My wife died on Monday.

[tkaraszewski]

I lost my wife to cancer on Monday morning, leaving me a 31-year-old single father of a 17-month-old girl. This leaves me with a lot of questions about a lot of things, but as I'm bringing it up on a finance site, I mostly want to talk about the practical implications.

I've already hired a nanny, which is really expensive but she's great with my daughter and also helps with things like cleaning the house and running errands. This is costing me about $20,000/year and will probably stay that way until my daughter is old enough to start school.

I think I should sell my house. It's a big, 2400 sq ft, 4 bedroom house in the country, which we'd planned to house a family of four or five. It's too big and remote for a family of two with on.y one driver. I want to move to a townhouse or small single family home in town. Hopefully I could get out of my $527k mortgage and into one that's more like $350k, which would leave a lot more room for child care expenses.

I'm going to sell my wife's car, I think. It's a 2012 Subaru Outback with only 13k miles on it, so it should be worth at least $22k or so. I can sell it, pay the $13,000 funeral bill, and have $9k left over to buy a decent used car to replace it (the Subaru is paid for, not financed).

I think maybe this will be common around here, but planning for these practical things helps me deal with the loss. Knowing how to get back on my feet, at least materially, makes me feel a little more secure.

I do have to say I'm a bit nervous about selling the house, not because I'm particularly attached to it or anything, but because I'm afraid it won't sell quickly. The market for homes in the country seems to move much more slowly than in town. And I've never sold a home before, only bought one, so I don't know what to expect. I'll probably rent someplace for a little while while I make sure everything is in order and look for a new place to buy.

Part of this post is just me wanting to be able to talk about to stuff, I'll admit that. I'm not specifically seeking advice, but I don't mind getting some. I still don't know how everything will work in this situation. I want hospice to come get their equipment out of my house so I can clean up and get rid of all the cancer paraphernalia.

[GuitarStv]

That's a very tough situation.

Don't make big life changes yet.  Find some friends and family, and give yourself time to grieve.  Even if you feel fine, this kind of thing messes you up in ways that you won't be able to see, and your decision making might be a little out of whack.  Best wishes, and best of luck.

[arebelspy]

I'm so sorry.  My thoughts are with you and your little girl.  If you need someone to talk to, free free to PM me or call me anytime: 302-566-5766

[adam]

Very sorry to hear that.  Its too easy to put myself in your shoes and it terrifies me (same relative age, planning on having a baby soon)

:(

[Stacey]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.  I have no advice to give - but feel free to talk out your thoughts on here as much as you need.  That alone can have therapeutic value.  You are in my thoughts...

[strider3700]

Sorry for you loss,

That's a big house and it sounds like the location doesn't work for you so moving isn't a bad choice.  I've sold 1 house and tried to sell another.   It's a real pain in the ass especially with a kid or two constantly messing the place up getting things ready for showings can be difficult.  The first time it took 3 months on the market,  off for two months over christmas  then another 3 months before we sold.  The second one was 6 straight months with no offers.  The market sucks here at the moment.

For the cars the subaru is paid for and basically brand new.  You'll likely take a big hit over what you paid for it.    What is the other car? Is there another car?  Would it be a better idea to keep the subaru and sell the other?

You didn't mention your income but $20k/year for a nanny is a lot of money.   I did the stay at home dad thing for a couple of years and the cooking/cleaning/watching the kids is actually pretty easy.When they hit about 2 years old they just want to help  so put her to work.  My youngest takes laundry from the hallway to the hamper downstairs on cleaning days... ramp up from there.    If you need to work then look into daycare costs and compare it to the nanny. Daycare here isn't cheap but now that I'm back at work I'm getting away with $800/month for my youngest.

[reverend]

Did she have life insurance or something that pays out?
Scrub the house, put it on the market while you live in it. Keep it clean and ready to show.
Sell the Subie quick, and you might want to keep some cash handy for eventualities (moving, renting something else, cover a mortgage or something), if you can move to walking-distance of your work, then you're closer to care for your baby and don't have to drive at all.

