Please help me help my parents

[Smokystache]

I'm so sorry. I can only imagine the many emotions you're feeling right now. I would guess that I would be going back and forth from grief to rage and a lot of others too.

I would encourage you to have some type of ritual of remembrance on your own. Find a space (a home, pavilion, event center, event room at a restaurant, etc.), invite family and friends who are also grieving (whose who will be an asset, not a liability), share some food and some stories. You can choose to hire your own officiant -- if you'd like someone to help structure something, but that isn't required. But this can be as formal or informal as you'd like. It may be 5 people or 50. You might wear a suit or cargo shorts & a t-shirt. While she has certain legal authority, she doesn't get to say that other people cannot come together to remember your father.

I'm a grief educator and psychologist -- and I'm a big believer that we need to lean on our own private rituals during challenging times. The trick is finding and/or creating rituals that are meaningful to you. She doesn't get to control how others grieve.

Just a suggestion. You may be too overwhelmed to consider such an event. Or you may need some time before you could bring it together. But throughout your ordeal you've been cut-off and disenfranchised. This would allow you to exercise some control and bring together the support that you and your family could really use right now. Blessings to you and your family.

[LaineyAZ]

My sincere condolences.  I hope you get some comfort from seeing these responses from internet strangers who are wanting the best for you and your family through all of this.

And I echo the suggestions for a private memorial - it's a way to respect your father's life and start to heal your family's emotional suffering. 

[Turtle]

So very sorry for your loss.  It's good that you were able to talk with him on the phone.

[Zamboni]

Thank you all for your kindness.

I agree that closure is important. I do think siblings and I will come together with a memorial service eventually. Hopefully we can at least include all of our children and a close friend of mine who just told me my Dad was the closest thing he ever had to a father.

We wrote an obituary. Hopefully I can find out the name of the crematorium since the newspaper requires that for publication . . . probably for due diligence so they don't publish obituaries for people who are alive. So, that's one last time I have to contact SM and hope she cooperates before I wash my hands of her filthy, evil, menacing, destructing, greedy black soul forever. I could just call every crematorium in the city, and believe me I thought of doing that, but I'm not sure they will share the information that he is there. Actually, now that I write that out, I'm going to just do that. If they confirm for the newspapers, then they may confirm for me.

[Zamboni]

Found it first try by using my spidey senses about which crematorium on the map likely has the lowest prices. Now I don't care if she replies to me or not.

[former player]

Well done.

It is entirely possible that SM may "forget" to notify anyone who was providing your father with pension or social security payments that he has died.  If those people happened to be notified of his death and stopped the payments accordingly SM might be quite unhappy.  Debtors such as credit card companies and so on might be quite interested in the fact of his death as well. Just a thought.

[Blackeagle]

So sorry for your loss, and for all you had to go through leading up to it.

[Zamboni]

Well done.

It is entirely possible that SM may "forget" to notify anyone who was providing your father with pension or social security payments that he has died.  If those people happened to be notified of his death and stopped the payments accordingly SM might be quite unhappy.  Debtors such as credit card companies and so on might be quite interested in the fact of his death as well. Just a thought.

Are you saying the social security might not be notified by the hospital? Does the executor have to do something to notify the government of the death and receive the death certificate?

Sorry for my ignorance. I've never been an executor, and of course Dad named SM to be his executor. He also left everything to her, which is fine, so there's not any reason for her to try her shenanigans there. I do have a copy of the will on my phone as I am listed as "back up" executor.

[birdie55]

In California, the mortuary does inform SS about the death.  When my father died and I was trying to inform everyone, I was told by the mortuary that it was their responsibility to inform SS. 

[Zamboni]

^Interesting. Perhaps this is why she is insisting on no funeral?

Edited to add I would put literally nothing past her. Three liens were placed on the home she owned prior to meeting my Dad. Three. But you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, so maybe she will try to get away with it?

[lhamo]

Zamboni, I am so sorry about your dad.

I know you are grieving and may not want to have anything more to do with her/the situation.  But if you can muster the energy it might be worth it to have a quick talk with someone at the hospital (maybe a social worker?) to ask about whether there is a way to get your dad's death investigated, and maybe at least get an autopsy.  Her quick move to cremation and no funeral (esp with the situation around SS benefits) is highly suspect.

I really worry that this is a black widow situation and that your dad may not have been her first -- or last -- target.

Info about the state coroner's association here:

https://coloradocoronersassociation.colorado.gov/about-the-colorado-coroners

[former player]

Well done.

