Author Topic: I think today may be the day I quit  (Read 31228 times)

MishMash

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I think today may be the day I quit
« on: April 03, 2017, 08:01:59 AM »
Long and short of it, I've been in this job for a while, it is soul sucking and dead end, completely without the prospect of promotion or anything other than inflation adjusted raises.  The pay is good but I think the company will be gone within a year or two due to bad business decisions (a large one being we have more "management" than actual employees working since a ton of people quit and haven't been replaced).   

The work is not hard, it's fairly easy, but my job has morphed into listening to people bitch all day, nothing getting fixed so the bitching to me gets worse as the week goes on, and then I deal with a sales team that has run amok and has ZERO accountability for their failings. Seriously, none of them have met numbers for 2 YEARS and they are bffs with the CEO so no one gets even a slap on the wrist, even when they behave like sexist twat waffles.

Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

DH isn't 100% on board, if he was this would be easier, largely because he's stuck working for 4-7 more years for his pension and he wants some expensive toys, so I'll probably get another job after taking a month or so off.  Doing what? No idea.

Cash wise, we'll be fine, DHs salary can pay the bills (even though I feel like a parasite), we have a total net worth of 1.5mil 1.4 of it investable and DH will get a military pension in 4ish years.

TheAnonOne

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2017, 08:06:26 AM »
With 1.4m invested, most here would be FIREd, you have a pension coming as well.

FINANCIALLY, you should quit, but that obviously isn't the issue here.

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Slee_stack

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2017, 08:18:50 AM »
It sounds like you are ready for it, but need to just get over the mental/emotional hurdle and do it.

What you've described you've dealt with thus far sounds awful.  Even if you had to tighten a belt or feel 'poorer' for awhile, would it still not be better then the never-ending dread you currently face?

I empathize as we are chasing pension too and I also fear resentment will build if one of us forced to stick it out to get it while the other gets to 'coast'.

As a compromise, I think we are both fine as long as we are both making an 'effort'.  If that effort means one quits and takes an 'easy' and low paying job, thats still plenty fine.

It comes down to your personal dynamic.  Good luck and find a far better environment for yourself!


To TheAnonOne;
As far as having enough now, a pension might also bring early health bennies and can reduce overall risk to virtually zero.  Its not something to lightly throw away.  Marriages can also breed resentment if one person has to slug along for years because they are the pension 'winner'.  That persons feelings need to be considered.


Dave1442397

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2017, 08:22:57 AM »
Why not look for another job now, and when you find it, tell them you need a few weeks before you start and give yourself time to recharge.

MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2017, 08:29:57 AM »
It sounds like you are ready for it, but need to just get over the mental/emotional hurdle and do it.

What you've described you've dealt with thus far sounds awful.  Even if you had to tighten a belt or feel 'poorer' for awhile, would it still not be better then the never-ending dread you currently face?

I empathize as we are chasing pension too and I also fear resentment will build if one of us forced to stick it out to get it while the other gets to 'coast'.

As a compromise, I think we are both fine as long as we are both making an 'effort'.  If that effort means one quits and takes an 'easy' and low paying job, thats still plenty fine.

It comes down to your personal dynamic.  Good luck and find a far better environment for yourself!


To TheAnonOne;
As far as having enough now, a pension might also bring early health bennies and can reduce overall risk to virtually zero.  Its not something to lightly throw away.  Marriages can also breed resentment if one person has to slug along for years because they are the pension 'winner'.  That persons feelings need to be considered.

And that's just it, I don't want the resentment to build up since he's the one that will be bringing in the health benefits and inflation adjusted pension. DH wants his toys, I can't blame him, he's earned them, however the cost of those is not currently in the savings since we plan on living in a HCOL area.  I want to be able to provide that for him. 

On the other side, my boss still isn't in the office....and neither is ANY of senior management.  Apparently it's opening day of baseball...because that's more important on the first day after the end of another failed quarter then it would be to come in and rip your failed sales team a new one. 

Villanelle

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2017, 08:33:24 AM »
It sounds like things have been bad for a while.  Have you been looking for something else and been unable to find it? Even taking a pay cut, it seems like it would be worth it to get out, but I'm curious about whether you've been unable to find anything at all, or whether you haven't yet looked.

Since your Dh still has to work and you fear resentment and don't seem entirely comfortable with not working, it seems like the compromise might be to quit, but not take that month off.  If you can stand it commit to one month of intense job searching, after which you can quit your current position whether you've found something else or not.  Showing your partner--and yourself--that you are truly working to find another way to contribute financially might do a lot of good.

Is there any way you can engineer a lay off? 

MandyM

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2017, 08:38:50 AM »
It sounds like you are ready for it, but need to just get over the mental/emotional hurdle and do it.

What you've described you've dealt with thus far sounds awful.  Even if you had to tighten a belt or feel 'poorer' for awhile, would it still not be better then the never-ending dread you currently face?

I empathize as we are chasing pension too and I also fear resentment will build if one of us forced to stick it out to get it while the other gets to 'coast'.

As a compromise, I think we are both fine as long as we are both making an 'effort'.  If that effort means one quits and takes an 'easy' and low paying job, thats still plenty fine.

It comes down to your personal dynamic.  Good luck and find a far better environment for yourself!


To TheAnonOne;
As far as having enough now, a pension might also bring early health bennies and can reduce overall risk to virtually zero.  Its not something to lightly throw away.  Marriages can also breed resentment if one person has to slug along for years because they are the pension 'winner'.  That persons feelings need to be considered.

And that's just it, I don't want the resentment to build up since he's the one that will be bringing in the health benefits and inflation adjusted pension. DH wants his toys, I can't blame him, he's earned them, however the cost of those is not currently in the savings since we plan on living in a HCOL area.  I want to be able to provide that for him. 

