Author Topic: Friendly banter hits a nerve  (Read 33383 times)

GreenSheep

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #50 on: February 17, 2016, 11:53:32 AM »
I agree that sometimes these things hit a nerve because it's something you're insecure about, but I don't think that's always the case.

For example, I'm often annoyed by people who tell me how young I look or ask how old I am. I'm thrilled that people think I look younger than I am, and I'm not at all sensitive or insecure about it, but it drives me insane because it's a gigantic waste of time. I have to get through that mini-conversation before I can get down to business at work, often with person after person after person. I also have a last name that inspires the same comment by every. single. person. who ever hears/sees it, and okay, I'm not in kindergarten anymore, so I'm totally over it, but come on. I'm not in kindergarten anymore, and neither are you. Can we not get past making fun of someone's name? It's annoying and, again, a waste of time to make the obvious comment about my name. Original content, please?

Eric

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #51 on: February 17, 2016, 12:00:16 PM »
For example, I'm often annoyed by people who tell me how young I look or ask how old I am. I'm thrilled that people think I look younger than I am, and I'm not at all sensitive or insecure about it, but it drives me insane because it's a gigantic waste of time.

Start answering like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM7B-SeNEhI

palebluedot

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #52 on: February 17, 2016, 12:02:26 PM »
Has anyone here read "Nonviolent Communication"? I've heard goods things about it but the book is always checked out from my library. Anyone who has read it care to give an excerpt? :)

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034

pachnik

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #53 on: February 17, 2016, 12:17:54 PM »
If someone makes fun of you for your tiny and frugal hatchback just tell them you are compensating for your enormous penis.

Oh, this one made me LOL at work!  It would be priceless to say it to someone.

AlwaysLearningToSave

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #54 on: February 17, 2016, 12:20:48 PM »
Has anyone here read "Nonviolent Communication"? I've heard goods things about it but the book is always checked out from my library. Anyone who has read it care to give an excerpt? :)

http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-A-Language-Life/dp/1892005034

Haven't read it, but it looks interesting.  I'm liking the book suggestions that have shown up on this thread, so I'm posting to follow in hopes there are more suggestions to come!

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #55 on: February 17, 2016, 01:50:30 PM »
It really does matter how it is delivered and what tone, etc. But it is not fun to tease the same person about the same crap all the time.  No wonder  you are sick of it and I would be too.  My sister has spent her whole life single by choice and I can't tell you how many comments I got from people when we were younger always asking is she was gay, who she was dating, etc. After awhile it really started to piss me off. By age 42 she quit dating-so what?  It was her decision.  She never wanted to marry or live with someone and people found that odd.  I guess I would try to comeback with something that is intended to make them stop.  Good luck:))
When people ask me why I'm still single?
When I don't care: I'm broken! I'm Single by Choice. Just Not My Choice!
To a hot woman: I'm just lucky I guess! Why are you interested?
To a buddy in front of his woman: I'm just waiting for you chick to break up with you! Or ask the woman if he's proposed to her yet?
Nuclear: Ahhhahaha....go fuck yourself! How are you still married?

Erica

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #56 on: February 17, 2016, 01:53:34 PM »
I'm sure just about everyone has taken part of some sort of friendly banter or battle of wits with our Friends/Family. I've never cared for it that much but I've become very good at playing the game. I admit that it can be fun if people keep it good natured and I'm fine with that. But lately some topics hit a nerve with me and it's odd because I normally have a very thick skin, especially since I spent 23 yrs in the Military and busting each others chops was a daily activity.

Like:
- If someone calls me cheap...I don't think they are being serious but it's like an ice pick in the ribs.
- If someone makes fun of me driving a small hatchback...I have some good come backs for this so I can side step it fairly easy but I feel that this one bothers me because it comes up often. I just feel like showing them my account balance and tell them trust me I can afford something better but choose not to but I also don't want to show them my balance, then they would want to barrow money :-)
- If someone cracks on me for being single or accuses me of being gay...Once again I can shut it down quickly but sometimes I can get down right ugly with my banter.
 
I know I should just keep a cool head and return fun banter or ask them to back off that topic but dang it's very hard at times. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these situations? Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky :-)
If someone asks if you are gay, and they are the same gender, just say "sorry, I am not interested" then watch their face turn red.

To the rest, alot of people are intimidated by others who exhibit self control. Especially if they seem content, as if it is no effort. It's likely something they haven't mastered yet so out of their mouth comes a put down. It helps them feel better about their own weakness in that area. JMHO
« Last Edit: February 17, 2016, 02:00:27 PM by Outdoorsygal »

ketchup

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #57 on: February 17, 2016, 02:04:25 PM »
If someone makes fun of you for your tiny and frugal hatchback just tell them you are compensating for your enormous penis.

Oh, this one made me LOL at work!  It would be priceless to say it to someone.
I've used this in a sense.  I drive a '99 Metro to work.  While smarming with a coworker about a different coworker compensating for something with his gigantic commuter pickup I said that I do that too.

andy85

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #58 on: February 17, 2016, 02:12:21 PM »
When people ask me why I'm still single?
When I don't care: I'm broken! I'm Single by Choice. Just Not My Choice!
To a hot woman: I'm just lucky I guess! Why are you interested?
To a buddy in front of his woman: I'm just waiting for you chick to break up with you! Or ask the woman if he's proposed to her yet?
Nuclear: Ahhhahaha....go fuck yourself! How are you still married?

that is golden...im putting that one in the ole memory bank...

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #59 on: February 17, 2016, 02:27:37 PM »
The teasing about homosexuality is not cool. I just went to a wedding where the groom's best man (already in the bag) mentioned his suspicions that the 39-year-old groom might have been a "homo" (his word) not once, not twice, but five times. Ended his drunken speech with, "at least now we know for sure he's not a homo." It's just inappropriate and unnecessary.

As others here have said, sometimes things just get old. Jokes about sexuality, economic status and race were the norm in my family, and I grew out of them without ever announcing it or verbalizing it. I simply let it happen whenever I was around, which wasn't often. When I introduced my girlfriend (now wife) to my family, the jokes continued and were problematic because my family is white and my wife is not. I didn't prep either side properly, and now the relationship is dead from the toxic fallout. Long story short, I called my family on their inappropriate behavior and they shrugged and said "Who, us?"

