Author Topic: Regretting Relocation  (Read 7026 times)

FireHiker

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #50 on: July 05, 2019, 02:58:15 PM »
That would be odd to me to build my living decisions around Trader Joes. Cant live in Spain, no Trader Joes. What about this place? Nope, no Trader Joes. Life is just less enjoyable without our Trader Joes! Weird.

Ha ha, I think you took my comment a little more seriously than I intended it to be. I believe I said it would "make me sad" not "be a deal breaker/primary decision point". And yes, I could certainly give up Trader Joe's to live in many, many places. We plan to slow travel in retirement so we'll be TJ-less plenty in the future. There sure are a few things we really like that we only buy there though, and I love being able to buy single bottles of beer on occasion to try something new.

My son will be happy to know there may be one going in eventually in Roanoke, though, so thanks @Blueridgeboy .

brandon1827

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #51 on: July 05, 2019, 03:05:23 PM »

 and I love being able to buy single bottles of beer on occasion to try something new.


Just FYI...Publix is another national chain that lets you buy a mixer sixer or individual bottles of beer.

iris lily

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #52 on: July 05, 2019, 03:12:06 PM »
Honestly, my small town is kind of shitty but Roanoke supplies the amenities although it lacks a Whole Foods/Trader Joe's. Screaming!

My son is moving to Roanoke for college in August. I have seriously considered the area but the lack of Trader Joe's makes me sad! I don't need EVERY city amenity, but we love Trader Joe's!

As to the OP, I have considered many relocation options and so far we're sticking with downsizing in our local community. I think if we do leave the area we'll take the often-dispensed advice to rent for a year to prevent what you're experiencing. Not that that's helpful in hindsight. To your issue at hand, I think to build off of the "life is short" comment...if you know it isn't going to work and you can make the change, do it and move on. See it as a lesson, next time rent for a year first to be "sure", and let your regret go.

That would be odd to me to build my living decisions around Trader Joes. Cant live in Spain, no Trader Joes. What about this place? Nope, no Trader Joes. Life is just less enjoyable without our Trader Joes! Weird.

I know! I think Whole Foods is a joke and Trader Joes justodd. The love they inspire is beyond my ken.

 I do occasionally go to TJs to actually buy things ( I go to Whole Foods only to point and laugh )  and as always at Trader Joes I was struck by how everything is over packaged.  Theres so much packaging. And then the very nice young lady who checked me out tried desperately to chat me up as they are trained to do, and I responded because Im polite, but the entire time all I could think of was you dont care about what Im doing today, why do I have to tell you what my plans are for the day, neither one of us give a shit about interacting with each other. Blech.

I am an introvert  in the city. I love city architecture and city institutions.  When we move to our tiny tourist town Im going to maintain an apartment in the city.

rivendale

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #53 on: July 05, 2019, 04:16:51 PM »
I read a study many years ago where an anthropologist studied people leaving the city for the countryside. He said that if he got to speak with the movers for 15 minutes, he could almost with 100% correctness predict if they would still be living there in 2 years. There are, in general, some serious misconceptions from city folks how it actually is to live in rural areas (and the other way around, for that matter).

Intriguing. Do you remember any of the specific questions or generalizations regarding how to see if one would succeed in relocating?

This whole thread is really informative as we are in the beginning stages of discussion regarding a move from suburba -rural HCOL to more rural/town.

Kris

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #54 on: July 05, 2019, 04:24:38 PM »
Honestly, my small town is kind of shitty but Roanoke supplies the amenities although it lacks a Whole Foods/Trader Joe's. Screaming!

My son is moving to Roanoke for college in August. I have seriously considered the area but the lack of Trader Joe's makes me sad! I don't need EVERY city amenity, but we love Trader Joe's!

As to the OP, I have considered many relocation options and so far we're sticking with downsizing in our local community. I think if we do leave the area we'll take the often-dispensed advice to rent for a year to prevent what you're experiencing. Not that that's helpful in hindsight. To your issue at hand, I think to build off of the "life is short" comment...if you know it isn't going to work and you can make the change, do it and move on. See it as a lesson, next time rent for a year first to be "sure", and let your regret go.

That would be odd to me to build my living decisions around Trader Joes. Cant live in Spain, no Trader Joes. What about this place? Nope, no Trader Joes. Life is just less enjoyable without our Trader Joes! Weird.

I know! I think Whole Foods is a joke and Trader Joes justodd. The love they inspire is beyond my ken.

 I do occasionally go to TJs to actually buy things ( I go to Whole Foods only to point and laugh )  and as always at Trader Joes I was struck by how everything is over packaged.  Theres so much packaging. And then the very nice young lady who checked me out tried desperately to chat me up as they are trained to do, and I responded because Im polite, but the entire time all I could think of was you dont care about what Im doing today, why do I have to tell you what my plans are for the day, neither one of us give a shit about interacting with each other. Blech.

