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Hopefully she will have a realization and sell and save herself. But more likely she will do nothing till the point she loses both her house and all equity.
Sadly, I think you're right. She's chosen to neglect some very basic responsibilities, and there have already been consequences for that, but she keeps on as always. It will probably take a major crisis before she decides she needs to change--and that's assuming she ever will.
What is my responsibility? I'm really referring to my mother, and also my sister (I don't really care what happens to my brother).
Your primary responsibility (at least to my mind) is to your children. And part of that responsibility to them is also seeing to it that you and your wife continue to have a happy, stable marriage--they deserve a two-parent home. If allowing your mother to move in with you puts your marriage at risk, then I'd say no, because your children's interests should trump hers.
Your mother didn't have to end up dependent upon you--as an adult, she's had plenty of options--but she's willfully maneuvering into that position of dependency through her own negligence. Your children, however, are wholly dependent upon you and have no choice in that matter. They have no control over the situation, and depend upon you to act in their best interests.
I never had kids of my own, but I'm always going to come down on the side of kids in these situations because they're the underdogs, with no power. That's just how I roll.
My mother jokes if she can move in, or why don't I either buy a house for her, or buy a bigger house to move in.
To which I would say, "But you already have a house, Mom; why do I need to buy one for you?" But then again, my mom raised me to
take responsibility for my own shit and not demand that family members sacrifice themselves to save me from my own willful incompetence be a meaniepants.
But a large part of her financial ruin was her own neglect and also her codependent relationship with my brother, whom I cannot stand.
Her neglectfulness is an important factor to consider. She had plenty of chances to create a comfortable life for herself in retirement, and she blew them all. She's still blowing it, even as her situation becomes more and more dire. She's counting on you to save her, whether you want to or not, and whether doing so causes hardship for you, your marriage and your kids. And she probably hasn't given
any thought to how you and your family will be affected by that, because if she did she wouldn't be in this situation.
Also, if she moves in with you, your shiftless siblings will still be in the picture. Sure, you could try banishing your brother from your house, but honestly--do you imagine that actually working? Where's he going to go? Where's your sister going to go? What's going to happen when one or both of them have nowhere to go and your mother starts telling you how horrible you are for not letting them stay at your house?
If your mother is as enmeshed with your brother as you say she is, there will be no getting rid of him. He'll always be around, and she'll always have an excuse for why. Is that what you want to live with?
And your sister needs to get her act together and stop being "erratically employed." It sounds like she's the one you're closest to, so maybe it's time to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her on that subject. Otherwise, are you going to keep rescuing her from her own ineptitude, along with your mom?
Right now there seems to be no solution.
Well, there is--but there are going to be hellishly negative consequences no matter what you decide, and it's a matter of choosing which ones you can live with.
Let's assume she's going to lose the house at some point in the next five years. She has a pittance of an income. Where is she going to move? What emergency and long-term housing is available for low-income seniors? What does she have to do to get into it? Knowing in advance that she's going to be homeless, it might be extremely helpful to start looking into various programs and services available to seniors who end up there. The time to learn about what's available is
now--not when the bottom drops out. And the next time she coyly hints at how you'll save her by buying her a house, hand her a packet of information with an application.
As with Skyhigh's parents, she may be too prideful to apply for them, and demand that you cater to her ego by providing private welfare instead. But if you already know what is available to her, you might find it a lot easier (psychologically) to say no to that, and make accepting government assistance a requirement for further help from you. At that point, if she ends up living in her car rather than go on any form of social welfare, it will be a voluntary, conscious choice. And let her make it--don't be manipulated into caving in.
If she does decide to take advantage of the available resources, there's no reason you couldn't supplement her SSI check with a small monthly allowance, if you wish. You can still assist her in a lot of ways--without sacrificing the peace, happiness, and financial best interests of your wife and kids.
Either I will cave and have 1 or more live with me and be misreable/break up my marriage, or will be guilt-ridden for the rest of my life for not taking care of my parent.
Why would you feel guilt-ridden? She hasn't bothered to take care of herself, after all. Seriously, she's had all kinds of chances to make more money, save for retirement, take proper care of her house, stay out of debt--
all the stuff responsible adult humans do every single day. Instead, she's made one childishly short-sighted, self-centered decision after another, and somehow you're obligated to step in and save her from herself, at huge cost to yourself and your family?
Look--wanting to take care of an aging parent, and make sure they are safe and comfortable, is normal. So is feeling an obligation to do so, even when you have a difficult relationship with them.
But your mom is, ultimately, just another adult human being, like you. She's legally competent, still has resources at her disposal, and is free to live exactly as she pleases--and deal with the inevitable consequences. You didn't egg her on and tell her it was totally okay to live as she has; you didn't prevent her from working more, or demand that she fill her house with useless crap, or forbid her from maintaining the house. You didn't steal her property tax money, or tell her not to bother with saving for retirement. She got statements from the Social Security Administration telling her how tiny her SS checks would be even before she retired, and yet she still didn't clean up her act.
There are some worthwhile things to feel guilty over. Refusing to insulate another adult, at great personal and financial cost, from the consequences of their own willfully bad decision-making, is not one of them. Not even when it's your mother.