If the joking seems inappropriate to you, I'd recommend being vocal about it to avoid a situation like mine. My family are decent if misguided people, and I could have salvaged a relationship with them if I had told them over the years how to behave more decently in front of new people, if not in front of people they purport to love. They probably feel like everything with my wife and me was sprung on them at once, which caused them to dig in in defense of some really nasty behavior. They chose to do that, made that bed and are sleeping in it, but I feel like some comments from me over the years could have primed the pump and produced a better result.
I totally relate...My Dad and Sister both have the gift of not having a mouth filter. Last time I visited my Sister she jabbed me hard a few times when I wasn't ready for it. Like she introduced me to one of her coworkers "This is my unemployed brother!" but she did see my face and corrected herself and mentioned that I was retired AF. Then she called me cheap 3 times in front of her friends for not donating to her charity race...and I was trying to hit on one of her good looking friends (Completely derailed my game). The sad part was I was planning on matching her overall total of donations...I ended up not donating nothing.

When I visited my Dad: I just arrived after driving 2 days for a visit, (Preface: I've lost 50 lbs) cracked a beer after I arrived and before I finished my beer he mentioned that I look like a cancer patient (I let that one slide). Then the next day he said something like that again and I lost it and laid into him. A couple days later he jabbed a few times about being cheap in front of other people (Note they are all heavy in debt)...it caught me off guard but I said a few tasteless things back about having zero money issues.

When it comes from Family it really can get to me...I know they love me a lot and talk well of me when I'm away but I just wished I heard it more when I was home.

I also agree on the Gay bashing, which happens often with my Friends. I mean what if I was gay? I could come up with a few whips on that but I will let that one be.

Ok maybe one...lol: I could get on your level, but I don't like being on my knees as much as you do!
« Last Edit: February 17, 2016, 02:35:22 PM by DollarBill »

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #60 on: February 17, 2016, 02:29:43 PM »
If someone makes fun of you for your tiny and frugal hatchback just tell them you are compensating for your enormous penis.

Oh, this one made me LOL at work!  It would be priceless to say it to someone.
I've used this in a sense.  I drive a '99 Metro to work.  While smarming with a coworker about a different coworker compensating for something with his gigantic commuter pickup I said that I do that too.
I'll be using those in the future! Classic!

justajane

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #61 on: February 17, 2016, 02:39:32 PM »
We get teased about certain things, including not having smartphones. This one really bothers me. I have used Kris's approach before ("Why are you so bothered by my lack of a smartphone?"), but the jokes keep coming. 

We are also considered the lame ones in our group because we don't go to Vegas with them for their birthdays, since they live in the Midwest and I can just drive 10 minutes and wish them a birthday at a nearby restaurant. We also don't like to stay out late, because our kids are early risers and therefore need to be in bed by 7:30 or they are gigantic pains in the asses the next day. This also elicits some jokes about being prematurely old.

Since I'm a former graduate student and an academic, somehow I get a "free pass" for being lame, at least that's what one of our friends said recently when he brought up my lameness. But my husband, who has known them longer, is apparently unacceptable and contradictory, especially in his lack of a smartphone. I don't get it. They judge him more somewhat harshly for it. But my question is - why the fuck do they care?

And I'm not projecting here. These are actual conversations we have had with words like "lame," "old", etc. being used. I try not to let it bother me. I have concluded it says more about them than it says about me. I'm okay with who I am, even if that means my friends think I'm 38 going on 60. Oh, well.

What's funny about this is that pop-culture wise, my husband and I are the most cutting edge so to speak in that we watch the most non-traditional television shows and know the most about indie bands, books and movies. But apparently that doesn't increase our street cred with them.


DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #62 on: February 17, 2016, 02:42:03 PM »
I used to enjoy "friendly banter" and being "witty" a lot more, and at some point I realized: that's what people say to justifying being mean, obnoxious, or bullying. This type of banter meant that I was always putting people down or being put down, it was super negative.

The fact that it's funny or teasing or whatever is the cover we use to excuse this behavior. At some point, though, a lot of people don't find it funny. It's either annoying and sometimes straight up hurtful.

There are some people I felt comfortable point that out to (one buddy shares in confidence that I always made him feel bad when we were younger :( ). There were some people that I just had to cut back on spending time with. I made it a point not to engage in this and not to hang around other people who did this as their form of socializing or bonding. The hardest was within my family dynamic.

I don't agree that the things that bug you are always insecurity. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's stuff that means something to you or go to your core values. If you believe that it's good to save money or drive an old car and someone mocks that, it's natural for that to upset you.
I agree it would probably be more healthy to be in a cleaner environment but I would have to cut almost everyone out of my life and start over again. I'll do my best to say away from my nuclear options for my comebacks.

RetiredAt63

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #63 on: February 17, 2016, 02:48:31 PM »
Who are these people?  Maybe you need new friends?  I hope they aren't relatives.

My DD jokes that she and boyfriend are old, because they have to get up early for work and don't stay up late any more (late 20's).  They are laughing at their younger selves who did hit the bars a lot.  But by the late 20's, pretty well all their friends are sensible about lifestyle choices, even if they do try to break body parts on vacation (snowboarding).

I had a floor-mate in residence first year university who kept asking me personal questions.  Being polite and well-brought-up, I answered, and she got nosier.  I finally asked her why she was asking me all this, and she replied that she wanted to see how far she could get me to go.  So there are people who really do like to push people's buttons.  I got really good at ignoring people like that, or just answering MYOB (a bit more politely) or asking them why they cared to know, or why do they think that is worth saying?  Blank stares can be useful too.  Of course what I would like to say, in a snarky, tone, is "well aren't you the little nosy Parker/snarker now?" but as I said, too polite.


We are also considered the lame ones in our group because we don't go to Vegas with them for their birthdays, since they live in the Midwest and I can just drive 10 minutes and wish them a birthday at a nearby restaurant. We also don't like to stay out late, because our kids are early risers and therefore need to be in bed by 7:30 or they are gigantic pains in the asses the next day. This also elicits some jokes about being prematurely old.


DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #64 on: February 17, 2016, 02:51:01 PM »
We get teased about certain things, including not having smartphones. This one really bothers me. I have used Kris's approach before ("Why are you so bothered by my lack of a smartphone?"), but the jokes keep coming. 

We are also considered the lame ones in our group because we don't go to Vegas with them for their birthdays, since they live in the Midwest and I can just drive 10 minutes and wish them a birthday at a nearby restaurant. We also don't like to stay out late, because our kids are early risers and therefore need to be in bed by 7:30 or they are gigantic pains in the asses the next day. This also elicits some jokes about being prematurely old.

