Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?

[ysette9]

Posting to follow, and hopefully comment later when I have more time

[MrThatsDifferent]

I can't tell if I'm having a mid-life crisis or if I'm just depressed.  Either way, it's not much fun.  I hope I can say I survived it in a few years.

Do you have a bike?

No.  Even if I did, I'd be scared to ride it on the roads in my area.  I do get plenty of exercise, though.

The social aspect of cycling can be a lot of fun too.  It's much more enjoyable if you ride in packs, and it tends to minimize harassment from drivers (in some remote places, it seems like riding solo can be an invitation for harassment).

Screw the road, hit the trails. Way more fun.

Gross.  Keep your baggy spandex and hairy legs away from me.  :P

I love riding my bike but don’t get the pack element of it. I see it everywhere though. It just seems weird. First, guys are all in those outfits like they are pro cyclists and why do they need sponsors on their clothes? Then, it’s all about the super expensive bikes. It just feels like dick measuring. I don’t know. I ride to get from point A to B quick and easy. I’m not doing it to measure up with other men or whatever the hell is going on there. I really don’t get it.

I spend most of my time riding solo as well, but it's a lot of fun to join up with a group and hammer along for a good distance.  You go tremendously fast for much less effort.  Solo, a hundred km takes me a little over three hours.  With a fast group I can do the same in just over two and a half, while chatting with the guy next to me.  My touring bike isn't expensive, and isn't made of fancy carbon.  Close fitting clothing is important, and when you're rooting through the bargain bins in the fall/winter you can't be too picky about what sponsors happen to be on the shirts.  :P

I guess. That’s far more riding than I do. I have a 15 min bike commute to work in a HCOL city and anywhere else I ride is 5-30 min away. I have no desire to ride 100km. If I have that much time to spend, I’d rather be playing tennis.

[BeautifulDay]

I think I'm coming out of a midlife crisis. I'm 38 and I guess it started at 36. I felt completely trapped and stressed at work.  I felt like a complete failure.  I literally lived at work. My employer offers housing because there is an expectation that you will basically always be on call, the stress was consuming me.  I was melting down.  I wanted to get my financial shit in line so that I could retire asap or at the very least be able to look at other jobs even with a pay cut.  I really wanted to move to, well, anywhere but here. I was ready to give up everything but I really couldn't afford to..  I think if I wasn't married I'd be long gone, probably on the other side of the globe teaching English or something. But instead I stayed and worked thru the issues.

Talked to my boss about the work issues that were stressing me.  And actually got some help! It was amazing to ask for help and get it. And, to see that my boss valued my work enough that he was patient with me while I got my shit together.

I moved out of the company housing.  Purchased a personal cell phone so I can turn off the company cell when not working.  And I got much needed space and balance in my life.  I actually received a small raise because I gave up the housing "benefit."

DH and I have been doing more outdoorsy stuff, camping, hiking. We need to keep working on our health and get more active.

[DreamFIRE]

I can't tell if I'm having a mid-life crisis or if I'm just depressed.  Either way, it's not much fun.  I hope I can say I survived it in a few years.

Do you have a bike?

No.  Even if I did, I'd be scared to ride it on the roads in my area.  I do get plenty of exercise, though.

The social aspect of cycling can be a lot of fun too.  It's much more enjoyable if you ride in packs, and it tends to minimize harassment from drivers (in some remote places, it seems like riding solo can be an invitation for harassment).

Screw the road, hit the trails. Way more fun.

Gross.  Keep your baggy spandex and hairy legs away from me.  :P

I love riding my bike but don’t get the pack element of it. I see it everywhere though. It just seems weird. First, guys are all in those outfits like they are pro cyclists and why do they need sponsors on their clothes? Then, it’s all about the super expensive bikes. It just feels like dick measuring. I don’t know. I ride to get from point A to B quick and easy. I’m not doing it to measure up with other men or whatever the hell is going on there. I really don’t get it.

I spend most of my time riding solo as well, but it's a lot of fun to join up with a group and hammer along for a good distance.  You go tremendously fast for much less effort.  Solo, a hundred km takes me a little over three hours.  With a fast group I can do the same in just over two and a half, while chatting with the guy next to me.  My touring bike isn't expensive, and isn't made of fancy carbon.  Close fitting clothing is important, and when you're rooting through the bargain bins in the fall/winter you can't be too picky about what sponsors happen to be on the shirts.  :P

I guess. That’s far more riding than I do. I have a 15 min bike commute to work in a HCOL city and anywhere else I ride is 5-30 min away. I have no desire to ride 100km. If I have that much time to spend, I’d rather be playing tennis.

I've ridden many thousands of miles biking, and the vast majority of it is by myself.  I like riding when I want, where I want, at the pace I like, take breaks when I prefer, and as far as I want.  Biking is in part an escape for me.  I also do most of my riding where there is only the occasional car that passes by.  I didn't see any evidence that I was slowing down any through my 40's, but I'm not in it for racing.

Nothing in my life feels like it has been a mid-life crisis.  I had the younger girlfriends even when I was in my upper 20's, and I was only 32 when I had a red sports car, so I don't think that would qualify.   Now that I'm much older, I could afford the fancy sports car but am driving a 11 year old family car.  I've had motorcycles consistently since I was a kid, so I can't say that's a midlife crisis.  My interest in motorcycle riding is actually waning in recent years.

