Author Topic: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?  (Read 29490 times)

BeanCounter

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #100 on: April 03, 2018, 10:43:07 AM »
It's what Adam Zapple said. You look up one day and this is it. This is your life. I don't have a thing left to work toward. I don't need any more money, I'm not interested in becoming a VP or CFO (might happen anyway if I keep working) I can't just pick up and travel the world because I have kids in school and a DH with a job he loves. So what next? Maybe find a charity I'm passionate about and spend time there? Balance that with spending more time at home with my kids? Start up my own business? I'm just not sure yet. And how do I go about figuring that out? Sometimes blowing it all up and starting new seems appealing. But not smart.
On top of that I'm "taking down house" as my Granny would say. It's the reverse of "setting up house" when you get married. I'm spending my free time packing up the home my mother so meticulously cared for, and....giving most of it away to charity. Which makes everything feel so very pointless.
Once I finish my list of to do's for her affairs, and go on vacation with my kids next week, I'm going to start some kind of therapy. And get back to exercising. Maybe all that will help. Maybe summer will help.

firelight

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #101 on: April 03, 2018, 12:03:41 PM »
Following this thread. My husband is starting to show signs of MLC and I want us to come out intact while he grows as a person. I want to be able to support him in the best way possible. Please share what your spouse could've done to make the MLC easier.

Schaefer Light

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #102 on: April 03, 2018, 12:10:39 PM »
As a kid there's always a milestone ahead in the near future...becoming a teenager, new school, first girlfriend/boyfriend, driving, college etc.  Then adulthood hits and everything is new and fun as you start a new career.  Then comes marriage, new house/apartment, then kids...then WHAM!  Brick wall.  Life all the sudden plateaus.  The more responsibilities you have collected for yourself through young adulthood, the more trapped you feel.  "Responsible" people have lots of "responsibilities" and probably feel this pressure the most.
Running out of milestones was a problem for me.  I got to a point where the only remaining milestones were having kids and retirement.  My dilemma was that one of those milestones could delay the other, and I wasn't sure if that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.  This was largely because of my dissatisfaction with work and my insecurity about finding another well-paying job.  Over the course of two or three years, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to have kids even if it meant some extra time in the workforce.  But then my wife left me and those plans all went out the window.  I've thought about totally blowing up my life by quitting my job and moving to a new location, but I have a new responsibility (in the form of alimony payments) so taking a salary hit is something I'd like to avoid right now.

What I've learned from all this is that we don't have as much control over our lives as we'd like to think we do, and the future we've planned for may never arrive.  Knowing this, my intention going forward will be to try to appreciate the things I currently have in my life.  This is easier said than done when you're going through a rough patch.

StarBright

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #103 on: April 03, 2018, 12:54:35 PM »
There is also something called the "U Bend" of happiness/life. Basically happiness is a U, with your low point coming at 40-50. After 50 it sort of skyrockets so that statistically 70 year olds tend to be happier than 30 year olds.

I'm almost 40 and the last couple of years have been significantly rougher than the preceding 37 or so. Sometimes just telling myself that I'm almost at the bottom of the U is helpful.

wxdevil

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #104 on: April 03, 2018, 02:00:41 PM »
I went through a major "third-life" crisis last year, which included a severe bout of depression which I had never experienced anything close to before. I gave up my dream job in which I was successful, respected, and poised to move up within a very prestigious place in my field. However, it was in a location I mostly dreaded and away from my family. In hindsight, it probably wasn't actually my dream job because I was heavily researching FI a few years before this happened.

I've come out the other end of it back in my hometown with a promotion, though the work is far less stimulating and the work environment is fairly toxic. Career-wise this may actually help me move up quicker so it's not like I committed career-suicide, though it feels like I did at times. It has been a really hard struggle to come out of this organically (w/o medications), but I am improving every week with fewer setbacks. I am more actively pursuing outside-of-work interests with much more intensity than I ever have, including starting a side business, coaching my son's little league team, and actively maintaining or rekindling long-time friendships. My ambition and drive to succeed in life in general, rather than just my career, is stronger than ever and I am determined to get to FI so I can live life 100% on my own (and my family's) terms.

