Tweens are the hardest. My kids both tried to be "bad kids" in middle school, but we were tough on them, and I can count on one hand the real issues with had between both of them in high school.
As for holiday presents and gratitude, this is a tough one. You have to walk a fine line. On the one hand, you want to promote frugal values and thoughtful spending; on the other hand -- though this may be a minority opinion around here -- the occasional, well-planned splurge is great. Personally, I do think you low-balled it a bit for the holidays. I'm totally a book girl, but books and stuffed animals as the main present . . . well, those aren't things that're going to thrill teens.
You might avoid this situation next year by giving them some guidance before they're allowed to make holiday requests: Tell them, perhaps, our budget is X. Or, we're probably going to get you one large gift and two small gifts. Or, we're going to plan a simple Christmas -- no batteries, nothing that didn't exist before 1970.
I have a 17 and a 20 year old, and I teach high schoolers. The poster who wrote the humorous post about "they may say they want books, but they really want cell phones" is on track. NO other item means as much to teens (and likely tweens) as a cell phone. It is genuinely the center of their world. It is how they communicate with friends, and it's fast becoming how they communicate with teachers and coaches at school. NOT to have a cell phone is very much to be left out of the social world -- and it's not just about status. Both of my daughters (one high school, one college) receive school notifications through their cell phones. Both use their cell phones for school work -- looking up definitions, scanning ISBNs to create Bibliographies, accessing school-related content. One receives her work schedule through her cell phone. This is trend that's only going to grow. This year when I passed out my class info sheets, I found that out of 91 students, only TWO don't have smart phones (not just cell phones, but smart phones); admittedly, these are high school seniors, not tweens. While I'm frugal, it's genuinely tough to be one of only two kids who don't have "the thing".
When my girls have want-want-want-want-wanted something for an extended period of time -- and I'm not talking about impulse buys or fleeting whims, but things that they really want, even if they're expensive -- I've tried to give them those things as Christmas or birthday presents. OR I've provided a way for them to earn those things. OR I've let them know when/under what circumstances I'd say yes to that item.
Two examples: Our youngest is a high school senior, and her big Christmas present was a laptop -- something she's wanted for a while, and also something she'll need for college next fall. We told her ahead of time that she'd be getting fewer presents this year because one was "rather large". We also told our oldest that her sister would be getting mostly one big thing, while she'd be getting a number of moderately-priced items (because she wanted mostly kitchen items for her rather skimpy apartment). Telling the kids things like this ahead of time helps avoid "morning-of disappointments"; in our case, neither girl was surprised or disappointed with the disparity in this year's gifts, especially because we did the same for the older daughter when she was a high school senior.
Second example: Our oldest really, really wanted a car to take to college. We explained to her that it simply wasn't necessary, and we would not allow her to take the old hand-me-down car that she drives around town to college. We explained the massive cost of parking a car on campus, and we explained that it simply wasn't necessary. We promised that when she was a junior and began student nursing, which would mean that a car really was neceessary, we would make arrangements for her to have a car. She pouted a bit over it, especially because her roommate DID have a car, but after a few months in college she realized that she really didn't need a car on campus, and her roommate only used hers to come home on weekends.
I totally agree with the poster who says dont' threaten to take back presents or give nothing next year. As he or she said, that just reinforces in the Tween's mind that you're a grouch who doesn't understand what it's like to be young today, etc., etc., etc. To expand upon that thought, since your kids have essentially said that Christmas is cool and Hanukkah stinks, you don't want them to adopt a Judaism-is-second-best attitude. Things didn't go quite as well as you wished this year -- do nothing. This one's shot, but you get another chance next year. Trying to talk about it now will only frustrate everyone involved.
Having said that, I can say that my two are genuinely grateful for what they have, and I can tell you some of the things we did to engender this attitude:
- From the time they were small, we've always "bought used". They genuinely do not differentiate between new and gently-used items. They see "buying used" as a smart choice and a way to stretch our resources.
- We've held them responsible for maintaining their items. For example, when our oldest began wearing eye glasses, she broke two pair (both through carelessness) in one year. We couldn't very well refuse her eye glasses, so we replaced them immediately, and we assigned her work around the house "to pay for the glasses". She was not allowed computer time until the glasses were paid for.
