- Cinnamon buns with cumin instead of cinnamon (so alphabetically close!)

- My sister is a horrible cook so my two favourite stories are hers.  Once tried to make jello using "really hot water" instead of boiling water, and made a pasta sauce with 1 cup of chicken stock (powder) instead of chicken broth.

begood

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #137 on: July 04, 2016, 10:37:32 AM »
Just yesterday I made baked beans so bad even the chickens wouldn't eat them.

I made manicotti with fat-free cheese once. Just once. We ended up going out for Mexican that night.

I made spaghetti sauce once with a jar of sauce that didn't *pop* when I opened it. I thought it didn't smell right, but then I tend to be a little overzealous when it comes to things like that. My daughter came in the kitchen and said, "Mom, why does the sauce smell like pee?" Out it went.




SoccerLounge

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #138 on: July 04, 2016, 01:19:41 PM »
I made spaghetti sauce once with a jar of sauce that didn't *pop* when I opened it.

That, right there, is the cue to throw it out! Best-before dates can be BS, but overpressure from gases produced by the growth of nasties sure ain't ;)

Let me tell you all of a time when I made a kidney bean dish without pre-soaking the beans. Slow cooker, right? It'll be fine, right?

I'll let you guess the gastrointestinal consequences of this decision. :|

GuitarBrian

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #139 on: July 04, 2016, 06:34:12 PM »
1. I was 14. I wanted brownies. So I pulled out a cookbook, and got all the ingredients together. Mixed it up. Put it in the oven.  Timer went off... It was not set (still soupy). Cooked it some more. And more, and more. Kept checking it. After about 2 hours, I looked at the receipe, all looked good. My brother then read the ingredient list. Second item, flour I remeber telling him, "there's no flour in it."
We ended up eating it anyway, it tasted good, I added some chopped nuts... It was almost fudge. Almost.

2. This happened when I was 12 In Mexico. We spend our winters on a sailboat, and I was over on a friend's boat. There were 3 of us. Me, 12, friend 11, and brother 10. We made spegetti... Sauce was easy, but how much noodles to make? We settled on 3 pounds (1.5 kilos). For 3 of us. There was so much left over... 3 large ziplocks. Then we had to explain why we made so much... It is still funny.
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With This Herring

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #140 on: July 04, 2016, 07:43:23 PM »
*snip*

Let me tell you all of a time when I made a kidney bean dish without pre-soaking the beans. Slow cooker, right? It'll be fine, right?

I'll let you guess the gastrointestinal consequences of this decision. :|

For anyone just getting into cooking dried beans:
Unless you have an old slow cooker that runs hot and boils its contents (and I wouldn't risk it), after soaking the beans you MUST separately BOIL kidney beans for 10-30 minutes before slow cooking.  Kidney beans are "special" in that they have a very high level of a toxic compound that is neutralized by boiling for ten minutes but is STRENGTHENED if you cook the beans without boiling them. Cannellini beans have a little of this toxin, but not nearly as much.  Other types of beans have a tiny amount.  These non-kidney beans are safe to just soak overnight and then slow cook.

Phytohaemagglutinin (kidney bean lectin):
For slower computers/slow connections, this is an older version of the FDA's "Bad Bug Book" page on the kidney bean toxin.  Note that the time for boiling here is 10 minutes.  The updated time on the current Bad Bug Book PDF is 30 minutes.
For computers that are up to downloading a 292 page PDF over the internet, here is the full, new Bad Bug Book PDF.  It doesn't appear to exist as separate HTML pages.  The kidney bean page is 254.  Note updated 30 minute boiling time.
Go soak your beans.  You know you keep forgetting.

MissNancyPryor

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #141 on: July 04, 2016, 09:09:03 PM »
Wow!  Had no clue.  SoccerLounge just have been one sick puppy indeed!

HappierAtHome

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #142 on: July 04, 2016, 10:00:54 PM »
Just within the last few weeks, I made a stew along the lines of many stews I've made previously.

We both ate a serve and liked it.

We went to eat the leftovers and oh boy, we both felt so nauseous just looking at, and smelling, the stew that there was no way either of us could stomach it. Waited a few days (with the leftovers in the freezer!) but still couldn't handle even the thought of that stew. Ended up having to throw it out.

It was stored safely and I'd swear it wasn't off. It's not like we ate it and felt sick. It was something about the flavour that was just... wrong... such that the thought of it alone was enough to put us off our food.

I feel guilty about the waste, but then, my body is not a garbage bin.

Mrs. D.

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #143 on: July 04, 2016, 10:27:52 PM »
These are so fun to read.

1) Accidentally spilled water into the pan when I was making latkes. The resulting oil splatter had a reach of 10 feet.

2) Tried to make cocoa chewy cookies with egg replacer instead of egg whites for my vegan friend. I was left with one giant rectangular burnt cookie-blob.