I agree with @driftwood that the term midlife crisis often focuses on the negative and foolhardy choices made by people who have finally gained the awareness to realize the prescribed life that society spoon feeds then is really unfulfilling. And yes, many of those stereotypical poor choices are made by people.

I think at the top of that list is getting married and having kids, only to be miserable in their choices the rest of their lives.  I learned early on that I didn't want to go that route that society expects of you.  I wanted to carve my own path, and I have.  That's probably a big factor in me not having a midlife crisis that so many other people experience.

[BeautifulDay]

I agree with @driftwood that the term midlife crisis often focuses on the negative and foolhardy choices made by people who have finally gained the awareness to realize the prescribed life that society spoon feeds then is really unfulfilling. And yes, many of those stereotypical poor choices are made by people.

I think at the top of that list is getting married and having kids, only to be miserable in their choices the rest of their lives.  I learned early on that I didn't want to go that route that society expects of you.  I wanted to carve my own path, and I have.  That's probably a big factor in me not having a midlife crisis that so many other people experience.

I think it is interesting that people who are in crisis over foolhardy choices often go out and make more foolhardy choices. I'm sure this is true of many people who go thru a midlife crisis.  However, for some like me, the crisis was more of a realization that I was lacking balance in my life and that it was okay for me to set boundaries and take care of myself.

Like you @DreamFIRE I also decided that kids were not for me although I am married to someone compatible with me.  I think if we had chosen to have children when we didn't want any, this whole midlife crisis would be a very different story. 

[MrThatsDifferent]

I think what many are missing is that at the heart of a mid-life crisis is an identity conflict. Some people become a bit lost in who they are and who they want to be as they transistion to a period in life when the body degrades, while wealth generally improves. So people have their means to make changes to adapt. But some don’t. As mentioned, the suicide rate for people in this phase is quite high. I don’t think we should trivialize this. The typical story is the 50 yo guy who gets a sports car, then divorces the wife for a younger woman. Awful right? Universally condemned, right? What if though that person was on the verge of suicide and those selfish, foolhardy decisions were the only way that person could keep themselves alive? Yes, unfair and damaging to others, but life is unfair. I’m not making excuses, I’m trying to posit that people going through mid-life crises are in pain and they are doing what they can to survive. Going through it myself, it’s not as easy as I had previously thought. I’ve got a great career and I’m keen on FIRE now so the next part of my life is focused on what I truly care about, not making a business more profitable or making customers happy—I want to make me happy, by any means necessary.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

Does a gender transition count? If so, I'm midlife crisis-ing like a champ.

Damn, you win the thread! Seriously, though, go for it! I'm proud of you and I don't even know you.

[Clean Shaven]

I went to law school for my midlife crisis.

My sincere condolences. I'm so sorry.

Oh my.  Yeah, that's not good.  Should have just gotten a Corvette.

Corvette would be less expensive, more fun, less damaging to your mental health, lets you get outside...

OTOH, law school can teach you how your life can be billed away in 6-minute increments in order to service the massive debt caused by law school. So at least there's that.

[AnnaGrowsAMustache]

I think it's a stage we all go through, when we realise we're doing things we thought we were supposed to, and not things that truly reflect our own values and desires. For most people it's a bit less reactive than the younger model partner and corvette! Could be deciding that actually you don't want to go to church every week, or that actually you do want to go to church every week. Could be deciding that you actually don't care about wearing makeup, or that actually you do love wearing lippie. Like someone said earlier, it's about identity.

[EXLIer]

Going though it now.  Have the life most would die for.  Family, no debt, comfortable income, tons of free time and freedom - I travel to Europe on a monthly basis.  But, it's not enough.  Or maybe I'm longing for a change.  Whatever it is, and whatever comes about at the end, hopefully I find myself the happiness I'm looking for. 

All I know is when I get back from Europe, life in this country has no flavor.  No passion.  No culture.  We're ( outside of people like us here on MMM) defined by what we do professionally, the houses we live in, cars we drive, etc. 

[MrThatsDifferent]

Going though it now.  Have the life most would die for.  Family, no debt, comfortable income, tons of free time and freedom - I travel to Europe on a monthly basis.  But, it's not enough.  Or maybe I'm longing for a change.  Whatever it is, and whatever comes about at the end, hopefully I find myself the happiness I'm looking for. 

All I know is when I get back from Europe, life in this country has no flavor.  No passion.  No culture.  We're ( outside of people like us here on MMM) defined by what we do professionally, the houses we live in, cars we drive, etc.

Using FIRE to move to Europe and rest of the world is my MLC.

[Dicey]

Does a gender transition count? If so, I'm midlife crisis-ing like a champ.

Damn, you win the thread! Seriously, though, go for it! I'm proud of you and I don't even know you.

Well, I scrolled to the bottom of the thread to see if someone had beat me to it, and sure enough, Anna nailed it. Go, you!

[mspym]

Does a gender transition count? If so, I'm midlife crisis-ing like a champ.

Damn, you win the thread! Seriously, though, go for it! I'm proud of you and I don't even know you.

Well, I scrolled to the bottom of the thread to see if someone had beat me to it, and sure enough, Anna nailed it. Go, you!

Another woot woot! for @fantabulous from down under!