It is entirely possible that SM may "forget" to notify anyone who was providing your father with pension or social security payments that he has died.  If those people happened to be notified of his death and stopped the payments accordingly SM might be quite unhappy.  Debtors such as credit card companies and so on might be quite interested in the fact of his death as well. Just a thought.

Are you saying the social security might not be notified by the hospital? Does the executor have to do something to notify the government of the death and receive the death certificate?

Sorry for my ignorance. I've never been an executor, and of course Dad named SM to be his executor. He also left everything to her, which is fine, so there's not any reason for her to try her shenanigans there. I do have a copy of the will on my phone as I am listed as "back up" executor.

I think birdie55 is right: it's not the hospital but the funeral director who would normally inform social security.  SM could very well stop this happening through her shenanigans, for instance by not giving the funeral director your father's social security number.

If you don't want to be involved as executor of will then I think you can renounce that role (you might want to check this) but if you are going to renounce then you shouldn't do anything about notifying anyone in case that implies you've taken on the role.  So I'm sorry: I shouldn't have suggested your notifying anyone in case that then starts to make you liable for dealing with the estate and its debts.  You might want to look into renouncing your role as executor and in the meantime don't sign anything or get involved on an official level on anything.

[CNM]

@Zamboni - So, so sorry about your loss.

[iluvzbeach]

It would be very easy for SM to conveniently provide the funeral home with the incorrect SSN.  They would never know and she could claim typo on their part down the line.  The only thing potentially preventing her from doing that would be if your father had any active life insurance policies, as they would obviously need the death certificate with SSN to payout.  Again, even then, SM seems quite adept at pulling of fraud so who knows what's possible.

You might want to notify SS yourself of his death, if you have his SSN.  I had to do this when my father passed away as the crematorium didn't notify SS while his death was pending autopsy, so the SS checks kept coming in every month and I wanted them to stop because I was afraid the money might "disappear" from the account before SS could pull the money back.

It's entirely possible that you may not wish to spend any of your energy dealing with a potential death investigation or notifying SS of his death, and that would be completely understandable.  At this point you should do whatever you want and whatever gives you the most peace.

[Catbert]

Zamboni, I'm sorry for your loss.  I am glad that you and your siblings each had a chance to talk to your father during his last week.  Definitely have a memorial service if you want when you and siblings are ready.  Invite whomever you want and skip those you don't.

The quick and cheap cremation wouldn't concern me as far as it being a cover for her interference.  That's what DH and I have promised to each other and we have the money to have an elaborate funeral if that was what we wanted.  She doesn't have the money.   

She won't be able to do a cremation without a death certificate signed by his doctor so presumably it has already been signed.

[Bruinguy]

Zamboni, so sorry for your loss. 

[Kathryn K.]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I went back and looked but I didn't see the reason why your dad was admitted to the hospital? Is it possible to get the cause of death?

I'm sure you just want to be done with dealing with this nightmare at this point, but I would strongly suggest you report your suspicions to a hospital social worker or even the police. Wanting to do a quick cremation is extremely suspicious. Once the dust has settled I could very well see Stepmother going out and ensnaring another victim and putting another family through something similar.

[RetiredAt63]

Just to comment on the private memorial.  I organized one and went to another.  The reasons for no formal service were different, but that part doesn't really matter.  The organizer got the word out, and in both cases we met in someone's home.  We sat in a circle (sort of) and just went around the circle sharing memories of the person. Then we had little refreshments (everyone brought something) and a chance to chat in smaller groups.

Both were good memorials for the deceased  In some ways I liked it better than a regular funeral or memorial service, it was much more personal.

All it takes is a place and time to meet, and someone to start contacting people who were close, and they can contact others who were close.   

[Fru-Gal]

I’m sorry for your loss and the terrible circumstances surrounding it. Having spoken to your father in those last days must feel like such a gift.

I recommend a memorial with the people you love when you are ready for it. It’s so healing.

[MaybeBabyMustache]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. And, hope you and your family get a chance to celebrate your dad's life when you all feel up to it.

[Blackeagle]

Edited to add I would put literally nothing past her. Three liens were placed on the home she owned prior to meeting my Dad. Three. But you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, so maybe she will try to get away with it?

It may be worth considering whether it really matters to you if she “gets away with it” at this point.

When her machinations affected your father’s well being, you obviously had a stake in the situation.  Now?  Perhaps the best thing you can do is to separate as quickly and thoroughly as you can.

