Author Topic: Pushed DH to hard  (Read 9861 times)

CCEddy54

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Pushed DH to hard
« on: May 18, 2016, 07:31:37 AM »
So last night DH was frustrated and had a hard time explaining why to me. I am a very chill kind of person that doesn't yell ( I get quiet). We have been together 9 years and have been threw a lot together. But talking is something we always do, so his hesitation made me so scared.  He finally told me that he feels all he does is work and then work on the house with no time for himself.
I heard him as clear as day and responded with: we had a conversation about keeping or selling the house. You wanted to keep the house for a couple more years and we have to do work on it. We would have the house done this year of all the major things (roof,windows, ect,) so regular upkeep from then on. He also was upset that I had him up the 401k (for my future) though it really is for us. Told him this keeps us from paying next year. After a good night of thought I realized he sees this summer with house repairs every week-end with no fishing. Tonight I will let him know that two more week-end of repairs and the rest of the summer of fishing. Compromise equals a good marriage and a long one. I think we can get so caught up with things we forget that there is a WE not a ME.

FIRE47

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2016, 12:57:58 PM »
I think the best place to look is if you are doing your fair share? I think I would be upset too if I felt I was being driven like a rented mule and the duties weren't being fairly (not necessarily equally) divided. The money may just be the straw the broke the camels back.

2buttons

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2016, 01:10:37 PM »
To me - He sounds stressed out and that he does not have much say in the planning of house repairs/maintenance (reading between the lines a Honey Do List) and on the household finances. 

I might consider easing up on him on the front end rather than on the back end if you can.  Sounds like he needs a break and is stressing about cash.   

HipGnosis

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2016, 01:27:34 PM »
I'm hearing that you heard him (clear as day) but you don't have any empathy for him and that you (singular) made decisions for both of you and you (singular again) think that is a compromise.

I don't yell either.  But I'd sure wouldn't be putting full effort into finishing the house 'work'.

big_owl

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2016, 01:36:16 PM »
Sometimes we get burned out of DIY type stuff around the house and just hire a contractor.  Case in point - our ridge vent has a slight leak during rain.  Sorry I ain't climbing around on the roof or in the attic during the summer to debug that one - just hired a contractor this afternoon to do the work.  Very minor wter damage but will necessitate repainting the ceiling on the entire second story of the house.  Yeah we could to it but it would take a while and we'd have to rent scaffolding to do the two-story room.  F-that....my time is more worthwhile doing other things.  Gonna hire that one out as well.  There's no shame in punting on some work around the house if you're just fed up with it. 


Giro

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2016, 02:10:27 PM »
I had similar feelings as a couple of the other posters.  It sounds like you are dictating chores to him.  Do you work full time and make the same amount of money?  Cause I can tell ya, I make more money than my husband (okay, it's close if you count his military retirement) and if he started telling me how to spend every weekend, I'd have a few choice words.  I value my free time IMMENSELY. 

Don't give him a weekend off in a few weeks (you are not his boss)...sit down and go over a schedule of chores and BOTH of you decide on how to handle accomplishing things. 




jan62

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2016, 02:29:02 PM »
you're right about a good marriage needing compromise. Married 35+ years here and my wonderful hubby is one of those DIYers who starts projects and rarely finishes. He'd rather spend his weekends cycling. I learned early on that both of us spending time on things we enjoy is actually far more beneficial to our marriage and our wellbeing than having the house all done and so we plod along with it and we still like each other as a result.
 It does sound like you might be the one making the decisions and organising his time for him from what you've written. I could be wrong but if thats what happens then perhaps a big rethink is needed about how the two of you communicate and are decisions really being made 50/50?  I know if my partner gave me a list that took up half my weekends off after work a long work week,  I'd wouldn't have a bar of it.

MilesTeg

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2016, 02:45:43 PM »
He's your husband, not your employee. Why are you dictating what he does with his time rather than coming to a mutual agreement on what is going to be done, when, and by whom?

mathlete

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #8 on: May 18, 2016, 03:25:49 PM »
Tonight I will let him know that two more week-end of repairs and the rest of the summer of fishing.

I'd probably be upset if my girlfriend said something like this to me TBH.

woopwoop

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #9 on: May 18, 2016, 04:02:36 PM »
I had similar feelings as a couple of the other posters.  It sounds like you are dictating chores to him.  Do you work full time and make the same amount of money?  Cause I can tell ya, I make more money than my husband (okay, it's close if you count his military retirement) and if he started telling me how to spend every weekend, I'd have a few choice words.  I value my free time IMMENSELY. 

