Protecting a home alone widow

[FrugalSaver]

So it's already begun. "Missionaries" came by her house after seeing the obituary and expecting her to be home alone. She has a camera on the front porch. They tried turning the door knob and pushing the door in.

She saw them in the camera and came to the door and spoooked them by talking with them and they claimed at 8pm (after dark - as in pitch black out) to be missionaries wanting to talk to her about the Lord.

What are some good ways to try to protect a mid 60s widow who's now freaked the hell out?

Dog likely to be next purchase. I'm hundreds of miles away so am no help in the event of an emergency.

[SJS]

Get her a dog. Possibly a security system? I'd also contact the local police department about this incident &  her fear that it may happen again.  Possibly they can patrol past the house more frequently.  Any neighbors she could call should they come knocking again? 

[Another Reader]

Security door with bars and screen on the front door.  Deadbolts on all exterior doors.  Good window locks.  Patio door bar. so it can't be lifted out of its' track.  Outdoor lighting and bushes trimmed so no one can hide behind them.    Is there a garage that has access from the house?  Car stays in the garage and all doors are locked.  Deadbolt on the door from the house to the garage.  Garage door opener that can be switched off.  Lighting in the back and side yards as well as the front, especially next to any exterior doors.

She should not hesitate to call 911 if this happens again.

[Syonyk]

First, strengthen the doors.  Most strikeplates and hinges are put in with very short screws, which are ~worthless against a determined boot.  Replace those 1" toys with 3" screws going deep into the frame and you've got a huge improvement.  Mythbusters inadvertently demonstrated this (and injured a presenter or two) in one of their episodes in which one set of door hardware didn't come with screws and they used something competent.

You can get smash resistant films for windows that turn them into an irritating sheet of plexiglass.  They simply don't break.

Motion sensing lights with a delay (not "sense motion on," but wait 10-15s before sensing motion) are helpful deterrents, unless the adversaries do intend to overpower the occupant, then they're worthless.

A large dog is a really useful idea, and probably the best option.

[Cranky]

Is this a neighborhood with a lot of home invasions?

I'm in my 60's, and I don't worry about people breaking into my house, but if I did, I'd get a security system and let the police know what had happened, ask them to do occasional drive bys.

[Another Reader]

Dogs are expensive and a lot of work.  Often they do very little to help you.  Finding the right dog is difficult.  I would not do this in her shoes.

Set aside some money for security improvements.  Judicious use of a handyman and a landscaping service should accomplish most of what I suggested above.

[Spork]

I am not sure this applies fully....  We had this problem with my mother in law.  She is much older (in her 80s) and she is slightly mentally diminished -- so that SHE wasn't freaked out, but WE were.  She had some scammers rip her off for about $2k.  They popped by with some magic solution you spray on the shingles to protect it.  They "had done it before at her husband's request about 10 years before and it was time to do it again." (Untrue.)  It was likely buckets of water or -- hell they may have just walked around on the roof for 10 minutes.  The only thing they actually did was accidentally kick the exhaust vent for the heating furnace.  The top got kicked off and disconnected from the piping inside and they duct taped the top to the shingles so it would look okay, but the CO exhaust was now just dumping in her attic instead of out the roof line.  We did our own detective work and presented it to the police.  The bad actor was a really bad guy.  He had been to prison for raping a 13 year old.

The only way we could feel safe with her again was to move her.  Our city has several independent living homes.  These are by no means nursing homes.  These are nice apartments that are fully outfitted with kitchens, washers, dryers.  But they are gated with a locked front door.  They have amenities like a central dining room (if you don't want to prepare your own meals), beauty shop on site, coffee shop on site, convenience store on site, weekly car pools to various grocery stores, weekly entertainment trips, exercise classes, etc. 

Many of the residents are actually in their 60s.  It isn't a place where people go to rot and die.

[lizzzi]

There are pros and cons to an aging person getting a dog. A nice dog is a good companion and makes a lonely home much "homier." But a dog is a big expense and a lot of work--think about the endless having to take it outside in all weathers for potty runs and exercise walks. Not great when conditions are icy, especially if the yard is not perfectly flat and the owner has to deal with slippery slopes. If the dog is not already trained, there is all the obedience training. If the dog is large, it may pull on the leash and be hard for the owner to handle. (My dog weighs seven pounds, and is black. My elderly neighbors adore him, but he would not be much use for security, and they would run the risk of tripping over a dog like that...and he is invisible in the dark.) If the dog turns out to be a good dog who is concerned for his owner's safety and security, it may not be able to work well with the staff if the elderly person has caregivers coming in...like home health aides. And the dog may actual be a factor in isolating the elderly widow--she'll have to make arrangements for it if she wants to go on cruises or even get out for long weekend bus trips or things like that. Added expense and hassle. And the elderly person has to worry about who will care for the dog in case of hospitalizations or, God forbid, the death of the owner.