[BicycleB]

My condolences.

[Dicey]

I've been to a lot of memorial services, and even hosted a few. Every single time, I have learned something about the person that I never knew. It's hugely comforting.

I, too, smell a rat with the quick cremation. Up to you whether to pursue or not, as it sadly won't change the outcome. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Metalcat]

Edited to add I would put literally nothing past her. Three liens were placed on the home she owned prior to meeting my Dad. Three. But you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, so maybe she will try to get away with it?

It may be worth considering whether it really matters to you if she “gets away with it” at this point.

When her machinations affected your father’s well being, you obviously had a stake in the situation.  Now?  Perhaps the best thing you can do is to separate as quickly and thoroughly as you can.

This.

What are you more likely to regret? Doing nothing and moving on or getting even further involved in fighting this monster and not moving on.

No option is fundamentally superior to the other, so go with your gut on what feels like the healthiest option to you.

[Omy]

The 3 life insurance policies on him, SM's claims that he was incoherent, his quick downhill slide, and the quick cremation are definitely suspicious.

Most states don't require autopsies in cases like this unless the circumstances are suspicious. I would probably alert the authorities of my concerns (assuming my siblings agreed) and then let it go. While this would be my approach, it's completely valid to drop it and just be done with evil SM.

[Villanelle]

Not that I feel the need to defend SM or put anything past her, but fast cremation doesn't seem to me as sketchy as it does to others.  Direct cremation is often cheaper.  SM is greedy and cheap.  So it makes sense she's look for the cheapest disposition possible.   There may well be nothing more to it than a cheap, money-obsessed person saving a few hundred bucks. 

Z, I'm sorry for your loss.  I will also echo the great advice to decide how much energy you want to continue to invest in all this.  If you need or want to, then that's the right path.  But it's also okay not to.  I feel like, because most of the posts here, are focused on that, it could push you in that direction, even if that's not what feels most authentic.

SM is awful.  Whether she does anything shady with SS payments or anything else, she is.  It's okay not to need to further prove that or show it to the world, if that's not what you need.  (It's also okay to go that direction, if it is what you need.) 

[Laura33]

Zamboni, I am so, so sorry about your father, and about how suddenly everything changed.

I do encourage you to do the memorial you are considering, when you have enough headspace to organize it.  One of the huge benefits that came from my stepdad's memorial service was that it allowed us to begin to remember him "before."  He had Parkinson's for a decade before he died (also very suddenly/unexpectedly), and none of us had realized how much his personality had changed over that decade.  Sitting with my step-sibs and with the friends who knew him years ago, we all started telling stories, and it allowed me to begin to remember the man he was, who was both whip-smart and incredibly silly.  It was painful, and I did get very angry as I began to realize how much the disease stole from us, but at the same time, remembering all of that gave him back to me in a way.

[Zamboni]

Hi everyone, thank you for the kind words, support, and ideas.

The whole ordeal has been very exhausting. I stayed home from work yesterday and finished and submitted his obituary. My Dad was in a business where he came into contact with a huge number of people in a positive way and he had a very, very wide circle of friends. Between that and the fact that he's lived in the same city for 50 years, it seemed worth it to put it in the paper in addition to online. I figure there are a fair number of elderly people who still read the print version of newspaper. Siblings helped me word it and especially helped me find the right picture of him to submit, so that was all good.

But today I went to work and it was really hard to get up and get there. Once I got there I was happy that I made the decision. My job is enjoyable and it was a sunny day to sit outside with friends and colleagues during lunch time. Of course, being on this website, I had packed my lunch, lol. I did treat myself to a fresh squeezed orange juice from the little cafe.

So, being budget conscious myself even though there's really not so much of a need for it in my case, I don't at all blame SM for going with the budget cremation. That's not even on her evil list at all. The urgency with which she did that was unnerving, but perhaps there is a storage fee if you wait past their first available slot? Even with the 3 insurance policies, she's in dire straights financially if she lives very long, and I pointed this out to her last year very bluntly. She hasn't changed her behaviour about some things, but I'm actually glad she didn't go crazy at the expensive funeral home . . . because she would expect us to pay for it, and you're a the same pile of ash after cremation regardless of the price.

I will never forgive SM for what went down, and forgiving people fast is a thing that I normally do. I don't know what exactly went down that led to him being hospitalized, and I was blocked by SM from really finding out. She could have poisoned him . . . or he could have just died from any of his myriad of health problems. At his age, it's not a surprise when someone dies. Even if she did poison him, he had a bunch of prescriptions and she could have OD'ed him on any of them. But, even though I'm not going to forgive her, I don't want her to blacken my heart. I think that's where things would go if I pursued a big inquest into his death.