I am an introvert  in the city. I love city architecture and city institutions.  When we move to our tiny tourist town Im going to maintain an apartment in the city.

I agree about Whole Foods and Trader Joes. Actually, I really like a ton of the food selections at WF, but... I dunno. Being in there always makes me feel like part of the Borg.

But I really agree with you about being an introvert in the city. I find it much easier to be an introvert in a place where I can be as anonymous as I choose. Every time Ive ever lived in a small town, its felt extremely claustrophobic to me. Everybody seems to be watching you, evaluating you. And everyone wants to know your damn business.

startingsmall

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #55 on: July 05, 2019, 04:38:06 PM »
I read a study many years ago where an anthropologist studied people leaving the city for the countryside. He said that if he got to speak with the movers for 15 minutes, he could almost with 100% correctness predict if they would still be living there in 2 years. There are, in general, some serious misconceptions from city folks how it actually is to live in rural areas (and the other way around, for that matter).

Intriguing. Do you remember any of the specific questions or generalizations regarding how to see if one would succeed in relocating?

This whole thread is really informative as we are in the beginning stages of discussion regarding a move from suburba -rural HCOL to more rural/town.

I'd also like to hear more about this! So far, a number of Google searches haven't turned up much.

FireHiker

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #56 on: July 05, 2019, 04:47:24 PM »
Just FYI...Publix is another national chain that lets you buy a mixer sixer or individual bottles of beer.

Cool, thanks! We don't have Publix here but that's good to know for road trips. Sometimes I want A drink on vacation...but don't want to buy a whole six pack of anything.

I agree that there's too much packaging for a lot of items at TJs, but I've noticed it is getting better.

OtherJen

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #57 on: July 05, 2019, 04:47:54 PM »

 I do occasionally go to TJs to actually buy things ( I go to Whole Foods only to point and laugh )  and as always at Trader Joes I was struck by how everything is over packaged.  Theres so much packaging. And then the very nice young lady who checked me out tried desperately to chat me up as they are trained to do, and I responded because Im polite, but the entire time all I could think of was you dont care about what Im doing today, why do I have to tell you what my plans are for the day, neither one of us give a shit about interacting with each other. Blech.

I am an introvert  in the city. I love city architecture and city institutions.  When we move to our tiny tourist town Im going to maintain an apartment in the city.

Haha, yes. Trader Joe's always seems to try too hard. I don't need my grocery shopping experience to be an adventure. I just want to buy food and leave. The cashiers at Aldi and Costco are fast and don't generally chat beyond asking me if I found everything I needed.

aGracefulStomp

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #58 on: July 05, 2019, 06:24:45 PM »
Is there a happy medium between the concrete jungle and the place you've moved? Perhaps somewhere that is less city-like / crowded / concrete but has bit more of a pulse?

I would be hesitant to move back to a place that you knew you didn't like, even if there's an advantage of it being a 'known' rather than 'unknown'.

Why not try somewhere new? And as a person above suggested, rent for a year before you make anything permanent :)

Regardless of what you decide to do, I think it's fantastic that you guys had the guts to act on your plans (even if it didn't directly work out). A lot of people wish they had the opportunity and courage to grab life by the horns, so kudos that you guys did it!

Schaefer Light

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #59 on: July 05, 2019, 06:27:54 PM »
but honestly if you have to get into the car every damn time to do that it really is a pain in the ass. I am with you. Move.

I have to do this even living in town since I'm not near the urban center, which is about 2 miles to the get to the closest restaurants, and double that to get to some other popular places.

Dude - 2 miles is walking distance.
If I walked 2 miles in the Atlanta heat and humidity, no one would want to socialize with me.

calimom

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #60 on: July 05, 2019, 06:34:22 PM »
We used to live in a Bay Area town with great walk-ability, nice weather and lots of diversity. When my husband died, I could not longer afford the high rent, so moved with my kids to an inland area. My aunt helped me find the "perfect" house on 2.5 acres. It was a short sale, and I got a great deal. But right away I realized just how much time was spent in the car just doing the most mundane things. A crappy minimart is three miles away, decent shopping 6 miles. My kids's schools and daycare ranged from 6 to 8 miles. If I had a nickle for every mile I've spent behind the wheel going to playdates, swim practice, and music lessons I'd have...a lot of nickles.

At various times I've thought about moving closer to town, where at least one child could walk to school, and basic services and access to my own work would mean less driving and the attendant cost and environmental impact could be mitigated somewhat. But lassitude keeps me staying put for at least the time being. One reason is I've finally gotten my house the way I like it! So here I am. My middle child is off to college in 2020 and that will leave me with the youngest just entering high school. My mortgage payments are calibrated to end as that child finishes school.

