Author Topic: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources  (Read 5348 times)

C. K.

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Some on this forum have asked about their role as others around them struggle financially. Many of us feel the need to rescue others and think we're a heel when we don't. Well, here's a perspective that might help.

The following article addresses introverts and not necessarily money, but the concept is for any temperament type and can be applied to finances. It's called, "Three Little Words That Will Change Your Life Forever" by Beth Buelow (http://theintrovertentrepreneur.com/2013/05/31/three-little-words-that-will-change-your-life-forever/)

That title is a bold promise, but essentially the author is saying, think of people as (1)whole, (2) capable and (3)resourceful and you'll feel less of a need to jump in and fix their lives (and less resentment for having to do so).  She gives a list of practical things you could do to encourage the other person without depleting yourself.

The author even addresses the "but you don't know how much of a deadbeat that person is" excuse that many Fixers offer.

Buelow says,

Quote
"...when we treat others with dignity and respect, they often rise to the occasion, whether they believe in their own capacity or not. Your belief in them inspires belief in themselves. This allows you to be present and compassionate without giving away your power."

I hope this helps. Read the article and tell me what you think.
« Last Edit: December 07, 2014, 01:22:42 AM by C. K. »

Adventine

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2014, 01:49:39 AM »
Interesting. The concept of "whole, capable and resourceful" is certainly empowering, but I'm having trouble seeing how it could be applied to, for example, a financially irresponsible parent asking a Mustachian for money.

How can we apply that concept in this kind of situation?

deborah

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #2 on: December 07, 2014, 01:57:06 AM »
The parent has spent all their life without the money, so just ask them how are going in getting out of the fix they are in. On the other hand, if the parent has given money to their son or daughter for a car or a house... then I would expect their child to respond in kind.

Adventine

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2014, 02:10:29 AM »
It's very, very tempting to serenely say "You're  smart and capable, I'm sure you'll figure it out without me giving you money," but somehow I don't think it would have such a positive effect on the parent asking for money. And that's one of the points the article is trying to make - that people will "rise to the occasion" if you believe in their ability to solve the problem. Hm, I'm still doubtful.

C. K.

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2014, 06:41:19 AM »
Interesting. The concept of "whole, capable and resourceful" is certainly empowering, but I'm having trouble seeing how it could be applied to, for example, a financially irresponsible parent asking a Mustachian for money.

How can we apply that concept in this kind of situation?

Good question.

The rest of the article goes into detail. The author gives the example of someone whose problems she usually feels compelled to fix.

For once, instead of just doing it for them, she said, " I’m sorry to hear that. How else can you get [that done]?" Then they brainstormed. The person figured out a solution that did not involve Beth switching her plans.

This can be done with someone who is asking for money.

The idea seems to be to set boundaries and offer a listening ear, but no more. Having that listening ear can bring a very positive effect to someone else. It just takes practice for the Fixer to feel good about what she's doing.

And about the parent-child part of the equation - I've found sometimes the two have been enmeshed emotionally and/or financially for a while.  It might take a therapist to help bring a healthy interdependence to the relationship.

« Last Edit: December 07, 2014, 06:47:40 AM by C. K. »

Adventine

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2014, 07:25:45 AM »
Hmmm, that is a different way to think about it. I'll try practicing that. Thanks.

DollarBill

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2014, 02:40:40 PM »
I liked it so much I had to send it to my Step-mom. She's been dealing with her 27 yr old daughter still living at home. She doesn't work, no school, gets in trouble with the law.

Like you said "I've found sometimes the two have been enmeshed emotionally and/or financially for a while".

C. K.

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #7 on: December 07, 2014, 06:17:40 PM »
The parent has spent all their life without the money, so just ask them how are going in getting out of the fix they are in.

Yep. That seems to be what the author is saying.

I liked it so much I had to send it to my Step-mom.

I'm glad it is useful to your family. It helped shift my perspective, so I thought I'd share it.

sheepstache

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #8 on: December 07, 2014, 07:17:04 PM »
Huh, I didn't realize most other people didn't have this attitude. I guess that explains how my life is so drama free.

Except I wouldn't have acted the same way in her first example. You and your spouse jointly own cars, so I'd jump into a discussion of who needed it more or just ask straight out if I should bring it home (and expect my SO to decide if it was really worth my going through all that hassle). But then, maybe my basic attitude prompted me to choose an SO who's unusually independent?

So what about the reverse problem, when you don't put yourself out enough for others?

Anyway, thanks for the link, I feel like I should read more of her blog.

nyxst

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2014, 07:02:35 AM »
A timely article for me... My parents are always on the brink of disaster and I regularly "fix" the situation for them.  And, I feel resentful.  But, I am an only child and they are supportive in other ways usually, so I try to remember that.  Sometimes I think my best option is to outright lie to them and say I am broke and can't help.  But this week, they were going to have a contractors lien put on their house if they didn't pay the guy who fixed the roof after the tree fell and the insurance check won't be here for a while still.... there goes $3000 I really hope I see again!  Haha! I took some advise from this forum before and started an emergency fund dedicated just to their emergencies, so the money is pre-dedicated to them already, and that has helped with the resentment a little bit, but I still find myself giving most of my time/money/patience/tranquility to others, so I think this article is something I need to pay serious attention to.

Catbert

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2014, 02:14:12 PM »
nyxst  - Mechanics liens are usually silent in that they just sit there until you try to sell or refinance a house.  This would be a great time to practice saying, "no, sorry, can't help".  (Unless, of course, you feel sorry for the roof guy who isn't getting paid.)

nyxst

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Re: How to Help Financial Strugglers Without Draining Your Own Resources
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2014, 02:22:59 PM »
I was thinking the same thing... I will put a lot of thought into it before I hand over the funds.. I do think that they will get the check rather quickly once they prove the work is all done, so it should only be a short loan... and there is the chance that if the "silent" lien goes onto the house instead, they may use the insurance money for another purpose, leaving me with the lien if I inherit the house some day... ugh.