Brother Esau

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #105 on: April 03, 2018, 03:44:13 PM »
I am more actively pursuing outside-of-work interests with much more intensity than I ever have, including starting a side business, coaching my son's little league team, and actively maintaining or rekindling long-time friendships.

This is exactly what happened to me in my early 40's..... after discovering mountain biking of course ;-). I was always sort of a loner and now embrace meeting new people along with nurturing existing relationships. 

StarBright

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #106 on: April 03, 2018, 03:57:32 PM »
There is also something called the "U Bend" of happiness/life. Basically happiness is a U, with your low point coming at 40-50. After 50 it sort of skyrockets so that statistically 70 year olds tend to be happier than 30 year olds.

I'm almost 40 and the last couple of years have been significantly rougher than the preceding 37 or so. Sometimes just telling myself that I'm almost at the bottom of the U is helpful.
I think this is probably true for a lot of people who followed a traditional life - high school, college, 9 to 5 office career with commute, marriage, kids, house in the burbs with a white picket fence and mortgage, weekends doing chores, etc.. After 20 years of that I can see why people are likely to have deep unhappiness and feel the need for a change. Just writing about it makes me meloncoly. However the people I know (including myself) who didn't follow that kind of path seem to be happier and more full filled in their 40s and 50s. Many seem to really appreciate and look forward to a more settled life after a couple of decades of non-traditional life and pursuits. So I think happiness and MLC timing is more of a reaction to how you've lived your life rather than.age.

Surprisingly - the U Bend holds up across very different cultures and lifestyles - so you might end up being happier than your average 50 year old, but it is still likely (very broadly speaking) that your late 50s would still be happier than your mid 40s (which were probably happier than your average working stiff's 40s).

If I recall correctly, researchers were rather shocked that lifestyle, culture and finances did not quite play as strong a role as they expected.

StarBright

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #107 on: April 03, 2018, 04:17:51 PM »
Actually - I found a more recent article than the one I was thinking of (which was from the economist in 2010).

But basically the U holds up (except in Russia):

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/04/01/the-data-are-in-life-under-putin-is-a-continuous-downward-spiral-into-despair/?utm_term=.4ad2aec5166e

aneel

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #108 on: April 03, 2018, 05:18:55 PM »
Wow these are all great responses.  I am surprised by the number of mountain biking recommendations...might have to give it a try.  My body is beginning to tell me that other, high-impact sports, which I have always enjoyed, may not be an option for much longer. 

I think one big thing that has not been addressed is that when you hit your late thirties you start running out of things to look forward to.  This forces you to take stock of your life.  You look around and realize that your are living in a reality that you have created for yourself.  Whether you like it or not, this is it.  This is your life.  This is what you've been working toward for thirty some-odd years.  It's a bit of a point of no return I guess like you are steering a huge ship that has picked up so much momentum it is next to impossible to turn around for anything you've forgotten.

As a kid there's always a milestone ahead in the near future...becoming a teenager, new school, first girlfriend/boyfriend, driving, college etc.  Then adulthood hits and everything is new and fun as you start a new career.  Then comes marriage, new house/apartment, then kids...then WHAM!  Brick wall.  Life all the sudden plateaus.  The more responsibilities you have collected for yourself through young adulthood, the more trapped you feel.  "Responsible" people have lots of "responsibilities" and probably feel this pressure the most. 

For me, I woke up one day and realized that this classic family life in the suburbs that I've spent my whole life working toward is just not enough for me and I have no idea what to do about that.  I just know that I am desperate for a change from my daily routine.  So much so that at times I feel like I am going to explode.  I can see where some people would decide to just blow the whole thing up and start anew but this will not be my path.  I know my family will be a part of whatever I do going forward.  I also know that what I'm likely to do, going forward, is absolutely nothing...just put my head down and wait for the next phase of life.  This feeds my frustration.  I'm sure this is how most people feel to some extent.