I don't love my town, but have made peace with it as a good place to raise children and builid a business; at some point I'll leave altogether for somewhere that I can walk places and have a different life. And not stretches of 100 degree temps in the summers.

GreenEggs

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #61 on: July 05, 2019, 11:09:04 PM »
I've learned that life is full of compromises.  I like some things about city living and I like some things about country living. 


We live on a lake and am less than 10 minutes from a couple of okay grocery stores.  Aldi, Walmart, & a few restaurants are 15 minutes away.  Airport is about 33 minutes and downtown big city is 38 minutes according to Google maps. 


It's rural, but close enough to the things we need.  I really enjoy living close to nature, seeing wild animals and farmland is calming & makes me happy.  Traffic & crowds tend to stress me out.  This place seems like a good compromise between rural & city living for us.




havregryn

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #62 on: July 06, 2019, 12:00:55 AM »
but honestly if you have to get into the car every damn time to do that it really is a pain in the ass. I am with you. Move.

I have to do this even living in town since I'm not near the urban center, which is about 2 miles to the get to the closest restaurants, and double that to get to some other popular places.

Dude - 2 miles is walking distance.

Yeah, in a city. In a rural area the odds of the road having any kind of a safe infrastructure to walk are slim (so sure if you are a healthy adult who's gonna walk there in daylight maybe that works but if you are bringing kids forget about it) and as someone has already mentioned, it's then probably another 2 miles to some kind of a grocery store or whatever else you might want to visit. So by the time you're done you have an 8 10 miles round trip and again, they maybe works if you are a single adult with nothing else to do and the trip happens in full daylight. Every other set up (you have a schedule to keep so you can't spend 2 3 hours per day walking, you have kids with you, it's gonna be dark by the time you go home and the street is not lit etc), come on. I am saying this as I grew up in a small town and that in Europe (so probably way more infrastructure than average American small town, as statistics seem to imply so) and distances really don't work the same way they do in a city. Sure you can walk it but you can't plan a lifestyle around walkability like you can and many do in a major city.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #63 on: July 06, 2019, 12:20:05 AM »
Thanks for starting this thread. Good to read everyone's experiences. We are also planning to move more rural area next year and part of me is terrified about it.

Our main motivation for it is to move to a place with more beautiful nature and less traffic and noise. I would still like to live on walking/cycling distance to things like a reasonably priced grocery store and a library. And not too far driving to an airport, a hospital and a city where there is something to do. Public transport available.

I think we are not city people, as we have lived the last 20 years 30 km outside the capital in a half rural area and we dislike noise and crowded places. But we, especially I, have been meeting with likeminded people regularly for hobby events and I appreciate that. So I need to get some access to such people.

We are planning to rent first. But I think it will be expensive to move several times, because of the distances. So this is a bit risky during FIRE. But should not bust our budget with the moves.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 12:34:12 AM by Linea_Norway »

habaneroNorway

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #64 on: July 06, 2019, 01:08:03 AM »
I read a study many years ago where an anthropologist studied people leaving the city for the countryside. He said that if he got to speak with the movers for 15 minutes, he could almost with 100% correctness predict if they would still be living there in 2 years. There are, in general, some serious misconceptions from city folks how it actually is to live in rural areas (and the other way around, for that matter).

Intriguing. Do you remember any of the specific questions or generalizations regarding how to see if one would succeed in relocating?

This whole thread is really informative as we are in the beginning stages of discussion regarding a move from suburba -rural HCOL to more rural/town.

I'd also like to hear more about this! So far, a number of Google searches haven't turned up much.

Tried finding it myself without success (it was ages ago and in Norwegian as well btw). I dont really remember any details except it generally being down to very unrealistic assumptions on what life in the countryside would bring. The "15 minutes and almost 100%" probably an exaggeration as well...

 

Zette

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #65 on: July 06, 2019, 01:27:16 AM »
We originally moved as it had been a dream to live away from the ever expanding concrete jungle. We were going to wait until the kids were off to college (8years) to make the move to this area, but decided that it could be a good experience for them as well. Schools are great. We had some medical stuff happen last year that made us realize life is short and not to wait.


I'm curious to hear more about the specifics of what you don't like.  Other than driving to school and the grocery store, what is annoying about where you live?  What do you miss most about your previous area?

GreenEggs

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #66 on: July 06, 2019, 07:52:48 AM »
The only time I've actually lived in a place where I could walk most of the time was in college.  I could walk to classes, to some of my friends, and around downtown.  I still needed to drive for groceries and other things that were more than a mile or so away, especially when the weather was bad.  It was a small town, not a big city.


