offending others on social media

[totoro]

I've been thinking about this recently because I've noticed that it is pretty easy to offend others online sometimes.

On an internet forum where we don't really know each other this happens too, but on this site you can usually work through it if you remain reasonable and polite, but it is unusual that way I think.

I've been thinking recently that I might have to work on my responses towards people who post things that I know are based on misinformation, emotional "facts", or are based on opinions that are potentially harmful to others.

For example, on FB I have some family members that are pretty "red necked" and are fond of posting stuff that I find kind of nuts. 

This morning it was a defence of some Duck Dynasty guy (Phil Robertson) who made homophobic comments.  First  thing I've heard of it, but my immediate response was to think it was a bit shocking that someone would feel fine to defend homophobia online.  Free speech is one thing, defence of the underlying beliefs is another.

So, I made no comment.  Why not?  Because I've learned that some people don't want to hear another point of view and I don't really accomplish anything. Given that we are related, if I defriend them then it is not without consequence either.

The last thing I posted was a response to a posting of this urban legend as if it was true story: http://www.snopes.com/rumors/lapelpin.asp  I just posted the snopes link, but I don't think it was really appreciated.  In reality, I was pretty disturbed that someone would even think it was okay to post in the first place.  Why don't people check facts first when they could harm others?

I guess I've always had a sense that things have to be fair and factual and I usually don't remain silent because I feel like I have an obligation to speak up - part of a civil society.

I find though that I'm a bit confused sometimes when it comes to family and some friends on FB.  The line between free speech, hate speech, misinformation, blood relations and my own views on fairness sometimes leave me feeling like I don't know what the right thing to do is. 

I think being silent on social media might be for the best in these circumstances, but it doesn't feel fabulous.

[golfer44]

I try to never miss an opportunity to STFU.

I ask myself, what is to be gained by engaging? Most people posting aren't doing so in the hopes of learning something or having a discussion, they're either trying to stir the pot or beat on their chest about their own beliefs.

More often than not, it's completely not worth it.

[the fixer]

[totoro]

That made me laugh - thanks!

[totoro]

I try to never miss an opportunity to STFU.

I ask myself, what is to be gained by engaging? Most people posting aren't doing so in the hopes of learning something or having a discussion, they're either trying to stir the pot or beat on their chest about their own beliefs.

More often than not, it's completely not worth it.

Yep, you are probably right...

[aclarridge]

I just don't have Facebook. My wife does, and almost lost a friend because of one flippant remark she made. Some people are more offended than if you had said it to their face because it's more "public".

On the forums, the relationship with people is strictly acquaintance or something less, but with a common interest. I like that better for this purpose. I'm a lot less worried about offending people - I'm polite in my opinion, but if somebody disagrees it's not really a problem for me.

I guess I'm saying that for family and close friends, I'd rather have my interactions be face-to-face or by email/phone - i.e. not with other people watching and listening.

[Eric]

That made me laugh - thanks!

Yes!  That is awesome!

[ace1224]

i don't have social media anymore because the fights over "vague booking" got ridiculous.  i watched a divorce play out on my news feed once years ago.  it was sad/funny/pathetic/amusing/and honestly a whole bunch of "did that just happen?"

[totoro]

I didn't realize I could do that selectively... it might be the answer. 

Oh, the irony.  I just went online and the fellow who is by far the most "ist" "phobic" poster (and was the author of the two things I remarked on above) posted:

"The world is a magical place full of people waiting to be offended".

[marty998]

Every post anywhere will probably cause offence to someone these days. I just cannot believe people have the time to waste mindlessly posting their boring lives on facebook. (Don't tell them you are bored by their posts, that will def cause offence or turn them into a hyperposting freak determined to prove they are not boring).

I make use of the unfollow button quite a bit. Removes a lot of random garbage I have to sift through on the occasional time I do log in to FB.

[HappierAtHome]

One of the many reasons I gave up facebook was because people seemed to be looking for a fight/drama in every post. Just not worth my life energy!