Thank god I started saving early and am, at most, 10 years away from FI.  In the mean time, I have started taking classes just for fun.  Any time I see a course that interests me, I sign up.  I am seeking more outlets where I can take time for myself.
Thanks for the suggestions so far.

This exactly. Except I'm happy with my job, kid, place of living, but wondering what it will take to be happy about my marriage. I want to do ALL THE THINGS, and un realistically feel like the "only" thing holding me back is my husband (not true, but does manifest from truth. My solution is counseling.

Never underestimate the power in organizing your thoughts out loud. You're forced to reconcile all the incomplete thoughts floating around in your head.

BeanCounter

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #109 on: April 03, 2018, 05:26:01 PM »
Fuck.im just at the beginning of the dip. 10 more years to go? Of just blah?

DreamFIRE

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #110 on: April 03, 2018, 06:24:18 PM »
There is also something called the "U Bend" of happiness/life. Basically happiness is a U, with your low point coming at 40-50. After 50 it sort of skyrockets so that statistically 70 year olds tend to be happier than 30 year olds.

I'm almost 40 and the last couple of years have been significantly rougher than the preceding 37 or so. Sometimes just telling myself that I'm almost at the bottom of the U is helpful.
I think this is probably true for a lot of people who followed a traditional life - high school, college, 9 to 5 office career with commute, marriage, kids, house in the burbs with a white picket fence and mortgage, weekends doing chores, etc.. After 20 years of that I can see why people are likely to have deep unhappiness and feel the need for a change. Just writing about it makes me meloncoly. However the people I know (including myself) who didn't follow that kind of path seem to be happier and more full filled in their 40s and 50s. Many seem to really appreciate and look forward to a more settled life after a couple of decades of non-traditional life and pursuits. So I think happiness and MLC timing is more of a reaction to how you've lived your life rather than.age.
Agreed.  I didn't take the traditional route, either.  My happiness level seems pretty constant throughout my life.  I'm not FIREd yet.

big_slacker

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #111 on: April 03, 2018, 07:20:01 PM »
Well, I never got out of shape, always had sports cars or sportbikes, spent most of my time in clubs, drinking, snowboarding, riding mountain bikes and playing video games. So for my midlife crisis I got married, had kids and bought a house. :D

I'm 43 FWIW, still drop into some fun lines, still ride singlespeeds and take bikes off sweet jumps, still stay in shape, still drink beer. I just traded an excess of that for some love and family. It takes some work to find the balance, but the balance is awesome.

finallyfrugal

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #112 on: April 03, 2018, 10:24:41 PM »
I feel like I've been in several early midlife crises -- the first was probably a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s -- several job changes, back to school, started a business. Lots of expensive life lessons.

At the end of the day, I've found that happiness is an inside job. Changing the external circumstances always seemed to help in the short term (1-2 years), then I'd be back to the blahs and chasing the excitement of a complete life upheaval. I feel like at 39, I'm better at finding peace with accepting what is and I look at the "mistakes" I've made as part of the journey through this life.

Hubby transitioned from a stressful corporate gig to teaching 2 years ago along with a move to from SoCal to the midwest -- maybe that was his MLC. We are living on 2/3 of his old salary, but have 3 months off together in the summer and are happy about that. Finding MMM and this frugal lifestyle of living within our means out of necessity has brought us closer and I feel more hopeful about our ability to save and work towards FI.

For anyone in a moment of crisis, time in nature can do wonders for bringing clarity and peacefulness.

