How long is too long for family house guests to stay?

[frugalecon]

SIL sent an email asking if she and her three kids could stay with me and DH for 10 days this summer, minus DH's brother. She had earlier proposed that she and the kids stay in our house when we are away, but we have no trips planned at present.

She is pretty high maintenance, and the kids are pretty spoiled. We have one spare bedroom that doesn't get good AC, and a family room with a foldout couch. That is where my office area is, as well as the only TV.

Is it acceptable to say that you can stay for 3-4 days, or is there a family pass?

[Catbert]

In my family 3-4 days is about it.  Can go a bit longer (~1 week) if it's just one sister (w/o husband or kids) visiting another sister. 

[Vilgan]

Limiting it to 3 days for someone who is high maintenance is certainly reasonable. We have some family that are never invited more than 3 days at a time and some family/friends that could spend a few weeks if they wanted to.

[bobechs]

Not only is it acceptable to tell family members to keep well clear of you, it's an honored mmm traditipn.

[frugalmom]

For domestic travelers...I'd say 5 days/4 nights max. 

Now I do have a bunch of family members in Europe and I gladly host them for much longer stays, but honestly they tend to fly in and use my house as a home base.  See some of Chicago, then move onto other places.  So while there "stuff" may be at my house for 4 weeks, and they use my laundry etc.  In 4 weeks they may only spend 10 nights sleeping at my home.

The only exception are solo teens/young adults.  They can stay all summer if they wish.  For the cost of food I get entertainment and help around the house. 

[jade]

Not only is it acceptable to tell family members to keep well clear of you, it's an honored mmm traditipn.

lol!

What does your husband think? It doesn't sound like you want them to stay and it needs to work for you guys as well as them, in my opinion. I think you can make excuses, it does sound like it will be cramped but you know your family best and If that's a viable option.

[Mezzie]

Anything you want is acceptable, honestly. We had to turn down a couple guests last summer because our schedules couldn't accommodate them. The same has happened to us. Free home stays are a nice bonus, but shouldn't be expected, family or not.

We should be having guests over spring break for a week, but I'm off work that week, so it'll be fine.

[Frankies Girl]

45 minutes is too long if they're rude and demanding. 10 days and they invited themselves? Oh hell no....

Since it was an email, I'd shoot one back saying "Hey SIl, so sorry, but we're not accepting any overnight guests this year. I'm sure you can find some place that you and the kids can stay that will work out much better for you!" and then a short para about what's going on with you/hope y'all are doing well (pleasant chatty stuff to show you're not being a biach about things).

If she comes back with anything along the lines of "BUT we're FAAAAAAMILY - how dare you!" I'd just tell her sorry she feels that way, but their past visits were very stressful and your house is just not suited for lots of guests for days at a time. End of whatever. Then pleasantly/politely change subject.

Don't explain or try to justify - just repeat variations of: "Because we said it won't work for us." Keep it pleasant but firm: "So sorry you feel that way, but the answer is still no." as long as it takes for the message to stick.

[frugalecon]

Thanks for the feedback. We would prefer not to host her at all, but we don't want to create intrafamilial hard feelings. She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older, so there isn't a strong desire to create a deep bond with her. And we have given in to her unreasonable demands on other occasions and regretted it. But ideally we would have some sort of relationship with the kids.

[MonkeyJenga]

You were the person who kept giving money to your friend despite him pissing it away and showing no gratitude, right? You should focus on what YOU want to do. Stop worrying so much about pleasing other people.

Plus this sounds super fucked up:

She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older

You can cultivate a relationship with the kids in some other way, without making yourself miserable.

[frugalecon]

Plus this sounds super fucked up:

She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older

Can't really argue with that. The only thing worse than seeing her alone is...seeing her with her not-so-D-to-her-H. The constant sniping and passive-aggressive BS is not conducive to relaxation.

[TomTX]

You were the person who kept giving money to your friend despite him pissing it away and showing no gratitude, right? You should focus on what YOU want to do. Stop worrying so much about pleasing other people.

Plus this sounds super fucked up:

She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older

You can cultivate a relationship with the kids in some other way, without making yourself miserable.

Oh, Geez! Not this again.

Quit being a doormat for people who just take and take and don't give a shit about you.