Since I'm a former graduate student and an academic, somehow I get a "free pass" for being lame, at least that's what one of our friends said recently when he brought up my lameness. But my husband, who has known them longer, is apparently unacceptable and contradictory, especially in his lack of a smartphone. I don't get it. They judge him more somewhat harshly for it. But my question is - why the fuck do they care?

And I'm not projecting here. These are actual conversations we have had with words like "lame," "old", etc. being used. I try not to let it bother me. I have concluded it says more about them than it says about me. I'm okay with who I am, even if that means my friends think I'm 38 going on 60. Oh, well.

What's funny about this is that pop-culture wise, my husband and I are the most cutting edge so to speak in that we watch the most non-traditional television shows and know the most about indie bands, books and movies. But apparently that doesn't increase our street cred with them.
Oh man, I use to get that too about the phone. They would talk about my Fred Flintstone phone...lol. I also get called old/lame/married single guy/Cinderella because I never stay out past midnight (Most of the time its 11pm).

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #65 on: February 17, 2016, 02:57:43 PM »
Quote
I had a floor-mate in residence first year university who kept asking me personal questions.  Being polite and well-brought-up, I answered, and she got nosier.  I finally asked her why she was asking me all this, and she replied that she wanted to see how far she could get me to go.  So there are people who really do like to push people's buttons.  I got really good at ignoring people like that, or just answering MYOB (a bit more politely) or asking them why they cared to know, or why do they think that is worth saying?  Blank stares can be useful too.  Of course what I would like to say, in a snarky, tone, is "well aren't you the little nosy Parker/snarker now?" but as I said, too polite.
About a year ago I had to have a serious talk with my Sister because it got toxic during a visit. While we talked it dawned on me that she would fence sit or play devils advocate on just about every topic, instead of sharing what her true views on a subject. Our relationship has been 10X better since the talk.

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #66 on: February 17, 2016, 03:03:53 PM »
The teasing about homosexuality is not cool. I just went to a wedding where the groom's best man (already in the bag) mentioned his suspicions that the 39-year-old groom might have been a "homo" (his word) not once, not twice, but five times. Ended his drunken speech with, "at least now we know for sure he's not a homo." It's just inappropriate and unnecessary.

As others here have said, sometimes things just get old. Jokes about sexuality, economic status and race were the norm in my family, and I grew out of them without ever announcing it or verbalizing it. I simply let it happen whenever I was around, which wasn't often. When I introduced my girlfriend (now wife) to my family, the jokes continued and were problematic because my family is white and my wife is not. I didn't prep either side properly, and now the relationship is dead from the toxic fallout. Long story short, I called my family on their inappropriate behavior and they shrugged and said "Who, us?"

If the joking seems inappropriate to you, I'd recommend being vocal about it to avoid a situation like mine. My family are decent if misguided people, and I could have salvaged a relationship with them if I had told them over the years how to behave more decently in front of new people, if not in front of people they purport to love. They probably feel like everything with my wife and me was sprung on them at once, which caused them to dig in in defense of some really nasty behavior. They chose to do that, made that bed and are sleeping in it, but I feel like some comments from me over the years could have primed the pump and produced a better result.
I totally relate...My Dad and Sister both have the gift of not having a mouth filter. Last time I visited my Sister she jabbed me hard a few times when I wasn't ready for it. Like she introduced me to one of her coworkers "This is my unemployed brother!" but she did see my face and corrected herself and mentioned that I was retired AF. Then she called me cheap 3 times in front of her friends for not donating to her charity race...and I was trying to hit on one of her good looking friends (Completely derailed my game). The sad part was I was planning on matching her overall total of donations...I ended up not donating nothing.

When I visited my Dad: I just arrived after driving 2 days for a visit, (Preface: I've lost 50 lbs) cracked a beer after I arrived and before I finished my beer he mentioned that I look like a cancer patient (I let that one slide). Then the next day he said something like that again and I lost it and laid into him. A couple days later he jabbed a few times about being cheap in front of other people (Note they are all heavy in debt)...it caught me off guard but I said a few tasteless things back about having zero money issues.

When it comes from Family it really can get to me...I know they love me a lot and talk well of me when I'm away but I just wished I heard it more when I was home.

I also agree on the Gay bashing, which happens often with my Friends. I mean what if I was gay? I could come up with a few whips on that but I will let that one be.

Ok maybe one...lol: I could get on your level, but I don't like being on my knees as much as you do!
My Dad and Sister also have a gift of dropping a bomb on someone then when someone gets mad about it they turn it back around again so that that person will feel bad again. Like: sorry I didn't know you were so sensitive. Sorry I'm such an A-hole!

TheOldestYoungMan

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #67 on: February 17, 2016, 03:44:33 PM »
There have been a couple of times in my life where I felt the same way.  The one I remember most was after a serious long-time girlfriend I had proposed to (because pregnant!) was hit and killed by a drunk driver.  Never did find out if the answer was yes or no.

I'm an intensely private person in real life, and in particular with respect to dating I do not involve my family at all.  At all.  Mostly this is because my parents have teased me about girls my entire life.   It is one of my earliest memories.

After the accident I went home to visit them, and when they opened the door they greeted me with the same question they always did, "have you found a girl yet?"  They had no knowledge of my dating situation, they never had.

I proceeded to have a complete and total breakdown.  I told them everything, the entire history of this relationship, and how their constant teasing about this topic led me to conceal from them this person who meant so much to me, and at the same time open the door to them inflicting on me a truly horrifying greeting in this one particular instance.

It's not a topic they've ever brought up with me since.

And since then when there is a topic that makes me uncomfortable, truly bothers me, with anyone, I just take them aside for a sincere exchange about what it does to me to when they do it.  100% of the time people have respected that.  If I ever come across someone who doesn't, I'll know I've found a bully and do my best to avoid them in the future.

Remember that none of us is good at this, and what comes out of most people's mouth is just filling the silence.  Address it with deliberateness in yourself, respond to it with compassion in others.

The privacy with respect to dating has meant I have constantly had to deal with the sexual orientation question too, and it always irritated me because:

1.  What a weird thing to speculate about in another person?
2.  So what if I am?
3.  What does that have to do with dating?  A gay single person largely resembles a straight single person?
4.  Why does my value as a person hinge on my relationship status?

It's bothered me my whole life, the combination of not actually wanting to know what's going on with me, just wanting to make sure if I fit a category that they shun they make sure they know.