Bikes and E-bikes might be good options if you are too far to walk but close enough to bike, depending on the terrain and climate you're in.  Scooters are a fun option too.  Golf carts are common in beach towns for zipping around town. 




ender

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #67 on: July 06, 2019, 08:07:04 AM »
basically with 2 kids, there is a ton of driving back and forth. Its hard to enjoy nature when you are in a car most of the day.

One thing that might be worth considering is what activities are available to you because of where you live now.

My wife and I want to live rural for things you can't do as easily in town. We want a huge garden (we have a big one in town already, but not big enough for us). We want to have woods we can wander through.  We want to have more space for things like a greenhouse or workshop shed. Etc.  We love waking up and seeing nature. I'd LOVE to have giant windows on our bedroom facing woods and seeing deer/birds/etc. To have a pond of some sort. Maybe even be able to fish on a larger pond on my property. Even more ideally, to live on water and wake up and go kayaking and watch a sunrise. Etc.

It isn't clear to me why you wanted to live in a rural area, other than "nature." What are you doing where you currently live to take advantage of that?

This thread has sorta reads like "we tried to live the same life we lived in the city" and not "we moved rural to do things you can only do rural." Which is fine - if you want the city life, then live in a city :-) But recognize that if you live in the country, you will want to take advantage of the things you can do there that are unique.

habaneroNorway

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #68 on: July 06, 2019, 08:43:03 AM »
Dude - 2 miles is walking distance.
If I walked 2 miles in the Atlanta heat and humidity, no one would want to socialize with me.

It was a failed attempt at irony - I'm very much used to live in rural areas and I'm fully aware of how dependent one is of car. Even if public transport is available. I come from a place with spectacular nature and endless opportunities for outdoor life. But without a car? Forget it. There ain't any buses running to but a few of places where trips start.  And if they do, they are few and infrequent and don't run late. Where I come from everyone gets their driving licence when they turn 18 within a handful of days. Its just the only way to get around.

On a more general point it's important to realize that when moving to rural areas some things are way cheaper (housing being the main thing) but others become more expensive (transport - ptobably need 2 cars in a couple if both are working).

Parizade

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #69 on: July 06, 2019, 12:57:32 PM »
Our main motivation for it is to move to a place with more beautiful nature and less traffic and noise. I would still like to live on walking/cycling distance to things like a reasonably priced grocery store and a library. And not too far driving to an airport, a hospital and a city where there is something to do. Public transport available.

I bought a condo in a tiny (less than 1000 residents) rural town. The post office, library, grocery store, florist/gift shop, restaurant, bowling alley/bar etc. are within 3 blocks of my home. The bus stop to the nearest big town (w TJ and intl' airport) is less than 2 blocks (it's a commuter bus, runs back and forth twice daily, 45 minutes one way). The trailhead for a 20+ mile paved bike trail (which ends at another large town) is less than a mile from my home, and the nearest state park (with 2 rivers and a lake with a beach) is a 30 minute walk. My children are grown, but if they were not the school is also within walking distance.

I can't order pizza delivery to my house, and there is no convenient fast food so I have to cook more often than I did before. The nearest medical clinic is 15 miles away, which would be inconvenient without a car (note, there was a clinic in town when I bought the condo, it has since closed). The grocery store is more expensive than it would be in a larger town, but they will deliver to my home for free once a week if I need it. There is a marked lack of diversity and a political environment that is further to the right than I would like. But overall I can live with these minor issues.

startingsmall

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #70 on: July 06, 2019, 04:32:23 PM »
We want to have woods we can wander through. 

Interesting point about that. I moved to a rural area from a medium-city/suburban area, thinking there would be more access to nature. I quickly learned that I was wrong.

All of the woods around me? Privately owned, with no tresspassing signs every 50 feet. I can drive half an hour to one really short trail, roughly an hour each way to access some longer trails, or about two hours to reach somewhere suitable for more than a couple of hours of walking.

I had MUCH better park access in suburban FL than rural NC. YMMV, but I never even thought to research that when I moved here. I mean, come on, there's nature everywhere! But I can only view it through my car window.

Unfortunately, rural often means lack of parks and other infrastructure. So unless you plan on owning huge amounts of your own woods to walk in, do your research before assuming that rural means easy outdoor access.

ender

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #71 on: July 06, 2019, 04:42:59 PM »
Unfortunately, rural often means lack of parks and other infrastructure. So unless you plan on owning huge amounts of your own woods to walk in, do your research before assuming that rural means easy outdoor access.

Obviously it depends. If you move to a rural area that isn't wooded, then you aren't going to have woods.

The last property I looked at in any seriousness was 12 acres of woods next to state forest.

startingsmall

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #72 on: July 06, 2019, 06:06:37 PM »
Unfortunately, rural often means lack of parks and other infrastructure. So unless you plan on owning huge amounts of your own woods to walk in, do your research before assuming that rural means easy outdoor access.

