How do I make my wife "feel" like we have more money?

[LadyDividend]

This is tough. When I really am tight with my spending, I always feel like I'm in feast or famine mode.... usually the latter to be honest. I found that being a little looser with my weekly spending money, and upping it by $50 a week, allowed me to feel like I had a lot more money for snacks and "other on a whim" purchases. Plus it means I am more likely to keep on my goals because I am happy.

It seems like maybe you are satisfied, but she is not. Talk to her and see what would make her feel better about having such a strict budget.

[partgypsy]

First of all, acknowledge her opinion.  Marriages don't work with a my way or the highway attitude. Maybe it is your goal to retire at 35-40. But - maybe it is not hers! How you each acknowledge each other's goals?
If you just say this is the way it's going to be, the other person will not feel like an equal partner and that will cause trouble down the road. I also agree on the idea of each person getting their own separate spending account, where allowance is put each month.
I would also maybe sit down, yourself, and with her, and step back and talk about your goals and desires in life? 

[Apple_Tango]

First I've talked to my wife multiple times about my end goal being FIRE. She is a bit wishy washy about the whole situation. Meaning one second she is like "Yeah that makes since and it is completely doable." And the next she is saying that the idea of retiring before we are 40 is ludicrous and not something she even wants to do.

She loves to read, but hates reading about finance and money and whatnot, so I've suggested she give a couple of books a chance..

Try some podcasts!!! They can be more fun than reading, especially if it's an interview The Mad Fientist has some great ones about how he is rapidly pursuing FIRE from his software engineering job, but his wife loves being an optometrist and doesn't think she'll ever quit work. And he's totally fine with that. She is more spendy than him, so I believe they do partially separated finances.  Try to get her to listen to the one where he interviews his wife :) Actually...you should listen to that one too!

[Imma]

I think (partially) separated finances are a very good idea for most marriages, but that's something you'll have to decide for yourselves of course. I know so many people who fight over money all the time and I'm just so glad we never do that. We agree on the basics and while we rationally know about each others' spending (we don't hide our purchases or anything crazy like that) we don't really feel that spending because it doesn't come out of our personal accounts.

I still have this feeling of FIRE being your project and you wanting to 'convert' her. Just be prepared to accept that might never happen and you don't have the right to make that decision for the both of you. If she doesn't 'convert', then maybe separating your finances more than you are currently doing is the answer.

[COEE]

Who says you have to get your wife on board at all?  My wife isn't really on board with FIRE either... and she seems to have an infatuation with having a fancy pants house.  One day not long ago I said to her.  "I know you want a larger house with fancier things, but I'm comfortable here and I want to be FI in X years.  Right now, getting you this fancy pants house means I have to add at least 2 years to my retirement date, which is something I don't really want to do.  If you'd like a larger/fancier house would you mind getting an extra job to bring in some more money to support that dream of yours?"  And she said she would.  Done.  This also helps her feel like she has skin in the game - I'm not a sole provider for our house - she is providing financially as well.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't both need to have the same dreams.  She's supported my dreams, and I've supported hers over the years, but our dreams have been distinctly different.  And we've found ways to merge our dreams together so that we are both happy.

[channtheman]

One other thought to consider:  are you sure she actually wants to change anything?  Or does she just want a sympathetic ear to vent about occasional frustrations?  My DH is an engineer and wants me to be happy, which means that every time I got frustrated or unhappy about something, he saw it as a problem that he needed to fix.  But sometimes I just wanted to vent about someone being a jackass at work; I didn't need or want a white knight to ride in to rescue me, and his "helpful" suggestions about how to solve my problems sounded to me like he didn't think I was smart enough or capable enough to fix it on my own.  I finally learned to say "just venting here, not looking for advice" -- but it took us a few years of marriage to figure that out.

This was some of the best advice I ever received, but didn't actually implement until I was married.  Then this video came out and the absurdity of it really hit the nail on the head ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

My wife and I have been married for about 1.5 years and we are just now realizing this.  It's my natural instinct to provide solutions and fixes when my wife is venting her frustrations, when all she actually wants is a listening ear and some empathy.  A simple hug and backrub with an "I'm sorry you're going through this" makes her feel so much better than my instinctive analytical approach.

[Kakashi]

Graph your net worth.  I use networthshare.com
Let her see the graph heading upwards month over month

[soccerluvof4]

My DW is alot like yours in that she seems wishy washy. She always  has a book in her hand but years back when I came up with the idea of being fired it was like pulling teeth to get her to read. In some instances we would actually argue about it.  But the reality was she just trusted my decisions and didn't really care but like your wife would then say something that seemed the opposite. Long and short of it overtime I realized I was just simply more excited/ wanted to be aggressive about it and she was fine either way. Communication is definitely the main thing to get right and seems like thats improving. You guys will figure it out as long as you keep communicating.