On the other side, my boss still isn't in the office....and neither is ANY of senior management.  Apparently it's opening day of baseball...because that's more important on the first day after the end of another failed quarter then it would be to come in and rip your failed sales team a new one.

I can't speak from personal experience, but there have been a few stories on the forum about one spouse quitting a soul-sucking job. Sometimes the end result has huge benefits for both that come from just being a happier person. A better you is good for both you and your husband in ways that don't always show up on a spreadsheet.
"Freedom lies in being bold." -Robert Frost

GU

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2017, 08:47:53 AM »
Have you told your husband how much of a negative impact on your life the job is having on you?  I can't imagine that if I was in your financial situation, I would force my spouse to keep to going to such a negative job everyday. 

If you're not willing to quit outright, you could look for another job, and/or slack off hardcore at your current job. Just check out mentally, take an "I don't really care" attitude, and see how long you can coast.  If you're truly close to retirement, the reputational hit you would possibly take shouldn't matter much.  I wouldn't always recommend this, because I think it can be shady to slack on a business full of decent people, but it sounds like your workplace is populated by schmucks. 

Laura33

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2017, 08:54:25 AM »
I am going to tell you the same thing I told myself when I was in my horrible, horrible job:  no job is worth your self-respect and mental health.

That's it.  Done.  Nothing more to discuss here. 

Quit.  Breathe.  Then go look for another job if you need to for the sake of your relationship (I, too, am working largely due to DH's desire for a more spendy lifestyle, so I get that particular frustration).  But for now, for the love of Pete, quit for your own sanity and well-being.  Now.  Today. 

Then go post all the details on the "Epic FU money stories" thread.  We will be waiting with bated breath.  :-)
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rantk81

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2017, 08:54:50 AM »
Long and short of it, I've been in this job for a while, it is soul sucking and dead end, completely without the prospect of promotion or anything other than inflation adjusted raises.  The pay is good but I think the company will be gone within a year or two due to bad business decisions (a large one being we have more "management" than actual employees working since a ton of people quit and haven't been replaced).   

The work is not hard, it's fairly easy, but my job has morphed into listening to people bitch all day, nothing getting fixed so the bitching to me gets worse as the week goes on, and then I deal with a sales team that has run amok and has ZERO accountability for their failings. Seriously, none of them have met numbers for 2 YEARS and they are bffs with the CEO so no one gets even a slap on the wrist, even when they behave like sexist twat waffles.

Wow, do we work for the same company?

At my job, I have "mentally checked out" already (as described by a prior post)...  It has reduced my stress quite a bit, and seems to be working out fine for me for over a year now.


Giro

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2017, 08:55:06 AM »
agree with GU.

You need to stop taking this so personally and allowing it to affect your life.  This is a job, it's not your life.  I know that's a lot easier said than done, but you need to try for sure if you don't quit now.  Start looking for new jobs today! 

I empathize with the spouse as well.  If your goals as a couple are to retire early and you retire now and he has to work 4 more years, it would probably raise a bit of resentment.

goodluck to you.  Jobs should not affect your health to this degree.


MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2017, 08:57:55 AM »
It sounds like things have been bad for a while.  Have you been looking for something else and been unable to find it? Even taking a pay cut, it seems like it would be worth it to get out, but I'm curious about whether you've been unable to find anything at all, or whether you haven't yet looked.

Since your Dh still has to work and you fear resentment and don't seem entirely comfortable with not working, it seems like the compromise might be to quit, but not take that month off.  If you can stand it commit to one month of intense job searching, after which you can quit your current position whether you've found something else or not.  Showing your partner--and yourself--that you are truly working to find another way to contribute financially might do a lot of good.

Is there any way you can engineer a lay off?

I think CheapskateWife was the one that told me this a couple of years ago.  I feel paralyzed trying to find something else kind of like Stockholm syndrome, and going for interviews is damn near impossible in the current environment.  It's a small professional community, I'd essentially be job searching at our customers offices which has and will get back to everyone in the office here within 24 hours and is actually a violation of my employment contract.  It states I can't contact customer accounts about job opportunities while employed and for up to 3 months after employment ends.  I'm not even sure that's legal, but I know they are vindictive enough to enforce it (folks have been fired with cause and denied unemployment) in the past.  I believe it also includes a mandatory year bonus repayment.  We didn't get bonuses this past year so that couldn't be enforced. 

I think their mentality (based off of some of the stuff I've heard at work about spendypants ways) is that no one could afford to take 3 months off of work, so it's a way to try and force people to stay.

Slee_stack

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2017, 09:28:35 AM »
You may not need to replace 100% of your income.

Get a job OUTSIDE of your field.

Yes, the paycut may be shocking.

If that's the cost to make you happy AND avoid resentment, it sounds like a win.  Discuss it with your spouse and see if he's OK with it.

big_slacker

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2017, 10:06:39 AM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

Last Night

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #14 on: April 03, 2017, 10:06:56 AM »
Why don't you go on "stress leave" for a couple of months, get paid and figure out your transition.

Last Night

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #15 on: April 03, 2017, 10:08:01 AM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

This can't be said enough times.  His toys aren't more important than your health.


MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #16 on: April 03, 2017, 10:44:44 AM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

My husband is a member of a highly specialized military unit, where his literal life is on the line routinely (and he is currently deployed, left the day after said miscarriage) so sympathy to stressful situations that are less than that, really aren't his forte, he's more of a suck it up buttercup kind of guy.  He can help you take over the world, but empathy is not one of his strong character traits. FI was more my idea after he broke his leg on an halo jump and I realized years ago that there is a LARGE chance of him getting disabled permanently, or worse. 

He worries about work, I pretty much do 100% of everything else, to include dealing with his father, and my mother, who are god damn wrecks (his dad due to poor decisions my mom due to a car accident and severe TBI).

There really isn't much he can help with though, his work, training and deployment schedule is insane and erratic, and only getting worse.  So something has got to give and the only thing I can change is soul sucking job. 

