Author Topic: I think today may be the day I quit  (Read 44298 times)

CheapskateWife

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #200 on: November 30, 2017, 03:39:16 PM »
Holy crap...that you haven't summarily ejected your FIL from your home is a miracle and he should be kissing the ground you walk on for your patience.

That being said...what's it going to take for DH to see that this man is toxic and needs to be gone?

Laura33

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #201 on: December 01, 2017, 07:47:42 AM »
DH was like you really need to stop being a sexist asshole, now get up and help me with the dishes.

That is the only possible response in that situation.  +1 to your DH.

Clearly your FIL acts that way because he can.  He gets away with acting like a schmuck because it's easier for everyone around him to put up with his bullshit than it is to force him to shape up or ship out. 

I don't do well with spoiled.  My rule with my kids is if you act like a 4-year-old, I'll treat you like a 4-year-old.  Which generally translates into "if you are taking everything I do for granted, I've clearly made life too easy for you, so time to step up your game and contribute more.  You now get to cook dinner for us once a week."* 

In short, sounds to me like FIL needs a chore chart.  Perhaps if his current female support** becomes less comfy, he'll find a new one to leech off of.

*Pretty close to verbatim conversation with then-12-yr-old DD.  Subsequent squawking, whining, etc. edited for brevity.

**That would be you.

MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #202 on: December 04, 2017, 11:04:40 AM »
Holy crap...that you haven't summarily ejected your FIL from your home is a miracle and he should be kissing the ground you walk on for your patience.

That being said...what's it going to take for DH to see that this man is toxic and needs to be gone?

Oh DH knows he's toxic, but still feels somewhat responsible for him.  He needs to reach the part where he stops caring that the muck is his father.  My grandmother was the same way, it took my mom years before she cut her off.  I'm hoping DH comes to grips soon.  We are essentially waiting to see if he has a tumor on his back, that comes in a couple of weeks.  If it's not cancer, we are planning on having a coming to Jesus with him.  Every time we try to get him to do something he complains about his back hurting and that he has to sit.

In the meantime I've stopped doing anything for him.  I make breakfast and if he's not downstairs already, he doesn't get any (he usually doesn't leave his room until around noon). Same goes for dinner, foods there but if he's not downstairs he gets none.  I've directed him to pick up the dog poop weekly, but have to constantly remind him.  I was going to take care of trying to settle his credit card debts for him (so that he can start saving for a place to live) but told him this past weekend since he hasn't taken any initiative in regards to powers of attorneys, or to even update his will to remove his ex wife I won't do it. (PS we already know if there is anything it's not going to us, it's going to the two half brothers who don't speak to him).  I've told my husband that the ONLY thing I will do for him is take him to the doctors appointments (he doesn't have a car)

Money Badger

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #203 on: December 05, 2017, 08:21:44 PM »
Speaking as a veteran caregiver for 23 years (starting at age 22!), I suggest that you tell DH that even driving FIL to appointments is not your job.    If FIL is cognizant, he gets to Uber or otherwise carry himself.   The more he realizes it's his neck on the line that he has to deal with, the better he'll behave.  If it leads to a medical event, so be it as his poor choices are NOT YOUR FAULT.    Further, you have to get out of that house OR get FIL into an apartment (with day time non-medical help). OR if it is cancer or a medical reason, into Assisted Living at the lowest level of care.   You'd be amazed at how quickly FIL shapes up after 30 days in Assisted Living.   Also, the other family members get 90 day rotations with FIL if the money matters can't be sorted out.   There is no reason a family with multiple siblings should ever move a parent into one house permanently.   They will come up with all the sob stories you can image (I heard them all), but that's the way it is.    I'm reliving some very painful years with this, but just know that it's inevitable that you'll snap and hurt yourself or DH or both the way this is headed.   God's Peace!

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #204 on: December 09, 2017, 02:01:51 AM »
"change is happening" is the final nail in the coffin in my opinion.  If you accept the deal to stay, the deal will be moot if there is a change in leadership.  There is too much chaos and juvenile behavior to put up with it.  You have a great stash and a supportive husband.  If I were you I'd definitely leave.

Stress related diseases are no joke.  I'm in a stressful industry and I see people come down with cancer often and wonder if it's related.  Life is just too short. I understand what you are dealing with with your parents.  I was the executor for my mother's estate.  She died at 67 after struggling with cancer for a year.  She worked until she died.  This is the reason I am pursuing early retirement - I don't want to end up like my mother.  I want to get out of industry and into something that I create on my own.  To be a producer instead of a consumer.  I hope you find what you are looking for.

Stress related diseases are real, definitely.  A coworker friend of mine almost bled out on the operating room table from ulcers the day he finished a huge very stressful project.  The doctor said he'd never seen anyone with three ulcers.

Oooooh how appropriate.  So guess who landed herself in the ER on Tuesday with one, yup, that would be me. 

CEO is now trying to convince me to stay, offered up working from home full time as an option.  That would eliminate my hour each way commute (we bought the house here before they set up the office). 

To Frugal.  With the parents yes, it is on me to "fix things" why?  Because there is no one else.  It's either, let them wallow and die, or try to help.  It's just Dh and I, there is no one else to help.
 
