how to deal with cancer or losing someone

[FoundPeace]

I just found out that my dad's cancer has spread and isn't currently treatable with chemo. He likely won't make it through the end of next year... The only other person I've lost is my grandfather, and I'm not sure how to take it. I plan to take all of my vacation time next month so I can spend it with family. I know the battle isn't over yet, but I'm feeling very depressed and I"m not sure how to handle it.

I'm sure many of you have gone through similar experiences. How did you cope? My dad and I are very close and have only gotten closer as I've had kids and gotten older.

[homehandymum]

I'm so sorry, FoundPeace.  Virtual hugs, if that's your thing, and an awkward arm-pat if they are not.

My mother died of cancer 7 years ago this month.

The short answer of how you deal with it is: one day at a time.

The long answer?  well, I'm still dealing with it, really.  But some things that helped me - I am a reader and researcher, so I got books about living with cancer - the process and experience of it more than the medical side.  I spent hours reading about the particular disease online.  I refreshed my memory about the process of grief and loss.

In a lot of ways for you the grief and loss process has probably already started.  All change is a form of loss, and the huge news and the sudden change of what you envisaged the next year to hold, and the future beyond that are already losses.

But basically, my best advice is just to roll with it.  There is a huge tension between knowing that, on the one hand, every. single. moment. is precious and will never be repeated again.  But on the other hand, you have a need to live life as normally as possible so the cancer doesn't take over everything and 'win', and also because making the most of every moment is exhausting.  You won't always get it right, and your needs and desires will not always sync up with your Dad's - that is okay.  It's all part of being human.

The grief and stress will (likely) come in waves.  Don't be afraid to feel them and let them just wash over you.  You'll still be standing on the other side.  At other times (especially if you're looking after children - at least, that was my situation), you will have a need to 'shelve' the grief and come back to it later.  That's okay too.  It will still be there.

Watching someone you love die is one of the absolute hardest, and also one of the most universally human experiences there is.  We all do it at some point, and there is no wrong way to do it.

You are not alone, and you can do this.

[tmp]

I am so sorry.

We lost my sixteen year old step daughter to cancer just over three years ago.

We miss her every second of every day, but we know that to honor her life we must continue on bravely and strongly.  And we have learned to treat each and every day as a gift.

The best advice we received is that grief is like a ten ton weight, it doesn't get any lighter, but over time you will figure out how to carry it.

[mak1277]

My mom was diagnosed with cancer this year and died in May. The best thing I did to prepare myself was picking up a book called Help Me Live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know.

The book was invaluable in identifying things not to do when interacting with my mom. Mainly though it comes down to the idea that this is not about you it's about your dad. My mom started out being worried that I was mad at her for getting sick. As parents they are still going to worry about you, so if you're feeling a lot of self pity they'll pick up on that and it's not helpful. You can grieve later, while your dad is alive you have to focus on him, not yourself. That's my advice anyway.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[DirtDiva]

Mainly though it comes down to the idea that this is not about you it's about your dad.

Great advice. I work at a cancer center, and the families who do the best aren't afraid to talk about the difficult subjects of death and loss, but spend most of their time sharing stories of good memories and just being there for support.

"How can drops of water know themselves to be a river?  Yet the river flows on.". Antoine De Saint-Exupery.    In other words, you're not in this shit-show alone.

[crispy]

Truthfully, you just have take it day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute.  Focus on the him and the time you have left together instead of worrying about a future without him.  It's a tough road to walk, and you and your family have my sympathy.  I lost my dad to cancer almost 7 years ago.  I do find a lot of comfort in knowing that he is no longer suffering - the last few months of his life was brutal.  I do feel a lot of sadness that he never met my youngest daughter - he passed away when I was 8 months pregnant with her.   For me, it is not a lingering feeling of sadness, but it comes in seasons.  I am usually okay around the date of his death and his birthday, but Christmas is really hard for me.

[BNgarden]

I have not faced your situation directly.  However, I did join a one-day course on dying and death, which provided a list of the top three considerations, given some research in palliative situations:  and know that if you manage #1., none of the rest really matters.

1.  Be there
2. It's not about you
3. Engage: Go with whatever choices / approach / mental state your loved one is in  (see #2 above).  Some people experience non-consensual reality states due to the illness, the medicines or the nearness to passing, etc.  Recommended not to dispute their 'reality' or approach, even if they are 'stuck in denial' or approaching their situation in a way you would not... (see #2 yet again)

peace.

[FoundPeace]

Thanks everyone. Everything just feels so surreal right now. I definitely plan on giving him support and making him feel loved, but not pitied or whatever. And mak1277, thanks for the book suggestion. I'll see if I can find a copy.

[deborah]

My best friend died of cancer a few years ago. She was given 6 months to a year to live, and died exactly 8 weeks after being diagnosed. It was a torrid 8 weeks.

She was extremely worried about several things - things that were trivial, but caused her so much anxiety - I think it was the drugs. I just went about finding those things and taking care of them (some of them were very silly, but they mattered to her, and removing them removed some of the extreme stress she had). There was no point in arguing. I wanted her to be able to concentrate (as much as she could in the drug and operation induced world she was in) on the most important thing to her - leaving her affairs in order (she was a single mum with an under-aged daughter). I couldn't do anything for that.

Her daughter was in denial. As soon as I saw my friend I felt the doctors had been very optimistic, but her daughter knew she would live for another year - the doctors had said so. Even the day she died, the daughter thought she would live much longer. It seems that there is one (at least) in every family who is in denial of some sort. This can be very challenging for other people who are close. Dying also is a stressful time for the people around. They do irrational things that annoy you and cause everyone else more stress.