PS, I'm one of two people in the office today, me and a developer...no one else bothered showing up.

Scortius

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #17 on: April 03, 2017, 10:46:24 AM »
One thing to consider, read the FU stories and notice all the people who walked away, only to find a better job with an equal or higher salary.  People constantly sell themselves short by staying safe in their current job.  You might be surprised at what you find if you go look around for something new.

Pigeon

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #18 on: April 03, 2017, 11:19:18 AM »
If you can't do it anymore, you can't do it anymore. 

The idea that looking for a new job will get back to your employer who will wreck vengeance upon you might happen.  OTOH, you might just find a new and better job and your employer will be too distracted watching baseball games to even notice.

I would try to stop making excuses for your husband.  Sure, he has a tough job.  So do you between work and taking care of old people.  Maybe it's time for him to learn a little empathy for the person he loves.

dougules

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #19 on: April 03, 2017, 11:35:04 AM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

My husband is a member of a highly specialized military unit, where his literal life is on the line routinely (and he is currently deployed, left the day after said miscarriage) so sympathy to stressful situations that are less than that, really aren't his forte, he's more of a suck it up buttercup kind of guy.  He can help you take over the world, but empathy is not one of his strong character traits. FI was more my idea after he broke his leg on an halo jump and I realized years ago that there is a LARGE chance of him getting disabled permanently, or worse. 

He worries about work, I pretty much do 100% of everything else, to include dealing with his father, and my mother, who are god damn wrecks (his dad due to poor decisions my mom due to a car accident and severe TBI).

There really isn't much he can help with though, his work, training and deployment schedule is insane and erratic, and only getting worse.  So something has got to give and the only thing I can change is soul sucking job. 

PS, I'm one of two people in the office today, me and a developer...no one else bothered showing up.

I understand the suck it up buttercup mentality, but don't forget that military veterans have roughly twice the suicide rate of civilians.  The Army is trying to train its folks to take a more modern approach to mental health to curb the problem.  It's one thing when you're having to suck it up and put your mental health, as well as physical health, on the line to keep the country safe.  I'm guessing your job isn't worth the same risks, right?

I don't know how to get your husband to understand that, but there has to be a way. 

mm1970

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #20 on: April 03, 2017, 11:52:22 AM »
It sounds like you are ready for it, but need to just get over the mental/emotional hurdle and do it.

What you've described you've dealt with thus far sounds awful.  Even if you had to tighten a belt or feel 'poorer' for awhile, would it still not be better then the never-ending dread you currently face?

I empathize as we are chasing pension too and I also fear resentment will build if one of us forced to stick it out to get it while the other gets to 'coast'.

As a compromise, I think we are both fine as long as we are both making an 'effort'.  If that effort means one quits and takes an 'easy' and low paying job, thats still plenty fine.

It comes down to your personal dynamic.  Good luck and find a far better environment for yourself!


To TheAnonOne;
As far as having enough now, a pension might also bring early health bennies and can reduce overall risk to virtually zero.  Its not something to lightly throw away.  Marriages can also breed resentment if one person has to slug along for years because they are the pension 'winner'.  That persons feelings need to be considered.

And that's just it, I don't want the resentment to build up since he's the one that will be bringing in the health benefits and inflation adjusted pension. DH wants his toys, I can't blame him, he's earned them, however the cost of those is not currently in the savings since we plan on living in a HCOL area.  I want to be able to provide that for him. 

On the other side, my boss still isn't in the office....and neither is ANY of senior management.  Apparently it's opening day of baseball...because that's more important on the first day after the end of another failed quarter then it would be to come in and rip your failed sales team a new one.
are you in DC? Just wondering, because you mentioned HCOL and I have a good friend who just posted a pic of himself at the Nats game

mm1970

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #21 on: April 03, 2017, 11:56:41 AM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

My husband is a member of a highly specialized military unit, where his literal life is on the line routinely (and he is currently deployed, left the day after said miscarriage) so sympathy to stressful situations that are less than that, really aren't his forte, he's more of a suck it up buttercup kind of guy.  He can help you take over the world, but empathy is not one of his strong character traits. FI was more my idea after he broke his leg on an halo jump and I realized years ago that there is a LARGE chance of him getting disabled permanently, or worse. 

He worries about work, I pretty much do 100% of everything else, to include dealing with his father, and my mother, who are god damn wrecks (his dad due to poor decisions my mom due to a car accident and severe TBI).

There really isn't much he can help with though, his work, training and deployment schedule is insane and erratic, and only getting worse.  So something has got to give and the only thing I can change is soul sucking job. 

PS, I'm one of two people in the office today, me and a developer...no one else bothered showing up.

I understand the suck it up buttercup mentality, but don't forget that military veterans have roughly twice the suicide rate of civilians.  The Army is trying to train its folks to take a more modern approach to mental health to curb the problem.  It's one thing when you're having to suck it up and put your mental health, as well as physical health, on the line to keep the country safe.  I'm guessing your job isn't worth the same risks, right?

I don't know how to get your husband to understand that, but there has to be a way.

Yes!  I spent time in the military, and my own family has this mentality.

Which is great for getting things done, but for long term mental health - YOU HAVE TO BE AWARE of issues and not just shove them to the wayside.  They can eat you alive.

rulesofacquisition

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2017, 12:47:02 PM »
"sexist twat waffles"


Wow, I'm going to remember that one. Seriously, I'm very sorry for your loss. No job is worth your health, or your happiness either.

emiloots

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2017, 01:18:43 PM »
Stop talking yourself out of it and quit!  No job is worth your health, you're in a good financial position to give yourself a break and look for a new gig.  After staying in the same job for 14 years, I've finally started looking to move.  The prospect terrified me, my DH kept telling me I was selling myself short....guess what, I had three interviews within a week.  You will find a new job, take a 3 month hiatus so you're within your contract and move on with your life - you don't owe those assholes anything.       

