Emotionally devastated by her leaving, since I still loved her although hated her at the same time. Also devastated emotionally by the loss of my money. (No, not 'our' money). I did not want the divorce. I was willing to stay in the proverbial bad marriage.
Our plan was that she would go back to work after our child was in school. I was OK with being the sole breadwinner until then, since raising the child at home with a mom is the best way, IMHO. So yes, I 'enabled' that willingly.
But she never went back to work when the child was in school. All sorts of excuses. Lots of time to do volunteer work and 'find' herself. Meanwhile I was working in computer programming, which was very stressful, and she is having zero stress (other than angst over finding herself).
So she didn't hold up her end of the bargain.
And she thought I was the bad guy for wanting her to be responsible and earn money, as she had agreed to do.
I am going to comment on this, in random order.
1. It was not YOUR money. Money earned while married is "OUR" money. Especially since you made an agreement, as you say, that she stays home till the kid is in school. Thus, it is not YOUR money. It belongs to the FAMILY.
2. Because you ended up divorcing, OF COURSE she gets some of "OUR" money. I once chatted with a young man who didn't understand alimony at all "the contract is over!" Like: duh, you renegotiate contracts all the time.
3. People change and goals change. Women who say they are going back to work choose instead to stay home, because they cannot leave their babies. Women whose kids go to school, find it difficult to find work that works around a school schedule. News flash: there are millions of women out there with kids in school who want that schedule. My experience with my friends is: GOOD LUCK finding a job like that - you are better off being AT a job and negotiating your hours downwards.
4. Related to #3 - going back to work, in any job, is a hard transition once you've been home - and I really don't think a lot of primary wage earners (mostly men still these days) are really aware of it. Assuming a part time job is not doable, and you end up with a full time - well hello, now HALF of the kid drop off and pick up will fall to you, no matter if you make more money. Are you willing to bug out at 3 pm to pick up the kid every day? Are you willing to find after school care at $450+ per month for after school care? Are you willing to juggle laundry, sick kids, school holidays, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, etc - fully doing half?
(Because I work full time and almost always have - with a brief 2.5 years total of "part time" 30-32 hours a week with the 2 kids. So, my spouse and I have ALWAYS split drop off and pick up and chores and sick days. For those who have not - it can be a REALLY HARD transition.)
I've read about other families where the man wanted the wife to go back to work after a certain time, and the wife didn't. It was interesting to read the comments. As expected, there were a large number of women (I'll call them "more traditional" women) who were sincerely offended at the idea that the husband was too selfish to allow the wife to stay at home and care for the family, and live her dream. She was "meant" to do this. I was one of the few who pointed out that it's a FAMILY, and no one person's needs trumps the others. Perhaps carrying the full brunt of the financial income is too much? What about what HE wants? What if HE wanted to be a SAHD? I'm sure people thought I had two heads.
I think this is one reason why divorce is more prevalent, and more acceptable. A marriage really needs to work for both people. It's complicated. And people change in ways you can never expect. My college boyfriend started talking about "Putting him first" and "compromise" and "following him" (he was a year older, we were both going into the Navy). I realized that what he wanted me to do was to specifically pick a job in the Navy where we could mostly be stationed together. That was never going to work for me - I had a career of my own to work towards. I was independent and never planned on kids either.
That's how I was when I married my husband. Fast forward 22 years later, and nobody could have predicted that I'd happily have two kids, know how to cook, and be domestic. I still work (and anyone could have predicted that I wouldn't quit work, ha!) But I am very different in many ways.
Poll