Don't give him a weekend off in a few weeks (you are not his boss)...sit down and go over a schedule of chores and BOTH of you decide on how to handle accomplishing things.
Totally agree. Why are you pushing him at all, OP? If he's not enjoying his time right now, maybe it would be better to ease up on retirement plans and start spending some time to enjoy today. If those are his priorities, then you should  be working with them instead of trying to order him around the way you want things to go.

fishnfool

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #10 on: May 18, 2016, 06:43:05 PM »

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #11 on: May 18, 2016, 07:57:47 PM »

Cyaphas

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2016, 08:24:53 PM »

Tonight I will let him know that two more week-end of repairs and the rest of the summer of fishing. Compromise equals a good marriage and a long one.


The way you said this is pretty damn scary. This isn't compromise, it's dictatorship. Some relationships are like that. Some even function better like that. But, I think if he's at the edge of his wits he may break and then you'll either have to find a new dynamic or a new relationship. Ask him what he wants to do, then let him do whatever he wants to do, obviously within reason. After he's relaxed and a month has gone by, broach the subject, test the waters, DON'T dictate.

Villanelle

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #13 on: May 18, 2016, 08:32:27 PM »
How about instead of granting him parole after he serves only two more weeks of his sentence, you ask him to think about a specific schedule he thinks is realistic and fairly comfortable for him, while keeping your desires and goals in mind?

sleepyguy

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #14 on: May 18, 2016, 08:35:00 PM »
It shouldn't matter who makes x amount over y amount.  In a marriage/partnership, it's all 'pooled' money.

Issue here is honestly... what is the damn rush!  Chill out and let DH take his time on working on the house (if he doesn't enjoy it at all, pay someone to do it).

I had similar feelings as a couple of the other posters.  It sounds like you are dictating chores to him.  Do you work full time and make the same amount of money?  Cause I can tell ya, I make more money than my husband (okay, it's close if you count his military retirement) and if he started telling me how to spend every weekend, I'd have a few choice words.  I value my free time IMMENSELY. 

Don't give him a weekend off in a few weeks (you are not his boss)...sit down and go over a schedule of chores and BOTH of you decide on how to handle accomplishing things.

cube.37

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #15 on: May 19, 2016, 12:17:48 PM »
It shouldn't matter who makes x amount over y amount.  In a marriage/partnership, it's all 'pooled' money.

Issue here is honestly... what is the damn rush!  Chill out and let DH take his time on working on the house (if he doesn't enjoy it at all, pay someone to do it).

I had similar feelings as a couple of the other posters.  It sounds like you are dictating chores to him.  Do you work full time and make the same amount of money?  Cause I can tell ya, I make more money than my husband (okay, it's close if you count his military retirement) and if he started telling me how to spend every weekend, I'd have a few choice words.  I value my free time IMMENSELY. 

Don't give him a weekend off in a few weeks (you are not his boss)...sit down and go over a schedule of chores and BOTH of you decide on how to handle accomplishing things.

This. I might make more than my wife working the same hours during the week, but our time is equally valuable. I wouldn't expect her to do more chores over the weekend just cus I brought in more money during the week...

OP, are you doing the same amount of work as your husband? If he's working 40 hours during the week, then 10 hours on home improvement during the weekend, are you also working about 50 hours in total during the week? And even if you are, you might want to work more than your husband if you're the one pushing for early retirement. In one of the posts here on the topic of convincing your SO to jump on the bandwagon, one of the best suggestions is that you should do more than what you're expecting from your partner. So for example, I'm the one pushing early retirement on my wife, so I've voluntarily given up my allowance while she still has one.

Fishindude

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #16 on: May 19, 2016, 12:31:01 PM »
I'd just tell you I'm going fishing and I'll get to the house stuff when I get to it.

deeshen13

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2016, 08:37:25 PM »
Haha I'd be out the door so fast on that last line.

Doesn't sound like a healthy way to treat him.

nr

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2016, 08:47:42 PM »
After a good night of thought I realized he sees this summer with house repairs every week-end with no fishing. Tonight I will let him know that two more week-end of repairs and the rest of the summer of fishing. Compromise equals a good marriage and a long one. I think we can get so caught up with things we forget that there is a WE not a ME.

