How far would you go to live the life of your dreams?

[Giro]

This forum is all about independence and freedom from finances.  What about other dreams?  I have always wanted to have a second husband.  I know this isn't socially acceptable, but it has been my dream most of my adult life.  This is my third marriage and I know that this is it for me.  My husband and I are very happy together and very much in love.  We will be together forever.  I don't want to ruin that.  We've discussed this a bit and he agrees that a second husband would probably be perfect for me.  He would rather chew off his thumb than have a second wife. ha.  But, I really think it would work for us.  My first two marriages were not completely failures.  I learned a lot about myself and it made me the person I am today.  I have no regrets.

Is this just too far of a stretch?  Has anyone ever thought of doing something like this?  taken the leap? 

[MLKnits]

Unless I'm really missing something, I'd suggest googling "polyamory" or just "open marriage." Lots of people have more than one partner. If your current husband already understands where you're coming from, there's no reason not to look into it further.

[Cougar]

 I'm quite sure if you are willing to send pictures, you could get a lot of guys right here to volunteer for that.

 unfortunately, a financial blog probably isn't the best place to see that advice. I'm thinking searching something like Mormon life would be better help.


 shucks, I thought this was going to be a thread where people gave up their bmw habit to live on the beach.

[Katsplaying]

I'm on the other end of that: I'm the side piece for a married man with his wife's knowledge & permission. Our relationship is completely outside the "norm" so we get to define it however we like and  set whatever terms work for all of us. These terms are endlessly negotiable as circumstances change.

Publicly, they are a monogamous married couple. This is the trouble with non-traditional/open/poly/monogam-ish: no one hears about the ones that work because most cannot be open about it for fear of consequences. We only ever hear about the ones that go down in flames and everyone points at the non-traditional aspect as the cause, which may or may not be the case. Compare this to the LGBTQ issue: once upon a time, no one knew anyone who was gay/lesbian... until they realized they already did because coming out became safe(r). Today everyone knows someone who's trans: Caitlyn Jenner. Sooner or later, everyone will realize they already know someone who is not in a traditional marriage and that will no longer be a weird or unusual thing.

You know yourself, you know your spouse and only the two of you can decide if you're willing to take that step and try something really REALLY different. Open/poly/mongam-ish requires vast amounts of communication, deep self-examination, brutally open honesty, and willingness to do the work. When those things come together with people who value each other, it is amazing. Everyone's quality of life increases and there's more support in times of struggle.

[Insanity]

If I am not mistaken. The original post was asking if there is something you want that is outside the norm how far would you go to get it..  I don't think she was trying to put offers out :)

Me:  I have done marriage counseling, threatened to walk out, walked out, and now have bought a few things to hopefully get the life of my dreams -  a healthy marriage and not end it in divorce.

I may have to go the divorce route, but I will try everything to avoid it.

[forummm]

There are several other poly mustachians on this forum. A few just posted in this thread

http://forum.mrmoneymustache.com/welcome-to-the-forum/downsides-about-mmm's-ideas/msg706270/#msg706270

[taekvideo]

I'm on the other end of that: I'm the side piece for a married man with his wife's knowledge & permission. Our relationship is completely outside the "norm" so we get to define it however we like and  set whatever terms work for all of us. These terms are endlessly negotiable as circumstances change.

Publicly, they are a monogamous married couple. This is the trouble with non-traditional/open/poly/monogam-ish: no one hears about the ones that work because most cannot be open about it for fear of consequences. We only ever hear about the ones that go down in flames and everyone points at the non-traditional aspect as the cause, which may or may not be the case. Compare this to the LGBTQ issue: once upon a time, no one knew anyone who was gay/lesbian... until they realized they already did because coming out became safe(r). Today everyone knows someone who's trans: Caitlyn Jenner. Sooner or later, everyone will realize they already know someone who is not in a traditional marriage and that will no longer be a weird or unusual thing.