[MrThatsDifferent]

yes it is possible to survive it but continue to talk about it and don't ignore it like I did till it blows up.

long story short at 27yrs had a couple really bad years at work. Let to an extensive drug and alcohol problem that culminated in a 6 month affair with a co-worker. Lost about $50k in the process, 6 months off of work, and had some set-backs that kept me from some major promotions down the line.

However wife and I did mend the relationship, renewed our vows a year later, had another child a year after that, and now i'm in a new job where accumulating a big stash quicker will be more feasible.


My advice is to volunteer a little with those less fortunate than you...give yourself some perspective. Go to some dark places and talk to people in those dark places.

Congrats for surviving but, an alcohol problem and your screen name is Beer-man!?!

[Mezzie]

My husband went through a midlife crisis. At first it was confusing and scary, but when we recognized it for what it was, he was able to get past the depression/frustration stage and focus his energy on healthy and artistic pursuits. He has changed, and that took a little adjusting. I've changed too, of course, but I think my changes happened more gradually.

I'd say at this point we're better off than we were before both individually and as a couple.

[partgypsy]

 I think everyone should have enough self-awareness and introspection to focus on self-improvement in ones self and loved one's lives to do continuous checks. Don't have to wait till mid-life. I think if everyone lived like that there would be less mid-life crises. Honestly the time that is often the most stressful is when raising babies/young kids, yet that's not when mid life crises happen (you are too busy, too involved with life!). So I have a bit of a cynical view of mid life crises of being when pple have too much time on their hands, or have been lazy about working on their lives for multiple years in a row, then it hits like a ton of bricks.

[matchewed]

I also question the hyperbole of "surviving" the midlife crisis. Like it's some sort of terminal illness or leads scores of people to suicide. If you're anywhere close to the latter then it shouldn't be a forum you seek but a therapist and doctor.

If it's just general dissatisfaction then let me tell you that you'll be fine. Take some time to figure out what is important to you and go after those things. Automate/optimize or ignore the rest.

[GuitarStv]

Could have been worse.  The experience might have made you bitter.  :P

[Kay-Ell]

I think most mid life crises are made up of people feeling trapped by the life choices they made without fully understanding the long term consequences and the angst that goes along with the perceived loss of opportunity and potential.

I think you nailed it! And in a society where the prescribed lifestyle is ofte one with a lot of long term consequences it’s not surprising to me that people wake up and feel trapped by the perceived loss of opportunity. Teenagers are encouraged to take on college debt without fully understanding the consequences, then full time employment for the next 40-50 years is assumed. Add in a family, an over mortgaged home, some consumer debt and a maybe the onset of some expensive health problems and it’s no wonder people start to freak out after 15 or 20 years of being an adult. Just thinking about it makes me feel trapped and anxious.

And while I’m not under the illusion that responsible money management removes all of that, I do think the kind of people who are on this forum are attracted to the idea of intentional, goal oriented, happiness optimizing choices. For me, feeling like I have a world full of possibility makes the angst of personal evolution a positive and exciting experience rather than a depressing and hopeless one.

[Awesomeness]

Some heavy stuff coming here, aka What Not to Do:

My Xhole had a massive mid life crisis at 49 YO and abandoned me while I was away on a business trip just about a year ago.  I got an e-mail toodle-loo from him after 28 years married.  We hadn't even had an argument and were in the middle of plans to move to the Southwest to begin a glorious early retirement for me and for continued, flexible employment for him-- I never pressured him to RE and the FI part of our world always came naturally.  The abandonment was totally out of the blue. 

Just 6 weeks before he poofed he had declared that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me while floating around a resort pool on a visit to PHX house-hunting and making plans for our future.  When I asked him WTAF about that statement when talking to him during the divorce he said, "I just wanted to see how it sounded."   

To put it simply, he freaked out completely.  He had taken up with a 25YO co-worker (our daughters age) and chose her over me, and chose the adventure of strange new twat over our life plans and of course over aging.  That is how that works, right?  You can just wipe away your life and get a do-over when you get scared of change and progression to the next phase. 

FI was not derailed for me but I have to reset when to RE now.  I continue to be the adult and assure my daughters have medical insurance till they are 26 and such, you know, pay attention to life and consider others in the scheme of things.   

His life is nuclear waste and our daughters are not speaking to him.  He left the country to be with the sparkletwat who lives in an Eastern Bloc country.  How fun for them. 

Sorry to be a bucket of cold water here but just take this as some sort of evidence that MLCs can be very real and the consequences are devastating.  I think my Xhole has a narcissistic personality disorder (covert narc type).  That whole "see how it sounds" is how he views the world and his happiness is central, others are just actors in his play and he doesn't have to consider their needs or have any loyalty to anyone. 

I wish he would have just bought a fucking bike.

Right there with you. How I hope we are the minority but I’m afraid we aren’t. There are monsters amount us all. The only thing that is worse than this is physical harm to me or my children. BTW my two adult children have no relationship with him either.  The damage they do is wide spread and real and for me zero contact is the best thing I can do while picking up the pieces and rebuilding my life. FI wasn’t ruined for me either, I have less but truthfully he took so much more for himself so I really didn’t have it anyway.  I’m totally good.