My thinking is that you want to make sure that you're not going to drown in bills or whatnot when ou already have a lot on your mind. Let things be on autopilot for a while.  Then you can start sorting out where you want to live and work and move on. You just don't want to add pecuniary issues to compound a depression.

Pull back and regroup, as it were.

[icefr]

I am so sorry for your and your little girl's loss. I would try to not move out of the house for at least 6-12 months, to keep things more familiar for your little girl. The nanny sounds like a huge help.

[Phoebe]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can't even imagine how devastating this must be.  My thoughts are prayers are with you and your family.

Phoebe

[shadowmoss]

Just want to say I'm sorry for your loss.  I do know that I also like to plan out what I can when I feel other things are out of my control.  Take advantage of this burst of energy, but don't make any huge changes for a few month, at least that is what mainstream advice says.  Whatever you do, it will work out.

[mustachecat]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I have no idea what the going rates are for nannies, but if you decide to keep your current house for a while or have the space in a new one, would it be cheaper to hire a in-live nanny/au pair, with part of their compensation in the form of food and lodging?

As a non-parent, I also have no idea how aware your daughter is of things, but I don't think a move would be super disruptive. I have a family member who died and left behind a one-year-old son. There were suddenly lots of changes in his life (like where he lived and his new caretakers), but honestly, I'm not sure if they really registered with him.

Please be kind to yourself. I think planning ahead is smart and can help you focus on something concrete, but if you have the wherewithal to sit tight and let things settle, do that.

[twinge]

My condolences to you and your daughter. I am so very sorry.

 Many people find it helped to work through their grief by focusing on practicalities.  I think this is a particularly useful approach when you are trying to parent at the same time as it helps keep you more in the present moment. 

My advice would be to reach out to your friends, family and acquaintances to help you with these practicalities more than you would usually or even more than you think you need. There may be even casual friends and co-workers who deeply want to help.  Helping and being helped at times like these cement friendship bonds and it will be a huge value for your daughter (and you) to have many adults who love her in her life.  Ask for help to prepare your house to show, to accompany you and your daughter if you're looking at places, to watch your daughter while you sell your car.  I don't think any of the changes you are thinking about are too disruptive either. They strike me as sensible.  If possible, don't rely entirely on the one nanny for all the help because it seems easiest because this is also a way for friends to connect with your daughter and you.  Just picture any casual acquaintance or friend of yours in your situation and how much you would want to help. It's generous to let them and doing something concrete and practical together opens up the ability to feel supported even when you don't feel like talking about your grief.
 I think the expense of the nanny is very worth it at this point in time.  I would expect your daughter to become quite attached to her since that normally happens with a nanny, but more so in her situation.  So, if possible, create a relationship with the nanny so she will be there for the long haul--talk to her about this and treat it like a long-term relationship.  If that's doesn't seem possible, you might consider once your daughter is 2 and a half or so  finding a good preschool/daycare situation where it's less focused on a relationship with a particular person but rather a place, a few good teachers, a group of friends, etc. that feel secure.

My thoughts are with your family. 

[WhatMomWears]

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

I'm thinking of your daughter, don't make any large or sudden changes. She's had a huge one already and suddenly moving home will be two major upheavals. A nanny is a fabulous idea and 20k for your daughter's well-being and happiness is not too much to pay. Having a single person who she can count on and who will be there for her is the best thing possible. You don't want to be putting her into day care with strangers, she's already been through enough that she can't process.

Accept help from friends and family, ask for help when you need it. You don't have to always be strong.

[SunshineGirl]

Please accept my sympathies for your loss.

As far as making financial decisions, I think this is a good place to get some advice, but we don't know your financial situation, so until & unless we do, it might not be the best advice. What your income, savings, expenses are would be helpful. If you can swing it financially, the best solution might be to "do nothing" for 6-12 months and use the time to adjust to your new reality.

It didn't sound from your post that you're in a severe financial crunch - if you are, that's a different matter in terms of selling the house/car quickly. But if you're okay financially, take a little time and see what your life looks like in a few months in terms of your routines. 

