Non-mustachian: social media and divorce

[rubybeth]

I've noticed quite a few friends/acquaintances who are (were?) married and listed that relationship on Facebook just no longer list a marital status, and photos of them and their (former?) spouse have disappeared or decreased, as well. I'm not close enough (geographically or relationally) to really nicely ask, "So, did you get divorced?" or bring it up casually in conversation, but gosh I am nosy and want to know! I'm also not known for my tact, so maybe there's a nicer way of asking this, but I haven't discovered it yet.

I find it kind of strange to not acknowledge your divorce in any way, even just a status update like "FYI, Jim Bob and I are no longer together. Things are great for me and my new address in Brooklyn is treating me well." Or something about where the kids are living, if that might be important. I knew one friend was separated and people kept commenting stuff about the ex as though they were still together, but they clearly didn't know what was going on, so it was just strange and the rest of commenting got a little awkward for those of us who knew they weren't together.

I'm curious about this, and if others have good ways of dealing with this, or how you handled this yourself during your own divorce. I realize that lawyers likely tell you to keep your divorce info. off the internet, so guessing this plays a hand. But have your friends done the same thing (suddenly not listing a marital status) or have they 'announced' their divorce, or what? Or maybe just tell me I'm being overly nosy and it doesn't matter and I should get over it.

[Kaspian]

I've noticed quite a few friends/acquaintances who are (were?) married and listed that relationship on Facebook just no longer list a marital status, and photos of them and their (former?) spouse have disappeared or decreased, as well. I'm not close enough (geographically or relationally) to really nicely ask, "So, did you get divorced?" or bring it up casually in conversation, but gosh I am nosy and want to know! I'm also not known for my tact, so maybe there's a nicer way of asking this, but I haven't discovered it yet.

I find it kind of strange to not acknowledge your divorce in any way, even just a status update like "FYI, Jim Bob and I are no longer together. Things are great for me and my new address in Brooklyn is treating me well." Or something about where the kids are living, if that might be important. I knew one friend was separated and people kept commenting stuff about the ex as though they were still together, but they clearly didn't know what was going on, so it was just strange and the rest of commenting got a little awkward for those of us who knew they weren't together.

I'm curious about this, and if others have good ways of dealing with this, or how you handled this yourself during your own divorce. I realize that lawyers likely tell you to keep your divorce info. off the internet, so guessing this plays a hand. But have your friends done the same thing (suddenly not listing a marital status) or have they 'announced' their divorce, or what? Or maybe just tell me I'm being overly nosy and it doesn't matter and I should get over it.

Social media is some weird vicious circle.  People only post good things, babies, and vacations--life is grand!  So when something bad/not so good happens, they go on Facebook and all they see is all this good stuff posted by others.  Then they get depressed 'cause they think everyone's having a grand time except for them.  Then there's the whole "cult of positive thinking" which has taken over.  Nobody's allowed to say anything which might have "negative energy" attached.  ...It's all a load of hogwash. 

You know those crazy marriage shows where people were spending $60,000 for their "special day"?  I always believed if they appeared on one of those shows, being all lovey-dovey and spend-crazy for the world to see, they should also be legally bound to go through a divorce on TV should it ever happen. 

[rubybeth]

You know those crazy marriage shows where people were spending $60,000 for their "special day"?  I always believed if they appeared on one of those shows, being all lovey-dovey and spend-crazy for the world to see, they should also be legally bound to go through a divorce on TV should it ever happen.

I'd probably watch that, if I weren't mustachian and don't get cable. :D

[Goldielocks]

The only "nice" way I can think of is to simply private message "Hey,  I haven't seen George on your FB postings lately, is he OK?"... 

 Which is when you find out that George (or George's work) decided he did not like being tagged in bad photos and simply asked to be removed from any future FB postings.

[Thegoblinchief]

Or they are in the middle of the divorce proceedings and they've been advised by their lawyer to not talk about it on social media.

[ThriftyD]

I think Kaspian is dead on.  People mostly only post/share good things or attention-seeking things going on in their life on Facebook.  People will post the fun vacation photos, share pics of their new car, pat themselves on the back about a job promotion, share how superior their political/religious/whatever views are to anyone else's, etc but they are hesitant to post about a tough time in their life, share that they failed a course/lost their job, admit to being wrong on an issue, etc. 

