Author Topic: For those with no kids only!  (Read 13892 times)

Retire-Canada

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #50 on: December 06, 2016, 03:18:49 PM »
... a world where little johnnies carbon footprint may be the least of our worries

Every problem this planet has is due to Little Johnny and his footprint.

Slinky

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #51 on: December 06, 2016, 03:43:22 PM »
We're kid free by choice as well. I never liked them, never wanted them, and have no maternal instinct whatsoever. My husband would have gone either way until he turned 40 and came solidly over to the kid free side deeming himself too old. My brother has three and I try to be a good aunt to them, but find it challenging.

stoaX

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #52 on: December 06, 2016, 04:03:48 PM »
Well, we were child free til age 39 and then we adopted 16 now 17 year old twins. They've lived with us for 1.5 years already and should be gone in 2-4 more. Yes, they did cause a slight delay in the mustache life but it's nice because we only have to do the parent thing for like 5 years and then we are done.  Just a different version of how things could go for all you childless planners.

God bless you and yours for doing that - you're making a real difference in this world.  My kids were adopted at older ages (but not 16!).

SJS

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #53 on: December 06, 2016, 05:31:07 PM »
We've been married 18 years - married at 36 & 46.  Decided to go with 2 cats, and we "borrow" the kids!  Has worked out great for us!  We actually have always been very close with our young nieces/nephews.  We call them the "'kids we never had!"    Have spoiled them over the years - fun slumber parties, dinners out, vacations, etc.  Win-win for everyone!  Their parents get a break, we get our kid fix &  our sleep!  ;-)     

SachaFiscal

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #54 on: December 07, 2016, 07:40:56 AM »
Kid-free! I too get my kid fix by spending time with nieces and nephews. Their parents have done an excellent job of raising them. I've seen how hard it is and how rewarding it is for them and I don't regret my decision. My ex-husband didn't want kids so much he got a vasectomy. I just got married recently to my soulmate who doesn't want kids either so I'm all set! My family is very supportive of my decision which helps a lot. My sister actually vehemently repeatedly has convinced me not to have kids. My brother says don't have them unless you really really really want them. My mom doesn't even pressure me to have kids. She was pressured at a young age to get married and have kids because of the culture she grew up in and I don't think she wants do to the same thing to me.  My mother-in-law is a different story. I over heard her telling her friend that she plans to have another granddaughter and already has a name picked out for her! I assume she thinks it is coming from me since my sister in law already has 3 kids and is not planning on anymore. This will be interesting...

Slee_stack

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #55 on: December 07, 2016, 01:41:39 PM »
I'm (somewhat) thankful other people have children.

I'm far more thankful I don't have any of my own.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty that I don't like being around kids / babies at all.

My sister actually asked if I'd be a guardian of her children in case of a tragic event.  I declined as politely as I could.  It was awkward.  I may have seen my life flash before my eyes.



Linea_Norway

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #56 on: December 08, 2016, 12:55:45 AM »
My DH and I are childfree by choice. I am a woman of 43 years old, so I am becoming pretty old for getting children by now.

My DH was very explicit about this choice already when we met in our early 20s. When I was around 32, I had a period of doubt, as everybody around me was getting children. But I also realised that children are a form for burden and that it is not all rosy. That summer my DH went on a badass hiking trip, a month hiking and camping in the wild all by himself. Some time before that trip I told him I explained my doubt that after the trip I wanted a final answer to our children question. During his trip I also went through my mind for my alternatives. If my DH didn't want to have children, my options were:
- stay with him and stay childfree (as we agreed on when young)
- stop taking birth control pills and get pregnant without his consent (not fair against DH)
- divorce and go looking around for another possible father (possibly very stressful)
- divorce, find some other way to get pregnant and become a single mother (single parents without nearby living relatives have a pretty tough life)

The answer I got from him was that he really didn't want to have children. My conclusion was that I wanted to stay with him and stay childfree. It was a very silly idea for me to start looking for another possible man while I loved my DH. My wish for children wasn't strong enough to consider the other options as realistic. I also asked a 60 year old lady at work who didn't have children, whether she had missed it. She said she didn't and that gave me some reassurance.

Now many years later, I appreciate greatly how much less hassle I have compared to my full time working colleagues who do have children. I am not jealous in that respect at all. I do however sometimes notice that we miss out of quite a few aspects of society. Society is very based on having children and not having them, means you don't get included in all facets. Don't think I'm bitter about it, it is just something I noticed. There are still other groups in society that I do belong to. It is even getting easier as I am getting older, because I get more older friends whose children already have moved out or are approaching adulthood.