Brother Esau

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #113 on: April 04, 2018, 04:40:44 AM »
Well, I never got out of shape, always had sports cars or sportbikes, spent most of my time in clubs, drinking, snowboarding, riding mountain bikes and playing video games. So for my midlife crisis I got married, had kids and bought a house. :D

I'm 43 FWIW, still drop into some fun lines, still ride singlespeeds and take bikes off sweet jumps, still stay in shape, still drink beer. I just traded an excess of that for some love and family. It takes some work to find the balance, but the balance is awesome.

Brrraaaaaaapp!!!

partgypsy

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #114 on: April 04, 2018, 07:21:16 AM »
I feel like I've been in several early midlife crises -- the first was probably a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s -- several job changes, back to school, started a business. Lots of expensive life lessons.

At the end of the day, I've found that happiness is an inside job. Changing the external circumstances always seemed to help in the short term (1-2 years), then I'd be back to the blahs and chasing the excitement of a complete life upheaval. I feel like at 39, I'm better at finding peace with accepting what is and I look at the "mistakes" I've made as part of the journey through this life.

Hubby transitioned from a stressful corporate gig to teaching 2 years ago along with a move to from SoCal to the midwest -- maybe that was his MLC. We are living on 2/3 of his old salary, but have 3 months off together in the summer and are happy about that. Finding MMM and this frugal lifestyle of living within our means out of necessity has brought us closer and I feel more hopeful about our ability to save and work towards FI.

For anyone in a moment of crisis, time in nature can do wonders for bringing clarity and peacefulness.

That's so funny! I got a fortune cookie fortune that said "happiness is an inside job" and it's taped to my bedroom wall.

NoVa

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #115 on: April 04, 2018, 09:17:50 AM »
I somehow totally missed my midlife crisis! I checked with the wife, she says it's too late to have one now.

Just Joe

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #116 on: April 04, 2018, 11:55:34 AM »
I feel like I've been in several early midlife crises -- the first was probably a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s -- several job changes, back to school, started a business. Lots of expensive life lessons.

That's the word I've been looking for - "quarter-life crisis". Yeah, that was end of my teens and first half of my 20s. Struggled to find directional stability and enough reliable cash flow to live like I wanted to. Found DW (or she found me), we worked hard, delayed gratification while we've raised our kids, we finally got here. We're content.

Cue the "The Jeffersons" theme song. ;)

Someone here said one time that success is making the right decisions for 20+ years. We won't let impulse derail all our hard work. And we need to continue setting a good example for our kids.

finallyfrugal

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #117 on: April 11, 2018, 01:31:22 PM »
I feel like I've been in several early midlife crises -- the first was probably a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s -- several job changes, back to school, started a business. Lots of expensive life lessons.

At the end of the day, I've found that happiness is an inside job. Changing the external circumstances always seemed to help in the short term (1-2 years), then I'd be back to the blahs and chasing the excitement of a complete life upheaval. I feel like at 39, I'm better at finding peace with accepting what is and I look at the "mistakes" I've made as part of the journey through this life.

Hubby transitioned from a stressful corporate gig to teaching 2 years ago along with a move to from SoCal to the midwest -- maybe that was his MLC. We are living on 2/3 of his old salary, but have 3 months off together in the summer and are happy about that. Finding MMM and this frugal lifestyle of living within our means out of necessity has brought us closer and I feel more hopeful about our ability to save and work towards FI.

For anyone in a moment of crisis, time in nature can do wonders for bringing clarity and peacefulness.

That's so funny! I got a fortune cookie fortune that said "happiness is an inside job" and it's taped to my bedroom wall.

Yes! I love that! I should probably write it out and hang it on my fridge. I forget it at times myself!

I feel like I've been in several early midlife crises -- the first was probably a quarter life crisis in my mid-20s -- several job changes, back to school, started a business. Lots of expensive life lessons.

That's the word I've been looking for - "quarter-life crisis". Yeah, that was end of my teens and first half of my 20s. Struggled to find directional stability and enough reliable cash flow to live like I wanted to. Found DW (or she found me), we worked hard, delayed gratification while we've raised our kids, we finally got here. We're content.