3) I probably tried half a dozen briskets in the crock pot before my husband finally asked me to stop. First attempt in the oven turned out great.

4) I followed a recipe for homemade hummus. I normally love hummus. The result wasn't even really a food item.

5) I've attempted some gluten free pizza crusts which were hard and chewy at the same time. Not clear how I did it.

6) My husband created a massive fireball while making fried plantains which necessitated a visit from the fire dept. He also tried to dry socks on a toaster oven but the whole operation went up in flames.

Inaya

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #144 on: July 05, 2016, 09:26:18 AM »
*snip*

Let me tell you all of a time when I made a kidney bean dish without pre-soaking the beans. Slow cooker, right? It'll be fine, right?

I'll let you guess the gastrointestinal consequences of this decision. :|

For anyone just getting into cooking dried beans:
Unless you have an old slow cooker that runs hot and boils its contents (and I wouldn't risk it), after soaking the beans you MUST separately BOIL kidney beans for 10-30 minutes before slow cooking.  Kidney beans are "special" in that they have a very high level of a toxic compound that is neutralized by boiling for ten minutes but is STRENGTHENED if you cook the beans without boiling them. Cannellini beans have a little of this toxin, but not nearly as much.  Other types of beans have a tiny amount.  These non-kidney beans are safe to just soak overnight and then slow cook.

Phytohaemagglutinin (kidney bean lectin):
For slower computers/slow connections, this is an older version of the FDA's "Bad Bug Book" page on the kidney bean toxin.  Note that the time for boiling here is 10 minutes.  The updated time on the current Bad Bug Book PDF is 30 minutes.
For computers that are up to downloading a 292 page PDF over the internet, here is the full, new Bad Bug Book PDF.  It doesn't appear to exist as separate HTML pages.  The kidney bean page is 254.  Note updated 30 minute boiling time.
Thanks for the PSA! Totally had no idea! My childhood was all pinto beans all the time, so this never came up.

Here's another one that I feel like an idiot for not knowing until a couple months ago: do not store raw mushrooms in airtight containers! Apparently that makes botulism happen.

This is (one reason) why we need home ec back in schools.
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With This Herring

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #145 on: July 05, 2016, 02:25:15 PM »
*snip*

Let me tell you all of a time when I made a kidney bean dish without pre-soaking the beans. Slow cooker, right? It'll be fine, right?

I'll let you guess the gastrointestinal consequences of this decision. :|

For anyone just getting into cooking dried beans:
Unless you have an old slow cooker that runs hot and boils its contents (and I wouldn't risk it), after soaking the beans you MUST separately BOIL kidney beans for 10-30 minutes before slow cooking.  Kidney beans are "special" in that they have a very high level of a toxic compound that is neutralized by boiling for ten minutes but is STRENGTHENED if you cook the beans without boiling them. Cannellini beans have a little of this toxin, but not nearly as much.  Other types of beans have a tiny amount.  These non-kidney beans are safe to just soak overnight and then slow cook.

Phytohaemagglutinin (kidney bean lectin):
For slower computers/slow connections, this is an older version of the FDA's "Bad Bug Book" page on the kidney bean toxin.  Note that the time for boiling here is 10 minutes.  The updated time on the current Bad Bug Book PDF is 30 minutes.
For computers that are up to downloading a 292 page PDF over the internet, here is the full, new Bad Bug Book PDF.  It doesn't appear to exist as separate HTML pages.  The kidney bean page is 254.  Note updated 30 minute boiling time.
Thanks for the PSA! Totally had no idea! My childhood was all pinto beans all the time, so this never came up.

Here's another one that I feel like an idiot for not knowing until a couple months ago: do not store raw mushrooms in airtight containers! Apparently that makes botulism happen.

This is (one reason) why we need home ec back in schools.

Ooo, the mushroom one is new to me.  I know they get slimy if they get too damp, and that the common recommendation is to keep them in a paper bag, but wow...

That reminds me!  Another disaster...  I was raised on canned beans only.  I decided to start using dried beans.  Some early issues:
  • I didn't know that canned beans were already cooked.  I tried to make a three-bean salad (cold garbanzos/chickpeas, kidney beans, and green beans plus some chopped veggies and a vinaigrette) with beans that had been soaked overnight but not cooked.  I didn't realize anything was wrong until I went to take the first bite.  Bleeeeah.  I ended up just tossing it (which is good, because I didn't know about the kidney bean toxin then!).
  • Before I realized that bean cooking time can vary based on many factors and you have to eat a couple to check how creamy they are, I made a 13-bean soup following the package directions.  It was a little, ah, crunchy, but the flavor wasn't bad.  We go to eat the leftovers a day later and found that many of the beans had started to sprout!  We still ate the rest, though.
Go soak your beans.  You know you keep forgetting.

SoccerLounge

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #146 on: July 05, 2016, 03:55:12 PM »
*snip*

Let me tell you all of a time when I made a kidney bean dish without pre-soaking the beans. Slow cooker, right? It'll be fine, right?