There's plenty of reasons to hate me without knowing anything about where I'm currently storing my erections, thank you.

And I just roll my eyes at the car jokes.  I fucking hate my car too, thank you very much for pointing that out how shitty it is.  It's remarkably poop free though, unlike your sofa!  *pulls up pants and exits building*

AH013

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #68 on: February 17, 2016, 03:53:41 PM »
If someone makes fun of you for your tiny and frugal hatchback just tell them you are compensating for your enormous penis.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV9Uu2T0q0E

Paul der Krake

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #69 on: February 17, 2016, 04:05:01 PM »
If someone makes fun of you for your tiny and frugal hatchback just tell them you are compensating for your enormous penis.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV9Uu2T0q0E
Amazeballs.

jim555

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #70 on: February 17, 2016, 04:13:41 PM »
I had a co-worker rib me for my frugal ways.  He is still slaving away.  I am not.  Remember...
He who laughs last - laughs best.

faramund

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #71 on: February 17, 2016, 04:33:33 PM »
It doesn't come very direct to me about this, probably because almost everyone I've talked to for more than 2 hours or so, outside of work, knows that I'm saving to retire in 7 years. If anyone gets annoying, I tend to ask them what their retirement plans are.

But at its core, I know I am financially in a much better place than 95%+ of the people I know, so I have a core sense of sorrow/sympathy for other people's finances - so questions about what I spend, or what I spend on, just don't have much impact.

faramund

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #72 on: February 17, 2016, 05:05:30 PM »
Actually, I have to follow onto this. I have a friend who works as a contractor, and over the last couple of years he's been unemployed for several periods of time when I know he has run short on money/borrowed money from his parents.

Anyway, his personality varies, my theory is that at base, he's reasonable but a bit arrogant, but when he's in a relationship his arrogance steps up a fair bit, and if he's employed, it does that again. So his arrogance has often rubbed me the wrong way.

So, about 5 weeks ago, he got a new job - thus ending his most recent unemployed period, and last night I went around to another friend's place - essentially once a week we get together with a group of friends for a video/gaming night, and in his driveway was this massive new Mercedes-Benz - I really don't know what sort it was, just more of a van than a sedan shape.

As we left, it turned out that it belonged to the newly re-employed friend, who I'm pretty sure has near zero net worth. I'm still, just flabbergasted. And my mind keeps turning over what to say when he brings it up (although there is a chance he won't because he already knows what I think). My mind turns between, well I could buy one myself, but I'd have to put off retirement by a year, or I could sell my bank stocks and buy one - but what would be the point, or, I thought you were going to save for a house deposit, or... ok.. I'll probably just be nice, but arrggghhhh......


Cassie

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #73 on: February 17, 2016, 05:30:41 PM »
We buy at cars at about 3 years and then keep them until the die or cost too much to repair. So in 2002 I bought a nice 1999 Volvo and everyone thought it was awesome. Later though I kept getting "it's old" remarks. I would say-it feels great to drive and is paid for. Then I would go on how I intended to drive it till it had 400,000 miles. Then I would get "It's not reliable to take on trips."  I would counter with I get it looked over before we leave.  It never actually bothered me and I would always say "We have no car payment-awesome!"  Eventually people stopped. Unfortunately at 14 yo and 178,000 miles it needed repairs that totaled 6K so we parted ways. Now we are doing the same thing with a Honda Accord and a Toyota Corolla.  Right now they are both still nice:))

johnny847

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #74 on: February 17, 2016, 05:38:56 PM »
Quote
I had a floor-mate in residence first year university who kept asking me personal questions.  Being polite and well-brought-up, I answered, and she got nosier.  I finally asked her why she was asking me all this, and she replied that she wanted to see how far she could get me to go.  So there are people who really do like to push people's buttons.  I got really good at ignoring people like that, or just answering MYOB (a bit more politely) or asking them why they cared to know, or why do they think that is worth saying?  Blank stares can be useful too.  Of course what I would like to say, in a snarky, tone, is "well aren't you the little nosy Parker/snarker now?" but as I said, too polite.
About a year ago I had to have a serious talk with my Sister because it got toxic during a visit. While we talked it dawned on me that she would fence sit or play devils advocate on just about every topic, instead of sharing what her true views on a subject. Our relationship has been 10X better since the talk.

One of my friends does this. And it actually bothers me more than when someone's friendly banter hits a nerve. Because my conversations with her, by expressing my viewpoint I am sharing something about myself. Whereas she shares nothing. It seems rather unfair, which is why I don't like talking with her.

mancityfan

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #75 on: February 17, 2016, 05:54:35 PM »
I have always struggled with banter. I was born and raised in the UK for 25 years, last 27 here. The UK is the home of "banter", it is a national sport. Ribbing, putting people down, believe me the UK has perfected this. On the whole it is very negative as it is used (IMHO) to keep people in their rightful place, and to make sure no one gets too full of themselves. The end result of course is that many Brits stay in their rightful place. JMHO. In the US, the level of ribbing is maybe a 2-3/10 on the "UK scale". Americans take themselves very seriously (all this is generalization I know), much more seriously than people in the UK, they are very concerned with how they are viewed by others. Sit in a pub in London with UK friends, and be prepared to be ripped to shreds, and to play your own part. I had to learn these differences the hard way believe me!

justajane

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #76 on: February 17, 2016, 06:03:49 PM »
I have always struggled with banter. I was born and raised in the UK for 25 years, last 27 here. The UK is the home of "banter", it is a national sport. Ribbing, putting people down, believe me the UK has perfected this. On the whole it is very negative as it is used (IMHO) to keep people in their rightful place, and to make sure no one gets too full of themselves. The end result of course is that many Brits stay in their rightful place. JMHO. In the US, the level of ribbing is maybe a 2-3/10 on the "UK scale". Americans take themselves very seriously (all this is generalization I know), much more seriously than people in the UK, they are very concerned with how they are viewed by others. Sit in a pub in London with UK friends, and be prepared to be ripped to shreds, and to play your own part. I had to learn these differences the hard way believe me!