[tkaraszewski]

To address some of the things people said, the nanny actually is also getting a room in my house (it used to be my office) as part of her pay. I'd be paying her even more if she wasn't living here, but then I'd have less flexibility on hours and overtime and things as well. I have definitely considered day care, and may do that in the future, but for now it's impractical in a lot of ways. Because I live in the country, the absolute shortest time it would take to drive her to daycare in the morning is about 15 minutes, maybe more. Once you factor in the trip back home (I work from home) and the afternoon trip to pick her up, I'm spending at least an hour a day just picking her up, not to mention the extras I'd lose that the nanny is currently providing, like cleaning and grocery shopping. I'm goi to keep her at least until I move or my daughter starts school.

One thing that's strange about this whole situation is how little my daughter has reacted to the loss of her mother. As her mother's health failed, she relied more and more on me and her new nanny as caregivers, and now that her mother's gone, she barely seems to have noticed. She still recognizes er in photos, there's a picture from our wedding on the wall, and she will poi at it and say "mama", but doesn't seem to bothered by the fact that she's not here, maybe because she's still so young. I really don't think at moving would be too traumatic for her in this light.

That said, I'm not going to go and do anything rash like listing the house tomorrow or anything, but I am going to start doing some work to get in it showable shape. There's some cleaning and maintenance to do. I'm actually patching and painting some little holes in the walls this morning. I want to fix up the yard a bit. I plan to have it in good shape should I want to lost maybe around May. It's is pretty win-win, because even if I keep the house, I benefit from it looki nicer. If I've changed my mind by then, I can keep it, but honestly, I had considered this even before my wife got sick, and now there's only more reason to sell it.

That's what I do when things get difficult, I patch holes and plant seeds.

I'm not in financially dire straits, but I'm a lot more constrained than I was before. I am still a beginner mustachian, and while I have no debts other than the house, my savings rate has been forced down to something like 5% with the nanny, and my reserves are pretty low outside of a modest IRA. I want to fix this so that I have more like 33% of my income free to save/invest/use for whatever.

Oh, and besides the Subaru I have a leased (I'll never lease a car again) Chevy Volt, so I'm essentially unable to get rid of that for about 18 months. When the lease is up, that car will go too.

[Honest Abe]

So sorry for your loss.. good luck and God bless.

[Christiana]

Depending on your wife's work history, you and your daughter may be eligible for some Social Security survivor benefits. 

[Daley]

My condolences on your loss, it sounds like you're doing well to handle it as you are. As important as grieving is, so to is returning to normalcy.

In regard to your leased car and the Subaru: it might be better to check the lease paperwork, see if it can be transferred, and get rid of the Volt instead on the short term... then sell off the Subaru and trade-down for an older, more efficient vehicle. Better to own than owe, and might let you come out ahead in the greater scheme.

http://www.moneytalksnews.com/2010/08/04/how-to-get-out-of-a-car-lease/

[Ozstache]

I too am sorry for your loss. As others have already suggested, and you seem to be taking on board, don't make any major changes to your life too soon after this tragic event. By all means, get some ideas, but you need to look after yours and your daughter's well being first. Take care!

[prosaic]

I am so sorry for your loss. I'd hang on to the nanny for as long as it feel right, for the flexibility and the bonding your daughter has with her. 17 months is very young, so her reaction to her mother's death is perfectly normal, as is her bonding with other caregivers as your wife's health declined. That's a *good* sign of your daughter's emotional health, as she sought out love and comfort from other people to make a secure relationship, and bodes well for her emotional health in the long term.

Another positive with the nanny is that you're unexpectedly a single father, have to deal with all the issues related to your wife's death, and you just will need time and space to grieve. Use whatever time you can get from having child care to strengthen yourself; in the long run this will be so beneficial for you and your daughter.

[savingtofreedom]

I am so sorry about your loss. 

[maryofdoom]

I don't have anything practical to offer, but I am very sorry for your loss.

[badassprof]

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[Togoshiman]

I hope you can find time and space to grieve for yourself, and to get the support you need for your daughter.  You're unfortunately living many people's worst fears. 