Take care of yourself and as long as he has this twat to feed his narcissistic self I hope he’ll leave you alone.  So far mine has and I hope it stays that way. What a fucking moron to totally discard the awesome family and life he had. Cowards or psychopaths, who knows it’s all so devastating regardless. Feel sorry for them because truly they are suffering and so lost on the inside but man that’s hard to do. Yes I’m still dealing with resentment and the mind loop of thoughts that’s so hard to stop. I’m six months out after a 26 year marriage, so glad he’s gone. Getting better and you will too.

[Reynolds531]

If it helps you I promise.... promise you that Ms sparkletwat is a predator. Eventually she will turn on him.

Also, I am patenting "Ms. sparkletwat". Best...pet name.....ever.

[rocketpj]

I think I am coming out the other side of a midlife crisis right now.  I spent several years in a job that was not good for me, but felt inescapable due to family responsibilities.  I've since left that job (mostly) and bought a business that has taken all my attention.  Still stressful, but much more rewarding. 

A mid life crisis is a warning that you need to take action.  Not 'drop everything and run away', but start looking for options, things that you can get excited about.

[MishMash]

DH and I were both there, he's got the pension and healthcare golden handcuffs for 4 more years so he is stuck.  I quit my soul sucking job last year, took care of all of my health issues (to include a couple of surgeries) and now that I'm not in constant pain we started a YouTube channel dealing with the outdoors and recipes for cooking what you harvest from the wild.  Doesn't pay us a cent, maybe some day it will, but it's fun, I'm not wanting to stab my eyes out from Sunday through Friday anymore and it gets him outside, which is both of ours happy spot, and helps soothe the antsy ness.

[MrThatsDifferent]

Some heavy stuff coming here, aka What Not to Do:

My Xhole had a massive mid life crisis at 49 YO and abandoned me while I was away on a business trip just about a year ago.  I got an e-mail toodle-loo from him after 28 years married.  We hadn't even had an argument and were in the middle of plans to move to the Southwest to begin a glorious early retirement for me and for continued, flexible employment for him-- I never pressured him to RE and the FI part of our world always came naturally.  The abandonment was totally out of the blue. 

Just 6 weeks before he poofed he had declared that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me while floating around a resort pool on a visit to PHX house-hunting and making plans for our future.  When I asked him WTAF about that statement when talking to him during the divorce he said, "I just wanted to see how it sounded."   

To put it simply, he freaked out completely.  He had taken up with a 25YO co-worker (our daughters age) and chose her over me, and chose the adventure of strange new twat over our life plans and of course over aging.  That is how that works, right?  You can just wipe away your life and get a do-over when you get scared of change and progression to the next phase. 

FI was not derailed for me but I have to reset when to RE now.  I continue to be the adult and assure my daughters have medical insurance till they are 26 and such, you know, pay attention to life and consider others in the scheme of things.   

His life is nuclear waste and our daughters are not speaking to him.  He left the country to be with the sparkletwat who lives in an Eastern Bloc country.  How fun for them. 

Sorry to be a bucket of cold water here but just take this as some sort of evidence that MLCs can be very real and the consequences are devastating.  I think my Xhole has a narcissistic personality disorder (covert narc type).  That whole "see how it sounds" is how he views the world and his happiness is central, others are just actors in his play and he doesn't have to consider their needs or have any loyalty to anyone. 

I wish he would have just bought a fucking bike.

Sorry this happened to it, it sucks and it’s exactly what I’ve been talking about. These people, generally men, are completely lost and for them the calculus is, do I end my life actually or metaphorically? I know we want to demonize these guys and we all know they are doing true harm but they are also hurting beyond anything and they can’t figure a safe way out. I honestly don’t know what the cure is? It’s so sad for everyone and I really think it’s because men can’t adjust to the physical changes of their bodies well. I’m seeing this so much now, it’s unreal.

[OurTown]

I went to law school for my midlife crisis.

My sincere condolences. I'm so sorry.

Oh my.  Yeah, that's not good.  Should have just gotten a Corvette.

Corvette would be less expensive, more fun, less damaging to your mental health, lets you get outside...

OTOH, law school can teach you how your life can be billed away in 6-minute increments in order to service the massive debt caused by law school. So at least there's that.

In my particular case I had no student debt.   

[driftwood]

I have kids, and they're moving to CO with their mother. Which is why I worked to get transferred there as well.

Honestly, the changes I wanted to make in life I couldn't do with my spouse, so it is much easier now that we're getting divorced. My kids though, they'll be right there with me, and I think they'll enjoy it.  I'm a lot more fun in a house that has a lot of space than in a house that's full of hundreds of stupid-ass-plastic-shitty toys, and other things that I'm afraid of them breaking.

Couch cushions for forts, nerf guns for wars, etc... Having a cool play environment is the father part of my mid-life crisis.

Which supports my mid-life crisis as an attempt to recapture youth and the freedom of youth belief.

I agree with MrThatsDifferent... I know I can't recapture my youth, but I can re-engineer my life in a way that I 'play' more. If that meant irresponsible decisions, I would see it as a bad thing. If it leads to greater health - physical/mental/relationship, then I see it as a good thing. The changes I make will actually help me to take more responsibility over my relationship with my kids. And when I say play and fun, I don't mean just being a kid again.  I mean having the space and time in my life to cut away from thinking about work all the time/following the social media dopamine rush/black hole of TV shows and media, and instead be present and mindful about the time I spend in my life and what/who I spend it on.

