Author Topic: Living far away from elderly parents who need care  (Read 2387 times)

mubington

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Living far away from elderly parents who need care
« on: January 11, 2018, 02:32:35 AM »
 My parents are very reluctant to spend any money on care. I encourage them to spend it on care but feel guilty that my motives for doing so are selfish.

Perhaps we should help each other out as much as possible. On the other hand, I live 6 hours away and the travel costs could probably cover better and more frequent  professional care than I can sporadically provide without moving near them... but they would be very resistant to the idea of paying for professionals.


Any similar experiences?
« Last Edit: April 27, 2018, 10:33:41 AM by mubington »

Dicey

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Re: Living far away from elderly parents who need care
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2018, 05:32:53 AM »
I encourage them to spend it  but feel guilty that my motives for doing so are largely selfish.
Wait - encouraging them not to spend it wouldn't mean your "motives for doing so are largely selfish"? Don't paint yourself into a corner like that!

I've been there, done that. The best thing to do is ask yourself to imagine how you will feel when they are gone, regardless of what your siblings do, then build your plan from there. The point of becoming RE is so you have options in life. Now is the time to use them to your best advantage.

MayDay

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Re: Living far away from elderly parents who need care
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2018, 07:24:16 AM »
This is a topic that gets me annoyed.

My mom is the only sane one of my parents and in laws. She fully intends to move close to one of us kids as soon as she reties so she can settle in and. Build a network before she is elderly. She doesn't want to be a burden on us kids. She wants to make it easy for us to oversee her care (even if we provide no direct care, just stuff like checking medications, checking into male sure all is well,setting up local services).

The other three are stubborn and will never move.

I think to some extent your parents have to own their choices. If they choose to live far away,they have to either call in favors for rides and care, or spend their money. You can't do that level of care from afar. And you shouldn't feel guilty for it. Kids or not. 

We also encourage our parents to spend their money, tonno avail thus far. My FIL could really use a housekeeper for example, but he refuses.

Sibley

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Re: Living far away from elderly parents who need care
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2018, 07:36:14 AM »
Ok, you're completely not understanding this situation. They're old. They need help. Period. The only question is how they get the help they need, and the price. There is always a price.

Also understand they're not being frugal. They're being cheap. Frugal is not spending unnecessarily, and getting a good price on things you need. Cheap is not getting things you need. They need assistance. They're not getting it. That's cheap.

There are 4 basic paths this can go.

1. They move closer to family who can and will assist them.
2. You move closer to them.
3. They recognize that they need assistance and start paying for it.
4. No one moves, they don't get assistance.

Is #2 an option? Yes? Do it. No? Don't even mention it. It's not selfish to decline to uproot your life.

4 isn't an option. It'll result in illnesses, injuries, etc that will cost a bunch of extra money and that's assuming they survive whatever the original issue is. That's pennywise and pound foolish.

If you're not moving, you need to talk to them. Possibly as a nice big family, get everyone together. Discuss options with them. Since they want to leave money for the grandkids, you're going to need to pull the argument that the grandkids do not deserve a lifetime of guilt because their grandparents suffered in order to provide them with (presumably) unneeded money. Money is just money, and your parents are hurting themselves rather than spend it when they need it. Yes, reverse guilt trip them. The solutions are they they move, or they start spending some money for the help they need. The alternative is property damage/decay, unnecessary illnesses/injuries followed by medical costs, reduced quality of life, etc.

Also start helping them take advantage of any services/discounts they're eligible for. That will sooth the cheap side of their emotions.

If getting a social worker or some person who works with elderly people is an option, do it. Because they're used to dealing with people who need help and refuse to admit it, or pay for it, or whatever.