Author Topic: Need some help - talk me through how to stop shopping and declutter my home  (Read 8317 times)

shoppingcompulsion

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Hello,

I have a very pathetic shopping problem and cluttered house full of stuff that is adding stress to my life.  YOLO and after hearing a very depressing story about how life can change very drastically for the worse I don't know why I continue to waste my time with this stupidity.   I am a former poster, under a different username as this is embarrassing,  and need some tough love to move past this very bad and unproductive habit.  When I start feeling the itch to shop I tend to stop logging into this site as I know what I am doing is bad behavior.

I have never been in debt and have a amassed a very nice amount of savings - to attempt to quantify this bad behavior Looking back at Mint quickly, I maybe spent between ~5,000 on this last year (may be less as that likely includes baby stuff) - which I know is totally ridiculous!   .  When I do shop, I buy things for usually 70% - 90% off.  I love clothing, always have and sometimes tell myself that i could become a personal shopper once i "retire".  But maybe that is akin to having an alcoholic work in a bar.  I think I know that is probably not a good idea. I have enough clothing to last me the rest of my life.  I have been using ebay and poshmark/vinted - apps to purchase clothes secondhand because I can find deals on really beautiful clothing. 

But I don't need any of it. I also work at home so I am purchasing for a lifestyle I don't get to live that often.   And my house is a constant cluttered mess because of it.  It is sad and it is something I see at my husband's parents home and vow not to be like them.  But I am.  I have a child and I don't want her to grow up with this stupidity.  I can clean up and put things away if I have to but it is a constant battle as we have too much stuff. 

I brought a ton of clothing, new with tags to two consignment stores and I logged into one and I can tell that items are selling.  In my brain, I know I just need to donate all of the extras but I can't do it for some reason.  I was going to drop off two more containers to the consignment store but I think maybe I am better off just donating it all and taking a tax write off.

I work from home and have had trouble with motivation as late and sometimes when I am working or running jobs I will peruse ebay for things I don't need.  I just waste so much time of my stupid life doing this.   Every morning I check on websites like slickdeals or followsales what are the new deals. But I don't need this shit.

Ironically, I prefer a minimal aesthetic. I just can't seem to get there myself. 

How do I stop this stupid behavior?  Sometimes I feel like I work so I can buy more shit I don't need.  So depressing as I type this out and read it back to myself.

NotJen

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Sounds pretty bad - maybe get professional help for a shopping addiction?

If you want to stop, just stop.  Practice not buying things, instead of buying them.  Find a different hobby.

Have you ever read "The Power of Habit"?  (http://charlesduhigg.com/the-power-of-habit/) I read it last year, and found it very inspiring.  It helped me to change a couple of bad habits I had let creep up on me.  Just make sure you check it out from your local library instead of buying it!

Erica/NWEdible

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You think you're the only "together" person with an embarrassing secret? Nah, get in fucking line - none of us are perfect. We all struggle, we all fall short, we all have things that are "burner account" worthy. The point is - who is in charge of your life? Is it you, or your shopping compulsion? Do you care enough to be the grown up in your own story? If so, do better today than yesterday.

Figure out why you are sabotaging yourself and deal with it. Counseling, drugs, therapy, swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever - I don't know what will work for you. The point is, you aren't alone, and you aren't hopeless. So stand up and start doing better. Start with The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. It really is kind of life changing. It might be just the swift spiritual kick to the head you've been looking for. Good luck.

PJ

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Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having this struggle.  I hope you know that you're not alone.  Many people (including many on this forum, I'm sure) have struggled to control their impulses, in ways that have been detrimental to their finances - not to mention their emotional well-being. 

I'm going to second the suggestion to seek some professional help.  Your doctor should be able to make a referral, or google "shopping addiction" along with the name of your town and state/province or country to find the names of some agencies working with compulsive shoppers.  Also, if you haven't already, please have a serious sit-down conversation with your spouse about all this, and ideally get some others on-board to be your support team in all this.  Choose carefully - you want the friends/family members who know how to support you without necessarily telling you how to solve the problem, who are open and able to admit their own faults and struggles, etc. 