She had so many operations, hospital visits and chemo that they took all her time. They were worthless, made her mind more fuzzy and made her sicker (as in unable to function normally) when she needed all her wits about her. She had shopping bags full of drugs to take - several each time, at least 6 times a day. Getting her to all her appointments and caring for her when she wasn't in hospital required a great deal of assistance. People supplied frozen meals, became a taxi service, and stayed with her 24 hours a day.

I lived a long way from my friend. When I initially heard the diagnosis, I decided I would go down in a month, as I could clear some time for holidays from work. My mother said that if she had been given that little time I'd better go sooner. I went a few days later (when she got out of hospital), having managed to organize to work from there for two weeks. I really value my mother's advice. If I had waited she would already have been far too sick, as she was in palliative care for several weeks (usually palliative care is for only a week, so she was very very sick by then). I ended up being there for most of the remaining weeks and I don't regret it. Work was wonderful, and I worked some days and not others.

Although I was around, I didn't see her very much. She was too tired to see anyone for more than 10 minutes at a time. I did see her much more than that - I took her to hospital, and did other things. Just buying the things she needed took a great deal of time.

I guess that her death is one of the reasons I am retired. She died well before normal retirement age even though her parents lived well over normal life expectancies.

[PtboEliz]

Sorry for this bad news, FP. My lovely mom died of cancer a year and a half ago. There is some great advice here which I'd echo and only add:

Be present.
Take care of yourself so you that you have good energy to share.
Try to find things to smile and laugh about.

One thing about being with a loved one through an illness is that there can be great clarity about what is really important.. so much other stuff just falls away. I found this to be a great gift.

I hope things go as well as possible for your Dad. Keep us posted if you can..

[GizmoTX]

My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in 1994, when DS was a year old. She had moved near us a few years earlier so I was able to help & be near her. She was initially give 2 months, but chemo & later radiation for quality of life, not a cure, allowed her to live fairly well for a year. We had her stay with us for her chemo weekends & then move in to our home when her apartment lease was up. Although it was hard watching her become weaker & needing oxygen, we were able to really talk. Too much time is wasted in denial. I was initially afraid she would become despondent but that didn't happen. In home hospice was very helpful for her last 2 months; she died at our home, peacefully. I will always miss her, but I smile now. One thing that came out of her loss was our desire to spend more time with my MIL, the only remaining grandparent, in Chicago. We've spent every Christmas there since; she's now 98 & has increasing dementia, but we can still talk.

My father died in 1997 as a result of what should have been routine surgery for an abdominal aortic aneurysm -- all blood vessels in his legs irreversibly clotted. Years later we discovered that my siblings & I have an inherited blood clotting disorder.

My aunt, my mother's sister, was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 years ago. My cousins were planning a birthday party for her, but when I heard details about her condition, I asked to come see her in CA 3 weeks later, 6 weeks earlier than the birthday. They decided to move up the party to coincide with my visit & most of her family came to what was a bittersweet yet joyous reunion. She started hospice while I was still visiting & didn't reach her birthday.

Last summer a friend was also diagnosed with lung cancer. She put off any treatment to go visit her dying brother for 2 weeks, & by the time she returned, paralysis set in. We were able to visit but she died 2 months after her diagnosis. This has shocked me into seeing a doctor for some nagging symptoms of my own.

Losing any loved one is hard, & parents are harder. As tough as this is, knowing the diagnosis gives you the time remaining to connect. Memories help.

[Gray Matter]

You have my sympathies.  My mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year and went through several periods where we thought the end was just a matter of days away--she was even in hospice.  But she managed to rally and is doing well right now, though she will likely die from this.  Plus, the treatment (or something else) has really affected her memory, and I can't have the same deep, meaningful conversations I used to have with her.  She was my go-to person for advice on big things, so I really miss that.

You've already gotten good advice, but I want to add that you need to be good to yourself, too.  Sometimes being with an ill/dying parent can be so intense that you need to step away.  My sisters and I were good about giving each other breaks so we could go live our normal lives for periods of time, and almost forget what was happening, because we needed that and our kids needed that.

I echo the "be present" advice, though I sometimes find that one hard.  But I have to keep reminding myself not to let anticipatory grief interfere with the time we have remaining.  She's still here.  There is time to grieve when she is gone.  That said, I've been told that it's OK to grieve the loss of some things now (for example, our deep conversations) and not to deny my feelings, and that feels right, too.

Losing a parent is a hard, hard thing.  Because it is the natural order of things, and everyone goes through it, I somehow didn't think it would be so difficult, but it is.  I look around me at people who have lost their parents, and I am in a little awe that they all survived-I had no idea it was this hard.  And yet, they are all OK, they are all living their lives, so someday we will likely be OK too.

[MayDay]

Definitely look into palliative care.  If he is still treating the disease, he can get palliative care either through the hospital he is staying at, or through some hospice organizations.  Some hospices only provide hospice care- ie you can't be treating the disease and get hospice.  Hospice does allow continues treatment if it is for pain relief/quality of life. 

When looking for a hospice, look for a non-profit only.  He for profit ones tend to be dodgy.  They will have a social worker and grief counselor that you can talk to, and they often have things like children's summer camps and grief groups, and specific grief groups like women who have lost a mother, etc.  they usually have libraries of grief and death related books.  They will have a non-denominational chaplain if that is something you might like. 

The best part is that terminal patients on hospice live longer than those activively treating the disease!