prediction: parents are going to ask me for money within 1 year

[clarkfan1979]

I'm going to visit my parents in two days. I have two sets of parents. One side is good with money, the other is very bad. Since retiring 5 years ago one side hasn't grasped the concept of living below their means. They both have social security and one pension between the two of them. However, they had a 250K inheritance that allowed them to live above their means. That is pretty much gone or will be gone within the next year.

On the trip, my prediction is that my step-mom is going to feel us out for how much money we make and how much money we have. She won't specifically ask for money, but she will do her best to drop large hints. However, my prediction is that within one year, she will stop with the hints and specifically ask.   

When she does ask, I will suggest that they sell their house and downsize. It's 2750 sq. ft. and a double lot. I will tell them that we do fine living in a 900 sq. ft. home with a child.

They also have a second home that is a trailer. If they sell that, they could probably get 50K. They can't live in the trailer full-time because it's a seasonal trailer park that is only open 6 months. 

Lastly, I'm hopeful that it might be more frugal trip this time. Normally we get invited to join them for very expensive dinners that they can't afford.

I will let you know what happens. I'm very curious to see how it goes.

[Cassie]

Hope you are wrong with your prediction. Something is very wrong with parents asking their kids for money. Ugh!

[Fireball]

Puts you in a tough spot. Hard to come away from that scenario without some hurt feelings on one side or the other. Sorry. Hope they get their affairs in order.

[SC93]

If you need help, check out the book, Boundries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Good luck!

[HomeSweetLab]

This is a tough situation that a lot of people face. My mom will probably put me in a similar situation one day. However, while she hasn't always made the best financial decisions, most of her troubles stem from medical problems over the past 10 years and the resultant inability to keep steady employment, compounded with the fact that she stayed home with me prior to divorcing my dad and had a hard time re-entering the workforce with a salary similar to what she was earning before. So in this case, I do feel compelled to help her.

In your situation though, where this set of parents obviously won't be financially destitute, I would be much more hesitant to help them. Don't think I would chip in until they have cut the excess spending from their budget. If they made all the changes you suggested (downsize their home, sell the 2nd home, stop waisting money on fancy dinners) and STILL needed help, then I would re-consider. However, it sounds like that wouldn't be the case, as they already have pensions and social security.

[gerardc]

That's not tough, that's easy. Just say you don't have any money, the same way you respond to homeless people begging on the street.

[soccerluvof4]

The problem you get into is if you give them money they probably will suck you dry because they wont change their habits. At most lay out a plan like you mentioned and see/let them make the changes. If they do , then maybe they can keep changing but dont bet on it with your nickel. You owe them nothing and dont feel guilty about it.  My DW when we first got married was with me at my moms house and she was complaining how she need to get new carpet , had no money blah blah blah. Just to teach my wife I am not mean its just the way my mom is I gave her 1600$ to carpet her living room etc... Never got carpeted and my wife learned an important lessen! Good luck to you

[SC93]

If you need help, check out the book, Boundries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Good luck!

This.  It won't fix all the feelings, but it'll help you deal with the situation.

I knew you were solid, SC93.

Well thank you :)

[partgypsy]

The problem you get into is if you give them money they probably will suck you dry because they wont change their habits. At most lay out a plan like you mentioned and see/let them make the changes. If they do , then maybe they can keep changing but dont bet on it with your nickel. You owe them nothing and dont feel guilty about it.  My DW when we first got married was with me at my moms house and she was complaining how she need to get new carpet , had no money blah blah blah. Just to teach my wife I am not mean its just the way my mom is I gave her 1600$ to carpet her living room etc... Never got carpeted and my wife learned an important lessen! Good luck to you

This totally reminds me of my older brother. He dropped out of HS, and with my Mom's heavy encouragement, later on got a GED. He is one of those people who no matter how much he is helped, is a victim, and "if only". So the one thing he has over me, is that my parents paid for my college, what wasn't paid from the scholarship. He got on that for awhile, how I was helped, and if he could go to college he would totally do it (never mind he didn't even know what major or job he wanted), and that my parents owed him somehow. Needless to say, my parents have spent multiples of college educations on him cost-wise...Well a couple  years later he inherited a coin worth 50K, sold it for 35K to get the money as soon as possible. I even said, "Wow, now you can get a college degree like you said you wanted!" Needless to say no he didn't apply for college and the money was spent in a year with nothing to show. And yes, he still brings up when he runs out of things to complain about that our parents paid for my college and didn't for him (though the total cost of my college was less than what he got from the coin).