[SweetTPi]

First I've talked to my wife multiple times about my end goal being FIRE. She is a bit wishy washy about the whole situation. Meaning one second she is like "Yeah that makes since and it is completely doable." And the next she is saying that the idea of retiring before we are 40 is ludicrous and not something she even wants to do.

This stood out to me, since I had the same issue... with myself!  I'm single, and so the only person I have to convince is myself, and yet I still go back and forth.

It might help if you don't frame it so tightly into early retirement.  Sacrilege on these boards, I know, but it might help.  What I told myself starting out the most was this: the future is uncertain, and having a greater stash isn't going to hurt if plans change.

Things so far out can seem so uncertain, and some of us are worriers about all the what-ifs that can happen, and how those things could derail the plan and make everything moot.  It might help if you, instead of focusing just on early retirement at a set date, focus on how trying to get there will help in the future by creating greater flexibility and stability.

[DumpTruck]

My wife and I are both 24 years old. Almost debt free, and about to close on a house (166k after closing costs). Together we make about 42k per year and for the most part of our marriage, i've felt like we have been doing pretty good financially.

I don't spend a lot of money...period. Most of my money goes toward the occasional video game on steam (<$20) or a beer with my friends. She is definitely the spender between the two of us, but I don't think she really spends that much either. For the most part our money goes where it needs to via direct deposit. (i.e. 11% goes to my roth ira, 7% into my employee matched 401k, usually a couple hundred goes toward paying off her student loans early, and she has a contribution into her 401k.) By the end of it all, we usually stick around 200-300 in our actual checking account after rent and utilities.

This has always been fine for me, but last night she expressed concerns that she feels like we never have any money. We've talked about our goals of being FIREd and when I see my investments go up and that money go toward loans...it makes me satisfied on the inside. I don't feel the need for stuff....or more money, but it seems that isn't enough for her. How can I explain to her that though she cannot see the money, we are actually on a great path right now?

Maybe buy the book "The Power of Now"

It helped me not want things. When there is an infinite universe of peace and love waiting it's easy to forget about worldly possessions. 

[Linea_Norway]

Thanks for all the advice guys. I just wanted to post a few updates...

First I've talked to my wife multiple times about my end goal being FIRE. She is a bit wishy washy about the whole situation. Meaning one second she is like "Yeah that makes since and it is completely doable." And the next she is saying that the idea of retiring before we are 40 is ludicrous and not something she even wants to do.

She loves to read, but hates reading about finance and money and whatnot, so I've suggested she give a couple of books a chance..
But I really don't know how I am supposed to get her on board for all of this. She cares a lot about what our friends and family are going to think of us if we quit working at 35-40 years old.

Second, I have looped her in (even) more about where all our money is and how it is being used/invested. She seems to understand that and is really on my side about all of this now...now that she sees where our money is and that it is compounding its really helped.her concerns.

It seems like you are on the same line now thinking about investments and compounding. That is the important part. The idea of retiring early can grow later. For now it is important to focus on not becoming a spendy pants, but rather invest and let your money grow bigger by itself.

And there is no obligation to stop working after reaching FI. You are simply in a position to choose your job and working conditions much better than today.

[GreenSheep]

To add to what Malkynn said, have you read the frugalwoods.com blog? They have a lot of inspiring discussions of the joys of frugal living for its own sake. They find great joy in living frugally, without any sense of deprivation, as it helps them hone in on what's most important in life, and they've made their saved money work for them to provide a life they love. Maybe that would resonate with your wife.

[Money Badger]

@cnash1303,  Sounds like the home purchase is the catalyst for changing some things for the good in your marriage.  That's far more valuable than the retiring early...   It took me a looong time to admit it, but my wife had to be totally on board and the way to that is to put her in charge for a period of time you both agree on so she sees what you've been planning and buys in.   But if you are just complaining to her about spending or arguing at all about "why", that's the big red flag that says your teamwork needs work.    It's AMAZING how much better it gets when she sees what it takes to make the house purchase responsible, knows the math each month and you are both very determined in advance of how you'll spend your money every pay period.   Every month.   No exceptions.   No cheating.   And it's OK to change the plan as long as you talk about it first!   Wealth is just a symptom of good teamwork at that point.