[HenryDavid]

Some sad stories here, but hopeful and brave ones too.
Having been through at least 2 of these things now, whenever the “feeling trapped by results of earlier choices” walls threaten to squeeze in—as they may do every 7 or however many years— one humble remedy is to focus on gratitude for what’s good, while deliberately paring down the stuff that’s not.
Simple technique: write 2 columns, one headed “more of this” and one headed “less of this.” Be honest. Just writing it out will start to slowly steer your life toward the good list. Then plan concrete steps to drop things from the “less of” list. Feels better already.

(Or, just “blow up your life.”  Because, what is “your life?” Your job? Your spouse? Your town? Your plans? Your attitudes? People have these things changed FOR them by events all the time—would you be ok with that? In other words what have you got to lose—truly? If you figure this out, and you already know it on some level, you can build from there.)

[fantabulous]

Does a gender transition count? If so, I'm midlife crisis-ing like a champ.

Damn, you win the thread! Seriously, though, go for it! I'm proud of you and I don't even know you.

Well, I scrolled to the bottom of the thread to see if someone had beat me to it, and sure enough, Anna nailed it. Go, you!

Another woot woot! for @fantabulous from down under!

Thanks, y'all. In terms of my midlife gender crisis and finances, I didn't come out until I could say FU to my employer if things went poorly. Things have gone well, though, and I'm essentially learning to live as I go through puberty again in my 30s.

[Just Joe]

My "mid-life" has led to bicycles as well. And self-improvement. Lose weight via lasting changes rather than short term diets as demonstrated by other people (who yo-yo). Also needed to understand the people around me better. A bit of introspection. Lots of MMM forum reading.

I recognize what is coming down the road. Our kids are in their teens, one ready to launch. Parents aging and declining. Life is changing. That's okay. I'd rather hold certain parts of life in place but obviously can't.

I still have lots to do. Don't need a mistress or fancy car to achieve any of my goals. ;)

[MrThatsDifferent]

Does a gender transition count? If so, I'm midlife crisis-ing like a champ.

Damn, you win the thread! Seriously, though, go for it! I'm proud of you and I don't even know you.

Well, I scrolled to the bottom of the thread to see if someone had beat me to it, and sure enough, Anna nailed it. Go, you!

Another woot woot! for @fantabulous from down under!

Thanks, y'all. In terms of my midlife gender crisis and finances, I didn't come out until I could say FU to my employer if things went poorly. Things have gone well, though, and I'm essentially learning to live as I go through puberty again in my 30s.

Congrats on living your true life. I’m not sure I’d label transitioning a crisis though. Not transitioning was the crisis, you’re mid-life actualizing.

[partgypsy]

Let's see, quarter life crisis about a year removed from military service and realizing how monotonous and shitty things generality were (started night school and looking for a better job). Mid-ish life crisis after getting laid off from a job unexpectedly and spending an interviewing with people asking me the equivalent what type of paint I liked working with (I was a software engineer, when back to school for the PhD). Likely going to face-down the mid life crisis proper in a couple years when I finish the piled higher and deeper and need to start contemplating big questions about marriage, children, and the like again. In the meantime I distract myself with work, more work, and still more work.

Meanwhile, mid life is actually a time that’s ideal to live life to the fullest and do your best work. You have education, experience, money, and connections: things that are very hard to come by when you are young.

Unless you mean professional connections, I'd argue that it's a lot easier to make friends in your twenties than in your thirties or forties. I've heard it flips again once you hit fifty or so though.

My Xhole had a massive mid life crisis at 49 YO and abandoned me while I was away on a business trip just about a year ago.  I got an e-mail toodle-loo from him after 28 years married.  We hadn't even had an argument and were in the middle of plans to move to the Southwest to begin a glorious early retirement for me and for continued, flexible employment for him-- I never pressured him to RE and the FI part of our world always came naturally.  The abandonment was totally out of the blue. 

Just 6 weeks before he poofed he had declared that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me while floating around a resort pool on a visit to PHX house-hunting and making plans for our future.  When I asked him WTAF about that statement when talking to him during the divorce he said, "I just wanted to see how it sounded."   

Highlighted sections are signs of massive communication problems in marriage. Not saying that any of it is your fault, but hitting the big red button and leaving town is a clear sign that there was a lot of frustration that was subtext and not text.

Yeah but again, I think it's too much to expect for one partner to expect the other person to be a mind reader, esp when they don't bring up problems and say things like they "want to spend the rest of his life with me".

[GuitarStv]

Meanwhile, mid life is actually a time that’s ideal to live life to the fullest and do your best work. You have education, experience, money, and connections: things that are very hard to come by when you are young.

Unless you mean professional connections, I'd argue that it's a lot easier to make friends in your twenties than in your thirties or forties. I've heard it flips again once you hit fifty or so though.

My Xhole had a massive mid life crisis at 49 YO and abandoned me while I was away on a business trip just about a year ago.  I got an e-mail toodle-loo from him after 28 years married.  We hadn't even had an argument and were in the middle of plans to move to the Southwest to begin a glorious early retirement for me and for continued, flexible employment for him-- I never pressured him to RE and the FI part of our world always came naturally.  The abandonment was totally out of the blue. 

