making friends in a new city

[kt]

Any tips on making friends in a new city? Specifically as someone in their early/mid 20s.
I moved to a new city 10 months ago and still have no 'friends'. I have people who I see through activities but no one I would ring up for a chat or meet up with outside of said activities. And no one of my age really.
I go to a monthly book club (mainly ladies older than me and at a different life stage) and church (really friendly, lovely people and real community, friends but not my age). I have tried classes/groups for dancing, cycling, yoga and am planning to try netball and a photography group but it would seem people my age already have their friends and don't do these kind of things.
I also work from home which obviously doesn't help. The activities I do do at least get me out but I really did think I might have at least one vague, my-age friend by this stage.
I moved to be nearer my boyfriend and see him regularly which is great but no friends is not ideal. I have very close friends from school I am still in contact with which helps.
Any thoughts?

[Mike]

1. You mentioned cycling.  Try finding a bike club/group in the area that does social rides.  If you're a jogger, you could join a running group for the same purpose.  The internet is a great way to find out about these things.  Beyond that, there are stores that cater to them as well (bike shops tend to sponsor/organize group rides, and running stores tend to do likewise for runners).

2. Volunteer.  If you have a passion for something, seek out a group that is working on that issue and offer some of your time.  You'd get to pursue a passion (good) and meet like-minded people with whom you'd immediately have something in common (also good). 

[mustachecat]

Seconding the rec to volunteer! I have a bunch of friends from my first volunteer gig after college, and I ended up getting a job there later on.

I don't belong to any social groups, but Meetup.com has been a great place to find like-minded people. Take a look at what groups are in your city.

[iamsoners]

I'm certainly no expert but I think they say some of the keys to building friendships are repeated interactions along with spur of the moment chances to interact.  That is to say, the more often you are in touch with people--whether formally or informally--the more liklihood you have of building a strong relationship with them.  For example if you see someone at church on Sunday and then happen to run in to them at the coffee shop on Tuesday, you're one step closer to building a friendship.  So, are there ways you can engineer more interactions with the same group of people?  Maybe if you're in a cycling group that has twice weekly rides, try to go more than once--or set up a happy hour afterwards.  Try to make friends with neighbors, who you're more likely to run in to. Perhaps join a small group at the church you go to.

All that said, I'll lament--it's just hard!

[ace1224]

meetup.com

[CanuckExpat]

I'm certainly no expert but I think they say some of the keys to building friendships are repeated interactions along with spur of the moment chances to interact. 
...
All that said, I'll lament--it's just hard!

You were right about that, and here is someone going on about that. I can say that getting a dog is surprisingly good for this (not that you should get a dog only for that reason. It gets you out and about on a regular schedule, where you will interact regularly with some of the same people over again.

[miss snow]

I second the dog idea. We have met a lot of people just by meeting them and their dogs on the street or at the dog park. Also, here's a very strange suggestion...join the local climbing gym, if there is one. I was having the same problem with meeting people until I started climbing at my local gym. It's an incredibly social sport and you'll get some rad muscles to boot. People are usually into grabbing drinks after a session so you'll get some extra socialization outside the gym. Best of all, climbers are the most mustachian people I've met as they would rather save their money for climbing adventures than spend on silly consumer goods. Good luck!

[mobilisinmobili]

If you meet one really socially active person, they can often be a great pivot into meeting a whole circle of new people. Also if you start dropping hints on people you meet that you're new the the city, looking for things to do, you'll get invited out a lot more, you have to put yourself out there though.

Start striking up conversations with the people you find interesting that you meet, go to places / events where you feel they might show up, etc.

[kt]

cheers for the ideas!
i did go to a bike group but it was only once a week, with older people and it would seem it's stopped now. there are lunchtime groups which i might try to get to but i do have work!
i think i need to choose one more thing and stick to it. familiarity is not as good as friendship but it is better than nothing. that is what i feel i have at my book group.
bumping into people randomly does help but just doesn't seem to happen! i go for a wander most lunch times.
i get emails from a volunteer group i'm interested in and i will go along to the next event. but again i suspect it will be all older people. but we shall see.
i once dog sat and people def talk when you're walking a dog! unfortunately i'm not in a position for pets at the moment. and i'd want a cat. or a house-rabbit! i've heard you can walk rabbits, bet that would get people talking to me!
when i was in austria my entire social network came from my job or from one incredible friend at church who was crazy sociable.
once when i was waiting for a train someone commented on my band tshirt and we had a chat. i didn't think it was weird, just unusual but i enjoyed it. so i might try this tack! i find it easy to talk to random people on buses and such like.
thanks for all the ideas! i don't find socialising easy and the less i do it the more nervous i get. sometimes i just need a bit of oomph!

[GoCubsGo]

Join a spin class or yoga class (or any class at a gym) where you will see the same people (stop by one before you join and see if the age group is similar to yours).  I've done a couple bootcamp type classes and you tend to bond with the people in the class through the shared pain of getting your a$$ kicked.