[2Birds1Stone]

That's not tough, that's easy. Just say you don't have any money, the same way you respond to homeless people begging on the street.

I'm in this camp.

[hops]

Best of luck, OP. We expect to be in the same boat soon with the in-laws once my wife gets her first attending gig next year. They know our plan is to pay off her (huge) student loans ASAP and they strenuously object, telling us to drag it out over the next 20 years instead. Lately they've really kicked their complaining about costly home repairs up a notch, which gives us a queasy feeling. The repairs are necessary, but only because they chose to neglect big problems for decades while feverishly overspending in other areas.

[FINate]

The probing questions you predict aren't just about information gathering. More importantly, it's a strategy to break down boundaries between distinct family units. Finances are personal and private, and as information is shared and discussed boundaries are eroded and you become emotionally enmeshed in each others finances. This makes it easier and more socially acceptable to outright ask for money later on.

I encourage you to practice defending those boundaries now. If questions about your finances are asked don't lie. If they are vague questions ("how are you doing?") then provide vague responses, and don't volunteer information. If the questions become specific then politely respond that this is a personal and private matter and that you're not going to answer. You may get grief for this, but better to nip this in the bud now, in person.

[bacchi]

We're saved from this because the SO's parents are too embarrassed to ask for money. They've lived high on the hog for decades now and retirement age finally caught up with them.

Being forced to work at 70 sucks but maybe the memories of luxurious trips to Europe will keep you going.

[Mtngrl]

Obviously, you know your family better than I do, but in some families, you wouldn't automatically be suspected of having any money to give, simply because you live below your means in a 900 sq. ft. house. For years, I know we were looked upon by some family members as sort of poor relations, because we drove used cars, didn't take fancy vacations, lived in a modest house, etc.  Then we surprised them all by retiring early and building a new house in a fairly HCOL area. The number one question we got then was "How can you afford to do that?" They're still trying to figure it out.

[ambimammular]

I encourage you to practice defending those boundaries now. If questions about your finances are asked don't lie. If they are vague questions ("how are you doing?") then provide vague responses, and don't volunteer information. If the questions become specific then politely respond that this is a personal and private matter and that you're not going to answer.

If they get all up in your business you could always go the other way. Press for an itemized list of what they're spending their money on, in the interest of being so helpful, of course. Ask for specific dollar amounts in all categories. Break out excel. Check what they could get for particular items on ebay or craigslist. Have them come back when they've worked through their "action plan." You may not hear from them for awhile.

They might reconsider all the info sharing they wanted to do.

[Duke03]

I'd tell the step mom to F-off.  I'll be damned if my little kids are going to go without something so I can support some lazy ass adult that refuses to act like an adult.  Sorry I point and laugh at those types of people.  I don't care if they are family or complete strangers point and laugh. 

[Erica]

Here are my thoughts:

Give them Dave Ramseys Money Management book for Xmas. Then other books titled "living below your means"

Give them a gift of a financial planners time for Xmas

head it off

Then when they ask, you say "it sounds as if you chose NOT TO live below your means despite my help. How will my money help you now? "

then let them know you feel any money you give will not be any assistance to them.

Then let them get a job like normal people

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. IF you did the above, offered this blessed XMAS gift, you owe them nothing further

Keep your finances TOTALLY PRIVATE. Do not allow any specifics to be disclosed



This is MUCH easier to head off than to wait for the explosion....good luck

[Erica]

Yes don't feed the monster. They only develop a larger appetite

[SC93]

I agree with Erica. It took several years but everyone in my family knows to not ask me for anything because I will always make a job for them. I have no problem telling them straight out.... NO! I don't say we don't have the money or make any excuses.... tell them the way it is. It is their choice to like it or not. My one niece hasn't spoke to me in over 10 years because she chose to not like it. :)

[marty998]

Ooof... remind your step-mother that every dollar she takes form you is one less dollar that can be spent on her grandchild.

what sort of person steals from children?