I lived in England for a year, and I definitely experienced what you describe. I was in Oxford and spent quite a bit of time in pubs, usually as the only American. Let me tell you, I was definitely ribbed and ripped. It was hard on me, frankly, and by the end of the year I was ready to go home. I could probably handle it much better now that I am older and more secure in myself, but as an early twenties student, it was pretty difficult. I definitely agree with you that overall Americans have thinner skins. 

mancityfan

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #77 on: February 17, 2016, 06:14:23 PM »
Sorry you had to go through that Justajane. Without wanting to derail the thread, a little comedic representation of US v UK banter:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X6QqZF3J14

FrugalShrew

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #78 on: February 17, 2016, 06:20:57 PM »
2) Give your car a cute name. I called my hatchback Eggbert, and when people made cracks about him, my response was: "You are insulting EGGBERT???!!!" Very loudly. The other people in my office would then say things like: "Oh, you don't want to mess with Eggbert."

Hahaha hilarious!

sonjak

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #79 on: February 17, 2016, 08:01:56 PM »
The teasing about homosexuality is not cool. I just went to a wedding where the groom's best man (already in the bag) mentioned his suspicions that the 39-year-old groom might have been a "homo" (his word) not once, not twice, but five times. Ended his drunken speech with, "at least now we know for sure he's not a homo." It's just inappropriate and unnecessary.

As others here have said, sometimes things just get old. Jokes about sexuality, economic status and race were the norm in my family, and I grew out of them without ever announcing it or verbalizing it. I simply let it happen whenever I was around, which wasn't often. When I introduced my girlfriend (now wife) to my family, the jokes continued and were problematic because my family is white and my wife is not. I didn't prep either side properly, and now the relationship is dead from the toxic fallout. Long story short, I called my family on their inappropriate behavior and they shrugged and said "Who, us?"

If the joking seems inappropriate to you, I'd recommend being vocal about it to avoid a situation like mine. My family are decent if misguided people, and I could have salvaged a relationship with them if I had told them over the years how to behave more decently in front of new people, if not in front of people they purport to love. They probably feel like everything with my wife and me was sprung on them at once, which caused them to dig in in defense of some really nasty behavior. They chose to do that, made that bed and are sleeping in it, but I feel like some comments from me over the years could have primed the pump and produced a better result.
I totally relate...My Dad and Sister both have the gift of not having a mouth filter. Last time I visited my Sister she jabbed me hard a few times when I wasn't ready for it. Like she introduced me to one of her coworkers "This is my unemployed brother!" but she did see my face and corrected herself and mentioned that I was retired AF. Then she called me cheap 3 times in front of her friends for not donating to her charity race...and I was trying to hit on one of her good looking friends (Completely derailed my game). The sad part was I was planning on matching her overall total of donations...I ended up not donating nothing.

When I visited my Dad: I just arrived after driving 2 days for a visit, (Preface: I've lost 50 lbs) cracked a beer after I arrived and before I finished my beer he mentioned that I look like a cancer patient (I let that one slide). Then the next day he said something like that again and I lost it and laid into him. A couple days later he jabbed a few times about being cheap in front of other people (Note they are all heavy in debt)...it caught me off guard but I said a few tasteless things back about having zero money issues.

When it comes from Family it really can get to me...I know they love me a lot and talk well of me when I'm away but I just wished I heard it more when I was home.

I also agree on the Gay bashing, which happens often with my Friends. I mean what if I was gay? I could come up with a few whips on that but I will let that one be.

Ok maybe one...lol: I could get on your level, but I don't like being on my knees as much as you do!

I know it's all in the eye of the beholder but these examples don't seem like friendly banter to me.  Maybe it's how I'm reading them, but these comments (especially as you said from family) seem pretty cutting and would hurt me. 

I drive a little car and I get teased about it sometimes.  My ex's ex referred to it (to him) as the "rollerskate" which he was offended by but I thought it was funny and true.  It became my car and refer to it affectionately as the rollerskate now because it really does look like one and it's about that size.  I love that it's been paid for for years, gets good gas mileage, U-turns easily, fits in tight spaces, etc. 

The people I care about the most wouldn't seriously insult my car or give me crap for losing weight, haven't called me gay or bugged me because I"m single and they never made me feel bad when I was unemployed either.

In short, I think there've been a lot of great suggestions on here for how to respond.  I'm just expressing my sympathy that your family isn't kinder.

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #80 on: February 17, 2016, 08:09:24 PM »
I don't know if I made it clear in other posts but I would never put someone down for any of these things. If I jab someone it's mostly over something goofy they did...like dorking up a golf shot or if they say something dumb.

Comebacks for being called cheap! (I need help finding more of these, I couldn't even find any on the net)
When I don't care: I'm not cheap, I'm thrifty! I'm just not wasteful! I'm on a fixed income!
When irritated: You can spend your money any way you see fit and I'll do the same! It's called a budget...try it some time!
Nuclear: How much debt do you have? When did you become such a D**K? Have fun at work this week!

Comebacks for poking fun at my ride!
When I don't care: It's my gold-digger repellant! It's manly because it has a tow hitch! 34 MPG's all day long! I don't want to put the miles on the Ferrari or the Ferrari's in the shop! I got nothing to prove! 
When irritated: How much are your payments? You know nothing about finances!
Nuclear: You're just mad you can't afford my lifestyle! (I did this to a buddy and he fliped his lid. He said "Dude...I make $130K a year". I said find quit your job and lets go travel for a year! Shut him down quick)

CanuckExpat

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #81 on: February 17, 2016, 08:14:03 PM »
Comebacks for being called cheap! (I need help finding more of these, I couldn't even find any on the net)

Thank you. I do try to spend money mindfully, it's so kind of you to notice.

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Comebacks for poking fun at my ride!

Thank you for taking an interest in my car, it's always nice to hear.

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #82 on: February 17, 2016, 08:34:26 PM »
The teasing about homosexuality is not cool. I just went to a wedding where the groom's best man (already in the bag) mentioned his suspicions that the 39-year-old groom might have been a "homo" (his word) not once, not twice, but five times. Ended his drunken speech with, "at least now we know for sure he's not a homo." It's just inappropriate and unnecessary.

As others here have said, sometimes things just get old. Jokes about sexuality, economic status and race were the norm in my family, and I grew out of them without ever announcing it or verbalizing it. I simply let it happen whenever I was around, which wasn't often. When I introduced my girlfriend (now wife) to my family, the jokes continued and were problematic because my family is white and my wife is not. I didn't prep either side properly, and now the relationship is dead from the toxic fallout. Long story short, I called my family on their inappropriate behavior and they shrugged and said "Who, us?"