I should also add that I have the impression that the world is not becoming a nicer place to live. There is a lot of war going on and there is more aggression overall in society. We humans are killing the planet by our pollution and by our sheer numbers. I have never felt comfortable about the idea of setting new children on this planet. I am just very pessimistic about this. I hope the planet will last my lifetime, but I'm not sure it will be a good place to live after another 100 years or so.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2016, 07:59:26 AM by Linda_Norway »

Sayonara925

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #57 on: December 08, 2016, 05:07:16 AM »
I should also add that I have the impression that the world is not becoming a nicer place to live. There is a lot of war going on and there is more aggression overall in society. We humans are killing the planet by our pollution and by our sheer numbers. I have never felt comfortable about the idea of setting new children on this planet. I am just very pessimistic about this. I hope the planet will last my lifetime, but I'm not sure it will be a good place to live after another 100 years or so.

Thanks for sharing your story.  As a couple from the U.S., we feel exactly the same.

spokey doke

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #58 on: December 08, 2016, 07:55:28 AM »
So nice to hear from so many who share my basic views and choices.

Keeping my life and those of my DW and dogs going is challenging enough (and is often grand) without kids.  The lives of my friends with kids, all smart, capable and well off, look mostly like hell to me.  Many of them have great kids, and gain a lot of meaning in their lives from having them, but I can't go there.

I too bristle at the cultural norms to have kids, and that tends to reinforce my not wanting to have them.

I agree that the biggest problem our planet faces is overpopulation, and I don't want to contribute to that.

DW changed her mind and wanted kids badly for some time, and that caused some pretty dark times in our relationship, causing both of us real anguish (her not getting kids, me preventing her from getting something she really wanted).  I think we are well past that now, and but it continues to motivate me to demonstrate that life without kids is a good thing.

« Last Edit: December 08, 2016, 08:10:58 AM by spokey doke »

Linea_Norway

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #59 on: December 08, 2016, 08:06:52 AM »
My mother-in-law is a different story. I over heard her telling her friend that she plans to have another granddaughter and already has a name picked out for her! I assume she thinks it is coming from me since my sister in law already has 3 kids and is not planning on anymore. This will be interesting...

How terribly invasive she is, even picking names for grandchildren. Does she really not realize that she has had her chance to get more children?

Both my mother and MIL asked us many years ago if we had planned to get children and got very disappointed with the answers. Luckily for them both my brother and my BIL have both produced grandchildren. So the grandparents stopped bothering us.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2016, 11:13:08 AM by Linda_Norway »

MVal

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #60 on: December 08, 2016, 08:24:24 AM »
Potentially procreative sexual intercourse is not the only way to get "kids". Among other options, there is also adoption. If somebody is inclined to change his or her mind about the merits of raising children, nothing is stopping them from proposing an adoption. Sterilisation does not prove that you will never want to raise kids, and should not provide any relief in that regard to prospective partners.

Sterilisation is also unnecessary because there is a much less invasive method to avoid procreation: just never have sex.

This is my current practice. Celibacy keeps one's life so much simpler and free of strife. I plan on remaining child free for my entire life, unless I meet someone with whom I'm particularly motivated to settle down with and procreate. But I doubt my feelings will change on the matter.

mm1970

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #61 on: December 08, 2016, 03:50:38 PM »
Quote
DW changed her mind and wanted kids badly for some time, and that caused some pretty dark times in our relationship, causing both of us real anguish (her not getting kids, me preventing her from getting something she really wanted).  I think we are well past that now, and but it continues to motivate me to demonstrate that life without kids is a good thing.

This can be a source of stress for sure.  I have an acquaintance (family friend) who wanted children, badly.  She was dating a neighbor with teenagers.  He was separated from his wife but not divorced.  Her family constantly told her to "dump him" as he was 10 years older and was very clear he was not having more children.

Her friends said "it's your decision.  You know he doesn't want them, and you do.  You get to choose whether to stay with him or not."

Well, angst and all, she talked him into having a kid, right around when she was 40 and he was 50.  But I think they made a "deal", in which he said "fine, have a kid, but I'm not doing ANYTHING".  And he's stuck to it.  Here we are, 6-7 years later.  They have two young boys, badly behaved.  And he honestly doesn't lift a finger.  Whenever the kids need something "where is your mother?"  I think the 20-something year old older brothers are way more helpful.  It's very sad. I only get to see it every couple of years, but this summer was particularly awful.  Most of the family thinks they are headed for divorce.  I'm not even sure they are married - but he did eventually divorce his first wife.

I feel very sad for the kids I guess.  She's a great mom, but she is worn so thin right now from essentially being a single parent and working full time.  Her parents were right on this one.

Slee_stack

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #62 on: December 09, 2016, 08:25:38 AM »
Quote
DW changed her mind and wanted kids badly for some time, and that caused some pretty dark times in our relationship, causing both of us real anguish (her not getting kids, me preventing her from getting something she really wanted).  I think we are well past that now, and but it continues to motivate me to demonstrate that life without kids is a good thing.

