I bought a new home and it didn't make me any happier.

[Laura33]

I've had anxiety all my life and it's spilled into depression at times. But it's also been many years since I had it. I know when it's bad and when it's not.  I know when to seek help and look to medication such as Effexor, Wellbutrin, SSRI's, Xanax,  Lorazepam,  etc.

This time it's different.  All the other times were generalized towards feeling of uneasy and unpredictable.  "Will I find a job? Will I need to live on the street? What's next?"

As I approach FIRE, those fears no longer exist.  It's replaced with feelings of isolation or feeling like I'm no longer in control of anything.

If you've been depressed and recovered, you know that the power of the illness is its overwhelming ability to persuade you that you're not ill -- that the problem is something else, something outside yourself, not in your own head.  I swear, depression is like a virus that can constantly morph and adapt to prevent you from getting the treatment you need to fight it.

The reality is that your circumstances have changed, and so your depression and anxiety have changed to suit.  E.g., you were not suffering from anxiety because you were worried about being unemployed and homeless; you were suffering from anxiety, and that anxiety found your weakness and manifested itself as worry about being unemployed and homeless.

Now you are no longer in the same situation, so your anxiety can no longer effectively pick at your financial insecurities.  So it looks and looks for something else to land on, and it finds the isolation and Those Damn Crows.  But it's still the same thing:  the crows are not giving you anxiety; your anxiety is simply manifesting itself as a hyper-fixation and irrationally strong response to the crows.

I'm very glad to hear that you've made an appointment with the doctor.  Just please don't write off the depression/anxiety as the source of your feelings now simply because it doesn't feel the same as last time -- you're a different person now, so why wouldn't your illness also feel different?

[kork]

Rough couple days.

- Backed up into the garage door yesterday with my car. Will be $1400 to replace to the garage door.
- Fell off the roof today, smashed up my leg.
- Found black mold in the attic where the sheathing above the bathroom is. Sheathing is buckling quite a bit. Home inspector missed it because he used a drone to inspect the roof rather than actually getting up on there and visually inspecting it. I didn't know better at the time.
- Worst thing is that I found out my mom has a disease which will cause her to lose her mobility. There is no cure.  :-(

Tried to move my appointment up with the doctor citing "anxiety and depression" and no earlier appointment times are available.

There's a black cloud lingering...

[Cranky]

You know, you can just start calling therapists. I think that would be a smart move. Have you seen a doctor about your leg?

[kork]

Leg is fine.  It was just a nasty fall with lots of scrapes and scratches.  Can’t believe I didn’t break something though!

Unfortunately,  therapy doesn’t really help, not for this type of stuff anyways.  It can go as quickly as it comes.  The analogy would be trashing around in deep water with waves washing over your head. Gasping for air trying to keep your head above water just long enough to catch that oxygen. Therapy will try to teach you how to swim. The lesson is not very useful when you’re drowning.

In this case,  the person really needs a life jacket to prevent them from downing. Quick fix but enough to stop trashing around and panicking.

With that’s said,  I’m doing 10x better.  I’ve stuff a duvet into the window to see if it reduces the crows waking me up.  Oddly, they haven’t been around as much lately (though they still are).

I cleaned the black mold out of the attic and have started the moisture investigation as to where it came from.

I’m trying to be strong for my mom. She’s very active and the news of her disease is breaking my heart for her.  She’s very active and moves all around.  This will eliminate that and replace with pain.  Just a matter of time. She always assumed she’d be the 90 year old crackerjack nana up on the dance floor dancing away like nobody was looking.  Nature has other plans I suppose.

Anyways,  all in all,  doing better.

Ironically,  with the nice new weather,  I’ve got windows open and the sounds of the birds chirping away is cheerful.  Building nests and eating at the bird feeder.  Peaceful.

Except for the crows..

[soccerluvof4]

I hate to say it yet again but i agree with what Sol said. I was one of those people that moved a couple times because looking back it was because I thought I would be happier. One time it was because the Subdivision I lived in everyone lived in there own little kingdom and while good people I found the negative in it. The next house we had a busy road behind us but it was probably 100 yards away and down a steep hill but it was my focus so we moved again. The reality is every time I moved it cost us money despite usually downsizing. I really tried to figure out what was the deal , what is going to make me happy again especially since I fire'd. The first thing was instead of working out at home I did get out and join a gym and go for long walks as well. Walking really is great for clearing the head and gets you in touch with nature. I focused on the happiness of my DW and kids as that brought joy to me as well that they were happy. At one point I felt that perhaps It was clinical and needed to go to a Doctor but I chose not to do that and kept making the decision I am going to just choose to be happy. Its easier said than done and perhaps you should see someone but for the most part there is nothing that you mentioned that I haven't felt other than I too would of moved if needles were being tossed in my yard. I wasted alot of time being unhappy for not! and in my case it was because I simply just focused on it way to much. In either case dont wait to long like I did and look around you and find happiness in others and what your doing for your family. Wish you the best!

[Cranky]

Y'know, when you keep drowning, again and again, a long term approach is exactly what you need.

Because anxiety is going to keep on keeping on. It's sneaky like that. If you kill every crow in your county, there will be something else to make you anxious. You can solve every problem ever, you can move annually, and your brain will still find something to make you anxious. Ask me how I know this!

[I'm a red panda]

If you are drowning and the therapy you've done in the past didn't help, you need to find a different therapist with a different approach.

Some teach you to swim, some throw you a life jacket.