[lizzzi]

You don't have room for them for 3-4 days, much less 10. Just say no

[o2bfree]

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

-Benjamin Franklin

[lifejoy]

3 days tops. Zero if you can stomach it.

[respond2u]

I used to visit my brother's family for 7-10 days every christmas with my daughter. We love each other, but that was about as long as we could endure it.

It sounds like they don't want to visit you, but instead want to stay in your house.
In that case, I'd start some remodeling in your guest bedroom and tell them you'd love to have them over, but they can't stay with you.

[greengardens]

In the words of my father "you're a guest for the first 7 days, on the 8th day you're a nuisance."  This was said to my aunt (moms sister) after she spent an entire month with my parents.

[ambimammular]

My in-laws are a flight (for 4) away, so we only see them once a year. Last time my MIL bemoaned that we were only staying 3 weeks. It's her only chance to see the grandkids. I keep thinking, really? we're really doing this? But it's not my family so I feel like I have less of a say. I spend much of the visit trying to clean up after my kidlets and keep our belongings as invisible as possible. I make sure I'm helping prepare food in the kitchen and washing/putting away any dishes.

The kids love it, and are very close to their grandma, but I feel an undercurrent of stress the whole time we're there, no matter the assurances I get. I also just miss my house and my space. And having the full range of my belongings at my disposal.

[Linea_Norway]

My DH and I always stay over at our parent's houses when we visit them. Upto 5 days. So there is no discussion about not hosting them at our house when they want to visit. FIL announced that he is going to stay with us for a week and that we don't need to take time off. We could decide which week.

But any other relatives with children, I would typically host for 2-3 days. That is enough. Same for friends, unless we would invite them over for a holiday with the both of us.
I did actually tell a friend (childhood friend's sister) that she and her family could visit us when going on vacation in Norway. But I did not mention how long. I hope she understands that a visit typically lasts 2-3 days.

[Villanelle]

For the general question, I don't think there's a set "too long".  It depends on the reason for the trip, frequency of visit, reciprocity, personalities, living situations, and more.  I once stayed with my parents for about 6 weeks when I was evacuated from the country where I was living.  They were thrilled to have me home for a while, and to provide shelter during a terrible time.  I'm planning a visit this summer and since it is a long, expensive international flight, they want me to stay a while.  I threw at the 10 days figure and my mom seemed disappointed and managed to sneak the phrase "2 weeks" into the conversation.  So clearly, long visits are fine.  But they have tons of space, I'd like to think I'm generally a low maintenance guest, I do this only every 2 years or so, and their lives continue while I'm there though an occasional tennis game might be skipped or bridge might be moved to someone else's house, but that's entirely their choice and mostly they keep their commitments).

In this particular case, I'd likely decline entirely.  I feel like it's easier to just say that it won't work than to say "well, you can come, but only for 5 days".  I'd consult my husband since it's about his family, but that would be my initial inclination.  What's the reason for the trip?  Are they coming to see you specifically, or are they using you as a hotel while they visit your area or just get away from home for a bit?  Regardless, you could include in your email or text some recommended hotels or vacation rentals.  "Sorry, Jane, but a stay at our house this summer isn't going to work.  Bob's Motel-o-Rama is just down the street and I've heard it's nice and affordable, or here's a link to 3 nearby vacation rentals.  Hopefully one of those will work for you!  And let us know when you'll be in town so we can schedule a few nights to get together for dinner or something!"

[ketchup]

High maintenance and spoiled kids would bring down the acceptable time pretty quickly in my book.

I've had a houseguest that I regretted allowing to stay more than an hour (obnoxious high-maintenance person that has to complain about everything and make hilarious demands and pretty much takes up an entire house by herself somehow), and one that I'd probably let move in with us if he had to (brother in law that fits our personality types perfectly, is very low impact on our household, would rather sleep on the floor than even a couch, and is generally awesome and carefree).

It depends a LOT on their personality, your personality, the kinds of accommodations you can physically offer, and quantity of people.  One well-behaved adult who's company you enjoy can have basically no impact on your household, but an adult plus kids, all of them obnoxious?  That would wear you down quickly.

[Dicey]

You were the person who kept giving money to your friend despite him pissing it away and showing no gratitude, right? You should focus on what YOU want to do. Stop worrying so much about pleasing other people.