[Pigeon]

There are a couple of religions I can think of where pairs of missionaries showing up unannounced expecting to be let in at night is not unusual. This is especially true if any of her family have ever been involved with them at any time. I could call the local ward or church and tell them no contact but it might not help. IMO these people are scammers but not violent.

I would get a security system and trim bushes, make sure there are good locks,etc. I once lived in a place where the police advertised security audits. There are camera systems you can get for your doors so you can see and talk to anyone on your porch through your phone. Your relative is pretty young and hopefully is savvy enough to tell unwanted callers to take a hike or not answer.

[BlueHouse]

I would consider getting her a houseguest for a while.  Especially someone whose routine isn't obvious.  Anybody really will do.  When my young nephew stayed with me, it just led to more comings and goings in the house, more times when people didn't know the routine.  If she can get a short-term roommate, that would be ideal.  (summer student at a local university, etc)

I also have a doorbell that has a dog barking at the end.  Most of the delivery men end up asking me if the dog is dangerous and I always say he's in a room upstairs and not to worry about him.   I have a security system that I use faithfully.  Motion sensitive lights and lights hooked up to doors, etc.  So if front door opens, kitchen lights turn on on another floor.  If an alarm is tripped, every light in the house goes on. 

Before I had all of this high-tech security, I had guns.  those worked too. 

[Spork]

I also have a doorbell that has a dog barking at the end.  Most of the delivery men end up asking me if the dog is dangerous and I always say he's in a room upstairs and not to worry about him.   I have a security system that I use faithfully.  Motion sensitive lights and lights hooked up to doors, etc.  So if front door opens, kitchen lights turn on on another floor.  If an alarm is tripped, every light in the house goes on. 

Before I had all of this high-tech security, I had guns.  those worked too.

I think this is sort of genius.  It's not ridiculously high tech.  It's low tech high tech.   You could even have the light come on from another room with a man's voice that said "Barbara?  Is that you?"

[accolay]

Absolutely beef up the deadbolts as previously stated with the long screws. Kicking in a door is the most common way break ins occur. There are also products you can buy to reinforce the door's deadbolt and hinges such as http://kickproof.com/ You can find them at the big box stores too. I ordered one from Ace Hardware. Probably about $70 to $80 for one door. Use locking storm doors too as just another layer of protection. Make sure there are motion sensor lights outside. Unsure if window bars are necessary, but they are definitely ugly. Also I think a T-ball bat within reach would work nicely for window breakins: light and easy to swing, and I think more therapeutic than firearms.

[HipGnosis]

I also have a doorbell that has a dog barking at the end.  Most of the delivery men end up asking me if the dog is dangerous and I always say he's in a room upstairs and not to worry about him.   

My high school buddys brother was very good with dogs.  His M-I-L lived alone, with a dog, but the dog was to friendly to help with security.  He taught the dog to bark and act aggressive(ish) when she said 'behave'.   She could answer the door and say "Spot, behave" and it looked like she couldn't control the dog.
I adapted the concept for a few of the commands I used with my dogs over the years.  My command for 'go potty now so I can get out if this weather' was 'hurry up'.  My command for 'go into the house ahead of me'  (instead of following me in) was 'after you'.

[Miss Piggy]

So it's already begun. "Missionaries" came by her house after seeing the obituary and expecting her to be home alone. She has a camera on the front porch. They tried turning the door knob and pushing the door in.

She saw them in the camera and came to the door and spoooked them by talking with them and they claimed at 8pm (after dark - as in pitch black out) to be missionaries wanting to talk to her about the Lord.

Please excuse my language, but that is creepy as fuck. I just don't know how else to say it. Sometimes I really hate people.

For reasons like this, I kind of don't see the point of obits anymore. We have so many communication methods these days, people who want/need to know about a relative's, friend's, or acquaintance's death will likely be informed in some way other than an obit.

[BlueHouse]

So it's already begun. "Missionaries" came by her house after seeing the obituary and expecting her to be home alone. She has a camera on the front porch. They tried turning the door knob and pushing the door in.

She saw them in the camera and came to the door and spoooked them by talking with them and they claimed at 8pm (after dark - as in pitch black out) to be missionaries wanting to talk to her about the Lord.

Please excuse my language, but that is creepy as fuck. I just don't know how else to say it. Sometimes I really hate people.

For reasons like this, I kind of don't see the point of obits anymore. We have so many communication methods these days, people who want/need to know about a relative's, friend's, or acquaintance's death will likely be informed in some way other than an obit.

People can just as easily get the info from a funeral home website or from other social media. It's not limited to the old fashioned obits anymore

[Miss Piggy]

People can just as easily get the info from a funeral home website or from other social media. It's not limited to the old fashioned obits anymore

Yeah, good point.