Cue the "The Jeffersons" theme song. ;)

Someone here said one time that success is making the right decisions for 20+ years. We won't let impulse derail all our hard work. And we need to continue setting a good example for our kids.

I love your quote that Success is making the right decisions for 20+ years. and yet...I am on year 2! HAHAHA...only 18 more till success! But I do love the idea thinking in terms of the long game and being consistent with my actions.

JustK

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #118 on: April 12, 2018, 12:15:39 PM »
This is an awesome thread with some very thought-provoking insights. Thank you.

I'm still regaining my financial footing after an unexpected divorce after 16 mostly-wonderful years married (yes, it happens.)  But, as I work out the day-to-day stuff of rebuilding my life, I am increasingly feeling the angst of "what's next?"  I made it through the initial shock and trauma, I've gotten my kids through (mostly) unscathed.  Now I'm ready to rebuild me.  I don't know what that means, but I am excited to find out.

Side note to anyone whose ex-spouse had a life-destroying MLC, I highly recommend Chump Lady's book and website.  Some amazingly strong, empowering, and wonderful people over there.

Awesomeness

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #119 on: April 12, 2018, 12:58:48 PM »
This is an awesome thread with some very thought-provoking insights. Thank you.

I'm still regaining my financial footing after an unexpected divorce after 16 mostly-wonderful years married (yes, it happens.)  But, as I work out the day-to-day stuff of rebuilding my life, I am increasingly feeling the angst of "what's next?"  I made it through the initial shock and trauma, I've gotten my kids through (mostly) unscathed.  Now I'm ready to rebuild me.  I don't know what that means, but I am excited to find out.

Side note to anyone whose ex-spouse had a life-destroying MLC, I highly recommend Chump Lady's book and website.  Some amazingly strong, empowering, and wonderful people over there.

You sound like you’re doing well.  That’s wonderful. A member did pm me about chump lady. It is pretty good.   

I actually got an email apology from my ex this morning.  It’s been almost 7 months and nothing til today.  And he said he loved me.  Haven’t gotten that in over a year. 

Going got talk it out with some good people and browse chump lady and read more about narcissism.  Got to get strength to not reply.  It’s hard. 

JustK

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #120 on: April 12, 2018, 03:54:26 PM »
@Awesomeness, feel free to PM me if you need somebody to talk to.  There is also an amazing Forum on Chump Lady (you need to create an account to see it) and even a thread for Meet Ups to see if there is a group in your area.  It's so important to get a support network in place where you can rage, vent, and heal in your own time.  Friends and family who haven't gone through it just can't understand it. Embrace their help, but realize that you need more than they can give. (Enter Chump Nation.) You aren't alone and you WILL get through this.  Big hugs to you.  (And you are a MMM reader, so you've already got a jump start on your awesome new life!)

Secretly Saving

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #121 on: April 12, 2018, 08:32:19 PM »
Opened up this thread today because I think I'm nearly there. Turned 40 this year, two young kids, a really good job, last remaining parent died this year and I inherited seven figures and I feel like- now what? I truly don't know, but everything feels very hard. But I know it shouldn't. I mean most people would say I've got it all right?

This is me EXACTLY.  A great life and yet, it's not complete.

Awesomeness

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #122 on: April 13, 2018, 08:57:14 PM »
This is an awesome thread with some very thought-provoking insights. Thank you.

I'm still regaining my financial footing after an unexpected divorce after 16 mostly-wonderful years married (yes, it happens.)  But, as I work out the day-to-day stuff of rebuilding my life, I am increasingly feeling the angst of "what's next?"  I made it through the initial shock and trauma, I've gotten my kids through (mostly) unscathed.  Now I'm ready to rebuild me.  I don't know what that means, but I am excited to find out.

Side note to anyone whose ex-spouse had a life-destroying MLC, I highly recommend Chump Lady's book and website.  Some amazingly strong, empowering, and wonderful people over there.