You know yourself, you know your spouse and only the two of you can decide if you're willing to take that step and try something really REALLY different. Open/poly/mongam-ish requires vast amounts of communication, deep self-examination, brutally open honesty, and willingness to do the work. When those things come together with people who value each other, it is amazing. Everyone's quality of life increases and there's more support in times of struggle.

No idea who that is... so I guess not everyone lol

[MLKnits]

Bragging about ignorance seems like the kind of thing that would be discouraged on this particular forum. I mean, google is just one tab away.

[GuitarStv]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

[shotgunwilly]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

I'm curious also.

[stlbrah]

I can't believe someone will volunteer to be a cuckold.

[Sam E]

Bragging about ignorance seems like the kind of thing that would be discouraged on this particular forum. I mean, google is just one tab away.

I'm not sure taekvideo was bragging, per se, but just pointing out that not everyone has heard of that person, and did so playfully at that. I haven't heard of her, either. If I want to know about her, I can google the name, you're right. But that won't change that Katsplaying's post was the first place I ever saw the name. In this case I wouldn't have mentioned it myself because the point was made clearly enough by Katsplaying and I just figured it must have been well-known news to other people.

Honestly, though, the "just hush up and google it" mentality/culture these days really puts a crimp in social interaction. People shouldn't be made to feel bad for not hearing about things, least of all on the internet, where people come from all over the globe. What's universal news in one location won't necessarily be known in another and people should be more open to providing explanation or sources to enlighten those who haven't heard. I really like the XKCD comic about this very thing:



</rant>

[Cookie78]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

[Poorman]

MLKnits - Ignoring celebrity pop culture isn't a sign of ignorance, but one of enlightenment.  MMM himself advocates for the Low Information Diet.  Feel free to google it.

[KungfuRabbit]

if you use her situation as an example there isn't a very high bar, i'd argue she doesn't have to go very far to get what she wants.  if you want to have a guy on the side and your husband doesn't care, i 100% guarantee you can get action tonight if you just open Craigslist.  the way you list your question there are not relationship consequences, so your risk is low, and you are a female, so if you are even moderately attractive your effort to find dates is also quite low.

that'd be like me saying a beer would make me happy, but we're out of beer.  i have to make a moderate effort to go to the liquor store, is it worth it?  luckily i'm not out of beer so it's even easier.   

[iknowiyam]

I do know a couple that is in an open relationship. They have been married for several years and appear happy. They let everyone she was in grad school with know pretty quickly. At first I thought she was over-sharing; then I realized she was both advertising and avoiding an awkward situation (where someone might see her out on the town and think she was cheating instead of exercising her freedom).

*Edit: Okay, this is not the same as having a second steady partner. I'm just saying there is not just one circumstance that makes people happy.

[Cecil]

My wife and I are poly. We both have another serious relationship, and we also date casually. In fact I'm going to my girlfriend's for the night tonight after I leave work.

It's extremely difficult, but rewarding. If getting married is like getting an undergrad degree, making polyamory work is like doing your PHd. It requires really good communication skills (they aren't as good as you think they are), a high level of emotional intelligence, and a willingness to introspect and work on yourself. It's not all ponies and rainbows. You are really just trading one set of problems for another. And there aren't many good guides on how do it - you have to make a lot of it up as you go along.

Read "Opening Up", then if you still like the idea, read "More Than Two". The latter is the poly bible of late.

[Mirwen]

Polyamory is more common than you might think.  It does take more work to maintain multiple relationships.  I had no issue finding additional partners.  I absolutely saw the boyfriends as secondary to my marriage though.  I never had a second husband and I'm not familiar with that setup among my poly friends, but it doesn't mean it can't work.  Open communication is very important.  My experience with polyamory is that it's not for me.  My husband and I still have a strong relationship and I feel that I learned something about myself from the experience. (BTW my husband was supportive and comfortable all the time. I was the one who became stressed and chose to re-establish monogamy.  It just makes me happier.) Look for local Poly meetup groups.  You'll learn a lot from other's experience.