[Metalcat]

If you are drowning and the therapy you've done in the past didn't help, you need to find a different therapist with a different approach.

Some teach you to swim, some throw you a life jacket.

Thirded.

Therapy always works. Inappropriate therapy doesn't.

[2microsNH]

kork and workin-on-muh-stach, I really empathize with your sensitivity to repetitive noises, feeling trapped (and thus anxious), and desperately needing to have a tranquil, predictable living space. For me, it's rooted in a history of domestic violence; my dad would beat the living sh!t out of my mom late at night, and as a child I was frequently awaken by screaming, sobbing, and police cars and ambulances. My brain is wired to be on constant alert and no amount of good therapy will rewire it (for me, antidepressants help). Bessel van de Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, has been extremely affirming of my experience and profound need for tranquility in my home.

As for noise-canceling headphones, I've found Bose wireless noise-masking sleepbuds to be the best I've found, both as regards comfort and noise cancelation. I bring them whenever I spend the night anywhere away from home. They've been a life-saver... worth every non-mustachian penny.

Good luck and take care.

[Metalcat]

^ just to clarify my previous post: drug therapy is often integral to good therapy, I was not at all suggesting that every mental health case only needs talk therapy.

[Laura33]

"Therapy" doesn't mean "lie on a couch and talk about how everything is my parents' fault."  For me, it means appropriate amounts of Wellbutrin + learning to challenge the thought patterns that tend to start the downward spiral.

My doctor was well-intentioned but relatively useless.  My psychiatrist (including her prescription pad) has made all the difference.

[kenmoremmm]

Everything comes with a tradeoff.  The only way to try to make a good decision is to consider and rank all of your priorities, look as hard and objectively as you can at the pros and cons of each decision, and then make the decision that gives you the most of what you want -- without expecting that decision to be trouble-free.  And even then you get it wrong sometimes, because human beings are ridiculously bad at identifying what actually makes them happy.

i've included a spreadsheet i made a few years ago when we were looking at moving to a new city. (city names removed, and replaced with numbers). essentially, figure out what your important items are, rank them, then do a weighted ranking analysis to determine "the winner". might be useful to someone. in the end, i found the heaviest trump card to be job availability for myself (structural engineer), so even when a lot of small towns scored high (especially for me), they were not totally viable.

also, the yellow vs purple highlighting was to identify things that i would research vs my wife.

[I'm a red panda]

My brain is wired to be on constant alert and no amount of good therapy will rewire it (for me, antidepressants help). Bessel van de Kolk's book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, has been extremely affirming of my experience and profound need for tranquility in my home.

I found this book to be incredibly helpful in processing why I had the reactions I did when I was diagnosed with PTSD in combination with depression. The things I was experiencing were, literally, textbook. 

I also found EMDR to be very useful in combination with traditional talk therapy, even though it seemed very woo, it is evidence based.  I also did yoga therapy with a trauma informed counselor, and once I'm done being pregnant and breastfeeding for years on end, if it is all still not resolved will probably finally go with antidepressants, which I've avoided.  (I have highs and lows, but am mostly functional)

[rokel]

I didn't read through all the comments, so perhaps someone suggested this already, but don't minimize the effects of social isolation. We actually just bought a new house and are so much happier. Previously we had been living in an area that was very isolated. You just wouldn't run into people when walking around the neighborhood and had a hard time meeting new people. We lived there for two years and I hadn't realized the impact it had on my mood. The new house is right in the middle of a little village and I have made so many friends and run into people all the time. I can't believe how much happier it's made me. I wonder if you may be able to improve your mood by making more of an effort socially now that you're in a more isolated location.

[partgypsy]

One of the reasons I'm loathe to move, is that I like being around people. I was born and grew up in a city. When kids on the block had birthday parties often times they were celebrated outside and everyone joined in. Even when we moved to the suburbs, up until when I was 10 years old it was lower middle class with lots of smaller houses close together and the end of the block it was a park, so after school and during the summer we were free range kids. I am living in a house that is close to a place to walk the dogs and is walkable to a lot of places. I have a number of neighbors and while I am not as close to them (as I used to due to being just busy and keeping my head above water), I find it comforting to run into them and say hi, and have that routine. I think it would really affect me to live somewhere isolated.

I hope you find a solution to your problems.

[OliveFI]

My scalp was itchy. It was so distracting! It started flaking. Kept getting itchier and itchier. I kept thinking about it, scratching it, looking at how bad it was getting. I was googling various scalp disorders and researching treatments. This went on for weeks. Finally, I bought some freaking dandruff shampoo. After a couple of uses, I feel so much better.

Why am I talking about my dandruff? Because it reminds me of this thread. You already know you have anxiety that veers into depression. Your posts are agitated. You are fixating on various noises, researching solutions to deal with birds, etc etc. You are feeling worse over time.

Call your doctor/therapist/whoever!

I want to echo this. I think a therapist is a great idea. My anxiety manifests itself with fixating on certain things and general agitation. Like obsession with the crows is likely misdirected anxiety.

Note, I've seen some people on this forum get offended when therapy is suggested. That is based in the old stigma around mental health. Therapy is great and I always suggest it from a positive place and as something that has helped me. Never to make someone feel bad or "crazy" or "unwell." It is a tool. A fantastic and helpful tool.

[Dicey]

PTF.

[jaysee]

Whatever you do, don't pick up a writing habit, talk to a mysterious bar tender or murder your family with an axe!!