Finally, you can implement some environmental approaches.  Delete credit card/debit card/PayPal info from shopping websites (and if you need to hand your credit/debit cards over to someone else to prevent yourself from re-entering, then so be it!), delete shopping apps from your phone, remove yourself from e-mail distribution lists, and utilize some of the programs out there that allow you to block certain sites too.  The idea is to make it as hard as possible for you to make the purchase in the first place, and give yourself opportunities to change your mind when you're tempted.

I pray you will find the way and the strength to overcome this habit that you know is destructive.  I know that others here will want to support and encourage you.  If you've found that online accountability helps you, consider starting a journal, track "no shopping days" and the emotions that you experience around the temptation to shop.  And maybe look for an online shopping compulsion support group - this website has a list of them:  http://www.shopaholicnomore.com/spending-addiction/

Emilyngh

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Hello,

I have a very pathetic shopping problem and cluttered house full of stuff that is adding stress to my life.  YOLO and after hearing a very depressing story about how life can change very drastically for the worse I don't know why I continue to waste my time with this stupidity.   I am a former poster, under a different username as this is embarrassing,  and need some tough love to move past this very bad and unproductive habit.  When I start feeling the itch to shop I tend to stop logging into this site as I know what I am doing is bad behavior.

I have never been in debt and have a amassed a very nice amount of savings - to attempt to quantify this bad behavior Looking back at Mint quickly, I maybe spent between ~5,000 on this last year (may be less as that likely includes baby stuff) - which I know is totally ridiculous!   .  When I do shop, I buy things for usually 70% - 90% off.  I love clothing, always have and sometimes tell myself that i could become a personal shopper once i "retire".  But maybe that is akin to having an alcoholic work in a bar.  I think I know that is probably not a good idea. I have enough clothing to last me the rest of my life.  I have been using ebay and poshmark/vinted - apps to purchase clothes secondhand because I can find deals on really beautiful clothing. 

But I don't need any of it. I also work at home so I am purchasing for a lifestyle I don't get to live that often.   And my house is a constant cluttered mess because of it.  It is sad and it is something I see at my husband's parents home and vow not to be like them.  But I am.  I have a child and I don't want her to grow up with this stupidity.  I can clean up and put things away if I have to but it is a constant battle as we have too much stuff. 

I brought a ton of clothing, new with tags to two consignment stores and I logged into one and I can tell that items are selling.  In my brain, I know I just need to donate all of the extras but I can't do it for some reason.  I was going to drop off two more containers to the consignment store but I think maybe I am better off just donating it all and taking a tax write off.

I work from home and have had trouble with motivation as late and sometimes when I am working or running jobs I will peruse ebay for things I don't need.  I just waste so much time of my stupid life doing this.   Every morning I check on websites like slickdeals or followsales what are the new deals. But I don't need this shit.

Ironically, I prefer a minimal aesthetic. I just can't seem to get there myself. 

How do I stop this stupid behavior?  Sometimes I feel like I work so I can buy more shit I don't need.  So depressing as I type this out and read it back to myself.

While I'm sure it will sound insane to you, have you considered trying project 333?   http://theproject333.com/

One the surface it may sound very restricting, like a diet, but I've found it to be life changing regarding how I view my clothing.   Keep in mind that you don't have to get rid of the items that you are using for the three months, just maybe pack them up and get them out of your main closet.   

Doing project 333 has really shown me the advantages of quality over quantity and how much of my life I was wasting on clothing, although I really look better now with less (including less time and money spent).   Also, you can tweak the system slightly once you realize what doesn't work for you.   For example, I actually keep out fewer than 33 items (more like 25) b/c after doing it I realized that that number works for me, but I switch them out more often than every 3 months (b/c I enjoy switching them out and our weather's not so steady).