- We set our own standards for what we allowed /didn't allow, and our standards were a bit more strict than those of their friends' parents. Both girls, for example, wanted TVs for their bedrooms, and we had decided that wasn't something we were going to allow. One Christmas, mistakenly thinking that it was a money thing, they asked Grandaddy for TVs. Fortunately, he spoke to us about it, and we reached a compromise: He bought a 12" square TV that could be run from the cigarette lighter in our van OR plugged into a house outlet. It spent most of its time on the upper shelf of our bathroom linen closet, but we used it for long drives, and we allowed the kids to have it in their rooms when they were sick /stuck in bed or when they had sleepovers. It was a good compromise, and they used that thing for years. I think my husband took it to work last year to watch March madness in the office.
Larger point: Once your kids are Tweens, never just say NO to something. Explain WHY that's the choice you're making. If you don't explain, they often jump to wrong conclusions: We don't have the money, my parents are just mean, they don't understand me, etc. We OFTEN said, "That's really cool that your friend has _____, but that's not the way we've chosen to spend our money in this family." We often pointed out that we travel MUCH more often than any of their friends, we're very quick to pay for summer camp or other educational experiences, and we were -- when our kids were Tweens -- saving for college. We tried to help them understand that they wouldn't be taking out loans for college, and that took a long time for them to understand -- my oldest really got it when she was a senior, and MOST of her friends began worrying about money, but we said, "Don't worry -- as long as you choose a state school, we can write checks, and you will graduate with a clean financial slate". Today, as a college junior, she REALLY gets it, and she is ninja-level frugal. Recently she texted me to say that canned pumpkin (a moderately expensive item) was less than $1 at a certain grocery store, and she'd LOVE to have 52 cans -- one for every week of the year so she could experiment with pumpkin muffins, cookies, pancakes. I didn't get her 52 cans, but I did wrap up 10 cans under the tree.
- We provided opportunities for our kids to practice budgeting. For example, from a young age we gave them X amount of money to buy their school supplies. We'd always give them enough money to buy a few splurges, but not enough to have the fancy pencils PLUS the Sponge-Bob notebook. They always had to choose. Later we began giving them a back-to-school clothing budget. Having girls, we also instituted a "dance budget"; that is, we said we'd pay X amount for dress-shoes-tickets-everything for a small dance (like Homecoming or Winter Semi-formal) and XX for prom. When my youngest pulled me over to a clearance rack and said, "Mom, I know that no dances are coming up soon, but this B&W dress is fantastic, and it's only $15 -- could I go ahead and get it and count it against a future dance budget?" I knew I'd been successful in teaching her long-term planning skills.
- We didn't "save our kids" when they screwed up with money. For example, if they were short on money and couldn't go out with friends, we never slipped them a $20. Rather, we said, "It's tough to be without some cash", and usually they'd come up with an option -- like inviting everyone over to watch a movie at our house.
- I helped both girls open a checking account (and a debit card) the summer before their senior years, and I am still monitoring my youngest's usage. I don't want my girls to be the ones who go away to college and bounce checks or run through their entire summer job savings in the first two months. At the beginning of senior year, I started to give each one $50 every month (which works out nicely because I am paid once a month), and that must cover EVERYTHING they do outside the house. For my girls, that's enough to allow them a few treats -- but not enough to run big-time with the spendy crowd.
- When their friends get something expensive, and they're a bit jealous -- and that's going to happen even to kids who KNOW they have it good -- I acknowledge, "Hey, that's really nice. I'm sure she's going to enjoy it." But unless they push the conversation farther, I don't harp on the, "But we're not going to do that in our family." In my family growing up, ANY acknowledgement that expensive things are nice to have, ANY request for a luxury item was always met with criticism: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself for wanting ____? That's a foolish waste of money!" We were genuinely belittled for wanting things, and it wasn't a healthy attitude.
- As many other posters have said, our girls have had LOTS of experience with community service -- through scouts, through church, through school clubs, and through family activities. They're very aware that most people in the community have less than we do (even though we do not live in a fancy house or drive fancy cars). Once or twice they've been aware -- because I'm a teacher, and because they've been privy to after-school conversations that aren't necessarily available to all ears -- of a student whose family is in great need. Both of my girls have made comments to me privately, "How can ___'s family be in trouble? I mean, he dresses nicely and has his own car!" Or, you mean ____'s family is in financial trouble? I know he just got a new iphone last week -- why would they do that if they're in trouble?" It's been an opportunity for me to talk about how appearances aren't always reality. They did have trouble with that at first because it's not what you expect.
- My final thought: We set an example of frugal living. We didn't give each other expensive stereo equipment, while expecting the girls to be happy with a Little House on the Prairie stocking. Not that I think you're doing this, but I have observed it occasionally in some families.