Obviously it depends. If you move to a rural area that isn't wooded, then you aren't going to have woods.

The last property I looked at in any seriousness was 12 acres of woods next to state forest.

Your decision-making process sounds more sound than this former city girl's. LOL.

Linea_Norway

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #73 on: July 07, 2019, 02:38:45 AM »
But how the woods are and whether those are accessable, are typically something you find out by visiting the place. It would be weird to buy something totally unknown.

I mostly associate the word rural with farmland areas. That it indeed not the same as outdoor area. Luckily where I live, much land is state owned or publically accessable by law. Trespassing signs are very uncommon.

Malkynn

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #74 on: July 07, 2019, 06:12:28 AM »
"Rural" and "Urban" are really, really broad terms.
For some, it will mean living on an isolated dirt road surrounded by farms, for another it will mean living in the middle of a walkable village, for another it will mean expansive forests in your back yard.
Some rural communities are hours away from the nearest urban center, others are a 20 minute drive.

You can't really just move somewhere rural, with a vague notion of "nature" and expect to be happy.

Likewise, you can't just pick a random neighbourhood in a random urban center and expect to be happy because it's "urban".

No matter where you are looking to move, you have to think very carefully about what you want your life to look like, what your deal breakers are, and what neighbourhoods can best provide to match those needs.

It's very very difficult to find a place that meets your needs until you thoroughly understand those needs. And it's best not to buy property until you determine those.

OP: it sounds like you've found two neighbourhoods that don't meet your needs. That doesn't at all mean that you shouldn't live urban or rural, it just means that you haven't yet figured out what you actually want.

That's okay, but maybe rent for awhile before committing financially to a location next time?

I've lived in dozens of neighbourhoods in several areas, from mega cities to tiny villages. It's taken me years to figure out what I really wanted, but I didn't buy anything until I was certain.

startingsmall

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #75 on: July 07, 2019, 07:20:14 AM »
But how the woods are and whether those are accessable, are typically something you find out by visiting the place. It would be weird to buy something totally unknown.


True, and I didn't buy when I first moved here. I rented. But once I found a job and a significant other, it became just as difficult to leave!

Anyway, I get that it was a stupid assumption on my part. As a 20-something year old city girl, though, I just didn't think about it and was swept up in quaint images of "country life." Just sharing info to hopefully help others avoid the same mistake.

Noodle

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #76 on: July 07, 2019, 09:32:39 AM »
Well, first of all, I think you should be very proud of your family for trying something new. Lots of people on this site get stuck in analysis and never actually DO something. You've had an adventure together and no matter what you do next (and even if it did cost some money), you're making memories that will last for the rest of your life. Not every experiment works out...that's the nature of an experiment--no matter how much you research and plan ahead of time!

That said, would you consider giving yourself a little more time before you make up your mind? My parents moved a lot when I was young, as have I, and we all agree that it takes a minimum of a year to get settled in a new place, especially if it's really different from where you came from. Honestly, the 4-8 month period is the worst (at a new job or a new place)--the excitement of novelty has worn off, you're noticing what your new home doesn't have, you haven't necessarily found replacements or new benefits to balance it out...I moved from a city that I loved to a city that I was really meh on, for excellent reasons, and it took a year+ to feel happy here. (It's still not my favorite place, but I'll be perfectly fine here as long as I'm working at this particular job and I have found a lot to like about it). Is this your first move as a family? (if not, please excuse the question, but moving is getting to be rarer now, and if you haven't moved as a family before, it could be easy to underestimate the challenge). The other thing to ask yourself might be whether you and your spouse have ended up in a negative feedback cycle...you're not happy, so you notice and discuss the negatives, so you notice more negatives, etc.

You say the schools are great, so your kids aren't being harmed. THe money's already been spent, so it's not costing you anything to stay. Six months to a year is not very long in the span of a lifetime...why not give it a little longer, try to put aside all feelings one way or the other, and re-evaluate when you have more data to work with.

I am absolutely not discounting your feelings--maybe this isn't the right place for you, you already know it, and it's time to make a decision. Just wanted to offer another perspective!

Gumption

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #77 on: July 08, 2019, 05:27:48 AM »
Thanks Noodle,
I agree with your experienced-based thoughts. The early stages of relocation (4-8months as you say) can be rough. Novelty has worn off and reality has set it in. I appreciate your comments on the negative feedback cycle. I think, indeed, we are somewhere in that loop. Part of it, I am sure, has to do with the fact that we are looking at this new place (it doesn't matter if its rural or just another city really) with the eyes of our old place. Every thing we see here is judged with the tools we used to function in our old environment. The fact could be, that with each new environment, you need to develop new eyes in which to see it.