Anyway, instead of seeing change as limiting like a diet, I'd recommend trying out different things (like The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up or project 333) to see if any of them actually improve your life and are enjoyable/freeing.   If they aren't, try something else.

cerebus

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I second the recommendation of The Power of Habit. It's a very insightful book for understanding the internal forces that compel us to behave against our own interests and beyond our volition. You need to work through the fundamental, chemical conditioning that you've built up that tells you that what you really need to be happy when you're stressed out is to treat yourself by doing some shopping.

swick

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This lifehacker post might help too, once you are faced with having to inventory and calculate what you have actually spent it might give you some more insights. http://lifehacker.com/how-to-program-your-mind-to-stop-buying-crap-you-don-t-1690268064

MayDay

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I used to buy too many kids clothes. It was easy to spend 100$ on a gymboree sale. Do it once a month (they release new lines constantly!) and pretty soon you've spent a lot. Plus other random sites like group on.

I found that just the simple step of deleting myself from all the email lists helped a ton. Out of sight, out of mind.

Seņora Savings

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I used to buy random craft supplies every day on the way home from work.  The reasons were I hated my job, wanted to be spending more time doing crafts and drove past several stores every day.  When I switched jobs to one with more reasonable hours, I had time to do the things that I wanted and I didn't drive past the stores anymore.  I also got into Mustasianism at the same time.  I guess my advice is look for some massive changes you can make that will improve your life and keep you away from shopping.  Maybe start biking everywhere, or making all of your own clothes (mostly a money saver because it slows you down).  Or spend a week minimalizing your home and immerse yourself in minimalist lituriture.

Villanelle

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For me, I feel the urge to wander to shopping websites when I'm bored.  I've made a list of other tasks, and when I feel my mind wandering toward shopping, I go to the list instead.  Read, fold laundry (which serves as a reminder that I've already got a damn lot of clothes), learn to play chess online (I find online distractions to be especially good since the shop urge often happens when I'm on my computer), learn 10 new Spanish words, go for a walk or hike, whatever works for you.

Consider a one in, one out policy.  It can make you much more selective about what you buy because you know you must then choose something you likely already love to get rid of.  Do you still want that new dress quite so much when it means getting rid of one of the dresses you already have?

Also, one thing I like about clothes shopping is the artistic expression.  I love thinking creatively about an item and how to style it.  So I have found other creative distractions.  Sometimes, that means going to my closet and trying to pull together some new outfits from existing items.  Sometimes it is creative writing.  Coloring books for adults are a big thing right now, so that might be another way to scratch the creative itch.  (Try to do it a bit more sensibly than the uber expensive coloring books that are best selling right now!).  Dance in your living room or get an adult hula hoop and find some tutorials online.  Whatever gets your creative juices going, if shopping is a somewhat creative or artistic endeavor for you, can be a good replacement.

Finally, if you have friends who are similar sizes, organize an clothing swap, and consider making it a semi-annual thing.  There are different ways to organize them, but they get rid of stuff you don't love anymore and inject some new items in to your wardrobe, for free. 

FIRE Artist

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You might try the book "the life changing magic of tidying up".

I listened to it over the weekend while renovating my spare bedroom into a home office.  I started out skeptical, but am now inspired and will spend the upcoming long weekend getting rid of the bulk of my clothing.  The author says to start with clothing.  Of course it helps that I have one freshly painted, pristine room in my house with nothing in it but a simple desk, chair and iMac, it makes the rest of my house seem like a chaotic shit storm so I definitly see the light of minimalism right now. 

Kris

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You mention your job and being bored/unfulfilled enough in your OP that I think it's worth pointing out you may be in part trying to fill a void with possessions (which we usually are when we buy things we don't need). You're buying clothes for an identity you don't have... Perhaps you need to look at what identity you want, and why?

