Lean on Me -- the importance of community in Mustachianism

[Trudie]

My husband and I (in our 40s and 50s) have been in the same house for 10 years, but it's only been in the last 18 months that we've felt "sympatico" with neighbors we want to spend time with.  We live in a small town in a newer housing area, and there are four families on our side of the street who've finally connected.  One other couple is our age.  The two other couples are a bit older, and retired.

Now what does this have to do with Mustachianism?  Well, I think that we've finally learned how to lean on other people and we're experiencing the give and take that comes as part of friendship and helping one another out.  Previously we paid for lots of stuff that now we barter or share.  Lest this sound too obnoxious, we do it for one another.  It's not just a one-way street.

I'm not too handy, but I'm great at cooking and gardening.  So, when my neighbors help me cut down a tree or loan me a truck, I make them dinner.  Or I divide my perennials and share.  When I bake, I share goodies.  When I need something at the store and don't want to run out for one thing, I call and return the favor when I go to the store the next time.

When we get together it's usually for the inexpensive impromptu happy hour or potluck.  We don't go out for too many expensive dinners.

This is just old school neighborliness... something a lot of us grew up with but probably have fallen away from.  I would trust anyone of these people to look in on my home when I was gone.  In some ways I feel like we live on a little "compound" or something.

Previous generations seemed to be more comfortable with the give and take, but we've fallen away from it.

[arebelspy]

What a great story.

Community, family, and specifically the relationships you have with other people is what matters.

Thank you for posting and for the reminder of that.  :)

[EK]

That sounds wonderful.  I'd like to build that kind of community of sharing and kindness someday too- it's a work in progress though.  I have semi-serious plans for an eventual "compound" of like-minded friends and family.  Building a community like that  just naturally with your existing neighbors is really wonderful.  True connection with others brings such meaning and happiness.  Thanks for sharing. :)

[Ian]

I'm not the most social person, but I agree this is important. One of the ongoing missions of my life is to continue finding people who can form a solid community... the problem will be getting all of us together in the same place.

[NV Teacher]

Sounds wonderful.  I've lived in this house six years and I still don't know a person on my street.  I wave to the lady that walks her dogs as I'm leaving for work and that's it.

[Trudie]

Sounds wonderful.  I've lived in this house six years and I still don't know a person on my street.  I wave to the lady that walks her dogs as I'm leaving for work and that's it.

Don't get discouraged.  We've lived in our neighborhood ten years, and it's only been in the last two that things have meshed with the neighbors.

A couple of observations:
(1)  Our closest neighbors moved into town after living on a farm.  I think they were eager to make friends, and to spend more time with other people (less isolation.)  They are also very used to the "communitarian ethic" that comes from living on farms.  Farmers just share stuff.  They also just have lots of tools and a DIY attitude.  There's a lot of kindness there.
(2)  Sometimes people need encouragement to break the cycle of go-go-go expensive entertainment.  One of the four couples never has people over for dinner.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that neither knows how to cook.  We're going to do a progressive dinner in a month or so.  I think we'll just give them dessert duty and suggest ice cream sundaes.
(3)  I know of another neighborhood where they have "Thirsty Thursdays."  The party rotates, but it's always a BYOB/snack affair.  I really like this idea about once a month.  I don't think I could fit everyone in my house, but would opt to take September or October and have a fire in our firepit and set up tables and chairs outside.... kind of like a garden party.

I used to wonder what was wrong with my husband and me because we did more of the inviting, but others wouldn't reciprocate (we avoided controversial conversation -- politics, etc).  Now I've determined after talking to some of the people I'm close to that a lot of people are uncomfortable with hosting -- and a lot of this has to do with the fact that we've become such a consumer-driven society where "eating out" is associated with socializing.  Quite frankly, a lot of people don't know how to cook, or set a table, or feel a lot of pressure to be "on."  But then, going out is expensive and limits frequency and is often kind of a waste.  That is why I've become a fan of the potluck/all hands on deck approach.  I always tell people to be casual and not worry about what to bring.  I always say, "We may end up with four pans of macaroni and cheese and smores.  Wouldn't that be awesome!"

[dragoncar]

I used to wonder what was wrong with my husband and me because we did more of the inviting, but others wouldn't reciprocate (we avoided controversial conversation -- politics, etc).  Now I've determined after talking to some of the people I'm close to that a lot of people are uncomfortable with hosting -- and a lot of this has to do with the fact that we've become such a consumer-driven society where "eating out" is associated with socializing.  Quite frankly, a lot of people don't know how to cook, or set a table, or feel a lot of pressure to be "on."  But then, going out is expensive and limits frequency and is often kind of a waste.  That is why I've become a fan of the potluck/all hands on deck approach.  I always tell people to be casual and not worry about what to bring.  I always say, "We may end up with four pans of macaroni and cheese and smores.  Wouldn't that be awesome!"