[GuitarStv]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

[Letj]

This forum is all about independence and freedom from finances.  What about other dreams?  I have always wanted to have a second husband.  I know this isn't socially acceptable, but it has been my dream most of my adult life.  This is my third marriage and I know that this is it for me.  My husband and I are very happy together and very much in love.  We will be together forever.  I don't want to ruin that.  We've discussed this a bit and he agrees that a second husband would probably be perfect for me.  He would rather chew off his thumb than have a second wife. ha.  But, I really think it would work for us.  My first two marriages were not completely failures.  I learned a lot about myself and it made me the person I am today.  I have no regrets.

Is this just too far of a stretch?  Has anyone ever thought of doing something like this?  taken the leap?

May I ask how old you are? I can't imagine satisfying the physical needs of two men plus doing all the things I have and want to do.  If you can do that and your husband agrees then why not. Just not for me.

[MLKnits]

Bragging about ignorance seems like the kind of thing that would be discouraged on this particular forum. I mean, google is just one tab away.

I'm not sure taekvideo was bragging, per se, but just pointing out that not everyone has heard of that person, and did so playfully at that. I haven't heard of her, either. If I want to know about her, I can google the name, you're right. But that won't change that Katsplaying's post was the first place I ever saw the name. In this case I wouldn't have mentioned it myself because the point was made clearly enough by Katsplaying and I just figured it must have been well-known news to other people.

Honestly, though, the "just hush up and google it" mentality/culture these days really puts a crimp in social interaction. People shouldn't be made to feel bad for not hearing about things, least of all on the internet, where people come from all over the globe. What's universal news in one location won't necessarily be known in another and people should be more open to providing explanation or sources to enlighten those who haven't heard. I really like the XKCD comic about this very thing:

...

</rant>

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not knowing something. I'm all for people asking questions. There's something quite wrong about literally saying "this concept that I've just seen described as important, which I am reading on the internet, which I could instantly look up--what a perfect chance to show off how cool and counterculture I am by saying (true or not) that I'm unfamiliar with it!"

It wasn't a question. It was "ha, you SAY people know about this, but I don't know about this, so there." That's pride in ignorance.

[Cookie78]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

But the only reason you ask the question is because it is out of ordinary. You wouldn't ask a parent what was wrong with your first child that you feel the need to have a second child (thereby changing the relationship with the first), because that's already culturally acceptable.

Polyamory rejects the culturally accepted ideal that you must choose one and only one. It's not a solution to fix broken relationships, though some people do attempt that.

I can't answer the question for her. And maybe there actually is a concrete answer, maybe not. My own current relationship(s) began as polyamorous, so no such altering was required. In a general sense though, I think change and subsequent growth in a relationship is a marvelous thing, not something to be looked at as if something must be incomplete or unsatisfying.

[Schaefer Light]

This is officially the weirdest MMM thread I've ever clicked on.  I thought it was going to be about sleeping in a car and eating at a soup kitchen so you could quit your job ;).

[GuitarStv]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

But the only reason you ask the question is because it is out of ordinary. You wouldn't ask a parent what was wrong with your first child that you feel the need to have a second child (thereby changing the relationship with the first), because that's already culturally acceptable.

Polyamory rejects the culturally accepted ideal that you must choose one and only one. It's not a solution to fix broken relationships, though some people do attempt that.

I can't answer the question for her. And maybe there actually is a concrete answer, maybe not. My own current relationship(s) began as polyamorous, so no such altering was required. In a general sense though, I think change and subsequent growth in a relationship is a marvelous thing, not something to be looked at as if something must be incomplete or unsatisfying.

No.  I get that you really want to somehow make me into an anti-polywhateverist, but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question.

The reason to ask the question is that a significant change is being proposed.  If a monogamous person told me that he or she had a new significant other I'd have a similar question.  If everything is perfect with the current relationship you've got, there's no need to change.  If you feel the need to add another person to the relationship then clearly something is missing that you feel must be added.  Why else would you add the complication?  I was originally (and still am) questioning what was missing.