Working from home can isolate you from the rest of the world and make you feel like you aren't as worthy of important as people who are out in the world interacting.  What would make you feel less that way? Changing up your work schedule so you go to work at the office sometimes?  Scheduling a regular activity during the week that breaks up the day?  When I was working at home, I had a regular noontime appointment with myself at my gym to go to classes.  It broke up my day, got me out of the house, I got to interact and make friends with people, and I got in better shape (so felt better about my body, hence less desire to find new clothes to cover up the parts I didn't like).

Just a thought.  Figuring out the emotional underpinnings of why you do this is key to finding solutions.

Mr Dorothy Dollar

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Since you are a mother and most mothers can empathize, at least with their child, picture the child labor used to make all the lovely little things that you get on sale. The sweatshops where the owners lock rooms and beat the children who want a break or don't make quota. The collapsed buildings with workers trapped inside because building standards do not exist.

I think if you see that cute T-shirt for $5 and think of the terrible cost that is tucked out of sight you might give pause to perpetuating the victimization of children. The T-shirt cost $5 and the loss of childhood innocence.

benjenn

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I hope you can find a way to convince yourself to stop.  Have you ever considered turning things around and using craigslist and ebay to SELL some of the clutter you've accumulated?  Maybe once you get going with that, it will take the place of buying more stuff.

I am finding that I'm just the opposite right now... we're retiring in July and moving to the beach.   We sold our house a couple of years ago and leased a fully-furnished condo knowing we'd be moving out of state when we retire -- so we sold all our furniture with the house.  We went from 2,500 sf to about half that much - so we had to get rid of a lot of stuff.  I even wrote a blog about it - http://downtowndownsizing.blogspot.com/.

Now that we're within 3 months of moving again, we keep going through things and giving stuff away.  I just donated all my winter work clothes this past weekend -- I won't need them at the beach!  I've given away jewelry and other "keepsakes" because I just don't want to be tied to stuff anymore.  It's incredibly liberating.

Best of luck to you in overcoming your shopping habit!  You can do it!

golden1

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I can relate to this post because this is a struggle for me at times. 

The real key to eliminating any bad habit, in my opinion, is that you need to replace it with something else.  You need to fill that time that you spent shopping with another activity, maybe reading or exercising or socializing.  I used to shop as an escape and a stress reliever so I try to do other things when I feel that urge.  I am not perfect, and I occasionally stumble, but for the most part it works.  I also agree with putting up barriers to shopping.  Delete all your shopping apps and links, make lists for when you are going to the grocery store, etc....

The_path_less_taken

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Arrrgh....I have been where you are, with clothes shopping anyway.

And I can tell you that for me, it was all about not being happy in other major parts of my life, and trying to scratch an itch I didn't know I had.

Boyfriend being a dick today? No problem: there's a silk blouse 40% off...look at all the money I <cringe> saved!

Boss something out of a Steven King novel? No problem: let me buy this lovely waffle iron that's half off. Because a few thousand more carbs will SURELY solve that issue? <not>

You mention that it is an addiction and truly, it is. There are various ways people deal with addictions but for starters, I agree with PJ: delete all of your accounts and cut up the credit cards.

TODAY. If the app is gone and the cc don't make it a quick impulsive thing with gives you that brain rush of chemicals that tell you "I feel good!", then you are much less likely to do it. For sure delete Paypal!

I wish I could tell you how to declutter but I'd be talking out of my ass: I have entirely too much shit here from when I used to be like you.  But I'm slowly getting rid of it.

It takes time. When I first started and would open ebay because I was bored, I'd shut the computer off and go water the garden, or walk the dogs, or brush my horses.

Because since it's a 'fun' biofeedback loop to your brain, you need to substitute it for something that gives you that same endorphin rush. So exercise helps.

But finding something you love to do and turning to that instead of bullshit is what worked for me.

Good luck!