[SC93]

When friends ask me for money, I ask them how much they need. If it is over $500 I tell them I can afford to give them $500. So just pick an amount that you are comfortable parting with and offer that. They can’t really argue with that, only accept they money and then they have to figure out how to get the rest somewhere else (or reduce their spending).  You come out looking very generous without having to give too much, plus it makes them have to make an effort to fix their situation on their own.

Also, I never tell anyone how much we make or how much we have saved. I don’t allude to the fact that we can retire early. Right now I’m retired and DH is still working but I say that I am just taking a career break and will eventually have to go back to work. I usually try to avoid conversations about money with family and friends who aren’t so good with money.

When they bring up money issues they have you should start talking about how expensive it is to have/raise a kid and how they are so lucky that they live in such a big house, you can barely afford your small house.

This sets you up for them to ask again at a later date. The OP shouldn't be an enabler at any degree. In this situation it is none of their business how much or how little money the OP has. Once you truly have a grip on your own life, telling someone NO is not that hard.

[Dictionary Time]

Hmmm... What about a preemptive strike? Mention your big tax bill coming up and ask them pointed questions about their finances. Ask them for a small loan. Just to get you through, you're totally good for it.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Being forced to work at 70 sucks but maybe the memories of luxurious trips to Europe will keep you going.

I SOOO know someone I'm going to have to say this to!

[Livingthedream55]

ClarkFan,

How was the visit?

[talltexan]

Hmmm... What about a preemptive strike? Mention your big tax bill coming up and ask them pointed questions about their finances. Ask them for a small loan. Just to get you through, you're totally good for it.

You might have been joking when you wrote this, but I think it's an idea worth serious consideration.

If you can pre-empt their asks with a loan, then--when they need money--you're paying the loan back to them with interest.

The downside is that it changes the ground rules of your relationship by breaking down boundaries.

[Playing with Fire UK]

Say no early and often. You'll have to say no eventually because there is no end to the amount of other people's money that the financially irresponsible can spend.

[clarkfan1979]

ClarkFan,

How was the visit?

On the visit right now. Step-Mom talks about being broke all the time. My Dad doesn't really say much. However, my Step-Mom also says that my Dad is broke too. It's funny how she describes them both being broke separately, but not together.

She is playing the victim card, but it's light hearted. She claims that she never got a good break, financially. However, she recently inherited 250K from her mom in 2011.

She is opening up to the idea of downsizing and selling the house, which is good news. My dad did a bunch of DIY improvements to the house. However, they didn't really buy in a very good area with very little appreciation. They could probably break even after realtor fees. They are looking at buying a trailer. 

I hope they have enough money to finish fixing the house before they sell.  If they can pull that off then I should be in good shape for a little while. Thank you for all the advice. I am better prepared if and when they do ask. 

[2Cent]

Hmmm... What about a preemptive strike? Mention your big tax bill coming up and ask them pointed questions about their finances. Ask them for a small loan. Just to get you through, you're totally good for it.

You might have been joking when you wrote this, but I think it's an idea worth serious consideration.

If you can pre-empt their asks with a loan, then--when they need money--you're paying the loan back to them with interest.

The downside is that it changes the ground rules of your relationship by breaking down boundaries.

Exactly. A few years later they will be "borrowing" from you which will be hard to refuse.

[BTDretire]

ClarkFan,

How was the visit?

On the visit right now. Step-Mom talks about being broke all the time. My Dad doesn't really say much. However, my Step-Mom also says that my Dad is broke too. It's funny how she describes them both being broke separately, but not together.

She is playing the victim card, but it's light hearted. She claims that she never got a good break, financially.

 However, she recently inherited 250K from her mom in 2011.

