Mustachian wedding/marriage

[GreenSheep]

My fiance and I are both frugal, and neither of us is interested in a fairy tale wedding. We're interested in the marriage -- the life we'll spend together -- not the show. We do want to do something to commemorate the occasion, and maybe involve our parents and a very small handful (like, less than 10) of very close friends. Just going down to the courthouse and signing some paperwork seems depressing. We want to keep it relatively casual (no torn jean shorts, but no new/fancy clothes, either) without being tacky. Have any of you done this or attended such an event? Any suggestions?

Also, any suggestions on pre-nuptial agreements? We both have good incomes, but mine is about 3 times his, and I have significant savings, whereas he has almost none (due to student loans, a home purchase, and only recently becoming interested in saving). We're in agreement on the idea of having something in writing, but we're not sure how to make it happen or what it should say, specifically. I'm not asking for a word-for-word document, just some thoughts on what should be included, or not, and how to find an attorney to write it up for us without charging an arm and a leg. Thanks for any help!

[redbird]

How about a cookout or potluck sort of event at someone's house? That would be quite cheap and perfect for that small size you want to have it at.

No idea on the pre-nup thing. We didn't feel the need to do one, so no experience in that.

[CoderNate]

We had a small ceremony in our apartment at the time with a few (~15) friends and family. We got cake and catering from the local grocery store. Total cost was around 1k including hiring the officiant.

[Kaminoge]

I think our wedding would have fit your requests perfectly!

We hired a local park ($37) - I actually just wanted to turn up and use it for free but my (now) husband thought it was worth the money just to make sure there were no hassles on the day.

The wedding was tiny (9 people including us) and everyone played a role (the teacher in me wanted to make everyone feel included) e.g. a reading, holding the rings etc. My dad married us. After the ceremony and photos (done for free by one of the guests - we gave him a $100 gift card as a thank you later) we all headed back to my husband's parents where we ate Chipotle (my favorite food). We'd ordered it online beforehand (everyone got exactly what they wanted that way).

The splurges were:
1. Paying some random guy off Craigslist $40 to go pick up the Chipotle... they need to start delivering!
2. $50 for a vegan wedding cake
3. My parents and aunt flying to the US from Australia. If I'd been sensible enough to fall in love with someone from the same country this could have been avoided.

Clothes wise I wore a dress I picked up for $12 (so not a wedding dress but it was ivory and pretty and went straight to goodwill when I was done because I'd never wear that color again), he did wear a suit which was tailor made (but in Thailand so cheap) but he didn't own a suit and we figured it was a handy thing to have. All of our guests wore nice clothes but no-one shopped for the occasion.

The day was perfect for us and I still smile every time I think about it. It could have worked just as well with a few more people but due to the complications of an intercontinental wedding we chose to invite no friends at all which made it easier for me to tell all of my friends that I was choosing to get married in the US.

We didn't go down the prenup route. I'm 10 years older and have a lot more assets but I'm not convinced a prenup would make any difference in the long run (since it's going to be easy for me to prove what I had prior to the marriage anyway) and of course because I don't expect to get divorced (I realize that most people don't when they get married). To me far more important was feeling absolutely confident that we're on the same page when it comes to finances going forward.

[MrsPB]

We got married 3 years ago for a grand total of $237 which covered license, officiator, my dress (was not a wedding dress), a small bouquet of gerberas and a cake. We planned it all in 2 days. We had originally planned to do a quick courthouse wedding with just the two of us there and at a later date a 'real' wedding or big party. We were away visiting the inlaws and decided to do it there and the only guests were DH parents and sister, and my family (live across the globe) skyping in. We had the ceremony in the living room of the inlaws, Sister In Law is an amateur photog so she took pics and In laws provided a bottle of champagne. DH and I went for lunch together to the restaurant we had our first date and then in laws treated us all (5 people total) to a nice dinner out in the evening.
It was so wonderful and special! We still haven't had that party, maybe we will do something at the 10 yr mark to celebrate but honestly, the day was about us and I look back on it fondly. I was married before and had the big wedding etc, although did do it on a budget and was proud of that (made my own invites, table decorations, favours, bought a pre iced cake and decorated with fresh flowers, $100 dress on sale, rented tuxes etc), but much preferred the smaller wedding. I actually got to spend this one with my beloved, rather than entertaining all my guests!
Anyway, now that we are super savers, I'm very glad we did not spend lots on the wedding, it was perfect regardless of the fact it was under $300.

Edited to add: no rings! I have a modest engagement ring though.

[MrsDinero]

My husband and I recently got married. We actually canceled the big 100 person wedding and instead went family only (10 people).

We rented an outdoor wedding space at a botanical garden.  Mid week ($450) the prices were cheaper than the weekend. I bought a new dress, my husband wore a suit he already owned, but bought a matching shirt and tie to go with my dress.  I skipped the bouquet but got a small wedding cake and hired a professional photographer (most expensive part at $1100 but we love our photos).

For the reception we all went to a fancy steakhouse for dinner which was very expensive but since neither family ever goes out to eat and they are all steak lovers we felt like it would be a great splurge and "treat" for our family. 