So...you're kind of a bitch.MOD NOTE: Forum rule #1. Don't be a jerk.  Also, respect fellow forum members.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 10:23:50 PM by swick »

Sailor Sam

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2016, 09:08:18 PM »
After a good night of thought I realized he sees this summer with house repairs every week-end with no fishing. Tonight I will let him know that two more week-end of repairs and the rest of the summer of fishing. Compromise equals a good marriage and a long one. I think we can get so caught up with things we forget that there is a WE not a ME.

So...you're kind of a bitch.

No, too far. Check out rule one. Let's keep ourselves civil, and the moderators relaxing.

WildJager

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #20 on: May 19, 2016, 09:35:42 PM »
After a good night of thought I realized he sees this summer with house repairs every week-end with no fishing. Tonight I will let him know that two more week-end of repairs and the rest of the summer of fishing. Compromise equals a good marriage and a long one. I think we can get so caught up with things we forget that there is a WE not a ME.

So...you're kind of a bitch.

No, too far. Check out rule one. Let's keep ourselves civil, and the moderators relaxing.

Concur.

OP, I think what some of the others have said in a not so eloquent fashion is that his time is his time, even if you are married.  I've found it a simple end to heartache when it comes to sharing household tasks if I consider myself living alone for all the drudgery or tedious work.  Then, if my spouse helps (and she usually becomes much more eager when she sees me working hard to make a better life for us), then all the better because I'm getting unexpected assistance to do the things I need to to live.  Often, after watching my patterns, she asks how she can help. 

My wife used to be messier than me around the house.  Granted, I was a bit of a neat freak, but it was a bit excessive.  It took me some time to learn, but nagging didn't help.  Setting an example, and then showing (and explaining if asked) the merit of an organized house helped her see my intent much better than setting arbitrary rules.  These days, she wants the house cleaner than me!  I laugh to myself when I get a bit of rubbing for leaving a mess around the house occasionally.  The irony is not lost on me.  :)

This translates to everything, including renovating a house.  By gone are the years where women are considered too frail to swing a hammer.  Show your husband the mettle you possess and he just might be inspired to heed your example.  Telling him what to do, along with any unsolicited advice, generally will lead to a bad time.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2016, 09:37:52 PM by WildJager »

Jeremy E.

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #21 on: May 19, 2016, 10:03:18 PM »
I can see where he's coming from, not having much time for yourself sucks, I currently work all week and then work at home every weekend, it's tiring. But in 3-4 months I should be mainly done and be able to rent out my 2nd house, then have more free time. I would take some weekends off, but every month the house isn't rented out is a month I'm losing money. If it were renovations on the house I'm living in, I'd spend less time on it. I'm also thinking of scaling back my 401k, I have it set to max out right around the end of the year currently, which would be fine, except when I'm doing things like spending $2,000 on a water hookup, $750 on sewer hookup, $2,500 on electric hookup, $400 for siding, etc. etc. etc. so many things adding up that I'm spending on the house is making it difficult to save as much as I'd like to.

MrMonkeyMustache

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #22 on: May 20, 2016, 12:36:57 AM »
A lot of hard feedback for the OP already, but I have to mention one thing. Getting quiet in an argument is not being a "chill" person. It can actually be more frustrating for the other part than yelling, because silence is a total refusal to deal with the situation at hand.

rantk81

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #23 on: May 20, 2016, 03:52:25 AM »
I admit, I looked through the OPs posting history on the forum to see if this thread was possibly a troll or not. 

CCEddy54

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #24 on: May 20, 2016, 06:46:10 AM »
WOW you all assume I don't make the same money and sit around while he does all the work. You have no idea what I do or don't do in our house hold. I am the one who saved us from losing the house 6 years ago, he wanted to do the house bills (his name on the house) an I took care of all the chores except the cooking (I was more than willing to share this too). When we got a notice that we were losing the house I gently said let me see what we can do. Since we fixed this I do the finances, but we had no money to do repairs till three years ago. HE wanted to be part of the repairs when a handy man was used to make sure it was done right. I worked extra to pay these people and did the house chores. Each year we have had to fix the house one peace at a time to be able to afford it, I do all the yard clean up except mowing the lawn (weeding, raking) even with my bad back I am just slower then some. As for saying two more weeks then the summer off, you were all off base. He was thinking he would have to work the hole summer I didn't want him to. The windows have to be done in the next two weeks because our helper is available only then and yes they have to be done.
None of you asked what I will be doing while he is fishing..strange isn't it. Well I will be weeding, staining the three porches, house chores, getting his fishing license, taking care of our two grandchildren and so on. See he didn't  marry a lazy wife, he married a wife who doesn't need to list the things she does compared to him. HE will tell you I went threw H_ll with my step son and was the one the family look to for help with this (three years of this), I was the one who pushed them into getting him in to treatment so we would not lose him. I am the one who puts them all first because I care so much. So ya I am not handy with tools, or ladders but I do my share if not more. My stuff isn't always seen like a new window, but I am there.