(Please note - I'm not suggesting that her current relationship is broken, just that there is clearly something that she wants to change about it.)  Change and growth in a relationship often happens . . . but it doesn't happen without cause.

[shotgunwilly]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

But the only reason you ask the question is because it is out of ordinary. You wouldn't ask a parent what was wrong with your first child that you feel the need to have a second child (thereby changing the relationship with the first), because that's already culturally acceptable.

Polyamory rejects the culturally accepted ideal that you must choose one and only one. It's not a solution to fix broken relationships, though some people do attempt that.

I can't answer the question for her. And maybe there actually is a concrete answer, maybe not. My own current relationship(s) began as polyamorous, so no such altering was required. In a general sense though, I think change and subsequent growth in a relationship is a marvelous thing, not something to be looked at as if something must be incomplete or unsatisfying.

No.  I get that you really want to somehow make me into an anti-polywhateverist, but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question.

The reason to ask the question is that a significant change is being proposed.  If a monogamous person told me that he or she had a new significant other I'd have a similar question.  If everything is perfect with the current relationship you've got, there's no need to change.  If you feel the need to add another person to the relationship then clearly something is missing that you feel must be added.  Why else would you add the complication?  I was originally (and still am) questioning what was missing.

(Please note - I'm not suggesting that her current relationship is broken, just that there is clearly something that she wants to change about it.)  Change and growth in a relationship often happens . . . but it doesn't happen without cause.

I agree with GuitarStv.  You can dance around the question all you want, but obviously there is something that is not being fulfilled in the current relationship that she wants fulfilled in another one. Whether it's an emotional need, physical need, or psychological need just to be different.  Do you want to have another husband to help you out with chores? Do you want another husband to buy you shit?  Do you want another husband because you have the sexual desire to fuck another human being besides your current husband?  It's a legitimate question and I too am curious, as I would just like to better understand.

[Katsplaying]

It isn't necessarily about changing the current paradigm so much as exploring options. I grew up with the cultural imperative of there's a one-and-only for everyone which is complete and utter bullshit. Not everyone has a one-and-only and many people live and die alone and that's ok. Happiness is where you create it and if having more than one love in your life works for you, go for it.

Most people do not want to acknowledge that open/poly/monogam-ish can be fulfilling and successful because it feels like a threat to their own relationship. We see that in the gay marriage debacle going on right now. It's been compared to hearing about someone else's trip to Disneyland and being pissed because even though you already went, you don't want them to go and have the same good time.

Everyone has a different definition of contentment & happiness. Some like the "norm" and get married to only one person forever. This is increasingly rare in the US, considering the 50% divorce rate so why not consider alternatives? My current partner enjoys the challenge of having 2 difficult but rewarding women in his life and I enjoy going back to my own home, my own life, after we're together. We all check in regularly about our emotional health, which is more than I have ever done in any past monogamous relationship. To me that is the primary benefit of being non-traditional: the requirement for communication is massive and pushed me into deeper self-examination around what I want and can do.

[Cookie78]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

But the only reason you ask the question is because it is out of ordinary. You wouldn't ask a parent what was wrong with your first child that you feel the need to have a second child (thereby changing the relationship with the first), because that's already culturally acceptable.

Polyamory rejects the culturally accepted ideal that you must choose one and only one. It's not a solution to fix broken relationships, though some people do attempt that.

I can't answer the question for her. And maybe there actually is a concrete answer, maybe not. My own current relationship(s) began as polyamorous, so no such altering was required. In a general sense though, I think change and subsequent growth in a relationship is a marvelous thing, not something to be looked at as if something must be incomplete or unsatisfying.

No.  I get that you really want to somehow make me into an anti-polywhateverist, but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question.