Also, it's literally my job to fix things at work, that's what I get paid to do. I bridge the gap between development and our customers, amongst other things.   It's a very small company, around 25 people, no HR department, it's kind of like the wild west over the years. My boss and I are the only females.  People just do what they "think" is best and it hasn't worked out so well.  In some cases they do what they "think" is best even though I'm telling them our customers are asking for X, so they build Y, then want me to pitch that Y is actually better than X, even when they are totally not even near related to each other.  I've LITERALLY been told before that "what do you know, you're just a chick".  It's infuriating to have to fight with your own people to do the job you were hired to do.

I don't think my job is hard, or even vital, I think a well trained monkey could do my job.  The reason they are having a heart attack I think is two fold. 1.  No one else wants to do my job, they all pretty much hate dealing with other people and 2.  I'm the only one in the new office with the new management.  I think they fear if I leave, it sends a message to the other office (the one with the asshole sales folks in it), that faith has been lost in the new management strategy and since there is no moral left in the company then it could start an exodus, and we are cut so thin that there is no one to pick up the slack anymore.  Everyone is tapped out.

And yes, I do care WAY to much about this place, I was employee number 5, it's a mixture of fear of personal failure to not see it through to the end, and Stockholm syndrome. DH made me watch something called who moved my cheese, it was very fitting.

Wow, Mishmash, just read your whole thread and all I can say is congratulations on leaving your toxic job environment! 

As usual, I agree fully with Laura33's input.  You have needs.  You have to take care of yourself.  First.  Then others.

I notice that, as a theme: whether it's your job, the FIL, etc. - you find it hard to take care of yourself, and you take on the needs of others - so much so that it leads to your own downfall at times. 

I highly recommend this book. (warning: link/referral)  It's an awesome place to start with exercises and things to think through those things and ensure that you're loving yourself well enough.  You're already moving forward in this, even without that (such as by ditching the job), but I would really love to come back a year later and see how your life is even more free and fulfilling. 

Hope to see you around the forums! 

scottish

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #205 on: December 09, 2017, 10:22:53 AM »
That looks like a good book.  Thank you!

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #206 on: December 22, 2017, 02:06:12 PM »
That looks like a good book.  Thank you!

Sure, any time!

It's solid gold as far as I'm concerned.  And I second SC93 - who, incidentally, I think I saw recommending the same book around here the other day.  (Or maybe it was robartsd.)  In any event, thank you, and I hope you find it as useful as I have.

MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #207 on: January 01, 2018, 09:24:35 AM »
That looks like a good book.  Thank you!

Sure, any time!

It's solid gold as far as I'm concerned.  And I second SC93 - who, incidentally, I think I saw recommending the same book around here the other day.  (Or maybe it was robartsd.)  In any event, thank you, and I hope you find it as useful as I have.

Yea that does look pretty good.  Have a feeling I am going to need it, I had the spinal surgery and it was worse then they even thought (and I literally had a doc look at my MRI and go OH SHIT).  Some of the pain is lessened, but it's still not tolerable, it'll be a few months of PT before we know but there is a chance I may be permanently disabled...

Cassie

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #208 on: January 01, 2018, 11:20:42 AM »
I would put your FIL on some lists for low income senior housing.  Also there is section 8 housing where the government pays your rent and the landlord agrees to take what they pay.  The benefit to the landlord is that they know they will get the rent.   Another possibility is a group home for seniors. They have staff that looks after people, takes them to appointments, cooks, etc.  You need to do something for your own mental health.  Once he has to pay rent, etc he will realize he can't make his payments and will have to go bankrupt.  Sending you a big hug:))

Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #209 on: January 01, 2018, 01:19:07 PM »
That looks like a good book.  Thank you!

Sure, any time!

It's solid gold as far as I'm concerned.  And I second SC93 - who, incidentally, I think I saw recommending the same book around here the other day.  (Or maybe it was robartsd.)  In any event, thank you, and I hope you find it as useful as I have.

Yea that does look pretty good.  Have a feeling I am going to need it, I had the spinal surgery and it was worse then they even thought (and I literally had a doc look at my MRI and go OH SHIT).  Some of the pain is lessened, but it's still not tolerable, it'll be a few months of PT before we know but there is a chance I may be permanently disabled...

I am so sorry - I hope you recover well and that it turns out better than expected.  My prayers are certainly with you. 

dougules

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #210 on: January 02, 2018, 10:59:30 AM »
That looks like a good book.  Thank you!

Sure, any time!

It's solid gold as far as I'm concerned.  And I second SC93 - who, incidentally, I think I saw recommending the same book around here the other day.  (Or maybe it was robartsd.)  In any event, thank you, and I hope you find it as useful as I have.

Yea that does look pretty good.  Have a feeling I am going to need it, I had the spinal surgery and it was worse then they even thought (and I literally had a doc look at my MRI and go OH SHIT).  Some of the pain is lessened, but it's still not tolerable, it'll be a few months of PT before we know but there is a chance I may be permanently disabled...

I hope things turn out well.  That is a bit unnerving (no pun intended).  It's good to hear you're making sure to take care of yourself, though. 

SC93

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #211 on: January 02, 2018, 11:21:13 AM »
It was me the other day but I think others have in the past. Boundaries should be a book that everyone reads; especially those that have a hard time setting them.

MrMoneyMullet

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #212 on: January 02, 2018, 06:15:45 PM »
I really enjoyed reading through this thread. Thanks for sharing, MishMash!


Finances_With_Purpose

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #213 on: January 03, 2018, 07:54:09 AM »
It was me the other day but I think others have in the past. Boundaries should be a book that everyone reads; especially those that have a hard time setting them.

Agreed.  It should almost be required reading at some point, as all of us have to deal with those issues over and over again.