This can be a source of stress for sure.  I have an acquaintance (family friend) who wanted children, badly.  She was dating a neighbor with teenagers.  He was separated from his wife but not divorced.  Her family constantly told her to "dump him" as he was 10 years older and was very clear he was not having more children.

Her friends said "it's your decision.  You know he doesn't want them, and you do.  You get to choose whether to stay with him or not."

Well, angst and all, she talked him into having a kid, right around when she was 40 and he was 50.  But I think they made a "deal", in which he said "fine, have a kid, but I'm not doing ANYTHING".  And he's stuck to it.  Here we are, 6-7 years later.  They have two young boys, badly behaved.  And he honestly doesn't lift a finger.  Whenever the kids need something "where is your mother?"  I think the 20-something year old older brothers are way more helpful.  It's very sad. I only get to see it every couple of years, but this summer was particularly awful.  Most of the family thinks they are headed for divorce.  I'm not even sure they are married - but he did eventually divorce his first wife.

I feel very sad for the kids I guess.  She's a great mom, but she is worn so thin right now from essentially being a single parent and working full time.  Her parents were right on this one.
Yikes.   I guess she got what she wanted?  or did she?

Goldielocks

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #63 on: December 09, 2016, 09:04:28 AM »
Wow, I think I saw the intro to that story with a friend of mine... Except he was a great guy, so when SHE started to do minimal work with the kids.  He picked up the parent slack but was owner of a big international business...so it was nanny. Babysitter, housekeeper and FT working Dad. Ft working mom who managed to still work long hours, get a mba from out of state, go on trips and have time for other activities. And was a bit self-centric.

To be generous, he neglected to tell her why he did not want kids other than finding them exhausting. Both of his kids have adhd. It's genetic linked. Turns out her daughter did too and was a whirlwind out of control.

Glenstache

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #64 on: December 09, 2016, 09:48:33 AM »
Jumping into the echo chamber.... CFBC and unlikely to change. I have many friends who have kids (intentionally) and are happy about it. But, there is also recognition of the changes in their lives and what they have given up for the kids.

I am also shocked and amazed at the number of couples who do not adequately discuss kids/no-kids before marriage. I've seen that lead to coercion of partners, divorce... and even kids. Seems like the short list of things on the must-discuss before marriage are finances, kids, life-trajectory (or lack thereof) choice.

Following up on the BBC article above, this was in The Atlantic this week and discusses the "kids" choice in light of planned and unplanned, and the social structures around having kids. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/09/not-wanting-kids-is-entirely-normal/262367/

All of the pictures of my SO from when she was a child have her looking like she simply can't wait to grow up and stop being a kid. I don't expect her opinion on the matter to change. :)

GreenSheep

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #65 on: December 09, 2016, 10:17:22 AM »
I am also shocked and amazed at the number of couples who do not adequately discuss kids/no-kids before marriage.

Yes, and during! I have a friend who was married for 14 years, then divorced for numerous reasons. They went through multiple rounds of IVF and other expensive attempts to have children before finally figuring out that neither of them really wanted kids. They were both just doing it because each thought the other desperately wanted children.

Lanthiriel

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #66 on: December 09, 2016, 11:10:55 AM »
All of the pictures of my SO from when she was a child have her looking like she simply can't wait to grow up and stop being a kid. I don't expect her opinion on the matter to change. :)

Glenstache, you have sparked a huge revelation for me with this comment. This was me growing up. I did not play well with others, was always buried in books, and would get insanely frustrated when adults were having conversations I didn't understand. I never connected this with my desire not to have children, but it makes a ton of sense that if I didn't enjoy being a child, why would I want to experience it again?

Wow, mind blown. Thank you!

KMMK

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #67 on: December 09, 2016, 11:17:47 AM »
All of the pictures of my SO from when she was a child have her looking like she simply can't wait to grow up and stop being a kid. I don't expect her opinion on the matter to change. :)

Glenstache, you have sparked a huge revelation for me with this comment. This was me growing up. I did not play well with others, was always buried in books, and would get insanely frustrated when adults were having conversations I didn't understand. I never connected this with my desire not to have children, but it makes a ton of sense that if I didn't enjoy being a child, why would I want to experience it again?

Wow, mind blown. Thank you!

Yeah, my childhood wasn't fun either. Being an adult is so much better. It does seem likely that not having a bunch of happy childhood memories may make one less likely to want children.

pachnik

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #68 on: December 09, 2016, 11:20:53 AM »
My childhood wasn't great either.  One of the reasons why I didn't want to have kids was that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to help them if they struggled like I did as a kid.   This may sound sad and it is but it also very true for me. 