I worry that my friends think I'm some kind of jerk because I never invited them over to my tiny studio.  Even now that I'm in a bigger place, I don't really like other people up in my space.  It has nothing to do with those particular people, and I always tried to make it worth the host's while when I go to their place (bring something beyond a standard host gift -- try to buy all the groceries for the meal or whatever).  Maybe I should start volunteering to cook there too.  Anyways, don't take it personally -- some of us appreciate opening your home.

[Prairie Stash]

I'm not too handy, but I'm great at cooking and gardening.  So, when my neighbors help me cut down a tree or loan me a truck, I make them dinner.  Or I divide my perennials and share.  When I bake, I share goodies.  When I need something at the store and don't want to run out for one thing, I call and return the favor when I go to the store the next time.

You sound like a great neighbour! I gladly exchange labour for food. Nothing is more satisfying than a nice home cooked meal after an afternoon of work. I'm getting supper tonight in exchange for picking up a freezer and moving it in. I easily got the better part of the deal.

[Cassie]

WE do a lot of pot lucks with our friends. We probably host the most but I am ok with that.  One of my friends never hosts but always brings a yummy dish & sometimes she comes to our house & brings the food & cooks it all which is fine.  I like to host so it all works out.  When we were working f.t. she would use her key & we would come home to a yummy meal which was a real treat.  The fun thing about having it at a house versus a restaurant is everyone can stay as long as they want. If you go out & want to talk longer then you need to go to a bar or coffee shop & spend more $ to keep socializing. 

[GoCubsGo]

I just watched the documentary "Happy" this weekend and being connected to a community was a big part of what made the subjects of the show happy (despite less than ideal living conditions in some cases).   I live in an area were there is a lot of people "competing" with each other (cars, clothes, houses, schooling) and I used to be caught up in it.  I now tend to write off most of my neighbors when I should try and give them a chance. We got invited to our new neighbors housewarming party and I'm kind of dreading it (they have a 4,000 sq foot house and $150K worth of cars in the driveway).   The last couple that lived there we basically just waved to each other and I was good with that, same with the rest of the block.  I'm going to give it a shot, maybe I'll be surprised.

[CommonCents]

We just moved to a house and we've found our neighbors are quite friendly and welcoming.  It probably helps we share a pond in our backyard and people tend to outside more as a result/likeminded in enjoying the water.  They invited us to feel free to use their backyard anytime (no worries about needing to stay in the yard for a frisbee game or party guests), and their "toys" (we've been offered use of a pair of kayaks, a sunfish, chairs, tools and a ladder).  We've been happy to join in the "no fence mentality".  Our guests broke a dock (which we offered to fix and did), and we were relieved they were easygoing about it.  The neighbors are all probably equally relieved we don't want to change the little community vibe!

[Gin1984]

Sounds wonderful.  I've lived in this house six years and I still don't know a person on my street.  I wave to the lady that walks her dogs as I'm leaving for work and that's it.

Don't get discouraged.  We've lived in our neighborhood ten years, and it's only been in the last two that things have meshed with the neighbors.

A couple of observations:
(1)  Our closest neighbors moved into town after living on a farm.  I think they were eager to make friends, and to spend more time with other people (less isolation.)  They are also very used to the "communitarian ethic" that comes from living on farms.  Farmers just share stuff.  They also just have lots of tools and a DIY attitude.  There's a lot of kindness there.
(2)  Sometimes people need encouragement to break the cycle of go-go-go expensive entertainment.  One of the four couples never has people over for dinner.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that neither knows how to cook.  We're going to do a progressive dinner in a month or so.  I think we'll just give them dessert duty and suggest ice cream sundaes.
(3)  I know of another neighborhood where they have "Thirsty Thursdays."  The party rotates, but it's always a BYOB/snack affair.  I really like this idea about once a month.  I don't think I could fit everyone in my house, but would opt to take September or October and have a fire in our firepit and set up tables and chairs outside.... kind of like a garden party.