[G-dog]

@Zamboni - you have gotten a lot of suggestions after losing your father.  But I think it’s fair to say we all support you doing, or not doing, whatever you need to deal with all the unknowns and feelings while you grieve.

Now you can block SM completely (or not if you want) and she can go to hell.

[Metalcat]

This is a lot of really healthy reflection

[Villanelle]

Hi everyone, thank you for the kind words, support, and ideas.

The whole ordeal has been very exhausting. I stayed home from work yesterday and finished and submitted his obituary. My Dad was in a business where he came into contact with a huge number of people in a positive way and he had a very, very wide circle of friends. Between that and the fact that he's lived in the same city for 50 years, it seemed worth it to put it in the paper in addition to online. I figure there are a fair number of elderly people who still read the print version of newspaper. Siblings helped me word it and especially helped me find the right picture of him to submit, so that was all good.

But today I went to work and it was really hard to get up and get there. Once I got there I was happy that I made the decision. My job is enjoyable and it was a sunny day to sit outside with friends and colleagues during lunch time. Of course, being on this website, I had packed my lunch, lol. I did treat myself to a fresh squeezed orange juice from the little cafe.

So, being budget conscious myself even though there's really not so much of a need for it in my case, I don't at all blame SM for going with the budget cremation. That's not even on her evil list at all. The urgency with which she did that was unnerving, but perhaps there is a storage fee if you wait past their first available slot? Even with the 3 insurance policies, she's in dire straights financially if she lives very long, and I pointed this out to her last year very bluntly. She hasn't changed her behaviour about some things, but I'm actually glad she didn't go crazy at the expensive funeral home . . . because she would expect us to pay for it, and you're a the same pile of ash after cremation regardless of the price.

I will never forgive SM for what went down, and forgiving people fast is a thing that I normally do. I don't know what exactly went down that led to him being hospitalized, and I was blocked by SM from really finding out. She could have poisoned him . . . or he could have just died from any of his myriad of health problems. At his age, it's not a surprise when someone dies. Even if she did poison him, he had a bunch of prescriptions and she could have OD'ed him on any of them. But, even though I'm not going to forgive her, I don't want her to blacken my heart. I think that's where things would go if I pursued a big inquest into his death.

With direct cremation, the body goes straight from hospital (or death site) to the crematorium.  Among other things, there is no embalming, so yes, it is significnatly less expensive. 

(I don't mean to keep harping on this.  Just providing info in case it is helpful or provides clarity.)

[wenchsenior]

Hi everyone, thank you for the kind words, support, and ideas.

The whole ordeal has been very exhausting. I stayed home from work yesterday and finished and submitted his obituary. My Dad was in a business where he came into contact with a huge number of people in a positive way and he had a very, very wide circle of friends. Between that and the fact that he's lived in the same city for 50 years, it seemed worth it to put it in the paper in addition to online. I figure there are a fair number of elderly people who still read the print version of newspaper. Siblings helped me word it and especially helped me find the right picture of him to submit, so that was all good.

But today I went to work and it was really hard to get up and get there. Once I got there I was happy that I made the decision. My job is enjoyable and it was a sunny day to sit outside with friends and colleagues during lunch time. Of course, being on this website, I had packed my lunch, lol. I did treat myself to a fresh squeezed orange juice from the little cafe.

So, being budget conscious myself even though there's really not so much of a need for it in my case, I don't at all blame SM for going with the budget cremation. That's not even on her evil list at all. The urgency with which she did that was unnerving, but perhaps there is a storage fee if you wait past their first available slot? Even with the 3 insurance policies, she's in dire straights financially if she lives very long, and I pointed this out to her last year very bluntly. She hasn't changed her behaviour about some things, but I'm actually glad she didn't go crazy at the expensive funeral home . . . because she would expect us to pay for it, and you're a the same pile of ash after cremation regardless of the price.

I will never forgive SM for what went down, and forgiving people fast is a thing that I normally do. I don't know what exactly went down that led to him being hospitalized, and I was blocked by SM from really finding out. She could have poisoned him . . . or he could have just died from any of his myriad of health problems. At his age, it's not a surprise when someone dies. Even if she did poison him, he had a bunch of prescriptions and she could have OD'ed him on any of them. But, even though I'm not going to forgive her, I don't want her to blacken my heart. I think that's where things would go if I pursued a big inquest into his death.

