I'm sorry that's going on with your grandfather. It's a bummer.
Here's the thing: I don't expect someone to become a full-time live-in nurse. It's an unrealistic expectation anyway if both people are elderly. If my Dad or your Grandpa need an extensive amount of care and can't do things like brush their own teeth, then assisted living makes sense for them and I am supportive.
But that's not where my Dad is. I was literally just there, so I am confident in my assessment.
My Dad is a neat person and he has always done some cleaning and tasks like taking out the trash. Then they got a maid years ago. He still keeps his own things picked up and takes out the trash at the new place, I watched him do it. He's never been especially willing to cook, but now they have move into an apartment complex that comes with 3 meals a day provided 7 days a week. They also have maid service, free unlimited coffee, etc. So, if SM doesn't want to cook or clean anymore, then that is solved.
He's also a really, really sweet guy. He's not mean or nasty to her at all. He's loving and always supports whatever she wants. She will immediately acknowledge that he is extremely kind. So this isn't a situation where she is being abused. It's starting to feel the other way around, although she tries to put on a public face about what a super nice person she is.
The selling of their home was forced by her extremely poor financial management and online shopping addiction. It got to where the little equity in their home was the only money she hadn't spent (and she had cash out refi'ed in the past, but the market was strong 2020-2022 so they had some new equity). She talked about a reverse mortgage but she was in too deep with her latest debts for that to make a dent. In my opinion they should have picked a living situation they could afford OR a place with graduated care (the current place is neither), but it was 100% her call and she wasn't interested in feedback from anyone else. Money, yes SEND NOW. Suggestions, no, get out of our business.
SM just wants people to send her money. Her current reason is that she says my Dad needs more care than (quoting her here) "I can afford." She views their money as HER money, not their money. Which is weird given that he earned most of it and still provides well more than half via social security.
I don't think anyone in the family is going for it. The people on my side of the family are all well educated and more shrewd than she realizes. Now that I've talked to a few more people in the extended family, I don't think anyone is going for her ploy. The general opinion is that Dad and SM should use the money they have to pay for his needs. Makes sense, right?
The people are her side of the family either are either 1) completely no contact with her, or 2) acknowledge that "she lives in her own version of reality." The one person in her family who still talks to her and tries to help her doesn't have money to give her even if they want to as far as I can tell.
Now she is talking about "putting him" in hospice. But he doesn't have a terminal diagnosis, and last time I was there he told me he has ZERO pain, so that doesn't make sense to me at all. I think she has it in his head that hospice does something other than what they provide. Or, more likely, she's trying to convince everyone that he is definitely going to die soon. Have I mentioned that she has several life insurance policies on him? The premiums on their life insurances alone are >$1000 a month. The payouts aren't great at all since she's borrowed from them already somehow, but I think she's getting more and more desperate for cash. The life insurance + apartment fees combine to be more than their income per month. And that's without any personal item expenses like tp & kleenex.
From what SM has said to us, she has some sort of magical thinking that my Dad kicking the bucket will solve all her money problems. And I guess maybe it would if it freed her up to latch onto a 4th husband who has money?