Maybe this doesn't apply to you but to me as a woman I have guilt issues when it comes to putting myself first, maybe other women here can chime in.  Don't feel guilty for making yourself a priority!
« Last Edit: April 03, 2017, 01:34:14 PM by emiloots »

mwulff

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2017, 01:38:17 PM »
Speaking as someone who has had panic attacks and depression I can say with confidence that this is not worth it. Not for you or your husband.

I would quit instantly. Take a single month to de-compress and then start looking for a new job. You will probably find something very quickly, the economy is on the rise and things are looking up.

Just inform your husband that you won't take a stress-bullet to the brain for the bankaccount, but that you will get back to the action in a month or two. I suspect he will understand.

So just quit. Like right now, just don't ever go back. Drive in tomorrow morning. Leave laptop, keys, cellphone whatever. Pack up your stuff and go home. Done.

craiglepaige

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2017, 01:53:11 PM »
I read the first few comments and jumped to the reply part, so I apologise if I didn't read something that I should had

I'll be honest and say you may need marriage counseling just as much as a new job. To say your husband will be upset with you because he won't get his "expensive toys", specially after the information regarding the miscarriage, it seems like he's an a-hole and should be more sensitive to you.

Sorry you're dealing with this particular situation. Best of luck!
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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #26 on: April 03, 2017, 02:13:35 PM »
First of all let me say I am truly sorry to hear your pain.

Your husband should be able to recognize this as a 'triage-type' situation, i.e. like when the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.

Your job is quite literally killing you.  How do you expect to 'provide the toys your husband earned' if you aren't even around any longer?  Or possibly worse, what if you become broken to the point where you are a burden like your mother or his father?

You. Need. To. Quit!

Things will look much different once you shed this job baggage.  A happier you will go a long way to a happier marriage, and if you asked your husband if he'd like a bunch of shiny new toys or a shiny new YOU....he'd pick the latter.

I sincerely wish you the very best of luck....please do the right thing!!

caracarn

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #27 on: April 03, 2017, 02:19:17 PM »
So the points that jumped out at me:

If all the potential employers in the area are off limits per their non-compete that usually tends to be unenforceable.  They cannot make it impossible for you to find employment.  The bad part of this is if they do try to go after you it involves court and attorney fees, but you have some savings to deal with that.  Obviously talk it over with an attorney but that is what i have seen in most cases.  Unless you go to a competitor and intentionally steal their clients with proprietary information they usually can do very little.

Based on that small community as you mentioned, I would not advise an unprofessional separation, i.e. walk in tomorrow leave your laptop and say goodbye.  No new employer is going to be sympathetic to how horrible you tell them the environment is and I am sure they will already be doing plenty to sabotage your chances, so do not give them more ammunition.  Burning bridges, even though you are convinced you will never need them, tends to backfire when we least expect it.  You'll have to decide if it is bad enough to justify the drastic action.  Certainly a panic attack that paralyzes you in your car is pretty severe, so maybe it is, but just tossing this out as a thought to just give it one more think through before doing something this drastic.  Interviewing for a new job is hard enough.  Knowing your former employer wail just tell them (accurately) that you walked off the job with no notice will just concern a new employer about if you would do that to them and no real way to explain that away as complaining about former employer is also a no-no for making a good impression for a new employer.

GU

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #28 on: April 03, 2017, 03:43:38 PM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

My husband is a member of a highly specialized military unit, where his literal life is on the line routinely (and he is currently deployed, left the day after said miscarriage) so sympathy to stressful situations that are less than that, really aren't his forte, he's more of a suck it up buttercup kind of guy.  He can help you take over the world, but empathy is not one of his strong character traits. FI was more my idea after he broke his leg on an halo jump and I realized years ago that there is a LARGE chance of him getting disabled permanently, or worse. 

He worries about work, I pretty much do 100% of everything else, to include dealing with his father, and my mother, who are god damn wrecks (his dad due to poor decisions my mom due to a car accident and severe TBI).

There really isn't much he can help with though, his work, training and deployment schedule is insane and erratic, and only getting worse.  So something has got to give and the only thing I can change is soul sucking job. 

PS, I'm one of two people in the office today, me and a developer...no one else bothered showing up.

Dude sounds pretty badass, but a true badass doesn't make his wife work at a terrible job so he can drive a sports car.  All the guys in "The Right Stuff" for instance had stay-at-home wives.

Josiecat

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #29 on: April 03, 2017, 05:29:37 PM »
Please do give a professional termination notice.  If you just walk out and word gets around to other companies you may interview with in the future, it may not bode well for you.

TealBlue

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #30 on: April 03, 2017, 05:48:36 PM »
I agree with the others that you need to quit, but to do it in a professional manner.  You know what will cheer you up tonight?  Writing your resignation letter!

What would your husband say if you told him today that the stress was just too much for you and the environment was toxic and you were going to put in a two weeks notice tomorrow? 

neverrun

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2017, 06:03:18 PM »
If you can't do it anymore, you can't do it anymore. 

The idea that looking for a new job will get back to your employer who will wreck vengeance upon you might happen.  OTOH, you might just find a new and better job and your employer will be too distracted watching baseball games to even notice.

I would try to stop making excuses for your husband.  Sure, he has a tough job.  So do you between work and taking care of old people.  Maybe it's time for him to learn a little empathy for the person he loves.

This.  I know a lot of people like your husband being in a similar field but sounds like not quite to his level.  He is being a baby by discounting anything but his experience.

MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #32 on: April 03, 2017, 06:08:28 PM »
I assure you he's not an asshole, he's just delayed a lot of gratification along the way to give me what I want (FI), now we are kind of at the terminus where the next few years go towards the stuff he wanted.  It was an agreement we made many many years ago, and one I personally don't want to renege on.   