We're all here for you.

shoppingcompulsion

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Thanks so much for all the very helpful feedback.  It helps to hear that I am not the only person dealing with this issue.  I will try and go back and provide some feedback to some of the responses when I have some more time later today.

A couple of things I have done today:

1) deleted shopping apps off phone
2) added a blocker to my google chrome at work to block shopping sites and redirect to my company website -should do it for IE as well but don't use as frequently
3) started unsubscribing from email promotions

I recently - as in last week joined a gym and have started exercising/taking classes.  I think this will help.

I wish I could resell these things on ebay/craigslist but I think it will just allow me to fall back into my bad habits.  I am going to try and head out to the consignment store again today and drop some non-consignment worthy items at goodwill.

I need to read the books folks mentioned - I can get the Kondo book from my mom.  She purchased it.  She is frustrated by my stupidity but doesn't really know how to help.

Things I can focus on instead:
1) Fix things around my house - need a new sink, need to paint rooms, organize all of the closets, etc
2) Get my violin fixed and start playing again
3) Invite people over for parties
4) Come up with some fun developmentally appropriate games for my daughter
5) Come up with a better strategy and understanding of when and how I can retire early
6) Learn to cook Thai food

I think it may be beneficial to setup a journal to work through these issues.  May also look at seeking out a therapist. 

smalllife

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I'd try a Professional Organizer (NAPO Certified) that has a specialization on the emotional side of connections.

I also find this article to be very useful in pinpointing the "personality type" of your clutter - knowing what you are facing is half the battle!

http://minimalistpackrat.com/2010/10/31/10-clutter-personality-types/

2ndTimer

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I would strongly encourage you to set up a journal here.  People in the journal section are working through all sorts of issues while keeping mustachianism as their life philosophy.  I bet you will find folks their with similar problems and learn a lot by sharing with them.

AlwaysBeenASaver

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Great suggestions above. You could also consider cancelling your accounts on those sites and putting an "exception" in your firewall so you can't even get to those sites that support your addiction.

begood

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I made my bookmarks toolbar all things that have nothing to do with shopping - I took off Zappos and Amazon, for example, and replaced them with the MMM and Boglehead forums.

A friend wrote that her new year's resolution was to get off ALL promo e-mail lists. I remember thinking that was a GREAT idea, since I do still tend to look for coupons/free shipping, and I think it's too easy to let the company drive the purchase rather than a specific need at a specific time.

snogirl

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I was a compulsive shopper. 
A year ago last May, my house was packed & I had no idea where my $$ was going.
Oh yeah, also had no savings or lots of debt (25k). 
A huge face punch from what I read here!!

But I was willing to become honest, open and willing to change.

I talked with trusted friends who encouraged me to do the 31 day minimalist challenge (minimalist.com).
Starting May 1st 2014, I got rid of one thing (Comcast).
May 2nd, 2 things, May 3rd, 3 things etc. all through the month.
My friends did it with me so we took pictures & shared them with each other.
Well after May 31st, I was sooo enthusiastic, it just gained momentum & didn't stop.
I sold, donated, recycled, tossed over 75% of my belongings.
Every single item in my house, garage, basement I touched in the course of year and asked the same question.
Does this (fill in the blank) add value to my life?

Along with the minimalist challenge, I also refrained from spending any money (other than basic bills) for that month of May.
I started reading MMM, Project 333, The Minimalist Blog (Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus).
My behaviors slowly began shifting due to practicing the ideas and suggestions from these sites.