I used to wonder what was wrong with my husband and me because we did more of the inviting, but others wouldn't reciprocate (we avoided controversial conversation -- politics, etc).  Now I've determined after talking to some of the people I'm close to that a lot of people are uncomfortable with hosting -- and a lot of this has to do with the fact that we've become such a consumer-driven society where "eating out" is associated with socializing.  Quite frankly, a lot of people don't know how to cook, or set a table, or feel a lot of pressure to be "on."  But then, going out is expensive and limits frequency and is often kind of a waste.  That is why I've become a fan of the potluck/all hands on deck approach.  I always tell people to be casual and not worry about what to bring.  I always say, "We may end up with four pans of macaroni and cheese and smores.  Wouldn't that be awesome!"

I used to invite people over but now with my daughter I don't feel like things say clean enough to have people over.  I feel bad that we no longer have that cheaper socializing.

[SingleMomDebt]

I envy my aunt, as she very much lives everyday with 'community' in her ways. While her living in the bay area makes it a bit easier. She can bring the community to any household she meets (especially with her good cooking and gift for conversation).

I wish I could be much more like that, but I am rather introverted in getting to know those people around me. However, I am trying to learn new ways and hope I can surround myself with the same. Thank you for sharing.

[DollarBill]

My Dad is like this, he always made friends easy. He grew up in a big family and it always comes down to food...lol. Any given night people can show up and know he will have plenty to feed. Some probably take advantage but I know most of his friends would help him out in every way.

For me I'm kind of the same but I tend to figure out who is a drain on me but I do have a small solid network of friends but scattered around the US.

[jordanread]

Not sure I like the title of the thread. As if one can't be Mustachian and a jerk. :P As a jerk, I feel kind of pissy about the phrasing. Here is the big thing, though, that I think needs to be addressed. Community is fun for mustachians...is it important though? I don't think so, but to each their own. Don't assume things...it always ends up being something that you would miss.

Don't get discouraged.  We've lived in our neighborhood ten years, and it's only been in the last two that things have meshed with the neighbors.

A couple of observations:
(1)  Our closest neighbors moved into town after living on a farm.  I think they were eager to make friends, and to spend more time with other people (less isolation.)  They are also very used to the "communitarian ethic" that comes from living on farms.  Farmers just share stuff.  They also just have lots of tools and a DIY attitude.  There's a lot of kindness there.
(2)  Sometimes people need encouragement to break the cycle of go-go-go expensive entertainment.  One of the four couples never has people over for dinner.  I think this is mostly due to the fact that neither knows how to cook.  We're going to do a progressive dinner in a month or so.  I think we'll just give them dessert duty and suggest ice cream sundaes.
(3)  I know of another neighborhood where they have "Thirsty Thursdays."  The party rotates, but it's always a BYOB/snack affair.  I really like this idea about once a month.  I don't think I could fit everyone in my house, but would opt to take September or October and have a fire in our firepit and set up tables and chairs outside.... kind of like a garden party.

That is what I am personally all about!! I love the outdoor stuff. No need to even go into the house...just hang out and have a great time!!

I used to wonder what was wrong with my husband and me because we did more of the inviting, but others wouldn't reciprocate (we avoided controversial conversation -- politics, etc).  Now I've determined after talking to some of the people I'm close to that a lot of people are uncomfortable with hosting -- and a lot of this has to do with the fact that we've become such a consumer-driven society where "eating out" is associated with socializing.  Quite frankly, a lot of people don't know how to cook, or set a table, or feel a lot of pressure to be "on."  But then, going out is expensive and limits frequency and is often kind of a waste.  That is why I've become a fan of the potluck/all hands on deck approach.  I always tell people to be casual and not worry about what to bring.  I always say, "We may end up with four pans of macaroni and cheese and smores.  Wouldn't that be awesome!"

Um...no, it would not be awesome. Pasta, cookies, chocolate, cheese...kind of makes me want to throw up. :D That being said, I also love the approach you mentioned. Super fun!!! I've never been one for the whole community thing, but when I drink enough to introduce myself to my neighbors, it usually winds up being pretty cool.
===========================================================================================
All that being said, I've found that it's nice taking a step back from everything, get drunk, and go wandering about!! It's really expanded my social circle :D.

[sobezen]

This is exactly what I miss that previous generations more commonly experienced, a strong connection with their neighbors and simple pleasures involving good company.  Glad you have a good neighbor that appreciates and reciprocates your generosity.

[tanhanivar]

I used to invite people over but now with my daughter I don't feel like things say clean enough to have people over.  I feel bad that we no longer have that cheaper socializing.

I eventually decided I was doing people a favour, inviting them to my messy house, because it made them feel so much better about their own!

They still come over. And the two most regular have their own keys & the run of the place, so they deal with it.