Delaying gratification in an organization where the general motto is live for now, you could die tomorrow is a very hard thing for him to do sometimes.   We live in a tiny townhouse, drive old cars etc.  Most of the people he works with have 3-5k sq ft houses, and almost every car in the parking lot is a new pickup truck or a BMW, heck, one dude owns a mini yacht that he spends the weekends on, that's just the culture. 

And in regards to him not realizing, he tries to feel empathetic, he really does, his brain's just not wired that way.  Empathy is pretty far down on my list of personality traits as well so I can understand it.  I'm just having trouble phrasing it in a way he WILL understand.  Like for me, my top personality trait is analytical.  You want to prove a point to me, show me the numbers, he hates numbers.  Him, when he hears these things he immediately jumps to how to make things work. He doesn't quite grasp the fact that I can't just tell someone to do something and they do it, or the fact that my company would have no issue throwing me under the bus (exception is my main boss, who is awesome). 

I know, if I can figure out the right way to word it, he'd be like oh..OK, fuck em.  But I need to find a way to sum it up in his language that gets straight to the point since we typically have like 5 minutes to talk, and he's been hyper focused, that's how he copes with grief.

Laura33

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #33 on: April 03, 2017, 06:10:42 PM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

My husband is a member of a highly specialized military unit, where his literal life is on the line routinely (and he is currently deployed, left the day after said miscarriage) so sympathy to stressful situations that are less than that, really aren't his forte, he's more of a suck it up buttercup kind of guy.  He can help you take over the world, but empathy is not one of his strong character traits. FI was more my idea after he broke his leg on an halo jump and I realized years ago that there is a LARGE chance of him getting disabled permanently, or worse. 

He worries about work, I pretty much do 100% of everything else, to include dealing with his father, and my mother, who are god damn wrecks (his dad due to poor decisions my mom due to a car accident and severe TBI).

There really isn't much he can help with though, his work, training and deployment schedule is insane and erratic, and only getting worse.  So something has got to give and the only thing I can change is soul sucking job. 

PS, I'm one of two people in the office today, me and a developer...no one else bothered showing up.

Dude sounds pretty badass, but a true badass doesn't make his wife work at a terrible job so he can drive a sports car.  All the guys in "The Right Stuff" for instance had stay-at-home wives.

This.  Man, this just gets worse.  Hellacious job AND not one but two aging-parent issues to deal with, plus all of the usual home responsibilities because he's deployed so much?  FFS.  Get OUT of that job -- yes, be professional give notice, but GET OUT.  You are asking way too much of any normal human.  And as to your DH, well, any reasonable human with the slightest bit of empathy will work his ass off to understand when you say "this is too much."

I think you are making the same mistake I made when my stepdad died: I worked my ass off to take care of my mom and ignored my own feelings -- because she had just lost her partner of 38 years, and I still at least had A dad (even if not the man who raised me), so I rated her needs higher than my own.  So I kept answering her calls and fixing her problems and ignoring my own stress and tamping down my feelings, and I kept at it and kept at it, until literally in the middle of the memorial service 3 months later I completely melted down and lost it.  And my stepsis (the licensed therapist) sat me down and said "your needs matter too."

Your needs matter too.  The fact that your husband has a dangerous and stressful job doesn't mean that the stresses in your own life don't matter.  Give yourself permission to treat your own needs as legitimate, and to take reasonable action to meet those needs.  And give your husband the chance to show what a stand-up guy he is by supporting your need for a break from this hellacious job on top of everything else.
Laugh while you can, monkey-boy

Laura33

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #34 on: April 03, 2017, 06:22:35 PM »
I assure you he's not an asshole, he's just delayed a lot of gratification along the way to give me what I want (FI), now we are kind of at the terminus where the next few years go towards the stuff he wanted.  It was an agreement we made many many years ago, and one I personally don't want to renege on.   

Delaying gratification in an organization where the general motto is live for now, you could die tomorrow is a very hard thing for him to do sometimes.   We live in a tiny townhouse, drive old cars etc.  Most of the people he works with have 3-5k sq ft houses, and almost every car in the parking lot is a new pickup truck or a BMW, heck, one dude owns a mini yacht that he spends the weekends on, that's just the culture. 

And in regards to him not realizing, he tries to feel empathetic, he really does, his brain's just not wired that way.  Empathy is pretty far down on my list of personality traits as well so I can understand it.  I'm just having trouble phrasing it in a way he WILL understand.  Like for me, my top personality trait is analytical.  You want to prove a point to me, show me the numbers, he hates numbers.  Him, when he hears these things he immediately jumps to how to make things work. He doesn't quite grasp the fact that I can't just tell someone to do something and they do it, or the fact that my company would have no issue throwing me under the bus (exception is my main boss, who is awesome). 

I know, if I can figure out the right way to word it, he'd be like oh..OK, fuck em.  But I need to find a way to sum it up in his language that gets straight to the point since we typically have like 5 minutes to talk, and he's been hyper focused, that's how he copes with grief.

"Hi honey.  Look, I couldn't take the job any more, so I put in my two-week notice today.  Because I have a noncompete, I plan to take the next three months to [insert things here, like get the parent issue settled], and then I will call all my contacts and start a serious job hunt.  I am sorry that this temporarily delays our plans, and I want nothing more than to talk it through with you when you are home and we have time, but please trust me when I say that I truly could not take it any more."

Or just "honey, I couldn't take it, I quit today."

Seriously.  It is not your job to find exactly the perfect words to translate everything into whatever precise version of Mars your husband speaks before you are allowed to think about getting the hell out of a situation that is overwhelming.  He is a grown-ass man, he can meet you partway.  And if he is half the man you think he is, he will understand that you did not act frivolously, even if he doesn't fully get the "why" of it all.
Laugh while you can, monkey-boy

retired?