If the joking seems inappropriate to you, I'd recommend being vocal about it to avoid a situation like mine. My family are decent if misguided people, and I could have salvaged a relationship with them if I had told them over the years how to behave more decently in front of new people, if not in front of people they purport to love. They probably feel like everything with my wife and me was sprung on them at once, which caused them to dig in in defense of some really nasty behavior. They chose to do that, made that bed and are sleeping in it, but I feel like some comments from me over the years could have primed the pump and produced a better result.
I totally relate...My Dad and Sister both have the gift of not having a mouth filter. Last time I visited my Sister she jabbed me hard a few times when I wasn't ready for it. Like she introduced me to one of her coworkers "This is my unemployed brother!" but she did see my face and corrected herself and mentioned that I was retired AF. Then she called me cheap 3 times in front of her friends for not donating to her charity race...and I was trying to hit on one of her good looking friends (Completely derailed my game). The sad part was I was planning on matching her overall total of donations...I ended up not donating nothing.

When I visited my Dad: I just arrived after driving 2 days for a visit, (Preface: I've lost 50 lbs) cracked a beer after I arrived and before I finished my beer he mentioned that I look like a cancer patient (I let that one slide). Then the next day he said something like that again and I lost it and laid into him. A couple days later he jabbed a few times about being cheap in front of other people (Note they are all heavy in debt)...it caught me off guard but I said a few tasteless things back about having zero money issues.

When it comes from Family it really can get to me...I know they love me a lot and talk well of me when I'm away but I just wished I heard it more when I was home.

I also agree on the Gay bashing, which happens often with my Friends. I mean what if I was gay? I could come up with a few whips on that but I will let that one be.

Ok maybe one...lol: I could get on your level, but I don't like being on my knees as much as you do!

I know it's all in the eye of the beholder but these examples don't seem like friendly banter to me.  Maybe it's how I'm reading them, but these comments (especially as you said from family) seem pretty cutting and would hurt me. 

I drive a little car and I get teased about it sometimes.  My ex's ex referred to it (to him) as the "rollerskate" which he was offended by but I thought it was funny and true.  It became my car and refer to it affectionately as the rollerskate now because it really does look like one and it's about that size.  I love that it's been paid for for years, gets good gas mileage, U-turns easily, fits in tight spaces, etc. 

The people I care about the most wouldn't seriously insult my car or give me crap for losing weight, haven't called me gay or bugged me because I"m single and they never made me feel bad when I was unemployed either.

In short, I think there've been a lot of great suggestions on here for how to respond.  I'm just expressing my sympathy that your family isn't kinder.
I can somewhat understand the jabs about cheap only because I talked about hardcore saving and they are both spendy people. They could never do what I've done and it would never make sense to them. But your right it just shouldn't happen. As for the losing weight I think at the time he was trying to say stuff like; I thought you looked better with a little more weight on you but between his poor mouth filter and not really understanding what a healthy weight looks like so it came out horribly wrong...lol. The more I think about it he's probably pretty insecure. Maybe I should try to think of better ways to communicate with them.

DollarBill

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #83 on: February 17, 2016, 09:10:16 PM »
I was bullied a lot growing up, and I still have to deal with my inappropriate/hurtful family sometimes. It's tough to be the person who has to come up with a quip to an arrogant comment. When it comes to my family I make sure I'm not alone with anyone so they can't corner me with questions. Walking away without answering also works. Sometimes I'll say why do you ask? Usually I say nothing at all. Just let them keep talking and not respond. Or just going with it and saying something I know will horrify them.  I find the less I react/ get tense, the more people leave me alone. Because it's really about making themselves feel better by hurting someone else.
What kind of things are they asking you or say/do to hurt you?

tobitonic

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #84 on: February 17, 2016, 09:32:12 PM »
I tend to just smile and respond briefly with good cheer (or more tersely) depending on who made the comment and how much it bothered me. The one time I mildly told someone off at work (by expressing that I didn't appreciate her going to the principal and implying my students weren't dressed enough to go play outside...we're both teachers), she got very defensive (lots of "I was thinking of the children!") and eventually told me to "grow the f up." I debated talking to the principal about that, as it would probably have gotten her in a bit of trouble, but decided to let it go after talking with my wife. Since then, I mostly avoid looking at her when walking past her in the hallways, and she doesn't say anything to me either. I doubt she'll be sharing any more secret complaints with the principal about me any time soon, at least.


Villanelle

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #85 on: February 17, 2016, 09:48:25 PM »
I used to enjoy "friendly banter" and being "witty" a lot more, and at some point I realized: that's what people say to justifying being mean, obnoxious, or bullying. This type of banter meant that I was always putting people down or being put down, it was super negative.

The fact that it's funny or teasing or whatever is the cover we use to excuse this behavior. At some point, though, a lot of people don't find it funny. It's either annoying and sometimes straight up hurtful.

There are some people I felt comfortable point that out to (one buddy shares in confidence that I always made him feel bad when we were younger :( ). There were some people that I just had to cut back on spending time with. I made it a point not to engage in this and not to hang around other people who did this as their form of socializing or bonding. The hardest was within my family dynamic.

I don't agree that the things that bug you are always insecurity. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it's stuff that means something to you or go to your core values. If you believe that it's good to save money or drive an old car and someone mocks that, it's natural for that to upset you.
I agree it would probably be more healthy to be in a cleaner environment but I would have to cut almost everyone out of my life and start over again. I'll do my best to say away from my nuclear options for my comebacks.

If all or nearly all of your friends are like this, it might make sense to do some self-examination, because the one thing in common in all those relationships is you.  It's like a woman who is always dating losers.  That's clearly because she is attracted to losers and she allows them in to her life.  So she needs to look at her choices, what she accepts and encourages, and what changes she needs to make. 

It doesn't mean you tell all these people tomorrow to go fuck themselves.  But maybe you start cultivating relationships with people who are less judgemental and mean-spirited, and over time you drift away from the pricks you currently call friends. 

As for how to handle this stuff, in general if what they are talking about is something about which you don't care, say so, without heat or explanation.  I drive a 2000 Toyota Echo, a car that even MMM made disparaging remarks about.  People are always amazed.  Your car is 16 years old?!!?!  I either say, "Yup, I just don't care much about cars", or "I love my little Echo". 

With more hurtful comments like the weightloss/cancer patient stuff, shaming tends to work pretty well.  Again, delivered without yelling and in a simple and short statement, "Wow.  That's pretty inappropriate and offensive."  If there's an awkward silence after that, good.  Don't be the one to fill it.  Let them stew in it.  Chances are good they will pull something along the lines of "Can't you take a joke?" or "just kidding, Geez".  To which you say, "Kidding?  It's not funny.  It's hurtful."  At that point, you've made your point and whether they deflect again or not, you move on.  But maybe eventually they will do it less often.

