Some people will never fully understand the "housewife problem" because a) it doesn't bother them to do chores, or b) because there's a more equitable division of labor, so it never really becomes an issue.
Here's how it worked in our house: When we got married, my husband was very active and busy with a startup and I was a student. So it made sense for me to do the majority of the chores and errands. In fact, I did about 99% of them - cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, shopping, buying his mother Xmas gifts, buying his clothes, paying the bills. Everything.
Then after a few years, he sold his business and ER'd. And I was still doing 99% of the chores. Because old habits die hard. I started to chafe against this, but what I got in response was "This was the deal, I made the money and you're the housewife." Except I didn't want to be a housewife. It seemed like it made sense at first, but I didn't enjoy these things. It wasn't my goal to be a housewife. It just happened. And staring into the future of my marriage... I did not want to be a housewife forever.
So I went to work. And he started to help out more. But every single chore that I was able to convince him to do was hard won. He had become dependent on me to do everything. When I told him to buy his own pants, he said, "I don't even know what size I wear. Besides, my mom always bought my pants before you, what's the big deal?" Guys... "My mom always did X..." is a loser of an argument. I think I just stood and stared at him for like 30 seconds, then finally told him his pant size and told him to check the tag next time he was unsure. When he asked me where to buy pants, I told him to try Google. But seriously... this pants thing still comes up every time he needs new pants. Like he's somehow forgotten that he buys his own clothes now.
When I was working 9-5, we were supposed to split housekeeping 50/50. He does the downstairs, where he has his office, his bathroom, tv room, and I do the upstairs. A few months in, he told me that his toilet had some kind of black mold in it. My response was "Haven't you been cleaning it?" He said yes, but it kept coming back. So I go to the kitchen and get out a bleach cleanser, and my instinct is to just take care of this gross toilet situation, but as I looked at that bottle of cleanser, I realized that if I clean it now, I will be cleaning it forever. So, I handed the bottle to him (he claimed not to know it existed prior to that moment). Later that evening, I suggested we hire a cleaning service. If he complains about the disruption or cost, I just ask him if the black mold has returned (it has not), and that's that.
We got household maintenance down to about 50/50 (keeping in mind that I was working full time and he was not working - so I never totally "won" this issue), but then I ER'd and started dabbling with self-employment. I had a flexible schedule and was available to do tasks again, and it was like a regression occurred. Suddenly, he didn't know how to turn on the oven, even though only a few months before, he was starting meal-prep on days I got home late.
The more successful my business becomes, the more he helps out around the house. The other week he announced that I needed to do laundry (yep) while I was in the middle of a work-related task, and I turned to him and said, "I'll do it when I finish. Will you go sort it so that it's ready?" Now... I know for a fact that laundry was my husband's chore when he was a young lad, but he did try to tell me he didn't know how I'd want it sorted. I told him, "Two piles. One light, one dark." When I went in to do the laundry, half of it was unsorted. He said it was because he was afraid he was doing it wrong. Amazingly, this week he started sorting laundry unprompted, but he gave up again. He said he tried his best, but then wasn't sure if my things needed dry-cleaning. Actually, the truth was he encountered one dress and it occurred to him that it might need dry-cleaning, but instead of checking the tag or moving on to other items, he just stopped. I replied that I also didn't know if that dress needed dry-cleaning, so I'd need to check the tag, and I reassured him that he could just sort and I would make sure not to put anything in the machine that didn't belong there.
It's true - chores aren't hard. What's the big deal? But... if chores are no big deal, then why am I the one who does everything? It's like I unintentionally trained my husband to not be able to do basic tasks. And it turned out that training him to do nothing was a heck of lot easier than training him to do something.
I don't like chores. I do not get fulfillment from taking care of these things. And gradually, I get resentful that I'm the person who does everything. But I also don't want to fight about it. So I've outsourced everything I can easily outsource (like cleaning and ordering groceries online), and I fight patient little battles to get more help. But I also understand the pattern - if I quit working completely tomorrow, my husband would stop all attempts to sort the laundry.
Don't get me wrong - my husband has a lot of fantastic qualities and we get along great. But the chore dynamic isn't great. His general chore-laziness combined with my inclination to just get things done quickly and efficiently leads down a road that I do not want to keep going down. I would much rather have a successful and fulfilling business than be a housewife.