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #35 on: April 03, 2017, 10:32:56 PM »
I don't know how HC your HCOL town is but w 1.4 plus a military pension AND  the opportunity for you to work after a break says to me you are fine financially.

I'll suggest this approach (as someone who got fed up and quit abruptly):

 - stay on but use the knowledge that you could quit to make it less stressful or bothersome.

 - take long lunches. Walks.

,-,start saying no at work. Sorry my plate is full.

It can be hard for upstanding people l, but if you don't care then don't act like you do.

Last thing.  Worst they can do is fire you.

And, I thank your husband for his service.

retired?

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #36 on: April 03, 2017, 10:39:04 PM »
Side note. No one here really knows your situation. Or anyone's for the most part. So you'll get advice or comments like

You need marriage counseling ASAP

He's selfish

You're selfish

Demand this or that

Soak it all in (take some objective advice like a leave of absence) and do what you probably felt was right from the get go.

Khanjar

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #37 on: April 03, 2017, 11:59:22 PM »
I assure you he's not an asshole, he's just delayed a lot of gratification along the way to give me what I want (FI), now we are kind of at the terminus where the next few years go towards the stuff he wanted.  It was an agreement we made many many years ago, and one I personally don't want to renege on.   

Delaying gratification in an organization where the general motto is live for now, you could die tomorrow is a very hard thing for him to do sometimes.   We live in a tiny townhouse, drive old cars etc.  Most of the people he works with have 3-5k sq ft houses, and almost every car in the parking lot is a new pickup truck or a BMW, heck, one dude owns a mini yacht that he spends the weekends on, that's just the culture. 

And in regards to him not realizing, he tries to feel empathetic, he really does, his brain's just not wired that way.  Empathy is pretty far down on my list of personality traits as well so I can understand it.  I'm just having trouble phrasing it in a way he WILL understand.  Like for me, my top personality trait is analytical. You want to prove a point to me, show me the numbers, he hates numbers.  Him, when he hears these things he immediately jumps to how to make things work. He doesn't quite grasp the fact that I can't just tell someone to do something and they do it, or the fact that my company would have no issue throwing me under the bus (exception is my main boss, who is awesome). 

I know, if I can figure out the right way to word it, he'd be like oh..OK, fuck em.  But I need to find a way to sum it up in his language that gets straight to the point since we typically have like 5 minutes to talk, and he's been hyper focused, that's how he copes with grief.

Ok, here are some numbers:
Your blood pressure.
Your heart rate.
The increased mortality figures for high stress and bullshit.

Run, don't walk, to the exit. Try the HR/Stress break as someone else suggested, if nothing else it might be a welcome break to reevaluate things, if not, you should know and have seen as a military spouse, all the bullshit military people put up with in the name of job security. Speaking as someone who left that job security, it was worth it. I know leaving my current job will also be worth it as well. Leaving whatever bullshit you put up with on a daily basis that is driving you crazy is worth it, and you have the time and resources to move forwards afterwards.

My mother quit a high stress/unenjoyable job making ~70k/year in insurance sales to work as a mortgage assistant with no experience starting at ~35k/year. In 2 years she fell upwards to assistant branch manager and will probably be pushing six figures.

Step back from the bullshit.
Breathe.
Breathe again.
Breathe a third time.

Now figure out how to communicate your despair to your husband, make a plan to move forward from where you are, and take the step. You've managed to save an incredibly healthy nest egg, and are obviously driven, you can afford a couple false steps and mistarts. What you can't afford, is further panic attacks, or other medical issues.

Lastly... try not to think about keeping up with the joneses, or delayed gratification with ever bigger and better toys. That goes for your husband, and your own thoughts on what your husband deserves. Will a toy hauler, a super expensive dune buggy, a sport boat, and other bullshit be worth the pain that you go through to afford it? You have 1.4 million dollars of various investments/savings? AND a military pension in 4 years... ~60k/year of basically guaranteed income(~90k + healthcare in 4 years?), and you can only think of what toys to buy with it, or how you might need more? How he doesn't have a BMW to park next to his other soldier's BMW's, or your house isn't as big and nice as theirs?
Your bank account is almost guaranteed to be an order of magnitude, possibly 2, better than theirs.
BMW's and McMansions and toys require upkeep and a constant flow of money out the door to keep running. With what you have saved, your life, reasonably lived, won't require any monetary injections. The other specops soldiers are probably like most NFL players, crack addicts to the song of more money.

That's a bottomless pit of materialism.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 12:14:40 AM by Khanjar »

Villanelle

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #38 on: April 04, 2017, 01:36:35 AM »
You're analytical, and it sounds like he is, too.  So what if you tell him that you will commit to working as long as it takes to make up the difference from the lost income (due to time off while unemployed and to a possibly lower salary)? Also, are there any cuts in the budget on your stuff that you can make, especially while unemployed?  You'll get your hair cut 50% less often and for cheaper, you'll give up the monthly cleaning lady and wash the cars yourself, whatever. 

It you make $100k now (number chosen for easy math) and end up being out of work for 6 months (3 without job searching, and another three to find a job), that's ~$40k less money coming in.  (6 months, but after taxes, and presumably slightly lower costs due to not commuting and more time to cook, etc., but run the real numbers for yourself.)  Then you find a new job making $75k. (Of course, the new job could pay the same, or more, but run a worst case.)  If you'd planned to work another 5 years before you quit, that's a difference of ~$100k (25k/5 years, but after taxes).  So in total, you are coming up $140k short, so you'd work an extra 2 years.  If he hates numbers, skip to the bottom line.  "I estimate this move will cost about $40k in lost income, and I'm willing to work extra time before retiring to make up that, and to make up any potential difference in income if the new job pays less.  I know we had an agreement, so I need you to know that I am absolutely going to honor that agreement, which is why I will do this in a way that has the absolute least impact on us financially as possible, while still allowing me to keep my sanity.  I will do whatever it takes to make up any short term difference."