You sound like you’re doing well.  That’s wonderful. A member did pm me about chump lady. It is pretty good.   

I actually got an email apology from my ex this morning.  It’s been almost 7 months and nothing til today.  And he said he loved me.  Haven’t gotten that in over a year. 

Going got talk it out with some good people and browse chump lady and read more about narcissism.  Got to get strength to not reply.  It’s hard.

Beware the hoover maneuver, @Awesomeness.  Don't be plan B.  And hugs to you!

I am glad Chump Lady has been found by others.  Her blog just tipped 19 million views last week but that really isn't a comfortable thing to celebrate since it is a kind of measurement of pain.  It is a valuable resource and gets away from the usual shifting of blame to the betrayed spouse.     

Thank you. Staying strong, read a lot of her stuff today and yesterday. I won’t be replying to the email but it does hurt. I hate having a hard heart, that’s just not me but it’s necessary. 

I was surprised to see posts by men but women cheat too.  It got me thinking I may forward her site to the other chump in my situation, I mean why not if it could help him, she told him she did it because he worked too much, I “pushed mine away”. So yeah shifting blame, cowards.  When I first checked out the website it seemed like a place to vent and bad mouth the cheating ex but it’s really not. Sure that’s there but it’s really to help others and help yourself stay strong.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 06:07:11 PM by Awesomeness »

ynotme

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #123 on: April 14, 2018, 03:22:08 PM »
Great insights @Malkynn

What are strategies you've used to change your mindset to appreciate your current day to day life? Would love to hear anyone else's thoughts as well.

MrThatsDifferent

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #124 on: April 14, 2018, 03:26:09 PM »
Great insights @Malkynn

What are strategies you've used to change your mindset to appreciate your current day to day life? Would love to hear anyone else's thoughts as well.

Agreed, that was rather brilliant.

partgypsy

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #125 on: April 14, 2018, 04:32:05 PM »
I ended up talking with my soon to be ex, about any second thoughts(mine and his). And it did bring me clarity. Bottom line he does still like me, prob still loves me and often feels like he made the biggest mistake of his life. But, once he strayed, he realized he didn't have the same feelings about marriage anymore. Basically before he would have never considered being unfaithful, but now that he did, marriage doesn't have same meaning. I think he told the truth and I'm glad he told me for closure. He's not marriage material anymore.
« Last Edit: April 14, 2018, 04:34:26 PM by partgypsy »

Holyoak

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #126 on: April 14, 2018, 05:50:08 PM »
Partgypsy,

I'm the victim of adultery from my ex-wife after 24 years of marriage, and as you will see, and I hope never forget reading the stories on Chumplady:

And (he) often feels like he made the shittiest, most selfish biggest mistake  CHOICE of his life.

He CHOSE and planned this; lies, deception, risking your health, selfishness above honor, truth and love...  Never forget this.

In no way am I criticizing what you wrote, only that I'm sure you know what I mean by my additions.  I want to give you hope, with what may well be the most challenging experience of your life...  You don't get over this; you go/get through it.  No matter how dark it may get, no matter as in my case children being weaponized against you, thrown out of your home by lies, witnessing a near violent confrontation at my home from the other betrayed spouse, gaslighting and outright and complete lies are told to your children, family, even the courts, you will emerge wiser, and stronger concerning many things.  You too will learn that you do not have to forgive anyone, especially, gulp, a 'person' who could commit perhaps the most painful act of premeditated emotional rape, that can be imagined.

Please never waiver, ever think the devil you know is better than..., or as mentioned ever consider being plan-B, or accept one atoms worth of blame.  100% no-contact will be your savior, where you will find strength, true clarity, and shelter from the storm.  Also, please know that even when you go from sobbing a bottomless well of tears, then 20 seconds later experience a white-hot homicidal rage it's normal, and OK.  Please make sure to eat as well as you can, drink plenty of water, and try to stay away from booze/drugs.  I lost 50 lbs, and literally thought my heart would stop many times.  believe-it-or-not, one day this person will be just a name, just a person you knew, and it will happen on a Tuesday (the last bit you will gleam from CL).  You are not alone, and please if you feel the need to talk/vent to a non-judgmental stranger, who absolutely gets what you are going through and cares, please PM me, or even call if you need it.  I wish you peace.