I find myself going on Facebook less and less and I don't use Twitter.  I'll scroll through the newsfeed to see what's going and maybe respond to a post on someone else's wall once in awhile but I seldom post anything myself.  I feel if I've got something important to say, I'll personally call, visit, text. etc the people that need to hear it.  Not everyone on my Facebook friend list needs to know my intimate goings-on.  While I personally know all my Facebook friends, many of them are simply acquaintances, not close friends that I would confide a personal problem or hardships to.

I'm sure if it's your close friend or family member that got divorced, they'd tell you themselves.  If not, maybe they're just not ready to talk about it to anyone yet.  If it's not a close friend, co-worker, or family member, maybe it doesn't/shouldn't matter to you if they got divorced or not.     

[Katy Stache]

Last year I received Christmas cards from two aunts, neither referred to my uncles, just left their names off the return address and the cards. Both aunts are in their late 60s and had been married for a long time. Of course, I thought the uncles were dead but no, they had both gotten divorced! I contacted close relatives to get the scoop.

[rubybeth]

ThriftyD, you'd think that, but many of my friends share personal struggles on Facebook, so it's not all 'good news' in my feed, and I often find myself offering support via social networking. One friend is currently unemployed, two recently had traumatic miscarriages, another struggles with dating in her late 30s, etc. so while some people only post 'happy' news, that's not been my experience with my friends. And I guess these people are more acquaintances, but still, I am nosy. :)

Katy Stache, that's exactly the kind of thing that I mean! I find it very weird that both your aunts would do that, and it makes it awkward for people who don't know what happened, and maybe even more awkward for the aunts themselves. What if you sent your Christmas cards to "Aunt and Uncle" and then just got one back from "Aunt." I think this is more of a courtesy thing so that people don't make social faux pas in asking about the ex-spouse!

And Thegoblinchief, I acknowledged that it may be at the direction of a lawyer in my original post. I mean people who never even mention that they're divorced, and the divorce has already happened, like maybe 6 months ago.

I don't know that I'm explaining myself well, but I just find it strange. I guess if DH and I got divorced, I'd probably message my friends and tell them what's going on, and maybe make a brief announcement about where to send mail to him. I should look up what Miss Manners says about all of this...

[Jessa]

I don't know what the etiquette is either...I know two on Facebook, one changed her Facebook name back to her maiden name, so I figured it was divorce. She's now getting re-married and posting all about that, but there was never any specific mention of the divorce. I think that goes to the "only post happy news on Facebook" thing, which I do think is pretty common. The other one...she still has the married last name, but has referenced being a single mother. I'm not sure if they divorced or if he may have died before we became Facebook friends...not something I'm going to ask.

[EastCoastMike]

I'm not sure how I'd ask that.  I know I'm not curious enough about other people's lives to care either way though.  I generally just say to myself that it's none of my business and then I move on to other things.

[Jouer]

Maybe they kept it off Facebook because it is a private matter. Their close friends and family likely know. There is no obligation to share every piece of your life on social media.

If you really want to know....is there a mutual friend that is closer to this person than you who might know? If so, reach out to that person (privately) to ask.

[Sid Hoffman]

My ex-wife posted an announcement when we split up.  I only have 30 facebook friends, almost all of which were family so I didn't need to send a notification since my family already knew.

[fubared]

I admit, I am that divorced person. My divorce took years to finalize even after a year of trying to save my marriage. My ex wife's grandma literally posted on photo's about us looking like such a happy couple, when it wasn't even me in the photo, months after she left me to travel the world. Her family thinks she made a bad decision leaving me, so I don't think she wanted to draw a lot of attention to it. It comes down to people not wanting to be judged or questioned about their actions. At least in my situation I think she is trying to portray that her life is getting better and better. 

[partgypsy]

A friend whose husband has left, still is listed as being married on Facebook. So is his, even though no longer living there. There was an awkward posting of soon after it happening, a mutual acquaintance posting, look at this cute pic of you two (which both of them didn't reply to).  To me it seems really straaange. But there really isn't a good way to do it. They are still legally married. Neither are referring to it on Facebook (except extremely obliquely). Most likely past when it all becomes official/legal, then they will change their statuses.

So I can imagine, if someone has deleted their status, no active pics of that person on their page probably has the meaning you think it does. A private message if you know them well is what I would do, but only if you are there to offer support, not just out of curiosity.