  That's great, with that $250k she has another $10k to add to her Social Security.
Oh, that's almost all spent?
 How did they spend an additional $41K over the last 6 years?
Clearly they will just waste any money you give them.
 When the ask, just say,

[J Boogie]

Hmmm... What about a preemptive strike? Mention your big tax bill coming up and ask them pointed questions about their finances. Ask them for a small loan. Just to get you through, you're totally good for it.

You might have been joking when you wrote this, but I think it's an idea worth serious consideration.

If you can pre-empt their asks with a loan, then--when they need money--you're paying the loan back to them with interest.

The downside is that it changes the ground rules of your relationship by breaking down boundaries.

Exactly. A few years later they will be "borrowing" from you which will be hard to refuse.

Yes, DO NOT DO THIS.

They'll rightfully point out that they generously loaned you money and you're hypocritical not to do the same for them.

[Dictionary Time]

Hmmm... What about a preemptive strike? Mention your big tax bill coming up and ask them pointed questions about their finances. Ask them for a small loan. Just to get you through, you're totally good for it.

You might have been joking when you wrote this, but I think it's an idea worth serious consideration.

If you can pre-empt their asks with a loan, then--when they need money--you're paying the loan back to them with interest.

The downside is that it changes the ground rules of your relationship by breaking down boundaries.

Yes, I was just being a smart-ass.  If they loaned you anything then they would think you were in their debt for eternity.

[talltexan]

On the other hand, becoming their bank could have benefits. They loan you money when times are good, you return it when times are bad.

[Kashmani]

My MIL asked my wife for a $250 loan last week. She has also borrowed up to $5k from other siblings in the past, including one sibling that makes only $36k a year gross but lives extremely frugally.

We provided the money on the condition that we get to have a complete look at her finances and are prepared to offer advice. If she does not follow through with the advice, it will be her problem.

In the end, I don't think my MIL will ever get her act together. People who have been irresponsible and disorganized their whole lives don't all of a sudden change in their 60s. However, I made it clear to my wife that I would not agree to lend/give any further money, and that if she would go behind my back my next paycheck would not be deposited into a joint account anymore. Thankfully my wife agrees and promised me not to go behind my back.

I have been through the exact same thing with my own parents 17 years ago. An inheritance came my way and my parents borrowed $180k and never paid it back and strong-armed me into "investing" another $200k in their company. I have never been paid back a cent, and I will never be paid back a cent. I moved to another city to get away from them and vowed to never make that mistake again. I was 21 at the time. Since then, I have always watched my back and become much more hardened against so-called "victims".

You have to learn to be the a**hole. Otherwise you are faced with an endless barrage of irresponsible people trying to make their problems your problem. Responsibility is in short supply.

[Livingthedream55]

My MIL asked my wife for a $250 loan last week. She has also borrowed up to $5k from other siblings in the past, including one sibling that makes only $36k a year gross but lives extremely frugally.

We provided the money on the condition that we get to have a complete look at her finances and are prepared to offer advice. If she does not follow through with the advice, it will be her problem.

In the end, I don't think my MIL will ever get her act together. People who have been irresponsible and disorganized their whole lives don't all of a sudden change in their 60s. However, I made it clear to my wife that I would not agree to lend/give any further money, and that if she would go behind my back my next paycheck would not be deposited into a joint account anymore. Thankfully my wife agrees and promised me not to go behind my back.

I have been through the exact same thing with my own parents 17 years ago. An inheritance came my way and my parents borrowed $180k and never paid it back and strong-armed me into "investing" another $200k in their company. I have never been paid back a cent, and I will never be paid back a cent. I moved to another city to get away from them and vowed to never make that mistake again. I was 21 at the time. Since then, I have always watched my back and become much more hardened against so-called "victims".

You have to learn to be the a**hole. Otherwise you are faced with an endless barrage of irresponsible people trying to make their problems your problem. Responsibility is in short supply.

Truly, truly sorry that happened to you!

[jim555]

Never loan to family, it will strain your relations and you will loose your money.  If you must give, then gift it.
Cousin stopped talking to me when I refused to give her money. 
Brother lied to get a loan, repeatedly tried to get more using more lies.  After chasing him for 5 years decided to write it off.  We are not talking now.