 

shranoor2

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #127 on: April 14, 2018, 06:18:25 PM »
Lots to think about on this thread and really interesting reading.

This is giving me some new perspective and helping me think more in depth about why I needed to get out of my 20 year marriage.

Thanks to all who have shared their experiences and ideas.

Channel-Z

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #128 on: April 14, 2018, 07:12:18 PM »
How wonderful, I'm 41, so I guess I have another decade or so of the U-bend? Unfortunately I've known three people already who took their lives at this age, or close to it. I've told myself to be grateful that I'm still here, that I no matter how boring or painful life can be, for another day anyway, I am here, and aware, even if I'm just scanning the old plateau.

I categorize my mid-life crisis in two ways.

1. Mental exhaustion. My job is mentally exhausting, and not lucrative. But I also feel depleted of ideas to change my life for the better.

2. Incompleteness. I missed multiple milestones. I never got married. I never had children. At age 41, logically, I know those two things will likely not occur. No milestones are left afterward, other than to stop working. But oddly, despite this feeling of an incomplete life, living alone is exactly where I'm most comfortable.

By the way, I don't live near any mountains, so mountain biking is out. I'm probably my suburb's most active pedestrian, and I'm astonished I haven't been hit by one of our king-of-the-road SUV/pick-up drivers. :D

Step37

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #129 on: April 14, 2018, 07:37:27 PM »
This FIRE concept IS my midlife crisis! I hope I survive it. My marriage though may not.

Same, I think. Except that I’m lucky to have my husband on the same page FIREwise. I feel like I’ve never completely recovered from my five-year phase of workaholism, which ended four years ago with starting a new job and buying into the company. It’s been good financially but I feel trapped. My attempts at scaling back and taking myself out of the day-to-day have not been as successful as I’d hoped. I hate this feeling. Can definitely relate to the OP.

partgypsy

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #130 on: April 15, 2018, 06:39:39 AM »
Thank you Holyoak. Sounds like you've been through the same thing. And after this talk as he was leaving he said "maybe we can hang out sometime and have a beer?" And I said "for what, to celebrate our divorce?" And he said "no just to hang out, maybe reminisce about old times." (we were together for 25 years, married for 20). I told him I was busy this month.
« Last Edit: April 15, 2018, 06:41:16 AM by partgypsy »

Schaefer Light

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Re: Has anyone survived a midlife crisis?
« Reply #131 on: April 15, 2018, 07:11:54 AM »
Great insights @Malkynn

What are strategies you've used to change your mindset to appreciate your current day to day life? Would love to hear anyone else's thoughts as well.

Uhh...

Wow. Good question.
Therapy? Lots of therapy?

All joking aside, it really is more of an active choice than anything else.
It’s remembering that every damn thing in your life is something you chose, and to take responsibility for those choices, so if you aren’t happy, that’s on you. More profoundly, the only way to be happy is to feel that you have a choice in your life, so accepting that your life is your choice is not just the path through the bullshit, it’s also the path to the actual happiness, which is cool. Keeps things simple.

While I agree with most of what you're saying, I have a problem with the part in bold.  That's not always true.  I didn't choose for my wife to leave me, and I also didn't choose to have a hereditary medical condition that will impact my lifestyle for the rest of my days.  I think you're spot on about our way of thinking about things being a major cause of unhappiness (or contentment).  I just don't think we have quite as much control over our circumstances as some may believe.  The older I get, the more I realize just how little control I have over things.  This is what I struggle with.

 

Wow, a phone plan for fifteen bucks!