I can honestly say today after my one year anniversary, I am a totally different person.
My house is clutter free to the point I can downsize!
I also paid off 24k of my 25k debt in one year from just changing my spending habits & keeping only what I valued.
I feel better about myself.
My life today is simple and full of opportunity due to just being willingly to make a change one day at a time.
I really am so grateful for the blogs here at MMM and those Minimalist dudes, Joshua & Ryan.
Not to mentioned the people who come & share on the forums.
So if I can do it, you can too!
good luck :) judy




swick

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4) Come up with some fun developmentally appropriate games for my daughter

If you would like some help/someone to bounce ideas off of, send me a PM :)

midweststache

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1. The one in, one out rule was a game changer for me. What would the purchase be replacing? It also warded off gifts from Mom or hand-me-downs from my sister.
2. The 20%/80% rule helped me further cull my closet (you only wear 20% of your clothes 80% of the time).
3. Making a decision to shop more ethically promoted conscious shopping. No more H&M, Zara, Forever 21 etc. Look for longer-lasting, preferably ethically-source items, even if they're more expensive.
4. Repair. Do you have pieces you love? Spend the money to get them re-soled, hemmed, let out, etc. rather than buying a replacement.

I second everyone else's suggestions about deleting apps and websites. If you need it once you see it, you don't need it. For instance, for two years I'd been consciously looking for a LBD - A-line, crew neck, wash at home, dress up or dress down, weekend and work attire. After two years, I gave up intently looking. So when I finally stumbled onto the dress in BR, I bought it without hesitation, recognizing this was an item I wanted not because I saw it, but because I recognized a hole in my wardrobe and wasn't willing to sacrifice for something "just OK." Email ads, browsing in stores, etc. are terrible about this, because when we see a good deal, we have to jump on it (but will it be part of your 20%/80%?)

Finally, deals. Because 80-90% off is awesome! But the best deal is not spending anything. 100% discount!

Find something else you love (for me, it's cookies). Until you break the habit, reward yourself with a cookie (insert your non-clothing weakness here) until you break the habit. Then, reward yourself with a cookie for every item you sell/donate without replacing, until you achieve a wardrobe that reflects your desires and your lifestyle. It doesn't HAVE to be Project 333 level, but if you want to shoot for that go for it!

Breaking habits is hard, but it can be done. Good luck!

partgypsy

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OK, well you can't do anything about your past behavior. Deal with the excess the best way you can, via selling, giving away (to friends or goodwill) etc, anything except that will give you an excuse to shop more.

Second, set a budget. I have a personal budget I can spend each month. I don't know what yours is, but it should be less than 417 a month! Maybe 50, maybe 75? Once you hit your your budget for spending, stop shopping. Sure bookmark, whatever the thing is you like, but you can't buy it until the following month, and only if in your budget. Doesn't matter how nice or pretty or once in a lifetime it is, you can't buy it.

asauer

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I used to be the same.  Here's what I recommend:
1. Read these two books: The Life Changing Magic of Tidying up; The Power of Habit
- both will give you a serious wake up call AND give you tools to change your behavior
2. What to do today: delete all shopping/ browsing apps from phone, find another route to your routine places (work/grocery) so that you pass as few of your tempting stores as possible, unsubscribe to any and all shopping and lifestyle emails/ magazines; get rid of cable if you haven't already.  I've found it MUCH easier to avoid shopping if I don't have constant reminders and temptation.
3.  Focus on what will really make you happy- actually make a list.  I'm going to bet clothes and shopping are WAY down there.



merula

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Great job identifying the problem and making progress to solutions. Here are some other things you might consider:

-If you can't delete your accounts with the places you shop, and you still find yourself going to them, change your passwords to "Idontwant2shop" or something similar. Having to type a reminder of your goal has helped me with other habits.

-Regarding selling on consignment versus donating, I'd start with asking yourself whether the value of getting the Stuff out of your life outweighs getting any benefit (tax, consignment revenue) from it. If that's true, load everything up, bring it for donation, don't take a receipt and just move on. If you can bear to do more work with the Stuff to get some value out of it, then weigh the work of selling on consignment against the work of documenting the donation for taxes. (Also remember that if you're currently taking the standard deduction and the level of your donation won't push you out of that level, you're not going to really get any tax benefit from the donation.)

-Try Unroll.Me or Mailstrom or another service to help you unsubscribe to your emails.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!