Second the charity thing, many of the charity workers in hospitals by me are young 20's types often looking to boost their resume's in a tough job climate (per a mid-40's friend of mine who said she was the oldest person by 15 years).

[Catbert]

If you speak a foreign language, even badly (high school Spanish anyone) try a meet-up conversational language group.  In my large metro-area there are numerous Spanish-language meet-up groups.  (Not as many in other languages.)  What nice is that it's free so it's easy to try different groups until you find one that has people in the right age range and the purpose of a conversational Spanish group is to converse so its easier to find out about people and their interests than some other options.

You might also try a different church.  I don't necessarily mean change religion but I assume different congregations may draw different age groups.  (Zero experience personally with church so I may be wrong.)

[meadow lark]

Maybe a support group of sorts?  Any addictions?  12 step groups like Overeaters Anonymous are often filled with the nicest people you will ever meet.  Or a group meeting about frugal living - I need to look for one in Albuquerque.  Also, I see my friends who cross-fit tend to make close friendships.  Something about working together on something hard or painful leads to those connections.

[kt]

haha! that made me smile. 'unfortunately' no addictions! but have put an environmental film showing at a local pub in the diary, hoping that might provide some talking points and like-minded folks.
the suggestions here are great. unfortunately my 'city' is rather small and i have no car. plus everything i want to do seems to be on monday! a well. i plan to find one more regular activity to stick with in the next month or so; weekly would be great, monthly would be fine.

[Spork]

meetup.com

This is what I was going to say.  They have a zillion categories and specialize in forcing people into face-to-face situations.

[camarijm]

Crossfit!

Seriously, find a gym that caters to newbies. There'll be a lot of folks who haven't worked out in years, if ever, as well as fitter folks.

You'll meet people who have healthy lifestyles and are interested in interacting with other people. (otherwise they'd just go to a gym by themselves)

Try a few different local Crossfit gyms since they all have different attitudes. Stick with the one that fits your style.

+1

I do crossfit and our box has regular paleo dinners and we all go out together. I've gotten pretty close to a few of them. It's also much more of a "lifestyle" than other exercise, like dancing class, since a lot of crossfit gyms emphasize a paleo lifestyle. You all suffer through the workouts together and discuss paleo difficulties.

[gooki]

Don't live by yourself is my top tip.

Go live with some random people of similar age, and you'll quickly be introduced to a larger group of people who you will have repeated contact with.

[Dee18]

1. Take a class.  If you don't run, take a Couch Potato to 5K running class, a yoga class, a cooking class, a programming class--anything.  Pick something you are interested in and go to a class where you will see the same people at least half a dozen times. 
2.  Call your college alumni office.  See if there is anyone else from your college living in town.  If they are your age or 25-35 years older (so they'll have kids your age) call them up and invite them to lunch or coffee.  Maybe there is even an alumni group in town.
3.  Our art museum and symphony are both recruiting young members (under 35).  They give them a discount and have cocktail parties before events.  Look for these in your town.
4.  Mention what town you live in on this list---I bet you would find some MMM friends in a minute!

[lifejoy]

Meetup.com helped me.

Depending on your preferences, you could try and get a part-time job at a cool business that is in line with your interests?

I moved to be with my boyfriend, and 10 months later (like you) I don't yet have a friend that I would call up, have over, and "do nothing" with. The hangouts always involve an activity: movie date, museum date, shopping date (pre-mustachian days!).

It's hard. I think those close close friends that we want to have get developed over time. I think you've got some great things going, just keep at it! You can do it :) And know that you'll always have us friends online!

[Viv A. Stache]

I was never able to find a group of people on Meetup that I wanted to socialize with, and I'm in a big metro area (East Coast). I would recommend getting involved in a group of people who share a hobby though, since doing something while interacting will take away some of the pressure. My husband started a beer brewing club, and through an email list got to know a bunch of great people. A lot of clubs can be found through the local shop that caters to people that share the hobby. And everyone else is right, it only takes one social friend to start the chain of encounters that will lead to friends. Don't give up! We lived here for almost a year before we met anyone who we would regularly invite over or hang out with.

[Shandi76]

Definitely agree with the posters who said CrossFit! :-) I moved to a new city about 9 months ago and asides from work colleagues and one friendly neighbour, everyone else I have met has been through CrossFit. Going to a smaller Box helps too: I know pretty much everyone at the Box now, we have some social meetups, and the gruelling WODs and quests for PRs and new skills does aid bonding.

[kt]

doesn't seem to be a crossfit place near me. but i am looking at moving to a cheaper place, i currently share with 7 others but have my own lounge & shower room. i went for more space as i work from home but have decided the money might be better spent socialising. i like the extra rooms but think getting out more would do more for me.
i saw someone i knew randomly for the first time the other day which was nice. and am going to a screening of an environmental documentary in a local pub this evening which i hope may result in some discussions.