I'll let you guess the gastrointestinal consequences of this decision. :|

For anyone just getting into cooking dried beans:
Unless you have an old slow cooker that runs hot and boils its contents (and I wouldn't risk it), after soaking the beans you MUST separately BOIL kidney beans for 10-30 minutes before slow cooking.  Kidney beans are "special" in that they have a very high level of a toxic compound that is neutralized by boiling for ten minutes but is STRENGTHENED if you cook the beans without boiling them. Cannellini beans have a little of this toxin, but not nearly as much.  Other types of beans have a tiny amount.  These non-kidney beans are safe to just soak overnight and then slow cook.

Phytohaemagglutinin (kidney bean lectin):
For slower computers/slow connections, this is an older version of the FDA's "Bad Bug Book" page on the kidney bean toxin.  Note that the time for boiling here is 10 minutes.  The updated time on the current Bad Bug Book PDF is 30 minutes.
For computers that are up to downloading a 292 page PDF over the internet, here is the full, new Bad Bug Book PDF.  It doesn't appear to exist as separate HTML pages.  The kidney bean page is 254.  Note updated 30 minute boiling time.
Thanks for the PSA! Totally had no idea! My childhood was all pinto beans all the time, so this never came up.

Thanks all for posting this - I just kind of assume everyone knows this except past-me! I was pretty lucky in that the slow cooker probably removed most of the toxin. Most. I was not a happy bunny after I ate a bite or two. Now I both boil red beans for 30 minutes and also pre-soak them overnight.

EngineerYogi

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #147 on: July 07, 2016, 02:26:06 PM »
Back in the old days, when I first got married, I made a lasagna. I was putting it all together and I threw in a bunch of peas and carrots. I don't know why... it was like my brain lines got crossed and I was making shepherd's pie. It happened one time, over a decade ago. ONE TIME. My husband still mentions it every single time we have lasagna.

One day, I dropped a cup of olive oil on the floor. It was horrible to clean up, but after getting it all wiped up and soaped up, I picked up the bottle of olive oil to continue with the recipe... and dropped the bottle on the floor. So I clean it all up, pick up the bottle to start over, and my hand slips on it and I drop it on the floor a third time. I swear it took a month before the floor stopped feeling olive-oiled, even after washing it several times. I just gave up that night.

Speaking of olive oil... just the other week I tried to make a vegan olive-oil crumble for my apple crumble. No matter how many comments claim it's delicious, it is not. It's horrifying.

I made an olive oil mayonnaise once. Despite comments of, "if you use a light oil, you'll only have a faint flavor!" and having a new bottle, it was AWFUL. Literally just tasted like spreading olive oil on a sandwich, super over powering. Walnut oil is the way to go IMO.

Yep definitely made the mistake of using Extra Virgin Olive Oil instead of Extra LIGHT tasting Olive Oil. We use avocado oil now for mayo which Costco sells for only $10 for a 33oz bottle.

Dezrah

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #148 on: July 07, 2016, 06:32:04 PM »
DH tried making a lemon pie once but missed something in the filling and didn't cook the crust first.  It was a weird, running, doughy blob.

Shortly after we got married, something went bad in the fridge and stank up the whole kitchen every time we opened it.  We'd toss what we thought was the culprit and wait a few hours for the smell to dissipate, except it never did.  For about a week we couldn't bear to go in the kitchen.  Finally I tossed everything in the fridge that wasn't in a jar.  Still smelled.  I checked the freezer and found the top layer of our wedding cake was either causing the smell or at the very least had absorbed it from the original source.  The smell was apparently freely traveling between the freezer and fridge.  That was the best diet we've ever been on.

Sister and I once made brownies and forgot the flour.  It was a premix packet that had some sort of weird gimmick where you would start with a sweet delicious liquid on the top and it would sink to the bottom by the time it cooked, so we just thought the weird liquidy thing we put in the oven was part of the process.  We cooked it for an hour before we realized something wasn't quite right.

I called my grandma to get her recipe for carrot cookies which she rattled off from memory.  I called back later to report they were surprisingly bland.  "Also, how on earth are you able to mash those carrots, Nana?  I had to use a food processor before it would work.  Do you have a special technique or something?"  "What?  Cooked carrots aren't hard to mash."  "Oh.  Well you didn't tell me I was supposed to cook them."  That's still her favorite story with me years later.

My grandma was juicing oranges from her yard for the rest of the family.  It tasted delicious at first and then you got this horrible, lingering, bitter aftertaste.  Apparently she had left the peels on the oranges when she ran them through the juicer.  She made us drink half the batch insisting nothing was wrong before we could convince her to try it herself and throw it out.

gooki

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Re: Share your kitchen disasters...
« Reply #149 on: July 08, 2016, 04:06:11 AM »
I made whistling pud. Your pudding shouldn't whistle.
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