It's difficult to give a rational answer to the financial aspect of your situation given how significant it is for you and your daughter in every other way.  If it were me, however, my goal would be to simply get through limiting the financial damage.  I would do whatever I could to set up support systems for both of you - family, friends, counselling, time off work (when you're ready, which will probably not be for a while).  I honestly would change as little as possible in my life otherwise in the face of such an enormous change you are already enduring.  Even in strictly the financial sense, you don't know yet how you and your daughter's needs will evolve over the coming months and even years as you both deal with this.  If you can just tread water financially for, say, a calendar year, perhaps then you will be able to asses whether selling your house or other drastic financial measures are warranted.  If you do decide to move forward with such changes, I would personally try to create a wide gap between income and expenses in order to give myself as much of a cushion as possible.  If things get rough, all things being equal, it will be best to have more resources.

It gets me close to tears myself, but I would honestly make sure my daughter was tucked into her own bed every night for a good long while before anything else was changed.

Wishing you strength.

[Rachelocity]

I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Conventional wisdom says not to make any major decisions in the first year, and this is one case in which I'd agree. 

My mother passed away a year and a half ago, and I was the co-executor of her estate.  My coping mechanism was to bury myself in efficiency and get everything done ASAP, which in retrospect didn't help me very much.  I got a major case of battle fatigue from having been her caretaker through her final illness and then having the pressures of executorship and so on.  My best advice:  Give yourself time to feel your feelings, to go through the phases of grieving and then you can start decision-making about moving, etc. 

Gentle hugs to you and your daughter. 

[mustache brony]

I sympathize for the passing of your wife and the major upheaval that must create in your life.

I think your plans make sense, although like some other users I will caution you against major decisions immediately afterwards. Specifically, I think your plan for the car is fine, but I’d recommend against buying another house / condo / living location right away. You may want to rent a location in the city of choice, just to get an idea of what neighborhood you want. Take some time; learn about where you would be living, research schools and the like. Moving into another long term mortgage only constrains your ability to get out of bad choices.

[secondcor521]

My sincere condolences.

I concur with the other advice not to move too quickly.  What "too quickly" means, though, is really up to you to decide.  If your wife's illness was lengthy, then you've likely already processed a lot of the thought and emotions surrounding the decisions you're making.  If it was more sudden, I'd suggest being more cautious on the timing.

You asked for financial suggestions, I can only think of a few:  make sure you file for any life insurance benefits on your wife.  If she worked outside the home, she may have had some basic benefit through her job.  On your income taxes this year, I believe you can still list yourself as married this year and still claim her as an exemption.

On the non-financial front:  As a guy, you're probably holding up now for your daughter and that's just the way we are as guys.  Be aware that after some time passes (maybe even a year or two), you may "fall apart" for a while.  If you have some close friends that offer to help out, I would consider accepting help now from your less close friends (it's common to think that right after the crisis is the main time people need help) and then leaning on your close friends later.

Also, tuck this in your mind for later:  I would give yourself at least a year, if not more, before you consider dating.  I really think it is best to grieve for your wife and heal from that first before bringing anyone else in the picture, especially with a young child who is relying on you and who will be affected by the decisions you make.

2Cor521

[Mrs MM]

Hi Tyler,

I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I had read about your wife's fight with cancer and found myself speechless. Having to plan for something like that is unimaginable. And, on the other side, it's hard to know what to say, as "I'm sorry for your loss" doesn't seem like enough.

It sounds like you've been thinking about these things for a while and will figure out what needs to be done with time.  Renting in the city for starters seems like a good idea.  And, if your house will take a long time to sell, then putting it on the market early might be wise - Spring and Summer are usually a good time to sell anyway.

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

[Worsted Skeins]

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss.  Big hugs to your little girl at this most difficult time.

[kmm]

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband three years ago when my child was two, so I can relate to what you are going through. It is a very difficult time and I hope you have lots of support in real life. It sounds like you are in the "numb" stage right now. Focusing on the practical helped me cope as well.

I did want to mention (didn't see it referenced, sorry if I missed) that if your wife worked then you are eligible to collect Social Security benefits on your daughter's behalf. This benefit is not means tested so it does not matter what you earn. It has helped me tremendously in the years since my husband died.

All the best to you, and feel free to PM me if further perspective from one who's been there is helpful.