Just 6 weeks before he poofed he had declared that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me while floating around a resort pool on a visit to PHX house-hunting and making plans for our future.  When I asked him WTAF about that statement when talking to him during the divorce he said, "I just wanted to see how it sounded."   

Highlighted sections are signs of massive communication problems in marriage. Not saying that any of it is your fault, but hitting the big red button and leaving town is a clear sign that there was a lot of frustration that was subtext and not text.

Yeah but again, I think it's too much to expect for one partner to expect the other person to be a mind reader, esp when they don't bring up problems and say things like they "want to spend the rest of his life with me".

I don't know. We are only getting one side of the story and an obviously biased one at that. A lot of people over the years have told me that not having any arguments is a concerning thing in a long term relationship and marriage councilors will advise people have periodic "state of the marriage" meetings to talk about things and future plans.

The thing is that I'm highly skeptical that you could be married to someone for 28 years and there to not be any signs that something is up. It's not completely unheard of, but on the other hand I can see one person railroading the other one with their plans thinking that they were jointly desirable.

Although, to reiterate my point, one partner expecting the other one to be a mind reader is also a sign of massive communications problems.

It's futile to try to judge another person's relationship.  There's always going to be so much stuff that you'll never know, and most suggestions made will be way off base.  A solid relationship requires two people who are willing to discuss uncomfortable things, give and take on important decisions, and always treat their partner with respect and care.  It's a wonder any of us manage to remain together.  :P

[partgypsy]

Meanwhile, mid life is actually a time that’s ideal to live life to the fullest and do your best work. You have education, experience, money, and connections: things that are very hard to come by when you are young.

Unless you mean professional connections, I'd argue that it's a lot easier to make friends in your twenties than in your thirties or forties. I've heard it flips again once you hit fifty or so though.

My Xhole had a massive mid life crisis at 49 YO and abandoned me while I was away on a business trip just about a year ago.  I got an e-mail toodle-loo from him after 28 years married.  We hadn't even had an argument and were in the middle of plans to move to the Southwest to begin a glorious early retirement for me and for continued, flexible employment for him-- I never pressured him to RE and the FI part of our world always came naturally.  The abandonment was totally out of the blue. 

Just 6 weeks before he poofed he had declared that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me while floating around a resort pool on a visit to PHX house-hunting and making plans for our future.  When I asked him WTAF about that statement when talking to him during the divorce he said, "I just wanted to see how it sounded."   

Highlighted sections are signs of massive communication problems in marriage. Not saying that any of it is your fault, but hitting the big red button and leaving town is a clear sign that there was a lot of frustration that was subtext and not text.

Yeah but again, I think it's too much to expect for one partner to expect the other person to be a mind reader, esp when they don't bring up problems and say things like they "want to spend the rest of his life with me".

I don't know. We are only getting one side of the story and an obviously biased one at that. A lot of people over the years have told me that not having any arguments is a concerning thing in a long term relationship and marriage councilors will advise people have periodic "state of the marriage" meetings to talk about things and future plans.

The thing is that I'm highly skeptical that you could be married to someone for 28 years and there to not be any signs that something is up. It's not completely unheard of, but on the other hand I can see one person railroading the other one with their plans thinking that they were jointly desirable.

Although, to reiterate my point, one partner expecting the other one to be a mind reader is also a sign of massive communications problems.

I don't know if you misunderstood my post, but the guy who abruptly left after 28 years but didn't argue or express dissatisfaction, was the person expecting their partner to be a mind reader (as well as you expecting to be a mind reader), which is a major communication problem in itself.

I think you have to understand, even some people themselves going through a crisis don't know what they want. And they may not express this, or express it in ambiguous ways to their partner.
I don't find this hard to believe at all. I don't know what your background or history is to perceive this person who who left their spouse and children and moved to another country as somehow being the real victim, with no evidence whatsoever, while asserting dubious motivations on the other spouse (railroading, etc) is -odd.     

[mustache you a question]

Good thread...I'm 31 so not exactly mid-life but I've struggled with the same exact feelings you've described for the last year or so.  I feel like I'm finally getting out of this whole phase a little bit (although I still feel a little trapped)...

So what I did to combat this is I've put together a plan that I hope can help me get out of this rut.  My plan includes starting a side hustle business (for now) and trying to turn that into something that can be my nine to five.  I've also learned how to code in django (python) and have just decided that in the next couple of years my goal is to build cool sh*t.  I've started working out a lot more and my wife and I are having a baby...all of which help.

I don't feel as trapped anymore because I have some irons in the fire that maybe can pull me out of this cube life and they've kept me very busy.  I hope this helps!

[partgypsy]

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/18/fashion/weddings/11-questions-to-ask-before-getting-a-divorce.html

I thought this was a good article, and that communication is really important, in all stages of the relationship, esp when there is a problem. 
This may be behind a paywall, but some of the questions are:

Have you made clear your concerns about your relationship?
Do you and your partner have shared expectations about roles in the relationship (and if not how do they differ)
If there is a way to save the marriage, what would it be?
Would you really be happier without your partner versus with (what is most important in your life)
Do you still love him or her?
What is your biggest fear in ending the relationship?
and so on.