The reason to ask the question is that a significant change is being proposed.  If a monogamous person told me that he or she had a new significant other I'd have a similar question.  If everything is perfect with the current relationship you've got, there's no need to change.  If you feel the need to add another person to the relationship then clearly something is missing that you feel must be added.  Why else would you add the complication?  I was originally (and still am) questioning what was missing.

(Please note - I'm not suggesting that her current relationship is broken, just that there is clearly something that she wants to change about it.)  Change and growth in a relationship often happens . . . but it doesn't happen without cause.

I apologize if I'm coming across as trying to make you come across as 'anti-polywhateverist'. It's not my intention at all. I'm just trying to have a discussion. I can't answer your specific question, because I am not the person to whom your question was addressed, and I do not know her reasons. She does not seem to be interested in answering the question, so I was just contributing my thoughts on the subject in an attempt to explain that there MAY not be anything unsatisfying about her current relationship. Some people just like to explore and grow. Or maybe she just has a higher sex drive. Who knows.

I am curious and confused by your statement "but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question". Can you please elaborate what you mean by this?

[Cookie78]

It isn't necessarily about changing the current paradigm so much as exploring options. I grew up with the cultural imperative of there's a one-and-only for everyone which is complete and utter bullshit. Not everyone has a one-and-only and many people live and die alone and that's ok. Happiness is where you create it and if having more than one love in your life works for you, go for it.

Most people do not want to acknowledge that open/poly/monogam-ish can be fulfilling and successful because it feels like a threat to their own relationship. We see that in the gay marriage debacle going on right now. It's been compared to hearing about someone else's trip to Disneyland and being pissed because even though you already went, you don't want them to go and have the same good time.

Everyone has a different definition of contentment & happiness. Some like the "norm" and get married to only one person forever. This is increasingly rare in the US, considering the 50% divorce rate so why not consider alternatives? My current partner enjoys the challenge of having 2 difficult but rewarding women in his life and I enjoy going back to my own home, my own life, after we're together. We all check in regularly about our emotional health, which is more than I have ever done in any past monogamous relationship. To me that is the primary benefit of being non-traditional: the requirement for communication is massive and pushed me into deeper self-examination around what I want and can do.

Wow , this is exactly how I feel too. Very well said. If I had to pick a reason why I am poly this would be it, even though I didn't know the extent to which it would happen before I decided to try.

[regulator]

This is officially the weirdest MMM thread I've ever clicked on.  I thought it was going to be about sleeping in a car and eating at a soup kitchen so you could quit your job ;).

+1.  Can we go back to gay marriage, ACA subsidies, and reusing disposable stuff?

[GuitarStv]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

But the only reason you ask the question is because it is out of ordinary. You wouldn't ask a parent what was wrong with your first child that you feel the need to have a second child (thereby changing the relationship with the first), because that's already culturally acceptable.

Polyamory rejects the culturally accepted ideal that you must choose one and only one. It's not a solution to fix broken relationships, though some people do attempt that.

I can't answer the question for her. And maybe there actually is a concrete answer, maybe not. My own current relationship(s) began as polyamorous, so no such altering was required. In a general sense though, I think change and subsequent growth in a relationship is a marvelous thing, not something to be looked at as if something must be incomplete or unsatisfying.

No.  I get that you really want to somehow make me into an anti-polywhateverist, but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question.

The reason to ask the question is that a significant change is being proposed.  If a monogamous person told me that he or she had a new significant other I'd have a similar question.  If everything is perfect with the current relationship you've got, there's no need to change.  If you feel the need to add another person to the relationship then clearly something is missing that you feel must be added.  Why else would you add the complication?  I was originally (and still am) questioning what was missing.

(Please note - I'm not suggesting that her current relationship is broken, just that there is clearly something that she wants to change about it.)  Change and growth in a relationship often happens . . . but it doesn't happen without cause.

I apologize if I'm coming across as trying to make you come across as 'anti-polywhateverist'. It's not my intention at all. I'm just trying to have a discussion. I can't answer your specific question, because I am not the person to whom your question was addressed, and I do not know her reasons. She does not seem to be interested in answering the question, so I was just contributing my thoughts on the subject in an attempt to explain that there MAY not be anything unsatisfying about her current relationship. Some people just like to explore and grow. Or maybe she just has a higher sex drive. Who knows.

