Author Topic: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone  (Read 10587 times)

Cassie

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #100 on: May 03, 2021, 10:37:23 PM »
People find it hard enough to change when they are younger if they are motivated.  Being around the same age I sincerely doubt he will put in the work. There’s many mentally unhealthy people that are attracted to the helping professions.  When my ex cheated 11 years ago I couldn’t imagine living without him and believed his crap.  Now of course I just am worn out by his behavior. I am much happier by myself.  Out of 23 years we had 12 good ones.  I didn’t marry him for the first 6 years wanting to make sure it was right. People change and not necessarily for the better as they age. There’s no guarantees in relationships.  You really need to take care of yourself.

dollarchaser

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #101 on: May 04, 2021, 09:13:08 PM »
Being on your turf/home has probably helped more than you realize. I would use advantages such as time of day and location to help your opinions and views carry more weight. Similar effects as how manipulators navigate but average people don't think on that level.
Best wishes for your journey.

retiredat58

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #102 on: May 05, 2021, 04:54:32 AM »
Dollar chaser,

Can you elaborate ?

oneday

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #103 on: May 05, 2021, 05:00:23 PM »
Some things my manipulative ex would do would be try to talk to me when I was worn out: from an outing, extreme end of day, etc. Or call me out in front of people so I would have social/peer pressure on my response. Things like that.

I don't really recommend trying to manipulate a manipulator.

partgypsy

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #104 on: May 06, 2021, 05:29:28 AM »
I don't necessarily think he is a manipulator. And retired I think you are a compassionate person, to look past his issues and commit to being with him. That said I work at the VA. Just bc you have a service connected rating does not give you a pass in actively treating and managing the condition, whether it is medication, counseling, exposure therapy etc. And it is common that PTSD symptoms get worse after the person stops working, or changes situation where they have to deal with more social situations, get out of their comfort zone. Anyways I feel for you. It's possible that no one is at fault here. But you need to be comfortable with the situation, and be clear with him what is and not acceptable if you want to continue to have a relationship. As others have said, if he is not willing to work on this, might be better to change the relationship.

Metalcat

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #105 on: May 06, 2021, 09:03:27 AM »
Some things my manipulative ex would do would be try to talk to me when I was worn out: from an outing, extreme end of day, etc. Or call me out in front of people so I would have social/peer pressure on my response. Things like that.

I don't really recommend trying to manipulate a manipulator.

I think it's fairer to say "don't expect rational and cooperative engagement from someone with an unmanaged, severe, mental health condition who refuses to seek treatment"

The man needs to treat his severe cognitive trauma in order to be a decent partner. You can't make a broken person work properly.

retiredat58

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #106 on: May 06, 2021, 09:58:23 AM »
Partgypsy,

I talked to a psychiatrist once about my husband’s behavior and like you, she said PTSD can become worse once a person retires. I’ve seen a difference since he retired and even more so since we’re now living together. At times I feel as though I’m a trigger for him. He can be so good but in a second a switch flips. Once he started yelling at me in a restaurant. I didn’t know whether to try to calm him down or just get up and walk out. I talked slow and he finally calmed down. In general, he’s not an angry man but it comes on very suddenly. Since we’ve been living together the episodes are more frequent, and I’m sure he blames me.

Metalcat

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #107 on: May 06, 2021, 10:05:57 AM »
Partgypsy,

I talked to a psychiatrist once about my husband’s behavior and like you, she said PTSD can become worse once a person retires. I’ve seen a difference since he retired and even more so since we’re now living together. At times I feel as though I’m a trigger for him. He can be so good but in a second a switch flips. Once he started yelling at me in a restaurant. I didn’t know whether to try to calm him down or just get up and walk out. I talked slow and he finally calmed down. In general, he’s not an angry man but it comes on very suddenly. Since we’ve been living together the episodes are more frequent, and I’m sure he blames me.

You likely are a huge trigger.

Major life changes are brutal for people with untreated PTSD.
You are also extremely highly likely to get sucked into a copedendent response pattern, which will only make things worse, but feels like you are acting responsibly when you do it. 

Sibley

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #108 on: May 06, 2021, 10:07:51 AM »
Partgypsy,

I talked to a psychiatrist once about my husband’s behavior and like you, she said PTSD can become worse once a person retires. I’ve seen a difference since he retired and even more so since we’re now living together. At times I feel as though I’m a trigger for him. He can be so good but in a second a switch flips. Once he started yelling at me in a restaurant. I didn’t know whether to try to calm him down or just get up and walk out. I talked slow and he finally calmed down. In general, he’s not an angry man but it comes on very suddenly. Since we’ve been living together the episodes are more frequent, and I’m sure he blames me.

I would be concerned that he could escalate to violence. Please make sure you're safe.

oneday

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Re: Husband won’t let me buy a used iPhone
« Reply #109 on: May 06, 2021, 04:13:58 PM »
I don't necessarily think he is a manipulator. And retired I think you are a compassionate person, to look past his issues and commit to being with him. That said I work at the VA. Just bc you have a service connected rating does not give you a pass in actively treating and managing the condition, whether it is medication, counseling, exposure therapy etc. And it is common that PTSD symptoms get worse after the person stops working, or changes situation where they have to deal with more social situations, get out of their comfort zone. Anyways I feel for you. It's possible that no one is at fault here. But you need to be comfortable with the situation, and be clear with him what is and not acceptable if you want to continue to have a relationship. As others have said, if he is not willing to work on this, might be better to change the relationship.

To be clear, I'm not calling the husband a manipulator. Simply providing elaboration on @dollarchaser comment.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!