It is an adventure, which is what we wanted. It is turning out to be pretty painful for this 40 something, but I attribute that to the fact I was becoming too set in my old ways. Growth is painful.

I think for the kids this will be a great experience, and will better set them up for the vicissitudes that lay before them in life.

Relocating involves grieving. It takes time to get to acceptance, and one can't simply skip all the hard steps and get directly to that state of mind.

I think one point I would like to make for the other parties of interest here is this: One thing I unconsciously thought was that I would be the same person throughout this move. Quite simply, I was just taking me and plunking it down in a new location. The reality is, a large part of us is bound up with our particular environment. I can't pinpoint the exact areas of my psyche that environment affects, but it does. When you move to a new location, there becomes a gap, or rather many gaps, that will eventually be filled in over time in the new environment. But, until these get filled in, you become stuck in a bit of a limbo that can be quite painful to endure. Some may label this all under the heading "homesickness," but it's a bit more existential than that. It's downright scary at times. In a way, though, its exactly what I wanted to happen. It's just a bit difficult now!

Anyway, be forewarned any of you adventurous sorts out there who are considering a move a bit later in life.

The only way out is through, as Bob Frost said.
« Last Edit: July 08, 2019, 05:44:11 AM by Gumption »

Just Joe

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #78 on: July 09, 2019, 02:07:23 PM »
I've learned that life is full of compromises.  I like some things about city living and I like some things about country living. 


We live on a lake and am less than 10 minutes from a couple of okay grocery stores.  Aldi, Walmart, & a few restaurants are 15 minutes away.  Airport is about 33 minutes and downtown big city is 38 minutes according to Google maps. 


It's rural, but close enough to the things we need.  I really enjoy living close to nature, seeing wild animals and farmland is calming & makes me happy.  Traffic & crowds tend to stress me out.  This place seems like a good compromise between rural & city living for us.

Perfect description. Similar motivations for DW and I.

wageslave23

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #79 on: July 10, 2019, 09:40:55 AM »
Thanks Noodle,
I agree with your experienced-based thoughts. The early stages of relocation (4-8months as you say) can be rough. Novelty has worn off and reality has set it in. I appreciate your comments on the negative feedback cycle. I think, indeed, we are somewhere in that loop. Part of it, I am sure, has to do with the fact that we are looking at this new place (it doesn't matter if its rural or just another city really) with the eyes of our old place. Every thing we see here is judged with the tools we used to function in our old environment. The fact could be, that with each new environment, you need to develop new eyes in which to see it.

It is an adventure, which is what we wanted. It is turning out to be pretty painful for this 40 something, but I attribute that to the fact I was becoming too set in my old ways. Growth is painful.

I think for the kids this will be a great experience, and will better set them up for the vicissitudes that lay before them in life.

Relocating involves grieving. It takes time to get to acceptance, and one can't simply skip all the hard steps and get directly to that state of mind.

I think one point I would like to make for the other parties of interest here is this: One thing I unconsciously thought was that I would be the same person throughout this move. Quite simply, I was just taking me and plunking it down in a new location. The reality is, a large part of us is bound up with our particular environment. I can't pinpoint the exact areas of my psyche that environment affects, but it does. When you move to a new location, there becomes a gap, or rather many gaps, that will eventually be filled in over time in the new environment. But, until these get filled in, you become stuck in a bit of a limbo that can be quite painful to endure. Some may label this all under the heading "homesickness," but it's a bit more existential than that. It's downright scary at times. In a way, though, its exactly what I wanted to happen. It's just a bit difficult now!

Anyway, be forewarned any of you adventurous sorts out there who are considering a move a bit later in life.

The only way out is through, as Bob Frost said.

Have you made friends in the new location?  That can make a HUGE difference, especially if you feel isolated or bored.  If you knew the locals and were going to bonfires and cookouts every couple of days would that change your opinion?  Because that takes time to develop.  The cost of groceries is likely irrelevant, because the extra $100 in groceries a month is probably offset by moving costs.

Nickel

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #80 on: July 10, 2019, 11:48:28 AM »
We recently moved to a more rural setting. Mid life crisis. We have 2 kids (13, 9) that have adjusted pretty well so far.

Although being near nature certainly has its benefits, we are finding many of the unforeseen aspects of living 10mins outside a small town (25k) is not sustainable, nor MMM-compliant.

The driving, the hassle of not having easy access to stores, the expense of the local grocery store (whole foods was much cheaper) and the lack of connections are killing us.
The schools are very good, but that is not a big enough reason to deal with the downsides.

Anyone been through this? Has anyone moved back because of this?

I know we will lose some money selling our house and moving back to our original "home"town, but we are seriously considering doing it. We had a fairly decent FIRE plan in place there. That is now in limbo given our situation here. I want to move back and into less of a house to make up for the decision we've made to move out here.