[happy]

As a stranger on the internet across the other side of the world, I feel a bit weird writing this, but I too add my sympathies and condolences, and hope that you and you daughter are supported within your circle of family and friends.

Speaking from experience, being a single parent is tough and at times overwhelming but it is survivable. Time and energy are the most valuable resources that inevitably will be in short supply. You can minimise this by using your good brain and figure out how to make 1 activity derive at least 2 purposes. e.g. when my children were doing swimming lessons, I swam also for fitness and stress management. (Most parents sat by the side of the pool and watch/doze/read a book.).  Frugality and mustachianism will be your friend, but there are times when you will have to pay for convenience to survive - accept this, you can't run your family the same as 2 parent families. Looking back if I did anything differently it would be that I wish I had taken more time out for myself to recharge..the kids and I would have been better off  if I had been less stressed.  I lacked insight into this because I was too busy keeping everything going.....

Maybe not this week, but when you have a chance try to network with some other single dads:  I found getting advice and sharing experiences with other single parents invaluable.

[c]

I am sorry for your loss, that's a lot to go through.

I was going to suggest a live-in nanny, but I see you posted further down that that's the situation you've set up. It just seems practical to me.

On a more personal level, I found the immediate aftermath easier to get through as there's so much to do. It's once everything is over a few months down the line that I found things hard. Look after yourself now and do what feels right for you.

[Richard3]

Well, that's a pretty crappy situation you find yourself in. My condolences.

I'd like to echo whoever said you should let other people help you. It will be good in practical terms (getting a meal cooked, or some extra daughter watching, or whatever) but also emotionally. It will remind you that there are people who want to help you through this (and it will allow friends and family to feel useful and needed, which is good).

I also agree that you shouldn't make any major changes for a little while yet. Do the house up, see what things are actually like during that time, then decide.

Good luck.

[AtlantaBob]

As an unmarried guy about the same age, I just wanted to add to the condolences. I feel for you, your daughter, and the life that you'll never get to experience with the woman that you loved.

As the others have said, conventional wisdom suggests that you shouldn't move while your daughter is coming-to-terms with things, although I think that at 17 months old, she might not feel the impact as much as an 8 or 10-year old. (Obviously, take my suggestions with a grain of sand, since I have no children of my own.)

I just wanted to let you know that there's another person out there whose life has been touched with cancer, and who feels for you and your daughter. The only positive that I can throw out there is that you seem to be part of a community--here, at least--with a lot of supportive people. Hope that we can provide some support throughout the times to come.

[jdoolin]

That's just not fair.  I mean, I'm not lying when I say I'm fighting back tears as I type this (and not really succeeding).

My heart aches for you, and I hope you're finding some support and comfort here on the MMM forum.  There are some good folk here.

[tkaraszewski]

Thanks everyone for the support and condolences (especially kmm). I appreciate them. I also fully understand the reason behind waiting to make any big decisions -- because when your judgement is impaired, you're likely not to realize that your judgement is impaired. Believe me, I'm not rushing into any decisions on the house right away, but I am considering certain options carefully. And the other "big things" that I'm not going to rush into changing are dating (someone mentioned it, and I know that might seem taboo, but really it's a fair subject as it eventually crosses everyone's mind) and my job. While I feel like I'm still young and in all likelihood I will eventually be married again and probably have more kids one day, I have zero interest in dating at all at the moment. Right now I'm going to focus on getting my life and my daughter's into a situation that I find stable and comfortable. And my job, they've been great through this whole thing, and I have no intention of changing anything there in the near future. I don't even really view selling the car as a big enough thing to warrant this sort of consideration.

The last few days, I find myself doing things like getting out my phone to text my wife to tell her when I'll be home, only to realize that there's nobody there. These things are hard, and I don't know what to do about them or when they'll start to fade. I make these financial plans partly just because I can see real progress there, and I know I'm getting somewhere, accomplishing something. I think it's the same reason I was patching holes in the walls today.

Also, in case anyone feels like looking through it, I'm attaching a link to my budget. This is sort of preliminary. Not everything has been updated to reflect my current situation, and I've only been working on it for about a month, so some categories aren't really filled in yet. Things not listed in the budget are my assets: house worth approx. $600k, IRA worth about $60k, 2012 Subaru Outback, $8500 cash. And liabilities: $527k mortgage, $4k medical bills, $13k funeral bills. Like I said earlier, in a Mustachian sense, this is pretty "beginner" status, but it's probably significantly better than average across the US population as a whole.