Metric Mouse

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #25 on: May 20, 2016, 06:57:21 AM »
A lot of hard feedback for the OP already, but I have to mention one thing. Getting quiet in an argument is not being a "chill" person. It can actually be more frustrating for the other part than yelling, because silence is a total refusal to deal with the situation at hand.

To be fair, some people who yell aren't dealing with the situation either. They're blowing up and escalating an argument to shut it down as quickly as possible to avoid dealing with it.  I would agree that shutting down in a disagreement isn't helpful, but neither is escalating it.  Honest and constructive communication is more important than the volume level or how many words are used.

tipster350

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #26 on: May 20, 2016, 06:58:17 AM »
Your choice, you can turn this all around to feel victimized and accused of laziness, which no one accused you of, or you can take the input and see if there is a way to communicate in a more supportive way for your marriage and long term plans. It seems that you have chosen option 1. Good luck

ender

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2016, 07:02:59 AM »
WOW you all assume I don't make the same money and sit around while he does all the work. You have no idea what I do or don't do in our house hold. I am the one who saved us from losing the house 6 years ago, he wanted to do the house bills (his name on the house) an I took care of all the chores except the cooking (I was more than willing to share this too). When we got a notice that we were losing the house I gently said let me see what we can do. Since we fixed this I do the finances, but we had no money to do repairs till three years ago. HE wanted to be part of the repairs when a handy man was used to make sure it was done right. I worked extra to pay these people and did the house chores. Each year we have had to fix the house one peace at a time to be able to afford it, I do all the yard clean up except mowing the lawn (weeding, raking) even with my bad back I am just slower then some. As for saying two more weeks then the summer off, you were all off base. He was thinking he would have to work the hole summer I didn't want him to. The windows have to be done in the next two weeks because our helper is available only then and yes they have to be done.
None of you asked what I will be doing while he is fishing..strange isn't it. Well I will be weeding, staining the three porches, house chores, getting his fishing license, taking care of our two grandchildren and so on. See he didn't  marry a lazy wife, he married a wife who doesn't need to list the things she does compared to him. HE will tell you I went threw H_ll with my step son and was the one the family look to for help with this (three years of this), I was the one who pushed them into getting him in to treatment so we would not lose him. I am the one who puts them all first because I care so much. So ya I am not handy with tools, or ladders but I do my share if not more. My stuff isn't always seen like a new window, but I am there.

Pushing the expectations you have of yourself onto others is a great way to cause conflict.

It sounds like you highly value being busy and doing things that are "productive" in some way. You push this expectation on him for the same. But it sounds like he values being able to relax more. And/or doesn't value the things you value as much.

Also, your original post made it sound like the conversation went like:

  • H - "I feel like all I do is work and never get free time"
  • You - "too bad you signed up for this don't you remember?"

One really important relational approach is to seek first to understand before passing judgement and empathize. Asking, "why do you feel that way?" or showing you have empathy with statements like, "It must really be frustrating to feel like all you do is work. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you cannot have any time to yourself" goes a long way in relationships. Regardless of how invalid you think your husband's reasoning is for feeling burned out he still is feeling burned out. It is incredibly important for you to acknowledge this. And not in the passing sense of, "that sucks. Anyways here's a bunch of reasons your feelings are wrong."

When people have their feelings/emotions dismissed or argued away it makes them feel unimportant, not understood, and not valued. Which is in many ways true - the other is ignoring their very real feelings. This is especially true when someone shows vulnerability and then immediately gets stomped on. Responding to a vulnerable explanation of feelings immediately with a list of reasons they are invalid is not a good approach to building a healthy relationship.