Similarly, my mother waited to vacuum until AFTER the visitors-with-children left.

[sheepstache]

There are a couple differences between going to somebody's house vs. eating out. 

One is that being invited to someone's home is taken as a sign of more intimacy than meeting outside the home.  Perhaps people just don't feel that close to you and worry that the relationship is lopsided. 

The second thing is that a restaurant is a more controlled environment and comes with time limits.  There's a bit more ritual and pattern in a restaurant meal which can make people feel like they have a handle on the evening and then when the meal ends you have an excuse to leave.  Typically when I eat over at a friend's house, when the meal ends is just when the socializing starts.  When I eat at a friend's house that pretty much takes up my whole evening--which is good, because they're really good friends--whereas after eating out I can still get home at a reasonable hour and get some stuff done.  In fact, I would feel pretty rude going over to someone's house and leaving right after dinner. 

It doesn't have to be this way, of course.  If we can make clear to potential guests that we mean hosting/potluck to be a substitution for eating out, then it drops the other connotations. 

[soccerluvof4]

I wish our neighborhood was more like that but in all fairness I have become one of them. Everyone comes and goes like busy little beavers. We have 35 homes in our subdivision and I dont know one person. I have nodded and said hello but it seems a neighborhood of busy lives. I know what your talking about though as our last neighborhood was very much like that and it was alot of fun plus made you feel more part of a community. Perhaps it will change as we have had about 5 new families move in in the last year. Thats how it was when i was a kid but then all the houses had front porches on them and people would gather.

[jordanread]

I wish our neighborhood was more like that but in all fairness I have become one of them. Everyone comes and goes like busy little beavers. We have 35 homes in our subdivision and I dont know one person. I have nodded and said hello but it seems a neighborhood of busy lives. I know what your talking about though as our last neighborhood was very much like that and it was alot of fun plus made you feel more part of a community. Perhaps it will change as we have had about 5 new families move in in the last year. Thats how it was when i was a kid but then all the houses had front porches on them and people would gather.

Makes me wonder how successful some of the starting a movement things would be. Just have a bbq, say hello to everyone walking by, invite them over, put out chairs, whatever. I bet it would be interesting to see how the neighborhood shifted (and it would). The SO and I are moving in the next year or two, but I'll definitely try something like that when I do move (since it wouldn't work here...they already know I'm crazy).

It reminds me of this video.

[sobezen]

How many Mustachians actively try to connect with their neighbors and promote community?  This practice actually helped me before when my place was vandalized by a drunken idiot who smashed windows and slashed car tires in-front of my house.  My neighbors confronted him and told him to stop/leave or they would call the police.  In the end it was a laughable scene straight out of the COPS tv show.  No one was hurt except the moronic drunk who subsequently earned himself a restraining order and if I wanted I could've taken him to small claims court along with my two other roommates.  Since then my neighbors even created a neighborhood watch which also increased community involvement and helped connect each other on a more primal goal, safety.  I feel if it was not for my neighbors and the close relationship I built with them things easily could have spiraled to assault and breaking and entering.  So what are your good and not so good stories where developing a sense of community helped your family?  Cheers!

[dcheesi]

I used to invite people over but now with my daughter I don't feel like things say clean enough to have people over.  I feel bad that we no longer have that cheaper socializing.

I eventually decided I was doing people a favour, inviting them to my messy house, because it made them feel so much better about their own!

They still come over. And the two most regular have their own keys & the run of the place, so they deal with it.

Similarly, my mother waited to vacuum until AFTER the visitors-with-children left.

This XKCD sums it up nicely:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mess.png

[jordanread]

How many Mustachians actively try to connect with their neighbors and promote community?  This practice actually helped me before when my place was vandalized by a drunken idiot who smashed windows and slashed car tires in-front of my house.  My neighbors confronted him and told him to stop/leave or they would call the police.  In the end it was a laughable scene straight out of the COPS tv show.  No one was hurt except the moronic drunk who subsequently earned himself a restraining order and if I wanted I could've taken him to small claims court along with my two other roommates.  Since then my neighbors even created a neighborhood watch which also increased community involvement and helped connect each other on a more primal goal, safety.  I feel if it was not for my neighbors and the close relationship I built with them things easily could have spiraled to assault and breaking and entering.  So what are your good and not so good stories where developing a sense of community helped your family?  Cheers!

I wish I had a cool story. I was drunk when I started relationships with all of my neighbors, so I don't actually remember how it happened. We don't do dinner (I don't like them that much) but we'll occasionally BBQ, and the children bounce between all the different houses as they play throughout the day.