Help :-)

My family moved from Portland, OR to a rural area nearby when I was 7.  My spouse had a similar experience.  My spouse and I both  left rural life at age 18 and have been dedicated city dwellers ever since. 

Although my dad still owns the 45 acres of forest land, house and buildings that I grew up on, he now lives in a retirement community in a nearby college town.  My siblings and I share and manage his house/property.  Less than an hour from the city.  Best of both worlds.  My spouse's parent still own the 5 acres in wine country that she grew up on (70 miles from Portland).  We visit often, but are not tempted to leave Portland. 

I find it more enjoyable to live in the city and visit natural areas than to do the reverse.  Especially where we now live: a short walk to a large park in Portland, and less than an hour from the Cascade mountains and the Pacific ocean. 

Where I grew up, if you needed groceries, it was a 20 mile, 30+ minute round trip.  School bus rides were an hour each way.  I got my drivers' license and bought a car (aka freedom and social opportunity) when I turned 16, but car payments, insurance and gas consumed most of my budget. 

I still get the romance and appeal of rural life.  But sometimes you have to experience the realities of it to know whether it is a good fit.  The same is true of expat life, van life, sailing, perpetual travel or other experiences.  If you hear the siren call, try it and enjoy it.  But don't be discouraged if it doesn't work out long term.  In the long run, life's experimental "failures" can add more joy, wisdom and memories than what seemed like safe "success" in real time. 

« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 11:50:35 AM by Nickel »

2Cent

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #81 on: July 11, 2019, 05:52:20 AM »
I'm thinking this is a common adjustment issue.
See, the expat curve:
https://www.lostlaowai.com/blog/ae/china-videos/watch-expat-curve-coping-phases-living-abroad/
I would give it some more time and look for the root cause of your dissatisfaction. Else you limit yourself to living only in the place you're already used to. For me the main issue is the feeling of powerlessness. Things that I could easily do at home now require effort and nothing is like what I'm used to. The answer if you want to make it there is that you need to become local. Live, eat and work like them and build a social circle.

mizzourah2006

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #82 on: July 11, 2019, 07:37:44 AM »

I wonder if theres a happy medium. My husband grew up in a small rural city, where a 5-minute drive in any direction outside city limits places you in farmland. But its large enough to have multiple grocery stores (including an Aldi) and lots of social and volunteer groups (my FIL is very involved in Rotary). A rural university town may also give you the best of both worlds.

This is the dynamic my family enjoys currently. We lived "in the city" for almost 10 years prior to deciding to move to a more rural part of the same county. We built our house on a large piece of farmland that feels like it's in the middle of nowhere, but in reality we are 5-10 minutes from stores, restaurants, etc. So we get to enjoy the peace and quiet of being away from the noise and congestion of the city, but still being close enough to civilization to be convenient for groceries, dining, and recreation.

On the work from home front...I'm a little confused why working from home in the city and working from home in the country would be vastly different. Isn't working from home the same regardless of where the home is located? You're still going to be in your home, at a desk or in a work space, on a computer...right?

Same, outside of college in Columbia, Missouri I lived in Saint Louis, Pittsburgh, and Orlando. While certainly not booming metropolis' they are definitely good sized cities. We moved to Northwest Arkansas about 7 years ago and certainly thought it was going to be a 3-5 year thing and we'd be off, well we were right about my job only lasting 5 years, I got an excellent offer from a consulting company, but instead of moving we asked that I could remain remote and we decided we wanted to stay here. It's getting larger, about 500k now, but it has basically everything we want outside of professional sports. It's close to a university, so it's not overly conservative like most of the mid south, it has very good public schools (compared to Saint Louis and Orlando), has a good beer scene, great outdoors (mountain biking, hiking, rivers, lakes), which we are really into, etc. Plus because of the uni and large companies here there are a lot of other transplants, which make you feel not as isolated as some cities like STL and Pitt, where it seemed everyone you met was from there and had groups of friends from the time they were 8.

I don't know about extremely rural, but I've really grown to enjoy small metro (~100th largest in US size).

Fishindude

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #83 on: July 11, 2019, 08:09:46 AM »
I love the rural life and location and would like to be even more remote.   It's not for everybody.
Wish all those city folks would quit building houses out here in the country and stay in town.

When the leaves are on I can't see a single neighbors house from our house.   We can open burn and have campfires, pee anywhere you want, shoot firearms, hunt, fish & forage, play around on the tractors, ride ATV's all over the place (on roads too), have a big garden, build stuff without permits, and generally do about anything we want.