[chicagomeg]

I try not to get worked up about Facebook. The advice to hide people is good but for me, the offenders are mainly my extended family. I do like seeing what they're up to, especially pics of their kids, but could do without the racist/sexist comments that come up from time to time. Homophobia is so rampant in my world that I don't even get worked up about it. People have to come around in their own time and 99% of the time you probably hurt your case more than you help by arguing it.

[Jamesqf]

One reason (of many) I don't do really social media like Facebook is that I want to be free to discuss ideas without the arguments being taken as intending personal offense.

As for instance the OP's example.  From my limited knowledge, the person in question is a Christian, and was just quoting what the Bible has to say on the subject.  How's that offensive, in any direction?

[melalvai]

I'm going to speak up in favor of facebook. A lot of people find the solution in not using facebook. That's fine.

I've found a solution that allows me to use facebook and get a lot of enjoyment out of it. People worry that they spend too much time on facebook-- I don't worry about that. I am a social person and I like social interaction and I don't get a lot of that right now. Ideally I'd have a life where I got a lot of social interaction in person and then I might not use facebook so much. I still like it to stay in touch with distant friends & family though.

My solution is one that has already been mentioned-- unfollow the people who frequently post junk. Sometimes I'll unfriend them as well. I don't make a big thing of it. I don't tell them about it so the only way they'd know is if they happened to notice they weren't seeing posts from me, or chanced to look. I don't think I have ever re-friended someone I unfriended.

I don't unfriend family members, but I'll hide them.

Second, I ignore a lot of junk. I'm good at that. My husband is not. He can't ignore the ads either, and he doesn't like them. I said, "There are ads?" I hadn't even noticed. Apparently, I have good filters. The bright side is I can easily ignore stuff. The disadvantage is that I'm not the most observant person. He has almost no filters. He is much more observant than I am. (Except about, you know, when the toilet needs cleaned! lol) But he can't ignore stuff as easily.

Someone who posted about how many people are out there just waiting to be offended-- that person would probably be on my chopping block pretty quick.

[KingCoin]

I think most people are approval seeking at some level, so silence on that "impeach Obama now" posting can be even more irksome than someone taking the bait.

With more personal stuff, it's best to send someone a personal message rather than chastising them publicly. Something like "Hey, I know you're going through a tough time right now, and emotions are running high, but I'm worried that you might regret posting these things publicly in the future. After all, everything you post on the internet goes into the permanent record. Give me a call if you want to talk things over or if you need someone to listen."

[totoro]

I don't unfriend family members, but I'll hide them.

I didn't realize you could hide family members... I'd like to be able to do that in real life too sometimes.

As far as the Duck Dynasty guy goes, I have no idea what he said but the FB post in support was ridiculous and homophobic.  Def a relative I need to hide.

[KingCoin]

From my limited knowledge, the person in question is a Christian, and was just quoting what the Bible has to say on the subject.  How's that offensive, in any direction?

It's offensive because it's invariably loaded with personal judgement. The poster isn't looking to start an impromptu bible study.  In my experience, when the bible quotes start coming out, it's almost always to justify existing biases rather than an honest exploration of the subject.  No one says, man, I was all ready to applaud A&E for rejecting those homophobic comments, but then I read Leviticus it totally changed my mind!

It's also unproductive. I could shoot back a verse about not eating shellfish (and comment on his chowing down at Red Lobster last week) or a verse on the necessity of sacrificing 15 goats to atone for sins (and the fact that I haven't seen any blood spilled since that strip club bender at John's Bachelor Party) but things will obviously just devolve from there. One person will be homophobic, the other a godless heathen, etc. etc.  The point is that the bible quote wasn't used to have an honest discussion about morality vis-a-vis the Hebrew book of law, it was to pass judgement on others.  You could argue that A&E is guilty of the same by firing said member of the Duck Dynasty, but that at best makes the poster a hypocrite.