All total we spent about $2k not counting the points and miles used for travel.  So not as MMM as it could have been but it was perfect for us.

[GreenSheep]

Thanks for the ideas! These all sound fun -- and you're all reminding me of the fact that my parents got married in the backyard in the '70s and are still happily married 40 years later. They had a bigger/fancier event than we want, but it was still not overly showy, and the photos look like they had a good time.

We plan to move to a new state and buy a new (to us) home with a bit of acreage there in 1.5 years, so maybe we should just wait and have our ceremony in our new backyard. If I remember correctly, younghouselove.com did that, and it looked very nice.

As far as the prenup goes, obviously it's not that I'm already concerned that we're headed for divorce (but as someone pointed out, no one thinks they are) -- it's that I work in an ER and have seen marriages/families fall apart over all sorts of things that have nothing to do with basic disagreements or being a "bad person." A head trauma, dementia, mental health problems, prescription medication addiction, etc. can turn someone into a completely different person. It's scary.

[onlykelsey]

As far as the prenup goes, obviously it's not that I'm already concerned that we're headed for divorce (but as someone pointed out, no one thinks they are) -- it's that I work in an ER and have seen marriages/families fall apart over all sorts of things that have nothing to do with basic disagreements or being a "bad person." A head trauma, dementia, mental health problems, prescription medication addiction, etc. can turn someone into a completely different person. It's scary.

This is very important to remember.  I have a prenup, and I think of it as trying to protect me from alternate reality husband (who has become an addict or developed a mental disorder or whatever), or vice versa.  It's not really the man I married that I'm protecting myself from (and vice versa for him).  I know I've got some strong addict and BPD genes, I don't want to take him down with me if it comes to that.

[brute]

Our marriage/wedding cost $345. 4 people were there. $200 dress (she looked incredible, I will never forget seeing her in it for the first time). My tailored suit that I've had for a couple years. 4 friends, so 6 $20 tickets to the top of a mountain. $25 for the license. We had a private mountain top wedding. No hassle. Great pictures, and I'm just as married to the love of my life as I would have been if I had spend $45k (like one of my friends did not so long ago).

Pre-nups. I'm not into them. If you're not ungodly rich already and making sure they aren't just marrying you for your assets, they seem like they would get in the way of the marriage. Yes, I make 4x what my wife does. No, I don't feel the need to protect my assets from her. Maybe I'm young, stupid, and trusting, but I think this will last.

All that being said...

We did have another ceremony that family was invited to. Family paid for it too. We spent about 1/3 of what they gave us for the most extravagant, outlandish ceremony and party we could conceive, still coming in barely over $5k. Seriously, it was the most legendary wedding I've ever been to, and everyone (well, except for a couple people who are just always cranky) had an amazing time at the reception. Venue was the biggest cost, but it was worth it. Breakdown of what we did to cut costs for this one

No DJ. --They are usually terrible, don't play your music, and think they're allowed to talk all night. Nope.
Cash bar. --We didn't want people getting trashed at our wedding. We bought the first round, then if people wanted more, it was on them
Food  --Nice appetizers were passed, made everyone feel fancy. Then buffet style pasta and sliders. Cut the food cost in half, and was still my favorite food at a wedding ever
Cake --Cupcakes. 100 of them was 1/4 the cost of a regular wedding cake and people still felt fancy
No wedding planner --They don't listen, are usually awful people, and cost a lot. So a little extra work and we had everything the way we wanted
Flowers --we made the center pieces ourselves. People argued over who got to take them home, so apparently they turned out well. no other flowers
Honeymoon --we went outside. Visited some beautiful places. Way better than staying drunk at a crappy resort on a tiny piece of littered beach


 

[onlykelsey]

Prenup is a good idea.  You will each need a lawyer in most states in order to maximize the chances of it being upheld (which is the whole point, obviously).  Otherwise it might be assumed that since you had the money and were paying the lawyer (joint representations for this are usually not available, maybe not in any state), it should all be interpreted in the least friendly way to you.  He should have someone advocating for his interests.  I also actually felt better (as the person with assets to protect) that someone was advocating for him.  Local bar associations often have referrals.  I honestly used yelp and looked at reviews, and I am myself a lawyer (in an unrelated field).  Under most states' laws, money that you bring in to the marriage remains yours, but laws can change, or you can move, so I think it's worth the money even if all you want to do is contractually agree to the default treatment offered by the law.  I am not sure where you are, but in a city I might expect to spend between 500 and a 1000 each, depending on whether one lawyer drafts and the other reviews, or what. Heads up - leave time for this.  Signing it right before the wedding makes it look like there was coercion.