[Awesomeness]

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/18/fashion/weddings/11-questions-to-ask-before-getting-a-divorce.html

I thought this was a good article, and that communication is really important, in all stages of the relationship, esp when there is a problem. 
This may be behind a paywall, but some of the questions are:

Have you made clear your concerns about your relationship?
Do you and your partner have shared expectations about roles in the relationship (and if not how do they differ)
If there is a way to save the marriage, what would it be?
Would you really be happier without your partner versus with (what is most important in your life)
Do you still love him or her?
What is your biggest fear in ending the relationship?
and so on.

This is all right and good if you’re dealing with a sane person.  Otherwise it’s hogwash. People change and you never really know what they’re thinking. 

[BeanCounter]

Opened up this thread today because I think I'm nearly there. Turned 40 this year, two young kids, a really good job, last remaining parent died this year and I inherited seven figures and I feel like- now what? I truly don't know, but everything feels very hard. But I know it shouldn't. I mean most people would say I've got it all right?

[MrThatsDifferent]

Opened up this thread today because I think I'm nearly there. Turned 40 this year, two young kids, a really good job, last remaining parent died this year and I inherited seven figures and I feel like- now what? I truly don't know, but everything feels very hard. But I know it shouldn't. I mean most people would say I've got it all right?

So sorry for your loss, I feel for you, I really do. All of that is tough and don’t dismiss it. Here’s what you can do, find a therapist to talk with.  That’s it. Open up about everything and it will stay with this person. Just get all of that off your chest and hold nothing back. It will be tough but amazing. Then look at all the things you can do to look after yourself physically and mentally. You can do this. Be brave and don’t be afraid to be honest and work with the people you love, who love you for the solutions. There are always solutions.

[DreamFIRE]

Yes!  Please please go talk to someone.  Put it all out there, don't keep a lid on any of it.  I wish my X would have done that but he just was not capable of being vulnerable with someone, even a stranger.

You have a tough story there MissNancyPryor.  Sorry to hear that and hope much better days are ahead.  It's shit like that which makes me glad I never got married and had kids.

[Arbitrage]

I think FIRE must be my midlife crisis.  At least, that's what my friends (who balk at the plan to move away to FIRE) are claiming. 

Before I latched on to FIRE, it could've been the Tesla Model 3 I was in line to order.  That's been canceled and I'm riding an e-bike instead.  Maybe that's what I'll need to survive...continued riding of my bike, frequently on busy streets, in SoCal traffic.

[StockBeard]

This FIRE concept IS my midlife crisis!

Right with you on that. I actually agree so much that I blogged about this exact topic a few months ago.

[Taran Wanderer]

Found this thread tonight.  Well timed. Looking forward to reading some more and then sharing my thoughts. Thanks to everyone who has written so far.

[EricL]

From what I understand mid life crisis revolves around a fear of death.  Previously it was an abstract notion. Then as your body aged and you assumed more of your parents’ views and material assets it became very clear.  You are gonna die.  Maybe soon. This in conjunction with the realization you will never be a rock star, Warren Buffett, President, etc adds pressure. Team it up with life’s daily adulting grind and the endless background pain of the unsatisfactory world and it becomes too much.  It can be really aggravated by a wife and children that take you for granted.  Or a supposition that they do.

The typical response is doing more activities that remind you of your hale and hearty carefree 20’s.  Picking up a mistress, buying a sports car, etc.  I’ve seen guys do that. I’ve seen them do much worse - burning down an entire marriage, savings, reputation and career in existential panic. 

I wish I had a solution for you. But I don’t. I’m an odd dude and my midlife crisis manifested very differently from the above.  Some of the hard aspects were easy; some of the allegedly easy weren’t.

All I can recommend is to examine your mortality, the feelings around it, what you have to be grateful for, and what’s an albatross.  Bear in mind some things you think will make you happy are symbolic.  Like the sports car.  It doesn’t make you younger, sexier or full of life unless you’re already a race car driver.  Find the thing itself and not the symbol.  What the thing itself is only you can determine.  Work with your wife and kids.  Lean on them and communicate with them.  Get counseling if you have to.  If the wife isn’t supportive maybe the marriage should be burned down.  Consider long and with good counsel, then act decisively. 

Good luck.

And consider the mountain biking thing.  Exercise is good.

Edit: spelling.

[MrThatsDifferent]

I'm pushing 40 and having a bit of a mid life crisis, I think. I'm not sure, as it is hard to tell if I'm running away from fear,  or running towards a desire.

For me, this  manifests as a wish to walk away from all responsibility possible. I don't have kids or own a house or have a job or have any geographical ties whatsoever, as I've been so ruthless about stripping away all responsibilities in recent years. But I do wonder if I have gone too far.

This is causing issues in my relatoinship, as my partner really wants a kid, but I fear the responsibility and obligations. I just want to run away. From this country, this life, this language even. I want to start fresh in a new country, immerse in a new life and language. Start from scratch again. Learn to count to 10.

 I have enough of a stasche for a lean ER. My business is online. All my FI prep is enabling this possibility.  Good or bad? I don't really know.

Yes, it’s hard, nd it might be the journey you need to go through since you’ve been preparing for it. Here’s what not to do: don’t lead your partner astray, don’t have kids if you’re not 100% sure and don’t let your life be guided by fear. Invest a little in finding a therapist or someone to talk about this with, make sure your head is in the right place first. You have nothing to lose. Do everything with dignity and integrity. Have the tough, honest conversations you need to have. You can be brave and decent at the same time, be that.