[Eric]

A TV show about guys and duck whistles?  Listen, I've got nothing against guys who build duck whistles.  Some of my best friends build duck whistles.  I just wish the duck whistle manufacturing lifestyle wasn't constantly shoved down my throat.  If God had intended for men to call ducks, he would have created us so we spoke the same language.  Humans communicating with ducks?  It's an abomination!

[KingCoin]

A TV show about guys and duck whistles?  Listen, I've got nothing against guys who build duck whistles.  Some of my best friends build duck whistles.  I just wish the duck whistle manufacturing lifestyle wasn't constantly shoved down my throat.  If God had intended for men to call ducks, he would have created us so we spoke the same language.  Humans communicating with ducks?  It's an abomination!

If this was Facebook, I would have "liked" this.

[The knitter]

A TV show about guys and duck whistles?  Listen, I've got nothing against guys who build duck whistles.  Some of my best friends build duck whistles.  I just wish the duck whistle manufacturing lifestyle wasn't constantly shoved down my throat.  If God had intended for men to call ducks, he would have created us so we spoke the same language.  Humans communicating with ducks?  It's an abomination!

I want to passive aggressively make this my Facebook status, but I'll resist the urge.

[Undecided]

t was to pass judgement on others.  You could argue that A&E is guilty of the same by firing said member of the Duck Dynasty ....

Why wouldn't a company continously reasses its judgments about its business, though? If they think their affiliation with the offender will hurt the Hearsts and Disney stockholders (or whoever now owns A&E), aren't they supposed to take steps to avoid that harm?

[Eric]

A TV show about guys and duck whistles?  Listen, I've got nothing against guys who build duck whistles.  Some of my best friends build duck whistles.  I just wish the duck whistle manufacturing lifestyle wasn't constantly shoved down my throat.  If God had intended for men to call ducks, he would have created us so we spoke the same language.  Humans communicating with ducks?  It's an abomination!

I want to passive aggressively make this my Facebook status, but I'll resist the urge.

I posted it as mine.  It got like 20+ likes!!  [pumps fist]

You can steal it.  I won't tell.

[totoro]

A TV show about guys and duck whistles?  Listen, I've got nothing against guys who build duck whistles.  Some of my best friends build duck whistles.  I just wish the duck whistle manufacturing lifestyle wasn't constantly shoved down my throat.  If God had intended for men to call ducks, he would have created us so we spoke the same language.  Humans communicating with ducks?  It's an abomination!

If this was Facebook, I would have "liked" this.

I am so tempted to post this... stop... stop... I must stop.

[KingCoin]

t was to pass judgement on others.  You could argue that A&E is guilty of the same by firing said member of the Duck Dynasty ....

Why wouldn't a company continously reasses its judgments about its business, though? If they think their affiliation with the offender will hurt the Hearsts and Disney stockholders (or whoever now owns A&E), aren't they supposed to take steps to avoid that harm?

Sure. I was more offering up a devil's advocate position than suggesting that A&E is guilty of "judgement". I fully suspect that their position was more of a financial one than a moral one.

[Russ]

I prefer to offend people IRL

[Jamesqf]

From my limited knowledge, the person in question is a Christian, and was just quoting what the Bible has to say on the subject.  How's that offensive, in any direction?

It's offensive because it's invariably loaded with personal judgement. The poster isn't looking to start an impromptu bible study.  In my experience, when the bible quotes start coming out, it's almost always to justify existing biases rather than an honest exploration of the subject. 

Maybe it's different on Facebook and such, but on most forums where I've participated in discussions of such subjects, there does seem to be a good deal of honest discussion.  Even if the discussion doesn't change anyone's mind, at the very least it gives so insight into why people think as they do, when they're so silly as to disagree with moi :-)

[Noodle]

I once heard of Facebook described as a cocktail party. If you wouldn't say something to a roomful of people you know only to a limited degree, don't say it on FB.