Plus this sounds super fucked up:

She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older

You can cultivate a relationship with the kids in some other way, without making yourself miserable.

I <3 MJ. ^Well said!^

[FIT_Goat]

It really depends on the people involved.  I have one cousin whose whole family is welcome for as long as they want to stay, within reason.  They usually vacation for 1-2 weeks, which is a time-frame that I would gladly host them.  Coincidentally, they don't take advantage of this.  It's actually something I would need to push.  They refuse to be a burden or put me out.  They'd rather pay for a hotel room than suspect that I let them stay with me out of family obligation.

There are other family members who I'd welcome for 3 days to a week, without second thought.  We bought our house with a layout that accommodated guest visits, while still remaining fully useful when guests aren't there.  I hate the idea of an empty guest room that we don't use 360 days of the year.

Finally, there are a couple family members who aren't welcome for even one night.  The sister of the first cousin, mentioned above, is not welcome to stay at my house.  Not even for a single night.  If we had a family BBQ and she got drunk and didn't want to drive, she's not sleeping it off here.  We'll get her a taxi and she leaves that night.  We're not obligated to host her, even if she is family.  Our house, our choice in guests.

[Cranky]

Yeah, it really depends. Honestly, I don't have any limit, but I'm clear about what the accommodations are here... you get the futon in the office, or an air mattress in the basement. I will happily cook for you, but I expect you to entertain yourselves. Thus, there are some people who are welcome to stay for weeks, and some who won't enjoy it here for more than 24 hours.

[joonifloofeefloo]

Yep to much of the above responses!

With one family member, five minutes is a stretch. With another, forever would be fine :)

My brother and I were talking about this recently, when relatives declined to arrange a visit -even our idea of a cup of tea while we moteled elsewhere- because they have all these self-made rules about hosting. Their rules involve so much work -a sparkling house, guests take bedroom, three hearty from-scratch meals per day, a homemade dessert at least twice a day, a daily event, etc. No wonder they're "too tired" to receive guests! I would be, too!

I'm not too tired to receive guests because you're an adult so will cook for yourself, clean up after yourself, and sleep on the floor like I do, lol. I'm happy to get you from and to the airport, have the place stocked in your preferred foods for the length of your stay, ensure an option for privacy/solitude whenever needed, be stealth til you wake naturally, give you use of my car...and to me that's plenty of good hosting.

[LouLou]

It really depends on the people involved.  I have one cousin whose whole family is welcome for as long as they want to stay, within reason.  They usually vacation for 1-2 weeks, which is a time-frame that I would gladly host them.  Coincidentally, they don't take advantage of this.  It's actually something I would need to push.  They refuse to be a burden or put me out.  They'd rather pay for a hotel room than suspect that I let them stay with me out of family obligation.

There are other family members who I'd welcome for 3 days to a week, without second thought.  We bought our house with a layout that accommodated guest visits, while still remaining fully useful when guests aren't there.  I hate the idea of an empty guest room that we don't use 360 days of the year.

Finally, there are a couple family members who aren't welcome for even one night.  The sister of the first cousin, mentioned above, is not welcome to stay at my house.  Not even for a single night.  If we had a family BBQ and she got drunk and didn't want to drive, she's not sleeping it off here.  We'll get her a taxi and she leaves that night.  We're not obligated to host her, even if she is family.  Our house, our choice in guests.

This. I have family members who are excellent guests. They are neat, they managed their kids well, and they even pick up some groceries. They can stay as long as they want, I actively look forward to their visits. It honestly feels like a treat. There are other people I would not let spend the night.

Have your spouse tell SIL that she and the kids cannot stay for that long. Say you can host them for X days, however much you feel comfortable.

[frugalecon]

Things worked out so that everyone got what they want. We were honest about both our reservations due to the messed up family situation, as well as the limit on the number of days they could stay. SIL played the  blamey victim card and threw her husband under the bus. Upshot? She declared that she didn't want to come. So, she can be upset and we can have a peaceful home. Like I said, everyone got what they wanted.

[joonifloofeefloo]

Yay!!!!

[ambimammular]

Nice work! You dodged the bullet there.