Whatever the numbers are, show him that you are willing to rearrange things, and even commit to delaying your FIRE date, in order to make this happen--that you've come up with a plan to allow you to leave this horrendous job without having it affect the family finances.

Also, is there no other industry you can work in?  I don't suppose your work offers free legal consultations?  Heck, even a JAG might be able to tell you whether the contract is enforceable.  At the very least, start looking at anything that is outside the scope of your non-compete. No need to wait 3 months to do that.  You should have spousal preference for GS jobs, which isn't great, but it's something. 

alsoknownasDean

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #39 on: April 04, 2017, 03:45:59 AM »
Quit. Sigh with relief. Take a month or two off. Start looking for another job once you're ready.

Just do it. In six months you'll be glad you did :)

Just be glad you're not deep in debt and chained to the job.

neverrun

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #40 on: April 04, 2017, 04:41:36 AM »
If the disconnect between you and your DH on how you say things is what you say it is you need to quit the "right" explanation isn't all that important.  By not quitting you are telling him that this isn't as bad as you are making it out to be.  Remember words are not the only part of communication, actions are as well.  In his world actions count a lot.

RobFIRE

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #41 on: April 04, 2017, 09:08:59 AM »
I think in that situation I would resign immediately. Do it professionally, serve the minimum notice, do the standard hand over of work to my colleagues, then leave as soon as possible. No way that a job is worth serious health implications, and with over $1M in the bank you clearly have time to find another job.

The non-compete contract clause may or may not be enforcable. After taking a few weeks off to decompress and give yourself time to evaluate your next job, the three months may only be half that, you might wait it out, find a short term contract to cover the time, or move to a different industry: if you're in an HCOL area those places are normally cities with lots of different employers.

As has been mentioned, if your partner's issue with you quitting would be loss of income / reduction in salary, you can always make up the difference by working for a bit longer in your new role, if necessary.

little_brown_dog

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #42 on: April 04, 2017, 10:25:56 AM »
OP I am sorry for your repeat pregnancy losses. I also had back to back losses and man, that situation is SO FREAKING ROUGH.

At the time I had my losses, I was also in a toxic work environment. Everyone was severely overworked, and underpaid and the standards were sky high. Seriously, people were getting reprimanded for forgetting to see one email in hundreds they might have received. I had employees crying or breaking down pretty frequently. I had chronic migraines and would cry at night because I just didn't want to go to work the next day. I was getting BP readings in the 130s at my doc appointments despite being healthy and in my mid 20s. On an occasion or two, I called my husband crying on my way to work...saying I didn't know if I could bring myself to get on the train into work. I totally feel you.

After my 2nd loss, I took a few days off...cried a ton...and we made the decision that enough was enough. I cut my hours to part time (employer allowed it rather than lose me) and it was like the world changed over night. The headaches went away, the depression went away, and I successfully conceived my baby girl. At a massive 37 weeks pregnant, my BP peaked at a whopping 118...never got a reading over 120. Of course, it could have all been coincidence, but I don't think so. My reproductive specialist who I was working with also mentioned that she saw a ton of women like me...frazzled, stressed basketcases...and she suspected chronic stress was playing a role in fertility issues even though it hasn't been well studied. She was a huge supporter of me cutting back.

I must admit, I find it concerning that your husband doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation. I was lucky...my husband saw me drowning for a year and the loss of that 2nd baby sealed the deal for him. He was 100% supportive of me getting out of there, even though it slowed us down on some financial goals.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2017, 10:30:57 AM by little_brown_dog »

Prairie Stash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #43 on: April 04, 2017, 10:49:44 AM »
I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related
My deepest sympathies, its not an easy thing to discuss.

You should quit if you and your husband want children. Stress will cause miscarriages, its not something to be taken lightly.

If you had children would you still be working? Was that part of the plan your husband had was for him to deploy while you work and raise the children?

AnswerIs42

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #44 on: April 04, 2017, 10:51:16 AM »
+1 for getting out of there ASAP. This has gone way, way too far.

As far as the three month non-compete is concerned, after what you've been through, you're going to need those three months to recover anyway. Try and relax for those three months. Then try and find another job with your contacts. The non-compete is a perfect excuse for an employment gap.

dougules

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #45 on: April 04, 2017, 10:58:38 AM »
I assure you he's not an asshole, he's just delayed a lot of gratification along the way to give me what I want (FI), now we are kind of at the terminus where the next few years go towards the stuff he wanted.  It was an agreement we made many many years ago, and one I personally don't want to renege on.   

Would it really be reneging?  You're plan is to keep going just at another place, right?  If you have reasonable confidence you could find somewhere else to land I don't think you're compromising your side of the deal. 

PJC74

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #46 on: April 04, 2017, 11:07:08 AM »
your husband values toys (even though it sounds like your scrimping and scraping for a day to enjoy these toys, that may never even come) over his own future flesh and blood and his life partner.
 F'd up on so many levels..I feel very sorry for you :(

reminds of a family friend who lived like a homeless person, did retire at 55, but never got the chance to do all the things the $$ saved was to afford him; travel, beach house, etc. Passed away of heart attack at 57.

Like anything, overdoing a  good thing doesn't make it a great thing. Got to have a healthy balance.


MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #47 on: April 04, 2017, 11:16:58 AM »
Last week I had a full on panic attack in the parking lot, and physically could NOT get out of my car at work, I was literally paralyzed.  That's never happened to me before.  I spent the weekend pretty much in a massive depression, getting nothing done then came here and read a bunch of other folks were feeling the same kind of mental health issues.  I've been to therapy, they pretty much told me to quit the job, and I didn't.  I miscarried again earlier this year, the doc said it was probably stress related, so after ALL those signs, the last being said panic attack, I think I am done.

