My family culture includes two ideas: 1) You don't impose on others. 2) "It is what it is."
My grandmother did things in the way that I hope to. She was living on her own and healthy until she was 92, a few states away from anyone else. Things started to take a turn, and the rest of us worried, so she moved herself into a good assisted living place near my parents.
Two years after that, she decided she'd done everything she wanted to do, and there were more bad days than good, so she procured a prescription from her doctor. She had already asked her three children if they wanted a phone call to say goodbye: my two uncles said yes, so they got a call. My mother said no, because she worried that she wouldn't be able to let her go, so my grandmother wrote her a letter. She was found the next morning in bed by the nursing staff.
Her apartment was clean, her papers were in order, and she had long ago noted which of her few belongings should pass on to which family members and friends, and what should be donated or disposed of. There was no discussion about the sentimental value of things that were really just "things." She specifically requested no funeral or memorial, but we did gather to toast her and comfort each other.
It was sad, but not tragic, for most of us. The few family members who are religious, however, were traumatized because they knew she was an atheist and were sure she was going to hell. They went so far as to insinuate that she had probably accepted Jesus on her deathbed, an idea was was promptly shot down by the rest as disrespectful. The decision was made to withhold from them that it was a planned death, because they wouldn't have been able to accept it. As far as they know, she died in her sleep.
We tell our kids that, although we don't believe in an afterlife, we know that our atoms will reappear in the plants, animals, soil, and rocks all around us. It's kind of nice to think of parts of us living on in flowers, trees, birds, worms, etc. When someone dies, we're sad for them, but really, we're sad for ourselves. Life will go on.
At this point in my life I realize I can only control myself. I do my best to stay happy, healthy, balanced, reducing stress and negativity. However there are other factors I now can acknowledge that play a role in my longevity such as family genetics and risks involved with driving.
I completely agree with you Tamara! If I had full control of my body and mind, I would choose in advance the methods your grandmother chose. To me that is the most
balanced approach. I like your grandmother am atheist and have no intention for funeral or ceremony. I too would love to be able to write letters or talk to each person I care for one at a time but who knows if the body has the energy?
I feel it isn't death that I fear the most, it is any potential regrets combined with attachments. Once I reach a point in my old age where I do not have regrets and I can release attachments, I think I can let go ... preferrably peacefully in my sleep outside in a nursing home. My own grandmothers passed away peacefully in our home and it just happened naturally. Because we were caring for all of their needs there were no financial concerns whatsoever. LTC was not a factor so time will tell if this holds true for my own parents.
Perhaps my feelings may change with the addition of a spouse though I doubt I'd want my life to be extended if I am attached to a machine indefinitely. Only time will tell.