I am curious and confused by your statement "but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question". Can you please elaborate what you mean by this?

Your responses first implied that I thought her behavior was in some way wrong because it is different, then in your next post you spent time explaining to me what I think.  With respect, from where I'm sitting it appears you went into the conversation tilting at windmills because of some prejudgement against me.

[Cookie78]

What are you unsatisfied with in your current relationship that motivates you to feel a need for a second husband?  Are we talking sex, companionship, different interests . . . ?

Why does something have to be unsatisfying in the relationship? Just because she wants something that's outside of the cultural norm?

By the way, adding another relationship into a currently unsatisfying relationship is a recipe for disaster. But she states that their current relationship is great. Sounds like the communication, trust, and understanding are great too.

Because of the attempt to alter it by adding a new person.  If the relationship were satisfying and complete, why would you take steps to change it?

But the only reason you ask the question is because it is out of ordinary. You wouldn't ask a parent what was wrong with your first child that you feel the need to have a second child (thereby changing the relationship with the first), because that's already culturally acceptable.

Polyamory rejects the culturally accepted ideal that you must choose one and only one. It's not a solution to fix broken relationships, though some people do attempt that.

I can't answer the question for her. And maybe there actually is a concrete answer, maybe not. My own current relationship(s) began as polyamorous, so no such altering was required. In a general sense though, I think change and subsequent growth in a relationship is a marvelous thing, not something to be looked at as if something must be incomplete or unsatisfying.

No.  I get that you really want to somehow make me into an anti-polywhateverist, but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question.

The reason to ask the question is that a significant change is being proposed.  If a monogamous person told me that he or she had a new significant other I'd have a similar question.  If everything is perfect with the current relationship you've got, there's no need to change.  If you feel the need to add another person to the relationship then clearly something is missing that you feel must be added.  Why else would you add the complication?  I was originally (and still am) questioning what was missing.

(Please note - I'm not suggesting that her current relationship is broken, just that there is clearly something that she wants to change about it.)  Change and growth in a relationship often happens . . . but it doesn't happen without cause.

I apologize if I'm coming across as trying to make you come across as 'anti-polywhateverist'. It's not my intention at all. I'm just trying to have a discussion. I can't answer your specific question, because I am not the person to whom your question was addressed, and I do not know her reasons. She does not seem to be interested in answering the question, so I was just contributing my thoughts on the subject in an attempt to explain that there MAY not be anything unsatisfying about her current relationship. Some people just like to explore and grow. Or maybe she just has a higher sex drive. Who knows.

I am curious and confused by your statement "but your prejudices have nothing to do with my question". Can you please elaborate what you mean by this?

Your responses first implied that I thought her behavior was in some way wrong because it is different, then in your next post you spent time explaining to me what I think.  With respect, from where I'm sitting it appears you went into the conversation tilting at windmills because of some prejudgement against me.

Be assured, I have no judgments against you. I didn't think you thought her behaviour was wrong. If I had thought that I wouldn't have bothered responding.

[Giro]

Wow, I did not realize how much this thread took off.  I've been crazy busy at work, not that I didn't want to respond.

I'm not "missing" anything in my current relationship at all.  I love my relationship and we are incredibly happy, it's not that at all.  The child analogy was pretty much spot on.  It's not that something was wrong with the first child to make you have a second.  That's precisely how I feel.

And I'm 40 years old, for whoever asked.  I'm FI, so I don't need someone to "buy me shit" and I have sex every morning so it's not that I'm sexually unfulfilled.  I have the libido to perform 2-3 times a day so I don't think that would be an issue.  And we aren't talking just in my peak, I've had a high sexual libido my entire adult life.

I just think the lifestyle is extremely attractive to me.  I'm certainly not looking for a fling or just a side piece.  I'm truly looking for a lifelong second partner. 