Jesus H, sounds like enough wakeup calls. Your husband not being onboard, does he have your health in mind or understand the severity of the problems? Stress related miscarriage, panic attacks, mental health pros telling you to quit? Fucking quit. Today. Jobs are not more important than your life. You can get another job if there are money issues.

My husband is a member of a highly specialized military unit, where his literal life is on the line routinely (and he is currently deployed, left the day after said miscarriage) so sympathy to stressful situations that are less than that, really aren't his forte, he's more of a suck it up buttercup kind of guy.  He can help you take over the world, but empathy is not one of his strong character traits. FI was more my idea after he broke his leg on an halo jump and I realized years ago that there is a LARGE chance of him getting disabled permanently, or worse. 

He worries about work, I pretty much do 100% of everything else, to include dealing with his father, and my mother, who are god damn wrecks (his dad due to poor decisions my mom due to a car accident and severe TBI).

There really isn't much he can help with though, his work, training and deployment schedule is insane and erratic, and only getting worse.  So something has got to give and the only thing I can change is soul sucking job. 

PS, I'm one of two people in the office today, me and a developer...no one else bothered showing up.

Dude sounds pretty badass, but a true badass doesn't make his wife work at a terrible job so he can drive a sports car.  All the guys in "The Right Stuff" for instance had stay-at-home wives.

This.  Man, this just gets worse.  Hellacious job AND not one but two aging-parent issues to deal with, plus all of the usual home responsibilities because he's deployed so much?  FFS.  Get OUT of that job -- yes, be professional give notice, but GET OUT.  You are asking way too much of any normal human.  And as to your DH, well, any reasonable human with the slightest bit of empathy will work his ass off to understand when you say "this is too much."

I think you are making the same mistake I made when my stepdad died: I worked my ass off to take care of my mom and ignored my own feelings -- because she had just lost her partner of 38 years, and I still at least had A dad (even if not the man who raised me), so I rated her needs higher than my own.  So I kept answering her calls and fixing her problems and ignoring my own stress and tamping down my feelings, and I kept at it and kept at it, until literally in the middle of the memorial service 3 months later I completely melted down and lost it.  And my stepsis (the licensed therapist) sat me down and said "your needs matter too."

Your needs matter too.  The fact that your husband has a dangerous and stressful job doesn't mean that the stresses in your own life don't matter.  Give yourself permission to treat your own needs as legitimate, and to take reasonable action to meet those needs.  And give your husband the chance to show what a stand-up guy he is by supporting your need for a break from this hellacious job on top of everything else.

Oh you are exactly right, we lost my dad in the same car accident that gave mom the TBI, and what you described is to a T what I have been doing.  I'm even taking care of all the insurance, estate, financial and legal ramifications (mom was at fault).  A part of it is taking care of her needs, a bigger part is she is having extreme difficulty remembering stuff, and is having a really hard time learning how to do the things my dad used to take care of as a result of the injury.     

So Update:  Just told my boss I quit, that I can't take it anymore (and my direct boss is awesome, always has been, she's probably the main reason I've stuck around).  Sheeeee about had a stroke.  Made me sit down and white board out a list of all the shit that was wrong and was like "how can I fix this" etc etc etc.   I told her I'm not sure you can, these are systemic business decisions that are causing failures that I get stuck dealing with, and I don't want to do it anymore.  I also said, and why am I dealing with this, it's not like there is upward potential, or even the potential for a raise, I just keep accumulating work as people quit.

She then went off on a rant about pretty much every. single. thing that has been bothering me, so she's seen it too.  Told me one of the other VPs had to take her out last week because she lost her shit in a meeting and yelled "I don't know why this decision was made, I'm trying to determine if you are stupid, or just lazy".   Soooo yea, I'd say I'm not the only one that is getting sick and tired of the place.  Unfortunately, she has a good chunk of personal cash tied up in it. 

She wants me to come back to her with a number and a list of other things that if they fix, I'll stay so she can take it up the chain.  Wasn't quite expecting that.  I'll probably throw out some stupid number, she'd pay it, the CFO and CEO won't ever in a million years, they have to protect their 250k plus salaries (and our CEO literally does nothing all day, I sit next to his office, he watches a lot of YouTube and sports and goes to about one meeting every 2 months).

MishMash

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #48 on: April 04, 2017, 11:22:35 AM »
your husband values toys (even though it sounds like your scrimping and scraping for a day to enjoy these toys, that may never even come) over his own future flesh and blood and his life partner.
 F'd up on so many levels..I feel very sorry for you :(

reminds of a family friend who lived like a homeless person, did retire at 55, but never got the chance to do all the things the $$ saved was to afford him; travel, beach house, etc. Passed away of heart attack at 57.

Like anything, overdoing a  good thing doesn't make it a great thing. Got to have a healthy balance.

I'd like to point out that he has but nothing over "future flesh and blood"  He was more upset about the miscarriages then I was, he wants kids more then I do even.  We don't scrimp and save and live like a homeless person.  We live in a small, but nice townhome, drive 2 nice but older cars, and the toys, well, we live in a townhome, there is NO room for them, and we don't live near the ocean so no point in getting a boat to stare at it in the driveway. 

Travel, we do on occasion, trying to plan ANYTHING with his schedule is like trying to stuff an air mattress back into the teeeny tiny bag it came in, just about impossible, we'd like more balance of fun, but right now with his job and where it is, it's simply not possible.

okobrien

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Re: I think today may be the day I quit
« Reply #49 on: April 04, 2017, 11:32:34 AM »
So Update:  Just told my boss I quit, that I can't take it anymore

Badass!!!  Good work!  That must have been incredibly difficult, but I am proud of you, even though I don't know you.  I (the primary breadwinner of the family) quit my job last year, and have had many moments since then that have confirmed it was the right choice.  I expect you will have similar experiences.