Budget Link

[Purple]

Your daughter is so lucky to have you. You are already thinking about her (and your) sense of security, and that is the mark of a wise man I believe.

Do you have extended family around to help you? If not, if at all possible, see if you can gradually build a core group of two or three trusted people who you can support your daughter over the long term. Basically as an intentional social capital strategy.

I imagine many people around you would really want to help your family and if you select a couple of folks who's help you accept (with a long term view in mind), you will help yourself and your daughter immeasurably. In particular, this means your daughter will have other places to go as she grows up where she feels comfortable - and you will have a broader support base. I'm thinking you strategically put in place a couple of loving Aunties (or uncles) to insure against whatever the future holds.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[martynthewolf]

I read this thread at about 8:00am GMT and have only just managed to get some words together (1:35pm GMT), without almost tearing up. This thread is touching in many ways. This is truly a community of great people.

I can't offer any words of advice financially. All I want to say is you sound like a good man, your daughter is lucky to have a father like you. Keep strong and don't be afraid to rely on your close friends and family, they are what will help you through this difficult emotional time.

I wish you all the best.

[forward]

Tyler,

I am very sorry for you and your families loss.

You are going through one of the hardest things you will ever have to deal with.  Listen to those around you because they care and want you to thrive.  You have been struggling with this for some time and the struggle will change but it will still be there for some time to come.  Unless there are things about the house or other changes that are particularly damaging either psychologically or financially don't make too many changes too quickly.  You have already have had a major change that is out of your control.  Pick your battles, take care of yourself and your daughter.  Financially, if you can avoid going backwards for the next year or so you have won most of the battle.  Once things have stabilized you can keenly focus really building your stache. 

This community is wonderful, use them.

This is also a very good idea: [Do you have extended family around to help you? If not, if at all possible, see if you can gradually build a core group of two or three trusted people who you can support your daughter over the long term. Basically as an intentional social capital strategy.]

[Self-employed-swami]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

We lost our Mom 5 years ago, so we weren't 'little' girls at all, but it is still hard sometimes.  It was hard on my Dad as well, but the types of concerns he had, were obviously different, as both my sister and I were (young) adults at the time.  It took him a few years to re-establish a sense of normalcy for himself.  He found that continuing in activities (like his baseball and billiards leagues) as well as returning to work a few weeks after her death, helped give him a reason to get up every morning.

A very good friend of mine lost her Mom when she was 4.  She grew up being close with a few aunts, and she even lived with one of them for a few years in junior high, and for a bit right after her Mom's death, so her Dad could have some time.

There are quite a few widowers forums, based on my quick google search.  Since most of us have never been in your situation, perhaps a visit to a more specialized forum, might be of benefit to you, in addition to MMM.

Best of luck with everything. 

[kmm]

Your mention of your phone brought tears to my eyes - I did that as well, for several months. Everybody grieves differently so I'm not sure how helpful one person's experience is to hear, but for me I was numb for awhile, then the grief hit really hard, and then, after a period of mourning I started to feel at peace. I am three years out now, and can honestly say that while we miss my husband still and always will, we are happy. Our primary emotion is gratitude for having had him in our lives, not sadness over his loss. My son is a thriving and joyful child. You will have periods of railing against how unfair it is that your daughter doesn't have her other parent, but you'll find out that one very loving and involved parent - which you clearly are - can be enough. And as you say, at some point when you are at a different place in your life, you can grow and change your family dynamic.

You sound similar to me in that you really need to be doing something useful now, so I'll close with a few financial changes that I made in the year after my husband died that I found beneficial: created a will/trust that specified my son as my beneficiary and named his guardians, opened a 529 plan, and really bulked up my emergency fund and my retirement savings. These things are good to have for anyone, but especially important for a single parent.

[giggles]

Deeply sorry for your loss.

