How to Inform Your Kids You're About to Move?

[kenmoremmm]

i am married with 2 kids (4 and 2). we are planning to move from the US to canada later this summer. all childhood friendships for my 4 year old that have currently been established will surely be lost for good. my 4 year old isn't a social butterfly, but is definitely empowered and more confident when she's with her good friends.

i know over time this will all be a blip in their memories - especially the 2 year old - but i just want to minimize the near term (6 month+) impacts to my 4 year old. she will be 5 in september and is intelligent with a good understanding of the bigger picture. moving at the end of july. not sure what the best timing is to tell her about it. i don't want her to dwell on the idea of losing her friendships. i'm thinking that maybe when preschool is over (end of june) will be a natural separation point since her best school friend would've been going to a different kindergarten anyway (and i think she's already aware of this).

[Travis]

Don't keep it to yourself or tell them at the last minute. Talk about the move, where you're going, and let them see you gradually make the preparations for it.  You want the impression to be more "the family is moving" rather than "mom and dad are moving you."  Afford them the time to talk to their friends about it, spend time together, and say their final goodbyes. For the older one, if they're technologically inclined, give them the opportunity to stay in contact with those friends. My son is 10 and has moved four times. He's in very loose contact with a single friend from four years ago and a couple of friends from the last move.

[laserlady]

I think Travis has really good advice above. Along the lines of making them feel like the family is moving rather than that their parents are uprooting them, I think it can also be helpful to involve children in the process, in an age-appropriate way, to help them feel some measure of control in the situation. My family moved when I was 9, and I remember initially being upset and anxious, but then quickly become excited about the new possibilities when my mom took me to some house showings with her. My parents made it clear that they'd be the ones who'd choose the house, but just having the chance to see some of the options and express an opinion on them made a huge difference in how I felt about the move.

[Morning Glory]

I moved a lot as a kid and my parents always emphasized good things at the new place, such as how many kids there would be to play with in the new neighborhood. I never minded changing schools. The only move I was ever upset about was at age 15.

[humanoid]

The others have given good advice. I have three little ones (5, 3, 1), and we are looking for a new house in a new town. The 3 and 5 year old are aware that we are looking. The 5 year old has even visited a house with us. We just mention it occasionally when it's relevant. So they are well prepared that we'll be moving at some point in the coming year or so, and that they'll go to new schools eventually. We have found that plenty of prep time, when possible, helps best with them. They like the idea of a new house, so overall I'd say they are excited about it.

[Dicey]

Good advice given above. Made it sound like an adventure and something to look forward to. Time to adjust to the idea is key. Best of luck to you!

[mozar]

It's up to you of course but I moved a lot as a kid and I enjoyed packing. Some parents will pack up for the kids or will hire people and have everything set up in their new place. But I enjoyed being a part of the process.

[reeshau]

I moved my then-3-year-old from Michigan to Ireland, and then we abruptly moved (the now-5-year-old) back to the US last year, to Texas.  I fully agree with the opinions given so far.

Our son is very social, and has "many best friends." (his words)  In all cases, he was much more interested in looking forward / meeting new people / seeing new things than thinking on what was.  In the cases he did ask or otherwise show interest in his old life, we did reach out.  We secretly kept in contact with old friends' parents, teachers, etc. to let them see how he was doing, and be available to help their kids' adjustment, too.  We also offered opportunities at normally nostalgic times, i.e. send Christmas cards to former teachers.  But followed his lead.  Leaving Ireland was a little more difficult, as first Covid isolation cut off in-person contact with school friends, and then our move was relatively abrupt.  But he went to an international school there, so leaving / new kids arriving was a fairly common occurrence, and the teachers there facilitated a goodbye party, although virtual.

Maybe your oldest will be hit harder by the move.  But whatever happens, it will pass, of course.  Give her opportunities to anticipate / participate in the new situation, and opportunities to keep contact.  It will be much better than if you were moving teenagers.

[MayDay]

They will get weird about things you can't predict, so if they are upset about something with the move, try to ask a ton of questions to get to the root of the actual WHY.

Example:  At ages ~4 and 6 my kids were being little monsters and it ended up being that they were upset because they thought once we packed up their toys, they would just be GONE.  So a simple explanation that we were sending the boxes to the new house and they would get to open the boxes and still have all their stuff solved it. 

We moved long distance at ages 2 and 4 and at that age they honestly didn't care a bit.  We talked about it like normal and read some books, but they didn't really care.  New playground, wheee, I forgot I even had old friends!  When we mvoed back at ages 7 and 9 there were a lot more Feelings about friends and change and new schools. 

[Just Joe]

Share some internet pictures of your new city with them.

[SunnyDays]

Give them as much information about where they are going as  possible, at a child's level and perspective, of course.  Pictures of the house and school, playgrounds, swimming pool, etc.  It's much less scary when they have mental mages of the new place rather than just a black hole.  If there's any possibility of acquainting them with new neighbours and local kids beforehand, that would be great too.  Having someone they "know" and are excited to see at the other end could be very helpful.

[EricEng]

i am married with 2 kids (4 and 2). we are planning to move from the US to canada later this summer. all childhood friendships for my 4 year old that have currently been established will surely be lost for good. my 4 year old isn't a social butterfly, but is definitely empowered and more confident when she's with her good friends.

This really shouldn't have an appreciable impact on a 4 year old.  6-18 sure will, but 4 won' t have very strong connections or memories yet.  You can probably just tell the 4 year old and they won't understand.  Given all the Covid isolation, this is a great time to move anyway since those connections are already weaker.

[Arbitrage]

We just did this a few days ago.  We're going to move about 1200 miles away from one US state to another.  Kids are 10 and 8 and have never really lived anywhere else, so lots of memories and connections.  We struggled with the best time and strategy, and ended up doing about 4-5 months before the move, as we're looking for a house to buy. 

Our strategy was multi-pronged.  We took two vacations a couple of years apart to the area (first trip while scoping it out; second trip after making the decision) so that it would feel familiar.  We connected up with old friends and family who live in the area (who fortunately have kids their ages).  We also dropped a lot of hints over the years about how great it would be if

• were the case.

When sitting them down to talk, we started with a lot of talk about how "you know how we've been discussing how we really wish we could change

• ..." and eased them into the concept with a lot of the benefits up front.  Then we allowed them to ask all of their questions, and are being supportive of whatever emotions they have.  We definitely had some fears about how they would respond, but it's been going great!  Both have some sadness, of course, but both are finding reasons to be really excited.  In fact, each has said that they wish that summer were here now so that we could move.  One kid is really loving the idea of the new house and setting up his new room, and the other is thrilled with the concept of mommy not working and having more time to spend with her.

I don't think you really need to prep a 2 year old much at all...they're not going to have much understanding of it, and just take the world as it comes to them.  4 years old is barely out of that stage in my opinion, but at least you should have the conversation to tell them a little bit of why.  Still, you shouldn't expect that they'll like the idea no matter how much you explain it, and I don't think that drawing it out over a long time will benefit either you or the child much.