Maybe it depends on your circle of acquaintances. Most of my friends post about their kids or various life events. My sibs use it as a way to post quick photos or funny sayings of my nieces and nephews, which they probably wouldn't remember by the next phone chat. It's like a running version of a Christmas letter (the fun kind).

Those selective screening tools are terrific. I have used them for one friend who likes to share his politics (I really just wanted to see baby pics) and one relative who likes to post his life in 5 minute increments. If I want to check in on them, I have the option.

[Peter]

I've just last week culled about 50 people from facebook who were "troublemakers". These are the people that are constantly posting junk about gay rights, bullying, feminism, demonizing and censoring traditionalists, and other liberal social engineering BS. There is too much temptation to comment, and it boils my blood and leads to comment wars that never end well.

There's really no benefit in participating in such things.

[Richard3]

I've just last week culled about 50 people from facebook who were "troublemakers". These are the people that are constantly posting junk about gay rights, bullying, feminism, demonizing and censoring traditionalists, and other liberal social engineering BS. There is too much temptation to comment, and it boils my blood and leads to comment wars that never end well.

There's really no benefit in participating in such things.

Maybe if you didn't refer to people you disagreed with as troublemakers who posted junk / liberal social engineering bullshit, things might be a little more civil.

Or just retreat into your Fox News cocoon and post about how Obama is a muslim who is going to force everyone to be gay in big gay concentration camps, that works too. ;)

[reginna]

I try to never miss an opportunity to STFU.

I ask myself, what is to be gained by engaging? Most people posting aren't doing so in the hopes of learning something or having a discussion, they're either trying to stir the pot or beat on their chest about their own beliefs.

More often than not, it's completely not worth it.

I try to never miss an opportunity to STFU.

Brilliant!!

[KingCoin]

I've just last week culled about 50 people from facebook who were "troublemakers". These are the people that are constantly posting junk about gay rights, bullying, feminism, demonizing and censoring traditionalists, and other liberal social engineering BS. There is too much temptation to comment, and it boils my blood and leads to comment wars that never end well.

There's really no benefit in participating in such things.

Maybe if you didn't refer to people you disagreed with as troublemakers who posted junk / liberal social engineering bullshit, things might be a little more civil.

Or just retreat into your Fox News cocoon and post about how Obama is a muslim who is going to force everyone to be gay in big gay concentration camps, that works too. ;)

And we're off!

But seriously, I don't have a problem with anyone sharing any viewpoint. I'm purely concerned with whether the view shared is thoughtful, nuanced, considers both sides of the argument, and is generally empathetic. Posts that are purely inflammatory serve only to entrench each side. Unfortunately, one insidious outgrowth of the internet age is that it lets confirmation bias run wild and leaves people who ultimately want similar things at each others throats.

[gooki]

I offend my wife all the time on Facebook.

[AllChoptUp]

^^^ Ha!  I know a married couple that have FB accounts but aren't friends.  Caused too many fights, they said.

[simonsez]

Social media, especially facebook, are interesting for sure.  The amount of selection bias is extraordinary, which is unavoidable.  You don't see people posting (at least not usually) about how something is a non-story or isn't important.  No, you have the people who feel it is important posting with most not touching it because a) it isn't important or b) nothing is to be gained from commenting/debating a hot button issue.  Then, due to a news feed being filled up with basically junk, it can become a little depressing because you start to think the feed is a proxy for true society and how (most) people feel and what is important.  It is moments like those where you have to take a step back and chuckle at how you became temporarily emotionally invested.  You say, "Almost facebook! You almost had me going!"  Then you go outside and take a nice stroll or hit the gym or work on your hobby(ies) or watch a movie with your significant other or phone your friends or parents and realize what you see on facebook is laughable as a representation of what you encounter in life.  It is great to hear about acquaintances lives and travels every now and then, though.

Speaking of, I need to get off this forum and go play trains and trucks with my nephew while I am home for Christmas…. (maybe I'll take a picture of it and post it to…..nevermind) :)