RedmondStash

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #86 on: February 17, 2016, 09:56:33 PM »
I agree that what OP is describing doesn't sound like particularly friendly banter.

You've gotten a lot of great advice already. My advice? Double down, and/or turn it around on them.

- They say your car is small? Tell them yeah, you almost got that awesome Smart Car (or other even smaller car, or maybe unicycle) that you really wanted, but some jerk outbid you, so you ended up with this enormous, gas-guzzling tank. Bummer, huh?
- They call you cheap? Tell them damn straight you're cheap, which is why you're going to be sipping margaritas in Cabo while they're stuck in the rat race until they're old and gray.
- The gay thing? I'd probably say, "What the F do you care?" Or maybe, if you're both the same gender, with mock gentleness, "Sorry, friend, but I'm just not that into you."
- The skinny thing? Say, "I have never felt better in my life. Best thing I ever did, losing that weight."

When you own it and make a joke out of it, even if it secretly stings, you're telling them that they can't penetrate your armor there. And if they push it and it gets uglier, maybe those aren't people you really want to be spending your time with.

You can also turn it around:

"What's your fixation on big cars, anyway? That's kind of a weird fetish, but hey, whatever floats your boat."
"Hey, not all of us are trying to win the 'who can go into the deepest debt' game."
"Dude, you sure talk about being gay a lot. Is there something you want to tell me?"
"Hey, you just keep on loving your beer gut. I know how close you two are."

SwordGuy

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #87 on: February 17, 2016, 10:08:24 PM »
There's another way to handle someone who snipes at you.

You do this if they are doing it to be hateful.

Look them in the eye and ask, politely, with a quizzical expression and voice tone, clearly so that everyone can hear,

"I thought were were all here to [have fun as a family][get our company's business done more efficiently][or whatever other reason applies].  Why would you say something like "You are so cheap.  How does that  help us [reference the reason you just mentioned]?"

The usual response will be along the lines of "Can't you take a joke?"  But it really doesn't matter what it is unless it's an honest apology.

If an honest apology wasn't offered, turn whatever they say back into a question like this:

"As I understand it, we are all here to [reference the reason again].  How does your commenting about my ability to take a joke help us do that?"

No matter what they say, turn it right back to them using the same question format.

Snipers like to fire a shot and stay under cover while they do so.

When you do this, you put the spotlight back on them and their actions.   It's no longer about you, it's about them.  Very few people want to have everyone else staring at them while they are questioned in this way.

I've only had to do this twice, but it really works.  They are unlikely to mess with you again - or even anyone else in your presence.


Ozlady

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #88 on: February 17, 2016, 10:32:21 PM »
There are quite a few sales guys who report to my husband; one time, this sales guy zooms into the staff car park in his fancy car  and parked right next to my DH's 15 year old car...when both got out, the sheepish look on the sales guy was priceless! 

Why? My DH knows how much he pays these guys....BUT on the other hand, DH always says the car loans will keep them lean and mean which means they work harder!

One of my friends also cannot understand why i am still driving my old car; at the risk of boasting, i can afford a Merc or a Beemer BUT to me a car is just something to get me from place A to place B...why pay more? i can't understand HER!

To each his /her own!... 

Metric Mouse

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #89 on: February 17, 2016, 11:29:21 PM »
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these situations? Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky :-)



This is classic....

Adventine

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #90 on: February 18, 2016, 12:14:37 AM »
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle these situations? Maybe I'm just getting old and cranky :-)



This is classic....

I am so going to use this on the day I have a money-related argument on the Internet.

munchabunch

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #91 on: February 18, 2016, 10:58:32 AM »
You've gotten a lot of great advice already. My advice? Double down, and/or turn it around on them.

I don't understand why so many people persist with this sort of advice/tactics.  If the issue is that Person A interacts with Person B in a way that Person B finds inappropriate, there's a general mismatch in communication methods.  Person B just communicating harder in their own style doesn't resolve this.

I have a friend who, when we first met, had an extremely short fuse.  The very first time he visited us we had been teasing him (and ourselves) a bit, and he raged out.  Like swiping objects off a table and walking off mad.  There are two parties at fault here.  One was us, for not noticing we were hurting our friend, and the other was our friend, for not communicating his hurt in an appropriate fashion.  As soon as he came back, we stopped the game we had been playing.  "Friend, it's clear that we upset you, and that wasn't our intention, and we're sorry.  But your reaction (storming off, throwing objects) was not appropriate.  The next time you feel we've stepped over a line, we need you to tell us right away, and we'll respect that." We both set expectations and boundaries.  You know what?  We've never had a repeat.  We've all used early and clear communication to draw boundaries.  Last week I found out he used that same technique with another friend who had crossed a line, so the technique is spreading!

Teasing/turning it around/intensifying the interaction doesn't solve the issue.  Being very clear about what you're looking for in communication, and what you are willing to tolerate, helps a lot more.  I've found few people, even adults significantly older than I am, do not expect you to interrupt their behavior and express that certain things are not ok, or are inappropriate.  And anyone who persists in these activities is a grade A asshole.

Parizade

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #92 on: February 18, 2016, 11:25:15 AM »

I don't understand why so many people persist with this sort of advice/tactics.  If the issue is that Person A interacts with Person B in a way that Person B finds inappropriate, there's a general mismatch in communication methods.  Person B just communicating harder in their own style doesn't resolve this.

+1 on this! If someone is teasing you and it's getting on your nerves there are 3 possible explanations:

1. They believe they are being playful and fun, they have no clue that what they are saying bothers you and would be mortified if they did.
2. They are feeling angry or slighted or envious toward you and are expressing that, possibly without even realizing it.
3. They are dysfunctional in some way and seek out victims to harass. They are constantly testing the people around them, looking for the hot buttons that they can push to rile you up. Once found, they push those buttons whenever they are bored and find entertainment in your emotional response.

No matter which explanation fits, the snarky comeback will not fix the problem.