Koogie

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #69 on: December 09, 2016, 11:27:37 AM »
M43, F51.  Together 18 years, married 1.5        Never wanted kids and because of my wifes health it wasn't recommended anyway.
We do wonder what it would have been like once in a while but never any serious or lasting regrets about it.

We're semiRE now as well.  Probably would have had to delay that with rug runts.


Slinky

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #70 on: December 09, 2016, 12:01:57 PM »
I'm (somewhat) thankful other people have children.

I'm far more thankful I don't have any of my own.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty that I don't like being around kids / babies at all.

My sister actually asked if I'd be a guardian of her children in case of a tragic event.  I declined as politely as I could.  It was awkward.  I may have seen my life flash before my eyes.

It is horrifying that I really am my brother's best choice for his three kids. When I think about it, I'm terrified. As they get older, the terror lessons slightly. At least now they're all potty trained, can speak at least somewhat intelligibly and are in school at least part of the day.

mm1970

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #71 on: December 09, 2016, 01:14:58 PM »
All of the pictures of my SO from when she was a child have her looking like she simply can't wait to grow up and stop being a kid. I don't expect her opinion on the matter to change. :)

Glenstache, you have sparked a huge revelation for me with this comment. This was me growing up. I did not play well with others, was always buried in books, and would get insanely frustrated when adults were having conversations I didn't understand. I never connected this with my desire not to have children, but it makes a ton of sense that if I didn't enjoy being a child, why would I want to experience it again?

Wow, mind blown. Thank you!

This was me growing up too.  I have 7 older brothers and sisters, and the oldest is 19 years older than me.  I much wanted to be grown up.  I wanted to play older games (cards, scrabble, volleyball) and have adult conversations.


Linea_Norway

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #72 on: December 10, 2016, 07:56:36 AM »
I'm (somewhat) thankful other people have children.

I'm far more thankful I don't have any of my own.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty that I don't like being around kids / babies at all.

My sister actually asked if I'd be a guardian of her children in case of a tragic event.  I declined as politely as I could.  It was awkward.  I may have seen my life flash before my eyes.

It is horrifying that I really am my brother's best choice for his three kids. When I think about it, I'm terrified. As they get older, the terror lessons slightly. At least now they're all potty trained, can speak at least somewhat intelligibly and are in school at least part of the day.

We haven't been asked by our brothers, but I would probably say yes to take care of their children in a catastrophic event. I can make an acception for my own ideas in that case. My brother married a Christian woman and they are raising their children in a religious way. I would not want to do that, as we have a non religious household. And therefore I don't suspect them to ask me about this. My BIL in another story. We have more similar ideas about raising children.

Cathy

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #73 on: December 10, 2016, 03:19:13 PM »
Sterilisation is also unnecessary because there is a much less invasive method to avoid procreation: just never have sex.

This is my current practice. Celibacy keeps one's life so much simpler and free of strife.

Thank you for sharing.

I think there's a fair amount of merit to the bolded proposition above. I'm proud of my lifelong celibacy, and I intend to remain celibate for the rest of my life as well. There are many advantages, although one downside is that it's much harder to find a partner, because most people expect for sex to be a part of a relationship at some point. Despite that, it's still worth it for me to remain celibate for life. In fact, the difficulty of finding a partner could even be viewed as an advantage if it causes us to focus on self-improvement and loving ourselves, rather than relying on others to supply our happiness.


As for the topic, I can confirm that I do not intend to create biological children or to adopt children or to raise children (which anyone can do, not just the "couple[s]" to whom the original post is directed).
« Last Edit: December 10, 2016, 03:24:33 PM by Cathy »

Sofa King

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #74 on: December 10, 2016, 04:05:25 PM »
Its great NOT having any kids!!!!  :  )

Paul der Krake

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #75 on: December 10, 2016, 04:16:38 PM »
I am also shocked and amazed at the number of couples who do not adequately discuss kids/no-kids before marriage.

Yes, and during! I have a friend who was married for 14 years, then divorced for numerous reasons. They went through multiple rounds of IVF and other expensive attempts to have children before finally figuring out that neither of them really wanted kids. They were both just doing it because each thought the other desperately wanted children.
This would be rom-com material hilarious, if it weren't for all the completely unnecessary waste of time and money.

the cheapining

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Re: For those with no kids only!
« Reply #76 on: December 11, 2016, 08:06:53 AM »
I told my wife when we ment no kids,and i got clipped.i have a 10year old nephew that i take care of on the weekends.hes my hunting,fishing,hiking buddy.i love having him around i get to act like a 10 year old.i like kids but i love saving cash and being with my wife becuse we want to be with eachother not becuse we have kids..my lil 2 year old niece will be my outdoor buddy when my nephew discovers the ladys.