[reformed spendthrift]

I just wanted to say, very respectfully, that mid-sixties is not really considered aged. My husband is older than I- he's 68- and he and his friends are all in really good shape both mentally and physically.

[MsPeacock]

An alarm system with an audible alarm that automatically calls the police (or whoever). Motion sensor lights outside. Better locks on the doors and windows, and a secure storm door (locking) as well as regular exterior door. Alarm system signs outside. An interior room, like a bathroom, with a secure solid door that can be locked, and a phone there that can be used to call for help.

I am not in favor of guns (too likely to be used against you, and dangerous w/o a ton of training) and dogs are hit or miss and very time consuming otherwise (walks, etc.).

[Pam]

I am a recently (as in not yet final) divorced woman age 55...  I live in a nice neighborhood but there have been break ins nearby and my ex hangs around with not very nice people...  I have:

1. Dog - good dog but barks at everything
2. Newly changed locks
3. Telephone to call 911 - the police would rather be called and not needed than not called when they are needed.
4. Newly installed security system (PM me if you want a referral and live in the southeast part of the US - very reasonable and very easy to use)
5. Newly acquired (about eight months ago) gun - with training to go along with it!  Do not get a gun if you are not willing to learn how to use it and practice, practice, practice.  Once or twice at the firing range is not enough.  There are many women at the range and a very good number of them are older than I am.

Between all of these things I feel reasonably safe.

[Blonde Lawyer]

Her local police department would likely be willing to do a free security audit.  They come by and recommend ways to beef it up such as a stronger deadbolt and locking windows.  If you are considering any extreme measures (bars on windows) talk to your fire department first.  Your more likely to die in a fire than from a home invasion.  You want to balance keeping the bad guys out and letting the fire department in.

[Blonde Lawyer]

Her local police department would likely be willing to do a free security audit.  They come by and recommend ways to beef it up such as a stronger deadbolt and locking windows.  If you are considering any extreme measures (bars on windows) talk to your fire department first.  Your more likely to die in a fire than from a home invasion.  You want to balance keeping the bad guys out and letting the fire department in.

Most of the ones they install now have quick release mechanisms on the interior and swing open easily (and building codes in my town only allow that kind). Have have those on my windows here in SoCal and they are very attractive too. Don't have to get plain bars anymore but the more decorative or artsy the more expensive.

My concern with those is they allow you to get out if you need to which is great but makes it very hard for the fire department to break in.  You might be trapped in your second story bedroom and the fire department needs to get in the first story to get up to you. Just a thought.

[Metric Mouse]

I also have a doorbell that has a dog barking at the end.  Most of the delivery men end up asking me if the dog is dangerous and I always say he's in a room upstairs and not to worry about him.   I have a security system that I use faithfully.  Motion sensitive lights and lights hooked up to doors, etc.  So if front door opens, kitchen lights turn on on another floor.  If an alarm is tripped, every light in the house goes on. 

Before I had all of this high-tech security, I had guns.  those worked too.

I think this is sort of genius.  It's not ridiculously high tech.  It's low tech high tech.   You could even have the light come on from another room with a man's voice that said "Barbara?  Is that you?"

No I'm imagining what the neighbors would think if they dropped by a few days after her husband's death to check on the poor widow and heard a man's voice. Scandalous...

[kite]

The best security is other people. 
Not sure how you apply that from hundreds of miles away, but a neighbor who keeps an eye on you who notices things and takes a genuine interest in your well being is priceless. 
Particularly as we age, the single biggest risk isn't "missionaries" but a simple slip and fall.  Prevention, plus a person checking in to make sure you aren't face down in the garage or bathroom is key.   If she is not already involved in her community/neighborhood/church/civic group, the nearest senior center is a good place to start. A couple of honorary grandkids....older teens or grad school age, would be ideal if her blood relations are hours away. 

[lizzzi]

Some counties have an "Are you OK?" program, where the sheriff's office calls you daily just to make sure you're OK--a few seconds phone call every day. But I agree with the above poster that a woman in her mid-60s is probably not part of the targeted population for a program like that.

I've heard of friends who call each other daily--or email--just to check. If there is no response, they try one more time, and then go to the house to check on the person. (Obviously keys must be exchanged.)

[GuitarStv]

If she was mid-60s then the odds are that her husband was also mid-60s (or older) right?  Has the security of the household really appreciably changed?  If it was safe enough to live there before, I'd figure that it's safe enough to live there now.

[southern granny]

Dogs are expensive and a lot of work.  Often they do very little to help you.  Finding the right dog is difficult.  I would not do this in her shoes.

Set aside some money for security improvements.  Judicious use of a handyman and a landscaping service should accomplish most of what I suggested above.