Also, on the other points, I'm not sure I'm super qualified to offer advice (we did it for 1/4 the average [~50 guests] in Manhattan, but still a LOT of money), but some thoughts:

-order flowers offline if you want them.  I ordered two boxes of orchids (which are so striking that you don't really need to arrange them or put them with other flowers) and stuck them in vases everywhere and had a cousin tape and pin them together for simple bouquets for me and the bridesmaids on the morning of.  We started collecting vases at the local goodwill but actually getting a box of 12 new vases was significantly cheaper.
-buy a used dress (if you plan on having one) and then donate or sell it.  I'm donating mine to a military wives' organization, but there are all sorts of options.
-invites, if applicable.  I pushed to do all digital, but it was totally foreign and unimaginable and confusing to the 60+ folks in the family.  We compromised on sending postcards (labeled as save the dates, but you can make them whatever you want) as invitations and asked people to mail in their responses.  Several older folks made their OWN RSVP cards and physically mailed them back, haha. 
-not a frugality-related tip (except indirectly), but especially if you are a woman, DO NOT let people tell you what matters about your wedding.  We skipped all sorts of "MUST HAVES" and everything was fine.  You do not have to care about flowers/music/garters/etc if you don't want to.  This seems obvious, but people seemed to come out of the woodwork and want to give me AGGRESSIVE commentary on every detail of my wedding.  Very strange.  Politely resist and don't let them shake you.

[banjarian]

There's a huge range of wedding expenses. My wedding could have been more frugal, but I still saved a lot of money with careful planning. My dress was $150, bought online - no $1000+ Say Yes to the Dress moment for me and I felt great anyway. We paid less than $15/head to cater, and my guests raved about it. I made decorations by hand and saved a ton that way. I let my bridesmaids choose whatever dress they wanted, at whatever price point they wanted, as long as it was the color I picked. We didn't do tux rentals for the guys. We got one of the cheapest venues in town that would accommodate our guest list, and didn't hire staff.

There's no reason you have to cater it, no reason you have to get a formal venue, no reason the dress has to cost more than a hundred dollars, even if it's new. You don't have to serve a meal; some weddings just do cake, or just do a cocktail hour, etc. You don't have to pay a DJ if you know a friend with some speakers and you can make a playlist. Your guests will get over it if you don't care to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on flowers, if you don't care about flowers.

I could have had a more frugal wedding, but I chose to spend on the things that mattered to me. Don't spend money on things that don't matter just because it's expected. Spend on what matters to you, and don't feel bad about it.

[JoJo]

This one looks nice...

http://www.king5.com/travel/destinations/explore-the-pnw/couple-elopes-in-the-clouds-atop-mount-pilchuck/265487376

[Choices]

You said you're not planning on getting a new dress, but if you change your mind it's possible to order bridesmaid dresses in white. I didn't want a train, so it saved a bunch of money and a bunch of altering!

[EnjoyIt]

slightly more expensive can be a vacation as well.

Consider a destination wedding in Mexico or the Caribbean if your family is interested.  You spend several days at the resort, get married and then fly home. If you pick a decent all inclusive place, the whole thing can be done for under $3k which includes flight, food, drinks, and hotel stay.  Plus you already got the honeymoon covered.  This only works if your family is interested and willing to pay for their own vacation.  What is nice about this, is that it requires almost no planning on your part.  All you need to do is show up a day or two before and answer a couple of questions and then done.

As for a prenup, get one.  It is better to decide how to split assets in case of a divorce while you love each other and can come up with amicable decisions as opposed to when you hate each other and want to screw each other over.  Hopefully your marriage will never end in divorce, but since 50% do, I do believe it is best to be prepared. 

Also, make sure you have a reasonable discussion and agree on every little detail before you get the lawyers involved.  They will charge you by the hour and depending on the lawyer may look for ways for disagreement which increases billing costs.  Best way to minimize these costs is to conference call your lawyer and his lawyer so this way you don't have a revolving back and forth which wastes time and money.

Basically the process is to itemize all your possessions
Decide how it will be divided and if there is any form of alimony or temporary support
If there is a divorce will someone pay for lawyer and court fees
If there is any recourse if the person filing the case loses
You can also decide on cheating clauses

You can not decide on child support

Have the above ready before you even talk to a lawyer.  This will save you some time and money. Make sure you get the document signed well in advance of your wedding.  Some judges may view a signature prior to a wedding as done under duress and may through out the document during divorce proceedings. 

Disclaimer:  I am not a lawyer but have read a bit about the process and have a prenup myself.

[Cassie]

When we got married 13 years ago we did it for 2K. This did not include rings. WE got married at a wedding chapel and rented a hall. We had a DJ and had 60 guests. Someone made the cake for a gift and it was beautiful. I made or bought all the food ahead of time. A few of the guests also brought some food-they volunteered. We bought all the alcohol and a friend tended the bar.  Some friends helped us decorate the hall and bring all the food in, etc. 

[SimplyMarvie]

We had a bit of a mess of a wedding -- we eloped, then our wedding was crashed by 25 additional family members who invited themselves to our elopement, then I broke my ankle 4 days before the wedding. Do not do any of these things!

What I wish we'd done, is waited until our favorite local band was in town, gotten married that afternoon/evening in a small affair at the courthouse with parents, and then bought tickets to the show for our friends and family and let them know that their first drink was on us. It wouldn't have been super-cheap, but given that tickets were $8-10 at that time, it would have been under $2000, and the kind of upbeat, fun, funky vibe we'd wanted. HUGE improvement over flammable fake silk, broken air conditioning and pitting edema. *sigh*

My point, really, is not to be afraid to go off-course and do exactly what you want, and don't let anyone tell you differently