[Brother Esau]

And consider the mountain biking thing.  Exercise is good.

Yes, but mountain biking is sooo much more than that....
1. community
2. wicked fun
3. nature
4. challenging
5. rejuvinating

I'm not religious but It feels like I'm in church whenever I'm in the forest on a bike.

[edgema]

As already stated "This FIRE concept IS my midlife crisis!" or more accurately for me, I think it has stopped me having a more 'standard' crisis. I am 41 and one year from FIRE but if I were instead staring at another couple of decades working my mental state would be very poor.

My crisis might also be that it seems increasingly crazy that others are not trying to FIRE themselves, particularly in what is a high income group we are in. Instead it is all bigger 'forever' houses; relentlessly more expensive and more frequent holidays;holiday homes; more expensive cars etc. It would be one thing if most enjoyed what they do but as many don't, it makes me want to scream. A surprising number of these high income friends seem able to convince themselves they have 'no option' when that is obviously not true. I am failing miserably to not be judgemental, which my wife hates.

If I have got anything from FIRE, it is idea is that people sell their time too cheaply, never realising that they are 'spending' big chunks of 'life' for stuff they get little from. The intensity with which I now believe this is hard to keep inside. My wife came back last week with a little envy from visiting a friends massive 9 bed house (4 in the family) which has 5 separate gardens and is admittedly beautiful, but they admit it costs £400 a month just to heat (it is 200 years old). My response that this is a pretty ridiculous ego driven house to buy was probably best kept to myself!

Another vote for cycling!

[GuitarStv]

For me, this  manifests as a wish to walk away from all responsibility possible. I don't have kids or own a house or have a job or have any geographical ties whatsoever, as I've been so ruthless about stripping away all responsibilities in recent years.

If you don't have a kid, house, job, or geographical ties you are as close to completely without responsibility as you'll ever be.  If this is not currently making you ecstatic, you may be optimizing for the wrong thing in your life.  It took me a long time to see, but responsibility isn't the trap it seems to be on the surface . . . in many ways it can give your life meaning and put an end to aimless existential woes.

[Tris Prior]

When I hit 40, I took my FU money, quit my horribly 70-plus-hour-a-week toxic job, and attempted to make my side gig a full-time thing. I think that counts? It didn't end well and now I am a full-time corporate drone again.

I feel like I'm still sort of having a midlife crisis but it's manifesting more in wanting FI (RE is most likely off the table as I'm in my mid-40s) and being fairly ruthless about cutting toxic people out of my life. I'm kind of disgusted by how much of my adult life I wasted trying to make others happy at my expense, and trying to please and soothe a volatile parent in particular. I'm finally doing some major travel this year, while I'm still mobile enough to do so, after putting it off for years because my parent wanted me at their side helping them instead. (No dementia or sickness or disability involved, just difficulty being a grownup.)

It's hard sometimes to balance my desire to experience things before I can't due to sickness or disability, with my desire to retire ASAP.

[Just Joe]

Opened up this thread today because I think I'm nearly there. Turned 40 this year, two young kids, a really good job, last remaining parent died this year and I inherited seven figures and I feel like- now what? I truly don't know, but everything feels very hard. But I know it shouldn't. I mean most people would say I've got it all right?

Hard because you are faced with many unanswered choices?

[Adam Zapple]

Wow these are all great responses.  I am surprised by the number of mountain biking recommendations...might have to give it a try.  My body is beginning to tell me that other, high-impact sports, which I have always enjoyed, may not be an option for much longer. 

I think one big thing that has not been addressed is that when you hit your late thirties you start running out of things to look forward to.  This forces you to take stock of your life.  You look around and realize that your are living in a reality that you have created for yourself.  Whether you like it or not, this is it.  This is your life.  This is what you've been working toward for thirty some-odd years.  It's a bit of a point of no return I guess like you are steering a huge ship that has picked up so much momentum it is next to impossible to turn around for anything you've forgotten.

As a kid there's always a milestone ahead in the near future...becoming a teenager, new school, first girlfriend/boyfriend, driving, college etc.  Then adulthood hits and everything is new and fun as you start a new career.  Then comes marriage, new house/apartment, then kids...then WHAM!  Brick wall.  Life all the sudden plateaus.  The more responsibilities you have collected for yourself through young adulthood, the more trapped you feel.  "Responsible" people have lots of "responsibilities" and probably feel this pressure the most. 

For me, I woke up one day and realized that this classic family life in the suburbs that I've spent my whole life working toward is just not enough for me and I have no idea what to do about that.  I just know that I am desperate for a change from my daily routine.  So much so that at times I feel like I am going to explode.  I can see where some people would decide to just blow the whole thing up and start anew but this will not be my path.  I know my family will be a part of whatever I do going forward.  I also know that what I'm likely to do, going forward, is absolutely nothing...just put my head down and wait for the next phase of life.  This feeds my frustration.  I'm sure this is how most people feel to some extent.

Thank god I started saving early and am, at most, 10 years away from FI.  In the mean time, I have started taking classes just for fun.  Any time I see a course that interests me, I sign up.  I am seeking more outlets where I can take time for myself.
Thanks for the suggestions so far.