FrugalToque

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #28 on: May 20, 2016, 07:08:47 AM »
WOW you all assume I don't make the same money and sit around while he does all the work. You have no idea what I do or don't do in our house hold. I am the one who saved us from losing the house 6 years ago, he wanted to do the house bills (his name on the house) an I took care of all the chores except the cooking (I was more than willing to share this too). When we got a notice that we were losing the house I gently said let me see what we can do. Since we fixed this I do the finances, but we had no money to do repairs till three years ago. HE wanted to be part of the repairs when a handy man was used to make sure it was done right. I worked extra to pay these people and did the house chores. Each year we have had to fix the house one peace at a time to be able to afford it, I do all the yard clean up except mowing the lawn (weeding, raking) even with my bad back I am just slower then some. As for saying two more weeks then the summer off, you were all off base. He was thinking he would have to work the hole summer I didn't want him to. The windows have to be done in the next two weeks because our helper is available only then and yes they have to be done.
None of you asked what I will be doing while he is fishing..strange isn't it. Well I will be weeding, staining the three porches, house chores, getting his fishing license, taking care of our two grandchildren and so on. See he didn't  marry a lazy wife, he married a wife who doesn't need to list the things she does compared to him. HE will tell you I went threw H_ll with my step son and was the one the family look to for help with this (three years of this), I was the one who pushed them into getting him in to treatment so we would not lose him. I am the one who puts them all first because I care so much. So ya I am not handy with tools, or ladders but I do my share if not more. My stuff isn't always seen like a new window, but I am there.
This is why I held back when I saw the rest of the responses.
It didn't seem reasonable as a Mustachian follower that the actual situation in your house could be the way your original post made it sound.

Everyone here was misled because of the way you wrote your original post.  You know how much work you do around your house, but your original post only mentioned how you were trying to get him to do work, not how the two of you were spending your weekends repairing 'x' together or what part you were contributing.

But, please understand, if everyone who replied to your post misunderstood you, that means that you weren't clear in your original post.

This is probably just a matter of phrasing:  "I had him up the 401k (for my future) ..." and "I will let him know ..." sound like you're in charge of him, rather than have his buy-in.

That aside, now that everyone here understands the way you and he have agreed to divide up the labour, that this project has his full buy-in, there should not continue to be these misconceptions.

Regards,
Toque.

drunkenNoodles

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #29 on: May 20, 2016, 07:42:27 AM »
Don't worry OP. Everyone just misunderstood and some people were just plain disrespectful. I've found this community to be supportive and overly helpful.

Continue to ask questions and explore this topic. There's lots of people who can offer value and advice about your current situation.

starguru

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #30 on: May 20, 2016, 08:32:27 AM »
Sounds like he is burning out.  Why don't you acknowledge this to him and then ask how he wants to schedule the rest of the work?  Something like

"Honey, I can see you are burning out.  Why don't you take a break.  And then let's discuss finishing up this work that we both agreed to."

Get  a sense of whether he just wants a break or if he wants to back out of the agreed upon work load.  It's possible he overestimated his tolerance for this stuff, in which case you can ask if he wants to not do any of the remaining or just part of it.

Recognition of the others point of view goes a long ways towards resolving conflicts.   If you give him some time he might be able to recover and finish the projects with renewed vigor.

Khaetra

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Re: Pushed DH to hard
« Reply #31 on: May 20, 2016, 08:44:09 AM »
Sounds like he is burning out.  Why don't you acknowledge this to him and then ask how he wants to schedule the rest of the work?  Something like

"Honey, I can see you are burning out.  Why don't you take a break.  And then let's discuss finishing up this work that we both agreed to."

Get  a sense of whether he just wants a break or if he wants to back out of the agreed upon work load.  It's possible he overestimated his tolerance for this stuff, in which case you can ask if he wants to not do any of the remaining or just part of it.

Recognition of the others point of view goes a long ways towards resolving conflicts.   If you give him some time he might be able to recover and finish the projects with renewed vigor.

I agree with this.  While some DIY projects may look easy, it's also very easy to overestimate the time and skill involved and you could end up way over your head and dread even thinking about the project.  That happened to us a couple times and I was happy when my ex agreed to hire someone to finish what we started.  You need to have a chat with him and if he is burned out then give him some time to decide if he wants to keep plugging along or let someone else handle it.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!