[golfreak12]

I have a younger sister with 3 really cute but a bit spoiled kids.
We live near Disney and invited them 3 yrs ago and they loved it so every year after they just come for around the same time.
We didn't mind it as much the first couple of years but its getting unbearable as they don't tell their kids to behave while they're in our house.
This year was the 4th and I didn't answer them when they asked about coming. My wife didn't want the awkwardness so she told them to come. Its a becoming a bit much so I told him in a round about way they would have a more enjoyable time staying at Disney. I think they got the hint from here on.
I have an older brother with 2 wonderful behaved kids and they are welcomed to stay as long as they like.

[retired?]

Entirely depends on the person/family and how much there is to do.....i.e. will you be their source of entertainment of can they go out and about on their own?

We don't live near anything particularly interesting, but when I visit my parents (near the beach), we stay up to 2 weeks (although I admit that is starting to become too long for us). 

When we visit a relative in Oregon, similarly, we go out and about and don't feel like we are imposing if we stay over a week.

My MIL needs to be entertained, so it seems we've settled on 6 nights...it crept up from 3 to 4 to 6.  Otherwise, she just sits on the couch while we go about our day.

One sister could stay as long as she likes.  Other sister and kids, I would want to limit it to about 4-5 nights.

Mom could stay as long as she likes and we don't have to worry about my dad wanting to stay too long.

For friends families, I figure 3-4 nights is about all we could handle.

[Linea_Norway]

When we stayed with our FIL last time, who is now living alone, we made sure to shop food for at least half the days we stayed there, and cooked dinner. Because that is the worst part about having guests, having to cook a representable dinner for the whole bunch.
Some years ago we invited 2 friends to join a vacation with us, in our mountain cabin. Then I also made a deal with them that they should cook for half the days. As they are vegetarians, it was challenging for me to think out 9 veggy dishes. Much better that they had responsibility for half the time. They also payed for the food during those days. I thought this solution worked very well.

[Just Joe]

You were the person who kept giving money to your friend despite him pissing it away and showing no gratitude, right? You should focus on what YOU want to do. Stop worrying so much about pleasing other people.

Plus this sounds super fucked up:

She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older

You can cultivate a relationship with the kids in some other way, without making yourself miserable.

I <3 MJ. ^Well said!^

Maybe offer to host the kids for a period and take them around for some fun? I was closest to the family that invited us in the summer when I was a kid. Sometimes it was a trip to the amusement park. Sometimes it was a trip to the public park. Sometimes we went fishing. It was all good to me b/c my parents just worked alot.

Perhaps then SIL and her hubby can rekindle a friendship during this time alone?

I'm not hosting anyone that isn't at least in part coming to see us. Otherwise they can rent a bed elsewhere in town. I'm all about being friendly and giving but SiL sounds like she just wants a cheap/easy destination?

[chrisgermany]

We are part of a hospitality network (servas) . Thr rule says you can stay for 2 nights unless explicitely invited to stay for longer. As a guest you have to accept your hosts as they are, couch in living room or private room, food provided as your hosts would usually eat. No extras to be asked for.

As a guest with family I have always tried to implement the same rules and tried to make my hosts life as easy as possible by doing chores like lawn mowing, cooking or shopping + paying for meals.

Just had family here for 3 nights and loved every minute of it .

[Reynold]

My Dad was allowed to visit us for 10 days.  He was allowed to visit my brother and sister for 3-4 days, his personality bothered them more. 

Then again, I had a former work colleague whose inlaws would visit for 6 months at a time.  The inlaws and wife were Chinese, however, so it was expected that anything the parents wanted, they got.  :) 

[I'm a red panda]

For me, 10 days is too long even for people I like. Heck, even 7 gets a bit long.

I say 5 days max. 

Since you don't like them 3-4 days seems awfully generous.

[Daughn]

Thanks for the feedback. We would prefer not to host her at all, but we don't want to create intrafamilial hard feelings. She openly states that she plans to divorce DH's brother when the kids are older, so there isn't a strong desire to create a deep bond with her. And we have given in to her unreasonable demands on other occasions and regretted it. But ideally we would have some sort of relationship with the kids.

Sounds to me like she is just using you and you are letting her do so because you are afraid of what the other family member might think. You know what the other family members are probably thinking? bBetter she stays with you instead of them. Don't let this woman manipulate you. This is your home not a vacation resort.