This is very clear thinking for such an emotionally overwhelming time.

:hugs:

[getsorted]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Zamboni. And I'm so glad you got that last conversation with your dad.

Your SM deserves a special place in hell.

[saguaro]

I am very sorry for your loss and for all the nonsense you had to go through with SM while your father was hospitalized.  Take time to take care of yourself and know that in spite of SM you managed to get in that last convo with your father so he knew you cared at the end. 

I have been following your saga and can relate to how it feels when you are shut out of knowing what is going on with a sick parent.  Been there unfortunately.  ((Zamboni))

[Zamboni]

Sometimes you have to play the long game.  I have a family member in a bad situation.  All I can do right now is keep in touch, keep good communication going with them, and set aside money as I can so that when they are ready to make a change they have the resources to do so.

I couldn't really process this at the time that you wrote it, but I'm glad you are keeping communication going with your family member. Don't let it lapse even a little. The person needs to know you are there for them. At some point you might even mention that they should not let finances dictate any of their choices because you are always there for them if things get really bad.

I have a brother who called me almost every single day when he realized I was going through a very rough patch a few years ago. He never told me what to do, he would mostly listen and then ask me sometimes what I thought I could or should do. He was always telling me that he loved me and my children and that I deserve to have a happy life, and sometimes he relayed stories from his own life about when he had struggled himself. It made a HUGE difference for my eventual life choices. He probably was frustrated that I was so slow to do what he undoubtedly felt I needed to do, but he never let up with the consistent checking in and messages of love and support. I hope that everyone can have someone like him in their lives.

[Dicey]

Sometimes you have to play the long game.  I have a family member in a bad situation.  All I can do right now is keep in touch, keep good communication going with them, and set aside money as I can so that when they are ready to make a change they have the resources to do so.

I couldn't really process this at the time that you wrote it, but I'm glad you are keeping communication going with your family member. Don't let it lapse even a little. The person needs to know you are there for them. At some point you might even mention that they should not let finances dictate any of their choices because you are always there for them if things get really bad.

I have a brother who called me almost every single day when he realized I was going through a very rough patch a few years ago. He never told me what to do, he would mostly listen and then ask me sometimes what I thought I could or should do. He was always telling me that he loved me and my children and that I deserve to have a happy life, and sometimes he relayed stories from his own life about when he had struggled himself. It made a HUGE difference for my eventual life choices. He probably was frustrated that I was so slow to do what he undoubtedly felt I needed to do, but he never let up with the consistent checking in and messages of love and support. I hope that everyone can have someone like him in their lives.

What a mensch!

[NV Teacher]

Sometimes you have to play the long game.  I have a family member in a bad situation.  All I can do right now is keep in touch, keep good communication going with them, and set aside money as I can so that when they are ready to make a change they have the resources to do so.

I couldn't really process this at the time that you wrote it, but I'm glad you are keeping communication going with your family member. Don't let it lapse even a little. The person needs to know you are there for them. At some point you might even mention that they should not let finances dictate any of their choices because you are always there for them if things get really bad.

I have a brother who called me almost every single day when he realized I was going through a very rough patch a few years ago. He never told me what to do, he would mostly listen and then ask me sometimes what I thought I could or should do. He was always telling me that he loved me and my children and that I deserve to have a happy life, and sometimes he relayed stories from his own life about when he had struggled himself. It made a HUGE difference for my eventual life choices. He probably was frustrated that I was so slow to do what he undoubtedly felt I needed to do, but he never let up with the consistent checking in and messages of love and support. I hope that everyone can have someone like him in their lives.

I try.  It’s just so damn painful to watch and not become a screeching shrew.  None of us get through challenges alone and to know we are not alone is what can keep us going until we get to the other side.

[eyesonthehorizon]

It sounds like your brother & your job have been very stabilizing in your life, uncommon gifts. I’m sure the obituary will be meaningful to many, so it was kind to put the work in. Retelling their stories makes new marks on the world.

I am also quick to forgive, usually, but breaking certain (blood) relations out of my life after something similar was the best thing I could have done. I don’t think there’s a reason to idealize forgiveness if they aren’t in your life or mind any longer - if they a forgotten, if anger fades to dull disinterest on being reminded, it’s not a burden.

[elaine amj]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your father and I hope that you are comforted by the fact that you did everything you could for him while respecting that he was an adult who made his own life choices. No matter what, through all kinds of incredibly trying circumstances, you made sure he knew how much you cared and that you were always on his side.