 

[regulator]

Giro, maybe I am hard of thinking today (would not be a surprise), but tell what I am missing:

- You are happily married
- Your husband apparently is performing regularly (assuming the every morning did not include other people)
- You have a great relationship
- You have had past not-so-great relationships

Tell me why you want to take a chance of ruining your marriage?

[Sam E]

Wow, I did not realize how much this thread took off.  I've been crazy busy at work, not that I didn't want to respond.

I'm not "missing" anything in my current relationship at all.  I love my relationship and we are incredibly happy, it's not that at all.  The child analogy was pretty much spot on.  It's not that something was wrong with the first child to make you have a second.  That's precisely how I feel.

And I'm 40 years old, for whoever asked.  I'm FI, so I don't need someone to "buy me shit" and I have sex every morning so it's not that I'm sexually unfulfilled.  I have the libido to perform 2-3 times a day so I don't think that would be an issue.  And we aren't talking just in my peak, I've had a high sexual libido my entire adult life.

I just think the lifestyle is extremely attractive to me.  I'm certainly not looking for a fling or just a side piece.  I'm truly looking for a lifelong second partner. 

 

I don't think GuitarStv meant to imply something must be wrong with your relationship, but was simply looking for the particular reason that having a second partner is so attractive of an idea for you.

To use the child analogy, someone might actually ask someone else why they're having a second child. There's usually a reason, such as just wanting to raise another baby, wanting the first child to have a sibling for any number of reasons, that they have a goal for a number of children (and reasons why they picked that number)... I could go on.

You say that having a second partner would be good for you and that you would like it, but that's vague. Why do you think that? I'm curious to know the answer, too, because I don't think that way myself and would like insight from your perspective.

[sunday]

I don't see why you don't just go for it. I mean, technically it's not another husband because that's not allowed legally (in the US anyway), but it could be another husband in name and spirit. How consenting adults conduct their relationships is not anyone else's business. I don't know why people presume you "must be missing something," but you know yourself best and you and your husband doesn't have to justify it to anyone else.

[Sofa King]

 I'm 40 years old and I have sex every morning so it's not that I'm sexually unfulfilled.  I have the libido to perform 2-3 times a day so I don't think that would be an issue.  And we aren't talking just in my peak, I've had a high sexual libido my entire adult life.


 

Being serious here.  Have you ever had sex with more than one man at a time? You sound like you can take on 3 or 4 guys at once no problem!! Your husband is a lucky man!!!  :  )

[regulator]

Cue the 70s funk soundtrack...

[Dicey]

My wife and I are poly. .. You are really just trading one set of problems for another.

Wow! You just made a very convincing anti-poly argument. If it really is as you say, why bother? Forbidden fruit? Thrills?

[CanuckExpat]

I have always wanted to have a second husband.  I know this isn't socially acceptable, but it has been my dream most of my adult life. 
..
Is this just too far of a stretch?  Has anyone ever thought of doing something like this?  taken the leap?

Tell me why you want to take a chance of ruining your marriage?

Polyamory is very much a thing, and if that is what the OP wants to explore, please do, with an open heart and open mind, like you would any new experience.

As for the other questions, it seems a lot of people are assuming that that something is missing in the in OPs life or relationship, and what s/he is proposing is very out of the ordinary. But that is probably only because they are coming from a very different world view.

Dan Savage has done a lot to help popularize non-monogamy, and he makes for good reading. Meet the Monogamish:

Why do most people assume that all nonmonogamous relationships are destined to fail? Because we only hear about the ones that do.
...
But we rarely hear from happy couples who aren't monogamous, because they don't want to be perceived as dangerous sex maniacs who are destined to divorce.
..
This state of affairs—couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and wound up divorced won't shut up; couples who experimented with nonmonogamy and are still together won't speak up—allows smug and insecure monogamists to run around insisting that there's no such thing as happy, stable monogamish couples.