In situation 1, you will hurt a person who genuinely likes you and is trying to build a playful relationship
In situation 2, you will only exacerbate that persons negative feelings toward you and further damage the relationship
In situation 3, you have fallen for a dysfunctional person's head game. No matter how clever the quip, they win because they got you to respond.


justajane

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #93 on: February 18, 2016, 12:53:19 PM »
Regarding the straightforward approach, the problem with that is that then you become the "sensitive one" and the one with the thin skin. I've seen it happen. Maybe some of us don't want to become "that friend" that everyone thinks they have to tiptoe around.

I actually think the more subtle approach (call if snarky if you will) can be even more effective at changing behavior and effectively maintaining the relationship.

If someone really hurt you at a deep level, sure, bring it up in a more straightforward way. But if it's just a communication style that you don't prefer, I don't think sitting them down and having a heart to heart is going to necessarily give you a better result.

kite

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #94 on: February 18, 2016, 12:56:33 PM »
When someone is rude, I apply the Fart Rules.

A minor first offense gets silence. 
Second offense elicits a wince & a face like I think they soiled themselves.
Serious or serial offenders inspire physical distance.  Walk away, move away, cut them out of your life kind of response depending on the severity.  These may be bullies who know they are wrong and don't care that they are wrong.  Isolation or a time-out might teach them a lesson.  But engagement does not.  A snappy retort makes them think you are enjoying the ribbing and that it is mutual.  It encourages them.  The main thing is not to defend something that doesn't need defending.  You don't need to defend your weight, choice of a car or a mate or your frugality nor do you need to tolerate teasing about any of those things.

I stumbled onto this as a young adult.  At a family function, an uncle set out to tease me with a "complement" to my sister. He said to her within earshot of everyone "Wow, you can eat all that and still stay thin unlike your fat sister over there."  Too stunned to formulate a response, I immediately stood up and walked out with no word or expression.  I walked to a nearby library and wouldn't return until I saw his car was gone.  That my weight was perfectly fine is beside the point, it's rude to tease someone about their physical appearance, yet this is something he'd always done to lots of people.  Getting up and leaving was incredibly powerful when he expected me to just roll with it and laugh along.  He never again mentioned my appearance, which was one win.  The other was the knowledge that in any similar circumstance, I could just get up and leave.       
 

Parizade

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #95 on: February 18, 2016, 12:59:19 PM »
Regarding the straightforward approach, the problem with that is that then you become the "sensitive one" and the one with the thin skin.

I think snarky comments make a person come across as too sensitive or thin skinned. People using the straightforward approach come across as rational adults, which encourages those around them to behave like adults as well.

shelivesthedream

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #96 on: February 18, 2016, 01:02:23 PM »
You've gotten a lot of great advice already. My advice? Double down, and/or turn it around on them.

I don't understand why so many people persist with this sort of advice/tactics.  If the issue is that Person A interacts with Person B in a way that Person B finds inappropriate, there's a general mismatch in communication methods.  Person B just communicating harder in their own style doesn't resolve this.
...
Teasing/turning it around/intensifying the interaction doesn't solve the issue.  Being very clear about what you're looking for in communication, and what you are willing to tolerate, helps a lot more.  I've found few people, even adults significantly older than I am, do not expect you to interrupt their behavior and express that certain things are not ok, or are inappropriate.  And anyone who persists in these activities is a grade A asshole.

Two wrongs don't make a right. I have a banterous relationship with many friends (in the apparently typical British way...), but it's not fair to give it out if you can't take it. Most of the time it's fine for one of us to say "Not today" or "I'm not in the mood right now" and we'll back off. Definitely use this as a first step in a world weary tone. However, I would never expect the same from an acquaintance or co-worker. If this continues and I don't want to banter back, I definitely use one of the following, said in a totally deadpan serious voice:

"Sorry, I didn't quite understand the joke. Could you explain it to me?"

"I don't think that's appropriate, do you?"

"Why are you so interested in X?"

"I think we've heard enough about X now."

"That's not very kind, is it?"

If they say "Can't you take a joke?" respond with "It's not a joke if no one's laughing".

If you say these in the right way they are actually very cutting, so use with caution. Saying "it's banter" is not an excuse to hurt people, but only when you've communicated to them that it's not banter. Otherwise how will they know? "Bantering" back communicates to them that it's OK and encourages them.

justajane

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #97 on: February 18, 2016, 01:11:53 PM »
Regarding the straightforward approach, the problem with that is that then you become the "sensitive one" and the one with the thin skin.

I think snarky comments make a person come across as too sensitive or thin skinned. People using the straightforward approach come across as rational adults, which encourages those around them to behave like adults as well.

I guess we need to define what we both mean by the straightforward approach. In my head, I have this idea that you pull someone aside or call them later and say, "By the way, Susie, I really don't like it when you joke about my old flip phone." I try to save those types of confrontational moments with my friends for very important matters. But if it's just a joke that I don't really like, I'm not going to do this.

Relationship dynamics are complicated, and I just haven't had this type of approach work if you use it too often. In other words, people don't like to be corrected in this manner very often.

And if you push back in a more indirect way, then that gives them the opportunity to reconsider their behavior gradually and on their own terms, rather than being forced into this uncomfortable confrontational moment.

Dr. Phil-type exchanges might be perfectly rational but they are not realistic for all relationships. If that's not what you mean by straightforward, then perhaps our views aren't that different.

Parizade

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #98 on: February 18, 2016, 02:17:37 PM »
If that's not what you mean by straightforward, then perhaps our views aren't that different.

I think shelivesthedream has given some good examples of what I would call a straightforward approach. Her responses are not snarky or sarcastic, just very straightforward and adult.

The_path_less_taken

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Re: Friendly banter hits a nerve
« Reply #99 on: February 18, 2016, 03:57:10 PM »
I have a flip phone. People are aghast when I open it and universally respond: "I didn't know they still make those!" followed by increasingly wtf comments.

I smile, nod. Tell them I paid $18 for the phone in 2005 and "by the way, what was your cell phone bill last month?"

They answer and I shake my head sadly.

"What a shame. Mine was $12."

Because....unless you start paying my mortgage, I truly don't give a fuck what your opinion is on what I do with my money.

Etc.

And as an ex-New Yorker....I truly don't care who you are: your opinion has nothing to do with me. A jerk manager at work was snotty to me yesterday saying "why did you do that hand thing when you left?"

"You mean wave good-bye?"

"Yeah, you always do something when you pass my desk. Like today when you walked by."

"Well...I just smiled at you on the way by. But I'm more than happy to frown at you, or flip you off as I pass: whatever works." My ex-boss from another department was standing behind him and almost swallowed his tongue.

I so don't care.