[mobilisinmobili]

You're more likely to become friends with people that have similar values and/or passions as you. So visit/attend/participate in the things you're passionate about and strike up conversations

I just read Mark Manson's 'Escape Plan' and although it wasn't super useful overall, I did like the section on tips on making friends while you're doing long-term travel. PM me if you like and I can send you a copy of the ebook. He also blogs at postmasculine.com - but I don't know if there's an article there that matches what's in the book.

[Miss Stachio]

OP - cats can be taken out for walks too.  I have a harness for my cat and used to take him on walks around my building.  It's easier to start the cat young but you can also slowly train older cats to get used to a harness and then a harness+leash, and then walking around your home, and finally actually taking longer and longer walks outside the door.  It's not quite like walking a dog since cats tend to go very slowly and meander all over the place but people will stop and talk to you for sure.

You're also completely right that practicing socializing makes it more comfortable, like any other habit.

I moved to a new place a couple years ago where I didn't know anyone and wanted to figure out how to make new friends.  I usually test as an introvert by MBTI and hardly thought of myself as a mover-shaker.  But I'm also a scientist so I tried an experiment where I brainstormed the actions of a social organizer and executed them.  I met people through meetup/OKC/work/hobbies (one of my friends used craigslist to great success) and got the contact info of people I liked talking to and then invited them to hang out individually or in small groups for low pressure get togethers (like coffee/tea, lunches, happy hour, potlucks, cooking meals, biking around town, walks, hikes).  In the beginning, this felt very awkward but I just acknowledged the feeling and kept practicing the actions, while noting what seemed to work and what didn't.

I was surprised at how many people love being invited out and said yes.  From what I've observed, most people (esp. singles) want to do social things but are waiting for someone else to make the first move or to organize.  For me personally, it takes time and many one-on-one or small group interactions to make the kind of close friends you described (the ones you can call up to talk or to hang out regularly).  These repeated hangouts may be uncomfortable at first but it's investing - both for increasing your socializing comfort level and for creating friends.  Over the two years, I built a couple of close friendships and found several close groups that I have fun hanging out with.

Best of luck to you, keep practicing!

[momo]

Look into Craigslist.com for event ideas/groups for young 20 somethings. Also agree on meetup.com if it is in your area, if not you can create a local one. Also what hobbies do you have that involving being outside? Do you enjoy gardening? You can certainly volunteer and connect with likeminded people. So consider going out and exploring your environment more and be creative with the local resources (libraries, hospitals, churches, universities, etc) that do not involve spending much money.

Also, if you are really trying to achieve ER carefully consider how expensive activities like crossfit or owning a dog/cat may impact your goals.

Eventually if you do what you love, you will come across people who share similar interests. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Cheers!

[Kriegsspiel]

OP - cats can be taken out for walks too.  I have a harness for my cat and used to take him on walks around my building.  It's easier to start the cat young but you can also slowly train older cats to get used to a harness and then a harness+leash, and then walking around your home, and finally actually taking longer and longer walks outside the door.  It's not quite like walking a dog since cats tend to go very slowly and meander all over the place but people will stop and talk to you for sure.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA OMG just the mental image is hilarious :)  My brother has a cat that he dresses up for halloween.  This year he had a bumblebee costume.  Anyways, he tells me to watch, since she reacts the same way every year.  He puts this costume on her, and she basically acts like it weighs too much for her to support.  She kinda slinks around and lays on the ground, it's really hilarious.  A cat on a leash must be awesome.

[Miss Stachio]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA OMG just the mental image is hilarious :)  My brother has a cat that he dresses up for halloween.  This year he had a bumblebee costume.  Anyways, he tells me to watch, since she reacts the same way every year.  He puts this costume on her, and she basically acts like it weighs too much for her to support.  She kinda slinks around and lays on the ground, it's really hilarious.  A cat on a leash must be awesome.

Yes, the first time I put the harness on my cat, he crawled around backwards on his belly for about 30 minutes.  After about the third time I put it on, he would walk around normally (albeit disdainfully) and I transitioned him to walking with a leash around my building.  But he hates moving vehicles so it's been hard walking him in my current location.  Cats are pretty trainable, in spite of what people say.  I've also trained my cat to respond to his name, sit up on his hind legs when I say "Stand" and touch his paw on my palm when I say "Shake".  Now whenever I cook something he also wants to eat, I can see him 'standing' out of the corner of my eye with his paws waving around in the air.

Sorry to hijack this thread.  Maybe I should start one under "Frugal Entertainment Idea - Training Cats"

[Kriegsspiel]

I still have no idea what EDS does, but their herding cats commercial is one of the best ever.

[El Gringo]

Have you tried organizing a potluck dinner of random people you know and would like to get to know better?

My church here in DC has a really cool thing where one Friday a month 4-5 people in the church sign up to a host a dinner. Then other people in the church sign up to attend, and they get (somewhat randomly) assigned to a dinner. The dinners tend to consist of 8-12 people. They are one of my favorite things of the month. Some of my closest friends in my church I have met through these dinners (one of them now is my housemate!). You could either initiate this in your church, or doing a selection of people from various social circles you are involved in.