You did good.

And now you can grieve his loss, miss him, and cherish the lifetime of good memories with him.

Remember that even though he couldn’t break free of SM, he made it clear he loved you and cherished the time he spent with you. He knew you loved him and that is an incredible, special gift.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Zamboni]

I really appreciate all of the kindness on this message board.

All of your support about having separate memorials really helped us. After some discussion, my brother and sister decided to host a memorial service at the church they attend. I'm really glad they took initiative to do that in honor of my Dad to give his siblings, children, grandchildren a place and time to grieve together. They will have an online streaming link to the service for people who are remote and can't travel for various reasons.

Meanwhile, SM has announced that a couple of months from now she will throw a "party." Yes, party and celebration are the precise words she has chosen to use in the two emails she sent me about it. She wrote that she already reserved the venue, which is an events center being advertised online as a wedding reception hall. She also picked the date . . . and it's on my nephew's birthday. It happens to also be the same weekend as my Mom's birthday. Can't make this stuff up. The benevolent side of me wants to think she is just clueless and did not do any of that on purpose.  Regardless, it is just more than I can take and I'm finally officially done. I blocked her on my phone and marked her emails as junk.

[Metalcat]

I really appreciate all of the kindness on this message board.

All of your support about having separate memorials really helped us. After some discussion, my brother and sister decided to host a memorial service at the church they attend. I'm really glad they took initiative to do that in honor of my Dad to give his siblings, children, grandchildren a place and time to grieve together. They will have an online streaming link to the service for people who are remote and can't travel for various reasons.

Meanwhile, SM has announced that a couple of months from now she will throw a "party." Yes, party and celebration are the precise words she has chosen to use in the two emails she sent me about it. She wrote that she already reserved the venue, which is an events center being advertised online as a wedding reception hall. She also picked the date . . . and it's on my nephew's birthday. It happens to also be the same weekend as my Mom's birthday. Can't make this stuff up. The benevolent side of me wants to think she is just clueless and did not do any of that on purpose.  Regardless, it is just more than I can take and I'm finally officially done. I blocked her on my phone and marked her emails as junk.

Wow, I felt a visceral relief when I read this.

[reeshau]

I think both the memorial service and blocking communications are types of closure.

[G-dog]

I am glad you can be done with SM.  Though I suspect she will contact you again when she wants money. (new phone number or something to work around the block)

I hope your dad’s memorial is beautiful and healing for all who loved him

[iluvzbeach]

I would not be surprised if the talk about a party and renting an event center is just to open the door to ask for money to pay for said “party” and ultimately the “party” will never happen but the money will be long gone. Good on you for blocking her. No reason whatsoever to have her in your life anymore.

[Adventine]

You may also want to talk with your family about a backup plan, just in case that shrew decides to show up at the memorial that your siblings are going to organize. Like how some wedding planners have a backup plan to escort disruptive guests out of receptions, in a way that minimizes the stress for the bride and groom. It would be great if you have some beefy, assertive relatives who would be willing to watch out for, um, The Interloper, and hustle her out of the ceremony if necessary.

[MaybeBabyMustache]

I would not be surprised if the talk about a party and renting an event center is just to open the door to ask for money to pay for said “party” and ultimately the “party” will never happen but the money will be long gone. Good on you for blocking her. No reason whatsoever to have her in your life anymore.

This is also my take on the plan.

[G-dog]

I would not be surprised if the talk about a party and renting an event center is just to open the door to ask for money to pay for said “party” and ultimately the “party” will never happen but the money will be long gone. Good on you for blocking her. No reason whatsoever to have her in your life anymore.

This is also my take on the plan.

BINGO!

[Catbert]

^^^^Yep.  We have a winner.

[lhamo]

Y'all are so cynical. 

Clearly the reason for delaying the party is so that SM has a couple of months to line up her next partner, who will gladly pay for the whole shebang because she is clearly such a wonderful partner to want to honor the last one in such a lavish manner!

[Dicey]

You may also want to talk with your family about a backup plan, just in case that shrew decides to show up at the memorial that your siblings are going to organize. Like how some wedding planners have a backup plan to escort disruptive guests out of receptions, in a way that minimizes the stress for the bride and groom. It would be great if you have some beefy, assertive relatives who would be willing to watch out for, um, The Interloper, and hustle her out of the ceremony if necessary.

This is very wise advice, Adventine.