Also, this should maybe go into off-topic. Unless Giro has insights on early retirement and financial independence with two husbands :)
But it's been an entertaining and very civil thread. I am impressed.

[Cougar]

"How far would you go to live the life of your dreams?"

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."
-Conan

seemed appropriate for this thread.

[Cecil]

My wife and I are poly. .. You are really just trading one set of problems for another.

Wow! You just made a very convincing anti-poly argument. If it really is as you say, why bother? Forbidden fruit? Thrills?

I'm not trying to convince anyone to be poly. If it's right for you, you don't need me to sell it to you. I would rather warn people away from it who imagine it to be all rainbows and butterflies.

There are lots of benefits. Different people bring out different parts of my personality, and I get to experience awesome relationships with different people. The sex can be pretty rad too. Everyone is different, and fulfills different needs.

It's nice having more people around to support you. With a big network of relationships, it's like always having a personal army at your back. The whole community loves and supports each other.

For those with kids, it's a huge benefit to have 3 or 4 adults around. You can have a date night without needing to find babysitting, you can spread the work around a bit.

That said, there are new problems that you don't usually have in monogamous relationships.

[matchewed]

Not to drive you away, but as others have suggested maybe a polyamory forum would be a more appropriate place where you would get supportive and actionable feedback on your ideas. You'll probably just get the full spectrum from this forum (full on hatred to full on support and everything between). Wish you luck in fulfilling your chosen path.

[iknowiyam]

Giro, would you contribute to 2 households (which is the financial side) or would you 3 live together under one roof? Would you accept a partner who had kids to add to the house too? Just exploring the financial impact here.

I myself have gone to great lengths to be happy, although in very different ways. It's not easy, and many people will not understand. Still, it is nice to be able to be myself now. I'm full-time me.  : )

[Schaefer Light]

It's not really marriage if you're sleeping with someone else.

[iknowiyam]

It's not really marriage if you're sleeping with someone else.  I said it because no one else would did.

Fixed that for ya. You're not speaking for everyone here, clearly.

[Cycling Stache]

What this thread shows is how otherwise diverse the people are who have gotten onboard with Mustachianism.  Way to go, MMM!

[Kriegsspiel]

"How far would you go to live the life of your dreams?"

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women."
-Conan

seemed appropriate for this thread.

"Well... I won't murder."
-Leslie Knope

[firewalker]

WOW! Where is Jerry Springer when you need him? He could have built an entire season around this thread!   Oh, by the way, who is Leslie Snopes?   OH, sorry, I didnt mean that! I'll Bing that right away!     edit: Oh, Knopes! Sorry again. Who is Leslie Knopes?

[Kriegsspiel]

WOW! Where is Jerry Springer when you need him? He could have built an entire season around this thread!   Oh, by the way, who is Leslie Snopes?   OH, sorry, I didnt mean that! I'll Bing that right away!     edit: Oh, Knopes! Sorry again. Who is Leslie Knopes?

This is Leslie Knope, talking to you. About tomorrow.

[deborah]

Wow - This thread was far from what I expected when I read it. Thought it was going to be more along the lines of "I'll live on $2/day in a cargo container and swab decks on a rusted out old Chinese freighter so I can travel the world" kind of thing not the "I want 2 husbands or 3 wives or the entire cast of Magic Mike XXL to live with me as my slaves" (OK so I want THAT!). 

Well since, besides Magic Mike and pals, I don't want a spouse, I will say I would go pretty far to live my dream life. I would quit work early and live on very little money to travel or just be free to do "whatever" with my time. I'd be happy in a tiny shared place or studio apt with minimal stuff and not a lot of savings if that was what I needed to live my dreams. I would probably even live in a cargo container on a Chinese freighter to make that happen (actually that sounds fun!). Fortunately I don't have to do that 'cause...MMM!

I agree with you - my life is so good since I retired that I think it would really take a lot for me not to live my dreams.

By the way - who is Magic Mike - or don't I want to know?