Regarding stores, all we really need is a grocery, lumber yard, hardware, liquor, farm store and someplace to buy fuel, those are all within a 20 minute drive.   Just about anything else can be purchased online and delivered.  Don't really care much about entertainment or fine dining.   If my kids were still in school, having them in a rural school would be reason enough to stay.   Schools in the bigger communities are getting pretty bad.


Just Joe

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #84 on: July 11, 2019, 08:35:26 AM »
I consider bicycle distance to be the right distance from town. The drive into town to shop is nothing but the mileage still makes for a good bike ride. People's properties are bigger. More trees and greenery. Still a ton of nature around. It actually gets dark at night. Quiet most of the time.

We can play with all our toys - like Fishindude said - even on the roads. All sorts of animal noises, deer in the front yard each week, amazing sunsets, and plenty of room to build a project without a power tool disturbing anyone. People come to our part of the world to vacation and explore and we get to live here all the time. Small but growing town. The state university here is what helps make the town a nice place to live. Plenty of varied ideas about everything. A good beer scene with several local brews to drink. Local vineyards to enjoy. Plenty of events to attend - music, food, stage, etc.

Living in the city - well, its different. its been long enough that it doesn't hold much appeal anymore. I remember needing to lock up everything constantly - especially tools b/c if I ran inside for a bathroom break, there was a chance some dude would come along and grab something. Living in the city could feel so "out there". Privacy and space are not guarantees.

I remember carefully picking times when I could be noisy so I didn't disturb the people who lived a driveway's width away. I remember those people who didn't care that they lived in close quarters and would roar past in a noisy car, noisy scooter/motorcycle or with the thumping stereo. I don't like the average person enough to live that close to them.

We love to visit the city. We do discuss living like that. No point in owning a nice vehicle that gets parked at the curb all the time. Depending on how close the living arrangements are - it might be that we'd always want to be out somewhere to escape our little apartment. I lived like that in the military and for me it was expensive. To sit in a cafe or bar, something needs to be purchased. To be away from home all day or all evening, usually food is purchased, food and/or tickets. Eventually the luster of going out wears off and then I'm stuck at home in a place I don't like without enough space.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 08:45:56 AM by Just Joe »

Parizade

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #85 on: July 11, 2019, 09:00:14 AM »
It actually gets dark at night. Quiet most of the time.

YES! It gets dark and there are fireflies. You can see the Milky Way. And so blessedly quiet. No freeway hum in the background, No jets zooming over every 5 minutes. No ambient anxiety over crime (with it's constant awareness of locking up). My little town is never on the national evening news because a heinous crime of violence was committed here. Can't say the same for my previous hometown.
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 10:08:27 AM by Parizade »

GuitarStv

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #86 on: July 11, 2019, 09:05:53 AM »
but honestly if you have to get into the car every damn time to do that it really is a pain in the ass. I am with you. Move.

I have to do this even living in town since I'm not near the urban center, which is about 2 miles to the get to the closest restaurants, and double that to get to some other popular places.

Dude - 2 miles is walking distance.

LOL.  That's just to the nearest restaurant, one way.  I never see people walking on that route except for exercise and walking their dogs.  Work is 4 mile round trip as well.  And I'm not going to waste all that extra time walking in summer heat or winter cold, and we often have rain as well.  And carrying groceries nearly 4 miles isn't going to happen, either.  So the bottom line is that I am using the car every time I need to go somewhere, despite living in city limits.  It's well worth it to me - I don't mind using the car - that's what I bought it for, and I still have an 80% savings rate.  I use the bike for recreational exercise during the summer months when it's OK that I sweat because I'm not going anywhere.

I use my bike for getting groceries year round.  The closest grocery store is about two or three miles, but I like the produce better at the store six miles away.  We also have rain (and snow) here in Canada.  It's great exercise, and you're not needlessly contributing to the environmental damage that goes along with driving.

Saying 'I still have an 80% savings rate' isn't really a great argument for clown car usage.  By the same logic, you could justify any purchase if you're making a large enough salary.

Cranky

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #87 on: July 11, 2019, 09:16:47 AM »
Moving is hard. It has always taken me about a year to feel settled into a new place.

If there was some reason why you thought moving to the country would be great, I'd give it some time and see if you adapt.

In terms of running errands, I'd suggest consolidating them and doing an errand run once/week, and then a less frequent run to wherever is the Big Place.

I live in a small urban-ish Rust Belt area, and because I don't drive, most of our errands are Saturday morning. About once/season we head to the Big City which is an hour away, and go to "fancier places" like Trader Joes and Penzeys. We keep a running a list of stuff we want to restock.

I don't really enjoy shopping, so I'm happy not to do it too often.

Just Joe

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Re: Regretting Relocation
« Reply #88 on: July 11, 2019, 09:27:09 AM »
I don't really enjoy shopping, so I'm happy not to do it too often.

Amen!