Feel free to PM me if you are in the USA and need help navigating the Social Security benefits system.  You are potentially eligible for a $255 1 time payment, as well as ongoing benefis for your child. 

[SMMcP]

I'm so very sorry to hear of the loss of your wife and your child's mother.

34 years ago, when I was 27, my husband died of cancer.  My son was 11 months old.  I only mention this because I want you to know that the pain lessens with time and eventually you will be able to remember her with love and joy for the time you had together and without so much hurt.  Having a child to focus on, love and care for was a great help to me and I can see that it will be for you also.  Remember to take care of yourself too and accept the love and support of family and friends.  I wish you all the best.

[darkelenchus]

My condolences to you and your family.

You seem to have a good long term plan re: your living arrangement. Here are some ideas for things that you could do/try in the short-term to reduce expenses. I list them in order of potential savings:

• Call up the dealership and ask if you could renegotiate your lease. It's quite possible they'll be understanding of your situation and give you at least a more affordable deal. Also, see if someone you know might assume the lease.
• See if you can renegotiate your cell-phone contract. If you can't renegotiate, it may be worthwhile to pay fees to cancel early. Do you need a cell-phone? If so, take a look at IP's Cellphone Superguide for ideas on reducing costs. If not, a VOIP system like Ooma would eliminate this expense long-term.
• Sell the Subaru. If you can get out of the Volt lease, pick up a more fuel-efficient car instead. (I see a truck listed in the budget. Can this be sold as well?)
• Michael Bluejay has a great resource on reducing electricity costs. I bet you could cut this expense by at least half.
• Grocery costs vary from region to region and you may have already taken steps to reduce this cost to the point that greater effort will yield diminishing returns. If not, consider making a game of spending, say, $50 or less per week on groceries. Buy in bulk, buy generic, and coupon.
  

Doing these could make quite a difference For a speculative estimate of what your expenses might look like after savings measures have been taken, take a look at the attachment. I hope this helps. Hang in there.

[JanMN]

Tyler - I'm so sorry to hear about your wife.  Someone once told me that the pain doesn't necessarily go away, but it becomes more tolerable with time... I found that true in my own life and oddly comforting somehow.  You are getting lots of good advice, so I don't have much to add - just know that you have many people here who care.

[tooqk4u22]

Deeply sorry for your loss.... - you'll never understand a person until you walk a mile their shoes.....since I have not, I don't pretend to know, but others have, such as KMM, and while each circumstance is different it can be very helpful. 

I can't imagine and thus can't offer much more than others have said.  The best advice seems to be don't move to fast and lean on your family, social, community groups, etc.

Your mention of your phone brought tears to my eyes.....

Me too, which is outside of my typical manly or stoic personality - but just the thought of this little stuff not being there after so many years together hit me.

Our primary emotion is gratitude for having had him in our lives, not sadness over his loss.

This is a terrific perspective to try to attain, it may be difficult at first but this is what you should strive for.

[needmyfi]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I wish for your sake that I could say something more.  I hope you find all the help and support you need, both now and through the years to come. 

[tkaraszewski]

Today I painted her room. Well, it was her sewing room, but became an infirmary when she got too sick to go upstairs to our bedroom. Next it will be an office, where I'll work for as long as I have the house. I hadn't intended to paint it, but I noticed some chips and scuffs and things when I was starting to move furniture around in there, and couldn't find any touch up paint, so I thought I'd start fresh. Now it's a shade liger than before.

I spent $81 on paint and supplies, and painted it myself. Mustachian?

[arebelspy]

Mustachian?

I think so, yes, but I also think it's not a question you need to focus on too much right now.  Of course that doesn't mean go blow money for no reason, but your priority is getting yourself right, and your daughter.  If it was something you needed to do, great.  Even if that meant paying a painter to do it.

I'm glad to see you're - somehow - beginning to cope, and trying to do some task each day.  I can't imagine how you're feeling.

[Another Reader]

I found when my father died it was a great help to get the hospital bed and hospice supplies out of the house ASAP.  I hired someone to help me go through everything and pack up what was being kept or donated, as I was still working and commuting.  I had touch up painting done and the carpets cleaned or replaced.  All this helped me detach from the property, which I ultimately rented out.