I agree that dogs take work and can be expensive, and I don't think they are for everyone. But I think they are excellent security.  Before our dog went deaf (age 13) he always knew someone was coming before they got to the porch.  He only barked when there was something to bark at and he sounded a lot meaner than he was.  If I ever opened the door to a stranger, his face was the first one they saw.  One man jumped all the way off the porch and this is not a huge dog (50 pounds).  He is pretty much retired now, but when he passes, I will get another dog.  I feel much safer with a dog in the house.

[Metric Mouse]

If she was mid-60s then the odds are that her husband was also mid-60s (or older) right?  Has the security of the household really appreciably changed?  If it was safe enough to live there before, I'd figure that it's safe enough to live there now.

Perhaps these responses could be read as ways to help a widow 'who is freaked out' feel more secure in her home. While her home may be secure enough, if she doesn't feel secure, something needs to be changed. It is probably much easier to install a few more door locks than it is to convince a 60 year old widow that she is safe - with the added bonus of actually making her safer in an absolute, if not relative, scale.

[steviesterno]

God made men. Sam Colt made them equal....


not saying it's a decision for everyone, but a little 22 revolver and some practice would go a long way to providing instant protection and piece of mind. My wife sleeps better when I'm gone knowing how to use one of my hand guns. Remember, security systems are great to show the police what happened, who are there to review issues after something has occurred.

[GuitarStv]

God made men. Sam Colt made them equal....


not saying it's a decision for everyone, but a little 22 revolver and some practice would go a long way to providing instant protection and piece of mind. My wife sleeps better when I'm gone knowing how to use one of my hand guns. Remember, security systems are great to show the police what happened, who are there to review issues after something has occurred.

Given the prevalence of dementia over the age of 60, the reduction in strength that comes with age, the need for special training to be proficient enough to use a firearm, demonstration already of what appears to be unfounded fear, etc. there are a lot of potential problems with this suggestion.

[steviesterno]

thats why I prefaced it with maybe not for everyone. but if there's no dementia, and she's interested, seems like a good idea. Having shady people already try and kick down your door is not an unfounded fear. Not a ton of training needed for a small caliber revolver, either. plus you should only need about 8 pounds of force to work the trigger, which is much easier than restraining a giant dog or pushing people out who are trying to come in.

could always go with a taser, or a big ass can of wasp spray works well, too.

[RedBaron3]

We had the issue with my wife's grandmother (after her husband passed) where people were ringing her doorbell in the middle of the night.  I installed cameras with motion/sound detection to send emails to the family and we found that this was mostly the start of dementia and no one was ringing her doorbell when she claimed they were.

The issue with her is during the day.  She switched electricity providers multiple times because she says yes to everyone.  My mother-in-law checked in on the cam the other week and saw a woman talking to her.  When the woman noticed the camera moving to focus on her, she quickly left. 

The clear solution (in her case, not necessarily OP's) is to get her out of the house (dementia spreading quicker than any family will admit), but they refuse to consider that for now.

[Spork]

We had the issue with my wife's grandmother (after her husband passed) where people were ringing her doorbell in the middle of the night.  I installed cameras with motion/sound detection to send emails to the family and we found that this was mostly the start of dementia and no one was ringing her doorbell when she claimed they were.

The issue with her is during the day.  She switched electricity providers multiple times because she says yes to everyone.  My mother-in-law checked in on the cam the other week and saw a woman talking to her.  When the woman noticed the camera moving to focus on her, she quickly left. 

The clear solution (in her case, not necessarily OP's) is to get her out of the house (dementia spreading quicker than any family will admit), but they refuse to consider that for now.

I've been there with both my mother and my mother in law.  I know it sucks, but you really do have to move her.  Maybe not to an "old folks home"... but to somewhere more safe.  My mom was doing things like turning on the gas on the stove top and going upstairs to brush her teeth.  I just happened to walk in the back door at the right time and smell gas.

[Metric Mouse]

We had the issue with my wife's grandmother (after her husband passed) where people were ringing her doorbell in the middle of the night.  I installed cameras with motion/sound detection to send emails to the family and we found that this was mostly the start of dementia and no one was ringing her doorbell when she claimed they were.

The issue with her is during the day.  She switched electricity providers multiple times because she says yes to everyone.  My mother-in-law checked in on the cam the other week and saw a woman talking to her.  When the woman noticed the camera moving to focus on her, she quickly left. 

The clear solution (in her case, not necessarily OP's) is to get her out of the house (dementia spreading quicker than any family will admit), but they refuse to consider that for now.

I've been there with both my mother and my mother in law.  I know it sucks, but you really do have to move her.  Maybe not to an "old folks home"... but to somewhere more safe.  My mom was doing things like turning on the gas on the stove top and going upstairs to brush her teeth.  I just happened to walk in the back door at the right time and smell gas.

Scary. And so hard to catch when someone lives alone.